Vol. 3, Issue 7
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E WA ... LIK LKI E CH NG TO T EST PA HE 3 INS RD AFT FLO ER OR .
2/27/14 - 3/5/14
5 WAYS TO LURE UK STUDENTS TO CLASS IN THE COLD TAYLOR CARDEN WROTE THIS The last time you braved the cold to get to class your left testicle froze solid and fell off in the Funkhouser parking lot. One’s going to class until spring, which is so far away we might actually see Jarrod Polson pry his ass off the bench before then. UK Professors have noticed the decrease in attendance this semester, and for fear of the university losing oh-so-preciousfunds due to low test scores (they get paid whether you go to class or not), they’re scrambling for ways to fill the vacant seats in their classrooms. Since at this point it seems like it’s going to be cold forever, The Black Sheep put together a list of potential ways the university could lure us out from under our warm, womb-like covers and get us going to class again. Fingers crossed President Capilouto is an avid reader. CLASS CATERED BY RED BANG BANG: You might actually feel motivated enough to put on pants and go outside if there was free Chinese food involved. Most of us have refrigerators stocked with ramen noodles and week-old mac n’ cheese with fuzzy green mold on top. Going to class and receiving several scoops of all-you-caneat Bang Bang Chicken seems like a fair enough trade off. WET CAMPUS SWAG: Chemical engineering makes so much more sense when you’ve got your favorite organic compound
flowing through your veins. Imagine your classmates pouring you LITs, the classroom smelling like grenadine and fermented fruit, and taking a body shot off of the Class-4 hottie who always asks to copy your notes. After tossing back a few tequila shots, you’re definitely willing to ponder the makings of the universe, discuss why Flappy Bird is a multimedia sensation, and analyze why Louisville fans are a necessary human evil. NAP TIME COUNTS: You sleep through your anthropology lecture anyway, but now your beauty sleep routine would count for points on your exam., You’d wake up at 7:50, get to class by 8, and then sleep another half hour until 8:30 — that’s half a letter grade right there. Extra credit for wearing your blue flannel pajama bottoms to class. ALLOW GUEST LECTURES HOSTED BY UK CELEBRITIES: If Ashley Judd were teaching you about the stock market, you would damn well learn everything there is to know about NASDAQ. If Stone Cold Willow wanted to talk to you about amoebic dysentery, you sure as hell would show up early, pay attention, and ask relevant questions just to watch him squirm. Front row seat, please. OPRAH-STYLE GIVEAWAYS: If your name was entered into a raffle for a new Corvette (of the non-sinkhole variety) every time you showed up for class, would you ever sleep
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through your alarm? Yeah, we don’t think so. Students would receive prizes for not only showing up, but also for asking questions and pretending to learn. “Professor, can you tell me more about the economic fallout of the Holocaust?” Boom! You just won an iPad! “Professor, I came to class to-
day with the correct homework completed.” Bam! You get a paid vacation to the Bahamas! After all, we do pay thousands of dollars for professors to fail us. We should at least get a free coffee! If professors expect us to step foot in the
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JUST STAMP THAT SPRING BREAK BOD!
GO ON AND GET SWOLE, NO JOHNSON CENTER NECESSARY.
frozen tundra that is Lexington right now, they need to make going to class worth it. Until UK students get the chance to learn from supermodels, nap or pour shots midlecture, this cold is going to keep us out of lectures and staying home to look at supermodels and pour shots mid-nap.
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MARCH “MADNESS”
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DON’T CATCH MARCH MADNESS TOO EARLY, IT JUST MIGHT MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING CRAZY.
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Acting overtly religious when beneficial, only to revert to a traditional college lifestyle otherwise. Nathan would dutifully attend confession with his parents when home for the holidays, but being eventgelical, he’d confess to all the sorority girls he’d slept with while insanely drunk.
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JUST THE TIPS: Jump Start that Spring Break Bod! LUKE TROXELL WROTE THIS
Spring break is fast approaching and we’re worrying more about getting started on our spring break bodies rather than making up for our midterm failures. So, The Black Sheep is here to show you how to obtain the perfect spring break body, without having to step foot in the JC — yuck! Go on a Sex Binge: Now when we say “sex binge” we don’t just mean silently grind in the missionary position under the covers of your dorm bunk for 10 minutes, we mean get weird. Invite your girlfriend’s friends over for a group sesh, or ask a few strangers if they’re up for an orgy in the Hub. Don’t forget to check Craigslist and the fifth floor of Willy T. You’d be surprised how often people 5th floor Willy T are waiting for the mere mention of the words “gang bang.” Climb the White Hall stairs once a day: Until the weather warms up, we’d all rather chill outside on our stoops and kill Natty Lights. But what if we told you running the stairs in White Hall was the UK secret to obtaining the perfect spring break body. Those stairs are more of an uphill battle than the UK football coaches currently face on the recruitment trail. Just go to class twice a week and conquer that mountain; tell people you’re “exercising your body and your mind” and you won’t be dubbed The Biggest Loser in your spring break group. Go HAM in the eRUPPtion Zone: We haven’t had much to cheer for this year, but that doesn’t mean cheering like a mofo in eRUPPtion Zone isn’t a good idea to slim down before spring break. Check out highlights of the UK “Boogie Man” dancing to “Mony Mony” during the games. Rumor has it he was a Zumba instructor before he presumably had a mental breakdown and decided to dance at UK games, so he knows all the moves to help you slim down before spring break. Take a break when we shoot, free throws since we all know the Cats can’t handle any distractions. Eat nothing but Spicy Beef Wraps: Spicy Beef Wraps are the best thing to hit this campus since Lex-Eat-In added Tolly Ho to their list of restaurants they’ll deliver to your door. These South Campus delicacies will have your waistline looking spicy hot as you strut your stuff down the beach. Eating two Spicy Beef Wraps a day three weeks prior to spring break will help you lose 14 pounds, since they go in and clear you right out. They make you poop, a lot, is what we’re saying. Follow these get-slim-quick methods and you’ll be turning heads this beach season. You could just get yo’ ass in the JC like a sensible person, but that requires time, motivation, and a lack of Spicy Beef Wraps that we just can’t be bothered with right before spring break. Killing brewskis on the weekends and procrastinating all week is a full time job.
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Old Woman Finally Remembers the Name of That Guy From That Thing
MONSTER UNDERNEATH BED WISHES YOU WOULD WARN HIM BEFORE BRINGING OVER GUESTS Life as a monster under the bed is rough, especially with a rude roommate. Brawknor is an 8-foot tall demonic reptilian monster who hides underneath slumbering rich kids who don’t have any real things to be afraid of. His latest victim is Terry Dawkins, a sociology major with bad manners but a sick Maserati Ghibli. Whenever Terry happens to bring home a female acquaintance, he totally forgets to give Brawknor a fair warning.
Last week, 72-year-old Doris Etheridge was having trouble recalling a name while in a conversation with her grandson Nicholas. Things escalated quickly after Nicholas tried in vain to brush it off, saying that it wasn’t important, and she could just continue with her story. Mrs. Etheridge was having none of it. This was already the third time that day she’d forgotten a name, which totally threw off the flow of her storytelling. Nicholas tried everything he could think of to jog his grandma’s memory, but nothing was working. “She just kept
saying ‘he was that guy from that thing,’” said Nicholas.“I asked her to describe what he looked like. Is he a musician? Politician? A friend of yours? Do you know anything about this guy that could help us figure out his name?” Just as Nicholas had given up hope, Doris Etheridge focused harder than ever before, reaching into the deepest recesses of her mind to retrieve the precious name. “Dan Aykroyd!” shouted Doris. “That’s the guy!” She and Nicholas yelped with joy. They had just accomplished the impossible, and celebrations were
in order. After another short 45-minute conversation, they figured out that the thing Doris knew Dan Aykroyd from was his classic film, Ghostbusters II. Doris and Nicholas shared a laugh, knowing they had been through an experience so extraordinary, that their lives would never be the same. Nicholas told his grandmother how much he loved her, and Doris had to hold back her tears. She took a long moment, composed herself, and said, “That’s right, it was Dan Aykroyd. Now, where was I?” Scott G. wrote this
“So, it’s like, 3 a.m., and I’m fast asleep. You know, like everyone else,” said Brawknor. “I’m happily dreaming about haunting a little kid who just watched The Conjuring and then out of nowhere, I hear the bed squeaking. Right on top of me! Can you believe that?! I know Terry knows I’m there. I scare the shit out of him regularly. You don’t just forget about the undead creature whose presence causes panic attacks. Even I warn people before I just barge into
their rooms. I use my powers to give them terrifying nightmares and the constant feeling that they’re being followed.” Brawknor continued to vent his frustrations about Terry’s inconsiderate actions, saying that the whole problem could easily be avoided with a simple heads-up text. “Look, I know I’m
a monster, but I’m no cockblock. All he has to do is give me, like, a five minute heads-up, and I’ll go hang out down the hall somewhere. And another thing, his pillow talk is horrible. He’s so awkward it makes me cringe, and that’s coming from a murderous, satanic brute.” Scott G. wrote this
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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE LITTLE-KNOWN TURN OF PHRASE? re s h m a n Sa m a n t h a , F
“Life is tough, but so is steak. It’s my mantra because even though life (steak) is tough, it’s still amazing.”
hman Daniel, Fres
“Piss up a rope! It means go away. Now go piss up a rope!”
r John, Junio
“Caddywampus. It means all over the place.”
06
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
THINGS UK TOUR GUIDES DIDN’T TELL YOU ABOUT REBECCA ANDERSON WROTE THIS
Looking back, every Wildcat remembers the excitement associated with applying to and touring various universities, a journey that obviously led you to the University of Kentucky after Vandy waitlisted you. The campus tour here at UK is what really seals the deal for most of the incoming freshmen — seeing Willy T, the South Campus complex, and a culturally diverse tour guide, it’s impossible to resist. Yet for some reason UK tour guides never touched on these ten things while showing you around campus... 10.) The K Lot Trek: The tour guide merely mentioning “Oh, by the way, park in the K Lot and you’ll have to walk the length of a small state to find your car, then fight traffic just to go get Taco Bell,” and you would’ve saved your little freshman legs a lot of trouble. 9.) General Chemistry: The typical consensus is that MasteringChemistry homework assignments are literally from hell, so the tour guides should just avoid the run-around and usher everyone into communications right off the bat.
MARCH “MADNESS” CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS UK Junior Patrick Woodward leapt from his under his covers like a kid on Christmas morning. He ran to his window and whipped the royal blue curtains aside. Snow, inches of it covering as far as it he could see! Despite the white death consuming the world around him, Woodward couldn’t be happier. He took the marker lying on his desk and crossed out the first on his Kentucky Wildcats calendar, it’s the first day of the New Year, and for Patrick Woodward, March Madness has begun. Before getting in the shower, he took a second to look at his body. Months of hair growth had him looking like a cave man. This would not do. If Woodward wanted to successfully wear his bright blue morph suit he would need to be as hairless possible. After a two-hour shower, haircut and manscaping session he emerged from the steamy bathroom as bald and pink as he was when he got thrust into this world. Much like athletes conditioning their body to perform insane feats of athleticism, Woodward was conditioning to be slicker than the sidewalks on campus. He grabbed his lucky pair of UK boxers, freshly Febreezed, and slipped them on. They would be the only pair of underwear he would wear for the next couple of months, at least until Cal and his Cats secured another title. As his balls would so gently sweep along the seams, he hoped the ancient rhythm would provide enough magical basketball mojo for his team to bring it home. For breakfast he decided to skip the usual stale cereal at Commons, and dug out half a cold Mad Mush pizza and six pack of Natty from his fridge. A true meal of champions, Woodward would consume just this for the next several months so that his body would build up a tolerance, and
come game time, debilitating gas, heartburn, and bloating wouldn’t slow him down in the least bit. Over time he would graduate from a six pack to a whole keg in order to survive the triathlon of celebration immediately following the potential National Championship. Woodward dressed himself in blue and white from the tips of his toes to the top of his head and waltzed out the door. The insanity that accompanies Kentucky basketball had been building up inside of him since last March, and it had finally come to a head. Today was going to be the day. Woodward quickly made his way to Bleed Blue Tattoo where he had a date with a needle. Before making himself comfortable on the chair he threw all three of the hoops t-shirts he was wearing off and smacked himself in the chest. “Here, I want it right here!. As big as my body will allow!” he exclaimed. “You sure about this?” “I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life,” Woodward replied. After two hours his tattoo was complete, a feat of sure stupidity and dedication, a blank bracket adorned his smooth white chest. Woodward would wait until the tattoo healed completely for constructing his Final Four bracket in blue sharpie. “You know there’s still a month left until the NCAA basketball tournament starts, right?” asked the tattoo artist while he finished up writing “Kentucky” in the winner’s bracket. Woodward gazed off into the distance, “Every day is March Madness when you bleed blue.”
8.) Tuition is on an Upward Spiral: That account services bill on your MyUK page looks a lot larger than last year’s and it’s not because you’ve got double vision from all the KG. Your tour guide conveniently failed to mention that your right arm and leg would have to be sacrificed to pay your tuition. 7.) Off-Campus Shenanigans: “And right over there ladies and gentleman is Waller Avenue; home to many a druggie’s quarrel and several discharged handgun bullets… GoOoOo Cats!” 6.) Bike Cops: A little heads-up that Lexington bike cops swarm State Street, Waller, and University like hungry bees around a flower’s vagina would have been nice. More often then not you’ll hear, “Seriously, who is riding their bike at midnight on a Friday what a lose... Oh hi officer, nothing to see here. Please don’t arrest me, I’m pre- med!” 5.) Campus Parking: The parking around campus is not unlike checking your refrigerator every five minutes to see if anything worth eating has appeared. There’s only so many times you can circle Rose Lane and Woodland before you say “fuck it” and head to K Lot. 4.) Library Antics: Rumor has it that Capilouto paid hush money to the numerous foot stabber victims, and now all they can do to warn unsuspecting freshmen is radiate The Hunger Games whistle throughout Willy T on any given weeknight. 3.) Radar: Move over Scratch, the man who drives the big white van and DD’s drunk college kids for only a dollar a person should be UK’s mascot. On the other hand, a university tour guide telling high schoolers to get drunk and hop into a stranger’s white van might not sound right. 2.) The “Bowl”: There’s nothing more exciting than all the fraternities coming together with unlimited alcohol. Drunken turf wars, drunken make outs, and drunken tumbles down the now beer soaked hill. Wait... they said what about a dry campus? 1.) Student Center Soap Boxers: Warmer months mean more crazies coming out of the woodwork. The best way to enjoy your Subway on a nice day is to gather round and listen to some Westboro Baptist wannabe condemning you to hell. You can’t put a price on valuable information. So this spring, instead of flipping off those unsuspecting future Wildcats as they file into Blanding 1 and making you late to class, yell a few of these fun facts at them!
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Survivor Ratings Falter, More Boobs Is The Answer Hugh Jass wrote this
After the Survivor: Caramoan season finale hit an all-time low of a paltry 10.16 million viewers, producers decided that they needed to do something drastic to bring the show’s waning viewership out of a tailspin. But reenergizing a program that was faltering as it approached its 30th season was not going to be a cakewalk. After running through various scenarios that included tribes composed of pro athletes, deposed politicians, and washed-up singers, producers finally settled upon a format for the 28th season. The show’s development staff unanimously decided that there needed to be more boobs on prominent display. In order to do that while appearing politically correct, they divided the tribes by the traits of “Brawn, Brains, Beauty.” Unfortunately, the season premiere of Cagayan did not fare nearly as well as CBS analysts predicted, and it left producers of the show scrambling. “We really messed up on this one. There weren’t nearly enough boobs, and the Brain tribe was just plain awful,” said producer Jeff Probst. “Everybody hates nerds, that’s why we gave them all swirlies in junior high. I don’t know what we were thinking.” Probst, along with the other producers, put together a crack focus group to confirm suspicions of where they went wrong. Unsurprisingly their fears were correct, and the focus groups demonstrated that people cared least for the Brain tribe, with reasons ranging from “They ain’t got no nice titties on ‘em” to “If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” Probst and the producers had forgotten the golden rule of reality television: intelligence has no place in it. “People who watch reality television fall into two camps,” explained Probst. “The first camp is made up of people who want to laugh at the subjects and feel more secure about their lives. Take Jersey Shore for example. They look and those idiots and say ‘I might be a slut, but hey, at least I’m not as bad as Snooki!’ The second camp of people wants to see catfights and look at boobs,” Probst adjusted his crotch, attempting to conceal his enthusiasm. “Personally, I fall into the second camp, which is partially why we went the direction that we did.”
“If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” With Survivor being filmed in the summer and broadcast months later, altering the show was going to be an issue. However, all the participants were rounded back up to re-film, except for one group. “We completely took the Brain team off the island, and replaced them with models from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition,” a wild-eyed Probst claimed. “The season is also being rebranded with the three tribes representing Brawn, Boobies, and More Boobies. We figured we’d stop pulling punches and call a spade a spade.” Probst tapped six models from the 2014 Swimsuit Edition roster. Among the newly-added contestants is Kate Upton, two-time cover girl for Sports Illustrated. “We’re thrilled that we were able to snag her. Without her we would’ve really had some problems reaching our DD-cup quota, but she gave us a lot of headroom” Probst said, grinning from ear to ear. Probst is especially excited for Hannah Davis to be joining the cast. “She’s one of my favorites. Her body is perfection, and I’m very excited to be only feet away from her in a swimsuit,” he raved, excusing himself to the bathroom. Early polls are demonstrating that the show may nearly double its viewership when the new cast makes its debut. “We’ve been toying with the idea of having a live episode and there being a ‘wardrobe malfunction.’ The money we’ll reap in viewership numbers will far outweigh whatever fine gets stamped on us. This is off the record, right?” a very sweaty Jeff Probst asked. “I didn’t even realize that show was still on television, but if there is even the slightest chance that Kate Upton’s top might fall off I’ll be watching every episode,” said Sam Dean, a recent graduate. “Hell, I sat through all of Piranha 3D because there were some topless broads in it, I can deal with Survivor.” There will also be new challenges to capitalize on the new cast. “I’m really looking forward to the kissing contests, which I’m going to be judging of course,” Probst chortled. Season 28 will also see the addition of contests like a slow motion jogging challenge as well as bikini mud wrestling. However, the original Beauty team is not happy with the addition of the swimsuit models. “I was supposed to be salivated over. I was supposed to be the one everyone was talking about. Now they bring in all these models and I’m playing second fiddle,” scowled Morgan McLeod. McLeod is not alone, as many of the other members of the Beauty squad have complained as well. “I was brought here on the grounds that I would be able to flirt my way through the entire competition. Forcing me to use my other, less developed skills is completely unfair and not what I signed up for,” stated former beauty pageant contestant and current trophy wife Kelly Demming. Upper management at CBS was initially concerned that the addition of models to the program wouldn’t be catering to the female audience enough, but a short meeting with all the castmates changed that. “The girls really got into it at our first meeting, it was wild. There was hair pulling, screaming, the whole nine yards,” said Probst with a smile. “This is starting to become The Real Housewives of Survivor, and chicks love that type of garbage.” While it has become clear that Survivor is on its last legs, producers believe they can squeeze out a dozen more seasons with the new format. “We figure that as long as people are still tuning into TLC to watch 600-pound people try to live their lives, there is a place for Survivor on the dial. Especially if the show has lots of boobs. And exciting challenges, but mostly boobs,” said Probst as he grabbed a bottle of lotion and left the room.
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25% OF STUDENTS READING SATIRICAL PAPER TAKE IT SERIOUSLY STAFF WROTE THIS
“The problem with satire is that everyone takes you seriously. I said, ‘yeah guys let’s surrender to the Germans,’ and next thing I know people are laying down their arms. The next day the Nazis are marching in Paris.” – Charles de Gaulle
Biology Society and Environment sophomore Alex Johnston was ecstatic after leaving his Thursday afternoon lecture. He just couldn’t wait to tell his friends the news. Running home, he burst through the door and shouted, “Can you believe this!? The Jamaican Bobsled Team won gold at the Olympics, this is unbelievable!” Sadly, his friends didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was duped. “It was pretty funny to see how Alex was believing anything he saw in black and white. We couldn’t tell him he was reading a satirical paper,” Alex’s roommate Adam later told The Black Sheep. “Come on, we all know that Alex isn’t what you’d call the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, so it was funny to let him run with it.”
However, what would normally be a practical joke for Adam soon went down a slippery slope. “We started feeding Alex made-up news stories from the least credible internet sources imaginable, and this kid just ate it up.” Adam continued. “Like, we put an article on the fridge titled ‘Cops to Search Student Apartments With Drug Dogs,’ and Alex immediately flushed his pot down the toilet.”
Unbeknownst to Alex and his roommates, this trend is nothing new. Anthropology professor Jordan Nelson from the University of Kentucky said, “From the first radio broadcast of War of the Worlds to all the Facebook articles about Obama being a terrorist, people can be real dumbasses sometimes.” One satirical writer was able to tell The Black Sheep his dirty secret. “As a satirical writer I’m always asked ‘how do you quote President Capilouto?’” local satire writer David Notzirinsky explained. “Sadly they don’t realize you can put quotes around anything and say someone said it. Surprisingly, you can lie on paper the same way you lie to your girlfriend about not sleeping around.”
While 25% of people reading a satirical piece will not pick up on hyperbole, modern science is trying to address this problem. Satire expert Bob Larson said, “Oftentimes people don’t get that satire isn’t real. Hell I’m sure someone ate a baby after Jonathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal.” “I’ve developed a bullshit radar for readers,” computer science Senior Louie Treml said. “This amazing program will sense when bullshit levels exceed the normal Fox News levels and get to National Enquirer levels, or even The Onion levels.” While Louie hopes to bring this to market soon, the advanced technology found within it means the device is potentially years away from being available to the general public. “This product just can’t come soon enough for the masses. Lately we’ve seen that the general population can’t think for themselves,” Political science professor Brandon Summers said. He seemed very concerned with an alarming statistic adding, “I read just the other day that 5/4
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Americans have trouble with fractions.” “I think the saddest part about people believing anything in black and white is that I invented a country called ‘Hottadogstand’ in the Middle East. I then proceeded to write a political science
paper about their oppression of women and free speech and my professor wanted to publish my work.” An anonymous student said to avoid exposing academic dishonesty, “I just did it as a joke and she believed it even after making exorbitant claims.”
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Twitter: @DJGaryKlass Relationship Status: In a relationship
BARTENDER
Major: Marketing Favorite Drink: White Russians Favorite Shot: Jameson Disgusting Drink: Anything with gin.
ROCKSTAR
What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever seen someone do for a free drink?: I had someone eat a goldfish. What beer or liquor has changed most in popularity during your time working here?: Ever since Country Boy and all the local beers have been popping up, local beer has become popular.
OF THE WEEK Kerri of Two Keys es! er, nd Low Pric e B e m Aweso asty Wine, a T
THE PARTY STARTS HERE!
Physically, what animal do you most resemble?: Sasquatch
Is alcohol a drug, why or why not?: It’s a drug, it alters your state of mind. If you had to brush your teeth with a bathroom staple besides toothpaste, what would it be?: Baking soda. Did you know the phrase “barking up the wrong tree” is actually about a time when oak bark grew on a birch tree?: I know now! If you were a Greek god of something, you’d be the Greek god of…: Party. Is it hot in here, or is it just your daddy issues?: It’s my Nelly issues. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s the best, find out about local things going on. Vote for Kerri to be the DJ for the Beauxarts Ball beauxartsball. wordpress.com!
COME GET YOUR FADE ON at Ginger’s Barbershop! MEN: $3 OFF WITH THIS AD!
HAPPY HOUR EVERYDAY FROM 3 - 7PM
with Buy One, Get One Pints and 10% Off Growler Fills 561 S BROADWAY ROAD • LEXINGTON • (859) 317-8733 LOCATED AT THE LEX APARTMENT COMPLEX
HOURS:
MON. - FRI.: 9am - 6pm • SAT.: 8am - NOON 212 W Maxwell Street, Lexington • 859-254-4464
THE KEANU REEVES SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Keanu Reeves characters are from? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
FILM BANK
1) Point Break 2) Speed 3) The Devil’s Advocate 4) The Matrix 5) The Replacements
6) 47 Ronin 7) The Day the Earth Stood Still 8) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 9) Constantine
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the crossword ACROSS: 3) This company is famous for making baked goods and more, two words. 5) SJP played this Carrie on Sex and the City. 6) Sarah Drew plays this doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. 7) Darlene Connor of Roseanne’s real last name. 11) Sarah comedian who was married to Jimmy Kimmel. 12) Sara Quin is one-half of the duo featuring her twin sister named what? 13) Sarah Palin was governor of this state. 14) SARAH is a fictional smart house in what SyFy TV Series? 15) This famous children’s book featured Sarah, who was plain and what? 16) One of the most famous jazz singers of our time, Sarah who? 17) Sarah Ferguon is this kind of royalty of York.
famous sara(h)s late-90s dreamboat. 2) Sara Blakely is the founder of this popular women’s undergarment company. 3) Sarah, the private college. 4) This famous Sara had the 2007 hit song “Love Song.” 8) Sarah McLachlan founded this woman-friendly music festival, two words. 9) This Florida city’s motto is “Where Urban Amenities Meet Small-Town Living.” 10) Former Playermate of the Year and host of G4’s Attack of the Show!
DOWN: 1) Sarah Michelle Gellar married this
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the m.a.s.h.
oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.
The best man is… - Drake - Jay Z - Kendrick Lamar - Eminem
She got you a blinged out… - Rolex. - cat collar. - tapestry. - vintage Shelby Cobra.
The band at your wedding was… - U2 - Neutral Milk Hotel - Dashboard Confessional - Radiohead
His special gift for you was… - a brand-new elliptical. - 1% stake in the Dallas Cowboys. - a naked sculpture of himself. - a few bars of gold.
The celebrity priest was… - Lil’ Wayne - Coolio - All of the Wu-Tang Clan - Nas
They performed your first dance song… - “Sweet Caroline” - “D.A.N.C.E” - “Psycho Killer” - The Star-Spangled Banner
The maid of honor is…. - Nick Minaj - Missy Elliot - Chanel West Coast - Beyonce
He even got you a present! - A subscription to Entertainment Weekly. - A $150 Victoria’s Secret gift card. - A Milky Way candy bar. - A gold iPhone 5.
Your favorite moment of the night was… - Leaving. - Falling asleep on the wedding cake. - Seeing your maid of honor and the priest hook-up. - finally having a decent poop.