The Black Sheep
FR EE ... fa like nc th y re e s st ilver au ra wa nt re s. at
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @UKBlackSheep
Volume 1, Issue 7 • 2/21/13 - 2/27/13
God Help Us All:
Revisiting UK’s Dry Campus Policy Jackie Danger wrote this On January 30th our bizarre, straight-laced cousins at the Kentucky Kernel announced that President Eli Capilouto is currently in the process of reevaluating UK’s alcohol ban, potentially ending a 25-year legacy of hushed smuggling, frenzied RA crack-downs and general drunken tomfoolery. And though The Black Sheep prefers to refrain from being overtly political -- we tuned in, turned on and dropped out ages ago -- we still commend President Capilouto for being clear-headed, open-minded and even-handed while considering UK’s future status as a dry campus. Because as it turns out, everyone else is going bat-shit crazy over the idea. Unsurprisingly, students across campus are euphoric over the news. The idea that booze is now, potentially, no longer utrem non grata on UK grounds has sent several students into frenzied hysteria, declaring that it’s about-goddamn-time that campus officials smartened up. Of course UK students have a penchant for over-the-top, if not premature, displays of passion - 2009’s campus tobacco ban was greeted with a circus of libertarian speeches and flagrant smoking, while last year’s NCAA victory was received with a certified, city-wide riot. But unfortunately, the proposed reforms don’t really entail the trouble-free, booze-soaked paradise students envision; even if campus rules change the state laws, sadly, will not. Alcohol laws pertaining to minors still apply. And since 93% of kids living in dorms are still under 21, 93% of kids will still be subject to the same obnoxious harassment from cops and RAs we all know and love. Obviously as a respectable, community-minded corporate entity, The Black Sheep doesn’t condone underage drinking. But we’re guessing that the remaining 7% of students who’re of legal age and still live in the dorms might not be the biggest partiers, so in essence the proposed policy change means bunk for you and us. It’s not just students, however, who are getting worked up over the issue. Diane Lawless, our 3rd District city council representative, has expressed her solidarity with students, noting that permitting alcohol on campus is “much safer than the way it is now” and that in the end “let’s face it, students are going to drink.” The councilwoman’s support for our dorm boozing is certainly appreciated, but her political interest shouldn’t be ignored, either. Long-term residents of the campus area absolutely hate us kids who rent places in “their” nearby neighborhoods, and unlike us derelicts, they actually bother to vote. Which means that Ms. Lawless is more than happy to push us (and our goddamned partying) out of the city and back onto campus. It was Lawless, after all, who proposed strict legal restrictions on
In defense of the OverlyLoud Headphones Kid
They're just sick of listening to all the BS going on around them.
page 5
how many “non-related” persons (aka students) can live in a rental house off-campus. Thanks a million, Diane! In whose basement are we going to cage up our writing staff now? Yet while Lawless may want to push our drinking out of her neighborhoods, UK Police Chief Joe Monroe is apprehensive about letting alcohol ruin his campus. Worried about seeing “an increase in crime” under his jurisdiction, Monroe has been a tepid opponent of the proposed measure, which is in many ways understandable. Obviously UK Police aren’t thrilled about the idea of even more wasted freshmen stumbling around campus. But if we all agree that students are going to drink -- and we all claim that students safety is our foremost concern -- then squabbling over who has to deal with the occasional belligerent drunk doesn’t solve anything. But while the UK alcohol policy has been a problem for some, it’s proved to be an opportunity for others. Enter Scotty Stutts and
what'’s inside
Ryan Mosley, two enterprising UK students who have seized the opportunity to organize an entire Student Government presidential campaign over the issue. With a dry campus as their preeminent agenda item, Stutts and Mosley stand to gain a lot from keenly appealing to the only campus issue that can inspire UK students to actually vote. Of course the promise is somewhat dubious -- the student body president’s major power is the only one voting seat they occupy on the 20-person governing Board of Trustees. But The Black Sheep applauds the effort, and we wish them the best of luck in fighting the system, however futile. This may mean that the historic decision to reevaluate the UK alcohol policy is really the biggest non-news news item of the semester. However this campus drama resolves, nobody really seems poised to come out satisfied from this. And with that happy note of optimism, we at The Black Sheep wish President Capilouto the best of luck. Nobody said this job was going to be easy…
Top 10: Things Professors say
Bartender of the week
page 6
page 11
Blah, blah, blah, and other stuff that sounds like blah, blah, blah.
Andrew has become a much wiser man from working at The Movie Tavern.
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4: Of Sex and Insects: A Cautionary Tale of Social Networking In Class
page 4
surfing the web can be tricky, this sorta thing could happen to anyone!
page 4: from the streets If you could party with one celebrity, who would it be and why?
page 9: UK English Department Aims to Increase Staff Pedantry
Table of
rules, rules, and more rules... remind us what's so great about the English Department?
page 10: Iron Laden to Kitty Maidens: Monopoly's Strives for Gender Equality A new Monopoly game piece means steps in the right direction for women.
pages 12-13: Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is What do our Recipes for Disaster really taste like?
page 9
14� Large 1-Topping Regular Crust Pizza ONLY $7.99 (plus tax and delivery)
COME TRY SLICE OF CHICAGO TODAY!
Sunday - Monday: 4pm-11:45 p.m. Tuesday -Saurday: 4pm-1:45 a.m. (859) 381-8700
N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK
ETING | PROMO
APPLY ONLINE AT
G ! TIONS |
SALES
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
page three p e e h S k The Blac pp
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
A e l i b o M
S | PARTY PECIAL S AR B SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE iPHONE APP
GAMES RINKING PICS | D SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE ANDROID APP
Sexy Anagrams
When Melissa said, "Get in my box," this is not what she meant.
(Want to become famous next week?) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Hay Burp Rim
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
SEX HUT IRON JUT last week’s answers
Malin Akerman & John Legend
word of the week Egocentrick:
A delusional personality trait in which a loathed person perceives themselves as popular. “When Kaylee invited herself to Jason’s party after he called her a bloated sea whore, we knew she was egocentrick.”
page 4
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you could part with any celebrity who would it be, and why? "Kanye West... cuz I'm tryna mack on his baby mama and he has really good style."- Derek L., Senior
Of Sex and Insects: A Cautionary Tale of Social Networking in Class Shauntionne Mosley wrote this (Editor’s note: The following story is, regrettably, based on real events in ENT 395) What dummy actually agrees with their academic advisor about taking a random entomology class to help them hit that crucial full-time student status? Oh yeah, that’s right… you do. But not to worries, reader -- getting stuck in less-than-stellar gen-ed classes happens to all of us. Plus it’s not like you’re paying attention to your professor anyway. Nope. You’re doing what every other student does. You’d rather watch paint dry than take a single note, so you hit up your favorite social network. People can complain all they want about how annoying MySpace is or how nauseating LiveJournal manifestoes can be, but they’re absolutely crucial when you want to procrastinate. Who wants to hear about the mating habits of the praying mantis when you can cruise Facebook and find out that goody-goody from high school is having a kid with her boyfriends’ brother? What if your favorite celebrity who never tweets finally does and you miss it because you were supposed to be paying attention to the web weaving technique of the black widow? Students need time to check their social pages during class. If we did, what else would be left with? God forbid we should actually try and learn something from class. We may want to start being a little smarter with how we blow off lecture with our smartphones. If not, social networking can definitely go wrong, as The Black Sheep knows all too well. Imagine yourself in that criminally dull entomology class, holding onto your sanity with a short, under-the-desk visit to your friendly, neighborhood Tumblr. While your professor mumbled on about millipedes and manure you were reblogging cat GIFs and inspirational quotes you secretly don’t understand. Innocent enough. But suddenly the professor says something vaguely important-sounding, and like a good little Wildcat you stop scrolling and actually commit pen to paper,
"Zac Efron of course... so he can teach me all the dance moves in High School Musical." - Nicole K., Junior
not noticing that once you stopped scrolling you landed on that hip, “artistic” pornography blog that you like to uh… occasionally glance at. And suddenly there you are, oblivious in class while a GIF of two lovers bumping uglies is cycling over and over on your screen… just fucking… on an endless loop… for all your classmates to see. Luckily a casual glance at the phone brought your attention to the sweaty action going down and quickly you grabbed the phone to shut off the filth. But you can’t shake that awkward, shameful feeling of being watched. That’s because you totally were. Looks like that one kid with the chronic acne outbreaks was totally scoping out your phone the entire time! He smiles at you slickly and turns back towards that excruciating fruit fly PowerPoint, but he knows your secret and knows your shame. You didn’t pay attention, kiddo, and social networking came up and bit you in your witty ass. This kid is just walking around campus somewhere, harboring your dirty secret like a perverted gem. He’s probably fapping in his dorm right now to your used-to-be-private fascinations. It’s like he knows where every stretch mark, hair, and oddly shaped birthmark is on your glorious body; he now knows you in the worst, most shameful way. We would tell you to go ahead and give the dude your number since this embarrassing experience has cosmically bonded you two for life but half of your knowing classmates were creeps to begin with -- we just assumed he’s already found your number. And as you wait for his phone call you should probably work on damage control and get that restraining order filed. But let this be lesson to you: social networking during class can be a student’s life-saver, but we need to start being a little more cautious with what we’re checking out, and more important, mindful of who’s checking us out while we’re doing it. Would you rather keep up with the viral world or get caught watching porn by some raspberry-faced weirdo that wants to do unholy things to your body? It’s up to you.
"Charlie Sheen, he's my idol. #winning #tigersblood" - Taylor C., Sophomore
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
In Defense of the Overly-Loud Headphones Kid Mary venuto wrote this
The
page 5
Top 10 things professors say There’s a stereotype of your average college professor: A wound-up guy, overworked, with silly rules and a passion for minutiae. Well, stereotypes exist for a reason. These guys may look the same, and what comes out of their mouth is similar as well. 10.) This will be exactly how the tests look: When a professor says this, be prepared to get slapped across the face with an astoundingly difficult exam. At first you may think they are telling the truth, but you learn. You learn not to believe another word that horrible professor says. 9.) I know I’m preaching to the choir here: About what? The importance of coming to class? Well, we’re not really here by choice, seeing as we have two absences per semester. The only phrase that’s worse is… 8.) I don’t take attendance but if you don’t come to class, you’ll fail: Right. You post the notes and all the homework is turned in online. Please tell us how horribly we’re going to fail again? This is a professor’s way of keeping you from your precious beer. 7.) We don’t have a final in this class, but we do have an exam during finals week: An exam? During finals week? Doesn’t that classify as a final? We know you’re the professor and we are the students, but really? How dumb do you think we are? 6.) Homework is optional, but it’s in your best interest to do it: We're in college. Do you honestly think we're going to do homework for fun? Come on guy, this is just a random gen-ed class. No one cares. 5.) You’ll get your tests grades back next class: Hearing that is like hearing Ted Mosby say he’s giving up on dating. Not gonna happen. Professors are more scatter-brained than the students. It’s a surprise they even remember that we took a test. 4.) You can email me if you have any questions: Thank you. It’s very kind of you that you will answer questions about the homework… three weeks after it was due.
You hear me on the other side of the hallway. Shit, you probably hear me across campus. From far away it sounds like aggressive white noise. As I get closer you realize that you’re listening to some sort of melody. You roll your eyes as I pass you with my iPod in hand. That’s right. I’m the kid who blares music out of their headphones. You hear me bumpin’; I see you hatin’. But in the spirit open-minded dialogue, let me explain what’s really going on here. I can promise you my annoying habit serves a higher purpose.
3.) I’ve put a practice exam online that will be helpful for the exam: Student taking practice exam: “Wow this is pretty easy! I totally have this.” Student taking the real exam: “Holy fuck! This was nothing like that practice exam! I don’t even know what a string theory is!”
Now I know it’s obnoxious when it’s 8 a.m. and you’re forced to listen to what I’m jamming to, but people, I’m a person too. Albeit a person with bad hearing… but with needs nonetheless. Hopefully you can respect this, as you are a human being with unique desires as well. My morning ritual merely consists of more house music than yours. You drink coffee and I listen to Skrillex to jump start my day. We’re one in the same, err, sorta. Instead of listening to sorority girls talk about how they gave up calories for Lent, I drown out the ignorance with Fleet Foxes’ “Mykonos” so I can keep my blood pressure at the optimal, healthy level. High blood pressure leads to heart disease and heart disease is the leading cause of death in the United States. Can you see where I’m going with this? In order to give up heart disease for Lent, I need the volume to be on full blast. Before I go to my dreaded “Politics of Law and Courts” class, I listen to “Vamos a la Playa” to get to my happy place. Without the ringing in my ears from listening to my music so loud, the first fifteen minutes of class would be unbearable. Do the rest of you seriously just jump right into class all gun-ho for engaging academic achievement? Personally, I like to ease my way into lecture the same way someone eases into a hot tub. And since I can’t bring a Corona and lime to class, the vibrations coming off my headphones help me do just that. Some of you may be wondering “If I can hear your music then what’s the point of having headphones?” And there’s my little secret, folks, my headphones aren’t for keeping the music in. It’s for blocking out the bullshit buzzing around me. Rambling professors, gossiping sorority girls, freshmen who haven’t learned how to handle their hangovers yet -- it’s not me, it’s all of you. However, if you all want to start a fund to buy me headphones that don’t leak sound then, by all means, be my guest. So score one for this “open-minded dialogue” stuff. Sure, this might have been more of a “one way street” dialogue since I couldn’t hear any of your responses, but I’m hoping that this newfound understanding will help you tolerate my behavior a little easier as I slowly work on tolerating yours. You people with your talking, breathing, and general noises humans make… I can’t stand it! And if you still can’t stand to listen to the incessant humming either, then maybe you should invest in a pair of headphones for yourself. Or do like I did before headphones and play music through my phone's speaker, blissfully ignoring everybody else! Don’t knock it ‘til you try it. You can thank me later.
2.) The exam will only cover stuff we talked about in class: Okay cool. That means we just have to look over our notes a few times and…OH MY GOD! This is English class, why do we have to do math?! This is not something we went over in class! 1.) I’m a horrible artist: Oh, sorry. We thought this was art class. You’re telling us that drawing ISN’T your expertise? That atom you just drew… this is all your fault, everything! Global warming, unrest in the Middle East, Twilight. This is all your fault, atom!
tbs staff wrote this
[PartyPics]
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
Now Offering Hard Hat Tours 7 Days a Week! Call our office today and schedule your appointment!
W E N D N A BR UG. 2013 OPENING A
! y a d o T t u O s U k c Che
Leasing@TheCollegiateKentucky.com
It’s All Included!
1,2,3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS WASHER AND DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT
STATE OF THE ART CLUBHOUSE WITH POOL & HOT TUB TANNING BEDS 24/7 FITNESS CENTER STUDY AREAS AND MUCH MORE!
TheCollegiateKentucky.com (877) 781-7138
NOW LEASING FOR FALL 2013! Waiving ALL application & deposit fees. Reserve your spot today for the ultimate place in student living!
STOP SLEEPING AROUND...
LIVE @ RED MILE VILLAGE
1051 Red Mile Rd. Lexington, KY 40504 859.455.8208 Apply online TODAY at www.redmilevillage.com
The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY: $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
Happy Hour Mon-Sat 2-7PM!
Thursday! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells, $3 PBR Tall Boys, and $2 Barrel Brew Drafts!!
SUNDAYS! $1 Two Key Lager Pints Showing The Walking Dead on the big screen at 9!
THURSday 2/21
Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!
Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!
College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $2 Barrel Brew drafts, $4 Fireball, LIVE MUSIC!!
Punch Out Thursday! $10 Punch Out DJ Prof
Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music
Happy Hour 8-10pm $2 Wells!! All Night: $2 Tequila shots, $3 PBR Tall Boys! Enjoy one of over 101 Bourbons at our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar!! FREE COVER!
NO Cover! $3 Patron Cafe & Jack Honey Crown Maple Promo
Happy Hour 2-7pm! $6 Pitchers of Bud 12-6pm, Live Music
Open at noon for all college sports! $5 Bloody Marys and Mimosa's, $2 Domestic drafts and $6 Domestic Pitchers for all UK Games! Live Music starts around 9:30, Free cover for the ladies!
ESPN Game Day Saturday NO Cover $2.50 PBR tallboys $3 Jack Honey shots
$1 Two Key Lager Pints Showing The Walking Dead on the Big Screen at 9!
FRIDAY 2/22
Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots
SATURDAY 2/23
Say it ain’t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm
SUNDAY 2/24
Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers
Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)
Sunday Funday! $2 Domestic drafts, $5 Build your own Bloody Mary Bar and FREE WINGS! $4 Fireball ALL DAY!!
MONDAY 2/25
Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm
Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers at 10pm
Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please call 859.327.3333
Value Menu Monday $1 Drinks $1 Two Key Lager Pints
TUESDAY 2/26
Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single!
Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm
We open at least 1 hour before ALL UK games!! $2 Domestic Drafts during the game and $3 Gatorade shots!!
Two Keys $2 Tuesday $2 drinks, $2 Domestic Pints Goldfish Racing DJ Rain
WEDNESDAY 2/27
$6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
Happy Hour 2-7pm $5 Pitchers, $6 Quesadillas at 7pm
Bluegrass Wednesdays!! FREE COVER, LIVE BLUEGRASS @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, $4 Fireball Shots!
$5 Pitchers Bacardi Game Day Crew giving out free goodies during the game!
page 09
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
UK English Department Aims to Increase Staff Pedantry G. Jordan Johnson wrote this The upper echelons in the College of Arts and Sciences are pushing to cultivate new levels of frustration amongst English students after holding “think tanks” on how to further drive a wedge of disparity between students and department staff. They’re citing desires to “really express what the English department is about”… and “show students that tedious writing and reading assignments are essential to earning a degree.” A department spokesperson expressed interest in “allowing department staff the freedom to channel their authority on worthy additions to the zeitgeist…” through meticulously dissecting texts that are determined to be of greater significance than others. Despite UK tuition rates at an all-time high, along with premium-priced questionably-authoritative books becoming the new norm, the English department feels its students aren’t experiencing “stress levels representative of that found in the real world;” perhaps ignoring the face that the “real world” for English graduates is more “suicidal” than it is “stressful.” One department member stated that “we’ll be turning our focus to the curricula. We’ll be encouraging our staff to increase the number of dated novels and composition guidebooks they require for their classes.” By giving staff the idea that assigning 10+ texts for a single class is acceptable, not completely inconsiderate nor crass, the UK English department hopes to decrease its numbers and return to a smaller core, ultimately returning to its former exclusivity.
“We want to be more like the School of Engineering…” said one attendee. From a different end, the English Department aims to keep students from getting “chummy” with their mentors. The whiteboard left from the think tank, inked with a mixture of sophomore tears and Nathaniel Hawthorne’s blood, displayed ideas such as “respond to emails as though it’s inconvenient for you”…and “ensure students know you’re the authority on inflating weak ideas.” One suggestion made during the think tank, from an associate professor who wished to remain nameless (hence the English degree), encouraged “grinning ambiguously during student discussions” to make it obvious that their academic offerings are “trite and feeble.” One student, when questioned on his position regarding the new motives, stated that he “saw it coming when one member of staff blatantly denied the position of Charles Bukowski in the Western canon.” He went on to say “it was heartbreaking, you know? Here’s a person who is supposed to acknowledge the endless beauty and importance of literary works, yet they couldn’t see Bukowski’s appeal.” The student paused for a moment, pinning his melancholy on the “existential crisis” he was enduring as a “would-be member of the [English department’s] ranks.” ”It’s as though I don’t know what to feel anymore… I’m not one of these people. I don’t believe my speck-of-dust existence is significant the
way they do. [sic]” The English department has yet to announce an official start date for their new mode of operation, noting that “[they’ve] been planning and enacting these new behaviors for some time now.” Another spokesperson for the department revealed that they’re currently working with overpaid consultants to hone the new pedagogical scope, aiming to give the appeal that “most of the English department staff members don’t have an anus.”
! Prices r, e w e o B L e d m n Aweso asty Wine, a T
THE PARTY STARTS HERE!
HAPPY HOUR EVERYDAY FROM 3 - 7PM
with Buy One, Get One Pints and 10% Off Growler Fills
HIP, TRENDY, TOTALLY AFFORDABLE ! 325 Woodland Avenue
561 S BROADWAY ROAD • LEXINGTON • (859) 317-8733 LOCATED AT THE LEX APARTMENT COMPLEX
859.309.1310
Coming Soon! SHOP ONLINE at www.bluetiquecheapchic.com
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Iron Laden to Kitty Maidens:
Monopoly’s Strives for Gender Equality
Sammie Sea wrote this Think back to your childhood game cabinet. Among the dried clumps of Play-Doh and dust bunnies lies the longest and most frustrating game in history: Monopoly. Not only does the game force the ideas of big business and outrageous taxation onto children, but you can never finish the damn thing! It’s doubtful that anyone has ever truly won this game. And even if they did, they were probably the banker, and should go to jail for embezzlement of funds. This begs the question, who the hell is still buying this game? At this point, everyone pretty much has an old board lying around their parents' house. Re-circulate those suckers if you want to have a shitty game night. Hasbro still sees profit in Monopoly, which is shocking in itself. But the fact that they're trying to revamp the game is just unnecessary. Recently, Hasbro held a poll on their Facebook (they have a Facebook?) asking people to vote on their least favorite Monopoly game piece. Among the options were the wheelbarrow, the boot and the iron—the true bitch pieces. Evidently, the iron was voted the least favorite by voters and got the boot, no pun intended. But what's even greater about the retirement of the iron is the introduction of the new piece, the cat. That's right, a cat. You know what that means? There has been a breakthrough in the feminist movement! Gone are the days of women begrudgingly being forced to play as the iron while their husbands dominate with the clearly superior piece, the racecar. Because really, whether it be for practical use or play, no man ever used the iron without suffering a severe blow to his masculinity. But that's all changed now. Women have successfully made the transition in the game world from dowdy housekeeper to single cat lady! There’s still the thimble that mildly represents the Betsy Ross sewing fanatic in all women, but let’s take this one step at a time here. The cat bears the same stigma as the iron. It's a woman's piece. So maybe the equality of the pieces hasn't evened out but hey, at least we're out of the kitchen, right? Along with the inherent characteristics
that come with being a feminist, such as the unshaven legs, bra-less chest and anger towards any gender roles that resemble “tradition,” also comes the harsh reality that you're most likely going to end up alone, taking comfort in your hourly meditations with your three cats. Unfortunately for women, we only have two options in life: devoted wife or single cat lady. Men can get away with being an eternal bachelor, but an eternal bachelorette? Your looks will only get you so far, ladies. But we say embrace it and relish in the triumph of another feminist piece inducted into the game of Monopoly. Apparently, as fate would have it, there seems to be a dispute about the legitimacy of the cat’s victory. There was a subsequent poll, after the poll to retire the iron, that had people vote on the new piece to be added to the game. Among the choices was a robot, a diamond ring, a helicopter, a guitar and of course, our beloved kitty cat. Many voters believe that the voting was rigged as the robot had a clear lead throughout the entire process. In all honesty, the robot seems to be the obvious choice among the five, but somehow the sly feline seemed to coax its way onto the roster. However it happened, Hasbro seems to be giving Monopoly a couple of facelifts to keep it relevant. Will there be a recount to determine the true victor of this polling? Who knows? Better yet, who really cares? Until someone makes up a Monopoly drinking game that utilizes that weird thimble piece as a shot glass, we're not buying it.
BAR SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE. Download
THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE APP
YEAH!
SCAN FOR THE iPHONE APP SCAN FOR THE ANDROID APP
Or Search Black Sheep Mobile
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week Andrew h. the movie tavern Where’s your hometown: Shreveport, Louisiana
make something good, and helping them have a better time with a buzz.
Do you have a nickname: Drew, roommates call me gypsy because I am from southern Louisiana and voodoo is down there… so yeah, not proud of that one. Has bartending taught you any life lessons: Bartending has taught me a few life lessons especially because people come up and tell you about all the mistakes they've made, because for that little bit of time you’re like their best friend and they just want to vent.
Worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do in a bar: Me and my buddy in Louisiana were sitting at a bar and a guy kept ordering food and hammering shots of tequila. We knew it was going to hit him, and a little bit later he threw up all over the bar.
Is bartending difficult: Bartending isn't difficult as long as you have fun; if you don't then it can be. Favorite part of bartending: Favorite part of bartending has to be getting that reaction on people’s faces when you
the drinking game: award season
Congratulations – it’s award season once again! The red carpets, the celebrities, the performances… the list of nonsense winds on and on. One of the most anticipated award shows of the season is of course the Oscars; however, one cannot forget the other events that are to follow. Such shows include The Country Music Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the TV Land Awards, the Tonys, the Bronys, and our favorite, the AVNs. What You’ll Need: Hard booze, cheap beer, and a bloated ego. Number of Players: As many as can fit around your crappy living room. Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and pre-rehab Mickey Rourke How to Play: - Decide beforehand on the nominees whom you think will win or whom you want to win. - Take a drink anytime someone is asked who they are wearing. - Take a shot anytime a celebrity shows up without their partner. - Anytime someone you pick wins, choose one person to take a shot. - If your nominee loses, chug for five seconds. - Take a shot every time a winner thanks god. - Waterfall for the first 30 seconds of each tribute. - Take a shot anytime a winner is cut off by music. The Game Ends When: People have an existential meltdown as to the concept of award shows and worshipping celebrities… or people just stop paying attention because all the relevant awards have been handed out.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Favorite drink to make: My favorite drink to make is one I kind of threw together – vodka, peach schnapps, coconut rum, cranberry orange juice, pineapple juice and grenadine. The best thing about it is you can have a lot of alcohol and can't taste any of it, so you can drink a lot without feeling it. What drink do you order at a bar: Usually Budweiser, Maker’s or Jack and Coke… and I’ll mix it up with shots, but nothing too crazy.
recipe for disaster: Beercakes
As if pancakes weren’t already good enough, beer makes them even better. Pancakes and beer go together like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston; it just makes sense. Start your day off in the best way with some beercakes for that essential morning pregame. What You’ll Need: 1 can of your favorite beer, 1 teaspoon of salt, 2 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup of white sugar, 1/4 cup melted butter, 1 teaspoon of baking powder, and cooking spray. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you’re using light beer or not. Let’s Get Baked: - In a large bowl stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. - Add the eggs, beer and melted butter to the mix. Stir until mixture is blended; a few lumps is fine. - Heat a skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon the batter out over the skillet using either a 1/3 or 1/4 cup measuring cup. - When the beercakes start to bubble, flip them over until the other side is browned. - Pour your favorite syrup over the beercakes and eat ‘em while they're hot! They taste a lot better going down than they do coming up, so eat wisely.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
where your
mouth is Each week, under our Bartender of the Week feature, we publish a small article, “Recipe for Disaster.” In it, we outline a means of preparing drunk food that caters to your average student. Well, we decided just making up recipes was bullshit—real chefs taste their food! At least, that’s what Tom Colicchio tells us.
poptartilla Ingredients: Two tortillas, two blueberry Pop-Tarts, extra-crunchy peanut butter, strawberry jam Preparation Time: 6 minutes Flavor: 3.5 Texture: 4.9 Ease of Eating: 3 Ease of Preparation: 4 Ease of Clean-Up: 2.5
So here we have six recipes, both normal and bizarre, that have ran in that wacky feature. We had all of our full-time staffers try them, rating each six items in five categories scaled 1-5, 1 being the worst, 5 the best. Some were amazing, some ah-mah-zing, others, well, we’d tell you, but there’s still some puke left in the darkest recesses of our stomach.
Notes: -The Poptartilla turned out much better than any of the judges We found love. expected. Some questioned how the tortilla would mix with the processed Pop-Tart, others, whether the consistency would be too weird after a couple of bites. These fears were unfounded. The tortilla posed no threat, and the texture was spot on. - As the above pictures suggest, the Poptartilla is a visually stunning culinary masterpiece, sure to impress any wastoid foolish enough to accompany a The Black Sheep reader home to “watch Anchorman.” Beyond that, the tortilla offers easy eating opportunities. Not only does it look nice, it’s easy to shove down your throat, easier than his tobacco-stained tongue, at least. - However delicious the Poptartilla may be, it sure does poach one’s throat. A huge gravity bong rip always gives the late-night muncher a mean case of cottonmouth, and the peanut butter all but assures a choking hazard as it tries to slide down that dehydrated highway. - Sloppy drunks should be wary of preparing the Poptartilla. For maximum flavor, the tortilla should be warmed in a skillet, and the Pop-Tarts toasted in the...the toaster. Both of these present serious burning risks to those lacking full-body control.
ghetto fab chow mein Ingredients: Chicken-flavored ramen, two hot dogs, green onions, a red bell pepper, lettuce, tomato • Preparation Time: 13 minutes • Flavor: 2.1 • Texture: 2.25 • Ease of Eating: 4.5 • Ease of Preparation: 1 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Do you like ramen? Of course you do, you’re a college student, and it’s the best meal twenty cents can buy. Well, how about you throw out the MSG flavor explosion, add some of your precious veggies, a hot dog and spend twice as long coo…HEY! GET BACK HERE AND FINISH READING THIS HUMOROUS QUIP! - But really, the Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is almost certainly more trouble than it’s worth. An amateur chef has a hard enough time boiling water, sautéing veggies, and cooking hot dogs at the same time. Force
them to do this intoxicated, and all of a sudden, spending the last six dollars on a Jimmy John’s sub is a much better proposition. - The best use of Ghetto Fab Chow Mein is for wooing that lusty little beast you randomly made out with on the walk home. Visually, the noodles mixed with juicy red meat and a variety of veggies promises the promiscuous person a meal of a lifetime. Since everything tastes better drunk, (s)he’ll be fooled by the visuals. Your resulting visuals won’t be so bad.
inferno walking taco Ingredients: One can of chili, three small bags of Fritos, sour cream, lettuce, tomato, green onions, and mozzarella cheese Preparation Time: 4 minutes Flavor: 4.1 Texture: 4 Ease of Eating: 3.6 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 5
Notes: - Eating doesn’t get much easier than opening a bag that has food in it, putting more food in said bag, then eating food out of the bag. Ever see a commercial that claims “X” can be done if the user “just adds water”? Well, the Inferno Walking Tacos are the “just add water” of delicious food, minus water, plus fat and meat. - Once everything’s in the bag, you’re set. Think about it; if a drunk suddenly needs to up and run from the fuzz, WTF, right? no need to put anything in a bag, it’s already in a bag! And a bag in a bag?! College kids can’t afford that many bags. Need to throw it away? Just put the bag in a garbage bag. “But I thought you said I shouldn’t be putting bags in bags?” you say? Exception proves the rule, son. - The only real knock to the Inferno Walking Tacos is, the eater has to get down there and really find those Fritos. While the other ingredients taste good, the texture, sans-chip, is unpleasant. - If there was a diarrhea factor, this would get a 5.
Fluffernutter Cookies Ingredients: One cup extra-crunchy peanut butter, one cup marshmallow fluff, one egg • Preparation Time: 28 minutes • Flavor: 4.4 • Texture: 2.7 • Ease of Eating: 2.1 • Ease of Preparation: 2.5 • Ease of Clean-Up: 1 Notes: - Our Recipe for Disaster called for baking these cookies for fifteen minutes. For this to work, the cookies need to be portioned out to Oreo-sized cookies, or they will not bake all the way through in this period of time. -If you’re stupid enough to make four large cookies (see left), be prepared to have a… wait for it…sticky situation on your hands! Marshmallow fluff is sticky, so is peanut but-
ter. So is undercooked sugar. - We’re still not quite sure why egg is to be used in this. Does one really need a binding agent if there’s no flour and two sticky ingredients involved? (Note: The answer is no.) -The above failures aside, the cookie actually tasted pretty good, as peanut buttery and marshmallowy things are wont to do. One taster noted chocolate chips would be a wonderful addition. Sure. Why not?
bbq nachos Ingredients: Tortilla chips, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, green onions, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce Preparation Time: 3 minutes Flavor: 2.4 Texture: 2.6 Ease of Eating: 3.9 Ease of Preparation: 5 Ease of Clean-Up: 3.5
Notes: -The biggest compliment one can pay to BBQ Nachos is that they’re easy to make. Chips— hobos can afford chips—plus a few condiments, and one has a snack that is, well, not good, but edible. - Drunken peoples should avoid using dangerous appliances; this is fact. Sure, this rules out obvious enemies like the food processor and the Rotato, but there’s the always-dangerous oven. What if one falls asleep using it, causing a fire? Or burns their hand badly, meaning no masturbation for weeks? Well, the microwave is safe, but not for the food. We popped our BBQ Nachos in there for two minutes—about a minute and a half too long. The chips were hard and the cheese way overdone.
the lent buster Ingredients: Two blueberry Pop-Tarts, one pint chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, one Snickers bar, a handful of hot dog-flavored potato chips, a handful of original potato chips, chocolate syrup, two shortbread cookies, one cupcake, a handful of Cheerios, one can of Coke Zero, a handful of pretzels, ice, a splash of vodka. • Preparation Time: 7 minutes • Flavor: 1 • Texture: 0.5 • Ease of Eating: 3.3 • Ease of Preparation: 4 • Ease of Clean-Up: 2 Notes: - All those ingredients went in a blender for about ten seconds. The end result was a cold slurry of salty-sweet slop that looked and smelled like throw-up. - There’s an old saying about camels: A camel is a horse designed by engineers; the idea being, a camel is a bunch of good ideas poorly applied. If this analogy holds true, the Lent Buster is liquid diabetes created by malevolent assholes with early-onset Type 2
diabetes. Does a small item of food have more than 100% the daily suggested sodium or sugar intake? Throw that shit in there, son. - Though it was mostly a thick, grainy paste — ostensibly easy to consume — the Lent Buster scores low marks for being so visually and olfactorily disgusting. It was like drinking an ugly hobo milkshake. - When drinking the Lent Buster, one could chew on wet potato chip. It was not pleasant.
Hard cheese, not pleased.
- We re-cooked a smaller batch for 45 seconds, and this batch of BBQ nachos were good, which is the apex of this snack’s potential. Do you like salty things? Sweet things? Cheesy things? Congratulations, so does everyone else! The line ends around the forever.
the seek and find
Can you find all the items on this messy-ass desk?
Send us where everything is to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com If you're right, you'll win something cool, like a Justin Bieber sex doll!
the wordsearch: comedians Dan Aykroyd Lewis Black Dave Chappelle Andy Dick Bill Engvall Jimmy Fallon Tom Green Chelsea Handler Gabriel Iglesias Penn Jillette Jimmy Kimmel Jon Lajoie
Bill Murray BJ Novak Conan O’Brien Amy Poehler Randy Quaid Don Rickles Sarah Silverman Daniel Tosh Tracey Ullman Dick Van Dyke Kristen Wiig Weird Al Yankovic
Meet The Staff campus manager William J. Smith
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Manager David Smith, Jeff Dyas
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Leo J. Weisberger, Mary Venuto Nicole Eliza, G. Jordan Johnson Shauntionne Mosley, Nicole Kelliher Jordan Johnson, Neal Querio
Founders The Brothers Smith, Jeff Dyas, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
distribution manager Kaitlyn Kamer, Jillian Boon
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Social media manager Olivia McCoy
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608.712.0900
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
find us at... Bourbon & Toulouse Bluetique Cheapside Campus Pub Cosmic Charlies Hugh Jass Paddoc Paulie's Pazzo's Smashburger Starbucks T-Bar The Lex Tin Roof Tolly Ho Two Keys Fusion Tanning Graters Ice Cream
Jimmy Johns Madmushroom Pizza McAlister's Deli Mellow Mushroom Raising Canes Red Mile Slice of Chicago OffThaHookah Arbys CD Central Goldstar Chili Jamba Juice Kennedy's Textbooks King Tut's Mediterranean The Paddock Bar Ramseys Shenanigans
Prince Hookah Lounge The Local Taco Wildcat Textbooks Business Restocking Newtown Crossing Royal Lexington University Lofts Red Mile 524 & 525 The LEX The Collegiate Campus Court University Village Park Hill Greek Houses! On Campus Building! SO MUCH MORE!
Owned & Operated By:
Black Card Media, LLC
2130 W. Potomac Ave., Suite 1, Chicago, IL 60622
six degrees
1
of separation think you know how tina fey and michelle pfeiffer are connected? email us at classtime@theblacksheeponlne.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a prize! how cool is that?
2 3
4 5
now leasing for fall 2013 OPEN LEASING CENTER NOW new student townhomes 843 South Broadway
uktownhomes.com UKTOWNHOMES.COM 843 s. 843 S. Broadway BROADWAY || 859.226.5625 859.226.5625