Kentucky - Issue 7 - 10/23/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 5

The Black Sheep

F corn ree! Li at y ke dr our iedGra out ndm can a's h dy ous e.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 7

PHASE EIGHT OF DORM DEVELOPMENT: EACH ROOM GIVEN XBOX ONE, HOT TUB Natalie Shofner wrote this

New dorms have begun to open at the University of Kentucky, offering Tempurpedic mattresses, rooftop gardens, and individual bedrooms. Students no longer have to deal with the struggles of Spartan living like the incoming freshmen of the past. No longer will frosh have to worry about the food they bought being stolen, or trying to have sex literally inches away from their roommate’s bed without making it awkward, or worry about being murdered in their sleep by their creepy roommate with the neckbeard who watches My Little Pony. No, these spoiled children will never know the true struggles of the freshmen who came before them as the University of Kentucky continues to cradle them in their new, luxurious dwellings. Now, thanks to a one billion dollar donation towards the housing development generously given by Microsoft, the school has worked out a deal for new dorms to replace the Kirwan and Blanding Towers in the fall of 2018. Last Tuesday, October 21st, President Eli Capilouto was happy to announce the new development in a press conference where he said, “thanks to a donation from Microsoft, we will be pleased to provide the incoming class in 2018 with our best dorms to date. These dorms will each be equipped with a brand-new Xbox One, a hot tub set to exactly 101 degrees, and 75” flat screen 3D TVs. We’re sure that these new additions will provide our students with the finest educational setting available. We hope it will help our students grow and prepare them for adulthood.” Further digging found that these dorms will also have an all-you-can-eat steak and sushi restaurant which will only cost one meal swipe per guest, stocked mini-fridges in each room, and once-a-week maid services. When asked why Microsoft decided to make the investment in the University of Kentucky, Microsoft spokesperson Keith Einhorn noted that many schools had turned down the offer due to Microsoft’s terms and conditions of donating, which require that each resident must get either an Xbox or a Windows logo tattooed on their ass. Microsoft is pleased with the University of Kentucky’s decision, stating that the university didn’t seem to care about the students’ wellbeing, as long as they would gain another record-breaking amount of freshmen to milk for millions of dollars for years.

The Black Sheep has seen our fair share of disgusting dorms. We once had to take a shower in Blanding Tower, before shortly after having to taking a decontamination shower. We spent time in the old Haggin Hall before they tore it down, which always smelled distinctly of a mixture of ass and gym socks (the natural scent of the eighteen– year-old boy). Even though we were never forced to live in one of the

decrepit buildings (our parents actually loved us and put us up in an apartment), we feel it is important for the budding freshmen to spend their first year of the most memorable time of their life in one of the shittiest living arrangements ever created. They’ll get a taste of the real world, because unless you are paying thousands of dollars a year to them, no one in the real world is going to give a shit about you.

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PROFESSOR RESORTS TO TEACHING LECTURE VIA YIK YAK

TOP 10: EXCUSES FOR FAILING MIDTERMS BECAUSE IT DEFINITELY ISN’T YOUR FAULT.

MOVIES MONSTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

TRYING TO CONNECT WITH THE KIDS HAS NEVER BEEN WEIRDER.

WE OFFER SOME CLOSURE TO THOSE THAT’VE SUFFERED FROM THESE SCARY MONSTERS.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

WRITERS Rebecca Anderson Luke Troxell

OWNER Atish Doshi

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

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A FEW MORE WAYS

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SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE BIG EARED MIDGET

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“WHAT HAPPENED TO MY POPSICLE?”

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK TRANSPOORTATION Any method of getting from point A to point B that requires the participant to do more than walk to his or her car. Recoiling in horror when his car didn’t start, Monty realized he’d have to take some sort of transpoortation to get to class.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

An ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation.

Made acting debut as Young Deb in Drop Dead Diva.

Has appeared in music videos by Sia, Alexx Calise and Todrick Hall.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

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SIGN OF THE TIMES

Professor Resorts to Teaching Lectures via Yik Yak Staff wrote this The growing popularity of the social media app Yik Yak is creating a stir on campus. Students will do anything to increase their Yakarma, the points earned through upvotes. But just like a senile grandpa at the dinner table, the squirrel jokes and overtly racist Yaks are causing a problem in lectures as professors are now fighting for the attention of their students . Much to their dismay, not even an increase in iClicker questions is helping. “ With iClicker questions, someone will post a Yak asking for the answer,” said sophomore Janice Olson. “The reply with highest Yakarma is usually the right answer.” The students are so well-practiced using the system that a 30-second iClicker question can be posted on Yik Yak and the correct answer upvoted within 20 seconds – or even as quickly as 15 if users are able to sift through the “my dick lol” spam posts.

How are professors aiming to combat the new phenomenon? “I try to keep class interesting by talking about things students are interested in, like weed and alcohol, but Yik Yak is too powerful,” said Professor Vasquez, who teaches ECO 102. During large lectures, students are constantly Yaking about what’s happening in class, quotes from the professor talking about pot brownies, that one girl wearing see-through leggings, a guy answering every question like he has a Ph.D, and those who aren’t able to ‘even.’ You don’t even have to go to class to learn what’s going on, you just have to check the top Yaks. “I haven’t felt this obsolete in my life since I was a grad student,” lamented Prof. Vasquez. The popularity of Yik Yak gave one professor the idea to change the format of her lectures. Mary Friedrich, who teaches Plant and

Soil Science 199, told her class that Tuesday’s lecture would be instructed entirely over Yik Yak. “I downloaded the app a couple days ago to see what the big deal is,” said Professor Friedrich. “Now I have 4,000 Yakarma and have subsequently lost all control over my life at the expense of seeing that beautiful upward arrow highlighted.” Friedrich says she got the idea from seeing so many Yaks about her own lecture. “I figured, if this is what students are going to look at, I might as well hop on the bandwagon.” Tuesday, October 21, was the first trial of giving a lecture through the app. “I’m limited to 140 characters, so each one is to the point. Horticulture is pretty simple... just plants and stuff,” said Friedrich. A slew of Yaks were posted all in a row by Friedrich, explaining the principles of plantiness. However, this sparked a war

between morally conflicted upvoters and downvoters. Some students in her class tried to upvote because lectures on Yik Yak meant not having to go to class. Other students, who didn’t know what was going on, thought one guy was spamming the app with irritating plant facts. Dozens of

reposts appeared all itching to hop on the Yakarma train. One user even went so far as to post false plant facts to confuse the students of PLS 199. “That’s when I decided this couldn’t be done,” said Friedrich. “Sorting through the incorrect plant facts and ‘BOREophyll’ posts would take too much effort.”

In the end, the Yik Yak lecture was an interesting experiment but failed painfully. “Some of the replies were somehow racist against plants,” said Friedrich. “Definitely a new low for the university. I don’t even want to mention what was said about the Clitoria Ternatea flower.”

WAIT, WHAT?

THE TOP TEN

Excuses for Failing Midterms The midterm is coming up and you’re failing EES 220. Momma’s gonna get pissed and cut you off. That means no more Thursday all-you-can-drink benders at Two Keys, unless you have an insane excuse that is just too crazy not to believe. You know we got your back at The Black Sheep with our top ten excuses for bad midterm grades. 10.) Stone Cold Willow wouldn’t quit running trains on your friends: Are you friends with a lot of snow bunnies? If you answered yes, then you can just tell your folks and they’ll surely look past your bad midterm grade. Every time you get ready to study, one of your friends texts you and says Willow has them cornered at Cane’s trying to show them what is really behind the secret sauce. Any caring mother surely will understand, especially if you showed her a picture.

CONFESSIONAL:

My Roommate’s A Vampire Staff wrote this

The following is a confessional interview of a UK student who wishes to remain unnamed: “I noticed something was wrong the day I moved in. It was midday and the room was pitch black; like, black black. I assumed, because it was so dark, that my roommate wasn’t there, but I hadn’t known that the rooms came with blackout curtains. I made my way over to the window and pushed open the curtains, shedding some light on the room. What I saw was terrifying. My roommate was crouched in a corner, under her bed, hissing at me. A legitimate hiss, like the sound your cat makes when it’s really pissed off or like the sound your snake makes when it’s hungry. She was dressed completely in black, from neck to ankles, and my side of the room was completely blocked off from her. But, things just got weirder. That night, she didn’t sleep. I heard her roaming around the room, searching through my things and making odd sucking noises. She was snoring obnoxiously, trying to convince me that she was sleeping, like the fake snoring that little kids do when they play opossum. Young men frequent our room, basically every night there’s a new one. She seems to be a master seductress, but the men always leave looking unnaturally pale and drained. She typically makes me leave for about five minutes, which leads me to believe that she isn’t using them for sex... unless it’s real quick and There’s no cuddling. She shows some weird obsession for toast. All

she ever eats is toast, and she’s very adamant about me knowing she eats toast. I searched through her computer while she was out at class and her history showed multiple searches for “human food,” which I guess is mostly toast. Problem is, she never eats it. She just sits in our darkened room, looking at me, licking the toast until I get uncomfortable enough to leave. I bought garlic to make stir-fry one time, and I put it in the fridge. The fridge is littered with V8 Splash juice bottles containing some thick, red liquid, which I’m going to take to being tomato juice for my own sanity. Anyway, she opened up the fridge to get some “juice” and then fell on the floor screaming and withering. I thought she was having a seizure, but I was too afraid to approach her. She sprinted away from the fridge as fast as she possibly could, jumped into her hammock bed, and continued to scream until I started frantically throwing the contents of our fridge into the hall. Needless to say, the garlic was removed. She has come to acquire a really nice camera that she takes selfies with. She never posts them anywhere and when I’ve asked, she says that it’s “really hard to take selfies with a Nikon,” but I know it’s because she doesn’t show up in pictures. She has a bunch of photos though, ones that are badly Photoshopped of families and pets. The best part? She isn’t in any of them. Every time she leaves for class, she covers herself in a thick, black cloak and takes an umbrella, regardless of the weather. At first I just assumed she was albino, but now I’m beginning to think otherwise. I bet it’s because she sparkles like a disco ball.

9.) You were too scared to go to the library: If your family shares the same love for open-toed sandals as you do, then they’d understand this one. The Willy T foot-stabber is always out for any non-concealed piggy that crosses his path. It’s a tragedy for anyone with beautiful feet, but for you it’s a good excuse for a not-so-beautiful grade. 8.) Blanding/Kirwan bathrooms gave you Ebola: This excuse is going to take dedication, but if you’re committed enough to keeping up your reputation, it’s worth it. Let’s be honest, those bathrooms are dirtier than anything in the world, except maybe a Louisville fan. 7.) You weren’t hot enough to sleep with your professor: We’re not promoting sexual favors for personal gain, but seriously if your grades are that bad then offer your professor a quickie. 6.) You spent all your time fantasizing over basketball season: With a legit shot at going 40-0, who the hell even needs good grades? Nobody really cares that much about anything other than hoops during basketball season around here, anyway. 5.) You took too many “L’s” on Friday: You probably already take more L’s on campus on Fridays than the UK football team (used to take) and we can’t say we blame you. Three day weekend benders are much more productive anyways.

4.) It was LexTran’s fault: With less punctuality than your drunk pull-out game, it’s understandable that LexTran could have messed up your whole semester. Making it to class on time is hard enough when you’re hungover. 3.) The free speech people: On your way to class they told you that you were going to hell if you were a conformist. Your philosophy professor taught a lesson that day on conforming to society by buying into a popular religion. You froze in your tracks. You got scared as hell and never went back to that class, thus you received an E. 2.) You became a Two Keys twerk star: It was pretty much impossible to go wrong here. Ten dollars all-you-can-drink, a bitchin’ base line, and that drunk girl dropping it low right in front of you. Mom and dad know you’ve gotta get your twerk on when the situation demands it. 1.) You thought beer was better than school: Natty Light 6-packs are only $3.99 at Speedway. Buy a couple, get drunk and reminisce about all the times your mother didn’t hate you. Because if she didn’t buy any of these excuses, she most certainly hates you. Luke Troxell wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS Where’s the most inappropriate place you’ve ever been naked? HEATH, SOPHOMORE “In a church… During a baptism.”

ERICK, SOPHOMORE “In my manager’s office.”

DYLAN, JUNIOR “At Chuck E Cheese. I swear there is a logical explanation behind this.”

Staff wrote this

Blanding Hall freshman Audrey Olson knew she was going to make waves this Halloween when she decided she wasn’t going to be sexy Alice in Wonderland for the third year in a row. The idea came to Olson when she was browsing through the aisles at a costume store on New Circle Road. Olson and her friends went from the sexy Disney Princess section, to the sexy farm animal section, to the sexy silverware section. But the next aisle, Olson told us, had just what she was looking for. “Me and my friends were shopping for our costumes for Sig Ep’s big Halloween party,” Olson said, “and I saw this hellacute devil costume that was incredibly slutty in like an eternal damnation kind of way.” Immediately after seeing the costume, she ran out of the store. Olson’s ability to chug three venti lattes in under an hour and her exceptionally

small bladder caused her to lose sight of her goal. Olson continued, “I ordered eggs at Waffle House when it frickin’ came to me! I was like ohhh my god. I could buy that devil costume and pair it with an egg costume and be deviled eggs!” Olson’s gal pals who were at the brunch recalled that she was quite excited when she originally thought of the idea and then continued to get more and more excited. “I thought about tasing her once or twice,” said her friend Emily. Other customers at the restaurant, and those eating across the street, reported that they heard screams and sqeals, sure someone had been badly hurt. At first excited for her, Olson’s friends became frustrated as the day went on. “It’s like she thinks she invented the whole idea of a pun… and I don’t think she even knows what a pun is,” said Robert McCoy, a junior in Olson’s

WE WANT YOU!

human evolution class, “when we told her it was a pun, she just looked at us blankly then said ‘no, it’s like one of those play on words things.’” “I’m just so excited to, like, make people laugh this Halloween, you know? ‘Cause my costume is so funny. Usually I just give people boners or whatever, but this year I’ll make them pee their pants from all the laughter… and also give them boners. If we can learn anything from porn, boners and smiles go really well together,” Olson told The Black Sheep. Many of Olson’s friends have considered blocking her on Facebook and unfollowing her on Twitter. One friend reports that Olson will “sometimes just sit in the K-Lair for all three hours of breakfast next to where the eggs are served and talk to people about her Halloween costume. As if it’s a big coincidence they’re running into each other by the eggs.”

We followed up with Olson, who has apparently been diagnosed with a serious case of diarrhea mouth. “… and it’ll be really sexy cause I can be like ‘who wants some deviled eggs,’ or whatever, and wink, or something, and it’ll be super sexy and funny,” was about one-tenth of what Olson said to us after being asked what her favorite spot on campus was. We do not have a

large enough paper to print everything she said. “No matter what, Halloween will be super-baller, but I don’t know, man, Audrey might like totally ruin it for us,” said McCoy just before drawing some smiley faces on his shoes with a felt tip marker. “See, happy feet; now that is a good pun.”

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Local Girl Excited to Tell Everyone About “Play on Words” Halloween Costume

N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N

L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m

The Bar Grid Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles & $3 Well Drinks Kitchen Open to 2am 365 days a year!

Monday-Saturday Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close: $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Never Ending Happy Hour

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells

Friday

Fireball Friday $1 off Fireball Shots

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$4 Bombs

Saturday

Wildcats vs. Mississippi State $5 Jack Daniels Cocktail in a Stadium Cup, $4 Bacardi Cocktails

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Ticket & Free Wifi

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys

Monday

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars

Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers

Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry. DJ Rain

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! 1/2 Price Bottles of Wine 6-Close

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday

The Bar Grid

SUNDAY: NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball LIVE MUSIC or a DJ spinning on the 1’s and 2’s...Check our Facebook page!! Follow Us on Twitter!

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

$10 Punch Out DJ Rain

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm! Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 155 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Lauren Mink Band $4 Mojo Drinks & Shots No Cover

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

Homecoming $12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs DJ Reknown & Nathanael Stocke Live No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

Open - Watch every NFL Game Here! Happy Hour ALL DAY!

NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday! Blue White Game 7pm Well drinks and Two Key Lagers for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing - we supply the fish, you race them in our custom track! $2 Well Drinks and Pints, DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all Well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wed.

Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

Thursday

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

UK Senior STILL Hasn’t Seen Pulp Fiction Staff wrote this

Jim Harghis is a seemingly normal college student. He’s a senior at UK and at first glance, there’s nothing immediately odd about him. He appears to have been properly socialized, with a close group of ordinary friends. But those friends recently learned something extremely unsettling about Jim. This revelation came about late last Friday when he and his friends went to McDonald’s for dinner. One of Harghis’s buddies ordered a Quarter Pounder with Cheese at which time, another friend quipped that it’s called a “Royale with Cheese” in Paris, because people in Paris don’t know what the fuck a quarter pounder is due to the metric system. The group chuckled together, except for Jim, who asked why that was funny. It was at that moment when Jim’s friends learned that he’s in his last year of college and he still hasn’t seen Pulp Fiction. “I could tell there was something a little ‘off’ about Jim,” stated Paul Chipperson, who has been Jim’s friend since they were roommates freshman year. “I had no idea he was a Pulp Fiction virgin. I just assumed that everybody who didn’t lose their Pulp Fiction virginity in high school would lose it sometime

in college, unless they were a total pleb.” What’s especially surprising to know is that Jim intends to get a degree in Film and Media Studies in order to become a director. One would expect a Film student like Jim to have watched Pulp Fiction at least a half-dozen times by now. After all, the movie is one of the most critically-acclaimed films in cinematic history, and most consider it to be essential to the college binge-watching experience. But it’s somehow eluded this aspiring filmmaker. “It’s weird, I’d never even heard of Quentin Tarantino before,” Jim admitted. Word of Jim’s not-having-seenPulp Fiction-ness spread fast: It’s already been brought to the attention of those within the Department of Modern and Classical Languages, Literatures and Cultures. CLLC professors and students alike are most disappointed with Jim, to say the least. In fact, just yesterday, the CLLC department voted to drop Jim from the program. “They said I wouldn’t be able to graduate next spring unless I watch Pulp Fiction as soon as possible,” explained Jim. “I was outraged and confused. I asked,

‘What? What? What?’ They told me, ‘Say what again. Say what again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more goddamn time!’” Jim has since been shunned not just by the CLLC department, but also by the general UK populace. He knows now that he simply has to watch Pulp Fiction sometime before next spring: to Jim, Pulp Fiction truly is a must-see movie. Unfortunately, he hasn’t had the time in his schedule to see it, since it’s “kind of a long movie.” Plus, now that he’s an outcast, Jim hasn’t been able to find anybody to watch it with, and Pulp Fiction is one of those movies you have to watch with other people your first time. “I really shouldn’t have let other people find out I’ve never seen Pulp Fiction,” said Jim. “My classmates don’t respect me anymore, and I’ve been getting looks from people on the street. My one friend even told me that he’s more disgusted at me than ‘the gimp’ scene… I have no idea what that even means! I guess nobody wants to be associated with a pathetic Pulp Fiction virgin.” He added, “At least they don’t know I haven’t seen Animal House either.”

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: In a relationship Major: Graduated in Finance and Management • Favorite Drink: Miller Lite Favorite Shot: Silver tequila • Disgusting Drink: Bloody Mary In your experience, what nonalcoholic drink is the worst mixer, and why?: Mt. Dew, it doesn’t go with anything! The most overrated brand of beer/wine/liquor is what, and why?: Cîroc, it tastes like normal vodka! Where’s the best place to hide in The Campus Pub ?: The patio, there is no place to hide inside. If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: It wouldn’t exist.

NICHOLAS “THE BIG SOMBRERO” of CAMPUS PUB THE DRINKING GAME

What Halloween costume could you make with only what you have in your pockets?: UK fan or UK coach What do you think will be this year’s most overdone Halloween costume?: Cowboys and cowgirls since there is a Garth Brooks concert the same night. Why should people read The Black Sheep? : ‘Cause I’m gonna be in it!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

LOST AND FOUND

DRUNK NACHOS

Here at The Black Sheep know how rough weekend nights can get. You might end up lost on campus, running home in your underwear or – God help you – lying face down in a pile of your own shit outside of a bar. Most concerning is when you wake up the next morning without half the stuff you left with. Well, tonight we’re going to retrace our steps and find your stuff the only way we know how: get just as drunk and do it all over again.

It’s that point at the night where you’ll eat anything. You’ve perused the cabinets and you’ll settle for a block of uncooked ramen if you have to, but then you see it: a bag of chips. And then you remember it: There’s a bag of cheese in the fridge. That only means one thing, bud. Drunk nachos.

What You’ll Need: Half the items you had last night, more beer, and the ability to regain your memory. Number of Players: You and your internal compass. Level of Intoxication: Exactly the same as your previous night, one step too far and you’ll end up losing everything you have left with you.

What You’ll Need: The will to stand next to a microwave for 45 seconds, the creativity to place cheese on a few chips. Fatty Factor: Enough cheese to choke a few times while trying to swallow the chips.

How to play: - Wake up and realize you’ve lost everything you need to survive: wallet, phone, that tiny picture of a muskrat you keep in your pocket because you think it’s too funny. - Try calling your phone from your friend’s phone like an idiot. - Actually believe you’re going to find it for a second and then lose all hope. - Get as drunk as you did last night out of self-pity. - Realize that if you’re just as drunk as you were before, then logically you must be able to retrace your steps with no problem. - End up at a bar, shaking the bouncer and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?”

Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a handful of chips and put them on the plate (it’s much easier to pour from the bag). - Refrain from eating handfuls of cheese and leave them where they are on the chips. - Shove that shit in the microwave and wait 45 seconds. - DON’T try to eat one right after taking them out, you’ll burn your tongue and kill any hope at tasting all future chips. - Get some salsa while you wait (it will also help cool off those chips). - Screw it, don’t wait any longer. Burn your mouth if you have to, they’re too good to not eat. - Lay in your pile of crumbs and total satisfaction. You did it. You made nachos.

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning just to realize that everything was in your pants pocket from the night before. Whoops.

Wasn’t that better than a shitty block of ramen or a can of SpaghettiOs? If you keep using your head like that, things will be looking up for you!

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We’ve all been there: it’s time for bed, the nightlight in the hall has mysteriously gone out, you don’t dare let your feet dangle off the bed for something might grab them, and your parents have told you for the tenth time to, “Go the hell to sleep, you’re 22-years-old.” The Black Sheep remembers, and we’ve decided to offer some closure to those that’ve suffered scary monsters. LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS

Casper the Friendly Ghost

Velociraptor

Claim to Fame: Befriending children. Where We Last Saw Them: Floating around with a tween Hilary Duff in a vacation resort. Where Are They Now?: Since then, the dead man-boy moved back to his shitty house from the first movie and got hitched. Unfortunately, his uberfriendly demeanor has led to a lessthan-happy marital situation. His wife, Sasperella the Kind-of-Bitchy ghost, isn’t exactly the friendly type – forcing our favorite poltergeist into a sad sort of servitude. Casper spends his days doting on his lovely wife. “I love her very much,” the friendly ghost tells The Black Sheep, “no matter what, through sickness and in health.” The couple are set to appear on their own reality show on the E! Network this spring, ’Til Death Do Us Part. Despite his disgust toward the idea, Casper still signed the contract after his wife told him to. “The pathetic thing is, it’s his own fault,” Sassperella stated, “the little bitch can’t say no.”

Claim to Fame: Eating people at a theme park, battling a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where We Last Saw Them: …eating people, fighting a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where Are They Now?: With his vicious, pointy teeth and giant claws, Velociraptor has created some terrifying cinematic moments. His glory days on the silver screen behind him, everyone’s favorite raptor has since earned degrees in paleoecology, paleontology, and quantum mathematics. Now an exhibit coordinator at the Natural History Museum in Chicago, Velociraptor has made quite a living, as well as a strangely off-putting British accent. “I fear my days as an actor have tainted my species,” the non-avian doctor said, “that ignorant sod Spielberg made sure of it, dehumanizing us every chance he got.” The prehistoric creature has since vowed to reestablish his species as top-dog, signing on as a consultant for the upcoming Jurassic World. “For too long, we Theropods have been portrayed as, dare I say, primitive. Pish-posh, I say! We are some of the most impressive creatures to roam this earth! Pick a door, any door, and watch me open it!” Velociraptor is reportedly making a seven figure salary.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Oogie Boogie

Claim to Fame: Kidnapping damsels in distress, taking them to his creepy lair in a swamp. Where We Last Saw Them: Sinking to the bottom of the Black Lagoon, riddled with bullets. Where Are They Now?: As the star of the sitcom, The Gillmans, Gilbert Gillman of the Black Lagoon couldn’t be happier. “Erghh-glersh, Academy Awards-gluhgersh,” the ABC star stated, and he’s probably right. After a brief, but successful stint in black and white film, Mr. Gillman drifted away from Hollywood, but of his own accord. “Erfhh-glaff, lerghh-laswah, errghy-settle down,” the star stated, “erghhin-make babies.” It wasn’t until the mid-2000s that Mr. Gillman reemerged, with the continuous support of his wife, as the beloved Manny Gillman on The Gillmans, and stole the hearts of millions.

Claim to Fame: Constantly attempting to take over Christmas, and kill Santa Claus. Where We Last Saw Them: An empty sack lying at Jack Skellington’s feet. Where Are They Now?: Since then, Oogie has come to terms with himself, claiming abstinence from gambling as his reason for success. The former gambling addict now hosts weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings, serving as team leader for his charter of the group. “We, uh, admit that, uh, we are powerless over gambling – whether it’s children’s lives or money – and that our lives are unmanageable… or something like that,” Mr. Boogie said about how he overcame his addiction. “This is a great, uh, program they’re running here. It’s really helped me and my, uh, issues.” He works as a janitor in Emerson Elementary in Battle Creek, Michigan.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Freddy Krueger

Slender Man

Claim to Fame: Murdering adolescents in their dreams. Where We Last Saw Them: Battling his friend Jason at Crystal Lake, which of course caused his decapitation and subsequent recovery into the man he is today. Where Are They Now?: Our least favorite dreamscaper, Freddy Krueger, has since retired from murdering teenagers as they sleep. In recent years, Krueger has found what he says is his true calling – a firefighter. In a sense, Krueger has always been a sort of fighter of fires. “The bastards burnt me alive! I won’t say whether they had reason to or not, but ever since, I’ve just had this burning feeling that I should extinguish all fire,” Krueger told us. Living in the rural town of Burt, Iowa, Freddy has become a town hero – a Smokey the Bear type. You can see his smiling face on billboards and in schools in the greater Burt area, reading, “Remember kids, only you can prevent house fires – and if you don’t, I’ll find you.”

Claim to Fame: Ruling the internet and children’s nightmares. Where We Last Saw Them: Every. Single. Website. Everywhere. Where Are They Now?: Now a successful model for the GAP and H&M products, Slender Man can be seen gracing the covers of several magazines, becoming a staple in men’s fashion. “He’s just real easy to work with, you know?” photographer Jordan Parham said. “There’s just something about that face – so surreal and calm. You can almost see every emotion at the same exact time when you look at him.” Several stars have requested the looks of Slender Man as well, asking if it is at all possible to Photoshop their face onto his slender, near-perfect body. “I’m not getting any younger,” actor Mickey Rourke said, “so why not use his services – what could it hurt?”

Damien

Pennywise

Claim to Fame: Being the Antichrist. Where We Last Saw Them: Holding the President’s hand, looking ominously into the camera. Where Are They Now?: Ever since his parents tried to kill him, this son of Satan has found new meaning for his life. Raised in a government halfway house, Damien Thorn has vowed to champion pro-life movements throughout the nation. “I had a very close call as an infant,” Thorn stated in recent press conference, “if I was granted the right to live by my government, then goddammit, so does every life, hellborn or not!” A steadfast Republican, the jackal-born Antichrist is a frequent contributor to Republican fundraisers and campaigns, often working as a speech-writer. He served as co-writer for the 2012 Romney presidential campaign. “I was sadly banned from joining the seminary, but I found a new calling as a writer,” Thorn said, “the lord sure works in mysterious ways.”

Claim to Fame: Eating children (seeing a theme here?) Where We Last Saw Them: Battling pissed-off adults in a cave… as a giant spider-creature. Where Are They Now?: After killing an undisclosed number of children in the 1980s, Pennywise the demon clown claims his murdering days are behind him. In a stunning revelation, last year he announced he will run for governor in Maine in the November 2014 elections. “I’ve turned a new leaf,” the clown said in a televised interview, “the fact is, I know what it’s like on the other side and I’ve seen the underbelly of this state. With my help, I know we can turn the great state of Maine around!” He plans to run on a platform of “cleaning the streets,” vowing to rid neighborhoods of the inner-city youths that have really “bastardized America” and “deserve to be eaten for their crimes.”

Sid

Count Chocula

Claim to Fame: Dr. Frankenstein-ing his toys into creepy abominations. Where We Last Saw Them: Almost throwing Woody and pals into a garbage truck, like a dick. Where Are They Now?: Everyone’s most hated preteen, Sid Phillips deserves no love. After dropping out of high school his freshman year, Phillips fell into obscurity. Working as a garbage man, he found the perfect cover for his sinister plans. In a horrific discovery, police uncovered a mass grave in a landfill near Columbus, Ohio where Phillips worked. Before they even considered taking him in for questioning, he turned himself in. “The son of a bitch just walked in, grinning ear to ear, and copped to the whole thing,” Ohio State Police officer Randy Tibbitts stated, “piece of shit was proud of it.” After the arrest, police raided Phillips’ home where they found several dismembered bodies. It was revealed in a police report that Sid Phillips would play a strange form of house with the body parts, claiming they “spoke to him” and were “alive and well.”

Claim to Fame: A delicious chocolate breakfast food. Where We Last Saw Them: On a cereal box in October. Where Are They Now?: Living in suburban Indiana, The Count now works as a humble dental assistant. In a series of lawsuits, furious American parents— blaming their children’s rising dental bills and America’s obesity epidemic on his product—stripped Chocula of his career and dignity. Scorned, but not yet broken, Chocula continued his crusade for delicious sugary cereals, going as far as publically announcing that his family would start a diet of only his cereal for an entire year to prove its worth. Sadly, in his obsession with reclaiming his fame, his own son lost his life after losing both of his fangs from cavities brought on by the cereal. “I’ve learned my lesson,” The Count said, “I know now the error of my ways, and the deadly power of sugary cereals.”

Let's Play

THE BACK PAGE

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CLASSIC COSTUME CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Broom not required. 4) Karin from Mean Girls; “I’m a ___, duh!” 5) Put a pacifier in your mouth and call yourself this. 6) Grab an orange sweater from American Apparel, boom, done. 7) Just borrow some stuff from

your mom’s mom and be this. 8) A lady who gets athletes stoked. 9) The teacher of The Magic School Bus, Miss who? 11) The main character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Jack who? 13) Arrrggghhh! 14) Throw a sheet over your head

and call yourself this. 15) Her last name is Morgendorffer, and she’s apathetic towards most everything.

ANSWERS

DOWN: 1) Wait, where is he? 2) Aladdin’s love interest. 3) This is, like, so 60s, man. 5) She can be the nature and he can be this guy who make pretty little mistakes (two words). 7) The girls can go as these Girls; Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia. 10) “Is there a naughty lady in this room that I need to punish?” But not a stripper. 12) She’s sexy, and she’ll stick a needle in ya.

! Prices r, e w e o B L e d m n Aweso asty Wine, a T

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the HALLOWEEN COSTUME madlib I always feel so intimidated by Halloween costumes. You want to look ___1___ without being too ___2___. You want to be ___3___ without being too ___4___, while maintaining the grace of ___5___. You want to be creative without looking like someone living in ___6___ aka like a hobo… maybe I’ll be a hobo?… Anyway, I’m also not trying to spend an arm and a leg on my costume; after all, I need to be able to afford ___7___to pre-game with and ___8___ to enjoy after the party. So I headed to the local thrift store, and ___9___ works there so I’d get an extra discount. But nothing was really working for me. I saw something that could resemble a ___10___, but it had poop stains on it (or is that peanut butter?). There was a shiny dress so I could’ve been a disco-girl (is that a thing?) but every time I take ___11___ I always - always - end up ___12___ in the middle of ___13___and then going home with ___14___ which is so freshman year of me. Everything else I tried on was too small (I blame ___15___) or just not right for my very unique personality. So I took the bus to the over-priced Halloween store. Naturally, it was hot as a ___16___-employee in a sauna, and even smellier. The place was trashed and local high-schoolers were pocketing ___17___ glitter faster than I could decipher the difference between ___18___ ears. While I perusing expensive, skanky ___19___ outfits, I saw___20___ and started having a panic attack. So I instantly left and called a cab home. Ugh, I’ll just get drunk and go as a ghost.

1) Adjective 2) Different adjective 3) Slutty celebrity 4) Sluttier celebrity 5) Respected celebrity 6) Artsy dorm 7) Liquor 8) Late-night food 9) Your hipster friend 10) Animal 11) Party drug 12) Type of dance 13) Local dance bar 14) Person you lost your virginity to 15) Local pizza place 16) Fat food place 17) Color 18) Animal 19) Stereotypical Halloween costume 20) Person from #14

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