Kentucky 1/22/15 Issue by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep KROGHETTO FABULOUS

Fre e! L put ike th on o e po ver und bre s yo ak. u ..

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Volume 6

Issue 2

Erica Ryder wrote this

The destruction of our beloved Kroghetto last March brought about a widespread panic among neighboring college students and dorm residents. An oasis amidst a desert of bad campus food with a marvelously secluded self-checkout, Kroghetto was perfect for preserving your anonymity when purchasing your collegiate basics: a month’s supply of ramen, pregnancy tests (for uh… your friend) or most ashamedly, a 6-pack of raspberry Smirnoff Ice. So, naturally, as our cherished Kroghetto was pried from our desperately clutching Wildcat claws, the weight of a lost convenience forced us to face the reality of our pseudo-independence. Slowly but surely, we grew accustomed to trading homework answers, meal swipes, and the occasional sexual favor in exchange for rides to the very distant and very sub-par Nicholasville Road Kroger. And in an act demonstrative of the perseverance of the collegiate spirit, and undying need for aforementioned college necessities, we developed a compliant, almost positive attitude in the face of this adversity, growing hopeful of the new Kroghetto to come. And finally, on the 22nd of January, after a duration of time that seemed to take almost as long as your girlfriend, the Kroghetto finally came. In a wonderful, bizarre, and fittingly dramatic ceremony, Coach Cal cut the ribbon. Although finally being able to shop in this nostalgic location was comparable to the satisfying end of a month-long dry spell, one couldn’t help but to feel that something was off. Complete with a Walk-In Beer Castle, Sushi Bar, a Fresh Seafood Department (be sure to swing by before hosting your next cocktail party), a Soup and Salad Bar, a goddam Specialty Cheese Shop, Kitchen Place, a Nature’s Market health food section, Starbucks (as if you didn't pass 6 of those on your way over there), as well as café by the deli that reeks of redundancy and is outfitted with Wi-Fi and big screen TVs. It seems Kroghetto has become Kroghetto Fabulous. And it's uncertain if we’re comfortable with that. Kroghetto is fabulously designed to fit our every need. But college students have a more notable, yet enigmatic need; a need for a place where we can actually be a college kid ‑ A

need for peace-of-mind. There was something so reassuring about the atmosphere of old Kroghetto that made getting your card declined feel like just another fun college experience. But how is that going to feel when it happens next time, as it does without fail just before every paycheck. You’ll look around and see people buying sushi and overpriced art off of literally every wall as the machine makes that attentionasserting beeping noise and you get pooh-poohed at by the cashier just like that time you asked your waiter for a bottle of A1 to go with your Ruth’s Chris steak like a classless fool. The new Kroghetto Fabulous is going to take some getting used to. Maybe after a second wind of that collegiate-spirit

mentioned earlier we might not feel the need to dress like we're going on a hot date. And maybe after working our way down to sweatpants and Nikes we may even accept Kroghetto Fabulous into our timid hearts. More positively, It's enormous size, 86,000 square feet to be exact, does serve to offer us a much wider selection of food, or even give us the option to buy a two-month’s supply of ramen as opposed to the one… and The Black Sheep will be damned if we don’t feel like Xenon, Girl of the 21st Century while ascending to the rooftop parking in that elevator with a fancy shopping cart full of Nature’s Market health food… Alright we’ll admit it, Kroghetto Fabulous is pretty badass.

PAGE 5

PAGES 12-13

THE MOST INTERESTING MAN AT THE UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY

TOP 10: WAYS TO AVOID ANOTHER BIG BLUE WINTER

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE OSCARS

HE'S SO CHARMING THAT TINDER OUTLAWED SWIPING LEFT ON HIM.

GOOD THING BASKETBALL CAN GET US THROUGH ANYTHING!

WITH THIS GUIDE, YOU’LL SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO SPENT 20 HOURS WATCHING MOVIES.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

ADVERTISING MANAGER Elizabeth Breed

WRITERS Kelsey Mattingly, David Simms Erica Ryder Evan Lawrence

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

OWNER Atish Doshi

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

INCOMPEETENT The inability to pee in dorm bathrooms because, you know, performance anxiety, man.

ARIA ARIAL

I’m sorry I didn’t go when we were in the dorm, I was incompeetent! Hurry, help me find a bush.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@UKBLACKSHEEP

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

STOP SNOWING!

Agonizing Weather Brings Agonizing Small Talk Evan Lawrence wrote this

Right in line with that Farmer's Almanac everyone's been citing for months, sub-freezing temperatures have become a menace to the Central Kentucky region for several weeks now. With this unfortunate gift from Mother Nature, the public gets a head start on the worst social season of them all: people endlessly complaining about the weather. People of all ages, races, and backgrounds are vulnerable to this season. However, it should be noted that the worst affected by this season are college students, as their often extreme narrowminded stupidity becomes exposed more than Kate Upton’s side boob. “I can’t stand this shit, man,” said Nicholas DeMamp, the president of the Kappa Zeta Nu fraternity, “we’re a proud member of the SEC and we’re supposed to represent ourselves as such through the entire school year. How are we supposed to frat when there’s snow on the ground?” DeMamp is far from the only Wildcat disgruntled about the onset of wintry conditions. Various students have complained how the climate has affected their ability to follow through with their everyday commute to school. “Man, I woke up to that blizzard on Wednesday morning, and knew there was no way I could make it to class,” said Lauren Bloom, a resident at The Lex, on the .98” accumulation that fell on the morning of Jan 21. “I am outraged that Capilouto did not

cancel classes. Those sidewalks were a death trap!” It seems that the worst is yet to come, though. With no end to consistent sub-32 degrees high temperatures until March, the entire state better brace themselves for months of aimless small talk about the weather with people they don’t care about. Among the many template-like phrases people across Lexington should prepare themselves to deal with include “I heard it’s supposed to get down to single-digit degrees tonight,” “I heard they’re gonna close school tomorrow,” and the mother’s special, “Where are your hat and gloves!?” Students should try to avoid conversations with professors who are the most likely to say these kinds of things—particularly the tenured ones. For the risk-takers among you, try taking a seat in one of, 20th-year history professor, Gavin Rose’s classes to get taste. In the span of a 50-minute class on Monday, Dr. Rose was cited by multiple student sources as saying “It’s a bit nippy out there, eh?” and “Bundle up, folks!” Though Rose isn’t the only one guilty of corny, predictable turns of phrase, he maintains a reputation as one of the worst offenders.

Students should be aware that they have more to avoid than just stale, painfully boring conversation. Another killer this year is the monotony of seeing the same exact person over and over again. We write, of course, about white girls in Ugg boots. We caught up with one of the many white girls, Emily Smith. “I woke up the other day and was just like, ‘ohmuhgod, it’s so freakin’ cold outside,’ ” the sophomore member of a sorority told us, “but then I was like, ‘wait, I have a reason to rock my Uggs-andskinny jeans outfit now!’ ” Smith added that immediately after her epiphany, she took a mirror selfie of her new in-season outfit and posted it on Instagram with the hashtag #blessed. With potentially dangerous cold weather conditions in our future, all Kentucky students should be educated on the importance of avoiding boring, monotonous conversations and well as other dangers like the abominable, white girls. Stay warm out there, Sheepers, it’s a cold one.

IS IT YOU?

THE TOP TEN Ways To Avoid Another

Big Blue Winter

Temperatures are dropping like it’s hot and that means it’s time to start finding creative ways to stay warm on campus. But don’t worry that you can’t afford a new fur coat or Bean boots to protect you from the below-freezing weather, The Black Sheep has plenty of innovative ways to keep you toasty (assuming you’re not opposed to getting down and dirty). 10.) Steal from communal washers: Put your sneaking slippers on and get down to the laundry room ASAP. You’re guaranteed to find some warm clothes fresh out of the dryer, especially if you live with sorority girls. Did someone say fur vest?

The Most Interesting

Man at UK David Simms wrote this

He’s the man everyone, including the girls, wants to be. He’s been offered millions of dollars to teach a class so others can learn how to be like him. Eventually, he’ll be President of the United States, but for now he’s a student. But he isn’t just another mediocre student walking around campus like the rest of us. He’s the Most Interesting Man at the University of Kentucky. What makes him so interesting, you might ask? His life story may make your mom wish he were her son. He was asked, "Who do you know here?" by a frat party doorman. The doorman is now expelled from Kentucky. He bought the University of Louisville for a penny and half a shoestring. He turned it into an insane asylum and declared all the students mentally ill. He's so charming Tinder outlawed swiping him left. He recruited Coach Cal to be the head basketball coach at the age of 14. He once won the Pulitzer Prize for his half-page paper on "The Art of Bullshit." He refused the award, saying "I have too many of those." The paper was supposed to be 10 pages. He gave all the Lexington police officers a parking ticket. He made the basketball team, but quit because he wasn't allowed to shoot with his feet. He won a campus rap battle...speaking French. He once had to start chapter 1 on the first day of syllabus week…he had that class removed from the UK course list. He paid his tuition, in full, on move-in day and told them to "keep the change." He once shook a student's hand. That student was offered a full-time job with Google on the spot.

His bathroom is recognized as a Kentucky State Park. UConn, Florida, and Tennessee all tried to get him to attend their school; he only laughed. When it rains, class is canceled because he doesn’t want to get his clothes wet. He once won a game of beer pong with both his hands tied behind his back. The massive lines at Ovid's are there to catch a glimpse of what he eats. He has enough credit to graduate after only one semester but decided to stay for his remaining three and a half years. He sits at the top of Rupp Arena because “the bottom isn’t good enough.” He broke up with his girlfriend because her lipstick was Cardinal Red. His dorm room was featured on MTV Cribs. His pajamas are accepted as formal attire. The winter cold hit UK because he forgot to turn his ceiling fan off. If you were lucky enough to talk with him, you’d add it to your résumé.

Walking past a player on the basketball team can make your entire day, but they’re not even worthy of this man’s presence. There’s no way we’ll ever be as interesting as him. You could just keep being yourself and maybe you’ll be able to develop past the average student we are. Just remember, as he famously said: “I don’t always go to college but when I do, I prefer Kentucky…stay #1, my friends.”

9.) Hack into UK Alerts to cancel classes: 8 a.m.’s suck, we all know that, and what makes them unbearable is the dreadful freezing temps. Do everyone on campus a favor and hack into UK Alerts to cancel classes for the day! Or week…or month…or rest of winter. 8.) Turn heated blankets into dresses: You can’t let the tundra outside keep you away from all of the parties going on in the sweaty, steamy warmth of frat basements! Turn your heated blanket into a “hot” party dress and never worry about frostbite on those long walks again. 7.) Use your textbooks as firewood: What better use for hundreds of dollars worth of reading material than firewood!? You know for sure you’ll never crack one open anyway, so why not put those dollars to good, warm use. 6.) Pay a visit to all lost and found bins: It’s just like stealing from communal washers, except no one technically has ownership of the items! This means less guilt and many more options. Go from bin to bin and put on ALL of the clothes at once to stay toasty. 5.) Steal the Wildcat’s mascot uniform: You know that thing is FULL of hot air, especially when you layer properly underneath. Just trade the Wildcat your eRUPPtion Zone tickets for his costume and run all over campus boasting your warmth and secret identity. 4.) Build up your blubber at Blazer and Commons: Stop worrying about being thin and get busy gaining the fat! Skin and bones aren’t going to keep you warm on your walks to class, but with the help of all-you-can-eat Blazer and Commons trips, you’re sure to be nice and plump all winter long. 3.) Get the squirrel population under control by “borrowing their fur”: It’s no secret that there are a billion squirrels roaming campus. Do everyone a favor and go on a little hunting trip of the squirrel variety, skin those suckers, and rock their warm fur all day, every day. Nobody call PETA! 2.) Steal a football helmet and insert a portable heater: Nobody likes windburn, and what better way to protect your moneymaker than by shielding it with the best UK armor around? Insert a custom portable heater, and all of your problems will melt away. 1.) Bask in the warm glow of an undefeated basketball season: You won’t find anything as bright and full of warmth as UK’s campus when our basketball team is undefeated and number 1. Block out all of the haters with the sunshine-y glow of the best team in the nation.

Kelsey Mattingly wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT JANUARY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? HAYLEY

“It makes me appreciate the summer a little more.”

SARAH

“New Year, new me.”

MEGAN

“Seeing all my friends at school, and UK basketball games!”

DEBATES!

PROS & CONS:

Try explaining to them why you’re digging through the pantry like a savage at 3 a.m.

HOME VS. DORM

Dorm Pros: You’re in the drunchies hub of Lexington. With a single phone call, you can have anything you can think of delivered to the lobby of your dorm. Mama may be pissed with those final grades you brought home, but you know who still loves you? Papa John.

Black Sheep Staff wrote this

Cons: It’s dangerous to fall into a pattern of ordering the late-night junk food because it can be debilitating to your health and bank account. Not only that, you actually have to walk down a few flights of stairs to get the greasy goodness. Winner: DORM Lexington has more late night food places than any of our engineers can count, so you know it’s a lot. Plus, no one will wake you up in the morning and passiveaggressively comment on the pizza box, oregano, and red pepper foursome you had. HOOKING UP WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR Home Pros: You’ll have a way bigger bed and more room to maneuver. You also have the luxury of being able to be a good host and offering your hometown slam piece something other than water or ramen. Cons: Your parents are infinitely more likely to make some icy conversation when they’re stuck in a car with him on the way to Aunt Becky’s tomorrow. Returning home for winter break is always a mixed bag. While you’re always stoked to see your family at the expense of getting the hell away from finals week, there’s always that creeping itch to hightail it back to Lexington after two weeks of sharing your parents’ shitty, old taste in beer (Amstel Light? What am I, 50?). To set the record straight, we paired up the two living arrangements to see which is truly better: home or dorm. THE ABILITY TO GET DRUNCHIES Home Pros: You have a selection of fresh, gourmet food in your walk-in pantry and fridge. That five-cheese lasagna your mom made for dinner last night? All yours. That crisp, unopened bag of Doritos your parents picked up? Go crazy. You’re not paying for it. Cons: One wrong move or one chip bag that is just a bit too loud and your whole family wakes up and knows what’s up.

WE WANT YOU!

Dorm Pros: Nobody questions you unless you have roommates who need to know everything about your life. The only person you need to get past is security and that big bossman knows what’s going on anyway. Hell, he’s probably rooting for you. Cons: Anything that goes down in the bedroom will be spread like wildfire around your floor. What’s supposed to be a one night stand turns into your floormates envisioning you getting married. And, you know, herpes jokes.

Winner: DORM You don’t have an authority figure watching your every move, so you can shack up with some privacy. You also don’t have to worry about mentally scarring that curious little brother rummaging around at 2 a.m. MAKING A RUN FOR IT FROM THE SHOWER WITHOUT YOUR TOWEL Home Pros: Your parents’ hallway carpet is definitely better than your vomit-encrusted dorm floor. You’re going to be unseen unless your dad’s creepier than that freak down the hall. Cons: You could have an awkward encounter with Pops, leading to some weird dinner conversation. It was cute when you were three, but this is just… no. Dorm Pros: You get to practice streaking for when you actually do it across campus. It’s a trial run, so you’ve gotta’ make sure you perfect it in front of the people you live with first. Cons: You’re completely exposed at all times because every area in a dorm is shared space. Everybody in your hall will get a nice glance at your ass as you try to book it butt-naked to your room. Now you have marriage, herpes, and body image jokes going around. That’s a tall order for freshman year. Winner: HOME You have a way smaller chance of being seen by somebody, and you can gracefully make your way to your room without being too worried of exposing yourself to everyone around you. Plus, you’re all family in a weird, Texas Chainsaw Massacre sort of way. Dorm life, for all its tiny inconveniences, still beats the hell out of trying to do that whole “college” thing in a suburban split level. Stay in Lexington for this one, kids.

Student Housing Just Steps from Campus! Now Leasing 4-Bed Townhomes for 2015-16 School Year! $1700 per month ($425 per bedroom) Security Deposit Special Through March 1 - Only $1200!

HURRY, UNITS WON’T LAST! (859) 333-8129 OR (859) 338-0987

N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N

L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m

THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday Friday

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Friday: HAPPY HOUR 5-9 $2 Wells! Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER

Never Ending Happy Hour

Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells

NEVER ENDING HAPPY HOUR: $2 Wells from open until close! Live music or a DJ every Thursday! Doors open at 7, music starts at 9. FREE COVER Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter

$4 Bombs

HAPPY HOUR 5-9, $2 Wells, $9 Barrel Bowls ALL NIGHT! Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER

Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots

Saturday

$4 Jack Honey Kitchen Open Until 2AM

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls

Doors open at noon, or 2 hours before ALL UK games, $12 Domestic buckets during the game, $9 Barrel Bowls all day long LIVE MUSIC starts at 9 with our DJ going on between sets and after 1am! FREE Cover for the ladies

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers

$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys

$5 Build your own Bloody Mary bar, and several Mimosa specials going on EVERY Saturday & Sunday! FREE WIFI and $7 Domestic pitchers ALL DAY

Monday

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers

Open for ALL UK Games: $3 John Wall & gatorade shots, $12 Domestic buckets! Otherwise closed, except for private events. For venue booking please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry. DJ Rain

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

Come join us starting at 7 for $2 KT shots and $4 LIT's!! Acoustic music starts at 9, FREE COVER

Now Hiring Writers Your witty Tweets are just the beginning. Apply @ theblacksheeponline.com

THE BAR GRID SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

SUNDAY: $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

$10 Punchout - DJ Rain

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm! Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

Thursday

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Fireball Friday! $4 Shots Live Entertainment

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

$12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs DJ Reknown, No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

Happy Hour ALL DAY!

$1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday! Well Drinks for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing! We supply the fish, you race them in our custom track $2 Well Drinks and Pints - DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

READ MORE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Too Much Time at Home has Students Asking “What’s My Age Again?”

Yik Yak Comedian Ready to Go Pro CHAMPAIGN – After a semester totaling up to nearly 200,000 Yakarma, presumed UK student Anonymous has announced his or her plans to “go legit” with his or her Yaking career in the form of stand up comedy. According to the self-proclaimed comic, it was right after another Yik Yak user commented, “lol so true,” on his or her last post that spurred the decision to take his or her comedy to the professional realm.

Staff Wrote This

“Age amnesia” is the term doctors are using to explain a recent trend in students that spent Christmas break with their parents. This vicious condition is causing many UK students to revert back to their high school selves. Symptoms first began to take hold during the early parts of syllabus week. A noticeable uptick in Hollister and Abercrombie sales, as well large amounts of “he-said she-said” gossip from students and were originally thought to be an anomaly, but can no longer be overlooked. “It’s really ruining our relationship,” junior Jessica Mincey said about her boyfriend John. “He keeps ditching me to hang out at Hot Topic in Fayette Mall. The other day I tried to get him to go to Chipotle with me and he screamed ‘You can’t tell me what to do!’ and stormed out of the house.” She looked down, ashamed. “He even fights to sit at the ‘cool table’ in the Student Center cafeteria.”

“As soon as my first SpongeBob quote post hit 300 upvotes, I knew I was going to be a hit,” commented Anonymous. “I figured, you know, if I can get over 300 people to passively tap an arrow of approval, why not try to get that same reaction on stage?”

John was last seen with a pack of skinny jean, Vans-wearing kids listening to Blink-182, discussing how his parents “just don’t understand him.” UK Biology Professor Minka Larinov says that UK scientists are almost ready to begin testing their new experimental vaccine to combat this angsty condition, with those in the science community referring to it as “burnastys.” “Once we inject them with a shot of this, they will forget all about their high school drama bullshit and go back to their regular, Tumblr-ridden lives.”

From relatable posts about being ironically alone to ones about “the THOTs at Tin Roof rn,” Anonymous’ Yik Yak posts have been celebrated amongst the Lexington community for at least the five seconds it takes for an individual to process and vote on one. The comedian claims that he or she’s sense of quick-fire wit is the catalyst of his or her success. “It really just comes naturally to me when I’m either mindlessly blacked out on a Thursday night or on a Sunday afternoon Netflix binge,” commented Anonymous as he or she continuously refreshed Yik Yak after writing a post about everyone being back on campus. “Did you see my post about me being hungover on a Wednesday and having to go to lecture regardless? Classic comedy.” Anonymous is currently slated to appear at various open mics on campus where he or she will do a five minute set met with lukewarm reception and a sea of exasperated, “A-ha”s. Staff Wrote This

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Agriculture Economics Favorite Drink: Bourbon and Sprite Favorite Shot: Vegas Bomb Disgusting Drink: Gin Bomb Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: The kitchen walk-in fridge. What’s a drink you know exists, but have no idea how to make?: A Tom Collins. Is there anything a freshman should know by now that he probably doesn’t know by now?: It’s ok to not wear a lanyard.

KYLE AT TIN ROOF

What’s the best late-night food item in Lexington?: Jimmy John’s. Which US state is worst?: Ohio, because they are the armpit of America.

Is there anything a flying ninja kick can’t solve?: Ugly. What’s a chip flavor that should be invented, but hasn’t been invented?: Breakfast burrito. How do you live with yourself after everything you’ve done to her?: Just keep drinking. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because the Tin Roof bartenders are always in it, and we are the best!

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

SPIKED OR SIMPLE?

S’MORE OF THAT HOUSE FIRE

Ah, so you think you have a discerning palate, huh? We’ll see about that. Can you taste the difference between Diet Mountain Dew, and Diet Mountain Dew with vodka? Who knows!

Listen, it’s way too cold outside to start a bonfire. Plus, you live in an urban area, and the fuzz isn’t too keen about out-of-control fires in the area. But look at you, yearning for some sweet, sweet s’mores. What’s a boy to do? Well, find out.

What You’ll Need: A big ol’ jug of vodka, some Solo cups and a variety of mixers. Number of Players: 3+ Level of Intoxication: Hey, shut up, this one’s kinda boozy.

What You’ll Need: Hershey’s chocolate bars, graham crackers, marshmallows, a stick. Fatty Factor: S’more of the holiday belly fat for you, fatso.

How to Play: -Begin by having one volunteer set up the table, while the participants hang out in another room, or something. -Look at however many mixers you have. Now, set up twice the number of Solo cups on the table. Number pairs of cups on the bottom, so there’s two cups with each number. -Fill half of the Solo cups with a shot of vodka. Keep half of them empty. -Fill each cup with approximately 8oz of mixers, so that there are sets of two cups, each set representing a mixer: one with alcohol and one without. -Bring the players into the room. -Have each player take a drink of each set and guess which drink has alcohol and which one doesn’t. -Players who correctly identify the boozy drink may hand out a drink to another player. Incorrectly guessing a drink costs the player a drink. The Game Ends When: “Everything tastes the same, man. Everything tastes the same!”

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Let’s Get Baked: -Listen, you know how to make s’mores, we’re not going to tell you to do your job. -Wait, what do you mean this needs to be like, 250 words? Ok, here we go. -Prep by placing all of your materials near your oven, but keep them away from your stovetop so they don’t start on fire. -Break a graham cracker in half and place six Hershey’s chocolate bar pieces on one of ‘em. -Slap a marshmallow on whatever kind of stick you have laying around. -Crank one of the burners on your stove top to high. -Once it’s nice and red-hot, hold the marshmallow over the coil, rotating it regularly until all sides are brown. -Place the browned mallow on the chocolate, place the half of the graham cracker on top, smoosh and enjoy. -Oh yeah, turn that burner off. As you indulge in memories of that time the camp councilor let you sit on his lap in a totally non-sexual way, indulge in this delightful treat, as well. Fire and chocolate isn’t just summer time fun anymore.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Black

e d i u G Sheep

to the (for Those Who Haven’t Seen These Movies) Last Thursday the Best Picture nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were announced. But what will you—the on-the-go college student who doesn’t have time to watch eight movies—do when you’re force to discuss the merits of one of the films? Oh, don’t worry, The Black Sheep has your back. By Brendan

THREE MOVIES THAT

SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED

(and why you should watch them)

American Sniper

Birdman

Basic Premise: America’s best long-range killing machine isn’t a machine at all, he’s a guy with feelings and stuff, even when he’s a-killin’. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Dude, there’s no way a guy as good lookin’ as Bradley Cooper would ever be a sniper. I’m not gay or nothin’, but a man with that jaw line would be cleaning up on magazine covers, not waiting two weeks to shower in a desert.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I’m quite pleased with Eastwood’s clear, realistic portrayal of killing in American Sniper. Too often, it’s easily to glorify or vilify the act, eliminating the feelings of discomfort we need to face in a world with many shades of gray.”

Basic Premise: Michael Keaton plays an ex-superhero, in-a-slump actor (hey, like Michael Keaton!) holding tight to his final strand of fame as he works to debut a Broadway play. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I kind of assumed Cash Money Records was in financial trouble, but Birdman looks terrible in this documentary.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Don’t you think the continuous-take gimmick pairs nicely with Michael Keaton’s self-parody in this film? Together, they form a Mőbius strip that strongly argues that life does imitate art.”

Boyhood

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Basic Premise: The audience follows a boy (a real boy!) as he grows from a child to a young adult, unlike that stupid Peter Pan. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Editing 12 years of footage must be a real bitch. I had a hard time cutting 50 words out of my 5-page paper, so I just made the margins a little smaller.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “What a truly brave directorial choice this was. Given everything we know about what can go wrong on a movie set, spanning that agony over 12 years really does merit some hardware, don’t you think?”

Basic Premise: The Graduate meets Ocean’s Eleven, but substitute dark humor of post-college ennui with the twee stylings of Wes Anderson. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Voldermort looks totally ridiculous with that fake nose/moustache combo. This movie sucks.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I can’t believe Anderson has found a way to use humor to skewer dictatorships big and small, whether it’s an overbearing government, or an overbearing hotel administrator. In the end, both parties find new and interesting ways to alienate those forced to live under them.”

The Imitation Game

Selma

Basic Premise: A British WWII hero helps defeat the Nazis, only to face prosecution for homosexuality by the very government he saved. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “This movie is stupid, who cares about some British guy who cracked a code? Those Limey bastards would be speaking German right now if it wasn’t for us.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Perhaps it was Alan Turning’s disguising of his sexuality that allowed him to think of how similar misdirection applied to the Nazi coding system.”

Basic Premise: Martin Luther King Jr. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I wish that Martin Luther King Jr. was white, that way we’d already have a biographical movie made about him. Wait, that didn’t sound racist in my head.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “The film’s portrayal of Lyndon B. Johnson is immaterial. This movie isn’t about one man or two men, but rather an idea—a movement—that changed America.”

The Theory of Everything

Whiplash

Basic Premise: Handsome Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) faces a life-threatening motor neuron disease diagnosis. Hilarity Oscar Bait ensues. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “God, I hope this movie has some trippy shit about space, because if I have to see a hot girl nuzzle up to a cripple for two hours, I’m gonna puke.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I think The Theory of Everything shows that, even though paralysis can affect everything we can see, it’s the ethereal, the mind, emotion, love, that truly win the day in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.”

Basic Premise: “Only steers and queers play jazz drums, Private Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum, and you don’t look like much of a steer to me!” What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Could there be any more black shirts in this movie? It’s like those freakin’ band kids never grow up.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I found this film an enlightening exploration into the discipline required for the creation of art. Too often, I think, non-artists look at the creative process as a medium for extemporaneous expression, which it obviously isn’t. Using jazz, a free form medium, is just icing on the cake.”

Jake Gyllenhaal plays a weirdo who builds cred in the news community by recording—and eventually manipulating—accidents and crime scenes. Atmospherically intense and creepy, it’s like you’re watching one of the car crashes he films: You know something horrible is about to happen, but you can’t take your eyes off of it.

This isn’t a “throw a drink in your face” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie, it’s more of, “ruin your entire life and use your own faults as a man against you” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie. It’s awesome. And there’s a bloody sex scene, too, which will make you question your taste in erotica.

2014 will go down as the Year of Chris Pratt. Was there a more fun movie in 2014? (Hint: No) Action, hilarity, well-imagined aliens, worlds and villains—plus an anthropomorphized tree and raccoon. Just because this wasn’t a snore-fest 3-hour bio doesn’t mean it’s not one of the best movies of the year.

THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

LET’S TEAR UP THIS BANGER! Even though it’s only a ___1___ night, I’m always down to get a little turnt. Pounding some ___2___s, slamming some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ sister’s friend’s neighbor who’s in ___5___, and she’s turning 21. Who doesn’t love a good shitshow birthday, amirite? Since getting my fake ID for Christmas I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ because bitches love that shit. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___because everyone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___, everyone loves fire! Should I pick up some helium balloons, inhale some, and do my infamous ___11___ impression? Yeah, bruh, probably. Every girl loves ___12___ because it reminds them of their childhood, and then they start talking about ___13___ and then they got all excited, and that’s good for the dudes, know what I’m saying? I also heard that ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___, some ___18___, and ___19___, the bitches love her. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to really get them asses bouncin’. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

WORD BANK 1) Weekday 2) Shitty beer 3) Freshman dorm 4) Your roommate 5) “Fun” sorority 6) Flavor 7) Unusual liqueur 8) Grocery store 9) High-end designer 10) Type of firework 11) Cartoon character 12) Cartoon from #11

13) Popstar from your childhood 14) Hottie on campus 15) Hot celebrity female 16) Old but hot celebrity female 17) Overplayed EDM artist 18) Classic rock band 19) Classic popstar 20) Bangin’ rap song 21) Cartoon from #11 22) Drunk food

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