Vol. 3, Issue 9
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
GRE
EN
FRE DYE E... LI IN Y KE OUR BEE
R.
3/13/14 - 3/26/14
LEXINGTON’S BEST
SPRING BREAK STAYCATIONS LUKE TROXELL WROTE THIS
Spring break is here and you can’t afford to do anything fun. But have no fear, The Black Sheep, is here to offer some advice on a Lexington staycation. While it may not sound ideal at first, a spring break staycation has a lot to offer.
BECOME A TWO KEYS REGULAR (IF YOU ALREADY AREN’T)
Are all your friends going to Daytona Beach without you? Are you too poor to even afford going home for spring break? Can you not get off work long enough to punish your liver in the form of a weeklong bender? If you weirdly nodded “yes” at this paper you’re holding, then we have the answer: Two Keys. Two Keys fell from the heavens for this very reason. Beat the boredom and cabin fever by spending more time a Two Keys than that old local who sits at the end of the bar ordering Miller Fortunes and talking about his dog. Your liver may not like you after the week is over, but after a week you’ll have every bartender in your back pocket – and that will come in handy, trust us.
GET HYPED FOR MARCH MADNESS
If you’re new around here or were only around for last year’s atrocious March performance, then you probably don’t understand the level of fandom exhibited in Lexington during this lovely time of year. When we have a chance to hang a banner, we don’t refrain from doing
whatever is necessary to help our Cats. So, kick of your spring break by painting EVERYTHING you own blue. Paint your dog blue, paint your refrigerator blue, and paint your family heirlooms blue. Scream the C-A-T-S chant at the top of your lungs anytime UK scores this March — even if you’re alone in your apartment while your friends are basking in the Florida sun. We have a 0.01% chance to hang another banner, so we might as well go out in a blaze of blue glory.
CREATE A BEACH ON CAMPUS
The bowl outside of Willy T is already used for sledding during the winter months, so why not throw a big-ass tarp over it, fill it full of water, and create a spring break getaway? After this all you need to do is spread some sand around the bowl and you have a perfect beach. Other supplies needed would include: a shit ton of beer, beach chairs, red Solo cups, tables, pong balls, attractive beach goers, a giant water hose, a sun, and a world where this could actually be possible.
THROW PARTIES IN K LOT
Everybody will be gone, K Lot is a big ass area, and there’s a huge stadium right in the middle of it. If you don’t immediately envision the hell-banger of all hang-bangers, then you don’t have a pulse. Many a’ keg could be floated, many a’ sloot could be slayed, and many a’ brain
cell could be murdered during this K-lot banger. If all this sounds wonderful, but you’re really into after-parties we have two words for you: Commonwealth, baby. Nobody goes there anyway, so you’re
even more in the clear during spring break. Also, even though it’s storm season during spring break, you’ll be safe, that place hasn’t seen a touchdown since the Miliard Fillmore administration.
Staycations can actually be a better time than going away for some people. You won’t spend as much money and if you do go to jail, Lexington isn’t as far drive for your parents to come bail you out.
PAGE 4
PAGE 7
PAGES 10-11
WHY CAN’T WE BLEED GREEN TOO?
TOP 10: WAYS TO GET INTO THE ST. PATTY’S DAY SPIRIT
ST. PATTY’S DAY ADVICE FOR THE GINGER MALE
HEY, US WILDCATS LIKE TO PRETEND WE’RE IRISH JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU!
DON SOME GREEN CLOTHES, GRAB A BEER AND GET TO CELEBRATING!
KEEP UP WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
IT’S THE ONE DAY A YEAR YOU WHERE YOU GET TO THRIVE, SO DON’T MESS IT UP.
>>
Meet the Staff <<
CAMPUS MANAGER Olivia McCoy
PROMOTIONS TEAM Phyllicia Lindo
EDITORIAL MANAGER Mary Venuto
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Quinn Myers
ADVERTISING MANAGERS Tyler Flatt
OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Lucas Trouxell, Rebecca Anderson Taylor Carden, Cassandra Shouse Cody Flesch DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Daina Kaugars SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com HATE US? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Follow us! @UKBLACKSHEEP â&#x20AC;˘ THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
WORD, MAN
#GOODTIMES #THEBLACKSHEEP
MALPROPOSITION
GUESS THE MASCOT
@UKBLACKSHEEP
An offer made to another party with ulterior motives clearly in mind. The theater majors ended up awkwardly studying xylem for several hours after Bert’s malproposition of, “learning biology together” was misunderstood by Karen.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW
YOUR MEMES?
DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THIS FAMOUS MEME? TWEET US @UKBLACKSHEEP - FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!
TWEET US @UKBLACKSHEEP • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: ALABAMA BIG AL
STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE? TWEET US @UKBLACKSHEEP FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: GENE SHALIT
LAST WEEK’S: ANNOYING FACEBOOK GIRL
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
WHY CAN’T WE BLEED GREEN TOO? CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS
Sure, we’re a college where the majority of the student body is predominately white with little to no Irish heritage. And we’re in the South, miles away from the schools in Boston and the ultimate Irish alma mater, Notre Dame. But that does mean we should be excluded from the epic debauchery that inevitably comes with St. Patrick’s Day? After all we’re one of the hardest partying schools in the Bible Belt, haven’t we the right to celebrate with the best of them? We’re all aware of the chaos that followed the NCAA championship game when we won our eighth title. Imagine if we channeled all that energy and excitement into a weeklong St. Patrick’s Day bash. It’d entail arrests, couch burnings, and in reaching for our true Irish roots, gun firing . Even if we have no real ties to the Emerald Isle, Wildcats at least embody the rambunctious spirit of the Irish. We go hard whenever there isn’t really a reason. Here is this whole holiday where any outrageous behavior is not only excused, but encouraged as well, it’s perfect for us. We damn well deserve to party our faces off in honor of the great Saint Patrick himself.
04
So, what would The Black Sheep like to see more of during this most excellent of holidays? First of all, there’s not nearly enough green in the bluegrass. There’s one measly green top hat on sale at New Kroghetto and a handful of beads. In a city where blue and white dominate it’d be nice if for once we embraced a new color, green! Along with the beauty that is green ‘erthang, there’s the added bonus of having an excuse to pinch that stranger’s butt at Two Keys if they’re not wearing the color. It’s the one holiday of the year where stranger danger is completely forgotten as everyone becomes brothers in arm, arm in arm, chugging beers, singing Dropkick Murphys at the top of their lungs, and pinching the absolute shit out of each other. As for campus, it’s cold and lifeless. We’re having a soul-sucking winter that is not only drawing the life out of the foliage, but our sprits as well. There could be gold and green tapestries strewn everywhere. The amazing, uplifting, art of river dance could be brought to the Singletary Center and the Greeks on campus would have yet another reason to drink and throw massive parties under the guise of philanthropy.
Lexington as a whole hasn’t been too into St. Patty’s Day traditions. Sure, there’s the fun to be had downtown, and the handful of pubs that exist that offer day of specials, but that isn’t enough! Let’s change that. From now on, let’s make St. Patty’s Day a huge sendoff to spring break. It’s our last chance to go all out on campus before everyone leaves for a week, plus
when we get finals are right around the corner. The Black Sheep proposes everyone get out on the 17th, wear green, start drinking at 8 a.m. and let’s start this tradition! Face it, rioting for the basketball team probably isn’t going to happen, and this campus needs a reason to come together in drunken revelry. And that, friends, will be St.Patty’s Day 2014.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF
THAT GIRL REBECCA ANDERSON WROTE THIS
We’ve seen that girl in small snippets here and there throughout the day. But don’t you Wildcats ever wonder what she’s doing when she’s not walking into class late or twerking at Two Keys on a Thursday night? The Black Sheep followed that girl around for a day so you wouldn’t have to (trust us, you don’t want to) and here’s what we found. Waking up each morning, she grabs her shower caddy, and heads to her Blanding 4 community bathroom. After plugging in the boombox, tuning into 104.5 The Cat, and turning the volume to the loudest setting, she steps into the shower. After 45 minutes of scream-singing to Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus, she steps out of the shower, leaving her disposable razor on the floor and several strands of her hair on the shower wall. Bursting into her dorm room and flipping on all of the lights, oblivious to her roommate’s “shut the fuck up, I’m sleeping” groans, she hops on her bed, chatting away about last night’s black out. Bragging about her @UKMakeouts Twitter debut, and how she wishes she had gotten that Kappa Sig’s number, she starts getting dressed — but not before she plugs in her iHome and blares her “lUkE BrYaN is HAWT” playlist. Later on, after ordering her venti non-fat Caramel Macchiato made with half soy, half milk, with two shots of espresso and a cherry on top, she picks up her drink with a “That took long enough,” and heads out into the South Campus complex. Seeing two of her friends walking to class, she calls their attention and takes her time in meandering on over to them. Somehow she gets them to agree to adopt her bedazzled TurningPoint clicker, and answer attendance questions for her during their shared chemistry lecture. She walks away with a sly smile, and decides it’s time for a nap.
Rising again at 1 p.m., she changes into her never sweated-in Lululemon yoga gear and starts primping her hair and applying mascara for her trip to the Johnson Center. Wearing nothing but a sports bra and said yoga pants, she heads straight for the first floor weight room. There, amidst all the sweaty Phi Delts and engineering majors wearing jeans, she pumps five-pound dumbbells, voluntarily separated from all of her other female fitness enthusiasts on the second floor. That night, after ripping apart her roommate’s closet in search of something to wear, she decides the skintight mini-skirt and crop top along with five-inch heels is the perfect outfit to wear out, despite the snow on the ground and the winter weather advisory in effect until 3 a.m. When she finally makes it to the pregame, she bursts through the door with a fifth of Burnett’s, and shrieks at the sight of her friends because it’s just been such a long time since they saw each other at Ovid’s three hours ago. Like clockwork, she’s white girl wasted within an hour. The party turns into be a blur as she walks around the party house basement by herself, screaming for her posse, not knowing that they left an hour ago. She eventually falls, and thank God that kid from her marketing class is there to catch her… with his lips. Standing against a support beam while “Drop It Low,” is radiating in the background, she loses herself in his face, and someone is lucky enough to snap a picture. We all know that girl. However most only know her in small snippets — passed out at a tailgate, crying at a party because someone called her rachet, or hashtagging three thousand emojis on Instagram. But now you know what she does on a daily basis. You’re welcome, universe.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU COULD BE THE PATRON SAINT OF SOMETHING, YOU’D BE THE PATRON SAINT OF… Reed, Freshman
“Greek God of stealing yo girl.”
Ashley, Freshman
“Goddess of teased hair.”
Tanner, Junior
“God of ‘da pussy.”
06
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
WAYS TO GET INTO THE ST. PATRICK’S DAY SPIRIT DANIEL McGINLEY WROTE THIS
St. Patty’s Day is here, so it’s time to don some green clothes, pick up a four-leaf clover, and get to celebrating – the Irish way!
BALLS DEEP IN KENTUCKY:
UK DODGEBALL TEAM LANDS NEW REALITY SHOW TAYLOR CARDEN WROTE THIS The University of Kentucky dodgeball team represents all the best things about college life: athletics, school spirit, moderate to severe violence/injuries, and grown men taking balls to the face. Which is why MTV has decided to feature them in their new up and coming reality TV show, Balls Deep in Kentucky. Jones McCally, the MTV representative responsible for bringing the show to air, says that he feels this kind of television content is exactly what viewers need. “Nothing is more alluring than a bunch of sweaty men hurling rubber balls at one another. Especially when there’s ten seconds on the clock, the best player is bleeding out from a ball-related injury, and the other team is the local Lexington AA group. This is television!” Blake“The Cannon”Cannon, the UK dodgeball team captain, says he hopes this show will bring some positive light to Kentucky. “Right now, the world sees Kentucky as a place for fried chicken, the Turtle Man, hicks, and U of L fans… we hope our show reflects what Kentucky is really about — sweat, endurance, and voluntarily putting yourself in situations where balls narrowly whiz by your face.” Sarah Evans, the only girl on the team, expressed limited excitement about the upcoming show. “I’m literally only here because that MTV guy said there needed to be a girl on the team to make things ‘sexier.’ How the hell is dodgeball sexy?” Evans then took an Instagram selfie in her “special bikini uniform” surrounded by dodgeballs with the caption “#boredasballs.” “Of course dodgeball is sexy!” insisted Jones McCally. “That movie about dodgeball a few years ago... what was it called? The one with Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller? And they played dodgeball? Well whatever it was, it was so sexy. Everyone loved it,” he continued. “So naturally, MTV specializes in hip shows that have to do with sexiness, athletics, rabid animals, pregnancy, salad lettuce… basically anything but music. So this show will definitely be a hit!”
McCally says that the show will consist of moving the entire UK dodgeball team together into a 3-story house, where the audience will enjoy watching them live their glamorous, drama-filled lives. If an argument breaks out between two team members, show host Bill Cosby will enter and engage the two team members in a dodgeball death match. “Whoever loses in the dodgeball fight to the death is ultimately out of the house. Kicked off dodgeball Island, so to speak,”said McCally. When asked how they got Bill Cosby to do this, McCally explained “Dude’s like 98 years old. Surround him with a bunch of white UK dodgeball players and I’m pretty sure he’ll assume he’s dead, surrounded by glistening angels.” The final two team members at the end of the season will then play an Ultimate Balls to the Wall match, where the winner will be determined. “The winner,” said McCally, “gets seven minutes in heaven with Jennifer Lawrence. Well, that’s the plan anyway. I’m waiting to hear back from her agent, but I’ve got Stone Cold Willow waiting as a backup if JLaw falls through.” Derek “Balls-on-ya” Balsyania, UK senior in accounting, said this show is a great opportunity for the future of the team. “We’ll probably get a lot more attention after the show airs and we’re famous. Just look at the AccoUstiKats. They went on some lame singing show, didn’t even make it past a few episodes, and now chicks are practically throwing their panties at them. And by practically, I mean they’re not. But they’re thinking about it!” Balsyania then gestured to his outfit. “We even have a sponsor, so we got new uniforms!” The jerseys, sponsored by Premier Laser Hair Removal, read ‘smooth balls are the best balls. Go Cats!’ The show is scheduled to air in May. It’s also predicted to break Twitter with the onslaught of ball-related innuendos that only a show about 20 dodgeball-playing men (and one woman) living in a house together could create.
10.) Buy a Case of Guinness: What better way to start off than by partaking in Ireland’s most famous export, Guinness? And while you’re nursing your dry stout, think about the 110,000 Irish children living in households with alcohol-addicted parents. 9.) Rock Out to The Pogues: Play the classic “Fairytale of New York” and marvel at both Kirsty MacColl’s powerful guest vocals and at how a Mexican millionaire was able to get away with murdering her by paying an employee to take the blame and pay a paltry fine in lieu of jail. 8.) Dress Up Like a Leprechaun: Ireland’s most famous mythical figure is a fun way to give a “tip’o’th’hat” to its historic culture. For extra fun, try recreating the part of Irish mythology where leprechauns – literally the descendants of Celtic deities – were conquered and forced to live underground by foreigners. 7.) Eat Some Lucky Charms: Start the day the Irish way with these sugary odes to that favorite accessory of youth, the charm bracelet. Enjoy the memory while it lasts, because thanks to culturallyappropriating brands like Lucky Charms and a 33%+ childhood obesity rate, kids won’t be able to fit the bracelets around their wrists much longer. 6.) Take Advantage of a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” Button: Today’s the day everyone gets to feel that famous Irish love! One in four college females will be sexually assaulted during her academic career, 50% of those alcohol related. 5.) Give a Good Jab to the Arm of Someone Wearing Orange: Everyone knows the Irish color is green! Reinforce the traditions that have torn the Emerald Isle apart for 400 years by singling out and inflicting casual violence upon those who may have Protestant sympathies. 4.) Wear a “Luck’o’ th’ Irish” T-Shirt: It’s ok, non-Irish; you can get in on the native spirit too! Get a “wee lil’” bit of the famed luck that led to mass starvation, institutionalized racism, and massacres by the English for yourself. 3.) Eat Some Corned Beef and Cabbage: The traditional Irish meal will give you a much-needed respite between all the empty-stomach drinking you’ve been doing. While you eat and relax with your friends, try discussing how corned beef production produced a source of wealth and nourishment indispensable for the transatlantic slave trade of the English and French. 2.) Attend a Traditional Roman Catholic Latin Mass: As you let the undecipherable words wash over you, think about how the religion that was the sole source of hope for many destitute, semi-literate Irish was also kept inaccessible to them by an impassable language barrier. 1.) Down an Irish Car Bomb: You better drink up, because when you drop that shot of Bailey’s and Jameson into your Guinness, it’ll curdle up quicker than a bomb exploding in an otherwise quiet Belfast street, tearing families and friends apart both emotionally and physically.
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend
- Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today! Availab
College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball, LIVE MUSIC!! Follow Us on Twitter!
Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!
#collegenight 5pm - 2:30am All Night Long! $1 Fireball Shots, $2 Beers, $3 Wells
Punch Out with R&B Sides Live
Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells
Friday 3/14
Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots
LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 135 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar
Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music
Ladies Night! 5pm - 2:30pm No Cover for Ladies
$4 Fireball
$4 Bombs
Saturday 3/15
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands
Say it ain’t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm
OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!
$6 Pitchers until 6pm
Come party at Trust!
$3 Patty’s Devil Apple
$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls
Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Join us at 5 with 2 for 1 wells, $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY!! FREE WIFI! The Walking Dead on the JumboTron at 8!
Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)
Closed
$1 Shit Cans
$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys
Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm
Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers
Closed
St. Patrick’s Day $1 Green Beers
$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars
Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single!
OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm
Closed
$2 Wells Goldfish Racing
$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers
$6.50 Pitchers FREE COVER, 1/2 OFF Your total tab LIVE MUSIC @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, for anyone in the service $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, industry! $4 Fireball shots! 10 PM til close
Happy Hour 2-7pm $6 Pitchers, $5 Quesadillas at 7pm
Closed
Happy Hour All Day
Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close
Wednesday 3/19
MONDAY St. Patrick’s Day $1 Green Beers!
Sunday 3/16
Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!
Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM!
FRIDAY! Ladies Night! 5pm - 2:30pm No Cover for Ladies
Monday 3/17
SUNDAY: DOORS OPEN AT 5, ENJOY 2 FOR 1 WELLS AND $7 DOMESTIC PITCHERSPOOL, SKEEBALL AND MORE! COME ENJOY THE WALKING DEAD on our JumboTron!
Tuesday 3/18
WEDNESDAY: $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
Thursday 3/13
The Bar Grid
ble for iPhone and Android Available for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Availa
SIGN & SAVE: LIMITED TIME SPECIALS APPLY FOR FALL 2014 @ LEXINGTONSTUDENTHOUSING.COM
SAVE $150 WITH ZERO DEPOSIT SPACES STILL AVAILABLE THE TOWNHOMES AT NEWTOWN CROSSING
LOW RATES STARTING AT $499 + SAVE $330 WITH ZERO DOWN MARCH 7-23 ROYAL LEXINGTON
$120 GIFT CARD OR NEW LOW RATES + SAVE $355 WITH ZERO DOWN MARCH 7-23 NEWTOWN CROSSING
SAVE $305 WITH ZERO DOWN MARCH 7-23 ONLY 524 & 525 ANGLIANA
Rates & fees subject to change. See office for details. Limited time only. Select floor plans only.
St. pAtty’s Day advice For the ginger male NIC KANAAR WROTE THIS For one night of the year, redheaded men aren’t the butt of every joke, or on the bottom of every woman’s “would never bang” list. It’s a day where the entire town’s main priority is to get irrevocably smashed, and your red mane could be at the center of it all. It’s a night to remember, and after ten hours of drinking, hopefully you will. Follow the tips on the next page and you’ll celebrate Saint Patrick like he would have wanted: red hot and on fire. Have a drink on us, you “Irish” bastards.
There’s one
glorious day of the year...
...when green beer and social intoxication runs rampant throughout bars across the nation: St. Patty’s Day. Not only does this day promote mind-altering, bone-crushing, party animal behavior, but it also recognizes a group of people not normally celebrated for, well, anything. We’re talking to you, male gingers of America. You deserve a break from the torments brought onto you by your tan, freckle-less, dark-haired peers, yes, you dserve a day when everyone embraces your “uniqueness.” Redheaded women have escaped the teasing that has escalated over the past ten years thanks to the likes of Isla Fisher, Kate Mara, and Jessica Rabbit, but that doesn’t mean a Ginger man can’t rule one very drunk day of the year. This redheaded writer from The Black Sheep has the tips to ensure the ginger gentleman’s St. Patty’s Day includes one hell of a night.
Go Red AND Green: Obviously you’re gonna want to wear a shit-ton of green, but be smart about it. Instead of instinctually covering up your fiery hair with some kind of hat, let your fire burn for the world to see. Everyone who notices you and your hair on St. Patty’s Day is going to assume you’re Irish, and this is the one day you don’t have to deny your potato-humping heritage. Even if you aren’t a man of Celtic persuasion, by exposing your red hair you’ll have more free beer flying at your face then you’ll know what to do with. You’ll be a St. Patty’s Day guest of honor and drunk people will want to pay you a drunken tribute. Keep that funny hat off and play the Irish role people want you to play. Becoming a novelty happens at a price, and in this case, that price is copious amounts of free booze. If you’re really committed, which you should be, put on an Irish accent to compliment your green appearance. People enjoy authenticity, so fake that shit. Girls can be suckers for a man with an accent, and what better time to try it out than on a night where people are hammered by noon? With the right amount of practice, any redhead could sound like the foreign strange every girl dreams of. Besides, you could get away with saying anything as long as you emphasize the accent. Instead of getting slapped for saying “top o’ the morning to ya, would you like to sit on my face?” they’ll assume your “Irish” ass is charming.
Don’t Forget Your Lucky Charms: If you’re going to go overboard with the outfit and go full leprechaun, that’s fine too. The Black Sheep suggests you carry a small loot of fake gold coins in your pocket with your phone number etched on each one. Think about it: you walk up the bar wearing green overalls and stand next to some six-foot-tall brunette babe. Order your beer and immediately buy her a drink as well. Before she has time to thank you, flick her one of the gold coins, give her a wink and walk away with as much swagger that your green clogs will allow you. That woman will be balancing your “lucky charms” on her green stained tongue before the nights over. Speaking of props, this next trick should be done well into the drunken night. We call this one the “Green Jesus,” and it’s easy to execute. Beforehand, head to your local supermarket and purchase a small container of green food coloring. This is what most cheap bars use to give the beer that disturbing yet flavorless greet tint. Target a woman sipping on clear liquor and gather up her female friends to form a crowd. Run your fingers through your red locks and tell them all you are an “Irish Wizard.” Palm the small vile of green dye and hover your hand over her drink allowing a few drops to plummet down into the glass. Quickly pocket the dye, and give the glass a quick shake as you dazzle the crowd with some spirit fingers. As the clear rum suddenly turns green, give the female crowd a slight bow and let the bartender know he’s going to need a mop.
Your Dropkick Murphys: Another important thing to keep in mind as you head out to the festivities is the crew you bring. Like normal, keep your “Ice Man” and “Goose” close to your side as they benefit and help aid your ginger stardom, but not if they too are of the redhead persuasion. Having more than one bush fire in a group of male friends is a problem in itself, but especially during St. Patty’s Day. Multiple copper heads packed into a crowded bar brings down the rarity, thusly taking away your spotlight as you attempt to do a “jig” on a pool table in hopes of applause. No redhead has ever achieved fame by partnering up with another redhead. And no, Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap does not count. Make your crew of “tanners” celebrate you as well. When people see you enter a party or a bar on top of your friend’s shoulders they’ll know you’re a big deal. Have them all learn some Irish folk songs and even some Irish toasts, you’ll demand attention when your entire crew sings with green beers raised in the air. Once people see how cool having a ginger around on St. Patty’s day is, they’ll be begging to join your gang. Hang a sign off of your tallest friend that reads “no fatties” and let the selection begin. Gather up the town’s hotties and you’re crew will be the center of attention, with your shamrock ass leading the pack.
Get Her Down on your Dublin: The after party is the time to put the icing on the carrot cake. If your newly-acquainted female companion is still hesitant about sleeping with a soulless pale-face, then we have one grand finale to seal the deal. Carefully paint the seven colors of the rainbow on your pink penis for some obvious Irish fun. By decorating your crank, you’re not only showing the girl what’s at the end of the rainbow, but you’re also saying “Hey, I like to have fun.” What kind of paint do you use? We have no idea. The Black Sheep was a little apprehensive about researching penis paints, so we’ll leave that up to you, just get back to us. If the woman is repulsed by your creativeness, then pack in your four-and-a-half inch rainbow, turn off The Wizard of Oz soundtrack you put on for emphasis, and move on to the next potato groupie.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
SPACE JAM 2 LEAKED SCREENPLAY SCOTTY G WROTE THIS After Space Jam’s newly-announced sequel was hyped to monstarnomical proportions weeks ago, it didn’t take long for the internet to do what it does best, which is intrusively hacking the ever-loving shit out of laptops of Hollywood execs. Here’s what we found when The Black Sheep stole—er, “discovered” a leaked draft of the sequel’s script: Space Jam 2 INT. UNITED CENTER - NIGHT Montage of the 2015 NBA All Star Game in Chicago. The crowd oohs and aahs as LEBRON JAMES steals a pass and sprints down the court, throwing down his signature wide-outstretched one-handed dunk. The buzzer sounds for the end of the game. ADAM SILVER, the new NBA commissioner, comes out to center court with a microphone. ADAM SILVER Despite the tremendous financial success of the league, we’re about to embark on a
new format that will make boatloads of money.
his fingers across multiple scars. He tries to bend his legs, winces in pain and lays back down. The phone rings and he answers.
The doors to the locker room slam shut just before the players have left the court. ADAM SILVER As you can see in this fine-print clause in the recent collective bargaining agreement, “The best players in the world will stay in the United Center from now until forever, playing basketball to a sold-out crowd 24/7.” Silver transforms right before their eyes into MR. SWACKHAMMER, the cigar-smoking villain from Space Jam. SWACKHAMER uses his mystical powers to turn the players into dead-eyed basketball zombies who cannot stop playing. INT. SUBURBAN CHICAGO DAY DERRICK ROSE groggily sits up in bed and pushes the covers off to look at his knees, running
VOICE D, it’s time to come back. The league needs you. ROSE I can’t. I’m finished. VOICE I know your third knee injury was bad enough to send you into retirement, but you’re the only one left who might have a chance to beat them. The voice explains the predicament with the All-Stars stuck in Chicago, and that Rose needs to assemble a team to beat them, setting the players free from SWACKHAMER’s contract. ROSE If I’m gonna have any chance, I’ll need your help. VOICE
Those days are over. I can’t help you ... but I know who can. The man hangs up the phone, and we see 6 NBA Championship rings on his fingers. BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK, LOLA, ELMER FUDD, and the whole gang of Looney Tunes show up at ROSE’s front door. He opens the door and they flood in, cracking jokes about how weird the real world is. In his kitchen, BUGS finds a bag of baby carrots in the fridge and falls in love. PEPE LE PEW grabs a bag of sliced bread. They all get to practicing on ROSE’s backyard court, and things look grim. ROSE can barely run and none of the Tunes are any good at basketball. DAFFY comes across ESPN The Magazine and discovers the world of sabermetrics. By applying the tenets of advanced statistics like True Shooting Percentage, Player Efficiency Rating, and Per-
LADIES NIGHT EVERY FRIDAY 5PM - 2:30 AM NO COVER FOR LADIES
123 WEST MAIN STREET • LEXINGTON • TRUSTLEX.COM
centage of Field Goals Assisted, the team quickly improves into an impressive group that plays smart, unselfish basketball. They head to the United Center and challenge SWACKHAMMER’s AllStars to a game. INT. UNITED CENTER - NIGHT In the first five minutes of the game, The Tune Squad is keeping it close, until zombie JOAKIM NOAH commits a flagrant foul on ROSE, badly hurting his knee. The team starts to give up a huge lead. BUGS calls a timeout. BUGS BUNNY I have a plan, but I need someone to lead the team until halftime. Enter BRIAN SCALABRINE. BRIAN SCALABRINE I GOT THIS. BUGS takes ROSE to Looney Tune Land, where they can bend the normal rules of real-
ity to heal his knee instantly. Meanwhile, the Tunes have fallen behind by a huge margin at halftime. With his newly healed knee, ROSE leads a tremendous comeback. In the final seconds, the Tune Squad is down by two. ROSE dribbles down the court, getting through a double team with an insane crossover-spinmove combo. He drives to the hoop and takes off from the free throw line. The zombie AllStars collapse on ROSE, trying to block his dunk. At the last moment, ROSE dishes the ball to the corner, where BUGS catches it and gains the game winning three at the buzzer. The Tunes celebrate, and the zombie All-Stars regain control
of their bodies, joining in on the celebration. SWACKHAMMER So what, now that you’ve beaten the best players, you ARE the best players! Now I have you! You have to play here forever! He starts to put his spell on ROSE and the Tunes, but just then, the Monstars come onto the court and counteract his powers, turning SWACKHAMMER into a zombie who is forced to walk around selling popcorn in the stadium forever. Watching the game from the upper deck, the man with 6 rings smiles as he takes a sip of his drink from a water bottle labeled “secret stuff.”
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Relationship Status: Single
BARTENDER
Major: Exercise science Favorite Drink: Vodka water Favorite Shot: Gatorade Disgusting Drink: Gin and tonic
ROCKSTAR
How often do you have to deal with nudity as part of your job?: Depends on if Mason is in town or not.
OF THE WEEK Cassie of Tin Roof
Like, what trends do you expect to be totes fetch this spring?: Fireball Who is the best drunk in media history?: Blake Shelton, I feel like he’d be fun to party with. What do you want to be when you grow up?: An occupational therapist The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is…: Kentucky, duh!
What is one of the worst experiences with that?: Getting flashed for free shots.
What’s the most sensuous thing about the lost art of sensuality?: Sensuality
What’s the best go-to dance move, and why?: The Mandy, ‘cause you gotta werk it werk it.
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because the best bartenders are in it!
COME GET YOUR FADE ON at Ginger’s Barbershop! MEN: $3 OFF WITH THIS AD!
HOURS:
MON. - FRI.: 9am - 6pm • SAT.: 8am - NOON 212 W Maxwell Street, Lexington • 859-254-4464
LET’S PLAY ST. PATTY’S DAY BINGO NUDITY
GREEN BEER
SOMEONE ASLEEP
STRIPED SOCKS
GREEN EGGS OR HAM
A FIGHT
DROPKICK MURPHYS SHIRT
THIS SIGN
PUKE
A DRINKING TICKET
SOMEONE CRYING A PADDY WAGON DRUNK OLD MAN
A COP
A BEER BONG
GREENMAN
LEPRECHAUN HAT
A WIPEOUT
A MAKEOUT
OUTDOOR PEEING
A BAGS GAME
A DRUNK ASIAN
MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA
INDOOR SUNGLASSES
the crossword
famous jo(h)n’s
ACROSS: 2) Jon Bon Jovi’s real last name. 4) This John was a 1930’s bank robber, and also has a band with his name in the title. 5) A “John” might refer to someone who is the leader of a group of what? 8) HIs real name is Philip Clapp, the original Jackass. 9) John Cena’s primary occupation is in what? 11) Uncle Jesse, two words. 14) John Madden was the coach of this town’s team when they won the Super Bowl in 1976. 17) The “F” in John F. Kennedy. DOWN: 1) The second president of the United States, two words. 3) This John ran against Barack Obama in 2008. 6) Johnny Depp won the Golden Globe for Best Actor in 2008 for which movie, two words? 7) John Goodman is best known for his role as the dad in this sitcom. 8) John Mayer recently broke up with this pop star, two words. 10) The prominent medical university, Johns what? 12) “Sittin on the John” might refer to sitting on a what? 13) Johnny Cash often sang at this prison. 13) The famous Beatle who sang “Imagine.” 16) We might know this John best as Danny Zuko.
15
the wordsearch
Tast
the month of march
r, e Bee w Prices m o s Awe , and Lo e y Win
THE PARTY STARTS HERE! ONLY!
A St. Patty’s Day Staple!
Draught/Stout $899 Guiness 6-pack bottles
$2299 Baileys Irish Cream (750ml)
$2899 Jameson Irish Whiskey (750ml)
561 S BROADWAY ROAD • LEXINGTON • (859) 317-8733 LOCATED AT THE LEX APARTMENT COMPLEX
Green Beer Leprechaun Rainbows Shamrock Shake Celtic Clovers Irish Saint Patrick Kiss Me Spring Break Sunshine Margaritas Mardi Gras Spring Sunburns Aloe Vera Wet T-Shirt Contest Beach Novelty Tees Midterms