The Black Sheep
FR GET EE...L WA IKE T LKI NG HE WO TO T RK HE OUT 3RD YO FLO U OR.
Vol. 3, Issue 3
1/30/14 - 2/5/14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
EXCLUSIVE TELL ALL:
“MY STEAMY NIGHT WITH SCRATCH” BY: TAYLOR CARDEN One in three Americans indulges in sexual fantasies involving furry mascot suits. One of these Americans is Brittany Shan, the lucky Wildcat fan who got the chance to act out her desires on a chilly night here in Lexington… with Scratch. “He was leaving Rupp Arena the night of the UK-Ole Miss game,” says Shan, “When I caught him purring and swiping his claws at me in the parking lot. Something about that big, furry face drew me in. I wanted him right there, right then.” Shan said Scratch came on to her, and the two went out for a drink at the world famous Two Keys Tavern. “He didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to. Something about the way he moves, those giant paws . . . It wasn’t long until I had him pinned up against the bathroom stall in Two Keys with my mouth wrapped around his velvety nose.” According to Shan, it was “the hottest, furriest night” of her life, and that she’d been dreaming about the day she would be able to get her hands on the fuzzy, oversized cat. In fact, Shan wanted The Black Sheep to clarify that she had no interest in hooking up with the man inside the Scratch suit, and even seemed confused at the though: “What suit?” she asked, “What do you mean there’s a guy inside of Scratch? The only time ‘Scratch’ and ‘inside’ should be in
the same sentence is when you’re talking about Scratch being inside me.” According the Shan, the two hit a couple downtown bars together, where they were seen by several students and other UK fans. David Lee Brown, a recent UK alum, was sipping a lager at Molly Brooke’s when he saw the pair stumble in. “They were all over each other,” he reported, “it was a tangle of paws and blue. There was this tiny brunette and this giant wildcat mascot, and… and I’d never seen so much groping in my life.” According to Brown, the pair did not stay in the bar very long before disappearing. “I was glad to see them go… I’m not sure if it was like, a gag or something. Scratch is above that, right? Yeah. He’s a good cat,” Brown said, with tears of shame forming in his eyes. Shan explained how she invited Scratch back to her apartment at the Lex, and that the two enjoyed “a long, soggy shower” followed by “a night of totally doing it… wildcat style.” During the interview, Shan kept rubbing her knees and elbows in an obvious fashion. Upon questioning, she said that she had severe Scratch-burn, “which is like carpet burn, but, ya know, from Scratch’s fuzzy texture. A lot of friction took place.” She then went on to wink, and say that Scratch gave her boo boo’s kisses before he left that following morning.
PAGE 4
We contacted Scratch for his take on this steamy night of passion with Brittany Shan, but he immediately hissed and hung up the phone. According to Shan, Scratch hasn’t called or texted her since that night, despite her
assertive attempts to reach him. “He, like, won’t return my texts. And I Snapchat him all the time, and he opens them, but doesn’t reply. And I’ve sent him some sexy pictures, like me with my Wildcat stuffed animals down my pants.”
PAGE 7
CAPILUTO TO OUTSOURCE THE REMAINING PARKING IN K-LOT
AS IF FINDING PARKING WASN’T DIFFICULT ENOUGH…
TOLLY-HO AFTER DARK WHO NEEDS K-LAIR WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A HO BURGER?
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When asked if her night was a one-night stand, Shan confidently answered “Absolutely not, there is something there. Scratch and I had the hottest hookup of my life, and I know he secretly wants more. I can just picture us having fuzzy mascot kitten babies together.”
PAGES 10-11
JUSTIN BIEBEALITIES
AFTER BIEBER’S DUI LAST WEEK, WE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT KIND OF PRISON GANG HE’D BEST FIT INTO IT.
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Capiluto to Outsource Remaining Parking in K Lot BY: CASSANDRA SHOUSE
04
Only a month after announcing the university will be “downsizing” the K Lot for Commonwealth Stadium renovations, President Capiluto has decided to make the limited remaining parking space “more profitable.” The Black Sheep contacted university president, and asked if this meant students would no longer be allotted parking in the K Lot at all, to which he responded, “Listen, at the end of the day it’s going to mean more money in the university’s pocket. We’re not giving parking to you broke-ass students, and we’ll get even more money from you idiots parking on the wrong spots. It’s a win, win!” After a fit of maniacal laughter, he told as a new “super mega crazy awesome” parking structure would replace K Lot and would feature a behemoth of restrictions “not not to confuse you into an absurd amount of fines.”
fined — even if they remain completely empty and it’s 3 a.m. on Saturday during spring break.
The Black Sheep got a look at these restrictions, and there is quite a lot of fine print. For one, students will be allowed to buy parking passes at the normal rate of $300; however, student parking will only be allotted on one level — level 3 of the 6-level parking structure. Parking on this level will be on a first-come, first-serve basis. The $300 passes will only be valid for this location, and may even elicit further fines if it is used to park elsewhere on campus.
In an effort to bring in even more money, none of which will go towards arts and sciences or student welfare, Caliputo plans on using the facade of the structure for advertising corporate sponsors. He hopes to have big names like Nike, Apple, and Ford adorn the outer walls. There’s even talk to use the east wall as a gigantic canvas for a commissioned portrait of a shirtless Coach Calipari riding a giant steed in a pit of flames, all in the name of recruitment.
The passes for the other layers will only be made available to staff and faculty who meet certain requirements. The conditions are as followed: staff who themselves, or their significant others, are expecting a child in the months of May through July, Virgos, Capricorns, and Pisces over the age of 35, anyone related to President Capiluto (within three generations) and/or staff members who have two different colored eyes. These pass holders will be allowed access to levels 1-4 (except level three) 24 hours a day. Towing will be enforced at all times using laser and geo-tagging technology, so any person found unauthorized of even walking on the wrong level will be
Big changes are on the horizon and the university community is anxious to see what will happen next. Capiluto didn’t want to keep too much in, and gave The Black Sheep a sneak peak of what’s to come. “It’s only going to get better for us from here. I’m working closely with the surrounding communities to make it nearly impossible for students to find off-campus parking. It’s all coming together. Soon everyone will always be on campus, and it’ll be impossible for them to leave and spend money elsewhere!” With the future of student parking looking bleak, students may want to start memorizing bus schedules, sign up for some online classes, or worse, walk.
The other parking spots will be open to paying customers who, at just a small fee of $10 for 10 minutes, will be allowed to use the space as they wish. That is, until football season beings, when pass holders will be forced relinquish their rights over to drunken alumni and season ticketholders. The 6th level, which will be left open, is going to be used as an alternative area for tailgating and the occaisional open space when President Capiluto “needs to get away from it all.” Some older fans and alumni are upset over the inconveniences this new structure will cause, saying they “feel like the university is treating them like students.”
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Buzzfeed Nostalgia Threatens Freshman Student’s College Life BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF Since the beginning of second semester, UK sophomore Shannon Burkes has become increasingly caught up in ‘90s nostalgia. Sources closest to Burkes report that her sudden blast from the past occurred after she began viewing a series of Buzzfeed articles reminding the 20-year-old about the good old days, back in 1997. “She came back from break a completely different person,” said Burkes’ current roommate, Amanda Fitz. “I was late arriving back at school but when I got here, our room looked like someone’s storage room had exploded.” “There were Beanie Babies covering every inch of the floor along with a few Furbies who were awake and asking for food,” said RA Mindy Calaway. “She apparently spent her book money on copies of The Baby-Sitters Club and replaced all of her supplies with Lisa Frank trapper keepers and gel pens.” Burkes also reportedly hung up dozens of posters featuring past boy bands such
as N’SYNC and 98 Degrees as well as teen heartthrobs Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell.
to be respectful, to which she obliged, until a few moments later in which she proceeded to yell, ‘NOT!’”
“We had heard about Shannon’s recent habits but we didn’t think there was anything wrong with her interest in the past,” said the girl’s father. “It wasn’t until last week that we realized her situation was much more severe.”
Witnesses claim that as Professor Leonard turned his back to write on the chalkboard, Burkes pelted him with multiple Sticky Hands and wads of Big League chewing gum before running out of the lecture hall. Campus police were able to apprehend Burkes a few blocks away as she tried to escape on her Razor scooter.
In a report given by university officials, Burkes was removed for disruption of the educational environment after an incident that occurred last Tuesday during her communication class. In a statement taken by her professor, Burkes was scheduled to present a speech but arrived over 30 minutes late for class. In the 20 minutes she was present, Burkes obsessively whacked a slap bracelet across her wrist and played on her Tamagotchi, disrupting the students in her vicinity. “I’ve never witnessed such a lack of maturity in a female college student,” said Professor Leonard. “I repeatedly asked her
After a recent spike in web traffic to the Buzzfeed website, researchers have been responding to various cases across the country in which college students are experiencing abrupt changes in cognitive and physical behaviors after reading articles posted on the site. “Despite efforts to educate students through more reputable news sites and blogs, college kids today are fixated on Buzzfeed articles, primarily due to their fun GIFs and ease of reading through Top Number lists,” explained psychiatrist
Michael Dunham. Research supports that the popularity of the site is correlated with students focusing their interests and styles towards trendy pages as a way of obtaining positive feedback from their peers. It could also be the reason why Burkes’ demeanor changed so drastically. “In college, students often struggle to find their identity with so many different outlets at their disposal,” stated Dr. Dunham. “Shannon may believe that she reached her peak as a poster child of the ‘90s and
therefore has reverted back to a time where she feels accepted as opposed to the stresses of college.” In light of this new evidence, the university has blocked the use of Buzzfeed on the campus’ network. In order to prevent future occurrences, students are being urged to read actual news instead of blog posts written by nostalgia-driven delusionists. Burkes is currently staying at home under parental supervision as her condition continues to be monitored.
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ON THE STREETS WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WAY TO STAY WARM IN THIS WEATHER? ior J o rd a n , S e n
“Walk to class in 5 degree weather until I can’t feel my toes... after that I’m pretty warm.”
r Emory, Senio
“Gloves and Starbucks.”
r John, Junio
“Cheering on UK!”
06
THE
TOP
TEN
LEXINGTON HOT SPOTS THAT NEED ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFETS BY: LUCAS TROUXELL
The two places on campus that have all you can eat buffets are two places that shouldn’t. Commons and Blazer are the awkward adopted cousins that no one wants to talk to, especially when Ovid’s or Intermezzo is in the room. Here are the top ten places we’d enjoy stuffing our faces at. If they want to accept meal swipes or give an awesome student discount, then that’d be cool too.
Tolly-Ho AFTER DARK BY: REBECCA ANDERSON It is 2:39 a.m. on what now is technically a Sunday morning and you can’t remember which side is North or South Campus. You’ve spent the last several hours drinking cans of Natty Light, slamming down plastic shot glasses, and discussing Justin Bieber’s pending prison sentence. But now you need to find food, and fast. Someone suggests McDonald’s, but c’mon… You want something, and it’s not to be hungry again thirty minutes later. Finally, you arrive at your destination and are able to bask in all of the South Broadway and cooking grease glory — you take a deep breath and take a step inside Tolly-Ho. Is this a restaurant or an after party? Rosebud’s, Two Keys, and the Paddock crowd have, like drunken nomads, wandered towards this postbar mecca. A sober individual hasn’t stepped foot inside this establishment after midnight in twenty years; not since William “The Sober Stallion” Young ate his last meal of cheesy tots, three large Cokes, a pile of sugar, and a Mega Ho, back in nineties. Waiting in line proves to be tedious, especially as the inarticulate tall blond in front of you can’t seem to form the words “eleven plates of bacon cheese fries please.” Your mouth waters at just the thought and you feel as if you haven’t eaten since they tore K-Lair down. Almost there... Almost…there. You stagger up to the cashier, who’s sporting an “I’ve just taken orders from 200 drunk idiots” face, and you conclude that he may hate his life, and is in desperate need of an occupational change. Once you’re able to mutter the words “Super Ho,” your name, and are
done laughing at the “Stop talking about Jake’s mom that way!” comment from somewhere in the back of the line, you pivot yourself around to scan the room for an open booth. Dammit. There are only two viable options, both of which are pretty shitty. On one hand there’s an open booth near the door that will fit everyone, however it’s colder than witch’s tit in a brass brazier outside, and you’re not trying to freeze your ass off while devouring a giant cheeseburger. The second option is the best — a table towards the back, despite that the random Pi Phi passed out in the corner chair is not the fourth meal guest you had in mind. Where is her other shoe? After everyone is safely seated at the table, you bravely meander over to the bathroom door, scared of what you may find on the other side. You imagine it to be something like a scene out of Black Hawk Down, but with more throw up. Opening the door you see that someone has knocked the paper towel dispenser entirely off the wall, someone left their pants in the sink, and moving towards a stall you see feet to a body that is undoubtedly snuggling the toilet… somehow your urge to piss has disappeared. Leaving the restroom, you can clearly hear your name being called for your food. Thank God. You sit down, bury all your attention into your tots, and enjoy the warm, euphoric sensation of your arteries clogging. Sitting there, stuffing your gullet with more trans fats than Colonel Sanders stuffed down his pants, staring at that now-awake-and-asking-for-tots-Pi Phi, you realize, hey, who needs K-Lair? I’ve got a Super Ho.
10.) The Quick Stop: It’d be nice to get almost too high then go to The Quick Stop underneath Commons and pay one flat price to eat all the snack foods you can stuff down your throat. Instead of paying $4.99 for just one Special K cereal bar, you’d pay 4.99 for a cereal bar, ramen, microwave pizza, and Combos cheese pretzels, Combos pizza pretzels, and Combo taco pretzels. s 9.) Raising Cane’s: If you can find a better chicken meal than Cane’s, you’re either lying, delusional, or banging the Colonel. Cane Sauce may have some supernatural healing properties, but the fact that it doesn’t have a buffet is blasphemy. 8.) Tolly-Ho: Imagine if Tolly-Ho could still have made-to-order Super Hos at a fast enough pace where every drunk within a fifteen mile radius could stuff their face until that John Wall shot comes up. Please Tolly-Ho, at least give us a post-2 a.m. weekend all you can eat .99 cent special. That food’s gotta go somewhere right? 7.) Ovid’s: Sometimes the hardest decision to make is what to order at Ovid’s. It’s all so good, and all so filling. It’s unfair that we get all you can eat bland shit Commons but not Ovid’s beautiful assortment of delicacies. If you can’t call off classes, Dr. Eli, at least set up Ovid’s as an all you can eat buffet. 6.) Red Bang Bang: It’s only a skip, hop, and a jump away from being an all you can eat establishment. It’d be great if they made it $1 a buffet instead of $1 a scoop, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers when it comes to Bang Bang Chicken. 5.) Taco Bell: Nosotros quiermos all you can eat buffet. If anything, we’d settle for a Taco Bell closer to campus than the one on Nicholasville Road. But while they’re at it, they can make it so we can eat as many cheese roll-ups and cinna-jizz-twists as our fat little American hearts please. 4.) K-Lair: The two most questionable things this university has ever done are: not putting a defender on Grant Hill in the ’92 Elite 8 and closing down K-Lair. The best way to re-establish this cherished landmark on campus? Make it all you can eat burgers, fries, and other greasy freshmen fifteen traps. Wait… or is that just Commons? 3.) Pazzo’s: Pint night with all you can eat pizza. Enough said. You would never have to go home again. 2.) Bangkok House: Perhaps the (slightly creepy) hidden gem of the Lexington Thai food scene, Bangkok House could make a killing if they offered a bottomless bowl of suong-tong or pad thai as a lunch special. And we won’t even ask where their getting all their “chicken” meat. 1.) Ramsey’s: Kentucky is known for two things: hot browns and bourbon. Places like Ramsey’s keep this stereotype alive with their killer happy hour specials and delicious hot browns. But who wants to pay $5.99 to eat one plate of hot browns? Then again, if anyone is even capable of eating more than one plate of hot browns they should get their meal for free and their face on the wall.
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Justin Bieber Declares himself part of the aryan Brotherhood As of Friday night, roughly 24 hours after his arrest for impaired drag racing and one hour into the mandatory eight-hour “drying out period” required for all DUI arrests, sources close to Justin Bieber are indicating he has aligned himself with The Aryan Brotherhood. He managed to orchestrate a tweet from behind prison walls, which confirmed his membership in the white supremacist organization:
While it is known that Bieber was planning his retirement shortly after a dip into the R&B genre, his rejection of the genre and its fans comes as a shock to many. However, his nation of Beliebers remains unphased. “It’s like, Justin knows everything. He has such a big heart, and I love love love him so much. So if he thinks blacks, hispanics, Chinese, Jews and whatevers should go [redacted] from a fucking [redacted], then I do too,” said Chelsea Simpson, 13 of California, who retweeted Justin’s sentiments along with 63,000 other teenage fans. The Black Sheep was unable to reach Bieber for comment, besides him telling us to take our “[redacted]loving paper and shove it up [our] virgin assholes.” Further persistence saw Mr. Bieber agree to speak to us through “Hitler’s Taint,” the Miami-Dade Aryan Brotherhood’s chief: “Justin wasn’t happy with how inferior other races made him feel. He found the truth in our ways. He realized societal pressures made him dabble in R&B and thus led to his downfall. Oh yeah, and look at the officers who arrested him -- shocking -- this would have never happened if America weren’t run by a [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].”
Justin Bieber Initiated by the Black Guerilla Family The warden for the Miami-Dade County Jail, Jeremy Caramel, has confirmed with The Black Sheep that Justin Bieber has been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, a multi-state prison gang. The Black Sheep reached out to the Bieber camp, and was granted a brief interview with the multiplatinum pop sensation. “Y’know man, growing up in Canada, I always had one black friend; now that I’ve been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, I have a lot of black friends. It’s a cracker’s dream come true.” Within the prison gang community The Black Guerilla Family is well-known for their intense initiation process, one which submits the prospective member to brutal beatings and psychological torture. Bieber had this to say regarding the
incident: “Man, when you’re high off your dick on Percocet, you ain’t feelin’ shit. The gauntlet might as well have been a giggle time tickle tunnel.” Still, heavy bruising was evident on Bieber’s forearms, indicating he’d seen some physical harm during his time behind bars. “Nah, you got it all wrong, bro,” Bieber noted in our The Black Sheep exclusive, “I told Terrence-he’s the leader-- how much I liked Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise. He, uh, he didn’t like that. I thought all black guys did; I got what I deserved, I guess.” We asked Terrence what it was like to have such a visible celebrity join his gang. “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?” the life-sentenced inmate wondered. Still, Beiber’s reasons for joining The Black Guerilla Family remained unclear. When pushed for a concise answer the pop celebrity was quick to reply:
Insisting he get one final word in our “[redacted]-loving newspaper,” Hitler’s Taint had this to say “Justin was the final key. In combining Aryan Brotherhood with the dedicated, white-washed masses of Bieber Nation, this country will finally be purified.”
justin Bieber aligns himself with Miami-Dade County Women’s Jail Lesbian Alliance After mistakenly being booked at the MiamiDade County Women’s Jail, Miami authorities have issued a press release confirming speculation that Canadian singer Justin Bieber has joined the jail’s Lesbian Alliance. “We have spoken with Mr. Bieber,” the release reports, “and as we look to rectify our booking mistake, we understand the young man’s reason for joining the Lesbian Alliance.” “He’s in high demand,” Lesbian Alliance spokesperson Karen LaPosha commented, “there were catcalls from them lousy straights as soon as they saw him enter those barred doors; that coif is impossible to miss.” An anonymous source corroborated LaPosha’s story, “Listen, Justin’s no stranger to a woman’s affection towards him-- he’s been dealing with that for years now, but the ladies in here, they ain’t like the ladies out there. In here, he’s not a toy, he’s a tool. Some of these straight women, they ain’t had a dick in months, or even years. You could drag the bloated corpse of James Gandolfini in here and some’a these ladies would pay half a pack of smokes for a ride.” LaPosha was quick to note that
Bieber has oftentimes struggled to fit in with the Lesbian Alliance: “Yeah, he’s used to getting manicures and pedicures and all of that--listen, most of the women we run with, they don’t even wash their hair with soap, they use lye. When he asked if there was a waxing facility here in jail, one of our members laughed so hard she threw up.” All things considered, the Lesbian Alliance has been a boon for Bieber’s safety. LaPosha left The Black Sheep with this anecdote: “We assigned him two shower guards the other day, both came back saying he looked like a naked 12-year-old male gymnast. Gross, give me a hairy piece of pussy any day.”
“Well, now that I’m in it, I can finally say nig—” The Black Sheep will provide additional updates as this story unfolds.
El Bieber se Alinea con Mexican MafIa de la PrisiÓn de Condado de Miami-Dade Nuevos reportes fuera del sistema penitenciario Miami indican que Justin Bieber de la música pop fama se ha unido a las filas de Mexican Mafia de la Prisión del Condado de Miami-Dade. La pandilla de la prisión desde hace mucho tiempo es conocido por el uso de su poder fuera de los muros de la prisión. Los rumores tienen abundan acerca de por qué señor Bieber se uniría a esta pandilla de prisión en particular, ya que él es de origen Canada. Sin embargo, La Oveja Negro fue directo a la fuente. Señor Bieber dijo a La Oveja Negro fue inmediatamente atraído por Mexican Mafia. “Tienen conexiones, yo,” dijo, y agregó “y entienden la angustia, hombre ... la angustia viene con el ser abandonado por una bella mujer como Selina.” “El corazón del hombre se rompió,” Ricardo Méndez, líder de la Mexican Mafia: Sector de Miami-Dade nos dijo. “Los fuegos
de mil soles arde en el corazón de este hombre, y esos incendios fueron extinguidos cuando Selina pisoteó su amor. Estuvimos de luto por él, porque también nosotros adoramos señora Gómez.” Mientras que “El Biebs” puede sufrir una pérdida en la base de fans de esta medida, Mexican Mafia afirma que apoyará cualquier movimiento que hace, e incluso ayudar a encontrar trabajo fuera de la prisión en el cartel de la droga o el auge de la industria de la música ranchera.
la angustia de un coño perdona como Selina Gómez y la sociedad mecánica opresiva en la que floreció como una rosa en una caja de concreto. Niño Jesús llora por Bieber, así que lo celebran por hacerse tatuajes de su cara en el cuello “.
“Justin es sólo un muchacho, él es un ser humano, que es el hombre, sino que también es un tigre. Su alma se eleva como un águila, pero su mente está atrapada en una carcasa de plástico de la modernidad. La Mexican Mafia beliebs que prevalecerá contra
Ricardo y su factor de están tratando de mover Justin Bieber hacia adelante en las filas de su pandilla, para hacerle frente a su organización. Sin embargo, no se sabe si esta historia de amor va a durar cuando la pena de prisión preliminar de Justin termina en dos horas.
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Next Big Rockstar Discovered at Frat Party BY: CHRIS BOURG Cancel the rest of this season’s American Idol, because America’s newest music sensation has been found right here on the Lexington campus. Junior Alex Halinski began honing his musical skills last Friday afternoon when he found a guitar under a pile of clothes in his room. “I was looking for my favorite ‘Party With Sluts’ jersey to wear to the gym when I found this guitar underneath all my dirty laundry,” Alex said. “When I saw it originally, I had no clue how it got there. Then I remembered that I stole it from some sissy emo singer at an open mic last semester when I was blacked out. I just walked up on stage and ripped it out of his hands. No one even said anything! That’s how you know he sucked.” So what inspired Alex to start actually playing the instrument? “I was thinking to myself, ‘This would be a great way to get laid.’ I knew—even though I don’t know shit about music—that I could score some serious pussy if I learned two or three songs that chicks like. Look at OneRepublic, those dudes blow ass, but I bet you they get prime
pussy every night because they play guitar and girls like what they play. So yeah, tail was definitely the only motivating factor for me.” Halinski made his musical debut later that Friday night at the party held in his fraternity house. Five people attended the concert held in Alex’s room, and the performance was met with high praise and adulation from fans. “OH MY GOD I LOOOOOOOOVE THIS SONG!” remarked freshman Tiffany Hall during Halinski’s performance of the opening riff of Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” Sophomore Jayson Tompkins said, “That guy really hit the nail on the head with his rendition of Green Day’s “Time of Your Life.” The way he kept missing notes and screwing up the intro riff sounds made him sound exactly like Billie Joe Armstrong. He got pissed when we asked him to play “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and instead started a rendition of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” in the key of B sharp. The creative freedom he takes with these classics are unbelievable. His talents are truly bottomless.”
Sophomore Mary Selvey captured Halinski’s performance on her camera phone and sent the video to everyone on her Snapchat friends list. One of the lucky recipients was Steve Barnett, Chief Executive Officer of Capitol Music Group, who was somehow added to Mary’s list after the app’s hacking earlier this month. “I was excited to receive that Snap from Mary because I was looking forward to seeing more nudes,” said Barnett. “But it ended up being better than tit pics. That grainy, vertically-shot cell phone video showcased a superstar, one that we had to have.” Barnett was so impressed with Halinski’s abilities that he immediately sent him the paperwork for a multi-million dollar record deal. The following day, a hungover Alex Halinski signed on to Capitol Records. When asked about being signed to a label that’s home to such musicians as Katy Perry and Capital Cities, Alex said, “Wait, do I get to meet Katy Perry? Dude, I wanna do a Russian on her so bad!”
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Capitol Music Group’s executive vice president Michelle Jubelirer issued a statement saying, “With a talent like his, we couldn’t afford NOT to sign Alex to a deal. It would only have been a matter of time before other record labels started banging on his door offering even more lucrative contracts to have him play exclusively for them. And there was no way in hell we were going to let those sons of bitches at Sony Music have a chance at him.” Although things are moving very quickly for Halinski, he’s enjoying the rush and looking forward to his first single, “Three Minutes of Me Playing Nothing but the ‘Smoke on the Water’ Riff,” dropping at the end of January.
There are also talks of starting a countrywide tour within the coming weeks. Fame and fortune hasn’t changed Alex, though. He remains grounded by the same values he held in his humble beginnings. “I swear to God, if I don’t get laid tonight I’m quitting,” he said. “I did not put in all this time over the past three days learning these stupid songs to not have sex with hot chicks.” As for the future, Alex says, he’ll probably stick with “this music thing” until he gets bored. “Then I’ll move on to something like target shooting. Yeah, something with guns. Bitches love dudes who pack heat.”
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Equine science Favorite Drink: Fishbowls Favorite Shot: Buttery nipple Disgusting Drink: Straight Kentucky tavern bourbon Would you rather eat a poo-flavored mustache, or a mustache-flavored poo?: Neither. Is a hot dog a sandwich?: No, because the bun is connected. What would be the grossest vodka flavor?: Broccoli
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If not Disneyland, what is the happiest place on earth?: Keeneland If there were the Ten Bar Commandments, what would #1 be?: Tip your bartender, even on $1 well night. What is the most American of words?: “Twerk” Is that a package of Jimmy Dean Country Mild Premium Pork Sausage in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?: Yeah, it’s sausage. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because laughing will keep you warm in this cold weather.
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the m.a.s.h.
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
The best man is... - Aziz Ansari - Edward Snowden - Stephen Hawking - Kanye West
The biggest mistake she made was… - Making out with the priest - Taking too many selfless - Puking on the wedding rings - Being too hungover to show up
Your signature entree was… - Doritos Locos Tacos - Vegan grilled cheese - Moonshine - Special K and almond milk
He pranks the wedding party by… - Throwing bleach on the outfits - Breaking the brides’ legs - Putting acid in the champagne - Inviting the Punk’d crew to film an episode
Oh hey, look who showed up! - Blue Ivy - Grumpy Cat - George W. Bush - Michael Cera
With a side of… - Organic banana chips - Chocolate ganache - Moonshine - Under-cooked chicken
The maid of honor is... - Courtney Stodden - Khloe Kardashian - Farrah Abraham - Katie Couric
And they brought you the best gift of all: - $100,000,000 - Two passes to Medieval Times in suburban Illinois - A noisy Pomeranian - A clearance rug from Urban Outfitters
And y’all lived happily ever after… - by having multiple affairs - hoarding kitties and puppies - applying chapstick to each other constantly - wearing your sunglasses at night
the crossword famous steve(n)s ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 Year-Old Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actos in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first
daying who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?” DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen.11) Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state? 13) Blind musician born in Sag-
inaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.