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Volume 1, Issue 1 11/1/12 - 11/7/12
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Top 10: Things You Could Barter for a ‘Bama ticket Kricket S. Dezendorf wrote this
Mettenberger, don’t let us down! Now that you shaved that awful moustache, maybe we can focus on football. Tiger fans are searching high and low for a seat to the most anticipated footballing adventure of the year. Here are the top 10 things The Black Sheep thinks you should barter to get a highly coveted ticket to the LSUAlabama game. 10.) Your Job: With prison labor and the recession screwing you out of money already, who cares about that shitty job? Money is unnecessary when everyone is drunk and tailgating, and beer isn’t even sold in Death Valley. Hey, you could always sell your plasma for a fifth of Captain Morgan, too. Diet of ramen noodles, here we come! High blood pressure and low self-worth? Totally a fair trade! 9.) Your Degree: So you’ve spent four (or five or six) years at LSU - this is a once in a lifetime experience. Unless you have a degree in Chemical Engineering, your degree is useless in Baton Rouge anyway, right? You want our English degree so people think yew reed gud? Take it. History? We’re doomed to repeat it anyway. Philosophy? What is is, man? 8.) Your iPhone5: Panorama photos? The new Apple Maps? A new bigger screen? Who cares? You’ll lose it on the back end of a bender in a few months; you might as well get something out of it. Sure, Steve Jobs may haunt you for this crime against technology, but you’ll have nightmares forever if you miss this game. 7.) Your Parking Spot: Times are tough around the parking lots at LSU. Some tell tales of stalking fellow students, others speak of waiting 30 minutes or more in Parker Lot for a straggler to emerge from the crosswalk and free up a spot. Others turn tricks to park trucks. Lot space is a precious commodity around LSU. Charge accordingly.
way. What? You don’t remember signing the suicide pact when you enrolled here? Well, we can’t bear to see Nick Saban win.
well… knowing your nightlife habits, you’ll have a new one to carry around soon enough.
6.) Your Fall Break: Oh shit, never mind. We’ll never trust anyone named Isaac again.
4.) Your Vote: Participate in politics? No, that vote isn’t as important as the Alabama game. Football affects your life far more than a tax break that’ll be repealed before you’re forced into the real world. The Romney campaign is looking for votes - maybe they could even pull some strings to get you 50-yard line seats.
2.) Your Virginity (If You Still Have It): Nothing says “I love you” like tickets to a football game. It’s definitely worth your delicate little cherry. When he leaves you unsatisfied after some two-pump chumpage, at least you’ll have the memories of an LSU victory.
5.) Your Kidney: You have two, right? Didn’t you learn to share? Don’t worry about the long-term effects of drinking - if LSU loses we’ll all Heaven’s Gate our way outta this plane of existence any-
3.) Your Firstborn: Yeah, okay, so this is a bit sinister. But seriously, the kid will understand when he grows up. Of course you won’t be able to tell him about it because you gave him up, but oh
the guys to avoid in college
what’s inside from the streets
Boys, boys everywhere and not a one that thinks.
What would you do for ’Bama tickets?
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1.) Your Immortal Soul: There is no reason to live if you cannot go to the ‘Bama game. Your soul is useless. There is no god without football. There is no life without victory. Doom or die.
making yolo your life motto
If you’re not three piercings deep with a lip tattoo, then you’re not doing it right.
page 9
contents page 6: Very Adult
Entertainment: Piccadilly Announces Bar for Elderly
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
Old people like getting hammered too, just ask your grandpa.
Table of
page 6: the top 10: Questions for Our Presidential Candidates white or wheat? beer or liquor? these are important, people!
page 12: bartender of the week hey EVERYONE, ryan from bogie’s has seen a mangina!
page 13: the black sheep archives; elections through time Where we’re going, we don’t need a strong electoral process!
page 12
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word of the week Liecense:
Any form of fake identification used illicitly. “Kyle ‘s liecense came in handy when the keg ran dry. When he came back with a few cases of Keystone Light he was the life of the party.”
page 4
theblacksheeponline.com
the four guys to avoid in college Erin Douget wrote this So, you’re in college and you want to experiment, nothing wrong with that. But some experiments should be avoided unless going to the OBGYN to get checked for genital warts is your thing. He may seem nice at first, but beware - something may be lurking under the surface. Whether it’s a shrunken steroid cock or a holierthan-thou hipster, these are a few different types of college guys that you do not want to get hung up on. The Tapout, Tribal Tattoo, Camaro Steroid Hog: These guys are not the type to bring home to your parents, not because they are the stereotypical “badass” that every parent is prone to hate, but because it would simply be too embarrassing for everyone involved. How can these overbros be taken seriously? It’s safe to say that someone who regularly shoots up to increase the size of their bodies, while simultaneously decreasing the size of their anaconda, snugly fits into the “avoid” category. These guys are way too highstrung for even the grocery store; going into a ‘roid rage in the vegetable isle is not flattering or fun. Forget it. Well, unless you are trying to piss your dad off. The Clingy, Depressed Cat Guy: This one sneaks up on you until you finally realize that he could be a serial killer. At first he comes off as a gentleman when he asks you politely to have dinner with him. He might have even had a chance until he leaves you three voicemails in seven minutes while you are in the bathroom. He immediately attaches to his host, sucking the blood out like a pesky mosquito. He then tells you he loves you more than his Super Nintendo. You see, he just knows that if he is always there to comfort you, then
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the two of you will work out, right? He can just love you enough to make it work, right? Wrong. The downward spiral begins, he writes you bad break up poetry despite never being a couple. The last straw will be when you receive a video of him serenading you with Enrique Iglesias karaoke and his pet cat, Mittens. Somehow though, you will feel like you’ve been the dick in this situation for turning such a sensitive guy away. Don’t be so naïve, especially when he sends back his collection of your fingernails. The Hipster Liberal Douche: If you encounter a hipster in their natural environment, put on your 80s aviator shades and walk away while blasting country music. This is the only known defense. If you fail, they will try to seduce you with recitations of Howl and On the Road. Do not listen. They will play music for you that you’ve never heard of. Do not listen. They will try to tell you that nothing holds them down, life is just a journey, and that variety is the spice of life so can we please, please, please have an open relationship? Repeat: Do not listen. The only things that these guys are good for is to borrow their faded, holey jeans that will probably never fit you because they barely fit his own awkward, skinny, tall, weird hips. Rule of thumb: If the guy buys women’s’ pants, he’s probably a dick. The Frat Daddy: These guys live for the benefit of their member. For them, college is a buffet and you are only the lettuce on the salad bar of sexual fantasy. You will meet him standing next to the trashcan full of Jungle-Tussin. He might even offer you an extra-secret sip of his own concoction, a rare 2012 blend of Sprite, Boone’s Farm, and Tylenol P.M. - don’t drink any alcoholic creation he makes, even if he takes the first sip.
So there we have it. But you don’t have to play the game their way. Just remember that the best way to get rid of a prick is to just show him a little crazy hormone action. Get all overly-attached-girlfriend on him and he might just run for the hills. The joke is on him when you never have to experience his idea of back-seat ecstasy again. The joke is on you when he shows up in the backseat of your car after class one day with a knife and two tickets to Togo.
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Fred’s In Tigerland Fred’s In Tigerland 1184 Bob Blvd. •Blvd. Baton RougeRouge • fredsbar.com 1184Pettit Bob Pettit • Baton • fredsbar.com
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The Top 10
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Very Adult Entertainment:
Piccadilly Announces Bar for Elderly Brad Schoen wrote this
Questions for Our Presidential Candidates Political ads plague our televisions and argument wars are waged on Facebook. It’s almost voting season, which means it’s time we learn about our potential leaders. The debates don’t ask the right questions, we all know the economy sucks and we all know that we depend on oil way too much, what we don’t know is who our would-be presidents are. Here’s a list of the top ten questions that we should be asking to truly understand who we’re voting for. 10.) Would you rather...: The questions to these answers always expose true character. Asking if they would rather “fight Mike Tyson once or talk like him for the rest of your life” gives us a good feel for who these people are and how they’ll handle the “important” problems. 9.) Are diamonds really a girl’s best friend?: We want to know if this guy knows how to treat a girl right. Are our candidates the type to offer a quick fix with an expensive gift, or are they in it for the long haul, talking slowly and sweetly to us without the need for Band-Aid fixes. Politics is much like a dating game where both options are equally batshit crazy, our part is to choose the one that’s going to putout in the least amount of time. 8.) Are you a cat or dog person?: A simple answer but one that speaks more about character than most questions we hear about during the debates. Just remember: one cannot have an equal love for both, pets are like children, we always love one more than the other. 7.) Boxers or briefs?: Do they like to hangout or do they like to keep things close, tight, and orderly? The age-old question and I’ve yet to hear this question asked of our presidential candidates. Maybe they like to free-ball it, this is information we need to know.
On the heels of filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, local cafeteria Piccadilly has announced a stimulus plan to convert into an afterhours night club for the elderly, shocking thousands of locals who thought the chain had shut down years ago. Piccadilly spokesman Eli Chambers, who made the announcement Thursday, said that opening the bar was their last ditch effort to keep the retirement home-themed chain open. “We’ve prided ourselves in delivering tasteless, grey food to the community for over 60 years now,” said Chambers. “After filing for bankruptcy, we thought we could just continue to spoon feed the elderly our classic heat lamp specials and bounce back. After a net profit of 34 dollars for the month of August, it is clear we were mistaken.” Added Chambers, “If it is a cocaine-fueled discotheque they want, then it’s a cocaine-fueled discotheque they’ll get.” While the plan is very progressive, Chambers noted that it would cater to their overwhelmingly senile demographic. Rumors of a jazz club-sock hop-meth rave fusion are spreading like wild fire amongst Piccadilly’s regulars. Chambers took the opportunity to clear up some questions surrounding the announcement. “The new installment will be called Fiber Optics and open October 5th. We welcome all customers above the age of 65 to check out the newest addition of their favorite restaurant. Come for the tapioca, stay for the martinis!” said Chambers. Thinking about dressing up in your finest slacks and attending Fiber Optics’ grand opening? Chambers said the dress code is Sunday best with a hint of bitter racism. And make sure you bring your AARP card, or you’re not getting in. If you do manage to get in, the club stays open until the last patron leaves.
The club’s interior includes a cafeteria-style bar where customers pick an assortment of drinks from underneath strobe light heating lamps. 40 spacious handicap stalls have been added to the restrooms as well. “We kept the customer in mind down the minutest details,” noted Chambers. “Even the chairs have tennis balls on their legs.” A dazzling array of signature drinks and specials are sure to keep customers coming back for their short future. Looking to get hammered? Bartender Jesse Anderson recommends an Alzheimer’s shot to get the night going. Weeknight specials include 2-for-1 Metamucil bombs and free cover for Spanish-American War vets. When asked about the drink menu, regular Rose Parkons said “You look just like my grandson!”
6.) If you could be any Power Ranger, which one would you be?: If they choose any ranger outside of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers of the 90s, they shouldn’t be running for president. If they even think about choosing the Red Ranger they should be put in a room with Rita Repulsa for being arrogant. Choose a better color, jerk. 5.) Coke or Pepsi?: Is our candidate overly sweet or classically calm? The colas have just as much controversy as any political problem and, again, we need to know where our guy stands. If he’s rooting for the wrong soda they might just lose a vote. 4.) White or Wheat?: Any good sandwich requires a good taste in bread. Any good politician should know how to make a good sandwich. (There’s a metaphor there, look for it.) 3.) What is your favorite Nickelback song?: If they answer anything other than “none” they obviously have poor music taste and are therefore unfit for office. There is no such thing as a good Nickelback song.
For many elderly, the new addition is a welcomed outlet for suppressed sexuality from the 50s. “I’m glad there is finally somewhere to have anonymous sex if you’ve had your license taken away by the state,” remarked 89-year-old Ethel Simms. “I haven’t been to an event like this since we used to go to those balls out at Jay Gatsby’s estate!” Not everyone is sold on the new direction, however. Local Jeopardy enthusiast George Carls thinks Piccadilly’s is going in the wrong direction. “They need to stay focused on their food. That’s what got our business in the first place. Ain’t no point in turning into a dope house like one of those color’d jazz joints. I want red beans and rice, not desegregated boozing.” While waiting for approval from the Health Department, Chambers did regard the potential mortality rate of an establishment filled with senior citizens, old fashioneds, and ketamine. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, we plan to deliver the finest in geriatric entertainment and food poisoning to the public. ”
2.) Are you capable of communication in 140 characters or less?: The president should know that our generation is lazy and that we get the majority of our news and facts from Twitter. We’re a lazy generation and we need a leader who can explain to us, in as few words as possible (@2012Election #Vote4Me) so we can actually know what’s going on. 1.) Beer or liquor?: We’re college students, we need to know that our president is down to party with us.
katrina nicholson wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What would you do for ‘Bama tickets? “Just about anything.” - Samantha S.., Senior
“Streak from Middleton to Atkins.” - Elliot C., Senior
“Pay for it.” - Jordan L., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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making yolo your life motto
page 9
Erin Douget wrote this
Ladies, have you wondered what it would be like to get on stage for a bunch of greasy, creepy, drooling men who will throw money at your grinding hips? Of course you have. How about trying amateur night at the strip club? That’s right ladies, we’ve all been there. We are closet freaks. You see that girl over there in the corner of the library studying her ass off trying to make a decent score on the LSAT to get into Yale? She knows what it’s like. All she really wants to do is reenact Demi Moore’s performance in Striptease. This is why strip clubs will award money to women that are brave enough to exhibit their bodies for strangers, but only want to be a stripper for a night. It’s all a part of living your dreams. “Look at my boobs, cuz, YOLO!” More than a few of us have found ourselves at the back end of a long night in the tattoo/piercing parlor before. See that blob on my right hip that no one - not even I - can identify? Now after having kids and going up and down with my weight as if I had a bet with Kirstie Alley, this tattoo that I got when I was 18 to show my undying love for my boyfriend Bobby (or was it Billy, or Will, or… oh, who gives a shit) has totally become warped. But that’s okay, it goes with the labia piercing that I did when I was nineteen because I wanted to take control of my sexuality. Another milestone in the life of any good YOLO girl is those couple of nights with your college roommate that just kept
you wanting more. Let’s face it: experimentation is key to finding out your own sexual identity. Without it, you may never know exactly if you would like to sail to the island of Lesbos or if you’ll stay strictly dickly. Either way, it’s a good idea to find out who you really are and what turns you on before getting out into the real game. Katy Perry kissed a girl, and she liked it. You can too, and if you want more you’re just another YOLOette away from getting it. Chances are that if you’ve made it this far and you haven’t experienced backpacking through Europe, Asia, South America, or any other combination of the above, you haven’t been really YOLOing. So you’ve never slept under the stars before? You’ve never had homeless people ask you for money in a different language? You’ve never stepped through the Red Light District and realized that these girls are so much more professional than you are at turning men on? Your worldview will never be the same again. People say that you aren’t really living until you have gone to the extreme, but most girls will never break out of their shells enough to grab life by the throat. That is where YOLO comes in. It’s the perfect excuse to throw anything under the bus in an effort to suck the marrow out of life. So, to celebrate getting into grad school you want to wrestle with your best friend in Jell-O? How about riding the mechanical bull on Bourbon Street? What about a wet t-shirt contest? Hell
yea, you can! Because you will probably never get another chance to go crazy ever again! At least until next weekend’s Bacchanalia.
The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson
Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan
Lyndon B. Johnson
The Impetuous Asshole
The Savvy Sex Machine
Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner.
Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg.
Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”
calvin coolidge
LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”
gerald ford
William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apnea-induced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.
John Adams
The Couch Potato
The Dumb Jock
The Degenerate
Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room.
Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe.
Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States.
With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations.
John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating:
Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.
At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!
“I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”
the interview
zedd
If you haven’t heard the name Zedd, you have definitely heard his work. Working an ambit of major artists – from Baby Biebs to Skrillex – Zedd has produced several chart-topping beats. Stepping into the spotlight with a full-length album, Clarity, Zedd is an artist worth picking up on (and following on Twitter @Zedd). By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’ve produced and toured with some pretty major artists - do you prefer being behind the scenes producing beats, or working on your own? Zedd: It really depends. I obviously love doing my own music because I don’t have to please anyone with my music. With all my love and respect to my whole team - at the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that I truly love something I did. If I do work for other people, especially major artists, there are so many people you have to make happy - compromises have to be made which I don’t like. At the same time I can try new things out if I work for other people that I would probably not have done for myself. TBS: You released Clarity to iTunes on October 2nd (October 9th everywhere). After a long list of singles and remixes, what made you transition to a full-length album? Zedd: You know, I really like releasing singles because you can put something out right after you finish it, and it’s still fresh and hot. Making a full-length album is very difficult, especially for us DJs who tour 24/7. Making an album is a huge commitment, but it also gives you the chance of expressing yourself way more detailed than you could ever do it with singles. If you put out a single all the attention is on one track. With an album you can very well show a wider range of yourself, make songs that would probably not be a good single, but a great album track, and fulfill a certain roll in an album - just like the tension is not constantly high in a movie, there’s ups and downs. I’m not talking about fillers; in fact I believe my album doesn’t have any fillers, but tracks can definitely tell a story in a context of an album that singles can’t. TBS: Any track you are particularly excited for on Clarity, or are they all equally awesome? Zedd: It’s very close to impossible to pick my favorite song. “Hourglass” is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written in my whole life and... yeah ... it’s really just the whole album that I’m mostly excited about, more than particular tracks. TBS: How do you describe Clarity in comparison to your past work? Zedd: Well, I think to a certain degree it’s probably a little bit more adult and experienced. Where the focus sometimes has been on making a big club-hit before, the focus on this album is to make music that is so timeless you can listen to it in 30 years and still be proud of the musicality in it. TBS: How do you build songs? Like, how did you come up with mixing Skrillex and The Doors for “Breakin’ a Sweat?” Zedd: Usually I’ll just play around on a keyboard or piano till I come up with the melodic / harmonic part; mostly the chorus or the hook. Then I make the parts around it. With my “Breakn’ A Sweat” remix Skrillex asked me to do a remix so that was a no-brainer for me. TBS: When you play live shows, do you feed off the crowd or do you come in with a strict setlist? Zedd: It’s a good mix of both. I prepare for shows depending on where I play and what type of crowd is expected. But a lot of the times the crowd will be completely different from what you expect, and in that case I switch up things. I have certain routines but there’s never a strict setlist. TBS: Your parents are musicians, and you started studying classic piano at a young age - how has that influenced you? And how much do your parents love your music? Zedd: It influenced me very much because I’ve learned about music theory, and learned to play several instruments – that’s stuff I can use to make music that’s a little different from a lot of other producers. This doesn’t mean they’re better or worse; it’s just different and I like being different. My parents actually like the music! They’ve never listened to electronic music before but they like the “musical” part of my music more than the sound-design aspect. TBS: Of those major artists you’ve worked with, are there any weird similarities you find between them? Like, do Skrillex and Baby Biebs have anything in common that the layman wouldn’t know? Zedd: [Laughs] Well, the biggest similarities are that they all share the same passion: music! Skrillex and Bieber, I’d say, have fairly different personalities but they’re both very passionate about what they do in their own ways. TBS: Your Twitter is pretty hilarious - is that all you? Zedd: (Laughs) Thank you! It is all me - and probably sometimes a little bit too much of “me” but I enjoy not thinking too much about what I say there. TBS: Also on Twitter, your about me is “Shave it up,” what’s that about? Zedd: Illuminati man... It’s all Illuminati! TBS: What’s one thing you can’t tour without? Zedd: I can’t tour without shows! I really can’t!
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
The details in theaters november 2
Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.
flight in theaters november 2
Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?
100 Greatest Songs of the 90s Saturday, November 3 from 4pm - 9pm on VH1
If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!
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bartender of the week Ryan H. bogie’s Nickname: “Always be dogging” Hodgin.
What dead person would you most want to bring back to life? Patrick Swayze.
Favorite drink: Red Bull with strawberry vodka . If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Teleportation.
Favorite shot: Chilled Goldschlager. Worst drink ever: Bearfight Irish car bomb with a shot of Jameson, then a Jagerbomb What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face? I don’t advocate violence.
Boxers, briefs or freeballing? Boxers. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with? Kate Upton.
What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job? “Even this big ‘ol dip.”
If you could serve any 3 people at your bar, who would you choose? Drew Brees, Jon Taffer, Alex Eddie.
What Disney character do you most want to hook up with? Mufasa.
What would you recommend they drink? Inception shot (a shot within a shot within a shot).
What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? A mangina.
If you could be any fictional character, who would you be? John Jameson.
If you could create a holiday, what would it be? U.S.A. Tuesday.
Who’s your favorite Saved by the Bell character? Screech.
the drinking game
Recipe for Disaster
social media shots
cavity bark
Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out at a party staring at your phone and tweeting, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy.
As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits.
What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/in a bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.
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page 13
The Black Sheep Archives: Elections Through Time sevin ketze wrote this There's a lot of talk nowadays about how elections are getting dirty, and how technology is changing the way the world elects its leaders. After digging through The Black Sheep archives, we've found this election is pretty much business as usual, and that the issues of the past are relevant even today. Part of a letter John Quincy Adams wrote to a friend, 1824 “The election is fast approaching, and I am at my wits end. I traveled to Virginia a quarter-score of a fortnight ago to try and secure the white male landowner vote. The trip was hard, but good luck was with me, and only a paltry one-third of my escort died of tuberculosis along the way. When I finally arrived and was about to begin a debate with Senator Jackson, he flicked my testicle with his thumb, which caused me to double over and regurgitate my pease porridge onto the floor. I looked up and he was imitating my sickness for a gaggle of laughing youths. F*ck that guy.” An interview of candidate Thomas Granart, running for mayor of Salem, Massachusetts in 1693 Thee, Black Sheep: You're saying that your opponent is overstepping his bounds? Granart: Correct. This is a perfect example of “big government” coming along and getting involved where they don't belong. TBS: How so? Granart: Well, take last week. My wife rode to the mercantile to pick up the new almanac, and she ended up getting picked up by g-men, they then crushed with stones for being a witch. TBS: Are you a pro-witcher? Granart: Whoa, hey, I didn't say that. Don't write that down. I'm just sayin’, that kind of thing is not the government's business. It should be up to privately-run juries. TBS: You think a for-profit jury would be better?
Granart: Definitely. Chicks do weird stuff all the time, that don't mean it's witchcraft. That's just chicks being chicks. And when profits are on the table, people are gonna make better decisions. TBS: You know, Boston's for-profit church juries have convicted 97% of accused witches in the past year. Granart: Trials are expensive. Stones are cheap. Two peasants complaining about how their votes don't really matter, 1162 Simon: I just feel like, when it really comes down to it, we don't have any choice in who runs the country. Roland: What, you mean the king? Simon: Yeah. I talked to everybody in the village and couldn't find a single person who voted for him. Roland: You don't vote for the king, he's just the king. Simon: See?! This is exactly what I'm talking about. And even if someone poisons this guy, his son's hardly better. Out with one inbred asshole, in with the other. So where's the choice? Roland: We could always move north to Scotland. Simon: Psh, Scotland. They're no better, the crown wastes all their money on their universal leeching and amputation program. Roland: What? We're peasants, Si, we'd benefit a lot from that. Simon: Don't care. The English Church says amputation is an abomination. Roland: Well, maybe you should think about what you want, not what the church wants. Simon: A WITCH!! Roland: WIIIIIITCCCHHHH! Translated part of a speech by Brutus, a Roman senator, given in 44 B.C.E. “Friends, Romans, countrymen… sorry, that was redundant. When a
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA
man becomes a tyrant, you must consider impeachment for the good of the Republic. That was what we were forced to do with Caesar. Casca impeached him in the face with a cane, and I impeached him like eight times in the ribs. It was pretty metal. But remember, we advance as a society through compromise, not endless arguments. For example, I wanted a giant rock to fall down and crush him, and Cassius thought a pit of starving rats would be totally radical. In the end, nobody got what they wanted, but everybody walked away happy. Well, except J.C. And what goes better with compromise than forgiveness? You’d forgive a starving man for stealing bread, just like you’d forgive a mob of politicians for stabbing our leader to death, right? It’s just common courtesy.” So you see? Whether it be a monarch, democracy, or anarchy – people are never happy. Complain all you want about your elected leaders, but in the end we’re still just a bunch of ratty old peasants. What’s our point exactly? Well… RoCk ThE VoTe!!~!
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the classtime
madlib: presidential speech
cept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little mon• First things first, ___2___ will become ster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes legalized. Not just medicinally but, you sense. know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for hangovers, my God. maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ • Universal healthcare? Why not! If football and ___19___, because this is you broke your ___5___ while partak- America! Additionally, for the holidays ing in ___6___ fun with your favorite all who have served in the past two debooty call, fear no more! There’s no cades will receive complimentary botlonger reason to worry about ___7___ tles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, ___22___ strippers, because, again, this because condoms and birth control will is America!!! be free for all! Especially for ___9____ My fellow Americans, I hope that you and ___10___, for obvious reasons. are satisfied with your choice of presi• Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, wom- dent. The next four years are going to en will have equal rights! Novel con- be bomb as hell, I swear. Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why:
Meet The Staff campus manager Scott Cornelius Editorial manager Kristina Stafford Advertising Managers Bryce Morein, Lyle Currier Sergio Orellana-Camargo Writers Justin Calais, Samantha Bares David Schwab, Erin Douget Brad Schoen photographer Sara Sicona distribution manager You? You!
1) Reality Show 2) drug 3) rapper 4) TV show 5) body part 6) sex position 7) STD 8) slang for “girl” 9) ugly celebrity 10) slutty celebrity 11) cocktail 12) Local shitty bar 13) ex-boyfriend/girlfriend 14) catchy pop song 15) drunk food 16) piece of furniture 17) thanksgiving side dish 18) NFL team 19) shitty beer 20) quality tequila 21) stimulant 22) hair color
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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