The Black Sheep
fr e co e...l nd ike om yo s. A ur nd roo m to ot mat hb ru e’s sh .
Vol. 2, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/5/13 - 9/11/13
Wildcat Tailgating 101 BY: Quinn Schwartz With the autumn season comes a rite of passage for UK students that has held firm throughout the years. The transition into September signals a call to arms for the entirety of Big Blue Nation to come together in celebration of Kentucky pride and unadorned debauchery. We are of course talking about Wildcat tailgating. While preparing for this momentous occasion, there are several things to consider before stepping onto the hallowed grounds of the modern day Coliseum that is Commonwealth Stadium. For your convenience we have laid out a simple list of “do’s” and “don’ts” to help you make the best of your tailgating experience.
things to DO: Gear up: This means at least 75% of your body needs to be covered in blue. Blue hats, scarves, t-shirts, banana hammocks, socks and shoes. Go all out, and don’t be afraid to get creative. Homemade blue beer helmets and cooler scooters are strongly encouraged. Keep an eye out for the people wearing off colors such as orange or green — this kind of behavior is unacceptable. That person should be met with a strong middle finger and an enthusiastic “CATS!” chant by all present parties. Have energy drinks at the ready: This is especially important for evening games. By the time 5 o’clock rolls around you should have already had a solid day of drinking and yelling under your belt, but any sort of napping is completely out of the question. If you find yourself becoming a bit woozy, simply have a Red Bull, drink some water, and call other people pussies to deflect your shame, and you’ll be right back in the game in no time. Eat plenty of meat: On a typical day you might order a comfortable cheeseburger and fries. This should never happen on a Saturday at Commonwealth Stadium. Since you’re tailgating, feel free to enjoy that cheeseburger in its entirety and wash it down with a brat, a ballpark frank and an extra protein-packed Keystone. Protein takes a while to break down, which slows down alcohol absorption, which helps you make it through halftime — at least that’s what our 8th grade gym teacher told us. Designate a pissing tree: No one has time to wait thirty minutes in line
for a portapotty, not even you, ladies. This is why it is extremely important to designate a pissing tree straight away. There are several weeping willow trees in the field across Alumni Drive that provide great shelter and privacy. Find the tree that best suits your style and personality and stake your claim in it before anyone else can. Trust us, you’ll be glad you did.
continue reading on page 9
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Scratch Goes To College
The adventures of the big dog on campus.
Death To The Deadlines
Ain’t nobody got time for them!
Keep Up With Us! @UKBlackSheep • theblacksheeponline.com
page 11
Bartender of the Week
Amber from Tin Roof is a pretty mermaid on the inside.
>> Table of Contents << page 5: The Top Ten: Signs UK is Back in Session >> Your fridge is stocked with beer, yet you are more broke than ever. Welcome home! page 6: On the Streets >> If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in? page 10: The Black Sheep Interviews: A Moped Bro >> Well, it was more like an interrogation, but we needed some answers. page 11: Drinking game and Recipe for Disaster >> We play dice (or do we?) and make you some Big Boy Chili.
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page 12: Saints Row IV, A Keith David Story >> This man’s life is full inspiration! page 13: We Interview: Kevin Viner: A Magician >> No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money.
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Punchtuate The actual moment a fist meets a face, ending a fight. “Blake used his fist to punchtuate the fight after he had enough of Robert’s endless shit-talking."
of the
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @UKBLackSheep First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: UCF’s Knightro
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @UKBlackSheep and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Friendly Chicago blues legend that would weep openly if compared to male Food Network face. Last Week’s Answer: Ma-Donna Summer
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Scratch Goes to
By: C Weaver
College Scratch is leaving home for the first time in order to attend the University of Kentucky. He’ll miss his family even though his dad is quite annoying, always licking his balls and pissing around the parameter of their home, while his mom is cattier than Kate Gosselin — sure she grooms her son on a daily basis, but she also spends the days passed out on the porch or rubbing up on strangers. When Scratch told his family and friends that he enrolled in college, they called him an uppity housecat and told him he’d be neutered within a week. But Scratch is a Kentucky Wildcat and he belongs at the University of Kentucky, if only to finally get laid. On his very first day of college, the very first thing Scratch learned was how to wake and bake. There’s nothing like a little catnip in the morning to start the day off right. After leaving the Blanding Complex, he received some vital advice about choosing his major. “A lot of hotties choose International Studies and Dietetics,” said the creepy eccentric advisor. “If you want a sweet view for those 8 a.m. classes, go with one of those majors.” He choose International Studies because he really wanted some pussy. Scratch decided to head to class in hopes that someone would finally teach him the meaning of “blumpy.” But as he passed the Patterson Office Tower, instinct took over and before he could stop himself, he was pissing on the foot of the Patterson Statue. He was utterly mortified; that’s something his dad would’ve done, but Scratch was better than that. He walked away, hanging his head in shame, hoping that no one would smell the rancid cat-piss stank coming from old Patterson. Unfortunately for Scratch, he had just scored the worst exam luck of all time. After hours of watching crusty professors read their longwinded syllabi to classes full of fresh-faced, eager kiddies, Scratch was ready to fill up on all the food his mom never let him have. He headed over to Ovid’s and asked for the greasiest thing on the menu. Luckily enough, everything comes with at least a half gallon of grease so Scratch swiped his card and sat alone in the corner, unnoticed by passersby. About thirty minutes later, Scratch got real cozy with the Ovid’s bathroom. A real bond was formed and Scratch knew that he would be back there every day to see his new friend. He would never understand why humans shit in water when
there was a perfectly good patch of grass just outside. Scratch decided that just because he seemed like another small fish in this big pond didn’t mean he couldn’t go toot his own horn in hopes of scoring. To his astonishment, after hitting on no less than 14 ladies at Kennedy Book Store, he met a girl with a Grumpy Cat fetish. He had no idea what or who Grumpy Cat was, but he didn’t care. She made him say “no” repeatedly throughout, with a monotone voice nonetheless, but it didn’t matter. He finally got lucky on his first day at UK. Just as everything finished, Scratch got a clear head. He really started to miss home. He thought about the bobcat next door who was betrothed to him. He daydreamed about raw meat and outdoor urination. Scratch considered dropping out and returning home, but realized he already spent his financial aid on catnip, a new phone, and kitty porn. For this first semester at least, he’ll have to buck up, walk tall through campus, and do his best to avoid pissing on everything that smells of frat boys.
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Death to the deadlines
The
Top
Ten
Signs UK is Back in Session By: Shelby Bevins
It’s that time of year again, folks! Whether you like it or not, UK is back in session. If you missed the memorandum, here are the top ten signs that will reassure your oblivious face. 10.) The line at Tolly Ho’s is out the door: By the time you get up to the counter you forget what you were going to order. Your buzz is gone by the time you get your Super Ho. 9.) “We Are UK” t-shirts are all over campus: Oodles of ramen noodles of freshmen are flaunting their new UK shirts. There are so many that the campus seems riddled with blue dots and floating white letters. It’s actually a little trippy… 8.) You can’t get into your favorite restaurants near campus: Places like Pazzo’s, Sav’s Grill and The Local Taco are packed by 5 every evening. This means you’re just going to have to drive your ass all the way down to New Circle if you want a bite to eat before midnight. 7.) Rose Street horrors: Rose Street is clogged with student drivers, walkers, bikers and everyone in between caught in an epic battle for the right-of-way. 6.) Student discounts: You can save 10% on just about everything here in Lexington if you flash your Wildcat ID. It’s the closest you’ll get to feeling like you’re a member of the basketball team. 5.) Your fridge is stocked with beer: Not that your fridge wasn’t stocked with beer before, but all the stress from classes has heightened your thirst. Oh beer connoisseur, the kind of beer that will need steady restocking will be Bud Ice or Natty Light. If that’s not the kind of watery nastiness you like, then you’re S.O.L.
Ain’t nobody got time for them. It’s late, you’re bored, and the pancake line at CSF is entirely too long for you. So you decided that you’ll just skim a negligible amount of cheese and crackers from your roommate and get some work done at the Royal Lexington. However, you completely forgot that at the Royal Lexington you have to bring your own router to receive wifi and your slacker roommate has yet to buy one. Oh well, it’s not like you have a really important paper due in … AN HOUR?! Since the semester is barely a week old you’d think your professors would start slow with some “Get to Know You Bingo” and save all that important shit for later on in the semester. Wrong. For some reason every UK professor and barely-there TA thinks it’s cool to assign a boatload of homework on top of purchasing a brand new edition of a textbook written by your professor, and by “new edition” it means “updated author biography includes his new cat.” So now, barely two weeks into the semester, they’ve got us waking up at an ungodly hour to attend a gen ed class, turn in five arbitrary 150 word “responses” in on a website that never works, all by our third class? Da fuck? We don’t know about you guys, but to use this constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. Studies have shown that deadlines like these cause a flare up of “HaveNoTimeForThisShititis, a flu-based disease found in your average college student. When the HNTFTS is triggered some symptoms include an itchy palm (which
By: Shauntionne Mosley
is only alleviated by slapping the hell out of anything with a pulse), eye twitching, and an unhealthily low amount of fucks given. September 21st is the last day of summer. So while you should be sitting poolside, reading your syllabus and debating whether you even want to take this class, you’re instead too busy trying to put a hex on your ancient history professor who swears he told the class about some paper’s due date at the first recitation. Everyone knows he’s thinking of the class he taught back in 1940, so they try to correct him, but since he’s older than the books he teaches and half of his brain cells were smoked away during an “interesting night at Woodstock,” there’s no budging on this deadline. But hey, you’re young, still sort of stoned from the toke down behind Commonwealth Stadium, and dreaming about the all-you-caneat Reese’s Puffs at Blazer Café. Embrace your HNTFTS, you were under the impression that classes wouldn’t be significant until at least the middle of September, and lord a’mighty if you already made plans to get high and not write papers. You paid a lot to be called a Wildcat and as far as we’re concerned you should be calling the shots around here — you can turn that paper in next week and the world will keep on spinnin’. This is your school, and you do better learning in a non-structured, deadline-less, creative environment. Some people call that being a lazy asshole, we call it being a student who just doesn’t have time for this shit.
4.) CD Central has cool stuff going on: Now you know where the cool kids hang out. You probably didn’t know that CD Central sometimes lets local bands play in their parking lot, sells tickets to local clubs, has special sales or even that CD Central was still relevant. Well it is, because we say it is! 3.) You’re more broke than ever before: Brethren, the very plight of college existence is almost always purchasing textbooks and other bullshit you’ll never use again once the semester is over. After buying books, clickers, and perhaps slipping your professors a 20, chances are you’ll feel more downtrodden than the UK football team. It might be time to sell off a kidney on the black market.
2.) You’re exhausted: After pleasantries and a review of the syllabus, it’s time for (drum roll, please)…assignments. Don’t forget about your shitty part time job, loans, bills, girlfriend(s) and life in general all happening on the side. A wave of disgruntlement permeates the air, but hey, we took this deal. 1.) The Parking Gestapo: These fine officers keep a watchful eye on the meters and seem to know precisely when they expire. They get their jollies by watching you throw a huge hissy fit along of Avenue of Champions. Don’t give them the satisfaction — wait to get into your car before punching everything.
05
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in? h o m o re Tina C., Sop
Something’s getting tapped, am I right?! “Checkers!”
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unior Kelsey S., J
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06
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Continued FROM THE COVER
things to Avoid Doing: Worry too much about the game’s outcome: Let’s be serious, UK doesn’t have best reputation when it comes to wins on the football field, so don’t shed a tear if the Cats don’t bring home a victory. However, we do have a reputation for throwing one hell of a tailgate so be sure keep this in mind on game day. The tailgaters are the real stars of Saturday, make sure you bring your A game every week.
probably have a lot more people on their side than you do, and are most likely looking for any excuse to flex some testosterone. A general rule of thumb: if they are wearing blue, they are your friends. If they are blue, they are dead, and therefore don’t need any more trouble. Start problems with the cops: The only thing worse than getting beaten up by a gang of frat stars is getting hauled off to jail on the handlebars of Lieutenant Lance Armstrong’s shiny black ten speed. Bike cops are everywhere and can be awfully sneaky, but arrest or citation is easily avoidable. Just remember to keep it in a cup and keep your hands to yourself.
Asking a million questions: No one has time to explain to you what a first down means or why the thrower guy doesn’t just heave it down the field every time for a touchdown. If you are over the age of 60 and wearing a chunky black headset then by all means, analyze the game until you are blue in the face. But if not, then try to worry about more important matters like why those two high school kids just ran off with half our beer.
Be the first to rush the field: Every now and then the Cats shock the world and knock off a top ranked opponent. We know it’s hard to resist, but try not to be the first one to rush the field. A large, beefy cop will take you down and he will enjoy it. But if you simply can’t resist the urge to be the first to plunge onto the field, make sure you use the buddy system and scatter as soon as you hit the deck.
Start problems with fellow fans: We’re all Kentucky fans here, so there is no need to start a fight with someone for no reason other than your own drunken buffoonery. If you find yourself stumbling through the aisles of tailgaters and feel the urge to say something rude to someone, keep in mind that they
Now we know this is a lot to take in and realistically someone is going to get in a fight, arrested, or both, but don’t let that be you. Jot down a few notes before you head out to the main event and do your best to keep it classy, but most importantly, have an awesome time represent UK to the fullest.
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
The black sheep interviews:
A moped bro
By: black sheep staff The Black Sheep recently had the chance to cover a very serious issue. An issue you may not have been aware of. It’s Moped Bros. They’ve had it with societal condemnation. A young man should be able to have a totally sweet time on the back of his bro’s sick moped without fear of being judged. But nothing’s being done to quell this aforementioned judgment, and one brave, young man has had enough. He agreed to an interview with The Black Sheep to make aware the plight of the Moped Bros., and we couldn’t be more thrilled. In this interview, he will remain anonymous, of course. But we will say his name rhymes with…Bravis. The Black Sheep: Hey, [redacted]. How’ve you been? Anonymous Moped Bro: I’ve been doing pretty good. Really, just a great week all around. This room smells kinda funny, though.
TBS: Uh-huh. And how does that make you feel? AMB: Huh? TBS: Do you feel subjugated? Patronized by society? You must be so ashamed. AMB: What? TBS: It’s okay. You have nothing to be afraid of. You’re not alone anymore. AMB: Guy, I don’t know what you’re talking about. TBS: Well, I can see that the subject is a bit… personal for you. That’s fine. It’s perfectly normal to be defensive at a time like this. Let’s move on. When did you realize you were a Moped Bro? AMB: I’m still not totally sure what that means.
TBS: That’s great. So, [redacted], let’s get to brass tacks. What exactly is a “Moped Bro” to you? AMB: Excuse me?
TBS: It means the injustice being directed towards you is pungent. We’re not going to stand for that. We’re here to help. AMB: I don’t want your help. I want to get out of here. Get this light out of my face.
TBS: The term “Moped Bro.” Does it resonate with you? AMB: I mean, like, sometimes my friend, [redacted], gives me a ride to school on his moped, if that’s what you mean. He drives; I ride in the back. We do it to save on a bit of gas. What are we doing here?
TBS: Wait, [redacted]! We need you for this. There are so many out there just like you. They need you; someone to stand up for them! If you don’t stop this madness, who will? AMB: Again, I’m still not clear on what the “madness” is.
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TBS: We’ll get to that later. AMB: I just want to go home. TBS: I think you’ll find that quite difficult with the thrice locked door. AMB: What? TBS: And the room being windowless and all. AMB: Oh, my god. You’re actually insane. TBS: Hey! Don’t you judge me! I bust my ass trying to help you and your kind and this is the thanks I get? The goddamn stink-eye? AMB: Dude, you’re scaring me. TBS: You’re damn right I am. This is Bad Cop. Want me to go back to Good? AMB: Look, guy, I’m sure you’re super chill and all, but…I think there’s a bit of a misunderstanding here. TBS: What’s to misunderstand? You’re a bro and also you ride on a moped with your bro. You’re a Moped Bro. AMB: Yeah, but…I guess I didn’t really think about –
TBS: I will flay you! AMB: Jesus, man! TBS: Sorry, went back to Bad way too quickly. AMB: Really, I just want to go home. TBS: But…I can’t go back to HQ with nothing. They might actually flay me. AMB: Well, I’m really sorry man – TBS: Just… give me a quote. Give me something! AMB: Uh, leave the Moped Bros. alone? There you have it folks, right from the mouth of our anonymous source. Your assortment of apathy and contempt for the Moped Bros. is literally killing them. This problem ends with you. Please, let the Moped Bros. go.
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TBS: Why, the subjugation and objectification of Moped Bros.! Surely that’s why you agreed to this interview. To help put a stop to it. AMB: I thought this was a sleep study.
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Who is your favorite Mark?: Maker’s Mark
Major: Psychology/Biology Favorite drink: Cold beer Favorite Shot: Gatorade shots Disgusting Drink: Fireball Where would you rather be right now?: Nowhere except the roof! What drink is the biggest pain in the ass to make?: Big Cuz. When and where was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: My house? If you could be a mythical creature, what would it be?: Mermaid, because they’re pretty.
Amber of Tin Roof
What do you think those corporate fat cats are up to?: No comment. Describe how you feel about yourself in five words: Umm... Awkward… Do you think you could take a bobcat in a fight?: I would try, my friends would have my back! What TV show are you most excited to have back?: Vampire Diaries. Describe this bar in hashtags: #awesome #bestbarinlex #beststaffinlex Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s cool and has mad libs!
Recipe for disaster
Drinking Game Liar's Dice
Big Boy Chili
We all lie, whether it’s to our parents as to why we’re so tired, or to our friends as to why making out with that uggo was a totally reasonable thing to do. Translate that love for deceit into a game of gambling: Liar’s Dice.
It’s football season, bitches. If you’re not out standing in the stadium, cheering on your team like a MAN, then you better be inside in front of the TV with a six pack and a tub of chili. Oh, no chili? We got you covered.
What You’ll Need: Six dice per player, one opaque cup per player, some beer. Number of Players: 2+ Level of Intoxication: You’ll be asking what’s the haps on the craps (in your pants).
What You’ll Need: Oil, a crockpot, a frying pan, ground beef, a can of diced tomatoes, 4 cans of kidney beans, a can of tomato paste, chopped onions, a can of beef broth, chili powder, sliced hot dogs, brown sugar and garlic Cook Time: About 3 hours, be patient Fatty Factor: MEN DON’T COUNT CALORIES
How to Play: • The object of the game is to be the last player with any dice left. • Each player rolls a die. The highest score will be the first person to act for the first hand. Each hand first to act rotates left of this person. • Now, each player uses the cup to shake up his or her dice. Each player places the cup top-down on the table. Each player secretly looks at his dice. Twos through sixes are worth face value. Ones are wild. • The first player to act must make a bet on the number and quantity of the set of dice on the table. For example, a bettor can claim “there are four sixes at the table.” • The player to the left of the first bettor may do one of three things: • Increase the number of total dice on the table (raising four sixes to seven sixes, for example). • Increase the dice value (Raise three twos to three threes). • Challenge (Stop play, dice are revealed to see if the most recent bettor wins or loses). • If a challenge occurs and there are equal or greater numbers of dice on the table than the last bettor (including wilds), he or she wins. If there is less than the total number of gambled dice on the table, the challenger wins. • The loser of the challenge removes a die and drinks for three seconds. The Game Ends When: Only one player has any dice left.
Let’s Get Baked: • In the frying pan, break up and cook the ground beef in a little oil until it is browned. • Turn on your crockpot to medium heat and add in the beef and hot dog slices with the tomatoes, tomato paste, half of your beans and beef broth. • Cover the pot and let the chili simmer for about an hour. • Add in the remainder of ingredients (the other half of the beans, onion, chili powder, brown sugar and garlic) and continue to let the chili cook on the low setting, covered for another hour and half. • Taste test! Make sure it’s hot and flavored nicely. If not, make the adjustments. YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR WOMAN MAKE THIS FOR YOU.
Great, you won. Now head to confession, sinner.
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Saints Row IV: A Keith David Story By: Kevin Wise Keith David has been a hero in the American eye for quite some time now. Whether it be from his motion picture debut in Disco Godfather, to his more modern portrayal of a hard-boiled cop in My Mom’s New Boyfriend, David has made audiences laugh and cry worldwide. But, truly, dear reader, Keith David has outdone himself this time. His more recent outing in the realm of entertainment has been in the recentlyreleased Saints Row IV. Starring Keith David. As Keith David. Hey reader, sorry, this isn’t for you. Yeah, we know you picked up the paper and all, and this is in the paper, but we were hoping a copy would float Keith David’s way, and you are most certainly not Keith David. We just want to talk to Keith for a minute. Just a second. Go play with your Pogs or something. Keith, hi, it’s The Black Sheep. How’ve you been? Good, we hope. We’ve been doing alright ourselves, trying to be funny and stuff. Yeah, the kids are great, thanks for asking. Uh, but also, we were wondering: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? It’s not going to get better than this, Keith! You’ve single-handedly doomed your career. What’s that smell, Keith? What does that smell like to you? Yeah, that’s unemployment! Get used to it. That’s going to be wafting around for a while now. You consciously decided to play the part of yourself as vice president to a president that was a former thug. That’s the role of a lifetime! And that’s just ignoring how badass your character, you, is in the first place. “Keith David: Vice President who has super powers and likes to tear shit up but also has a sensitive side and flaws just like everyone else.” It doesn’t roll of the tongue, but by God, Keith! You can’t just sit here and think you’re going to get away with this. Fans will never want a follow-up to this part; it would be blasphemous. You appeal to every facet of the emotional spectrum here, Keith! It’s like, in getting this role, all of the planets aligned and every single one of them has your face painted on it. No one’s going to give you the disservice of even trying to follow that shit up.
“You consciously decided to play the part of yourself as vice president to a president that was a former thug. That’s the role of a lifetime!” Let’s make this perfectly clear: You’ve done good. You play yourself really, really well in Saints Row IV. There is literally no one else we’d rather have play Keith David but you, Keith David. But this is the end of the road, friend. This is the peak. You’ve upped yourself in every single way. Now, it’s totally possible that you’d think that’s a good thing; that you’re pushing your limits. Well, you have. All the way. Nobody’s going to want any more Keith David because there’s nothing else to get. You’ve done it
all, and Saints Row IV was the straw that broke that damn camel. And, honestly Keith, you’ve been skirting this for quite some time; the attainment of the quintessential Keith David performance, we mean. Some thought you might have pulled it off as the Flame King in Adventure Time, but they were all stoned. Others claimed that your performance as Not-Riddick in The Chronicles of Riddick was your swan song, but then Vin Diesel snapped all of their necks. You never did thank Vincent for that, did you? You should probably do that. Get in touch with him before the darkness of anonymity sets in. Look, Keith, you’re a great guy. You’ve got a winning smile and a dulcet, golden voice. God, that voice. But that’s precisely the problem. By playing yourself in what is arguably the Citizen Kane of videogames…where do you go from there? America (and everywhere else) doesn’t want a more perfect piece. They’re happy with what they got. And, boy, you cut it close before. Remember Mass Effect? How hard that was? People loved Captain Anderson. Your portrayal of the beloved captain and the bacchanal of alien sex in the games made the series a near classic. Just one problem: BioWare made it impossible for the player to get busy with Captain Anderson. Yes, we know, that was extremely upsetting. Seriously, Mass Effect! We’re pretty sure you could have sex with a jellyfish in that game. The injustice on the part of the developers was inexcusable in the eyes of series fans, and the resulting outcry was palpable. We both know what happened to BioWare afterwards. It’s best not to talk about it. Then Volition, the creator of the Saints Row series, picked up the slack in the fourth iteration of their game and allowed the player to woo you, Keith “Motherfuckin’” David. Of course, you refuse the player’s advances, but at least the option is presented. Unfortunately, this means you’ve got nothing left. Once you’ve been offered virtual sex by a player who is most likely some amalgamation of animal cruelty and weird-smelling alcohol, your career has nowhere to go but down. Or, in your case, nowhere at all. It’s like you think people liked Cloud Atlas! Keith, you can’t fall back on that. Tell us, how many dildo bats did Cloud Atlas have? Huh? None of us saw Cloud Atlas, but we’re going to guess very few at best. Saints Row has that in spades. Dildo bats are, like, its hobby. Every punch line in that game is a dildo bat. And it’s that kind of Grade-A humor that made yours a household name, and then immediately banished it into obscurity.
Disco Godfather
We’re sorry, Keith, but you really did this to yourself. By accepting and successfully playing such a perfect role, you’ve ruined the rest of your life. Movies can’t take you back. Video games certainly won’t take you back. Really, they’re doing you a favor. Better to be snuffed out as a brilliant flame than as a dying spark.
My Mom’s New Boyfriend
The Black Sheep Interviews
A Magician!
This week we interviewed Kevin Viner, a magician, because outside of Gob we really don’t know what it’s like to be a full-time magic man. Kevin primarily performs at corporate events, does some college mind-reading tours, and can be reached on Twitter at @KevinViner and OfficialKevinViner on Facebook. No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money.
By: Brendan and Quinn
The Black Sheep: How did you first get interested in magic, and what led to it becoming your career? Kevin Viner: From the time I was five years old I knew the direction I wanted to go. By the time I was eight or nine it was still what I wanted to do, so as far as I can remember it's been a passion of mine. TBS: What did you focus on when you were in school, knowing all you wanted to be was a magician? Kevin: Sports and everything came really easy to me because I realized that if I studied and worked hard it freed up time to do other things. I went to UC Irvine and studied math, because even though I'm in entertainment, I do a lot of corporate events. People have this misconception about being a magician, magic’s going to get you all the girls, magic’s going to be amazing and all this stuff. In corporate America people hear I’m a magician and think I do magic because it was my only choice, instead of thinking about how I do magic because I enjoy it. I knew I needed an education, because if you're performing for a room full of executives and can't hold your own, it's really detrimental to go through that. TBS: Did you start as an apprentice, or did you read books? How did you learn the trade? Kevin: I read a lot of books. My parents would take me down to the magic shop and pick up a lot of books when I was a kid, and I would study them front to back. And as my reading level increased, the more books I read. I didn't have a "mentor" until a few years ago. The guy works with Harvard and MIT doing lectures, but his day job is a magician. He's been really helpful these last few years in refining my act, but other than that it was really self-taught. TBS: Is there some sort of magician union, or is it every man for himself? Kevin: There’s a place in Hollywood called the Magic Castle, which is sort of a mecca for magicians. I started going to the Magic Castle when I was probably fifteen for classes and performing. I would go up there once month and meet with a young fraternity of other magicians who were interested in the same things. I met a lot of friends and learned from other people, but at the same time, I almost felt a little ostracized from the group because we didn’t share a whole lot of interests outside of magic. I tend to rely on myself now, because I've been doing it long enough that I don't need to learn any new grand ideas, since I know my base routines and can improvise off that. I used to hang out with a lot of magicians, but now I really hang out with five to ten really close friends who are in the magic community. TBS: Are there things you want to do in your act that you might not have the financial backing for? Kevin: It's very similar to any start-up company because you have to spend money to make money. So you could sit down with an idea and know you can do the trick, but will a corporation pay for you to do the extra trick? So if I have an idea that I know people would spend another $10,000 for, then sure I'd spend that money to get a return on that investment.
TBS: So, how much of your time is spent on working up new ideas, as opposed to performing? Kevin: That really depends on the day or week, like right now I'm in this crazy creative mode since during summer a lot of stuff tends to die down with both the corporate and college crowds. Then going into the winter things get crazy again. I've got companies booking me ahead of time for repeat business, so I don't need to focus on that side of things. A lot of the job is just a lot of reading and researching, hoping an idea will come to you, since you can get sort of a writer's block on ideas. TBS: What happens when something goes wrong? Kevin: When stuff happens — and it does, that's just a fact — there's not a lot you can do. Fortunately my style of performing lends itself well to this, but if you're David Copperfield and you're on stage and you really mess up a trick, you’re kind of shit out of luck. I do a lot of comedy on stage too, so my approach is if I can treat the audience to a good laugh after something doesn't work right, the more they're going to be on my side and they won't care. A well-placed one-liner improvised on the spot is always a pretty good cover-up. TBS: When you see other magicians do their tricks, is it easy for you to know what they're doing, or is there an aura of mystery still? Kevin: I pretty much know exactly what's going on since magicians are doing riffs on the same things. The stuff that fools me the most (and this is the same with audiences) is unexpected stuff. So if you know if a lady is going to float you're looking for strings or whatever, but if instead the lady turns into two ladies and then they disappear, you're caught off guard and it's a lot less likely that you'll figure it out. So that's an advantage magicians have in performing for regular audiences, we call them lay people, they don't know what's coming most of the time -- even with classic tricks. TBS: How often do you encounter unruly audience members? Kevin: Some people just want their voice to be heard because they're a high powered lawyer in LA, don't pay attention, and just want to be an alpha dog in the room; these guys don't really bother me, I can handle them pretty well. I've learned from a lot of different stand up comics on how to maintain character, shut the heckler up, and keep the audience on my side. So when it comes to hecklers, I’m able to get them to settle down by being really nice to them in the beginning, figure out a way to deflect or involve them, and then slowly get meaner and meaner as the situation allows, and as the audience turns against them as well. TBS: What is the hierarchy in magic, how do you go from a stage performer to having TV specials or Vegas specials, things like that? Kevin: First, it's a jump you really have to want. If you go to Vegas to do a show you'd need a talent promoter to bring you in, or you’d have to rent the theater and market it out yourself — and those shows almost always fail. If you really want to start doing TV you have to make yourself known in LA and around the Magic Castle. I have a talent agent
as well as being part of different casting agencies. You also have to realize in the big showrooms you won't necessarily be making as much money. There's two paths to take: the business approach where you go after weddings and the corporate events, that's where the money is, and you'll be able to make $50-60 grand in a year and work your way up to six figures even. But if you want to make it big time, you do the Vegas night club circuit and the comedy clubs that only pay $100 a night, and it's a grind, so you've got to want it badly. That stuff doesn't really interest me as much because I like doing the corporate events, so it's doubtful you'll ever see my name on a Vegas billboard. TBS: When you see the big magicians do they have access to resources that put them on another level? Kevin: Let's take David Blaine, and look at his special — you see him do the routine where he walks up to random strangers and asks their name. Then all of a sudden a taxi cab drives by with the name painted on the side. The thing is, there's more to that picture, which I won't get into, but there's more to that picture than what you're seeing, so with that stuff I know what's going. But then there's stuff that's just like, you know what's going on, barring some CGI work I know what's going on, how it works, and sometimes it's freakin' brilliant! I take most issue when a performer is levitating, and on TV you see them go four feet off the ground, but live the spectators are only seeing them go three inches off the ground. Now the spectator's reaction is real, but for the people at home it is much different. To me, that's when it gets a little stupid. Don't do that, have a better skill set to do better magic. But then the question becomes who wouldn't do the same thing? You can't really complain about someone who has a multimillion-dollar TV contract calling the shots.
spot the difference
Can you find the 10 differences in this tailgating scene? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!
Ball Varieties ACROSS 2) A ballistic this send warheads to a predetermined target. 4) The technical term for your man’s balls. 5) Lebron James, Michael Jordan, etc. 9) Foooore! 10) These high class ladies would attend a ball. 14) Ball State University is located in this state. 15) 30-Love 17) Soccer for the U.S. 18) This type of dance often happens on the ball of the foot. 19) Our beloved president is notoriously bad at this sport. 20) These popular pet snakes have a ball variety. DOWN 1) When a guy doesn’t get his rocks off, two words. 3) Football for the rest of the world.
crossword
6) “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston is considered one of her greatest what? 7) Pizza cheese that comes in the shape of a ball. 8) “N****s in Paris (Ball So Hard)” came off of which album? 11) Sophisticated pool 12) Most popular game in Australia, played with a bat and ball. 13) If your s/o is a pain in your ass, they might be your ball and this. 16) Girls in Spandex play this.
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6 degrees of separation
Miley Cyrus to
Mila Kunis These two are connected by 6 different people. if you know who, and how, tweet us @UKBlackSheep First 3 right answers get a prize!
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