Volume 5
The Black Sheep
you Free get ! Hon you est r w ly, l i-fi. ike Not how eve n so rry.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
The Three Best Things About Keeneland Rebecca Anderson wrote this Here at UK, we may not have a fully wet campus or a ranked football team, but we have something way better—we have Keeneland. Like chugging bourbon, playing basketball, and hating LexPark—it’s all part of our collective Wildcat culture. The three best things about Keeneland (other than the actual horses) are the mix of culture, irony, and encouraged gambling. How can you beat that combo?
The Culture: What the hell would you do on fall Fridays and away game weekends if you didn’t have Keeneland? It’s a good thing the great state of Kentucky is known for horses. Not only is it completely normal to see girls walking around campus with all of their horse shit: equestrian boots, saddle crop (hehehe), riding pants and all, but as a student, there’s something delicious about waking yourself up to Akon’s “Smack That” at full volume knowing that, yes, it’s race day. You don’t care that it’s 6:30a.m. as you actively ignore the fact that today you’re waking up earlier for Keeneland than you do for class each week. No one minds getting up for a good reason. It’s Keeneland, and that’s awesome.
The Irony: Where else can you see students dressed in their Easter Sunday best, erupting with a chorus of shouts and cheers that can only be translated to “Glad you’re here, let’s drink”? Fresh dresses and dress shirts get to see the first light of day since Greek formals, and there’s so much hairspray and gel that even the most complicated updo can’t survive the inescapable upcoming shit storm of the all-day party that is Keenland. The girls may be dressed like angels, but the pairs of feet squarely aimed towards the back corner of the room become the North Star to the keg line. A line of guys in perfectly pressed khakis and crisp shirts may look like gentlemen, but they soon look like young gentlemen lined against the wall being cited for underage drinking. Irony is strong in Keeneland, as is the booze.
The Actual Betting: Waking up Sunday morning realizing that you gambled your fraternity dues away betting on a horse just because its name was “Pour Me Another,” is a very real and very possible circumstance. As you pay your five dollars and walk into Keeneland, you feel like it’s Christmas, or basketball season—which are the same thing here in the Bluegrass. Fireball shots are passed around as the current race is shown on the television, while simultaneous cheers and bursts of anger can be heard as the horses cross the finish line. Sure, no one knows shit about horses, but hey, that one looks fast, and we can always put off looking at our credit card statements until Monday.
Equestrian activities are a way of life at the University of Kentucky, and Keeneland is a perfect example of how embedded horses are in the culture here, whether you’re there to bet, or just to drink some bourbon. So Wildcats, as you dive into the fall 2014 Keeneland season head first and at full force, just remember, Keeneland is way classier than Churchill Downs and the Cardinals can kiss our asses.
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PAGES 12-13
TOP 10: WEIRDEST CLASSES OFFERED BY THE UNIVERSITY
ENGINEERING STUDENTS BEGIN SEMIANNUAL MATING RITUAL
NEWS HAPPENING SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD TODAY, PROBABLY
YOUR PARENTS PAY A LOT FOR YOU TO GET AN EDUCATION THIS GOOD.
THE ONE GIRL IN CLASS IS IN FOR A RUDE-AWAKENING.
MONEY, LAWS, GUNS, SPORTS, iPHONES… IT ALL HAS TO BE HAPPENING, RIGHT?
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THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE WAYWARD WAYNE “Finally, we can be together,” Karen whispered to Brian, moments after the Space Supreme Court struck down laws banning inter-Kingdom marriages.
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WORD of the WEEK
REMARKETABLE Anything sold purely because of its nostalgic value.
Lenny paid a handsome $35 for a remarketable Saved by the Bell t-shirt—the show came out before he was even born.
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1
Is considered an expert on sneakers.
2
Recently lost 75 pounds.
3
Began working at a pawn shop at age 21.
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Study Shows Brief Eye-Contact With Stranger Confirms Every Self-Doubt You’ve Ever Had Staff wrote this
“We’ve found that every time you look into a stranger’s eyes on your way to class, they do in fact know about every embarrassing thing you’ve ever done in your lifetime,” Professor Conlon said. “Do you remember that time last year when your friend walked in on you in the bathroom and laughed at how small your dick was? That stranger probably knows all about it. And it’s all they’re thinking about when they see you walking by.”
Staff wrote this
LEXINGTON – Freshman Jennifer Lowrey’s best friend was rushed to the hospital Saturday night with a broken screen.
LEXINGTON – University of Kentucky researchers announced findings Tuesday that show the brief eye contact you made with a stranger this morning confirms every self-doubt you’ve ever had. Professor Jeffrey Conlon, who led the study, announced the results of his team’s findings to reporters in front of UHS this morning:
Student’s Best Friend Hospitalized With Broken Screen Early reports are saying the injury – which required immediate assistance – was a result of hard contact with cement along Pine St. “I got pretty drunk and dropped her right on the sidewalk,” Lowrey remembered, wiping away tears from her eyes. “I can’t even describe how bad I feel right now. I never meant to drop her.” Doctors told reporters Sunday morning that Lowrey’s best friend will be recovering for three-to-five business days. “The injury was pretty bad,” Doctor Ben Davidson said, rubbing the back of his neck while breaking the bad news to Lowrey. “There’s some obvious external damage, but the fear is that there were some internal issues caused by the fall.” Friends close with Lowrey said she spent the most of her time with the hospitalized friend and can’t imagine her going through day-to-day activities without her.
Conlon said that his team’s research also shows that once you break eye contact with a stranger and part ways, there’s a 98.7% likelihood that the first thing they tell all of their friends in their next class is how terrible of a person you really are. “It’s also extremely probable that they have already posted on multiple social media networks about how funny you looked today,” professor Conlon informed reporters. “Maybe next time you should wear a different shirt.”
Although the university study showed no signs of immediate physical harm or death due to having brief eye contact with a stranger, it did show dramatic effects on life after contact. “Most of the subjects in our study showed signs of having no friends and bad acne,” professor Conlon said. “A fair amount of them also seemed to have nobody that loves them or cares about any feelings they may have about the struggles of a young adult’s life.”
“Jennifer seemed to never stop paying attention to her,” said Beth Conrad, Lowrey’s roommate. “I don’t know what Jennifer’’s going to do without her. She did everything with her. They took pictures together, she always woke Jennifer up in time for class every morning, and Jennifer even relied on her as a mouthpiece to speak with her family.” Conrad said Lowrey just stares blankly at a wall now that she must wait for her friend’s recovery to be over. “It’s really sad,” Conrad said, gently rubbing the shoulder of a cognitively distant Lowrey. “Jen’s just so reliant on her. Maybe now she’ll be able to notice the millions of other beautiful, tiny details of life that surround her every second of every day besides her one friend.”
AROUND CAMPUS
THE TOP TEN
Weirdest Classes Offered by UK Education is important, that’s why we all force ourselves into brief moments of sobriety between the hours 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. But some classes are just so unrelated to anyone’s life plans you have to ask “What the fuck, UK?” 10.) UK 101: In case you didn’t get enough UK propaganda shoved at you during your high school years, you can recap it all in this one handy class! This class has been regarded as teaching you nothing, but it’s guaranteed to be billed as the “most important class of your lifetime.” 9.) KHP 118, Walking: Barring physical disability, we’re going to assume that most people have some idea of how to walk. What are they teaching exactly? Is it some kind of special technique? Why is it over an hour? Is this just like a PE class?
UK Alert is…
8.) A&S 300, The Meaning of Life: We no longer know what the meaning of life is, because this class was canceled. This leads us to assume that the meaning of life is, in fact, not paying nearly $10,000 a year to drag our asses out of bed at 8 a.m for the most cliché philosophy class ever. Who would have thought? 7.) KHP 200, The Philosophy of PE and Sports: “Chase the Frisbee? But why? Its purpose is to fly. Why do we chase the Frisbee just to release it again? Is the chase real? Is the Frisbee real? Am I real? How can the Frisbee be real if our hands aren’t real?”
Words We Can’t Print in Titles
6.) PHI 100, Intro to Reality: If you haven’t figured out that you are, in fact, alive by the time you’ve entered college, then this class if for you. It’s only an introduction though, because the only way to be 100% sure you are real is a hangover so bad that makes you wish you weren’t.
Lucas Troxell wrote this
5.) KHP 113, Hip Hop Dance: In what world is this beneficial to any major? Imagine years from now saying “My doctor went to UK. She only got a D in their medical classes but hey, she sure learned to twerk!”
Oh, UK Alert, you’re the biggest debacle since Woodland Avenue in spring 2014. With more missed calls and texts than your mother sends you during finals week, and the effectiveness of Willie at the free throw line, it’s safe to say that UK Alert often does more harm than good.
4.) MAS 436, Video Games as Important Media: Any group of guys that would actually want to go to a class about video games, probably won’t put down their Monster energy drinks long enough to answer a question about the media implications of their last round of Halo.
Frequency of contact: Text, phone call, email, tweet, Dixie cup on string, fax, pager, carrier pigeon, and a really loud yell from the top of Patterson Office Tower: all of these are ways that UK Alert alerts students in the event of an emergency. Let us be the first (last?) to tell you that this isn’t all that necessary. A guy can’t even have a proper fight with his girlfriend due to his phone blowing up like a Tolly Ho-filled tummy. UK Alert, one simple, “STAY INSIDE DUDE, IT AIN’T SAFE OUTSIDE ANYMORE,” text would suffice in keeping us Wildcats safe. Lateness: We don’t know about y’all, but when someone finally does say “STAY INSIDE DUDE, IT AIN’T SAFE OUTSIDE ANYMORE!” We want hear that information when the figurative shit is hitting the figurative fan, not hours later when the smell has finally permeated to the furthest edges of campus. How many times now have our phones blared out a warning for an armed robbery that happened yesterday? A group of guys brought a gun to campus and we didn’t know about it until hours later. Which makes us wonder, what is the alert office doing that they consider infinitely more valuable than our lives? It better involve some hella-good food, porn, or drugs impeding their ability to say, “Oh yeah, we should probably tell the students that shit’s going down.”
Crimes never take place at ordinary personfriendly time: When was the last time you forgot to set your alarm for your 10 o’clock class and someone was conveniently committing an armed robbery at the Speedway on Euclid, compelling UK Alert to blow your shit up, thus waking you up on time for class? Never? Yeah, that’s the right answer! All the crime happens at night when everyone is stoned, drunk, or full of hate. We’re not sure if all y’all have seen Pineapple Express, but you can’t just throw this alarming shit on a bunch of messed up college kids. One of two things will ensue: either everyone gets paranoid and hides like a giraffe in the next Louisville Purge, or you got a bunch of dudes going, “like grab some Fruit Roll-Ups and shit let’s roundhouse this cashier asshole.” Alerts should be tailored for entertainment: Wouldn’t it make your Monday if UK Alert told you some drunk moron thought it would be a great idea to break into Chem-Phys and try to recreate Canes sauce only to be apprehended by Stone Cold Willow and forced to wear a Cardinal suit in the Eruption Zone for punishment? Instead they send us novels that include actual police reports. Are you kidding? We’d rather send our little sisters out to dinner with Rick Pitino than read that shit.
UK Alert, you’re more bad than good. Like a professor who doesn’t cancel class on Friday, like a dry fraternity party, or a Caturday without a tailgate, we truly deserve better here at this esteemed university.
3.) A&S 300, Comic Books and Graphic Novels: This is the class for those who don’t have the attention span to read a full page of words. Like a picture book for adults, comic book enthusiasts can go over colors, shapes and how word bubbles are always suspiciously placed over Mary Jane’s tits.
2.) A&S 100, Vampires’ Evolution into a Sexy Monster: The fact that this class exists is enough to get Dracula rolling around in his coffin. The course description reads like a bad magazine article: “follow the Vampires’ evolution from Slavic folktale into a sex symbol!” All we need now is for the title to officially be changed to “Twilight fans are finally old enough to be college freshmen, God help us all.” 1.) A&S 300, Spirit Chemistry: Oh bitter irony, this class goes in-depth in the production of moonshine, vodka, gin, rum, bourbon and scotch, which sounds awesome except… Kentucky is a dry campus. There will be no actual alcohol. They can’t teach you how to make it either, which essentially means this is just a chemistry class cursed with horrible irony. Shekinah wrote this
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ON THE STREETS IF YOU WERE STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND WITH ONLY WHAT’S CURRENTLY IN YOUR BACKPACK, WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST THING YOU WOULD BE STUCK WITH? Sam, Sophomore
“A potato.”
Logan, Sophomore
“A plush Yoshi doll.”
Jared, Junior
“A binder full of Pokémon cards.”
06
N OT H A P P Y W I T H YO U R H O U S I N G ?
LEXINGTONSTUDENTHOUSING.COM
The Bar Grid Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles & $3 Well Drinks Kitchen Open to 2am 365 days a year!
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Saturday
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Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single
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Wednesday
W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry. Haroon Ali Trio
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Thursday
SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris
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PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
DATING
Engineering Students Begin
Semiannual Mating Ritual Around Class Female Staff wrote this Following a traditional one-month period of preparation, new reports say the males of CS485 have begun the semester-long mating ritual surrounding the one girl in the class. “There’s something wrong with my code,” said Allison Winkfield, senior and prized female, during the weekly ceremony known as lab. Almost immediately, say sources with knowledge of the event, a young brave known as Ryan began his display of strength and intelligence, effortlessly gliding over in his chair and leaning over her, demonstrating both poise and wisdom as he began checking her work. “What’s the problem,” said Dan McHale, the eldest super-senior in the tribe, putting his arm over the back of Winkfield’s chair.
“What Dan has done here is a common mating technique used by the Engineer,” said UK anthropology professor Sarah Robinson. “By responding second and asking vague questions, he now has a laid-back appeal used to appear calmer and cooler than the rest of the males. However, he is only able to employ a ‘hover-hand,’ in which his arm hangs slightly above the back of her chair, resulting in a very awkward display of masculinity. This may be related to his presence in a 400-level computer science class.” Reports confirm that senior Elliot Eisenberg then leaned over Winkfield’s shoulder and immediately began typing. “Eisenberg hopes to establish a close physical proximity by doing this, as well as get her acclimated to his scent, which is a mix of bar soap and no deodorant,” Robinson added. “He also hopes that by not saying anything, he can come
across as an enigmatic genius, like the wandering samurai who speaks to no one and saves the barley farmers. This is due to a long manga phase throughout his teenage years, as well as being too nervous to talk to girls.” As more potential mates entered the bids became more desperate, and the suitors had to make do with little room. Junior Michael Achebe reportedly decided to employ his often unsuccessful technique of bending over her monitor and attempting to read her coding upside-down to look for syntax errors. “Achebe here acts in a way that us foreigners might think strange. Well, the other tribesmen think it’s strange, too,” Robinson commented. “By attempting to read upside down, he provides an uncomfortable display of intelligence. It is not only physically uncomfortable for him, but also socially uncomfortable for everyone who has to watch it happen.”
Despite the space being tight, another contender named Ian Rosenblatt entered the lusty, futile contest. Using his fivefoot, six-inch, 125-pound build to his advantage, Rosenblatt sprang up from under the table between Winkfield’s legs, holding a ten-inch laptop with his own correctly inputted code. “Rosenblatt’s introduction started what is referred to anthropologically as a ‘feeding frenzy,’ in which each Engineer feeds off the testosterone of the other,” Robinson said. Sources say the students then stood on the tables, tearing off their shirts and exposing abdominal muscles only visible
because of their skinny frames. In order to reestablish himself as the alpha male, Ryan started fighting off other warriors with a keyboard and strangling them with the USB cable. The TA, in an act of male dominance, covered his face in chalk warpaint and performed a traditional mating dance of strength and masculinity, in which he does sit-ups with his testicles exposed. This large hoopla came to a quick halt, however, as Allison added a missing rightparenthesis, fixing the issue. Having not won a mate, the men hung their heads and awaited leaving, reportedly so they could go back to their huts to hone their mating skills and furiously masturbate.
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Any cold beer • Favorite Shot: Jim Beam • Disgusting Drink: Tequila What aspect of bartending are you better at than any other bartender and why?: Having a good time. I love good times! Is there a liquor myth you know from personal experience to be false? Explain: “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker.” Don’t be weak, just learn how to hold your liquor. Besides M&M’s, what else melts in your mouth and not your hand?: That’s a secret. What are granny panties good for?: NOTHING. If we invented a word right now — say “spladawnt” what would you say it means?: A dirty sexual maneuver. If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, who’s face would you wear and why?: Beyoncè. Everyone loves Beyoncè.
MIKE of TIN ROOF
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: The Black Sheep is the best paper in town!
THE DRINKING GAME
SMACK THE BARTENDER Look at that arrogant buttface, sitting over there behind the bar atop his little throne, counting his tips, and acting like he owns the place. It’s time to show him what’s up. You’re the king of this bar, not him. Or maybe you’re just really drunk. Who cares? Dude, you can totally take him. What You’ll Need: A strong hand and a weak bartender. Number of players: Just you, the bartender, and whoever is in your way. Level of intoxication: Enough to slap the bartender. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
FRIED McDOUBLE Alright, it’s time to polish the turd. You’ve ordered a McDouble and have the instant regret of filling your body with 90% grease and 10% loss of self-respect. It’s time to double the McDouble and fry that bad boy like it’s never been fried before – because it hasn’t. You’re a health-hazard revolutionary. You’re a savior. You’re the first person to fry and try a McDouble. What You’ll Need: $1 and some loose change because of tax (thanks, Obama), patience, minimal athletic skill, the will to discover what’s on the other side of life. Fatty Factor: You’ve already walked inside a McDonald’s, what do you care?
How to play: - Start drinking with your friends at home, then go out. - Get to the bar and hone in on your desired target. - Stare the bartender down from across the bar, make sure he knows you’re on to him. - With every move he makes, counteract with a disruptive bar tactic (yelling, smashing glass). You need to prove your dominance as the alpha drunk and let him know who’s boss. - Approach the bar with caution (he may be on to you with all the yelling). - Whisper your drink order so he leans in close. - When he leans in close, whisper “I GOTCH’YA” into his ear. - SLAP HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.
Let’s Get Baked: - Suffer through the shit storm that is McDonald’s customer service and order a McDouble. - If you’re lucky enough to receive what you’ve ordered, remove the paper wrapping. - Yell in a foreign language and hop over the customer service desk. - Approach the fry cook and confiscate their uniform. - Now you’re in disguise. Toss your McDouble into the fryer and wait 90 seconds until it’s done. - Pour as much salt as possible on your McDouble and eat in one bite while you run away from the restaurant manager. - Shit in the restaurant lobby and demand a free coupon.
The Game Ends When: You slap the bartender in the face and run away as fast as you can. Combine this game with the fried McDouble recipe for maximum marathon training.
Now that you’ve mastered a regular visit at McDonald’s, check up next week when we make a shake out of a 20-piece McNugget.
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News Happening Somewhere in the World Today, Probably Paul Mooney wrote this Many different news happened with all the different people in all the different countries today. In one country, there was the president who wasn’t a good president because he didn’t represent the people the way they wanted, and now all the people are in the streets because they are angry. A lot of times people are in the streets because they are angry and poor. Because the people are angry and out in the streets, the president has to respond to them in one of two ways: democracy or tear gas. Usually it’s tear gas, but this time it might be democracy. But it will probably be tear gas. Money was spent; a lot of it, too! Some people spent a lot, because they have a lot so they can; but some people spent a little, because they only had a little so that’s all they could. In general, people are spending less because other people were spending less because they had less money, because other people weren’t spending, so everyone has less money, but now people might start spending more money so the people with a little money have a little more money to spend on things they need and the people with a lot of money have a whole lot more money to spend on houses and dog outfits and to throw at people dancing on big boats. A lot of people make laws. But some lawmakers make it so that no laws are made, and they make it hard for lawmakers who want to make lawmaking happen. These lawmakers make statements about the other lawmakers, like “they make laws that make things bad and they should not make laws anymore because they make me unhappy and we should make them not make laws anymore,” and the other lawmakers respond, “we should make those lawmakers not make laws anymore, because they just want to make people who make money make more money.” Then the original lawmakers say “those other lawmakers are trying to keep people from making money and that makes everyone unhappy so we don’t want to make the laws those lawmakers want to make,” so the lawmakers take a longer time to make the laws. Someone was probably shot today. People are shot on most days. There was probably someone who wanted drugs and someone else who sold them, but they didn’t get along so they shot each other. Maybe they did get along, but they were caught by the police and the policemen shot them because they were breaking the law. Maybe they did nothing wrong and they still got shot. A lot of people do bad things; a lot of people get shot too. One mean policeman is on trial for shooting someone who did nothing bad. “Obligatory semi-apologetic statement,” said the man in charge of all the mean and nice policemen, “uncertainty of how at-fault the police department is, covered by promise of justice and bureaucratic handling of unfortunate statement. Regret over unsolvable scenario; tepid hope for improving structural issue,” he continued. The new phone was introduced today. This phone is a lot like all the other phones, but this one is better because it is a little faster. It is also a little bigger. People like bigger phones, except for when everyone wanted smaller phones. But now, the big phones make people happy so everyone wants to buy the big phone.
The fat people with curly hair made another movie. Most of the movies are about doing drugs and then doing something else; this movie was the same, but the “something else” was different from the other movies so everyone wanted to see it. The people in the audience laughed when they saw it. “Hahahahaha,” they said when the fat man with curly hair smoked the drugs. “Tee hee hee,” they said when the other fat man got hit in the testicles. The sports happened today. Many people hit the balls to score points for their teams. A lot of games were played between teams that were named after animals; only half the teams won. Sometimes the people had names that other people liked like D’Brickashaw, or D’Cardio, or Darnell, or D’Arnell, or De’Asian, Doop-Boop, Doo-Wop, Deep-Sca-Dop-A-Dop, Deedly-Beedly, or Ding-Bong-ADong. Other times they had names like Jason and Michael. People are getting sick. People always get sick, but this time it’s worse. Sometimes when people get sick they sneeze and then snot comes out of them really fast. When they get a little more sick, undigested food or liquidy poop comes out of them really fast. The liquidy poop smells bad and makes more un-
digested food come out of them, and they feel even sicker, but then even more liquidy poop comes out of them and they are very sad. This time, blood is coming out of everywhere really fast from people’s bodies, and that’s about the worst thing that can come out of people when they’re sick. A lot of people have this in a place where they can’t really get help, and it’s very easy for people to get sick when they’re around other sick people, which makes the whole situation a whole lot worse, and everyone is a whole lot more sad. Everyone farted today. Seven billion people farted at least twice, with an average of four times. Yawns went up 5%, and people blinked a number of times that’s represented by a two followed by fourteen zeros. Everyone peed, too. 66% went in toilets. 32% went on the ground. 1.5% went in pants. .4% went in pools and the ocean, .08% went in a water bottle, and .0000004% landed in someone’s open mouth. Someone special also died. A lot of people died, but this person was a very special. He was born into a normal household/ he was destined to stardom. He got his big break when he was only seventeen/twenty-four/eight-years-old in the sitcom/movie/custody case that everyone saw and loved. He continued to make more movies/television shows/tabloid headlines about addiction for many years. Anyway, he had cancer/overdosed/killed himself/was killed by somebody else. Everyone was very sad, because his movies are very funny and he was a very nice person to the public. His friends mourned his death with a huge funeral that all the movie people get, and his fans mourned his death with television marathons, which is probably the best way you can remember someone who is most closely known for things that go on televisions. That’s some of the news today. There will be a lot more tomorrow! The news tomorrow will be a lot different from today, because the news is always different everyday. Sometimes similar news happens, but it’s always a little different, which is why the people still read the news. Some people don’t read the news, so they don’t know all the little different particulars of the things that happen everyday. But now you do. For today, at least.
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THE SIMPSONS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 3) The owner of the Kwik-E-Mart, last name. 7) The twins in Bart’s class, with purple hair and pale skin. 11) The family’s pet cats.
13) The family’s pet dog is whose Little Helper? 14) Skinner 15) The spokes-mascot for Duff Beer.
DOWN: 1) The Sunday School teacher, Ms. What? 2) The youngest of the Simpsons. 4) Ned Flanders’s deceased wife. 5) The cool elementary school bus driver. 6) Sideshow Bob’s Italian wife. 7) The last name of the owner of Moe’s Tavern. 8) The cartoon cat and mouse, two words. 9) Springfield Chief of Police, two words. 10) Mr. Burn’s personal assistant. 11) The town The Simpsons takes place in. 12) Lisa’s instrument of choice.
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the WEEKEND BACK HOME madlib
CLUE BANK
After all the parties on ___1___ and the constant attention from the dude in my ___2___ class and the T.A. with the big ___3___ in my ___4___ class, I just needed to get away for awhile. So I borrowed my roommates ___5___ and headed back home to ___6___, to see what the young ___7___ are up to and sleep in a real bed. But when I got home, my room had been turned into something out of a ___8___-music video, and I quickly shut the door. I instantly hit-up ___9___, my old friend who I knew would have some dank ___10___ that I so suddenly needed. We met up at ___11___ and everything felt like I had never left. I told him/her about college, how I’ve drank ___12___ of flavors of Burnett’s so far and that I’ve realized ___13___ is my favorite of all shitty beers. Then, per tradition, we went to ___14___ and laughed about how we couldn’t tell if ___15___ was fat or pregnant. The next morning I woke up on the couch, with the local ___16___ news on, and my parent’s new ___17___ puppy taking a poo on the floor. I looked over and all my clothes - dirty or not - were cleaned and folded on top of my bag. I walked over to the kitchen to grab a box of ___18___ and to make a pot of coffee, which I noticed was already made. God, parents are so adult-like. I sat down and sighed at how pleasant and relaxing it was to be at home, without ___19___ on the 2nd floor screaming ___20___ lyrics at 4 a.m., or without ___21___ down the hall pounding on my door to shotgun ___22___s to ___23___ before we hit up a frat party. But I knew it was time to head back to ___24___ when I heard strange noises from inside my old bedroom. That’s when I noticed 50 Shades of Grey on the kitchen counter and thought, “Isn’t that book so two-years ago, anyway?” and remembered why I hated my antiquated town. I gathered up my clean clothes, wrote my parents a note expressing how glad I was they were enjoying being empty-nesters, and hit the open road.
1) Campus street 2) Required class 3) Body part 4) Blow-off class 5) Luxury car 6) Hometown 7) Your high school’s mascot 8) Heavy metal artist 9) High school stoner friend 10) Weed slang 11) Your old weed-smoking spot 12) Number 13) Cheap beer 14) Old munchies spot 15) Old female acquaintance 16) Basic cable channel 17) Type of dog 18) Kid cereal 19) Slutty girl 20) Pop star 21) Bro-y bro 22) Shitty beer 23) Even shittier EDM artist 24) College town
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