The Black Sheep
FR yo EE.. u s . li to ke le th fo e re r y st ou au r V ra al nt en pe tin pp e t erm his in ye ts ar .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @UKBlackSheep
Volume 1, Issue 5 • 2/7/13 - 2/13/13
damage control
for the lazy boyfriend Leonard Ramone wrote this
Alright fellas, it’s almost Valentine’s Day and you don’t have shit to give your girlfriend. No dinner reservations, no flowers, no chocolates, no sappy mix-tapes, no super-cutesy little trinket that so perfectly ties in to that little inside joke you two share… you don’t have anything except an empty wallet and a staggering sense of soul-crushing shame. How does this girl even put up with seeing your lazy-ass, let alone letting you sleep with her? Hey, don’t panic! The Black Sheep has totally been here before, and we’re going to help you pull off some killer damage control with your poor lady friend. Getting out of this mess will take a little sweet talk and a shit-ton of lying, but we’re guessing that’s how you landed this totally-too-good-for-you girl to begin with. So let’s get to work. “Why dote on you just one day? I love you 365 days a year, babe.” Sounds cheesy, right? Sure, but you’ve got to get over that. It’s the season for cheese, and you’re the one who screwed it up in the first place. The strategy here is to make her feel like the two of you are special. You two transcend the petty holiday display of artificial affection -- you’re two star-crossed lovers locked in a passionate, eternal love story; the kind of love you can offer her (and frankly, love is the only thing your broke-ass can offer her) is something that can’t even be faithfully expressed in the short span of 24-hours. It’s fake and cheap, but so are you. Just be prepared to turn in to an ultra-Romeo for the next few weeks. But dammit, isn’t she worth it? Here’s a hint: If she’s dating you, she is. “Valentine’s Day is nothing but a vicious corporate marketing ploy.” Even better! In some sense, it’s absolutely true. We all know Valentine’s Day is a goddamn conspiracy between Nestle, Hallmark greeting cards and a shadowy group of Mad Men-esque advertising wizards designed to rob you of your beer money and send you to the annual relationship doghouse. Moreover, this line has the double appeal of making you seem smarter (“… Wow, he’s so socially conscious!”) and her seem more special than the average one-night-stand (“…Wow, he’s not pulling the old clichés on me!”) But of course, it takes a certain finesse to pull this maneuver off. If you don’t normally moonlight as a pretentious, campus anarchist type, she’ll see right through the ruse. Plus this isn’t the 1960’s – you can’t talk down to girls about corporate culture – they know all about it, and they still want the free shit they’re entitled to. And god bless ‘em for it.
The Perils of Facebook OverSharing Facebook is for social networking; it’s not your online diary.
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“I totally got you the most bomb-ass surprise… just wait a few more days.” There’s nothing more beautiful than the frantic, pure-desperation lie. Sure, it can work in the heat of the moment. But this is a double-edged sword - you avoid the initial Valentine’s Day letdown, but every day you put it off you’re roughly doubling the expectation-value from your poor boo. Lying about your gift/surprise/sex offering saves face for now… but can you walk the walk? If you’re not clever enough to jerry-rig a significant romantic gesture in a few days you’re just digging yourself deeper into the hole of shame. It’s a bold lie that buys you time. But if you can’t deliver on your empty promise… you might not have to worry about future Valentine’s Day conundrums like this. Welcome to the single life!
what'’s inside
And of course that’s what we’re trying to avoid. That’s why we at The Black Sheep work tirelessly to help you (and us) save a little face from our romantic fuck-ups. Valentine’s Day is a stupid relationship test that brings untold stress to us hundreds of happily committed bros who dutifully hold our ladies’ hair back when they make that weekly Friday night visit to the porcelain god. But whether it’s fair or not, this is the time where we have to prove just how goddamn better we are than the Johnny six-pack she could easily meet at the bar. So let’s get it right, guys. After all, she’s the one who still puts up with our sorry asses.
Top 10: Best Way to Get Your Valentine
bartender of the week
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page 11
Cards and chocolates not cutting it? Time to get creative…
Ashli from Two Keys wants you to come in and order an Irish Car Bomb.
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 4: Romance at its Finest: College Edition If Easy Mac and yoga pants aren’t love, then what is?
page 4: from the streets What's your favorite pickup line?
page 9: Dear Blonde Girl Who Sit in the Front Row of Physics
Table of
You may not know my name, but if you like action figures ...I’m totally your man.
page 12: How I met your mother… on Facebook graph search Ted Mosby gets his creep on.
page 13: We Interview: Justin Grant Wade Aka, Steve Holt from Arrested Development.
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite pickup line? "'What up Shawty?'...guaranteed to work 0% of the time."- Ethan, Senior
Romance at its finest: college edition
"Did it hurt... when you fell from Heaven?" - Josh, Freshman
tbs staff wrote this
T’was the morning of Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, when I awoke next to my girlfriend. She was the epitome of beauty, her face covered in drool and her nostrils flaring with snoring vibrations that kept me up most of the night. I woke her up, as I do every morning, by leaving a mug of slightly burnt coffee on the nightstand next to her wheezing, drooling face. But since this morning was special I put a dash of creamer I stole from IHOP in the coffee to mask the burning aroma! I took a lukewarm shower while the love of my life brushed her teeth and went through her typical “mascara-only” makeup routine. But wait, today she pulled out all the fancy stops—today she put on Chapstick. Such a small gesture, one that I knew she had put extreme amounts of thought into, just to make me, and maybe my penis, happy on this wonderful day. As we ate our usual breakfast of a few-days-expired blueberry yogurt and off-brand cereal, I felt the rays of winter sunlight, as weak as a Cardinals’s ejaculate, stream through the window and catch the split ends of her brown hair. We soon parted ways - her going to class and I gallivanting off to watch an entire season of Rock of Love, eating bags upon bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and neglecting any and all work I had to do for school, my internship, or otherwise. All of this in order to better focus my energy on thinking about her for every waking moment of this blessed V-Day. Upon my sweet lady’s return, she drank a cup of water, sprung from the dirty fountain of the sink (only the best for my love); then she took a nap. I decided to take advantage of her slumber to get reacquainted with “Hand-gel-ina Jolie” during shower #2 of the day. Then I made us some scrumptious
cuisine: Easy Mac garnished with table pepper I stole from the Commons and served in microwave-tarnished ZooPals bowls. She looked utterly ravishing in the flickering light of the TV, as we sat on the couch and finished up Rock of Love. We kept talking to a minimum, preferring to keep to our own thoughts, and ate in a silence drenched with tenderness only comfortable, cholesterol-ridden love can provide. The fire of passion between us was unmistakable as she changed into her worn-in velour tracksuit to do homework while I researched how to solve our impending fruit fly problem. She lovingly wiped Cheeto cheese from my sweatpants and reminded me to take out the trash on my way out tomorrow morning. I returned her doting sentiment by advising she pick up milk and more cheese sticks tomorrow, since we were out of both and since dairy is the key to my heart. The love scrawled between the lines of our words inevitably led us back to the couch where we quickly dove under a blanket—obviously in order to watch the latest episode of The Voice that we had recorded form the night before. What an episode it was! We were both so exuberant upon its ending that we agreed we deserved an early bedtime right after we treated each other to, you guessed it, ice cream. We even got a little bad and kinky— and covered it in chocolate sprinkles and caramel sauce! Decompressing from all that frozen dairy, I wandered aimlessly around the kitchen while she went to bed. By the time I crawled into bed she had fallen asleep, which I didn’t mind. There was love in the air as I crawled next to her, mostly because since she was sleeping and I now exercised the sweet relief of farting. "Now that’s true love," I thought as I kissed her cheek and fell asleep, my heart all-aflutter with the promise of another fairytale day awaiting me tomorrow.
"Aye yo girl! Nice shoes, wanna f*ck?"- Wyatt, Junior
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The
Top 10
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Best Ways to land Your Valentine
So you picked ‘em out - that smokin’ hot, super sweet boo of your wet dreams. Now there’s just that pesky problem of getting them to talk to you. But no worries Romeo - let us at The Black Sheep offer you 10 foolproof ways to catch the eyes of your soon-to-be Valentine’s Day sweetheart! 10.) Trip Them: Ain’t nobody got time for beating around the bush, and the forward approach is always the best approach. ‘Tis the season for falling head over heels! Why don’t you do them a favor and help them out? When they resume consciousness, guess whose beautiful face they’re going to see first? 9.) Steal Their School Supplies: If you’re fortunate enough to have a class with your future baby momma or daddy then you can steal their shit. Whenever they’re not looking grab a pencil or a pen. After a while they’re going to notice and come to you asking for their things back. Once that happens, you got them right where you want them. Work your magic, boo! 8.) Flash Mob: Everybody loves spontaneous choreography and mediocre singing. If you’re going to ask your valentine out this way, not only are others doing all the talking for you, but you get to bust a move in the process. Another bonus? They can’t say no after all this effort! And if they do we don’t think they were ready for your jelly anyway.
The Perils of Facebook Over-sharing Mary Venuto wrote this This may come as a surprise to some of you, but when Facebook asks, “What’s on your mind?”… it’s more of a hypothetical question than an open invitation to spill your guts out for your whole friend list to see. And it’s this confusion that seems to be the root of all the obnoxious Facebook over-sharing that’s currently plaguing us casual Facebook users’ newsfeeds. When I accept any friend request I understand I’m bargaining for trivial updates on the mundane events that happen throughout the day. I expect statuses like “I pooped. It felt great. You ain’t about that life,” or “HOW ‘BOUT THEM CATS!!!!” Instead I get the play-by-play of one of my friend’s herpes testing: “Appointment in five minutes. SO nervous!!!” and “Keep me and my coochie in your prayers!!!” Then maybe a “Get my results in two weeks! Fingers crossed!!!” and finally a “Test results came back! I’m clean!!!” Thank goodness it was a false alarm, but then why’d she have red bumps in the first place? Never mind, we actually don’t want to know. We're ashamed to admit we were even curious in the first place. But those embarrassingly candid accounts of sexual transgressions aren’t the only ones -- personal relationship drama also doesn’t have a place online. As if making relationships Facebook official -- and then unofficial -- wasn’t enough information, now we have to read statuses about how big of a bastard Sally’s baby daddy is for sleeping with her now ex-BFF. Of course some people think they’re being sneaky by posting sad or angry song lyrics to convey the bitter torment of heartbreak, but this only leads to resentment. Thanks, douche, we used to really like that song but now we can only associate it with your waitress ex-girlfriend who got knocked up by your second cousin. A good rule of thumb in these situations is if anyone can write a tragic Nicholas Sparks story based on your posts then you’ve shared too much. Now for all the politicos on Facebook - don’t think you’re getting away that easily. You’re totally ignorant and misinformed. “Liking” the picture depicting Obama as the Muslim anti-Christ holding a communist flag and lighting a Christmas tree on fire will not sway my vote. The fact that you decided to share such a post already undermines your authority on the subject. Everyone right now is making a big fuss over the current gun control debate. If your knee jerk reaction was to post a status that reads “Obama is going to have to rip my gun out of my cold, dead hands” after hearing about proposed gun control initiatives, then you really need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. If you have a burning desire to really change public policy, dare we suggest writing to your representative? Or is that too proactive? Sure, people need some sort of outlet to keep their emotional health in check, but Facebook - or any social media outlet, for that matter - is just not the place. If writing down your feelings helps you then we’ll all pitch in to buy you a stupid journal. You can even begin each entry with “Dear Facebook” if it so pleases you. Just as long as your inane ramblings don’t clutter up space in our brain that should be used for more useful things like pictures of cats… and porn.
7.) Make A Rap: I see you walkin’ and I know you see me walkin’ too. You got that heat and together we’d be blazin’ boo. It’s V-day and I don’t want no cards or heart lockets. I’ll take you though… covered in chocolate. What I’m asking you ain’t hard as rocket science or digging mines. So whatchyu’ say darlin’… will you be my valentine? 6.) Create an Alter Ego: Clark Kent was cool, but chicks were throwing their panties at Superman, not Kent’s weak ass. Some people are shy and find it easier to play pretend than show up as their actual self. Johnny’s alright, but Johnny Boy 6000? He can get it. And if this method doesn’t work at least you have someone to blame it on. 5.) Sticky-Notes: Sticky-notes are more than just basic reminders; they’re gifts from the gods! If you love them, why wouldn’t your valentine? Put random notes in their books with little hints that tell them that they make the thorns on your roses stand up. Make sure you use their stickies though - they’re too expensive to be playing around with. 4.) Get Them Sick: Who said viral warfare is off limits? The flu’s going around campus and you need to use it! Get sick then get your valentine sick. Once you’re their sexy nurse for about a week they’ll be begging YOU to be theirs. 3.) Show Up Naked: You’ve been going to the JC religiously and your body can make a Cardinal purrr. Are you really supposed to keep all that glory to yourself because running around naked is considered “wrong”? Other students might have a problem… but we bet your valentine won’t. 2.) Ask Them at Arrowpoint: Nothing says "Be my valentine!" like threatening them with the same weapon used by the holiday’s mascot! 1.) Ask Them: If you’re willing to do all these random things to get that special someone to be your valentine you shouldn’t have a problem with going up to them and confessing your undying love. You’re epic and anybody on campus would be lucky to have you. Plus you read The Black Sheep… you’re sexy by default.
Shauntionne Mosley wrote this
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Dear Blonde Girl Who Sits in the Front Row of Physics
dolf wrote this
I’m a senior who sits three rows behind you in class, and I think that you have the most beautiful back of the head that I’ve ever seen. This one time in lecture you saw me staring at you and awkwardly smiled, and I knew from that moment on that we were meant to be together for forever. No girl has ever acknowledged me before. I was wondering, would you be my valentine? Frankly, I don’t think I could survive another year with my mother as my valentine. I think that 25 is a bit old for that, don’t you? I was held back several years in grade school because I used to have fits where I would scream and bite any person who came near me, but the psychiatrist has prescribed medication so I generally don’t do that anymore. Last year I only bit four people. I think that we would be a great fit as valentines because you have interests, and I am willing to change every single thing about my personality to please you. For example, when I looked on your Facebook and saw that The Notebook was your favorite movie, I immediately went and bought it, and now I watch it every day. Speaking of Facebook, why haven’t you added me as a friend? I’ve asked you about 138 times. Even though we haven’t met, I feel like I know every bit of your life. Your best friend Karen will absolutely love my collection of dolls with the eyes removed, and I can’t wait to meet your parents, Bob and Carol, so I can show them my vast collection of Nazi memorabilia. That jerk Aaron doesn’t even seem to appreciate you. I mean, he goes to Louisville. How can you possibly love someone when you don’t spend every single minute of the day with them? Speaking of which, we should probably start planning our classes together
now so we don’t have to spend a moment apart. Let me tell you a little about myself. I work at the Lexington Humane Society, which is pretty boring, but sometimes I get to put down dogs, which is pretty cool. Not a single one of my coworkers can remember my name though. The only girlfriend I ever had was when I was 14, and she was from Canada. She asked me to send naked pictures of myself, and when I did, she revealed she was actually a 45-year-old man. We dated for three more months but eventually lost touch and decided to end it. I think our relationship could last longer because you’re a real person and a girl. I have an excellent date planned for Valentine’s Day. First, we will go to my apartment, where I can show you my scale model of bin Laden’s house being invaded by Seal Team 6. I like to reenact it with my action figures. Then we can go to dinner, but I may very well be unable to talk to you, seeing as how women tend me to make me incoherent and profusely sweaty. The director’s cut version of Star Wars: Episode II is playing in theaters, and I figured since it’s the best movie ever you would want to see that after dinner. Finally, our night can culminate with the joining of our genitals in a beautiful ritual so we can have our first child together. I am a virgin, but don’t worry. I have watched lots porn so I have a pretty good idea what to do. I want you to meet my cat Mittens as well. He died when I was six, but we had him perfectly stuffed so it is like nothing ever happened. I really hope you consider going on this date with me. My mother
really seems to look forward to driving down to Lexington, which greatly concerns me. I feel that we could really have something special as long as you learn to deal with my glandular problem. I have already bought the six-pack of Smirnoff Ice Mango for us to drink and am planning on making a Tombstone pizza, my specialty, in hopes to impress you. Just know that your Valentine’s Day could be perfect if you choose to spend it with my mother and I. Sincerely, Thurston Willingham VII P.S. I got your restraining order in the mail yesterday. There’s no reason to play hard to get, silly!
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bartender of the week ashli d. two keys Where are you from: Williamsburg, KY
people you meet.
Nickname: Ash Have you learned any life lessons at the bar: Patience is key, just try to put up with the drunk people. Is bartending hard: No, you just have to know how to deal with people. What's your favorite part of bartending: The atmosphere of the bar, the scene, and the
What's the worst thing you've ever seen at the bar: There was a fight and drinks were spilled all over everyone! What's your favorite drink to make: Irish Car Bomb, and I also like to make Awesome Sauce Shots! What drink do you order at the bar: I start off with a Jäger bomb and then drink a domestic beer.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Hockey fans everywhere are boozing hard and celebrating the end of the lockout. At the same time, the bandwagon fans are still asking what a lockout is. Pregaming with some puck guarantees a great night.
Everyone has experienced that awful moment at the pregame when you realize you brought the booze but forgot the chaser. Forget the two liter of Sprite and add some sweet flavor to your cheap, crappy vodka in a different way. Cavity vodka is a great way to get rid of that Burnett’s laying in your freezer you have yet to have the desire to drink or even look at.
What You’ll Need: A fifth and a case for every 2-3 players. Number of Players: As many as you can find who truly like hockey. So, not many. Level of Intoxication: You’ll have a nice buzz on before the last one sounds.
What You’ll Need: A handle of plain Burnett’s or any cheap vodka and a bag of your favorite kind of fruity or sour candies (Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, Mike and Ikes, Starburst). Cook Time: At least 24 hours. Be patient. Fatty Factor: Won’t cause you any heart attacks, but you should probably visit your dentist soon.
How To Play: - Take a shot of beer for every offside or icing call. - Beer bong or shotgun a beer for every fight. - Chug five seconds for every minute of penalty. - Take a shot at the end of every period. - Take a shot of beer for every shot on goal. - Take a shot for every goal. - Take two shots for every time the goalie accidentally knocks the puck in. - Take a shot for every goal your team won or lost by.
Let’s Get Baked: - Place the candy at the bottom of a large container or sort out evenly into smaller containers. - Pour vodka into the containers over the candy, leaving at least three inches at the top. - Shake the container well. - Let the container sit for at least a day; however, you will get better results if you let it sit longer, but no longer than one week. - Shake the container once in awhile so the candies’ flavors can continue to mix well with the vodka. - Drink up!
Pregame With Some Puck
The Game Ends When: When the game ends. Duh.
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Cavity Vodka
The only restriction is not to use any chocolate candies. That’s just gross, man.
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how i met your mother ...on facebook graph search. Kids, it was winter of 2013, when I met your mother. After a rough night spent at Cindy’s apartment, I knew the girl I was after, but only had a few clues to track her down. Something about the mystery behind your mom enticed me, we were so compatible, yet I had never met her. I knew she lived in New York, and hoped she was single, but nothing else. It’s an impossible feeling to describe – knowing the love of your life is so close, but impossibly far at the same time. Marshall and Lily were blessed to find each other in their youth, but I was growing older and lonelier by the second. While preparing for yet another night of futile Google and Facebook searches for “Where is the one I love,” “How to avoid being alone forever,” and “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost with out you” Facebook alerted to me to their newest feature: Graph Search. It told me I could find just about anyone based on their interests, who they’re loosely associated with, and where they have been. Kids, there was a light at the end of the tunnel! All I had to do was let Facebook find all the single girls in New York. So, let me tell you how I met your mother…
The glow of my laptop dimmed as did my hopes of finding my future wife. Should I stop here, give up my search, and dig out the naked pictures of Robin I stashed away so many years ago? No! This is the quest for true love. This is the woman I love, the woman who will give me two children, raise them with me until they’re roughly teenagers, then make herself scarce for the next eight years as I tell those children the story of how I met her. She won’t have kids to weigh her down, or an exhusband who will steal her away from me at the altar, and she won’t dress up like a slutty pumpkin and leave me hanging at the same damn Halloween party year after year. I’ve silently waited around for girls my whole life, been the nice guy, done incredibly creepy things for them that seem romantic because I emphasize words like “future” and “fate.” I had to dig into my inner-Mosby mole. I had to find my one true love. That’s it! I know what I should do! I should just search what I like, because my future wife will like all the things I expect her to! Females in New York who are 28, college educated, likes dogs, North Carolina, bass guitar, the New York Times crossword, tennis, old movies, lasagna, Love in the Time of Cholera, Otis Redding, and wants a boy and a girl in the near future.
After sifting through hours worth of girls who just didn’t seem to be the right fit – didn’t feel right in my heart -- I decided I had to narrow it down. But how? How was I ever to find my future wife in the largest city in the world? Then I remembered the three objects I had picked up in Cindy’s apartment in a futile attempt to show her how compatible we were. No longer did I have to find out a person’s interests through actual conversation! No need to hang around local bookstores waiting for a girl to show up and miraculously start proclaiming her love for T.C. Boyle, no need to plan elaborate two minute dates with some girl just to see if they like Star Wars as much as me! All I had to do was lock myself in my room, pop on the perfect song to make an otherwise meaningless moment meaningful, and find my future wife on the computer!
Then, kids, I had a stroke of genius! I added another filter – I’m friends with Cindy and she must be too! So I searched that those girls should be friends, or friends of friends, with Cindy! So there she was, kids. Facebook had led me to your mother. What was going to be another night of dry-pumping and subsequent crying, turned into the night Facebook found me the perfect woman – one who meets and exceeds my excruciatingly high standards. A woman who won’t like me for me, but will like me because she is me.
How am I supposed to find true love in such a wide pool? I must be able to narrow it down, I must dig deeper. There must be more to my true love than these three simple interests. Surely I’ve been interested in people with personalities that take more than three words to describe? If only I had snapped a picture of her ankle then done a reverse image search - No! Get your head straight Mosby!
we interview: justin grant wade We caught up with STEVE HOLT!... er, Justin Grant Wade, the actor who play(s/ed?) Steve Holt in the greatest show in history, Arrested Development. We had a few cocktails and the interview ran long, so be sure to check out the extended version online to see who he thinks is funnier: David Cross or Will Arnett, what the set of Greek was like, and if he ever banged Maeby. By: Quinn The Black Sheep: How long were you an actor before you got the role of Steve Holt? Justin Grant Wade: I started acting after my mom and dad were notified by my baseball coaches (and noticed themselves) how much I was a knucklehead on AND off the baseball field growing up. My mom decided to sign me up for acting class around the age of twelve. It was a summer kids course at the South Coast Repertory. I was terrified at first but then quickly adapted and continued to take classes there for many years. After that, I attended the Orange County High School of the Arts in California. That's where I began to grow and appreciate the arts. I didn't start "professionally" acting, though, until the age of 14 or 15. And by that I mean going out for TV shows and movies, having a manager and agent and whatnot. TBS: What was the audition process? Did they just ask you to say “Steve Holt!” Or did you have more lines? JGW: Funny story. Life comes around, man. I got the call from the casting director from Arrested. They were having trouble casting the role. A casting director that had worked with the casting of Frasier and many other shows I had auditioned for mentioned my name. She had seen me in a production at South Coast Repertory (that's why I never knock theater!). They had already had four or five audition rounds when I showed up. It came down to a short brown haired kid with a mop top, about a 6'5" Asian fellow in a varsity jacket, and me. You could hear everyone’s reading through the walls but of course couldn't see. Pretty much everything you see in “Bringing Up Buster” from season one was read. It seemed as though there wasn't a lot of laughing. I went last. Six people looking at me. Never met ‘em before that day. All of a sudden I'm doing my read and they're laughing - even after the audition. We said our goodbyes and a LONG 3 days of anticipation later, I had the part. The industry's funny like that. TBS: What are some projects you're working on right now? JGW: Right now I'm continuing to audition and keep on acting. I’ve been working on some writing stuff with some buddies of mine. They're in the industry, and kind of all over the place so it's fun to have actors, writers, dp's, directors and producers all coming together to write and they all have something else to bring to the table. But until then, the new Arrested project is a big goal and that's fine with me. TBS: How did the Save Steve Holt campaign begin, and where has it gone since? Has it been successful? JGW: I guess I have to start with the latter of the questions. I do know what will be going on with Steve Holt. UNFORTUNATELY, myself, and you included my dear friend Quinn, will be kept from knowing. Think of it as we're the rubber suit guys from American Horror Story and we can't unzip our creepy fetish shit until May. The SSH campaign pretty much began as a joke with my buddy Robert Adamson. He's a fantastic visual/artistic designer and fan of Arrested. He REALLY wanted to get me back on the show at all costs, so he designed the site with our buddy Nick Blancharte. I pretty much sat in the wings while they created t-shirt designs, an entire website, art pieces, business cards, etc... It was crazy. All of a sudden, I wake up one morning and he's texting me that we've already been in the Huffington Post, CNN, and a bunch others. Our Facebook fans shot from 60 or so to 2,000. The web can be nutty sometimes. None of us expected that. Next thing you know we're shipping t-shirts from AZ to NY to Australia. TBS: I imagine people constantly shout "Steve Holt" at you, what's the most awkward encounter you've had with a "STEVE HOLT!" fan? JGW: The funniest would have to be on a treadmill at the gym one time with my gal pal, Brooke. We were finishing up a good work out and we hear something. She said, "Did someone just yell?" Then we hear it more clearly, “STEVE HOLT!!!!" We turned near the door and there were two dudes with shocked faces that were giggling like little girls. I laughed and waved. They gave me the obligatory "Right on, man!" and quickly bounced. Brooke then turned to me and asked, "Do you know who that was?!" I said, "I don't know. Obviously a big fan of the show!" She laughed and said, "Yeah! But that was (some guy I can't remember his name). He's the one that was obsessed with me and asked me to homecoming like 3 years in a row!" I did remember then, and we had a good laugh. Seeing how we went to high school together. TBS: What was your most memorable on-set moment? JGW: A few good ones – too many to count though. Definitely having the conversation with Alia [Shawkat]’s mom and Michael Cera's mom before I kissed her daughter. Ali's first kiss EVER was Michael. I was 19 or so at the time, and was watching from the back of the auditorium we were filming in, unbeknownst to me that the lovely parents were sitting in the row directly in front of me. They asked, "And who do you play?" I said, "STEVE HOLT!" They laughed and said, "Oh wow. So YOU'RE the one that'll be kissing my little girl! I'm keepin’ an eye on you!" She was of course kidding (but not really) [laughs]. It went off without a hitch and we all know how the kissing cousins ended up... until the new season. See his second favorite moment on theblacksheeponline.com! It has to do with David Cross!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
community Thursday, February 7th at 8pm on NBC
In the 4th season premiere of the cult show that's on the perpetual verge of cancellation, Community is friggin' back! Dean Pelton (Jim Rash) devises a way for students to compete for class space, while Abed (Danny Pudi) stresses about the study group breaking up after graduation. And lucky for us, Chevy Chase is still in the season (save for two episodes)! #SaveCommunity
Side Effects In theaters february 8th
Life is hard, but prescription drugs make it a lot better. When a woman (Rooney Mara) starts taking them to deal with the anxiety of her sexy husband (Channing Tatum) getting released from jail, she realizes that the side effects of said prescription drugs aren't so much fun. Directed by Steven Soderbergh, this film also stars sexy Jude Law and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Sexy, sexy, sexy.
Azealia Banks - Broke with Expensive Taste Out February 12th
Miss Azealia Banks blew up on the Internet last winter with her single "212," making her memorable with her big smile, pearly whites and slick-witted rhymes. She had been relatively silent since then, but is now breaking out with her debut studio album Broke with Expensive Taste. This'll be the test to see if she's more than just a cute girl in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt spitting raunchy lyrics.
valentine's cards!
As a child it was hard to tell your crush that you "choo-choo-choose" him, or you want her to "bee yours," but that's why there were cheap, perforated pieces of cardboard to do your work for you. As we've grown, our tastes have changed, but our childish demeanors have remained the same. We wanted these Valentine's Day cards to reflect that.
the madlib: my valentine’s day I may not have a significant other today, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a kick-___1___ Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s just another ___2___ or whatever the hell day it even is. I have my own traditions that I don’t need no ___3___ tearin’ up my ___4___ and shit, not to mention my ___5___ .
I start my day like any normal ___6___ -esque badass like myself would start a day, with a ___7___-wrapped ___8___ and a side of ___9___ chips drizzled with ___10___ , and, for dessert, ___11___ and ___12___ pie. Then I head to my favorite bar, The
I end my morning over to the strip club, The ___19___ ___20___. I always get a dance from my girl ___21___ ___22___ , my precious girl. I rarely make it long at the strip club because I’ve never been good at holding my liquor. Good ole’ bouncer ___23___ who could be ___24___ ’s scarier twin gets me a cab, and I make my way home. I roll a fatty of ___25___ , put on some porn, and spend the rest of my day in heaven. I love Valentine’s Day.
Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Manager David Smith, Jeff Dyas
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Shauntionne Mosley
Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon Social media manager Olivia McCoy
1) Body Part 16) Old Age 2) Weekday 17) Controversial 3) Derogatory Political Topic Female Term 18) Group of 4) Body Part People 5) Vital Organ 19) Color 6) Action Star 20) Ocean 7) Deli Meat Animal 8) Cut of Steak 21) Month 9) Flavor 22) Yoga 10) Dressing Position 11) Exotic Fruit 23) Simple 12) Type of Meat Name 13) Hair Color 24) Famous 14) Nationality Black Actor 15) Fruity 25) Weed Name Liqueur
___13___ ___14___ . It doesn’t take long before I down a shot or 12 of ___15___ , start groping the ___16___ bartender and shouting on about ___17___ and ___18___ ’s-rights.
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