Kentucky - Issue 8 - 10/30/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 5

The Black Sheep

F Hal ree! Li low ke T een oot ... t sie R hey o suc lls aft k, a er mir ite?

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 8

THE OFFICIAL GUIDE TO THE

WEEK-AFTER-HALLOWEEN Natalie Shofner wrote this

Unfortunately, as all good things must come to an end, Halloween will come and go, and the aftermath will be upon us. Follow us on a journey through the week following Halloween. First day after Halloween: Remember all that candy and Bacardi you stuffed down your gullet the night before? Probably not, at least not until the massive hangover the next day. It wasn’t the best idea to get into a “who can eat the most fun-size Snickers with shots of bourbon in-between” competition. Or maybe it was all the gummy worms swimming in a glass of Smirnoff. Either way, you’re paying for it. You might as well drag a blanket and something that plays Netflix into the bathroom with you. It’s going to be a long day. Two to three days after Halloween: You’re feeling better physically, but now all those pics of you are surfacing on Instagram and Twitter, and they aren’t pretty. Every poorly-judged decision from that night will be floating in your social media sphere, and your pride will be hurting big-time. There also seems to be this Vine video of you circulating the UK Facebook pages of you peeing on your PSY 100 professor’s car while screaming about how you deserved at least a B on the last exam. You pray the video doesn’t make it into his hands. Four to five days after Halloween: Social media has died down, and you’ve been munching on the Halloween candy you swiped from parties for the past few days. You also bought the Halloween Pillsbury ready-to-bake sugar cookies from the clearance aisle (you don’t even bake them, you just devour the raw dough during your weak moments). Suddenly, you wake up on Wednesday feeling like a cow and find that you’ve gained your freshman fifteen back with the passing of a single holiday. Back to the Johnson Center with you, Thanksgiving is coming. Six to seven days after Halloween: Rent is past due and you are hungry. You spent all your money on costume stuff and decorations. You bought all that damn Pumpkin Spice Burnett’s and you’re paying for it. Literally. Maybe you can sell your gently-used costume online. You can clean the puke off the pants. Or it might just be easier to sell your body… Yeah, we’d go with selling your body. You carefully pack away your Wildcat costume so you can win the big bucks all over again next year and you look at yourself in the mirror. “No more,” you whisper to yourself quietly, but you break eye contact, haunted by the notion that Halloween is yet again a mere year away.

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PAGES 12-13

THE BBN MONSTER MASH

FRESHMAN BUSINESS MAJOR VERY DISAPPOINTED

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: JIMMY PARDO

HE’S CONFUSED WHY HE HASN’T BECOME “WOLF OF WALL STREET” YET.

OUR CHAT WITH THE “COMIC’S COMIC.”

BEWARE OF THESE VERY REAL MONSTERS CREEPING AROUND CAMPUS.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

WRITERS Rebecca Anderson Luke Troxell

OWNER Atish Doshi

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

THE BOTANY BAY SMOKING ACCESSORIES • FUNCTIONAL GLASS ART VAPORIZERS • HOOKAHS • BODY JEWELRY • DETOX TAPESTRIES • SAFE CANS • AND MORE! VISIT US TODAY! 420 EAST NEW CIRCLE ROAD LEXINGTON KY • (859) 225-4367

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE MAN OF THE VESTS

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Just wait until you see my Halloween costume.”

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

QWERKEE A descriptor of anything intentionally misspelled.

Pam thought it would be qwerkee to end all her emails with “hugz n kizzez.” It was annoying.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

A native of Milan, Italy.

Founder of Royal Treatment, a high-end grooming line for pets.

Is a prince.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

PAGE 4 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

HALLOWEEN 2014

Should You Be A Cat For Halloween? A Basic Guide Staff wrote this

You’ve been to a couple Halloween parties this year, and things have been great. That Despicable Me minion outfit showed the world how a large amount of creativity and a small amount of clothes can make you the center of attention at any Halloween event. You’ve experienced many hauntings, hayrides, and horse cops, but now it’s week two of Halloween and your ideas for themed attire are growing thin. We know the “classic” cat costume is tempting, but don’t rush to any clichéd, uninspired decisions just yet. Here’s The Black Sheep’s criteria on whether or not a cat costume is what you’re looking for as apparel in the coming Halloween weekends. Would you describe yourself as a cat person?: If you really love cats, then this costume may be for you. It may show the world that you’re adorable and soft, but at the same time cunning and perfectly willing to stab your closest friends in the back if they step on your tail. Everyone understands your affinity for your cute companion, and nobody’s accusing you of being a crazy cat lady just yet. Are you being just a cat, and not someone like the Cat in the Hat?: Think of all the famous cats out there that you could be with just a few more materials: the Cat in the Hat, Garfield, Puss in Boots. Hell, even Professor McGonagall fits into this category. Before you settle on the generic

ears and tail, remember that you’ve passed up on representing some of the most prominent pussies of the age. Are you really, one hundred percent, completely out of costume ideas?: Everyone is expecting the people who are too lazy to come up with something on their own to show up to the party dressed as a cat. Are you satisfied with being that person? If you’re really going to follow through with this, you have to really commit. You’ll have to spend the night eating Meow Mix and drinking milk—or the blood of your enemies. If you don’t think you can live up to the feline name, try another easy classic costume, like a ghost, a cowgirl, or Hillary Clinton. A manly pantsuit and a fierce haircut is all you need. Boys may possibly hit on a slutty secretary. No man, however, can resist a sexy ex-Secretary of State. Are you a catty bitch?: You’ve committed to your part, so you’re going to have to fit your personality to the costume. Cats are known for being solitary, temperamental, and self-absorbed. A devious and ruthless personality will broadcast to your peers that your black cat costume is perfectly fitting, and that bad luck will befall them if they think otherwise. Will this costume involve cat ears?: A cat

costume’s success is directly proportional to the amount of clothes not worn with it. You’ve already discarded your hopes of preserving your self-image by dressing as a cat, so don’t stress too much if you’re not sure about wearing just a bandeau and a short skirt with cat ears. An ideal college Halloween cat costume would be black lingerie and cat ears

without the cat ears. Just something to consider. If you can confidently answer yes to all of these questions, then you’re prepared to dress as a feline night prowler. Unoriginality aside, you truly are an independent soul, and your costume choice reflects it well.

AAHHH!!!

THE TOP TEN Differences in Kid and Adult Halloween We’re all at that stage of life when we still want to enjoy all the youthful nostalgic Halloween memories of our youth, but we also want to grind on slutty cats and chug Jagerbombs. The Black Sheep put together a top 10 list of the biggest differences between kid Halloween and adult Halloween.

THE BBN MONSTER MASH Rebecca Anderson wrote this

It’s Halloween here in the Bluegrass (finally), and you should beware the very real monsters roaming around campus. Read these descriptions very carefully and keep a keen eye, or you’ll end up on the wrong side of an example at the next Green Dot Seminar. Vampires: Remember those kids from high school who would have locker dates between classes and got weekly detentions for sucking face in the hallway? Yes, they did make it to college. Like clockwork, one can see them sucking face outside of White Hall every Tuesday and Thursday, locked in some weird embrace as if they won’t be seeing each other for another hundred years… or fifty minutes. There seem to be more vampires roaming campus every week, so how do you keep from becoming one of these face-sucking vampires? Always be sure to avoid their path as they prowl the bars and party grid basement parties in search for unsuspecting victims whose motor skills have been stunted by Fireball shots and cups of hooch. All it takes is one smackaroo and suddenly it’s the next morning, and you’re sprinting home from a vampire’s lair on Colfax, heels in hand, dignity in the wind. Ghosts: They’re rarely seen at the pregame, and wouldn’t be caught dead attending class. You won’t see ghosts until exams roll around when they suddenly appear and are in need of the last four chapters’ worth of Marketing 304 notes. Prepare yourself; as soon as you hand a ghost your binder with an eye roll and a “you owe me,” they’ll be gone without as much as a farewell or a “thank you,” not to be seen again until finals week. Werewolves: Everyone knows that a full moon means shit’s gonna get a little weird at the bars that night, but what most Wildcats don’t know

is that the typical werewolf here on campus doesn’t transform from a frat boy to a wild destructive beast via moonlight, but via bourbon. It begins around shot five, his voice becoming elevated as his strength grows and his motor skills deteriorate. By the time 3 a.m. rolls around, the transformation has long been complete. The werewolf stomps around the house, incoherently yelling profanities and punching holes in the wall. If you ever find yourself face-to-face with this bourbon-fueled beast, err on the side of extreme caution; because if you look into his eyes, the lights may be on, but there isn’t a soul home. Zombies: Flocking to focus meds and late-night cigarettes in the same fashion that Louisville fans flock to the Sylvan Learning Center on a Wednesday afternoon, the Willy T. zombies know no sense of routine or personal hygiene. Awake for days on end, these psychos aimlessly roam the halls of William T. Young Library as their brains slowly shut down, frat lapping like there’s no tomorrow. Get too close, and you’ll find yourself a week later having not showered or slept in days. Witches: AKA “bitches.” These broads have an attitude from hell, and they are all total Slytherins. Traveling in packs of three to five, witches are the most prominent and numerous of the university’s Halloween creatures, and the sole reason sorority girls get such a bad rep. Disguised in their letters and black leggings, they prance around campus by day, handing out eye rolls and judgmental glances.

Study this list, Wildcats. This Halloween weekend, as you bong a beer in your mermaid costume or drink your embarrassment away because your girlfriend chose your costume, be careful and beware!

10.) Costumes get sluttier: As a kid, being the prettiest princess you can be is the popular choice. When girls hit 12, they want to start being a cat. Not a promiscuous one, more like a little precious lap cat. Then when they’re older, say 18 or so… well you see two different kinds of pussy. 9.) Healthy treats aren’t so bad: You used to hate that old lady down the street who gave out fresh apples and perfect orange slices. It was Reese’s Cups or bust, man. Now you wouldn’t mind having some fresh fruit when you wake up in the morning and your mouth is dryer than a Theta Chi party. 8.) Trick-or-treat takes on a new meaning: It used to be, “trick-or-treat smell my feet, give me something good to eat.” Now it’s more like, “trick-or-treat I need to eat, I hope UKPD doesn’t smell my weed.” 7.) Apples aren’t bobbed: Bobbing for apples ‘til 9:15 at night was a wild-ass night when you were still stuck in kid Halloween. Now you’d rather have a guy or girl bobbing between your legs by 9. 6.) THC-infused candy: If it didn’t have sugar, you were throwing it at the mean neighbor’s window. We share the same concept now ‘cept we prefer to get high off the THC in our lollipops. 5.) You actually have to buy your own costume now: The current state of your bank account reflects the BAC you plan to reach on Halloween, a modest .19. It’s either booze or Beetlejuice on Halloween... you gotta choose one. 4.) Food is different: Popcorn balls and caramel apples were a staple at any adolescent Halloween gathering. Nowadays everyone throws all their prescriptions in a big-ass bowl. Pharm parties get really trippy, really fast when everyone is in costume. 3.) You can’t get what you want: Getting a big-ass bag of candy every Halloween was great. It was like beating the hell out of Louisville. It happens like clockwork every year, and it’s just as sweet each time. Too bad now we can’t get 30-racks by going door-to-door dressed up as weird shit. 2.) You can take an “L” the next day: Nothing sucked worse than having a Hershey hangover from hell and having to go to school the next day after you couldn’t fall asleep. You can call in work or skip class now. Tell them your house got egged or your kid got ran over or something. The excuses are limitless. 1.) Mischief becomes way worse: Stealing candy and scoring twice at the last house on the left every year would make you an immediate neighborhood trick-or-treat hero. Now if you don’t get arrested at least once on Halloween between ages 18-25 for trying to sneak into someone’s house and stealing all the stockpiled booze and candy then you really aren’t doing this holiday right. Lucas Troxell wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What fictional character would make the best lover? DYLAN, FRESHMAN

“Jigsaw from Saw. He would play dirty games with me. I don’t think I could ever be that sweaty, scared, and horny at once.”

THOMAS, FRESHMAN

“Goku because he could protect you, and if you died he could bring you back to life. He’s hella cool too.”

WILLIAM, SOPHOMORE

“Jasmine from Aladdin, ‘cause those hips don’t lie.”

Staff wrote this

After freshman Dean Brock saw the movie The Wolf of Wall Street in theaters last winter, he began focusing his academic and career goals on emulating the life of Jordan Belfort, the movie’s protagonist. “Who wouldn’t want to live that lifestyle?” remarked Brock, who is currently enrolled in the finance program at UK's Gatton College of Business and Economics. “Raunchy yacht parties on the reg, mountains of cocaine readily available at my disposal, and droves of gorgeous, big-titted women lined up and ready to give me the sexual satisfaction I so richly deserve. It’s a life of wealth and luxury that you fucking peons in liberal arts couldn’t even begin to comprehend.” When Brock arrived on campus back in August, he thought being in a world-renowned business program would put him on the fast track to the kind of success

portrayed in his favorite movie. Halfway through his first semester though, he is disappointed to find that has not been the case. “Where are the sports cars and nightly lobster dinners?” bemoaned Brock. “I was told I would gain real world experience in the classroom, but that was a lie.” Brock’s frustration stems mostly from the lesson plan laid out in Business 101, the introductory responsibility and ethics course all freshmen in the College of Business are required to take. “Instead of learning helpful skills like how to neatly eat sushi off an escort’s tits, we’ve been doing useless bullshit like making résumés and learning about how businesses have a responsibility to serve the greater good of society. What the hell good are those lessons supposed to do me?” Brock also says that future classes in the finance major curriculum

will not adequately prepare him for the type of work necessary to achieve and maintain the lavish lifestyle he desires. “I see the College of Business failed to include courses on how to commit tax evasion and securities fraud without getting caught,” commented Brock. “No one ever got rich by being honest and ethical. Name one person who got rich by doing things ‘The right way.’ You can’t!” Brock has also been disappointed with his experience in business clubs and organizations. “I assumed that we would have meetings in mansions with midgets providing us entertainment by wrestling each other WWE-style,” said Brock. “Instead, we just meet in some rinky-dink classroom where we eat Papa John’s pizza that I have to serve myself. Unbelievable.” The freshman has been equally disappointed with the business

WE WANT YOU!

fraternity he joined. “I thought being in a business frat would give me status,” said Brock. I expected to be able to name drop my frat to receive privileges such as getting to the front of VIP lines at bars. But no, I usually just get punched in the face and told to ‘join a real frat.’” Despite his underwhelming experience this semester, Brock has remained optimistic he can achieve his goal of becoming the next “Wolf of Wall Street” through his ambition and selfdetermination. “Although my classes and organizations are failing me, I will not let myself down,” said Brock. “I will follow in the footsteps of successful businessmen such as Jordan Belfort and former Enron CEO Ken Lay by dedicating all my energy to achieving my goals and dreams of living a rich, debaucherous lifestyle through any means possible.”

Brock said he will use his time at UK to improve himself so he can stand out among the best and brightest students in the College of Business. “I will make myself the model UK business student,” said Brock. “I will use buzzwords in normal conversation like an insufferable prick. I will constantly name drop my business frat and other connections like a pretentious douche. I will belittle other peoples’ majors to compensate for my own raging insecurities. And I will most

certainly make a concentrated effort to bitch incessantly about how difficult my workload is, even though I only take 12 hours of easy business courses, have no job, and get drunk six nights a week.” With that sense of motivation, his vision for the future, and a clear plan of attack to achieve his goals, Brock is a shining example of how College of Business students at Kentucky truly are the leaders of tomorrow in the business world.

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PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Freshman Business Major Disappointed He Has Not Become “Wolf of Wall Street” Yet

N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N

L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m

The Bar Grid Happy Hour 3-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles & $3 Well Drinks Kitchen Open to 2am 365 days a year!

Monday-Saturday Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close: $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Thursday

Never Ending Happy Hour

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells

Friday

Costume Contest First Place: $100 Cash Second Place: Fireball Prize Pack $4 Fireball & Jack Honey

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$4 Bombs

Saturday

Costume Contest First Place: $100 Cash Second Place:Bacardi Prize Pack $4 Fireball & Jack Honey

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Ticket & Free Wifi

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys

Monday

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars

Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers

Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry. DJ Rain

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! 1/2 Price Bottles of Wine 6-Close

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

SPECIAL NIGHT

The Bar Grid

SUNDAY: NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball LIVE MUSIC or a DJ spinning on the 1’s and 2’s...Check our Facebook page!! Follow Us on Twitter!

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

Halloween Punchout DJ Rain Costume Contest with Prizes

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm! Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 155 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Costume Contest! First Prize Bacardi Shot Machine DJ Zed, No Cover

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

UK vs. Missouri $12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs RPI Live and Looping No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

Open - Watch every NFL Game Here! Happy Hour ALL DAY!

NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday! Blue White Game 7pm Well drinks and Two Key Lagers for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing - we supply the fish, you race them in our custom track! $2 Well Drinks and Pints, DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all Well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wed.

Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

Thursday

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

CONFESSIONS OF AN

ENTITLED COLLEGE GRAD Staff wrote this

After waiting for two weeks, I’m actually glad I haven’t heard back from the job I interviewed for. I didn’t even want that job anyway. As a recent college grad, the starting pay and title were way below my ideal job. Plus, the boss’ office isn’t even that big, so there wouldn’t be anything to work towards. Not only did I fail to see even one attractive secretary, but everyone was about as plain as the manila envelopes that float around the office, like the kind of people who would be extras on Burn Notice. Everyone was eating Quiznos and sack lunches. No P.F. Chang’s. No one was drinking scotch, smoking cigarettes, or anything. Their big ”whoopty-doo” was getting to wear jeans on casual Thursday. Anyway, my double major in philosophy and art appreciation really over-qualifies me for some drab office job. I’m too much of a ”big picture” kind of guy for Regional Account Manager. Instead of slumping around in a cubicle, biding my time by reading DIY blogs about birdhouses, I’ll probably just get a job as a director or churn out that novel I’ve been meaning to write. That’s the kind of gig I need. I can’t be pushing paper with these kinds of million-dollar ideas floating around in my head. What do they expect, man? Also, the interviewer said that he needed to see my résumé on paper. You know who else needs to see my résumé on paper? Global warming. He probably voted for Bush. Twice. I told the interviewer all about the indie short film my friends and I made for a class in college. Surprisingly, that didn’t really seem to impress him. He’s probably never even seen any French New Wave films or Christopher Nolan. I didn’t even mention my short

stint as a mumblecore critic. Also, I apparently needed job references from previous employers. I thought they wanted to see references to classic movies and books pretty much everyone knows, like Doctor Strangelove and Inception. They were probably way over the interviewer’s head. What a Joe Shmoe. My greatest strengths are probably that I was president of my Kentucky Poetry Club and Deep Thinking Club. I was also the creative manager for the drum circle, not everyone can say that. If you’ve never tried to lead a drum circle, you don’t really know what the front line feels like. Also, I can write a really good villanelle; those have a bunch of rules and stuff. Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t get the job because they didn’t even have a company car for me or anything. It’s like they expect me to ride the bus with the regular people or something. Even if I did get the job, they would probably promote me too fast. All the other employees would get mad and I’d have to fire them or something. I would say it’s their loss but even if they did offer that stupid job to me, I’d probably just turn it down. I have way too much on my plate right now. Between improv class and my Buddhist meditations, I would just get way too overwhelmed with all that power and responsibility. So all in all, it totally works out for the best. I’ll move back in with my parents and start working on my poetry chapbook that is probably going be up there with the greats: Shakespeare, Jewel, and Kurt Cobain, those kinds of geniuses. See you in the stars, Grievingly Graduated

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!

vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Math with a minor in physics Favorite Drink: Black and tan with Newcastle Favorite Shot: Jameson • Disgusting Drink: Fireball If you had the opportunity to wipe one liquor off the face of the planet, what would it be?: Fireball, because it is terrible and it burns coming back up! How would drinking be fundamentally different if beer looked like blood?: People would like vampires a lot more.

MAKENZIE of TIN ROOF

THE DRINKING GAME

What’s you most “Yeah, I’m going to hell for that” moment in recent memory?: Gin bombing someone. What kind of crazy plot would your evil twin concoct?: To break into my phone and send dirty pics to guys. Name a sexual maneuver after yourself: The Big MaK Balls

Where’s the strangest place you’ve found yourself after a night of drinking?: A post office.

Who is your spirit celebrity?: Paris Hilton because she’s hot, likes music, and doesn’t give a fuck.

When’s the least appropriate time for an evil laugh?: When someone tells you they are pregnant.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it is full of cold, hard, factual informational awesome.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

TRICK OR TREAT

CANDY SOUP

Alright, we know you’re not 5-years-old anymore, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want all the candy your lazy ass can possibly gather. It’s a rarity that Halloween falls on a Friday and that means you’ll be extra-blasted this year, so let’s put that inebriation to good use, shall we?

It’s that time of year again. Now that you’ve already gone trick or treating and have all that candy, it’s time to do something with it. You could try and get creative, but it’s always best to play it safe: go with the same game plan you’ve had since you were 4 years old. Mix it all together in a bowl and eat until you want to puke.

What You’ll Need: A 30 rack of your favorite beer, the biggest bag you can find (we like to go with one of the garbage variety), a damn strong sweet tooth. Number of Players: Just you, sugar tooth. Level of Intoxication: Enough to forget you’re 21 years old.

What You’ll Need: A bag full of candy, a large bowl, Tylenol for your stomach. Fatty Factor: Don’t even look at the scale tomorrow morning.

How to play: - In preparation for this, you’re going to need to brush your teeth for two straight days beforehand. Yeah, you’ll need to skip class and work for this. It’s a commitment. - Finish off that 30 rack as quickly as possible. Yes, after a while it turns into more work than play, but who says the sweetest things in life come easy? - Grab the biggest bag you can find and hit the town, leaving all your friends at your Halloween party behind in the name of food. - .First, you’ll need to sweep through campus. You may not get as many prepared households at student-inhabited apartments, but you can always just push them aside and grab whatever you can from their cabinets. - Next, you’ll need to exit campus and hit up the residential areas. Yes, the townies may be a little freaked out by a 21-year-old in a cheerleading costume (that’s probably all you’ll be able to find the night before) begging for candy. The Game Ends When: You manage to gather at least three pounds of candy to the two black eyes you’ll receive raiding some bro’s apartment on campus.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Gather all the candy you’ve earned throughout the night and bring it to the kitchen. - Open up every piece of candy you got tonight and put them all in the bowl. - Roll with us here: Stir the candy with a gigantic spoon. - Now that you have a proper variety of candy to choose from, dig your hand in for a sweet surprise . - Keep shoving fistfuls of sugar down your throat until you physically can’t handle anymore. Be careful you don’t eat too much that you have to puke everything back up into the bowl. But if you do, just shrug and remember, this sweet, sweet meal only comes once a year.

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TBS: So how did you get into stand-up and what drove you to pursue comedy? Jimmy: I started in the late 80s, the comedy boom was humongous, especially around Chicago. Every bar had comedy nights in addition to around a dozen comedy clubs at the time, so I was getting on stage two, three times a night driving all over the city to get some stage time. What drove me to pursue comedy was growing up in the South Side of Chicago and south suburbs. It’s a very sports-based city, not that I’m against sports but I wasn’t very good at them and I didn’t fit in with that scene. I had a sense of humor and I would use it to either impress the girls or get out of fights and I found my own groove of people. And you end up being friends with those types of people and you eventually find your way in life, and you either end up going to college and being a professional in something, or you end up being a clown like me. TBS: You still continue to do stand-up, but in 2006 you decided to start your podcast Never Not Funny, one of the first well-known comics to do so. What made you stop and think that would be something that you’d want to do? Jimmy: I think I was one of the first comics that had a following that started a podcast, and it really came out of the gentleman that’s now my cohost and producer, Matt Belknap, who was just a fan of mine. He would come and see me do shows at the UCB Theater here in LA. He was doing a very dry podcast where he would interview comedians about the craft, which was really great, but after he did the interview with me he said “Hey, I think I’d have more fun producing your podcast,” and I had no idea what that meant. I had listened to Ricky Gervais, his was hot at the time and it was the only other one that I knew of. I was between TV gigs and I thought “you know what, I don’t know what this is and I don’t wanna be the guy that’s left behind on it, so I’m gonna be the first of my group to do it.” And so we started in March of 2006 and here we are. TBS: You have the Pardcast-a-Thon coming up on November 28th, which for our readers that don’t know is a 12-hour live podcast featuring a rotating guest list that has raised over half a million dollars for Smile Train, a charity that provides corrective surgery for children with cleft lips and palates. What brought you to partner with Smile Train and what was the idea that sparked the 12-hour podcast? Jimmy: There’s a show regular by the name of Pat Francis and he came on as a guest one time and thought it would be funny if we had an auction to raise money for Smile Train. It was on the back of Parade magazine, and just coincidentally he brought it up and I said, “jeez, I just gave to them yesterday” and so I said let’s do it. So, we did an auction that whoever raised the most money got to be a guest on Never Not Funny. In 2008, and in 2009 we were toying around with what we could do next that would be neat and unique. I always grew up loving the Jerry Louis Labor Day Telethon. It’d go for 24 hours and you don’t know who’s gonna show up at 3:30 in the morning, everybody gets loopy tired but it’s a lot of fun and raises a ton of money. So we thought who could we do it for and we thought Smile Train made sense. So we just sent them a check after the first year, I think it was just 6,000 bucks, which is still a lot of money considering we were just this small, little podcast. So after a couple of years we ended up partnering with them and last year we raised $144,000. So in as little as five years, the awareness has grown, it’s been good for Smile Train, it’s been good for us, and it’s been a hell of a lot of fun too. TBS: Do you have any fundraising goals for this year? And do you have any idea who the guests will be? In the past you’ve had some great guests such as Amy Poehler, Zach Galifianakis, and Jon Hamm. Jimmy: I always like to say that the goal is to beat last year’s amount and $144,000 is a lot of money. But our audience has grown so it’s conceivable that we’ll make more. But any money for Smile Train is a win. And we’ve just started casting and putting out offers, but the show regulars are gonna be there. Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and of course Matt Belknap and Pat Francis will be there the entire 12 hours. And we’ve reached out to the people we don’t necessarily know to bring in some star factor.

TBS: Going back to your live comedy, how has the podcast affected how you’ve approached standup? Jimmy: I’ve always been pretty improvisational on stage, talking stream of consciousness off the top of my head, and finding the funny, but when you’re a good comic that nobody knows you have to get on the stage and convince people that you’re funny. There’s a room of people that didn’t know who I was and just saw my name on a flier. For reasons I’ll never understand, people go to a comedy club with the mindset of “these guys better be funny,” which is the weirdest thing. If you’re gonna go there, why not just trust that it’s gonna be a good show? It’s always a weird adversarial relationship with the audience and the comedian. So, it went from spending the first three minutes on stage convincing people that they’re in good hands and it’s gonna be a good show, to now because of the podcast there’s this fan base that comes out to support. I went from maybe a few people in the audience knowing who I am to every show being full of podcast fans. I know that they’re on my side and I can make them laugh, plus attendance is better and people are coming to see me and not just to see comedy, which is great. And the shows are better because I run my mouth an hour and a half every week on my podcast, so I trust that I’m going to find the funny and for the most part the audience stays with it. TBS: You also open for Conan O’Brien, how has that experience been and how did you get that job? Jimmy: I started with them day one at The Tonight Show when they moved from New York to L.A., and I’d never met Conan or anyone on the staff. I knew a couple of the writers but none of the higher-ups. And I knew Andy Richter a little bit from doing some shows with him at The UCB, but it would’ve been presumptuous to say I was a friend of Andy’s at the time. When they were moving out to L.A., they wanted somebody to open the shows and legend has it that Andy Richter said “the guy that can do an hour off the top of his head and has the same sensibilities as this show is Jimmy Pardo.” So they called me in for an interview. I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want to be a warm-up act, that’s not why I moved to L.A., but I thought, “you know what, it’s The Tonight Show, it’s Conan O’Brien, I’ve gotta at least take that meeting.” I went to the meeting, and within minutes I was like “I’ve gotta take this job.” They told me that I didn’t have to throw out t-shirts or candy, I’ve just gotta go out there and do comedy, and then I’m done. So I met Conan, Mike Sweeney the head writer, Jeff Ross the executive producer, the stage manager Steve Hollander, and they all told me that I was the guy. I had never felt that wanted before in show business, so I took the job and I’ve been there for 5 years and it’s been great. Being around all those amazingly funny people every day, I never once bitch that I have to go to work. First I’m about to go do comedy for a living, and in addition I get to work with these hilarious people.

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