Volume 5
The Black Sheep
just Free! from Like gro eatin cery g d stor inne e sa r mp les.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 4
It’s Autumn in Our Hearts (And Also in Our Loins)
Shekinah Alfaro wrote this Like an undergrad guy after one too many drinks, the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks has come early this year and brought with it the national frenzy of all things autumn-related. Regardless of what the thermometer says, we’re ready to snatch up everything from pumpkin spice lasagna to the Durex pumpkin spice condom. Pumpkin spice vodka and pumpkin spice Pop-Tarts make a great college meal; and we can even splurge on the pumpkin spice Pringles. The weather man says summer heat and global warming, but our hearts say fall, dammit.
“We love looking at our northern friends’ Instagram images of leather boots and scarves, all the while hiding the fact we feel like posers as the sweat pools between our toes in our ill-timed Uggs.” There are some of us, and you know who you are, that woke up Tuesday, September 29 more than a little bit giddy. You turned the page on your calendar to September and made heart eyes at the date, all the while feeling the first hint of a chill in the morning air. Clearly you ignored the fact that the breeze you felt was the rush of hot steam coming off the pavement, because campus soon became dotted with warm Starbucks drinks and knit hats even with the immediate and real threat of overheating. Our hoodies have become armor as we battle into the coming months, pretending it’s a full 20 degrees cooler than it actual is. It’s still uncomfortably warm in the Bluegrass State, but we’re all more than ready to express our love to some cinnamon and nutmeg concoction. It’s 80 degrees on UK campus, but that doesn’t dampen our love of basic bitch North Face Denali jackets awkwardly paired with leggings or Wunder Under pants. We love looking at our northern friends’ Instagram images of leather boots and scarves, all the while hiding the fact we feel like posers as the sweat pools between our toes in our ill-timed Uggs, as we wait in line with other autumn lovers for the first Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte of the year.
true fact of the matter is that there’s something about the thought of death that makes college students dance. We love to look at the bare skeletons of tree branches, with their crunchy and decaying leaves at our feet. It brings out a more socially acceptable love of decay as we fill our lungs with the crisp sent of autumn. Hell yes, we will jack off to that #nofilter shots of maple trees in fiery reds and oranges even as the steering wheel is too hot to grab after class.
No one is sure why the fall frenzy is becoming more prominent. Some experts cite “capitalism” and “marketing” and “give us money,” but the
Sure it’s nice and crisp in the morning, but around noon when most of us actually roll out of bed, it gets a bit toasty for this supposed “fall,”
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FALL FAVORITES: MEN’S EDITION
UNIVERSITY BANS JEANS AFTER STUDENT SUSTAINS CROTCH BURNS
THE LOVE OF SWEATING THROUGH FALL ISN’T RESERVED FOR LADIES ONLY.
INTRODUCING THE SAFETY LEGS!
especially when you’ve pulled that bin full of sweaters off the top shelf of your closet. Heat stroke is nothing compared to the joy of seeing Pinterest boards filled with pins of recipes for pumpkin pancakes and pumpkin martinis and pumpkin s’mores and pumpkin-scented underwear drawer potpourri. Go stick your dick in a pumpkin, guys (disclaimer: do not stick your dick in a pumpkin) and girls go pick the daintiest scarf you own and pretend there is such thing as a warm weather scarf. Denial in its finest.
PAGES 12-13 THE BLUZZSHEED WE TAKE A PAGE FROM THE BUZZFEED BOOK AND DO OUR OWN IMAGE-WITH-QUOTE SPECTACULAR!
FOLLOW US @UKBLACKSHEEP OCTOBER 2nd, 2014 - OCTOBER 8th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
EDITORIAL MANAGER Shekinah Alfaro
OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Rebecca Anderson Luke Troxell
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
OUR APOLOGIES
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
TO THE ROSEBUD We’d like to take a moment and apologize to The Rosebud, and anyone associated with the bar, for any inaccuracies in our recent article. Our article made is seem as though the bar has closed down, when in fact, The Rosebud is alive and kicking. We also may have taken a few jokes too far and conveyed that The Rosebud was an irresponsible business, which it is not. We at The Black Sheep love all the bars in this country, and apologize for any false impressions. If you want to grab a drink and are of legal age, The Rosebud will gladly pour you a cold one.
THE NIGHT CALLER
Thanks, The Black Sheep
WORD of the WEEK
BRILLIAIN’T A word used to describe something one initially thinks is genius, only to later discover that it isn’t. When I initially thought of this fake word I thought it was brilliant, now I know it’s just brilliain’t.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Dropped out of high school at 16.
2
Is functionally illiterate.
3
Born in High Point, North Carolina.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP
PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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FINDING A DATE FOR FORMAL Rebecca Anderson wrote this
It’s almost fall here at the University of Kentucky and that means that it’s fraternity formal season. For all of you sorostitutes out there looking to be taken on a weekend-long drunken sabbatical from school, here are a few ways to find yourself a formal date. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor. Actually be his girlfriend: You’ve had your formal date secured since Matthew asked you to be his girlfriend that fateful night freshman year in-between shotgunning beers and grinding to Usher’s “Yeah” in some basement on State Street. You’ve had ample time to complete your cooler, and have it planned to the tee. However, your boyfriend better get one thing straight; if he thinks that he doesn’t actually have to ask you in a cute, nice way, just because you’re his girlfriend, he is so. Fucking. Wrong. Oh, and he better find all of your pledge sisters dates or he will be in for one long weekend. The hook up: It’s Friday night of fraternity rush and that means a few things: one, don’t throw up on the bus, and two, there will be ample
opportunities for you to screw your way into going on formal. Target someone who you’ve had a questionable past with—like that kid you made out with on the date party bus freshman year. When the time is right— which will be that gray area between drunk and “I just spent eight dollars at Red Bang Bang”-casually walk around the bar until you spot him. Pretend to wave at someone behind him as you walk past, casually ensuring that your shoulders collide. Throw a “Heeeeeeeeey! How have you been?!?!?” his way and let things progress from there. He went to your high school: You know that kid from your high school who went Greek with you? He’s usually the only one of your high school friends who can relate to the pains and pleasures of Greek life, and knows exactly what you mean when you say, “Ugh, meeting,” or “I wish Dean West would get a freaking life.” This kid is also your formal date in. Text him about a month before formal to see “how things have been” and then somehow work the topic into the conversation. When he realizes where the conversation is headed, threaten to tell everyone how
he used to wear graffiti sweat jackets and gold chains freshman year of high school. Being one of the bros: You may be referred to as a groupie from time to time, but who gives a shit? Not you, that’s for sure. Since freshman year you’ve only hung out with that one fraternity, and although they are your only guy friends, you wouldn’t trade them for the world. They treat you like one of the guys, and you’ve on several occasions changed in front of a few of them, forgetting that they were actually males, and not just some of your girlfriends. You often find yourself the only girl hanging out in the group, passing the bong and watching Netflix, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. Formal without you would just be weird; good luck on deciding who you want to go with, because you’ll have several options. He’s…a pledge: Okay, you got a little desperate. Somehow, you’re finding yourself with no date less than two weeks before formal, and you’re freaking out. You promised yourself you wouldn’t go with a– you can’t
even think it-- pledge, but now it’s either keep your dignity or miss out on formal. You’re a fifth of tequila and one themed house party away from figuratively saying “fuck it” and finding a freshman to take you to NOLA. You haven’t been to a pledge party since first semester sophomore year, and as you’re dusting off that bin of themed clothing just remember… Champion’s Court dorm rooms are furnished with
Tempur-Pedic mattresses… so shacking with a freshman shouldn’t be that bad, right? So girls, as you’re bonging beers in Myrtle Beach or stumbling down Bourbon Street with a neck covered of beads, just be glad you read this article. And yes, you should have used a second coat of Mod Podge on your cooler because now it’s chipped to shit.
DUDES, MAN
THE TOP TEN
K-Lot Shenanigans Most people know K-Lot is much more than a parking lot, it’s a sea of illegal activities, scheming, and freshmen who are just trying to get stoned on a Tuesday night. As if you already didn’t know what goes on, here’s a list of shit that puts K-Lot on blast. #KLotAfterDark 10.) Use of Excessive Profanity: Rarely is the term “K- Lot” unaccompanied by some sort of cussword or derogatory remark. Next time you see some freshman crying because their bag of groceries broke and are now all over the sidewalk know the phrase “fuck this shit” is all that’s actually going through their mind. 9.) Sketchy Mischief: Anyone who has ever had to park their car in K-Lot knows that there’s a chance they’ll come back a day later and something could be missing or damaged. Many a car radio has been taken and side mirrors ripped off. We all know it was either a Louisville fan, or UKPD creating their own calls to save themselves from perpetual boredom.
FALL FAVORITES: Men’s Edition Luke Troxell wrote this
When the first green summer leaves start fading to brown, the average girl gets wetter than a dozen moist towelettes. For her, this means hoodies, bonfires, pumpkin spice, and everything nice. For guys, this wonderful season provides a lot of benefits as well. Here at The Black Sheep, have compiled all the things guys can look forward to this fall season.
Yoga Pants: “Behold the beautiful southern belle bottoms that our almighty god has graciously bestowed upon us, my fellow brethren.” – Some Guy This is what guys used to say when UK first opened up its doors way back in 1865. Nowadays it’s more like, “Aye yo bruh, peep those fat ass cheeks over there, I’d screw the Delta outta her.” Oh, how the times have changed. Regardless, admiring a fine ass is a timeless pastime that’s been enjoyed by males for centuries. Yoga pants have only made said ass-gazing that much more enjoyable. During the fall, the only thing more common than yoga pants at UK is parking tickets, but the former really makes up for the latter. October Hook-Ups: Any sensible single guy knows that October is the number one month for hook-ups. Girls are ready to be cuffed so they can be cuddled and nurtured through the cold winter months. Also we talked to a guy who was like the Reggie Jackson of hookups and he was pretty sure that pumpkin spice makes girls “hella horny”. He said he posted up at the Commons Starbucks with a half script of Cialis and a smooth tongue and averaged four blowies per hour. This dude got
8.) Couples’ Quarrels: K- Lot is where relationships go to die. Those high school sweethearts who thought they’d last through the first semester of college were so wrong, and everyone knows it as they dramatically walk outside to “drive around and have a talk.” 7.) Parking Wars: There are few feelings as stressful as circling K- Lot to find a parking spot while another driver is also circling trying to find a spot. Choosing the wrong row to drive down could be something you regret for the rest of your life. May the odds ever be in your favor, because having to park in overflow sucks. 6.) Drug Deals: This is pretty self-explanatory. Large, dark parking lots are the breeding grounds of black market Adderall buys. 5.) The Birds: Squirrels aren’t the only infestation here on campus. Birds flock to the K-Lot trees and power lines like college freshmen to 8 a.m. classes. One can even hear the UK maintenance staff setting off what sounds like rocket launchers in order to try and scare some of them away. However the birds are still here and now you’ve been woken up at six in the morning on a Sunday. 4.) Golf Cart Rides: SAFECATS rides come in super-clutch when you really don’t feel like walking back to your dorm. Just call the hotline as your parking, and an ROTC cadet will be by your side in no time, ready to give you a ride back to Champions Court.
his balls bobbed on more than caramel apples at an elementary school fall festival. When you couple cuffing season with that fact that girls’ panties evaporate after a whiff of pumpkin spice, then what isn’t there to love about fall? Oktoberfest and Fall Ales: There’s something about kicking back on the couch all weekend, watching football, and sipping on the finer fall ales that really gets our dicks hard. Same thing applies for Oktoberfest. Any guy on campus would be lying like your geology professor when he said the exam would be curved if he said he wouldn’t trade a 40-0 basketball season for one crazy October Saturday in Munich. Fall ales are much finer in that neck of the woods, but you can bet your big, blue ass that after 15 minutes here you couldn’t taste the difference in Alsterwasser and Ale8. Keeneland: Dressing up to get drunk, blowing money, and chasing broads. No other three things can get our testosterone pumping like these things can, and they can all be found at Keeneland, but only during the fall and spring seasons unfortunately. Nonetheless, when summer starts dwindling down the start of Keeneland is on every dude’s mind.
3.) Smoking the Ganja: Hey, dorm life may not permit passing a blunt around the room, but passing a blunt around the car is definitely okay. You won’t be that dumbass who gets caught smoking in Blanding 4, and you’re already in the car so Sonic is definitely the next move, once the roach is out. 2.) Back Seat Lovin’: UK doesn’t understand that the weekend actually starts on Thursday, and visitation policies should be tailored accordingly. Seriously, how are you supposed to seal the deal with that hottie from econ if you can’t even check him in? Oh wait, the back seat of your car has plenty of room for activities. Boom! Problem solved. 1.) Tailgating: Anyone who’s witnessed K-Lot the day after a football game knows that shit definitely got weird the night before. Beer cans, liquor bottles, and broken Ray-Bans litter the concrete as far as the eye can see. So, next time you see a random Suburban shaking, or a Toyota Camry full of smoke, don’t be alarmed, just know that K-Lot didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose K-Lot… and that students are rachet A-F.
Summer is reaching its end, fellas. Suns out guns out, ‘Murica chants on the beach, and night swims are long gone. For you optimistic dudes out there, we say the grass, the ass, the beer, and the football are much finer on the other side.
Rebecca Anderson wrote this
PARTY PICS
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What piece of media would benefit most from replacing one work with “ass,” and what does it turn into?
TAYLOR, JUNIOR “Game of Ass. Or Ass of Thrones.”
DUSTIN, SENIOR “Breaking Ass. A man who deals crack.”
STACY, JUNIOR “Baby Ass. Pretty sure that’s going to get me in trouble”
06
N OT H A P P Y W I T H YO U R H O U S I N G ?
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PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
AROUND CAMPUS
University Bans Jeans After Student Sustains Severe Crotch Burns Natalie Shofner wrote this
We’re all familiar with UKs idea of becoming exclusively a pedestrian traffic campus, with their lack of parking near White Hall and its aim to, by 2020, eliminate all streets designed for vehicles that pass through campus. However, after a major incident last week, the board of UK may be rethinking their decision. Jared Trust, international studies sophomore, was making the trek from class at the William T. Library to Patterson Office Tower in casual classroom attire; jeans and a blue Wildcats t-shirt. Unfortunately, due to high amounts of friction from walking quickly between the buildings in the ten-minute period his schedule allows, his pelvic region spontaneously caught fire, causing Jared major burns to the inner thighs, penis, and left testicle. This is not the first incident related to jean combustion the university has had to deal with. Back in the spring of 2012, Jill Becker, philosophy junior at the time of the incident, was running to the Chem-Phys Building when her $200 Lucky Brand Jeans lit up like a drunken frat guy after that year’s championship
win. Jill was treated for severe burns, but says that the flames had gifted her with permanently-bald lady business, although she has lost most feeling in that region. The University of Kentucky has announced that it will put forth a mandated dress code in hopes to eliminate the chances of accidents like these from happening again. Rather than wearing jeans or shorts, the dress code requires every student to wear specially designed, flame-resistant leggings, which are being called “Safety Legs©” specially made by the College of Engineering. These leggings are similar in appearance to the common black leggings worn on campus by every girl in a sorority. However, these leggings will feature a patent-pending fabric on the inner thigh, designed to resist friction and keep the inner thighs cool and fire-free. About 100 students have been selected to help test out Safety Legs© in exchange for a free pair. So far, reviews have been positive, and students can’t stop praising the leggings ability to
“make it feel like a bag of ice on my nether regions.” Older male professors can’t help but share their excitement for this conversion as well. “I just can’t wait to see all those fine honeys with junk in the trunk and pants that show it all off!” said Steve Cobbler, a gender women’s studies professor A few of the complaints have only come from male test subjects, claiming that they are feeling over-sexualized while constantly getting cat-called and harassed by female classmates. “I feel like all women see now is my schlong. Why can’t they just treat me like a person? I have feelings too!” said Brian Gadberry, an undecided senior. Whether students like it or not, Safety Legs© will be a part of the required student dress code starting spring of 2015. Anyone wearing pants deemed “hazardous” will be fined up to $1,000 and must take a class which teaches the importance of wearing fire-resistant clothing.
Safety Legs© will only be sold at the UK book store with an estimated retail price of $99.99 per pair. When criticized about the price, the board assured that each student will receive a voucher for “half off one pair of Safety Legs© with the purchase of one textbook costing at least $250.”The board is hopeful that this will help offset the cost for struggling students and will encourage students
to buy more than one pair. In turn, this will add additional revenue to help offset the cost of replacing all the major roads throughout campus with large water fountains and more statues of the rich old white men who have donated millions towards building a better and brighter future for our university. Safety Legs© will, no doubt, assist in building that future!
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken• Major: Kinesiology Favorite Drink: Tequila sour • Favorite Shot: Lunchbox Disgusting Drink: Manhattans What do you think Cap. Morgan is hiding behind that moustache?: All his secrets. Ordering a martini in a college bar is…: Classy Where’s the last strange place you’ve woke up?: In Kentucky. What now irrelevant athletic achievement are you most proud of?: Winning state for basketball in Minnesota. What chain restaurant is criminally underrated and why?: Local Taco, it’s delicious and healthy. Nutrition is everything. If you had to fill a mason jar with tears in 24 hours or less how would you do it?: Think about my puppy back home.
AYASHA of TWO KEYS
THE DRINKING GAME DON’T PUKE IN YOUR SHOES! Hey you stupid, drunk idiot, don’t puke in your shoes. Aren’t you sick of that mushing between your toes every time you put your shoes on in the morning? Just aim to the left a little bit! What You’ll Need: Some sort of container (garbage can, mop bucket, not a pair of shoes, etc.) Number of Players: Two (Player one is the puker, player two cleans up and has a shitty night.) Level of Intoxication: High enough to need to puke in an odd item, low enough to have the capability to choose something other than your shoe. How to Play: - Go out to a bar and get accurately drunk enough to fall within our recommended “level of intoxication.” - Stumble back home (do NOT lose your shoes). - Arrive home and take off your shoes. - At this point, it may be good strategy to hide your shoes or throw them onto a high platform (shelf, top of the fridge) that way you can’t possibly puke in them. - Focus intently on your garbage can or bucket (do NOT look away). - When you finally have to puke, aim for the garbage can or bucket (may also be a good strategy to play with a teammate who can intercept your shoes from your path of puke). The Game Ends When: You puke (a win or loss is determined by whether you feel something warm and oddly comfortable in your shoes the next morning).
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How do you shave a rooster?: You don’t shave it, you pluck it. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To find out more about me!
RECIPE FOR DISASTER WASHED-UP MASHED POTATOES Look at that shit. Do you see the spuds winding out of its side? It’s disgusting that a potato like that is even still around. Didn’t it know its time was up weeks ago and it should’ve just gone out on top when it was at its peak? Let’s get rid of this guy once and for all – get your oven mitts! It’s time to make some washed-up mashed potatoes. What You’ll Need: A sense of grit, determination, and nerves. This potato overstayed its welcome and you are NOT happy about it. Cook Time: As fast as possible, if we wait any longer it may start to root. Fatty Factor: Don’t worry about this; it’s all going to be worth it when it’s over. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab that son of a bitch and shave those gross growths off its side. Does it even think about how it looks when it goes out in public? - Snatch a pot and fill it with boiling-hot water. Then boil it some more. This guy isn’t making it out of here alive. - It’s time to truly embarrass the potato. Shave the skin off and leave it sitting bare on the counter. It didn’t have the self-respect enough to call it quits at the right moment, now look what it’s clinging on to – a life of naked worthlessness. - BOIL IT, BOIL IT, BOIL IT. - Watch it shrivel up like the washed-up potato it is. - Now throw it out in the trash. You’re not eating this recipe today, folks. This time it was all about setting things straight.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
The BluzzSheed Buzzfeed has made a name for itself by posting gifs and pictures that go viral, and to be honest we’re a bit put off here at The Black Sheep. What they do isn’t very hard, you’ve just got to find a random number of pictures and a sentence that any schmuck can relate to, just like a horoscope. To prove our point that we are the superior media conglomerate, we’ve tried our hand at their little game. Without further ado, we present The Black Sheep image-with-quote spectacular!
4 Pictures That Will Remind You That You’re Just a Speck and What’s The Point of Taking That Midterm And What’s the Point of Anything Really
Banana Boy wrote this Look at us just floating out there.
5 Sloths Blissfully Unaware Their Homes Are Being Destroyed to Make Paper This idiot’s smile won’t last long.
Look how tiny we are. What’s the point?
This sloth’s tree is getting burned to the ground. This guy’s best friend just got frozen.
This guy’s home was destroyed so you could hold this paper in your hand. The guy’s family tree is now mulch for your garden.
All those people look like ants. Are our lives really worth more than theirs?
According to Men in Black, aliens play marbles with our galaxy, why shouldn’t we play more?
6 Monkeys Wearing Dresses That Share 99% of our DNA So It’s Not Weird To Find Them Attractive
She’s scared of you, too.
I’ve got a thing for famous actresses.
3 Babies That You’ll Never Believe Turned Into Assholes
Get a load of that smile.
Maybe not a 10 but a 6 at least.
Check out that cleavage!
She’d totally bang her boss to get a raise.
These 6 Squirrels Wearing Hats Make You Realize How Much You Miss Your Mom
This asshole committed arson.
These two assholes stole 15 million dollars.
This little prick started World War II.
Remember going to the Fourth of July parade with her?
Remember when she used to make you sandwiches?
Remember when she’d get you ready to go out in the snow?
Remember when she told you to stay away from Shriners?
You won’t see her on your birthday.
Remember watching Peter Pan with her on VHS?
THE BACK PAGE
do you know these album covers? Do you know all 8 of these album covers? Oh, you do, do ‘ya? Well, email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!
THE BACK PAGE
GET TO KNOW YOUR BEARS CROSSWORD ACROSS:
1) A bear market in economics is often in conjunction with another animal. 3) A grizzly bear is on this state’s flag. 4) The name “Teddy” Bear came from which president? 8) This city has da’ Bears as their football mascot. 9) This famous bear has friends including Piglet and Eeyore. 10) This indie rock band is led by Ed Droste, two words. 13) The American bear icon says “Only you can prevent wildfires.” 14) These sad black and white bears are endangered. 16) “Sexual Harassment Panda” in South Park is also known as what?
DOWN:
ANSWERS
1) The series of children’s books about a family of bears written by Stan and Jan. 2) The biggest Build-A-Bear Workshop is in this borough of New York. 5) The brown bear is this country’s national animal. 6) This type of bear is the largest of the brown bears. 7) This creepy bear of the 80’s spoke to you, two words. 11) A bear is known as a large, hairy man in this kind of community. 12) The UCLA mascot is also a type of bear. 13) Brown bears love this particular type of fish. 15) Polar bears are found in which Circle?
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SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION KATE UPTON
MORGAN FREEMAN Kate Upton and Morgan Freeman are connected in - you guessed it - six degrees. Do you know how that’s possible? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
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