The Black Sheep
PRO FREE. CRA .. LIK STIN E YO ATIO UR S N A NOW NXI ETY DAY ATT ACK .
Vol. 3, Issue 8
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
3/6/14 - 3/12/14
TRUE BLUE ADVERTISMENTS CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS The most recent TV spots for UK should have won an Oscar for Best Picture. These Hollywood-quality pictures begin with four ridiculously good looking people, one of whom is ethnically ambiguous, happily cruising through horse country. It ends with the group skipping through campus all while uplifting music softly plays in the background. It is 30 seconds of pure false advertisement. If UK wanted to shoot a real commercial showing what life is like in the day of a student here they would need to include some of the following.
SQUIRRELS
Something your tour guide pointed out as a bogus FuN fAcT during your first visit here is the amount of squirrels on campus. If you took a John Wall shot every time one darted in front of you or leapt from a tree kamikaze-style to steal a fallen potato chip away from one its comrades, then you would be drunk within a matter of minutes. These tiny little vagrants exceed the student population on campus and if they were somehow gifted with critical thinking skills and planned a true Planet of the Apesstyle uprising then we’d all be screwed. A commercial would have to feature at least 20 slightly out of focus squirrels quietly looking into the camera to be somewhat accurate.
SLEEPING BEAUTIES
Think about the last time you were on campus when it was nice out. How many people did you see sprawled out on some
uncomfortable bench in White Hall or the Student Center? These masters of nap litter campus, their hoodies pulled tight over their faces and ear buds wedged deep in their ears. They can be found all over the place in different nooks and crannies stealing what z’s they can between their chem labs and discussion sections. Like precious babes in kindergarten they’re usually found in groups in dimly lit areas. Napping on campus is a more common practice than merrily dancing in front of the bowl at Willy T.
BASEBALL CAPS
In the commercial there’s only one hat to be seen and it’s a fedora. A FEDORA. If any student on campus is wearing a hat you best believe it’s a baseball cap. Popular amongst sorority girls and fraternity guys, the baseball cap is an accessory one can use to hide the fact they haven’t washed their hair in three days or they’re still recovering from the date party the night before. There’s the occasional ball cap with a UK logo or whatever other sports team you’re supporting at the moment, but mostly they’re just plain Jane polo caps to match the Greek shirt and regret you’re repping.
PARKING, OR LACK THEREOF
Whenever this band of Abercrombie models reach campus they park their car directly next to classroom buildings and start exploring without a second thought. Hold up. If they were actually students, even with a pass, there’s no way they could get as close as they did to campus. Or if they did, then they’d be outwardly anxious
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RACIALLY DIVERSE FRIENDS WISH TO BE LEFT ALONE UNIVERSITY PHOTOGRAPHER NEEDS TO LEARN TO RESPECT SOME DAMN BOUNDARIES.
the whole time about the fate of their car and how much towing costs or the ticket will be. To be true to UK they’d have had to spend several minutes combing side streets for an available space, and when they find one, carefully try to parallel their reasonably-sized vehicle in a spot where a golf cart would barely fit. Then these hand-
some youths would have spent a great deal of the TV spot walking to campus before excitedly running towards Willy T. in a great, metaphorical gesture of choosing higher education. If those hot-shot commercial producers took a stroll through campus they would
notice that students do anything but gallop hand in hand. The True Blue campaign just needs to be honest, and show miserable students waking up, looking at their phone, thinking about the walk to class, then rolling back over to sleep some more. That’s the true beauty of college, that’s True Blue.
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RACIALLY DIVERSE GROUP OF FRIENDS WISHES UNIVERSITY PHOTOGRAPHER WOULD STOP FOLLOWING THEM SCOTTY G WROTE THIS
Rodrigo Hernandez, Andre Williams, Kelly Shanahan, Anish Singh and Nanami Watanabe are best friends. They do all the normal things that you and your friends do, but with one difference: They’re always followed around by the school’s photographer. “I just don’t know why he’s always there,” said Anish. “We’re all just hanging out outside on a beautiful day, facing the same direction and laughing with smiles on our faces that are big enough to convince high school kids we’re having fun but small enough to make parents think we’re still serious about our studies. You know, a typical, representative college life. And the
04
photographer is right there taking aesthetically-pleasing pictures of us.” Since the group came to campus as freshmen in 2012, their pictures have been featured in over a dozen University of Kentucky pamphlets and website cover photos. Although the group has never complained to university officials about their pictures being used without consent, they can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable with the situation. “It’s really starting to get on my nerves,” said Kelly. “Last Halloween, we went to a party wearing costumes that were equally attractive and wholesome. I went as a ketchup bottle and An-
dre was mustard, can you believe it? Then, this photographer showed up and started taking surprisingly high-quality photos, perfectly catching all of us at our most appealing moments and completely cropping out the red cups we were holding. It was weird but kind of impressive at the same time.” The photographer, a grad student named Ernie Wexler, has refused to apologize for his actions. “They only pay me if I get pics that can be used for recruiting,” said Ernie, “and these kids are a gold mine. I’m like Peter Parker. I’ve got the best Spidey pictures in town, and I’m gonna' sell the shit out of them. Hey, I gotta eat too,
you know?” “Look, I appreciate his interest in the student body,” said Andre. “But why does he have to stop by our immaculately-clean dorm rooms, taking pictures of vibrantlyexpressive decorations and clearly demonstrated variety of interests?” Nanami chimed in, “One time he handed me a cello and asked me to act like I was playing it. I don’t know how to do that.” “You don’t understand,” said Ernie. “These guys are like the cast of Community. I can’t lose!” “I don’t get how he always knows where to find us,” said
Nanami. “It’s like every time we go off building a house from scratch for Habitat for Humanity, there’s Ernie, elegantly capturing our selfless nature and passion for community service. I don’t know if I should be flattered or super freaked out.”
The Dean’s office has refused to step in on the matter, noting that applications have risen 27 percent since Ernie’s photos first went into brochures. “Ernie is basically attached to us 24/7,“ said Rodrigo. “We’re sitting there in class,
and he just jumps in, finding a flawless picture of the five of us in the front row of our 8 a.m. lecture, all intently focused on the professor while taking detailed notes. Ernie’s a real pest, but you gotta give him credit. He’s a master at capturing the true college experience.”
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A LIFE BOILED OVER: THE MATT FETTY STORY DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS
Matt Fetty, a Kentucky senior, had all the makings of a titan of industry. A marketing major with a 3.91 GPA, it seemed Fetty had the whole world at his fingertips. That is, until November 15th. It was on that fateful day that Fetty’s life would be transformed forever. Stopping by friend Nolan Courvell’s house after many hours in the library, Fetty inquired as to whether there was any food in the house, as he had not eaten all day. “We don’t have much right now, but there’s some ramen in the cabinet over there,” replied Courvell. Oddly, Fetty had never heard of ramen and took a look at the nutrition facts before deciding it did not look healthy or appetizing. “But Nolan insisted,” said Fetty. “He told me that everybody was doing it, and that it would be fine just this once.” After eating his first bowl of ramen noodles, Fetty could not believe how delicious they were; his fascination only grew when he learned how incredibly cheap the noodles were. From that point on, Fetty subsisted almost entirely on ramen. “It only took me a couple times before I was addicted,” said Fetty. “After
a week, it was the only thing I ate or drank. The only solid foods I ate were the noodles, and the only thing I would drink was water mixed with the flavoring packet; usually beef flavor, but I would even settle for shrimp flavor.” It wasn’t long before ramen began to take over Fetty’s life. He lost interest in school, as it paled in comparison to the importance of obtaining more and more ramen. However, this soon became an issue as well. Within a couple weeks, Kroger began refusing to let him purchase ramen at their stores, with Publix and Wal-Mart following suit. Apparently, they feared he was using the powder to make a new drug. “We just couldn’t fathom that anyone could be eating that much ramen, and we didn’t want a lawsuit on our hands,” said Kroger manager Clint Zimmerman. From that point on, Fetty’s life was completely engulfed by acquiring ramen. “I would do anything for the chance to get ramen,” said Fetty. “I was in back alleys sucking dick for a rock of uncooked
noodles. And to make it worse, almost never did people on the street even have ramen. I mean, why would they? But if there was any chance to get my hands on some, I couldn’t resist.” After carrying on like this for a couple of weeks, Fetty no longer got the same sort of rush from simply eating ramen. He began snorting the powder, and, when that lost its edge, injecting the flavoring broth directly into his veins. Everything came to a head when Fetty was arrested for buying drugs next to Two Keys. Of course, Fetty wasn’t actually buying drugs and was released upon the discovery that it was only ramen. “At that point, I knew I had to make a change,” said Fetty. “I’m just not sure I could have made that change alone.” Luckily, when Fetty returned from jail, his friends and family were joined in his apartment, eager to perform an intervention and convince him to seek help in rehab. “We told him that he wasn’t the same anymore,” said close friend Devin Hicks. “I mean, he used to be a borderline alcoholic, but who in college isn’t? Plus, if he wanted
to be a businessman, he probably should have stuck with cocaine.” After hours of intervening and berating, Fetty finally agreed to enter a rehab center. Fetty is now in rehab and the promising life he once had now seems as if it may be possible again. “I’m doing great; better
than ever,” said Fetty. “I mean, obviously not actually better. My blood pressure is off the charts from eating 15,000% of my daily-recommended salt everyday. Plus I got HIV from sharing needles shooting the ramen broth. So I guess really I’m pretty miserable; and I would kill for some ramen right now. Literally kill.”
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ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD A CLONE, WHAT WOULD BE THE WEIRDEST THING YOU’D MAKE IT DO? Chandler, Junior
“I’d make it do all my studying, homework, quizzes, and exams, so I wouldn’t have to!”
Ethan, Freshman
“I would make him do all the stuff I was too much of a pussy to do.”
Soloman, Sophomore
“I’d make him shave completely hairless. No butt hair or anything, just to see what I’d look like.”
06
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO COMBAT THE BLUES AFTER GETTING GRADES FROM THE FIRST ROUND OF TESTS CODY FLESCH WROTE THIS
School is so much fun when there’s no work to do. But then, seemingly out of nowhere, you have to write three papers, pass five exams, and shower all within five days. So if you’re like us here at The Black Sheep, you were severely underprepared and are now feeling the sharp, guilt-ridden sting of all that drinking and napping coming back to bite you. Well, here at the top ten ways to combat your post-failure blues. 10.) Promise yourself you’ll actually start going to class: Of course this is an empty promise, but it may make you feel better. Thinking about the great student you could be if you just went to class makes it seem as if you really aren’t that deeply entrenched in your failure, and there’s the slightest possibility of climbing out of your pit of failure. 9.) Be sober at Tolly Ho: Just think of how happy you’ll make the employees when you don’t shout your order at them, slur your name, or puke in the back corner of the game room. Their happiness, coupled with how drunk and ridiculous everyone else is, will have you feeling like you may not be a complete failure.
ASK WHAT UK CAN DO FOR YOU LUKE TROXELL WROTE THIS Starting in 2017 a renovated Rupp Arena will be the crowning jewel of downtown Lexington. And since the construction will make tuition soar higher than the Kentucky legends who played there, The Black Sheep got to thinking what UK could do for us in exchange.
lacrosse team, and Willy T is about as exciting to go to as an orgy featuring Adolph Rupp and the 1920s Spice Girls.
8.) Compare your life to someone in your dorm’s janitorial staff: Nothing will give you more of an ego boost than comparing yourself to the people who clean up your puke every weekend. You, the one who left empty beer cans, condoms, and food laying around for them to clean, are just on a whole ‘nother, better level. 7.) Start stealing the UK PAWS dogs around campus: Fact: it’s impossible for someone to feel depressed when they are surrounded by four or more labrador puppies. Especially when those four or more labrador puppies attract hot sorority girls. That’s science, you can’t argue with science. 6.) Catch the foot stabber: Track down the elusive foot stabber and bring him to justice. Your parents will be so distracted by the parade held in your honor that they’ll totally forget you being on academic probation for two years. 5.) Sleep with your TA: They may not be the most attractive person in the world, but you need a miracle to get out of the academic hole you’ve dug yourself. If it works, they might, maybe, will probably not boost your exam grades, but hey, you got laid. The only thing you really have nothing to lose is your dignity, but if you’ve been at UK for more than a year, that’s been gone for a long while. 4.) Drive to UL: Witnessing a bunch of idiots wearing flat bills, sporting pencil goatee mustaches, and running around yelling “L yeah,” will definitely make you feel like a superior human being. As a bonus, you’ll get to see the people who will serve your future self at McDonald’s!
Bourbon in the Water Fountains: Kentucky is known for basketball and bourbon. If we’re pushing basketball to the top spot, wouldn’t it make sense to give bourbon a little push too? Making water fountains flood your mouth with the sweet, sweet taste of high quality Kentucky bourbon at the push of a button at would be both convenient and baller. Also, if you’re reading this Eli, a John Wall shot-filled water fountain would be nice as well.
Cats Cab Drivers who Speak Drunk: What’s more frustrating, the hour-long wait to be picked up, or the fact that the driver can speak as much English as Helen Keller? We can barely remember that sentence structure is subject then verb when we’ve been drinking at Two Keys all night, so it’d be nice if we could hop into a cab whose driver understands “I’m hungee” while rolling around on the cab floor to mean “Please sir, escort me to the nearest Tolly Ho.” It’d also be great if they were specially trained to understand everyone’s unique “pull-the-car-over-I’m-gonnathrow-up-this-fishbowl” hand gestures.
A Tunnel from South Campus to North Campus: If you haven’t been in tears from the mere thought oh having to voyage from South Campus to North Campus then you’re either a member of the UK cross country team or you never go to class. When it’s cold enough to make even the classiest penguin shit his tuxedo, then a tunnel would preserve the well-being of students, improve class attendance, and perfectly thaw ball sacks. Not to mention all the shenanigans that would go down in these tunnels. Why hasn’t this been done already?
Stronger Wifi: No matter where you’re at on campus, the Wifi is about as reliable as Willie Cauley-Stein at the free throw line. 300+ million dollars seemed to appear out of thin air when talks began to improve Rupp Arena, yet students bitch every day on Twitter about the Wifi being too shitty to do homework. Sounds like UK has their priorities in order — talk about caring more about basketball than anything. Now, if we could just get the Wifi to improve to be as reliable as Julius Randle at the free throw line, then that would suffice.
Or you can get your ass to class and submit a homework assignment or two before finals week. Your social life isn’t that crazy awesome.
Honest “See Blue” Ads: You can’t help but to hold in a gag when a See Blue ad appears with a group of culturally diverse, clean, Abercrombieworthy models running towards Willy T. with child-like Christmas grins on their faces. When really, it takes less than a semester to realize the average class has more white people than Duke’s
The sky rocket is tuition prices to cover the Rupp renovations will cost us a lot of hard earned beer money over the next few years. No beer money means no happiness, so if UK could just give us these improvements it may raise Big Blue morale just enough to survive to see the final renovations of our college hoops Taj Mahal.
3.) Spend your student loans on a tropical vacation: Since your GPA is going nowhere but south, you should too. Go ahead and get that base tan. You haven’t earned it, but that’s part of what makes it so sweet. 2.) Drown your sorrows in KG: Go down to your favorite shady drive-through liquor store on Avenue of Champions, buy that $15 bottle of regret, and start chugging. You’ll forget about your life’s failures and feel that whiskey dick set faster than a deflating water balloon. 1.) Kidnap your professor’s family: Eventually your professor will agree to raise your grade, or the SWAT team will come to kick your face in. Either way, you won’t have to care about that F for a long time.
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HISTORY’S TEN
GREATEST NUT SHOTS Good wine. Decadent food. The curves of a voluptuous woman or the utilitarian sexiness of a chiseled man. All of these things are timeless delicacies that transcend generations. Also, nut shots. Yes, there’s nothing funnier and more enjoyable to us than watching hard objects collide with testicles because it reminds us how lucky we are that our own gonads are either safely tucked away or concealed somewhere in the frightening and confusing mess of organs that are ladyparts. And even if that makes us bad people, at least it’s not, like, a NEW thing. People have been hitting each other in the nuts for as long as they’ve had the sophistication to realize how hilarious it is. The Black Sheep honors the proud tradition of kicking, punching, jumping, falling, bumping and throwing stuff at balls with history’s best, funniest, most important nutshots of the last 6,000 years.
BY: HANNAH WEYER Theodore Roosevelt Jr.- 1910: Humans know better than to mess with Teddy Roosevelt. Humans do. But while on a big game hunting trip in Africa, an elephant made the mistake of charging Roosevelt’s hunting party. Half a dozen men screamed like little infant babies and ran for cover, but Teddy held his ground. The elephant angled her leg to kick the Man-God 26th President in the nuts. The result: She broke her leg in six places and had to be put down by Roosevelt himself.
Adolf Hitler- 1941: In the thick of WWII, Hitler paid a visit to the Russian front to boost German morale. There, to display his brutish masculinity, Hitler decided to shoot a machine gun. But not like regular machine gun shooting — COOL machine gun shooting. He held the gun in front of his waist and shot. However, he miscalculated everything and the recoil left the weapon clattering around, hitting four gas masks, a lieutenant, and Hitler’s balls — repeatedly. A few seconds later when the smoke had cleared, two Germans with a functional sense of humor were laughing at the convulsing Führer. A minute later, both of them had been shot.
William Shakespeare- 1590: During rehearsal for the debut of “The Taming of the Shrew,” the actor who was meant to play Kate fell ill. Knowing a job done right would have to be done himself, Shakespeare sent him home and took his place. The actor playing Petruchio, frustrated with Shakespeare’s overly meticulous directions, seized an opportunity, “accidentally” smacking the bard in the balls during a monologue. Elizabethan men love a stiff upper lip, but Shakespeare plotted even as his actors broke character to laugh at him convulsing on the floor. Ol’ Billy decided then and there to create a world where the actors could die horribly every single night. Months later, he debuted “Titus Andronicus.”
adolf Hitler
Judas- 30 CE: As Jesus left the Temple, money changers’ tables strewn about and the sanctity of his father’s house back in order, a low mumble skittered past his ear. “Great,” the person said, “those guys had all of my silver. I had like, thirty pieces, man, now I’m never going to see it!” Enraged that one of his own folks would so much treasure earthly belongings as opposed to the promise of eternal paradise, the J-Man halted in his tracks. Turning around, he saw a sheepish Judas staring right at him. Still full of bravado, Jesus ordered his disciples to hold down the soulless betrayer, as they each took turns kicking the abomination in the balls. As Judas screamed, he made a promise to his withering nuts — he would avenge them. Oh, yes. He would have his revenge.
Josef Stalin- 1950: A psychology student in America wrote an article for her school paper, citing Freud’s theories of Oedipal frustration as the reason Joe was such a fucking dick, like all the time. Stalin procured a copy through his admittedly overpaid espionage department and went berserk. He called his advisors and embarked on a tirade of threats, including the use of the new nukes he’d been itching to try out. During the spiel, one of the advisors fell asleep. His friend noticed and shook him awake. As the advisor panicked he swung his arms about, catching the rage-pacing Stalin right in the twig and berries. Stalin keeled over, and everyone knew death was near. But Stalin laughed and patted the young man on the shoulder, and every advisor laughed too. That was the first nutshot to ever prevent thermonuclear war, and it revitalized the Russian tradition of hitting each other in the balls for fun.
Josef Stalin
Benjamin Franklin- 1777: As an American diplomat tasked with winning the French over to the side of freedom and hamburgers, Franklin experimented a lot with the Parisians. When boning didn’t work immediately, Franklin shtupped a few dozen more French floozies and came up with another plan involving his crotch. We won’t say Franklin’s Paris Slapsdick Show isn’t the only thing responsible for winning the French over with our sophistication and je ne sais pa. We’ll let history do that.
Jeanne d’Arc- 1429: Speaking of the French, did you know that they have delicate, dainty little nuts? It’s true. For hundreds of years, the mark of a true man was the ability to withstand testicular trauma. When the first naysayer punched Jean in the groin and sprained his pretty little wrist, the French army knew she was a man among men and started taking her up on her invitations to pull her finger.
Harry Whittington- 2006: Never go hunting with a vice president. Al Gore will complain about the heat, Joe Biden doesn’t know which end of the gun is the shooty part and Dick Cheney will straight-up shoot you in the balls and face. That is entirely Whittington’s fault for not knowing. He’s so sorry, again, Your Excellency the Cheney.
Jeanne d’arc
Martin Luther King Jr- 1964: By ‘64, Dr. King was well-established serial adulterer that campaigned for racial equality without all that, “left Twix/ right Twix” jazz. Today, we see Dr. King as a revolutionary peacemaker, but that’s because we aren’t Harlem Muslims in 1964. A radical sect got “mad” that “Dr.” King was “preaching” “nonviolence,” and one day when he was visiting, the Harlem kids released a barrage of rocks and vitriol straight at his lady lumps. Martin took all that he could (One. One was all that he could take.) before ending up on the ground screaming things no preacher should scream at the Harlem men. Legend has it that that was the first time the word “shitfucker” was ever uttered.
Kim Jong-un- 2012: After Kim Jong-il died, North Korea was left without a heartless dictator to threaten South Korea with nuclear war and starve the people to death. Kim Jong-il had five children, only three of whom had workable penises. Of those three, little pudding-shaped Jong-un was the youngest and the doughiest. So how did he achieve the position of Supreme Leader? We call it “roshambo” when a group of people kick each other in the nuts as hard as they can and the last one standing wins, but in Korea it’s called “KimKimSmalBalKik.” Jong-un came out on top. Is this because North Korea’s answer to the Pillsbury Doughboy has undescended testicles? Kim Jong-un approached their convulsing bodies, knelt down and whispered, “You fools. My weakness is my strength and I am eternal. Die like dogs!”
Martin Luther King Jr.
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UK FANS DISAPPEAR AFTER CRITICIZING CALIPARI, STILL MISSING TAYLOR CARDEN WROTE THIS
This is the Era of Calipari. The UK head basketball coach has been awarded National Coach of the Year three times, has led the Wildcats to the NCAA Final Four twice, and in 2012 he made the Cats NCAA National Champions. He is considered one of the strongest sports recruiters in the nation. In layman’s terms, Calipari is a basketball god. However, during the UK-South Carolina game, the Cats faced defeat. Some of the more loyal members of Big Blue Nation took appropriate action: cussed out the ref, blamed bad calls, and proceeded to kidnapped gamecocks from the nearest farm to make a point. But a few UK “fans” took to social media to vent about the game and went too far. Ever since, they’ve been missing and are presumed dead.
Jacob Billings, a 22-year-old philosophy sophomore, posted on his Twitter account after the Cats lost. His tweet read, “Calipari Sux! WTF WAS THAT GAME? #EffCalipari #Calipari #Smells #Like #DonkeyBalls.” A few hours later, Billings’ Twitter account was deleted and he disappeared from his Red Mile apartment. He has yet to be found. Danny Carlson, Billings’ roommate, said that at first he wasn’t worried about his disappearance. “Like, he was kind of a stoner, and sometimes he wandered off and would turn up later. But that night we went to the game and never made it back. It was like, weird.” Carlson took a pull on his “tobacco” pipe and ran a hand through his dreadlocks. “Usually after a game, he comes home and calls his mom to celebrate the Cats winning. I thought he couldn’t handle telling his mom that the Cats lost that night, so I assumed
he got high and wandered around Willy T. like he usually does when he’s sad.” Carlson offered to give The Black Sheep a “private tour” of Billings’ bedroom, but our reporter made the decision to leave after having an allergic reaction to the overpowering smell of patchouli. Three other disappearances were reported the same week Billings vanished. Janet Smithers, Brian DeLuca, and LeAnn Calloway all went missing the night of the UKUSC game, leaving those around them in a haze of befuddlement. But they all have one thing in common: they had insulted Calipari on Twitter. DeLuca, and literary scholar, tweeted “Calipari is the bane of my existence. A disgrace to this university in every way. How could we, predatory mammals, lose to feathery breakfast foods? #Abhorrence.” Smithers, a junior in
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accounting, wrote “Fire Calipari. If he can’t deliver a perfect season, then we need to replace him with someone who will get us some touchdowns. #BringbackJoker.” C a l l o w a y, a n e l e m e n t a r y education senior, tweeted, “F*** THAT F***ING MOTHERF***ER! CALIPARI IS A JOKE! MY F***ING G R A N D MA CO U L D COAC H BETTER!” All four students have now been missing for several weeks. According to the UK Police Department, there have been no search parties sent out. “We couldn’t get any volunteers to go look for them,” said the UK Police Chief. “We all read those tweets here at the station, and we can’t motivate any of the officers to find them after they said what they did about Calipari. Hell, even their own parents refuse to go looking for them after what they tweeted about our beloved
basketball coach.” The Kentucky Milk Farmers Association, known for putting the faces of missing children on their milk cartons to help in kidnapping or missing person cases, released this statement earlier this week: “While we find any missing persons situation regrettable, we find it is in this organization’s
best interest to refuse to put the missing UK students’ faces on our milk cartons. They made their bed, and now they’ll have to lay in it without the assistance of our milk cartons.” There has been no official word on the likelihood of the students’ survival, but many true blue Cats fans hope they suffer speculate they won’t ever return.
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the madlib
down a wikipedia hole
It all starts too innocently. I might be super bored in my ___1___ class, or high on a ___2___ night, trying to bide my time. I’ve had enough of ___3___, definitely have done my rounds on Facebook and even crept on ___4___ which just made me feel ___5___. So then I opened Wikipedia, and it was all downhill from there. I started by clicking on the main page (you didn’t even know there was one, did you?). The featured article was for the ___6___-billed water ___7___. So weird! So I clicked on that, and it’s the national animal of ___8___. So naturally I didn’t know anything about that country, and who knew that ___9___ was from there? Or, she lived there for awhile. Probably smoking ___10___ and pounding the ___11___ or the locals or whatever. And did you know that she used to date ___12___? Kind of gross. He was married to ___13___ which is weird, but what’s weirder is that she had a small role in ___14___ which led her to meeting ___15___ who somehow gave her her big break, and that’s how she became the ___16___ spokesperson. Small world! But even more fascinating is that the ___17___ sandwich was named after ___18___ and was first featured in the 1955 issue of ___19___? Oh god, you know what else is good? A ___20___. Okay, off of Wikipedia and on to GrubHub I go.
1) Subject 2) Weekday 3) Porn site 4) Long-lost friend 5) Emotion 6) Size 7) Animal 8) Country 9) Female pop star 10) Drug 11) Instrument 12) Older male celebrity 13) Really old female celebrity 14) Popular movie 15) Random celebrity 16) Chain restaurant 17) Type of sandwich 18) Cartoon character 19) Magazine 20) Another type of sandwich
15
six degrees of separation
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