Kentucky - Issue 2 - 9/18/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 5

The Black Sheep

SHO FREE! T AT LIKE THE A M END ELT Y OF JELL A TA -0 ILG ATE .

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Issue2

Rosebud: The End of an Era Rebecca Anderson wrote this Commonly referred to by students, as “Rosedad’s,” this University of Kentucky staple was known to be easy on the IDs and hard on the liquor. However, just a few short weeks ago the Alcohol and Beverage Control cabinet came down harder than our midterm grades, and now Rosebud is forced to follow the barbaric tradition called “law.” Yes Rosebud was, and still is a bar, but no longer can a curious underage freshman or a juiced-up underage Delt confidently use their fake IDs at what used to be their second home. No longer can the high schoolers of Lexington venture downtown and enjoy some nice, not-so-clean, family fun on a weekend during Christmas break. No longer can one venture fifteen feet across Mill Street and drunkenly order Goodfellas Pizza, only to make the fatal mistake of bringing it back to the bar, and then having to let many a hammered friend have a bite. Rosebud is now stricter than a nun on the Sabbath, breaking its long tradition that started in the middle of last century. Just like the generations that came before, many of us had our bar start at Rosedad’s, and for most of you, it was much more than just a place to get drunk and play the electronic gambling machine on weekend nights. Rosedad’s was the great halfway house between chugging KG at frat parties and chugging bourbon and Cokes at Tin Roof.

“Your drinks were always cheap, and the bartenders were always cordial and willing to serve us until we could barely move from your ripped, faux-leather bar stool.” Sophomore year, the figurative middle child of the undergraduate experience, in which one is too old to regularly attend parties, but too young to legally be associated with alcohol, was made easier with the existence of Rosedad’s. Sure, one could have probably gotten into the place with their name written on a notecard, and the legality of anyone inside was always questionable; but it wasn’t about age, it was about heart, and lots of John Wall shots. Would you be the bar-star you are today if not first being taught how to act in an adult establishment through the trials and tribulations endured at Rosedad’s? The answer is no, you most definitely would not. Even until its final days of lawlessness, one could fight through the cigarette smoke and drunken students and be taken back in time --

PAGE 4 MASTURBATION SCHEDULE NOW ENFORCED IN SMITH HALL IT’S FOR YOUR HEALTH, TRUST US.

mainly because nothing has been updated within the establishment since the late eighties. As one moves further towards the back, the voices throughout the crowd create a low hum, and the diverse crowd of individuals whose ages range from seventeen to sixty-three make it easy for anyone to find a place for themselves. Oh, Rosedad’s. Your drinks were always cheap, and the bartenders were always cordial and willing to serve us until we could barely move from your ripped, faux-leather bar stool.

PAGE 7

Rosedad’s. Next time you’re at Tin Roof and think to yourself, “man, this band is great,” think of Rosedad’s; and next time Tin Roof takes your fake for the third time, think about how you wish you could go to Rosebud. Rosebud may not have had lime for your tequila shots or music for your ears, but it felt good for your soul. So never forget where you came from; as the era of Rosedad’s sadly and quietly fades away with the wind, over a hillside dawned with bluegrass, there’s only one thing left to say: Thanks Obama. Thanks to you, we have to start obeying the law.

PAGES 12-13

TOP 10: WORST COLLEGE JOBS AT UK

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

MAKE SOME EXTRA CASH AND HEAD DOWN A SUCCESSFUL CAREER PATH.

ONE COLLEGE SENIOR PUT UP AND SHUT UP WHILE RETAKING A HISTORY A.P. TEST. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’D DO?

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Shekinah Alfaro

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Rebecca Anderson

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

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A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE PUERTO RICAN FOG BANK “After fashioning an impromptu helmet out of a watermelon rind Selma was relieved that no one would see the severe cranial bruising she suffered after drunkenly falling down a flight of stairs.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

S’MORGASM Any orgasm in which chocolate, marshmallow, graham cracker or fire is involved.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Started heavy metal band Body Count.

Spent many years in the Army.

Voiced Madd Dogg in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

# #

“Lick that Hershey highway off my fat tits!” Melody screamed as she loudly s’morgasmed.

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CAMPUS HEALTH

Masturbation Schedule Now Enforced in Smith Hall Aron Wolde Wrote This

After years of awkward knocks, confusing thumping noises, and embarrassing interruptions, Smith Hall officials have installed a mandatory masturbation schedule for new roommates. The schedule is meant to alleviate the all-too-familiar stress of walking in on your roommate while he or she is “spanking the monkey.” The new ruling has been in development for years, says Barbara Hannick, head administrator of the dorm. “We’ve been working with the school for the past five months trying to find an effective way to administrate this problem. Biologists, life coaches, and pornographers have all been called in for their expertise.” The problem Barbra is talking about is known to all freshmen. How does one touch themselves without having their roommate see them? However, now thanks to Smith Hall’s Masturbation Schedule it doesn’t have to be. The schedule works by both examining the free time roommates share each semester and how long they spend in class. After student registration, a crack team of counselors works on building a schedule for every group of roommates, and by the move-in date the schedule is posted on the door. Stories like Belinda Johnson’s and Elvis McGanian’s have forced Barbra to act on their behalf. “My roommate would run in and out at random times. I would ask him when he’d be coming back and he would always respond ‘oh, whenever.’ ” Says Elvis, a senior at Kentucky. After months of

waiting he decided to take the risk. “He was in class, I thought I would have the room to myself for the hour, I only needed about five minutes anyhow. Since it had been so long I decided to go all out. Light some candles, buy an actual DVD, I even got satin sheets for the occasion.” That’s when tragedy struck. “He walked in on minute four and I didn’t know what to do.” Elvis panicked and jumped off his bed. Elvis and his roommate shared bunk beds and because of his smooth sheets he fell incorrectly, landing directly on his manhood. “They call it the reverse pole vault. Happens all the time, apparently.” Injuries like this aren’t uncommon in the dorms; two in five students will hurt themselves because of masturbationrelated incidents like this every semester. The same day, Belinda Johnson, also a senior, shared a room with a girl whose name will not be disclosed. “My parents were very strict with me as a child. They said if I ever did anything that my roommate did, I would go straight to HECK.” Boring and true to her word, Belinda never did anything in her dorm room that year. This, however, was not true for her roommate. “She had brought it up a few times and I always said ‘I’m not letting you go to Heck, no I’m not.’” The relationship the two shared quickly became strained because of this. “It was October 5th when it happened.” That evening Belinda’s roommate

reportedly snapped. “She just started screaming, ripped the face of Zac Efron off of my High School Musical 3 poster and wrote herself a one way ticket to Heck.” Belinda panicked, she quickly ran out of her room and sought refuge in the room across the hall. Unfortunately that room belonged to Elvis and she walked in right in the middle of his reverse pole vault. “His pants were down and he was screaming, his roommate was screaming,

everyone was screaming!” Belinda now lives off campus, very far off campus. Barbra believes that with the new mechanics of the Masturbation Schedule, problems like this will never arise again. Things like timed locks, doorbells, and the mandatory removal of any Zac Efron poster will help the school avoid these problems in the future.

FILM STUDIES

THE TOP TEN Worst College Jobs at UK Well Wildcats, it’s about a week after financial aid refunds, and it can be assumed that you’ve already blown your funds for the semester on liquor and a PS4. Or perhaps your parents are pissed you’re entering your 6th year of college trying to earn a BA in theater and philosophy and have finally decided to cut you off. Either way, you need to make some extra cash. Here at The Black Sheep, we’ve compiled a list of the jobs to avoid so you don’t end up drinking away the pain during the days you’re not at work (we know you will anyway). 10.) Tolly Ho: Friday night at 2 a.m., you are stuck here, taking shots in the back with the cook hiding from the groups of sorority chicks as they giggle about ordering the extra-large cheddar tots and being “so fat.” Pass the Smirnoff please.

Sober Reviews Presents:

Nicolas Cage Films

9.) Willy T. Young Library: Stocking book shelves might not seem too bad, but the horror becomes real when you’re forced to rearrange the “Scandinavian Politics” section next to the small study room where some creepy guy is obviously looking at photos from The Fappening and openly jerking off. 8.) Chik-fil-A, UK Student Center: Yeah, you get a free meal every time you work, but having to pray over each chicken patty and having to serve the hate speech priest who occupies campus every other week really starts to wear thin after the first month.

Black Sheep Staff wrote this The Black Sheep has a proud tradition of getting drunk and reviewing things in a segment aptly titled, “Drunk Reviewz.” Our “Drunk Reviewz” have been very popular and a lot of fun. So this time, we changed it up a little by strapping one of our writers to a chair and forcing him, A Clockwork Orange-style, to watch a series of progressively worse Nicolas Cage movies, without even a drop of booze in his body. These are his sober reviews: Lord of War: Hey, whaddaya know? This one’s legitimately good. It’s well-acted, it’s thrilling and emotional, and it’s an intelligent depiction of the illegal arms-trafficking industry. And best of all, Nicolas Cage doesn’t lose his shit. Not even once. Let’s hope this trend continues. Face/Off: I get the feeling John Travolta was cast to make Nic Cage seem less crazy by comparison, much like how an uggo would use her uglier friend to appear attractive. Anywho, Face/Off introduced a fair number of bold ideas to the world of cinema, such as that brushing a person’s face with your fingers is an acceptable display of affection. This film seems to have a grudge against glass and things not exploding, as well as a strange affinity for doves. Still, the action is awesome. National Treasure: National Treasure is about a man (Nic Cage, duh) who tries to prevent the Declaration of Independence from being stolen, by stealing the Declaration of Independence. In retrospect, the plot doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but at least it’s somewhat entertaining. It’s like Ocean’s Eleven, except a lot dustier. Knowing: In Knowing, Nicolas Cage plays a crackpot scientist who stumbles across a list of dates on which tragedies will occur. But all you need to know about Knowing is that it has a scene in which Nic Cage yells at a plane crash survivor who’s on fire.

Kind of wish it was the other way around at this point. Stolen: Picture that the movie Taken starred Nicolas Cage instead of Liam Neeson. Now picture that Taken was a shitty movie. That’s pretty much what Stolen is. Vampire’s Kiss: If you had told me before I’d heard of Vampire’s Kiss that there’s a movie that features a man who shouts the alphabet at a woman, runs down the street screaming that he’s a vampire, and spends half the movie searching for a single contract, I wouldn’t have believed you. But I guess life is full of weird-ass surprises. The Wicker Man: Here’s how I imagine Nic Cage’s remake of The Wicker Man was conceived: Producer #1: “Hey, do you remember that 70s cult classic about a cop who looks for a missing girl on an island of pagans? It was called The Wicker Man.” Producer #2: “No.” Producer #1: “Well, let’s make a remake of it, starring Nic Cage. Except in this version of the movie, Nic Cage will go to an island full of evil women and he’ll punch a few of them. Also, at some point in the movie, Nic Cage’s head will be swarmed by hundreds of bees. It’ll be hilarious!” Producer #2: “Screw it, I’m not doing anything this weekend. Why not?” Ghost Rider: Can I please stop doing this now? This isn’t fun anymore. (Editor’s note: no one responded to him for 10 minutes and left him in the dark after the credits ran) OK, SERIOUSLY THIS IS BULLSHIT. LET ME OUT. We would like to thank this writer from the bottom of our editorial hearts for his remarkable courage and bravery. We’re currently working on getting him to review Rob Schneider movies next as soon as he recovers from his comatose state.

7.) UK Bookstore: Only a good job if you bring a flask to work and take a shot every time someone bitches at you about the price of their textbook. Two shots if you watch some kid shove said books into his backpack and try to casually walk out of the store before being tackled by Segway cops. 6.) Taco Bell: Even being located three miles from campus doesn’t stop students from piling in their cars on a rather intoxicated Thursday evening and moronically risk DUIs for uncontrollable diarrhea the next day. 5.) Big Cat Liquor: Whether it’s the freshman with the I.D. made out of construction paper, or the mature student hooking up his younger friends in hope of being “cool,” all you really want to do at work is pop open a cold Jager and tell your boss to suck it. One can only dream. 4.) Jimmy John’s: Be sure to pack the pepper spray and taser. State Street’s finest are always looking for a quick meal and buck. Also, you will be offered a hit off the bong rather than monetary compensation for your services. This part might not be so shitty… 3.) Target: White girls, white girls, white girls; the sea of black leggings and pastel long-sleeves. Just stay away from here unless you like being reminded how people spend what you consider your food budget for a month on decorations for their dorm room. 2.) Financial Aid Office: It’s obviously your only goal in life to screw with people’s financial aid, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Hope you like being screamed at. 1.) The Undergraduate Teaching Assistant: The only job where your friends can also be your students; it allows you to see how stupid they truly are. Why are we friends again? He always leaves bottles of tequila at my house…I’ll give him an A. Natalie Shofner wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT WAS THE LAST REGRETTABLE PURCHASE YOU MADE? Darion, Junior

“Magic: The Gathering trading cards.”

Jacob, Sophomore

“BDSM supplies.”

Danielle, Junior

“I have no regrets!”

AROUND CAMPUS PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE JOURNAL OF A

First-Time Nude Model Justin Sienkowski wrote this

We obtained the journal of sophomore Cody Wheeler, a nude model for the Uk School of Art and Visual Studies. In it, he describes his first experience baring it all for money. Friday, 8:45 a.m.: Screw this shit. It’s too damn early. Screw this alarm clock for waking me up. Who the hell does he think he is? This isn’t even worth the money, I should just go back to sleep. 9 a.m.: Shit, coffee is awesome. I’m not even tired. I should definitely go shave my pubes before I go do this, though. I mean, they never explicitly said in the interview that I needed to, but it’ll make my dick look bigger if it’s not hidden in a jungle of genital hair. 9:12 a.m.: Contemplated shaving the Wildcat paw into my pubes. Decided against it. Maybe another time. Now to the shower. 9:27 a.m.: Successfully abstained from

masturbating in the shower for the first time this week. Little Cody will be at full force for this shindig. 9:45 a.m.: Am now en route to the Fine Arts Building. When roommate asked where I was headed, I responded with “nowhere.” 10 a.m.: Got there and hit up the restroom before I entered the class. Not 100% sure that I wiped my ass sufficiently, but there’s no turning back now. Maybe these artsy folks are into that kind of thing anyway; it gives their drawings “character”. 10:02 a.m.: Instructor begins setting up the stage. Are the spotlights really necessary? I wouldn’t want anyone or anything getting stage fright now. 10:05 a.m.: Just removed all clothing. I accidently brushed my junk across a student’s backpack on the way to the stage; I guess you could say our sacks

touched. 10:12 a.m.: Was not anticipating how cold it would be in here. Instructor brings me a small portable heater and points it directly at my crotch. It was like he was trying to coax my wiener out like Grandma does when her cat won’t come out from under the bed. Also, can’t believe I just used “wiener” and “grandma” in the same sentence. 10:25 a.m.: Starting to settle in now. This is actually kind of nice; it gives me some quality time to contemplate some important things. Maybe it’s because I’m in the Thinker pose. 10: 26 a.m.: How are they not laughing when drawing the penis? I mean there’s nothing wrong with mine, but like come on, not even a smirk? This is why I could never be friends with an art major. 10: 34 a.m.: Do you think when an art

major’s friend passes out they draw a lifelike wang on their face? That would make MSU Party Stories profile pic for sure. I retract my previous statement; I need to befriend one of these guys. 10: 45 a.m.: They just made me change into some kind of power stance, and gave me a big wooden staff to hold. I am now a nude Moses parting the sea of future caricature artists. 10:55 a.m.: Seriously thinking about winking at that dime over in the corner. She has had her eyes on my prize the

entire time. I don’t know, still feels kinda creepy. 11:02 a.m.: Class just ended, and the clothes have been returned to my body. 11: 03 a.m.: This kid’s drawing is awful. There is no way my pecs are that small. I’ll flex throughout next time. 11:05 a.m.: Oh god, what are they doing? Why are they hanging them up in the hallway? Memo: Devise latenight break-in of the Fine Arts Building.

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Saturday

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Wed.

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Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM!

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AROUND CAMPUS

UK’s New Pokémon-Themed STD Prevention Backfires Student Tries to Catch Em’ All Jennifer Green wrote this

With the heavy influx of freshmen this year, Kentucky decided to place extra emphasis and importance on STD prevention and safe sex. After brainstorming different strategies to reach the students, the university board agreed on a campaign that they thought would best relate to everyone; Pokémon. President Eli Capilouto said of the new STD prevention plan, “What better way to reach the young people than with a beloved show and card game they grew up with? We’ve got things planned out for all the various creatures to get the young people pumped about the sensation-ruining experience that is safe sex and condom usage!” Although the university was confident in its ability to relate to students, they couldn’t possibly have imagined just how seriously students would take the Pokémon theme.

It became apparent just days after the STD prevention program began that it had backfired; students were literally trying to catch ‘em all. All the big dorms participated in the campaign by getting all of the RAs to decorate the halls with pictures of Pokémon cleverly renamed to be relevant to the issue. One banner in Blanding read, “Don’t be a Whorlax, use a condom.” Freshman Kyle Mahone told The Black Sheep, “As soon as I read Whorlax, I thought, ‘Wow, what a sweet-ass name. It’s like Snorlax, only new and evolved’ and like, honestly who wouldn’t want a cool nickname like Whorlax?” Surprisingly, many other students had the same mindset as Kyle and from that moment on, students in the dorms began competing to literally catch em’ all. Word got around campus quickly and

once students decided that it would be cool to catch ‘em all, the game was on. UHS set up emergency tents on campus in a last-ditch effort to stop these horny, competitive Pokémon masters. The efforts were ignored completely and the situation only grew worse. Students were hooking up nonstop. “We couldn’t keep the kids off each other.” Says University board member Bob Duchman. “The students were all up on each other like somebody had glued their naughty bits together. They didn’t even care if it was in their rooms or the middle of the Main Building, they’d just decide to start going at it. It was one of the most disturbing, erotic displays I’ve ever seen.” Some “more determined” students didn’t go to any classes because they

were too busy trying to bang every notoriously easy man or woman they could get their hands on. While STD rates skyrocketed among the majority of the student population, one student in particular has risen to a level seemingly unattainable. Senior and Pokémon master, Ian Smith, was the first to catch HerpegonasiphilAIDS. In essence, he did it; he caught em’ all. Since his diagnosis, Smith was given a gold-plated Pokéball by a group of admiring Pokémon amateurs. “It’s an hon-

or, really.” Smith told us, while itching some Pokéballs of his own. “Besides all the ointment, doctor bills, and the fact that it feels like I’m pissing fire anytime I have to go to the bathroom, this is the coolest thing that’s ever happened to me. I never thought in a million years that’d I’d be the most famous kid on campus, but look at me now! Everyone knows and loves me! The nurses even took pictures of me and told me that they were gonna use me as an example all across the nation. The nation, can you believe it?”

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: F*ck That Favorite Drink: Bourbon and Coke • Favorite Shot: Fireball • Disgusting Drink: White wine What’s next up after the Fireball craze dies down?: Hopefully nothing that has anything to do with whipped cream vodka. What’s the oddest thing you’ve ever had a drink out of?: A golf trophy… A third place golf trophy. Your least favorite swear word is?: I like all of the swear words. What sounds like a nickname for a penis, but isn’t a nickname for a penis?: Haha, um, pogo stick… or peacock. That Katy Perry song stuck with me. When were you most embarrassed to find yourself crying?: When we lost the national championship last year… I sobbed. My friends still watch the video and laugh. Hashtag sober.

ASHLEY of SKY BAR

To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom, five minutes.”?: Tom Hardy… for sure. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause it’s f*cking hilarious

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

SHOT FOR ARREST

YUM GUM

It’s a shame to let the recent surge of NFL scandals and player arrests go to waste. After all, it’s the illegal activity of the NFL that can bring football fans and people who watch football solely for the commercials together.

Have you ever been stuck in lecture and had the most terrible taste in your mouth but no gum? Only five minutes earlier, your hand accidentally slid over a piece of dried gum under your desk. You think to yourself, “That would work, but I bet it’s pretty stale by now.” Make that ABC gum turn into YUM gum with a few quick tricks:

What You’ll Need: A handle and corrupt NFL players. Good news: There’s an abundance of both! Number of Players: As many as you can fit in your living room to watch the game on Sunday afternoon. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be wishing football was outlawed in the United States. How to Play: Drink when: - A player’s actions make you want to hold your child tight. - A player’s crimes make you want to hold your partner tight. - TMZ says they have exclusive footage of wrongdoings that you should be repulsed by, but you stream during class anyway. - You wonder if football players keep football helmets in their cars now to show cops who they are when they get pulled over for drugs and alcohol. - A player spikes a football on the turf for a touchdown and you find yourself relieved that it’s not someone’s face. - USA Today creates a database of all the arrests of NFL players in the 2000s. (This actually exists.) - The names of football teams start to sound too domineering when you replace “-er” with “-her.” Examples: Raidhers, Steelhers, Packhers. The Game Ends When: Football season ends and you’re happy to see happy-go-lucky comradery during baseball season.

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What You’ll Need: Old gum stuck under a desk, stuck to the sidewalk, or stuck to some other stationary object in a public space, sprinkles, as well as regular and sour Skittles. Fatty Factor: Zero calories, unless you’re a gum swallower. In that case, you’re probably going to die from a clogged poophole, so you’ve got bigger problems, mister. Let’s Get Baked: - Steal a paint scraper from your apartment complex’s maintenance staff. - Scrape gum away from the desk/sidewalk/other public space without drawing attention to yourself. Scream that Chipotle is giving away free burrito bowls or moon everyone while you bend over to scrape the gum. - Massage the gum in your hands to make it soft. Pretend it’s old Playdoh; it feels and tastes the same Give it Some Flavor: - Add sprinkles if you want a crunch to help the gum seem chewier. - Regular and/or sour Skittles, depending on what the gum was stuck to. If it was under a desk, the gum probably sucked in a sweet, mahogany taste – regular Skittles will do just fine here. If it’s on the sidewalk and a bit more tart from dirt, sour Skittles are a better fit Never pay for gum again! Be green and reduce, reuse, rechew.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Many of us took A.P. exams in high school. It was an awful experience that we have only recently recovered from. But did anyone actually learn anything in these courses? And would you remember the material now if you had to take it again?

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS

With the use of Learnerator.com, I, a senior in college and member of The Black Sheep, will take a practice test for the A.P. U.S. History exam. I took this same exam five years ago as a junior in high school, so weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll see if my rapidly-deteriorating brain has retained anything.

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

MY EXPECTATION:

I won’t retain anything. I’ll come out of this test on top of my shield, having been devoured and impaled on a Draconian spike.

Keep in my mind: This A.P. exam is broken into two parts, but, as I do not have a certified A.P. grader with me, I will only be attempting the first part, which is 80 multiple choice questions with a time limit of 55 minutes. I assume high school students aren’t allowed to listen to music while they take their test, but that simply isn’t happening, as I would like for my sanity to remain intact. In 2013, in order to receive a 5 on this test, you needed to correctly answer 61% of the questions. I will be recording some of my thoughts as I go along.

15 Questions In: A poem! Are you fucking kidding me? This is supposed to be a history test. 22 Questions in: Who in the hell is Ida B. Wells?

Pre Test: I feel pretty good. I got a 5 on this test in high school and now I’m older and wis—well definitely older. Sure, I don’t really feel like I’ve learned much in college, and drinking supposedly kills tons of brain cells, but I can’t be dumber than the kids who lowered the curve to the point that a 61% merits a 5. Kids these days are so dumb. That’s probably why standardized tests keep getting easier every year. I’m a little bit nervous, but that’s normal before you take a test that has absolutely no bearing on your life at all. 5 Questions In: Disregard everything I said before. This is completely unfair. The high school kids who took this test had a whole year of the class to prepare for it and I haven’t taken a single U.S. History class in college. Plus, they have evolution on their side. How am I supposed to compete with these genetically engineered super-beings when I’m just a normal person? That’s like the first scene in Troy where Brad Pitt kills that huge guy, but instead of a huge guy, I’m just some dope.

33 Questions in: I’m close to halfway and I have answered, at most, five questions with confidence. I don’t know what happened. I used to be smart (sort of ). At the time I took this test, I was probably as smart as I’ll ever be. That was the high point of my life; the peak. It’s all downhill from here. Now I know how Alex Moran felt in that one episode of Blue Mountain State. What happened to me? Well, I started drinking much more heavily after high school. That can’t have helped. I guess doing the bare minimum to pass classes in college isn’t making me any smarter. 61% seems like it would be a miracle at this point. 37 Questions in: I quit. 50 Questions In: This is an absolute nightmare. I’m so stupid, it’s pathetic. I’m practically answering at random right now. I need to do a Billy Madison or something. Two weeks in each grade. Easy. He seemed to have a really good time with it. And if I could find a Veronica Vaughn for myself, my life would be perfect. That movie was awesome. I wonder what actor played the giant penguin. Do you think he mentions that at parties when he meets people and they ask him what he does? I’ll see if IMDb says anything about it. Shit, I have to get back to the test. I guess my knowledge of 19th century Supreme Court Cases has proven inadequate. 14 Questions In: This doesn’t even resemble the test I took five years ago. It’s all quotes from old, racist documents and equally racist maps. There hasn’t been any factual information at all yet. And why is there so much about Spanish settlement in Mexico and South America? That’s not even U.S. History! This test is a ruse to make me look dumb, and it’s working. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt any dumber than I do right now. Well, maybe that time I got caught trying to steal condoms because I was too embarrassed to buy them in high school. It was fine, though, I didn’t need them then, but I think I need one now because this test is buttfucking me.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED 80

52 Questions In: What am I thinking? That could never work. They would never let Billy Madison happen today. A grown man in an elementary school would never be allowed. The movie wouldn’t even work because everyone would assume he was a pedophile and ruin it. Add that to the list of things that pedophiles ruined for all of us, like being able to use the bathroom at an elementary school, or going to your little sister’s soccer game alone, or becoming an ice cream man. Assholes. Why doesn’t the ice cream man do business in college towns? I bet they’d make a killing. 76 Questions In: I can see it. The finish line. It’s waiting there for me…and it’s glorious. Now I know how Harold and Kumar felt when they finally got within four multiple-choice questions of White Castle, but I’m far less high. When I finish this exam, I’m going to call my girlfriend and tell her I love her. Well, I don’t have a girlfriend, but maybe I’ll tell some random girl I walk by that I love her. People love it when you do that.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED CORRECTLY 42

ACCURANCY % 52

THE RESULTS:

POST-TEST:

I answered 42 of the 80 questions correctly, falling 7 short of my goal of 61%. In a way, I was right; I am embarrassed to tell you my score. It almost makes up for the fact that I am a moron who peaked at 17. But yeah, the test was really difficult. I feel like I just got taken behind a shed and deloused. I always thought my seventh grade English teacher was wrong when she told me I was lazy and would never amount to anything, but it turns out she was spot on. Maybe I should call her and apologize for egging her house so many times. Maybe with enough therapy I can convince myself that it’s because of what she said that I ended up offering sexual favors in exchange for drugs, because that seems to be where I’m headed. I’m practically sprinting there.

I think I have ADD. Did you see how many times I got sidetracked? Maybe if I show this to a doctor, he’ll prescribe me Adderall. It’s like steroids, but for your brain. I can’t wait to start selling th… I mean taking them, so as to cure my horrible attention deficit disorder. Wow, the American education system has really let me down.

THE A.P. RE-TEST CHALLENGE

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do you know these cereal mascots? Do you know all 8 of these cereal mascots? Oh, really, you're so smart, huh? Well, email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!

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THE SCARY SSSSNAKES CROSSWORD Across: 1) Named after a common house pet, M’eow? 5) The Joakim Noah snake. 6) This snake is named after something smaller and squirmier; think bird food. 7) This one commands legions of loyal followers with its cool hood and venomous bite. 8) A bride-to-be may wear one of these bad boys on her leg. 9) Flex this big bad snake after you get pumped in the gym. 11) These snakes ain’t seein’ shit. 14) This rattler shares a symptom with many a stoner. 16) Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself after this snake.

4) Blue plus yellow and you have yourself this kind of snake. 5) A creatively-named snake with black stripes. 10) If this snake was a chess piece, it could move one space in any direction. 12) Pop on some feathers and wear one to the fanciest ball in town. 13) Kind of like slippers, but more Native-American, we suppose. 15) This snake shares a name with something found in the Great Barrier Reef. 17) We’re guessing this snake doesn’t do a body good.

Down: 2) Ice Cube and Jon Voight once starred in a move featuring this fearsome Amazon constrictor. 3) This snake loves one of them southern boils with tiny lobster cousins.

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@UKBLACKSHEEP Scan to go right to the page! 15

SIX DEGREES OF SEPERATION JAMES FRANCO

ROBIN WILLIAMS James Franco and Robin Williams (R.I.P.) are connected in - you guessed it - six degrees. Do you know how that’s possible? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

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