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#GOODTIMES
Have you ever seen the Cape of Good Hope?
It makes for great camouflage when I’m sneaking around your back yard.
SERIOUSLY?
DON’T MESS AROUND WITH
#BADTIMESMAN
Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @UKBlackSheep #BadTimesMan If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!
WORD
TWEET US @UKBLACKSHEEP
BRAVADOUGH An increased sense of self-worth directly correlated to one’s increased self-worth. “When Greg got $70 for that econ text book his bravadough went so far through the roof he bought a table of strange women a round of shots.”
of the
WEEK GUESS THE MASCOT Tweet Us @UKBlackSheep First right answer wins a prize! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: BAYLOR THE BEAR
THE BLACK SHEEP
CELEBRITY BEFORE & AFTER Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
White “football” icon meets black football icon, last quarterbacked for the Vikings.
Last Week’s Answer: John Watership Down
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A DREAM BEFORE MY EXAM
madlib Finals week at UK. This means two weeks full of bad food, little sleep, and a dwindling sex life. But I’ve put the hours in and now I’m ready for a break. I deserve it. So ___1___calls me up and invites me to ___2___and I’ll admit, I’m a little leery of going since I have my ___3___English final in the morning. But I could really use a night out. I mean, I haven’t even ___4___in seventeen days! So we rush off to ___5___. I order twelve shots of ___6___ and just as I’m about to whip out my ___7___and pay, I see ___8___and he buys all my drinks for me. We wind up doing belly shots off of each other and just when we are about to ___9___, everything goes dark.
of sirens rushing down ___10___I’m in a strange bed and I feel someone ___11___ as the bed begins to shake. I look over and it is definitely NOT ___12___ .I grab my shit and dash out of that place.
I’m ___13___ blocks from campus and I need to get to ___14___. I start running and just as I turn the corner, I smash right into___15___. My hand accidentally grabs his/her ___16___. I run off in embarrassment and find myself looking at ___17___I decide to rub its ___18___for good luck and I’m off to class. I walk into the room, #2 pencil in hand, and sit down. When I look up, I see ___19___ standing in front, acting as the proctor. To my astonishment, Suddenly I hear the all-too-familiar sound ___20___
1.) Name of friend 2.) Campus hot spot 3.) Adjective 4.) Verb, past tense 5.) Popular bar near campus 6.) Your favorite cheap liquor 7.) Noun 8.) UK basketball player 9.) Verb 10.) Street on campus 11.) Verb ending in –ing
12.) Basketball player from (8) 13.) Number 14.) Building on campus 15.) Name of professor 16.) Body part 17.) Statue on campus 18.) Body part 19.) Famous UK alum 20.) Either UK Mascot
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THE BLACK SHEEP’S
GUIDE TO WRAPPING A GIFT
Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?
Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape. Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a two-byfour, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brand-spankin’-new
Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it… there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…
Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.
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tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now, hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people.
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ON THE STREETS WOULD YOU RATHER EAT A CUP OF PEE-SNOW, OR LET IT MELT BUT HAVE TO DRINK IT THROUGH A STRAW?
r Shane, Junio
“The pee-snow for sure! You wouldn’t taste it as much as melted.”
r Kayla, Senio
“The snow, because warm would be even more disgusting!”
enior Cour tney, S
“Ewwww… neither! But I guess snow, because it’d be more like a popsicle!”
06
THE
TOP
TEN
PRESENTS FOR UK STUDENTS BY: LUCAS TROXELL
What Does Your UK Dorm Say About Your Study Habits? BY: MARY VENUTO It’s the most wonderful time of year again. That’s right, the time for guilt inducing sound of the Salvation Army bell ringers and confidence crushing course loads is finally here. And since everyone handles finals a little differently, The Black Sheep decided to profile students like a UK campus cop by hypothesizing how we think everyone on campus will do on their final exams based on where they live. Kirwan/Blanding Complex: You guys have the most resources for success. The Study is five steps outside your door, Willy T. is approximately twenty steps out your door, and all of southern campus right at your door to make one massive study group. But you’d rather spend your time in the smoking pits or waiting for a driver at the 90 than open a textbook (which is somewhere on your roommate’s side of the room). But hey, at least you rolled out of bed to get to class five minutes late this week. Finals Week Forecast: CNew Central Campus Honors Dorm: Since you are guys are uppity, bouji honors students, we’re assuming daddy paid for your private school education — which probably explains why you guys have good time management and some semblance of study habits. We imagine you all snuggled up in some blue flannel jammies, falling asleep to the sight of Willy T. outside your window. We wonder if you’ll ever get a visit from the Christmas ghosts of Haggin past. Finals Week Forecast: A Donovan: The sister dorm of our fallen dorm brohouse. An all-girl dorm right across the street from the biology building is enough to make anyone space off into a naughty dream land in the middle of lecture. We’d like to think that you ladies are too busy partaking
in those activities to study. Finals Week Forecast: F, for freaky. North Campus: Being too cool for school, you folks like to sit out on a blanket in the grass, set up some hammocks to read or some other hipster shit that you guys think is cool and revolutionary. In fact, you guys are so too cool for school that you study to prove you are better than this bureaucratic bullshit. You just keep on sippin’ on that Coffea hot chocolate with your thick rimmed glasses, friends, and we’ll be sure not to run you off the bike lane. Finals Week Forecast: B+ Red Mile Road: Do you guys even come to class anymore? It’s as if you live in a whole other world. And those LexTran buses are always packed, late, or packed and late. If you even bother to show up to your final at all, you probably didn’t sleep a wink the night before since you stayed up to safeguard all your belongings from the wandering meth addicts we assume run rampant out there. Finals Week Forecast: D The Lex: Since you guys fight for your right to party harder than Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV, you’re used to struggling through low levels of energy and hydration. In that respect, finals week should be a breeze for you. Except you haven’t stepped foot on campus since October, and for that we applaud you. Finals Week Forecast: D+ Just think, after finals week all you will be responsible for is catching up on sleep and Law & Order on Netflix. But until then, let’s all enjoy this time together as a campus community as we all cram into Willy T like cattle in a slaughter house.
Christmas is just around the corner and many parents are spamming your email with inquiries about what you what you want for Christmas this year. Here is a list of what The Black Sheep deems the top 10 Christmas presents for college students. 10.) More Adderall: For many this wonderful club/study drug propelled them through the semester. When motivation goes down, Adderall goes up (the nose, that is). If you feel like you can’t survive next semester without it, make sure you put it up high on the Christmas wish list. 9.) A “Flash Pass”: Tolly Ho’s line at 3 a.m. is the only thing that stands in your way of complete and total drunken bliss. A flash pass would be the best stocking stuffer for any true Thursday night Two Keys frequenter. 8.) A Big Booty Ho-Ho-Ho: What’s wrong with wanting someone to jingle your bells all the way? Or if you’re still thinking about that flash pass for Tolly Ho then maybe you should just stick with a Mega Ho with bacon and egg on it. 7.) A Stocking Full of Pina Colada Buzz Balls: They’re always down to one or two of these every time you stumble into Shenanigans. These drinks are perfect for getting caught doing the walk of shame in the rain. 6.) Your Psycho Crazy Ex-lover Back Home to Leave You Alone: It’s hard to stay focused on hooking up with the drunkest, sluttiest, hottest person of the opposite sex at a party when your ex back home won’t quit texting you. If reading this text made you cringe because yours just sent their fifth “I miss you” text of the week, then you may consider this a high priority on your holiday wish list. 5.) A Personal Nap Room in Willy T: They have tons of those little study rooms all over the library, and the sixth floor is probably just used for storage. A little cot, a lap, and a Monet knock off would make any space perfect for some personal snooze time. 4.) Jarrod Polson: You’d be hard pressed to find one girl on campus who doesn’t start flowing like Niagara Falls when Jarrod Polson walks by them. If you look hard enough you can even find some guys posting him as their #MCM on Instagram. With that being said, this lucky gentleman is definitely high on every southern belle’s holiday wish list. He’d also make a better wingman than a puppy. 3.) Cold Hard Holiday Cash: At this point in the semester mommy and daddy may be reluctant to send you cash since they saw your picture on UK Makeouts. Lucky for you, you’ve been saving spare change from all your late night Tolly Ho adventures, but that only gives you enough for three days worth of ramen. 2.) Your Professor to Lose That Exam: Remember that exam you missed because your best friend wanted you to go party on State Street with them. Yeah that’s coming back to bite you in the ass, unless maybe your professor lost that grade or entered in a “85” instead of a “58.” Hopefully you’re on the right naughty list this year. 1.) A Reason to Riot: The only thing Big Blue Nation knows about Christmas cheer is by yelling the C-A-T-S cheer loud enough for all to hear. But with Lexington being a frigid bitch, most of us just want another excuse to drink the rest of our Buzz Balls and light a couch on fire besides it just being another idle Tuesday.
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Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!
#collegenight 5pm - 2:30am All Night Long! $1 Fireball Shots, $2 Beers, $3 Wells
$10 College Punch Out DJ DaVinci
Friday 12/13
SPECIAL NIGHT
Follow us on Twitter @princehookah1
Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots
LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 130 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar
Free Coals and Tobacco with a purchase of a hookah!
Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music
Ladies Night! 5pm - 2:30am No Cover for Ladies
$2.50 PBR Tallboys No Cover Ever!
Saturday 12/14
College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball, LIVE MUSIC!! Follow Us on Twitter!
Two Keys $2 Tuesday $2 Well drinks, $2 Domestic pints, and DJ Rain keeping the dance floor packed
Say it ain’t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm
OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!
Free Coals and Tobacco with a purchase of a hookah!
Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 glasses of Sangria All Day!
Open 9pm - 2:30am Best Dance Party in Town!
$2.50 PBR Tallboys No Cover Ever!
Sunday 12/15
Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!
Happy Hour Mon-Sat 2-7PM!
FRIDAY! Ladies Night! 5pm - 2:30am No Cover for Ladies
Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Join us at noon for ALL DAY NFL coverage! We have the NFL Ticket and the best drink specials in town! Food vendors will be set up outside and $4 Fireball ALL DAY FREE WIFI!
Buy 2 Hookah Get 1 Free
Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)
Closed
NFL Ticket $1 Beers, Free Wi-Fi, Make your own Bloody Mary bar and 29 TV’s
Monday 12/16
SUNDAY: Buy 2 Hookah Get 1 Free
Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm
Doors open at 8 for MNF! Join us for $7 domestic pitchers and $2 Bartender choice shots! $4 Jim Beam ALL DAY EVERYDAY FREE WIFI for your Fantasy Football!
Free Popcorn
Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers
Closed
$1 Value Menu Monday All your favorite drinks for just a buck!
Tuesday 12/17
Bluegrass Wednesdays! FREE COVER, LIVE BLUEGRASS @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Kentucky Tavern Shots, $4 Fireball Shots!
Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single!
Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Free Refills on Hookah
Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm
Closed
Two Keys $2 Tuesday $2 Well drinks, $2 Domestic pints, and DJ Rain keeping the dance floor packed
Wednesday 12/18
WEDNESDAY: $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
Thursday 12/12
Prince Hookah Bar
$6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
Bluegrass Wednesdays! FREE COVER, LIVE BLUEGRASS @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, $4 Fireball Shots!
Free Chex Mix
Happy Hour 2-7pm $6 Pitchers, $5 Quesadillas at 7pm
Closed
$1.50 Rolling Rocks 1/2 Price Wells Play Keno!
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Hanukkah Seek and Find
GUESS THE MOVIE SANTA!
EACH BOX FEATURES A DIFFERENT SANTA CLAUS FROM VARIOUS HOLIDAY MOVIES. DO YOU KNOW WHICH MOVIE EACH SANTA COMES FROM?
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
quiz
WHAT LATE-NIGHT EATERY ARE YOU?
2) When you order, the waiter usually: a) Waits hella long because you want to order things not on the menu. b) Has to get extra paper because you want to try everything. c) Already knows your order. 3) It’s time to pay! Do you: a) Make it rain because you “accidentally” swapped credit cards with your mom. b) Check your Plus Account to see if your late night booze run did any damage. c) Roundhouse kick the waiter and hightail it out of there. 4) It’s late and you want a snack. What do you choose? a) Some strawberries dipped in Nutella, with
some extra chocolate and caramel syrup on the side, whipped cream, and some low fat sprinkles... You’re trying to watch your figure. b) Some cold pizza. c) Make Hamburger Helper. You so fancy. 5) The cupcake you saved for yourself is gone. You: a) Frantically call the police. b) Threaten to torch the place since none of your roommates will fess up. c) Realize you ate it earlier. 6) What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re done eating? a)Rub your stomach in a circular motion and wait on your bowels to put in work. b) What do you mean done? c) Attempt to please the food Gods with a food dance and hope they give you more. 7) You sent your significant other on a late night food run and they messed up your order. You: a) Break up with them since they obviously have listening problems. b) Send them right back out and tell them to
not come back until they get it right. c) Take the food because you’re hungry and if you start an argument your chances of getting booty will be slimmed. 8) Your best friend has been kidnapped and the only thing the kidnappers want is your Smashburger meal. You: a) Give them your meal, but your friend has to pay for your Smashburger every day for the rest of their life. b) Track down the kidnappers, put your foot up their ass, and save your friend, Smashburger in hand. c) Begin your search for a new friend.
ANSWER KEY
1) When you’re trying to figure out where to eat you: a) Get a little something from everywhere because you can’t make up your mind. b) Play eeny, meeny, miny, moe with your restaurant coupon book. c) Ask the secret conch shell if you should even go.
LADIES NIGHT EVERY FRIDAY 5PM - 2:30 AM NO COVER FOR LADIES
123 WEST MAIN STREET • LEXINGTON • TRUSTLEX.COM
1:
A)2
B)3
C)1
2:
A)1
B)2
C)3
3:
A)3
B)2
C)1
4:
A)1
B)2
C)3
5:
A)2
B)1
C)3
6:
A)3
B)1
C)2
7:
A)1
B)2
C)3
8:
A)2
B)3
C)1
8-13 Points: Mad Mushroom: You are fast, slimy, and cheap, but you’re also very convenient. You’re the lovable jerk who’s always down for a night out and is usually the one to make all the plans. You’re always the first to suggest where to go, but you’re also always the last to suggest to pay, and because of that people only hit you up when they’re desperate and bored. 9-16 Points: Cane’s: You’re the 2nd choice when the first restaurant someone wanted to go to is closed and there’s nothing wrong with that! You’re super popular and with a personality that can range from spicy to mild, who wouldn’t want to dip their little fingers in you? 17-24 Points: Tolly Ho: Who’s everyone’s favorite little ho? You are! You’re always there and open when somebody needs you, and you give variety to the lives of others. You have a college, hobo chic, style going on and that drives people crazy. Not to mention that if someone happens to be low on gas YOU’LL come to them?! You’re amazing.
BY SHAUNTIONNE MOSLEY
Are You SMARTER
CHASE, UK STUDENT
drinking game
WILLY T. FINALS WEEK BY CASSANDRA SHOUSE
THAN?
1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.
6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”
2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?
7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.
3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated?
8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971.
4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?
9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state.
5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?
10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?
Chase’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Is it Dutch? 2) 27 3) 1839? 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Commonwealth 6) Elmo 7) Mail order brides! 8) 2 Chainz 9) Nevada? 10) Frosty the Snowman
1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman
Chase’s Score: 3 out of 10
With the weary and desperate masses of UK rushing to receive academic renewal in Willy T.’s walls, spaces fill rather quickly. This last-ditch effort to salvage GPAs results in a library chock-full of distraction and annoyances that are not fit for leisurely reading, let alone actually studying. You’re left with two choices: you can either A.) Accept the busted, miserable hand you were dealt with, find a spot at a table to squeeze into and attempt to study amidst the chaos OR B.) Take those crusty ass lemons life has dealt you and turn your surroundings into a drinking game! What you’ll need: To reach deep down in your soul and somehow found the will to shower before visiting the library. And a box of Natty Light. Number of players: The more the merrier! Just don’t get too rowdy and piss off the ghost of Willy T. Level of Intoxication: PhD., physically drunk. Drink Once When: - An underclassmen is unapologetically covered from the tip of their head to the bottom of their feet in UK logos and/or colors. - You put forth the extra effort to walk to Starbucks in the hopes of scoring some caffeinated salvation. - You finally get there and are greeted with a line out of the student center. - You think you’re going to a secret place in Willy T that no one knows about and you’re met with death stares and the finger. - The person in the cubby in front of you “accidently” massages your feet with theirs. - You spot a whole table of sorority girls in riding boots,
leggings, and various pastel colored t-shirts. Take a shot if they’re all wearing baseball caps. - You decide to put all your faith in rubbing Patterson’s toe a new shade of gold for good luck this final’s season. - Some asshole plays the Hunger Games whistle for the 100th time that night. Drink Twice When: - You find the chubb-o who ignored the “no outside food or drink” rules and smuggled in McDonald’s. Take a drink for yourself, and one for your empty stomach. Ovid’s line was just too much for trouble to bother with. - You hear a couple hooking up in one of those private “study” rooms. - You are that couple hooking up in the private study rooms. - You only think about dropping out and selling drugs or stripping less than three times in one Adderall binge. You need to take the edge off, man. - A UK athlete has an entire table to him/herself. - You see John Calipari wearing only a dickie and rubbing his belly. Seriously, take it easy on the study drugs, man. Finish Your Drink When: -Someone mentions the footstabber. -The footstabber stabs your big toe. - One of the library workers looks suicidal. - You ultimately leave the library because you’re “not feeling it.”
FINALS BINGO!
LET US GUESS... YOU’RE SITTING IN THE LIBRARY AND CAN’T FOCUS, RIGHT? WELL DON’T SCROLL THROUGH FACEBOOK FOR THE 10th TIME, PLAY OUR LIBRARY BINGO! STAY WHERE YOU ARE, OR TAKE A LOOP AROUND YOUR FLOOR, AND SEE HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS YOU CAN FIND.
WITH TECHNOLOGY!
Old Christmas Movies, Revisited
A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.
We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake and, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?
It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make…A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours. And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets. Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated Gadgets cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.
KWANZAA KWIZ TRUE OR FALSE KWESTION 1: True or False: Kwanzaa is celebrated from December 26th to January 1st.
KWESTION 4: True or False: Kwanzaa adopts much of its structure from Hanukkah.
KWESTION 2: True or False: The word “Kwanzaa” is derived from matunda ya kwanza, a Sotho phrase meaning, “first fruits of the harvest.”
KWESTION 5: True or False: Approximately 3.1% of Americans celebrate Kwanzaa each year.
KWESTION 3: True or False: The “pan-African colors” widely used during Kwanzaa are green, black and red.
ANSWERS:
KWESTION 6: True or False: Kwanzaa’s karamu feast is mentioned in Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long.”
1) TRUE 2) FALSE, THE LANGUAGE IS SWAHILI 3) TRUE 4) F, IT IS ADOPTED FROM UMKHOSI IN ZULULAND 5) F, 1.6% DO 6) TRUE 7) C 8) B 9) A 10) C
MULTIPLE CHOICE KWESTION 7: Which one of these items is not considered a Kwanzaa symbol: a) A Mkeka, a decorative mat b) Muhindi, corn c) Watubi, a small statue of a person d) Zawadi, gifts KWESTION 8: The Kinara, the Kwanzaa candle holder, traditionally hosts how many candles? a) 5 b) 7 c) 9 d) 6
KWESTION 9: During Kwanzaa the pouring of libations to honor ancestors is performed by… a) An elder b) The oldest male child c) The mother d) This does not happen KWESTION 10: Named The Black Candle, a 2009 documentary on Kwanzaa is narrated by who? a) Cornel West b) Barack Obama c) Maya Angelou d) Oprah Winfrey