The Black Sheep
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Volume 1, Issue 3 • 1/24/13 - 1/30/13
an open letter to
Johnson Center Frequenters mary venuto wrote this
Dear Gym Rats, So we get it. You work out and you’re super fit. We see you looking like Sporty Spice when you walk across campus head to toe in your Nike gear. Your gym bag takes up most of the aisle when we’re trying to find a seat for class in Memorial Hall. Trust us -- you’ve made your presence clearly known. We all agree that someone on this campus has to step up and take care of their physical appearance. We also all agree that we’re glad it’s you and not us. But we’re starting to think that this might all be going to your head. Just because your newly-toned muscles are more defined doesn’t mean you’re more of a person than we are. And before you get all defensive on us, reach back and try to remember what it was like to be weak and flabby so you can see where we’re coming from. It’s mid-January, so that means everyone is still under the delusion that their New Year’s resolution to “exercise more” is actually going to be a permanent change in their college lifestyle. You made it impossible for us to not roll our eyes when we saw your Facebook status alerting everyone that you bench pressed 220 for the first time. You also claimed to have run three miles in 20 minutes -- we’re going to have to call shenanigans on that one. Don’t get too ahead of yourself. We’ve all ran half-way across campus to get to class on time before. That counts as cardio, too… douchebag. We’re proud of you for cutting carbohydrates out of your life. We agree that you two needed some space. However, all the pictures you post of your home-cooked meals on Instagram illustrate just how horrible of a diet the rest of us have. And as much as we all love receiving the play-by-play of all the new healthy choices you’re now making, do you ever stop to think that maybe we don’t appreciate constantly being reminded of how huge our asses are? We just want to point out that we don’t exploit your weaknesses by tweeting about that old half of a chocolate cake that served as our breakfast this morning. As supportive as we all are of your transformation, some of us are actually okay with all-night boozing and counting Subway as our daily-recommended vegetable intake. Your constant
Seriously Ladies, who really cares?
trying too hard to get a guy's attention? Stick to the basics.
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Twitter updates about all the weight you’re losing are really starting to harsh our mellow here. We wouldn’t have felt as guilty about eating our birth weight in grade-F Taco Bell burritos if we didn’t constantly keep hearing about how you’re wearing pants two sizes smaller. Now our collective sense of accomplishment has been quickly replaced with queasy shame. Thanks, guys.
cipline to have yourselves a little jog in this frigid 30-degree weather. What you don’t consider is the self-control needed in order to not trip you when we see you coming our way. So please, take it easy before we’re forced to call in Jillian Michaels to put you back in your place.
You’d like to think that you have more self-control than the average bear just because you now have the inexplicable dis-
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Yours truly,
Studying Abroad? Better Think Twice
bartender of the week
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page 11
It may seem like a good idea, but America is number one!
Ryan B. Campus Pub has learned the importance of listening to others.
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
page 4: A.B.I. Syndrome We at The Black Sheep have Ain’t Bout It syndrome, how about you?
page 5: The College Boy’s Guide to Hooking Up, Pt. III Learn how to use music, art and literature to your advantage.
page 5: Top 10 Things to do when you have the Flu
Table of
It could happen, so be prepared when it does!
page 6: from the streets What’s your favorite part about the Super Bowl?
pages 10: Dr. Fakelove, or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Fake Having a Girlfriend These simple steps are fail proof!
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Seriously Ladies, Who Really Cares? Nicole-Elizabeth Barnes wrote this
Chances are the list of things that girls deem important but guys totally don't care about is way too long to commit to paper. Every day new, ever-more ridiculous trends are being invented to distract the female species and convince her that she must conform, or else risk being socially exiled along with lepers and women who wear department store makeup. But rest assured ladies -- this will not happen to you (unless of course…you actually contract leprosy or wear Wal-Mart brand eyeliner). In reality, our menfolk tend not to care about -- or even notice -- half the stupid shit we do for them. So let’s re-examine some of these feminine fallacies then, shall we? Designer labels: We’ve have ever heard of a man giving a damn about the brand of a girl's purse. Nor have we heard a man say that giant, over-the-shoulder bags with big C's all over them are a major turn-on. Sooo sexy! We've also never noticed a man checking the bottom of a girl's shoe to see if she's wearing those exclusive red soles. You know as well as we do that the color of the bottom of your shoe is not going to make you instantly hot. So don't blow your student loans on shoes. You're in college, girl -- you're broke as it is. Just practice your sexy walk. They do notice that. Expensive manis and pedis: Obviously men will not be turned on if you make it in The Guinness Book of World Records for your brown nails that curl like some theme park slide... some horrible, terrifying theme park slide. One needs to be neat, but most men will not whip out a magnifying glass to look closely at each nail for exacting cuticle maintenance. Don't get us wrong, we strongly encourage taking care of your toes and claws; it is already an ugly world out there. But think about what you're paying for before you break the bank: paint that will surely begin to chip off in a matter of days and something you could have done your lazy-ass self had you not been living a sedentary lifestyle that’s now preventing you from being able to touch your own toes. Sacrificing your taste in good food: Ladies, go ahead and order the goddamned burger, or the steak, or the fries, or the bacon, or the bacon-wrapped steak fries. And don't forget the cheese. The fact that you’re alive, have color in your face, and don't have to wear an oddly-placed belt around your dress tells him that you haven’t spent your whole life eating purely salads. He knows
A.B.I. Syndrome uk staff wrote this
this. And if he's nice enough to take you somewhere that serves food other than salads, then be courteous enough to order something other than a salad. What could possibly be wrong with a girl who has good taste in food? Ordering a gravy-smothered hen is not going to scare him away. But thoughts of coming home to his refrigerator full of plants? If he asks to be excused to the restroom… he's not coming back. Sisters - just stop it! We don’t live in Laguna Beach, Beverly Hills, or any other place where people who wear off-brands is considered a major scandal. The camera may add ten pounds, but we’re not on camera. Eat real food. You’re a regular person! Sorry to break it to you, but no one is following you around taking pictures of you and asking you who you are wearing. This is reality. You wake your regular-ass up, take the regular ass way to school, and blend in with all the other regular-ass girls around you. No $500 bag is going to turn a guy's head. Remember: legs, butts, boobs! These are the things men notice. It's time we get back to basics, ladies.
Headphones in, pony tail up, yoga pants slapped on and you’re off to the Johnson Center. It’s a new year and you swore on everything you hold dear that you were going to get so toned you could drop your economics major and become Beyoncé’s body double. Or maybe this was the year you’ve resolved to transform your John Belushi lard-ass into Jason Statham sexiness. And yet, just like every other resolution of New Year’s past…you didn’t quite factor in just how much effort goes into a body like that. They just sweat sex appeal and shit on your little ambitions while you, on the other hand, pump out twenty sit-ups then check for abs, expecting instant gratification. No rockhard physique? Screw it, working-out’s for tools anyway. Be careful, though -- if this describes how you’re thinking, you might have what The Black Sheep calls “Ain’t ‘Bout It” syndrome. “Ain’t ‘Bout It” syndrome is far worse than procrastination. With mere procrastination, you’ll get around to whatever it is you planned on doing…eventually. But when you’ve been struck down with “Ain’t ‘Bout It” syndrome not only do you shy away from the hard work of making yourself more attractive, you actively begin creating a false cognitive reality where you’re already a sex-idol demigod, real-life be damned. Physical activity? Charm? Basic conversation skills? Screw that. It’s all way too much hard work. And you just…ain’t about that shit. Let’s look at a case study. Here’s a classic example: Say there’s a girl in your psychology class that you desperately want to horizontally bop. You know her name, her class schedule, and what dorm she lives in. Is this stalking? Possibly. But if people could see how her left butt cheek jiggles more than her right when she walks then they’d probably be all over her too, so whatever. Your friends know all about her and are beyond tired of hearing about your wet dreams featuring a girl
you can’t work up the nerve to talk to. But they don’t know that today’s the day. You put on your roommate’s brand new pair of Levi jeans (Oh… my beers drank themselves? Payback’s a bitch, roomie), you’ve brushed your teeth for once, and you put on that polo your mom says “brings out your eyes.” And after casually admiring her from afar all of last semester you’re finally going to game this broad. Bell rings. Class lets out. She’s about to pass your desk… this is it. You’re a pimp. A boss. On your way to class that day you got pumped-up to Biggie Smalls in the hopes that maybe some of his swag would somehow seep into you. And you don’t have a goddamn thing worth saying to her. She just walks on by. And you drag yourself back to your dorm alone just like always. Sure, you got all worked up to spit some mad game. But you didn’t really put in the hours of gym time to impress her, did you? Hell, did you even bother to shower today? Most kids would chalk it up as a loss; you didn’t prepare, and now you’ve got to accept your defeat. But not you. You, sir, are not about that life. It’s not you, it’s her. You’re already an irresistible hot mess of Beyoncé and Jason Statham rolled into one, right? If she doesn’t see you and immediately throw out those digits then she’s the loser. Working out? Social skills? Personal hygiene? All bullshit - if that’s what it takes to score chicks…or even just interact with other humans, then it’s not worth your time. And there you go - a classic case of “Ain’t ‘Bout it” syndrome. Fortunately for you, The Black Sheep is not only full of sexy-awesome writers, but it’s also full of students who aren’t licensed to diagnose people with any kind of disease, but do it anyway. Consider this one pro bono.
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The College Boy’s Guide to Hooking Up, Pt. III G. Jordan Johnson wrote this
The
Top 10
page 5
Things to Do When You Have The Flu
Ah, what dreadful woe! This printing will conclude my series on reversing your shameful lack of game and I’ll move on to other subjects like archery, beard strengthening, and cloning. But fear not, young padawan. You have come far in your quest for nature’s most sacred and beautiful art: successfully pursuing women. Now, for one final lesson in the art of swag. At the beginning of this series you were little more than a chronic masturbator. Following these final bits of advice, however, and you’ll be a mildly interesting, potentially above-average person to be around. More important still, you’ll have greater sex appeal than your pathetic former self.
Just when you thought that hangover you had last week after a rough night of partying was bad, the flu sneaks up and Jackie Chans your ass into next week. We hear it from just about everyone; our moms, our professors, our managers…“Wash your hands with soap and water. You don’t want to catch the flu!” It’s a shame we didn’t Lysol and disinfect every square inch of our living spaces, because now it’s bed rest until we can actually get up without vomiting everywhere.
Thus far we’ve covered improving your presentation, best practices while in the field, and a few tips on successfully engaging in a parlay with a pretty lady. The following bits of culture and class will give you more to expand upon and a little something to amplify your ethos. Being a worldly gentleman is an art, so use these cultural suggestions as a basis for your final transformation from asshat college bum to top hat gentleman.
unfair and obscene amount of reading. But getting away from your class reading and picking up some leisurely reads is a great way to improve cognition, cover some literary basics, and at least recall some romantic passages to woo a ladyfriend.
10.) Become familiar with your new best friend…soup: Chicken noodle soup with a Coke on the side. If you ain’t got any, then be sure to hit up Kroger and BOGO like your life depends on it. Not only is this one of the only things you’ll be able to keep down, but it’s useless eating other foods; your lack of taste buds will just make them taste like paper, anyway.
For classic, established political satire, read Voltaire’s Candide. For more the philosophical-minded try Thus Spake Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche or Martin Heidegger’s Being and Time.
9.) Load up on the vitamin C: No need to waste booze money on a real doctor, they all give the same advice, anyway: Lots of vitamin C, plenty of sleep, and some Advil to keep your temperature down. Even though you’re sick, vitamin C goes great with vodka, so mix up those screwdrivers and you’ll start feeling better in no time.
Classic American literature also merits a read. Look into William Faulkner – either The Sound and the Fury or Absalom, Absalom! There’s A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams. And of course for contemporary works, see On the Road by Jack Kerouac or almost anything by the modern drunkturned-poet Charles Bukowski.
8.) Make your bed into a fort of pillows and blankets: Let’s face it, we’re all kids at heart. What better way to stay in bed than to build a ginormous fort that protects you from the cruel world just outside your door? This is a great way to get in touch with your inner self, and to really remember what it’s like to be a careless kid whose only worry is what to bring for show-and-tell.
Music: Nothing is more disdainful than a person with horrible taste in music. Here, it’s black and white. Good music is good and bad is bad. Your opinion is irrelevant. Stop listening to bad music. Here are 5 recommendations from 5 genres Hip Hop/Rap: Earl Sweatshirt, Jedi Mind Tricks, Aesop Rock, Childish Gambino, Immortal Technique Rock: The National, Thrice, Closure in Moscow, Pentimento, Hot Water Music Electronic: Ou Est Le Swimming Pool, oOoOO, Glass Teeth, Purity Ring, Baths Alternative: Arcade Fire, The Head and The Heart, Beach House, Band Gang, Twin Shadow Folk: The Weepies, First Aid Kit, Jose Gonzalez, The Snake The Cross The Crown, Dark Mean Art: It’d be nice to assume that your right cerebral hemisphere is at least as active as the left, but you’re probably some boring schmuck who couldn’t possibly comprehend the relevance of art. Turn off the T.V. and delve into a more active form of art. Here’s a shaky list for beginners. Begin with the impressionists: Édouard Manet, Claude Monet and Pierre-Auguste Renoir. For more modern impressionists, learn the les Fauves- Henri Matisse, Henri Rousseau, and Kees von Dongen. And of course after all that comes your post-impressionists: Vincent Van Gogh, Paul Gauguin, and Georges Seurat. Study up buddy, you’re a connoisseur now. Being able to reference Monet’s “Blue Period” will have ladies thinking you are dark and mysterious. Beyond that, you have your more revolutionary artists. There’s the cubists - Georges Braque, Pablo Picasso, and Henri Le Fauconnier. Following World Wars you need to know your modernists, like Georgia O’Keefe, Jackson Pollock, and Mark Rothko. For good measure, check out your Dadaists: Marcel Duchamp, Hannah Höch, and Alfred Stieglitz. If you need encouragement, most of Georgia O’Keefe’s work looks like flowery vaginas. And of course for you stoners, get to know to some Surrealists outside of Salvador Dal; try Giorgio de Chirico, Max Ernst or Valentine Hugo to expand your horizons, or just to stare at whilst on mushrooms. Study up brah, and watch as you get less and less boring! Just don’t turn into a pretentious art history dick. We already have enough of those here at UK. Literature: Getting an education necessitates an
Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness was a typical High School assignment, and for good reason. Being and Nothingness by Jean-Paul Sartre is also a good read to expand one’s horizons. And for the truly bold bookworms, James Joyce’s Ulysses provides a treasured yet utterly unreadable classic. Tackling any of these books in public is sure to spark the fancy of a like-minded lass, leading to conversation, which ultimately leads to sex times. Huzzah! Thank you James Joyce! Film: Hollywood tends to pander to America’s dumbest. They’re handing out trilogies like scotch in a brothel. It’s an insult to the art and half the manuscripts that make it to the big screen should have been repurposed as toilet paper. Together we can stop the production of terrible films- stop going to see them. Watch these instead: La Haine, The Fountain, 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Royal Tenenbaums, Amelie, Night Watch, Day Watch, City of God, The Deer Hunter, Coffee and Cigarettes, Drive, Sideways, Wristcutters, A Single Man, and The Maltese Falcon. Rejoice, my pupils! Draw upon these offerings of music, art, literature, and film so that you too may have the appeal of a learned man. Bringing a touch of culture and civility into your day-to-day makes you that much more charming and fascinating. The overall goal is to better yourself. This isn’t a game and women are not objects for your consumption. Hooking up in college is a consensual effort to be enjoyed by both parties. Improve yourself for the benefit of others, not for racking up tally marks on your bedpost. Become a new man for the benefit of your future (one-time) lovers. Learn to appreciate the race and live a little in between. Get cleaned up, get out there, and follow through champ. Your fair damsel awaits.
7.) Watch every reality show there is: Okay, so we all say we don’t watch those ridiculous reality shows like Jersey Shore or Real Housewives, but deep down inside it’s really our secret pleasure. What better way to feel better about yourself than to watch morons fighting over who took a crap in the toilet and didn’t flush it? 6.) Catch up on some Facebook creepin’: Facebook creeping is a daily task that many of us don’t even realize we’re doing. One day, someone will be talking about their new puppy, and you realize the only reason you know they have a new puppy is because you Facebook stalked the shit out of their page the night before. It gets tough keeping up with everyone and all of their drama when you have homework to do, but now that you’re quarantined to your germy room, it’s a great time to get the latest dirt on all those friends you love to hate. 5.) Cough all over everything: Hey, look at it as if you’re doing the world a favor. Now that you’re infecting everyone with your germs, they don’t have to waste money on a flu shot or living in fear of becoming the flu’s next victim. It’s common courtesy to cover your mouth, but why bother when someone infected you by doing just that in the first place? Who said anything about being considerate? It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and we’re just living in it. 4.) Use “I have the flu” as an excuse for everything: You have to admit, having the flu is a great excuse for just about anything; going to class, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, spending time with your significant other, even going to work. For the most part, it’s a great excuse to get out of shit you don’t want to do. 3.) Watch YouTube videos of cats: Seriously, who doesn’t like watching cats do funny stuff? Their just so stinking cute when they chase around pink ribbon or run chase a dog into a sliding glass door. These videos are easy to find and great to post on other’s Facebook walls, showcasing your major obsession with all things cats. 2.) Overdose on NyQuil: Lil Wayne’s on that purple drank, why aren’t you? No, but really, the best way to forget you’re sick is to pretend like your partying hard and take as many shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, (errrrrrbody) of NyQuil that you can. The best part is that you sleep through the night and have awesome dreams of flying high through the sky on a broom with Harry Potter in a Quidditch tournament. 1.) Use these days not as sick days, but vacation days: The start of the new semester is always the worst, and as the pile of homework keeps getting bigger, we dream about the white beaches and spring break hookups in March. The flu could be looked at in two ways: sick days or vacation days. We say, welcome to Spring break part 1! Don’t mope around and complain about being sick. Look at the flu as a great time to catch up on some much needed sleep before midterms, and an even better way to skip classes due to “not wanting to infect people.”
nicole germany wrote this
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Studying Abroad? Better Think Twice Leo Weisberger wrote this Being that we’re only a few weeks into spring semester, you and your new professor are still in the honeymoon stage of your blossoming relationship. You’re still going over class rules, listening to an oral recitation of his research career and getting those classic bits on unsolicited life advice from someone who’s never left academia. Or maybe you’re about to graduate and previously unknown relatives are suddenly coming out of the woodwork to offer you suggestions on what to do before you turn your bogus liberal arts degree into a middle-management marketing career. Either way, you’re probably going to be on the receiving end of a bunch of ridiculous advice from adults with lingering regrets about their wasted youth. And at some point, you’re bound to hear some formulation of this little gem: You need to travel. You need to experience the world. Why not study abroad in Paris? Or how about backpacking through the Alps? You just absolutely have to see Europe before you settle down. Stop. Don’t let yourself be fooled -- it’s total bullshit. This fantasy of cultural and personal enlightenment is a farce created by money-hungry student-loan sharks and perpetuated by adults who wish they did more before they got caught up in their jobs and having you. Sure it sounds fun, between the dreams of hooking up with French chicks and the THC wonders of Amsterdam, taking on massive debt to get wasted on London Bridge sounds perfect. But if you really think about it, the quintessential college ramble across Europe could be the worst decision you can possibly make. First of all, Europeans are goddamn insane. Remember how the whole nation got their panties in a wad when we flipped a
few lousy cars during the NCAA tournament last year? Europeans flip their shit and riot after every single one of their stupid soccer games. Plus Europeans are crazy racist. Whereas we just re-elected our first African American president, France just kicked out all of their gypsies. Switzerland has a nationwide law banning Muslims from building traditional minarets on their mosques, something that might not strike us here as silly until we consider the 2.5 billion church bells around campus that remind us that we’re late for class. And didn’t Bosnia a have little ethnic cleansing problem just a few years ago? We’ll take a pass on that cultural enlightenment, thank you. Moreover, Europeans hate us Yankees, and we all know how awkward it is to be chilling at a party where you’re uninvited. They think we’re fat, stupid, lazy, uncultured, and arrogant. We start wars and have massive debt. And you know what? Fine -- all true. But after saving Europe from Hitler, pumping untold millions into NATO spending and defeating communism, Europeans are hardly in a goddamn position to judge us. Screw the condescending speeches - if they really had something against us then tourists wouldn’t be flocking to Disneyland Paris and fetishizing McDonalds. When you think about it, what is it we’re really missing out on anyway? France might have the Louvre, but Google Images has all the stupid Rembrandt you could ask for. Amsterdam is a waste of time, it’s only a day’s drive till you can legally get high in Colorado. And sure, Germany is the home of the world’s largest Oktoberfest drink-a-thon. But did you that the world’s second largest Oktoberfest is just an hour away in Cincinnati? Do yourself the favor; if you want to become “cultured” just pool $20 among your friends and get hammered
in the frozen wastelands of southwestern Ohio. You’ll save a few grand, make it back to Lexington before class Monday morning, and be spared the tedious lectures on consumerism and American decline. Who even wants to go to Germany anyway? Just a bunch of sausage and Nazis, if you ask us. We’ve been accused of being many things - low-brow smutpeddlers, immature college pranksters, perverse sexual deviants, but never unpatriotic. Our founding fathers left the Old World for a good reason, and here at The Black Sheep we know that you don’t have to take out another ten grand in student loans to experience the best the world has to offer.
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Dr. Fakelove, or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Fake Having a Girlfriend black sheep staff wrote this So, life has you down? Classes a grind? Depressed because you can’t figure out where Jamba Juice is located? It’s going to be okay, if only your friends would stop asking you when you’re going to get a girlfriend or boyfriend! Maybe you don’t want one -- you’re a big beautiful truck who don’t need no man. But shit, people are really persistent when it comes to this sort of thing. They start to ask questions, like, “Why did you get two burritos if you’re just going home alone?” (that question answers itself, doesn’t it?) or, “Do you do anything besides run a Madden franchise and write comedy articles?” (the Dolphins aren’t going to lead themselves out of mediocrity). Well, enough is enough. The Black Sheep has dug through the middle school playbook and found the perfect solution: you’re going to invent a signifcant other. “But The Black Sheep,” you begin. Let us interject; it’s Dr. The Black Sheep. We did not get our doctorate in comedy to be addressed as “The Black Sheep.” “But Dr. The Black Sheep, isn’t it dangerous to have a fake boo? Notre Dame just had a big scandal with Manti Te’o!” To that we say, eh, maybe. The thing you have to keep in mind is that you’re not a star linebacker at the largest football program in the country. You are not a blip on anyone’s radar. If the world were UK, your significance as an individual would be about equal to those fliers for dubstep shows that get passed around on campus. Plus, we’re not going to make the mistakes that those Fighting Irish scrubs did. First, no high profile schools for your fake ladyfriend or boytoy. Stanford? Easily verified, has a significant alumni pool, maybe overly ambitious (seriously, you’re you, why would anyone who got into a good school want to be your internet date?). Nothing doing there, shoot for something more obscure, but believable. It should be reasonably far away to explain why they don’t visit, intriguing enough to spin a story around, and common enough to where people don’t poke around too much. For the sake of this article, let’s pretend your fake hook-up goes to… Wyoming. It helps to know about the university that you’re pretending to date someone
from, so Wyoming’s mascot is the Cowboys, it’s located in Laramie, and Dick Cheney went to school there. This should be enough to keep anyone from thinking it’s just something that you made up. “Your girlfriend goes to Wyoming?” “Yep, she’s a big Cowboys fan and Dick Cheney went there!” “Fair enough, I totally believe she exists!” *high five*. Second, no fake social media accounts. One, you’d have to interact with it, which is just depressing. It’s the technological equivalent of practicing kissing with your pillow (Ed. note: As the staff consists solely of sexhavers, we cannot confirm whether or not people still kiss their pillows). Two, it leads to questions: “Why did this social media account just come into existence? Why don’t they have a lot of friends? Why are all of their profile pics airbrushed or just stock images of flowers?” Remember, you created a fake girlfriend or boyfriend to avoid answering questions about your personal life; the last thing you want to do is talk about someone else’s life, especially when they don’t exist in the first place. If anyone questions why the ethereal hookup has no social media presence, explain that they’re pretty much the biggest hipster you know, which is why they’re going to Wyoming. It’s ironic. Keep everything simple and you won’t have to juggle lies. Third, have an exit strategy. You can milk the long-distance-fake-partner for about three months, but then you gotta ditch that fake bitch. You’ll be given about a month of grieving time after that by the people around you. You won’t actually be sad, but fake it. It’ll make the whole thing believable, and people like to feel like they’ve given you some sort of unconditional support. You may wonder, “Why three months?” Well, that’s about the time you’ll have before people start asking, “So when is he/she going to visit?” Tell people you have Skype dates to keep in touch, and use this time to take up a hobby, like woodworking, or ball handling (in hopes of walking onto the Wildcats next season) (Ed. note: It’s much easier to walk on as a shooter than a point guard, everyone needs a guy who can stand in the corner and make threes). Eventu-
ally, what you’re going to want to do is have one of these Skype dates “go wrong” (do not practice your hobby that night, you don’t want to explain to people why you have a whittling kit out in your apartment) and then call a friend, distraught over your long-distance relationship. Your friend may smugly reassure you that it was a bad idea to ever get involved with someone over the internet, especially long distance; this is good, because they will be too busy patting themselves on the back to examine anything too closely. If it all goes smoothly, people might even recognize that yes, you are a human being capable of having human feelings for another human, and therefore not feel the need to worry about your sex life! Sure, it might seem like a lot of work for a few months without people bugging you about your significant other, but you can’t put a price on peace of mind.
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bartender of the week ryan b. campus pub Hometown: Lexington, KY Nickname: Bowers, everyone calls me by my last name. Life lessons learned at the bar: Be willing to listen to people. Is bartending difficult: There are times when it is, but mostly it's just fun. What is your favorite part about bartending: Ensuring people have a good time.
What is the worst thing you've ever seen at the bar: People getting sick on themselves or others. What is your favorite drink to make: We make the best Bloody Marys in town, so that definitely. What drink do you order at the bar: I have my drink down - rum and Coke or Bud Select, either one with a Jaeger bomb.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Tits and beer! Can you think of a better combination? This game will now give you an excuse to check out some boobs without having to worry about looking like a creep, all while getting drunk. Sounds like a win-win to us.
You might hear a lot of talk about chips being drunk food, but that does not have to be the case. With a little ingenuity and elbow-grease, chips can be utilized to create a cheap and delicious main course for any drunken occasion.
tits
What You’ll Need: 13 cups, beer pong table, 2 ping pong balls Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: Depends on the size of your tits, and how well you can use them. How to Play: - Divide the players up into two teams of two players. - Each team sets up on either with players on opposite corners of the table. For example, Team A would have one player on the right near corner of the table, and one player on the far left corner of the table. - In front of each player is a three-cup pyramid. Place a cup filled with beer in the center of the table. - In order to sink a cup, a team member must bounce the ball once on the table, bounce off the tits or chest of the other teammate, and fall in one of the three cups. - When this happens the opponent on the same side must drink the sunk cup and “flip cup” it before s/he may shoot again. - When a team no longer has any of their opponents’ cups in front of them, they may shoot for the middle cup. - A team can only win when they double bounce the ping pong ball into the middle cup. - The losing team then has to drink the final cup. Next time you’re with some girls or guys and you want an excuse to check out or be checked out, this game is a winner! Just make sure to compliment the girl on her skills; girls love the compliment.
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Chip Explosion
What You’ll Need: Chips of many kind, cheese, sour cream, beef, and anything else you would like to add. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you include Cool Ranch Doritos or not. Directions: - Begin by cooking up some beef on the stove. You can use any meat you want, but we’ll go with beef. “B” is for beginners. - While the beef is cooking, take all of your different kinds of chips and place them into a bowl. - Sprinkle cheese onto the chips and place it in the microwave for 2 minutes. - After ensuring that the cheese is melted, pour the beef into the bowl and add sour cream. - Add any other food you want into your very own chip casserole. The secret to making this dish extra good is to buy as many different kinds of chips as possible. With Martin Luther King, Jr. Day just behind us, remember that diversity is the key!
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passing the bar If you're too cool for Keystone or stopped bonging Busch Lights months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank beer labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.
we interview:
bear in heaven
Brooklyn-based band Bear in Heaven has a sound that you can't quite put your finger on. A bit of rock and a bit of electronic noise with a psychedelic undertone gives these guys a totally unique sound. Their music might not be so easily definable, but when we got to chat with head honcho Jon Philpot, it was clear that cool dudes make cool music. We go to chat with Philpot about a whole range of things, from the meaning of the band name to ridin' jet skis. You know it's a good chat when jet skiing comes up. The Black Sheep: How'd you get started playing music? Jon Philpot: I went to college and bought a guitar and basically it just went from there, I just kept playing music. I didn't know what I was doing, and then I started making noise music and trance, and then went into more normal music. I played piano when I was a little kid but I hated it. I hate piano lessons, like having to learn something. Kids were outside playing and you were inside trying to play this stupid song that you didn't like. TBS: You never get to play cool songs during piano lessons. JP: Yeah! I wanted to learn, like, Prince songs, or something like that. TBS: Where'd you grow up? JP: I grew up in Marietta, Georgia. It was good, it was peaceful. There were trees and creeks and dirt bike jumps and that kind of shit. But living there, you hit a wall, and you want to be a punk-rock kid and you just look like an idiot because you're out in the sticks. TBS: Did growing up Georgia have any influence on the music you play now? JP: Oh, definitely. There was a lot of strange, one-thing-leads-to-another kind of situations. I had an internship with this record label called Table of Elements, this minimal, experimental label. They specialized in early minimalism, just some freaking-ass art. For some unknown reason to me, they moved their offices to Georgia. I thought it'd be a good idea to intern at this record label, and I learned a great deal about not just art music, but art itself, from these folks, and that kind of set my sail in that direction. It was eye opening, and I think if I lived somewhere else where there was a multitude of options instead of just this one, weird group of people, then I would've done something else. TBS: Is there an explanation behind the name Bear in Heaven? JP: There's a constellation with a bear in it, and there's also the philosophy that everything that you do and everything you take here on Earth is what you'll bear in heaven. TBS: Could you compare Bear in Heaven to any other bands? JP: Comparing is a hard one. I'm not even going to toot my own horn, and to say that we're "unique" is out of naivety. We approach music in sort of a non-standard way. Our music starts in many different ways, but the one thing we've always done is made sure that we're not doing anything that sounds like something that's happening, we try to stay away from that. We steer clear of the pop music form, but we're sort of opening our doors up to all different forms. TBS: Is there a story behind your latest album title, I Love You, It's Cool? It seems kind of sad, or something. JP: It's a little loaded, that one. It embodies a lot of emotions that were happening with us at that time. It was oddly given to us by one of our ex-bandmates, he wrote these notes and he wrote one to me, and hid it underneath some of my gear. It said "Dear Jon, I love you, it's cool." The reality of it that there's this kind of double meaning, you can sense the lament but also the actual positivity that I think all of us were feeling at that time. It's nice, it's a nice sentiment. TBS: If you weren't making music for a living, what do you think you'd be doing? JP: Editing television and film, that's what I do now when I'm not making music, so I'd just be doing a lot more of that. If I wasn't doing that, I'd probably be chillin', maybe boating? Maybe some jet skis? I'd be doing that. TBS: Would you rather: Michelle Obama or Sarah Palin? TBS: Michelle Obama. Well, depends what the spin on it is. If it was go hunting, I'd say Sarah Palin. If it was to have a party, I'd invite Michelle Obama. TBS: Who would you rather go jet skiing with? JP: Can I pick both of them? Sandwiched in-between them? That'd be amazing. TBS: What's your spirit animal? JP: I'd say a dog. An American mutt, you know? A cross between a beagle and a golden retriever, like a fast frisbee dog. TBS: What your drink of choice? JP: Mescal.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
winter x games January 24th - 27th on ESPN
The winter X Games are upon us once again, starting Thursday afternoon and lasting through Sunday night. Indulge in insane winter sports like men's and women's superpipe or big air. If you have the luxury of a 3D TV, prepare to have your mind blown watching athletes flip around in your face.
movie 43 out January 25th
A series of 12 short films follow three kids as they scour the wild wild west that is the internet to find the most banned, offensive movie in the world. This film stars one of the biggest ensemble casts ever, from Kate Winslet to Richard Gere and every level of celebrity in between. Let's hope the plot doesn't rely too heavily on that.
local natives - hummingbird out January 27th
It's about damn time the geniuses in Local Natives released another studio album, their second, Hummingbird. After coming off an impressive debut album from early 2010, these guys don't seem to stray much from their heartfelt sound of folk-rock in their latest album. Check out their singles "Heavy Feet" and "Breakers."
can you
spot the difference?
Well, geesh, can you? Send us the seven differences you found to differences@ theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.
the crossword: Games Across 3) Can you really kill someone with a candlestick? 4) You get five of a kind and you yell this. 7) Normally played on a board that comes in a
faux-suitcase. 8) A jumbo-sized one can be found in bars. 11) A letter gets picked, then you go to town. 13) Learn how to be a greedy businessman. 14) A card game sometimes known as the legal drinking age. 17) Do they wear glasses? 18) If you’re good at lying, you’re great at this. 19) Classic computer card game, played solo. 20) If you suck at drawing you probably hate this game. Down 1) You’re a dick if you play a 3-letter word.
2) Try to get three of a kind, or three in a row. 5) “Hey, what’s trump again?” 6) It’s a game where you describe things without saying what it is! Everyone gets super loud! 9) Way more exciting than real fishing. 10) A type of poker game from this state, y’all. 12) Uses a particular set of cards, all colorful and stuff. 14) Also a terrible movie featuring Rihanna. 15) King me! 16) The ultimate strategy game (for nerds). 18) Every grandma plays this card game.
Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Manager David Smith, Jeff Dyas
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Shauntionne Mosley
Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon Social media manager Olivia McCoy
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608.712.0900
find us at... Bourbon & Toulouse Campus Pub Cosmic Charlies Hugh Jass Paddoc Pazzo's Smashburger Starbucks T-Bar The Lex Tin Roof Tolly Ho Two Keys Fusion Tanning Graters Ice Cream Jimmy Johns Madmushroom Pizza
McAlister's Deli Mellow Mushroom Raising Canes Red Mile Slice of Chicago OffThaHookah Arbys CD Central Goldstar Chili Jamba Juice Kennedy's Textbooks King Tut's Mediterranean The Paddock Bar Ramseys Shenanigans Prince Hookah
Lounge The Local Taco Wildcat Textbooks Business Restocking Newtown Crossing Royal Lexington University Lofts Red Mile 524 & 525 The LEX The Collegiate Campus Court University Village Park Hill Greek Houses! On Campus Building! SO MUCH MORE!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Best Man: - Chris Brown - Christopher Columbus - Chris Christie - Chris Carrabba
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
MAID OF HONOR: - Kirstie Alley - Kristen Wiig - Kristen Stewart - Kristin Cavallari Got Engaged At: - Taco Bell drive-thru - Applebee’s entryway - Arby’s bathroom - Dave and Buster’s air hockey table
How to play
Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Rev Run - Lady Gaga - Kevin Smith - Fran Drescher
Regrettable Matching Tattoo: - Lower back unicorn - Spiral staircase around thigh - Cheeseburger on back of neck - Mariah Carey’s face on wrist
First Dance Song: - “A Milli” by Lil Wayne - “Sex, Love & Money” by Mos Def - “Bitches” by Odd Future - “Paranoid Android” by Radiohead
career path: - Porn-star turn yoga instructor - Bartender turn florist - Organic cauliflower farmer turn prisoner of war - Writer turn welfare collector
Honeymoon Hot Spot: - Boca Raton timeshare - Basement of Grandma’s house - Gatlinburg, Tennessee - Grand Canyon motel
Greatest Life Accomplishment: - Meeting Honey Boo Boo - Bench-pressing 150lbs - Growing the world’s largest pumpkin - Never getting arrested
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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