The Black Sheep
FR gr EE... an Lik dm e a a onll o th ut-r an ac ks ist gi in vin g g!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 3 11/15/12 - 11/29/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheeplsu
An Open Letter to the “Herbal Gerbil” Justin Calais wrote this Dear Mr. Herbal Gerbil (formerly known as the “Honey Badger”), What the hell are you doing? What made you think that doing a drug deal with Jordan Jefferson was a good idea? You should have known not to hang out with Jordan Jefferson. Smoking Mary Jane is one thing, but you did it with JJ? Don’t you remember how he betrayed LSU last year? Stripped us of a championship, stole our dreams, and pissed on them? Now he goes and gets you arrested, crushing the only thread of hope we had for a Honey Badger comeback. He’s obviously got it out for LSU. All you had to do was stay clean for a few more years until you got to the NFL, then you could have had weed for life. You could have built a house of weed, and upholstered your fancy furniture in hemp weave. You could have hired a smarmy butler whose sole purpose was to stash your hippie lettuce from the feds. You could have protected people who were just trying to light a blunt from police, a vigilante… like Batman. You could have been “Weedman” and had a comic book written all about you. The pages could be printed on hemp paper. Then, after people read it, they could roll up a couple pages and get high. You could have been the poster boy for weed on top of the other millions of endorsement they probably would have offered you. Just a few more years were all you had to wait, man. Colorado and Washington are already smoking freely! We were rooting for you Mr. Badger aka Tyrannosaurus rex aka Mr. Almost-won-the-Heisman-now-known-by-the-police-as-theHerbal-Gerbil. You let us down. If you feel this letter is putting too much pressure on you, well, that’s bullshit. This is the kind of pressure you should have been giving in to. Yeah smoking Maui Wowie is cool; it’s the bee’s knees having the munchies. But you know what is even cooler: being a famous millionaire living out your life dream. And what is even cooler than that: being a famous millionaire living out your dream who smokes all the medical-grade ganja he wants because he can afford it. You gave in to peer pressure, listening to some losers because you wanted to fit in. You didn’t even have to say “no” like the D.A.R.E. program tells us to. You could have said “not now” or “maybe later.” Now you get to
Chili Pepper = Red Flag?
Does your teacher’s voice make you want to tickle your tiger? You’re not alone!
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work a regular human job and won’t be able to afford half the weed you could have afforded with your first NFL paycheck. No nugs for you, Gerbil, you are restricted to the dirt weed from now on.
football players, way to show them how to become a washedup smoked-out has-been. There was a lot more on your shoulders than football, Gerbil. You should have thought about that before you allowed a plant to dictate your life.
Is this letter beating a dead horse? No it’s beating a high horse, which is even worse. It probably doesn’t even know it’s getting beaten even though it’s still alive, or it does and just doesn’t care. This letter to you was to show that we used to care. Now you’re a has-been before you even graduate. Way to go loser. Way to be a great role model for aspiring African-American
Sincerely, A Pissed off Tiger
what’s inside The Buzz on Beards
There’s nothing like a full-grown beard to kick the uterus into gear.
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PS: If you’re going to throw your life away ‘cause of a drug, think bigger next time.
Trendsetters: Home Craft Hairdos
Make Lady Gaga in awe of your fashion sense with these yarninspired fashion tips!
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6: Top 10 Hangover Meals in Baton Rouge Would you like a side of sexual assault and shame with that?
page 7: from the streets
Describe your most awkward thanksgiving moment.
Table of
pages 10-11: Turkey Time!
What did your childhood hand-turkey say about you?
page 12: bartender of the week
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Andrew from fred’s wants you to come check out the infamous cracky sack!
page 13: Thanksgiving in 3000: Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday
Thanksgiving isn’t only about turkey; it’s about racism and family drama. Thanks, pilgrims!
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page three
Pic
of the
Week!
Black Friday
“The One Day a Year When Your Mom Isn’t Your Mom Anymore”
Sexy Anagrams
“How come no one believes this is my uniform and I’m back from duty...” (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Rearward Job Sent
Fecal Seems Jest
Do you know who these hotties are?
last week’s answers
Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Kristen Bell & Jared Leto
word of the week Lamerick:
A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant. “There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”
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Chili Pepper = Red Flag? David Schwab wrote this I’ve been in college for a while now. I’m a fifth year senior, or as I refer to it, a “redshirt senior,” which actually kind of works because I never went to class freshman year. In my time at LSU I’ve encountered at least a dozen hot professors. I had a hot criminology professor who gave me many deviant thoughts. There was also that smokin’ religion professor who talked about her love for yoga, which I took to mean she had a heightened affection for the Kama Sutra. And I think my fellow male classmates would agree that the kiln wasn’t the only thing making soft objects rock hard in my pottery class. Finally, let’s just say I would have definitely had to excuse my dear Aunt Sally before performing the order of operations I had in mind on my calculus professor. But in all my time at LSU I have found that foreign language teachers are the hottest of them all. Maybe it’s just my horn dog self, but I can’t take notes when all I’m thinking about is what I’d like to do to her on top of the ELMO projector. However, sexy professors do motivate me to actually attend class. So, is having a hot teacher more of a liability than it’s worth? Should the chili pepper next to a name on Rate My Professor be changed to a red flag? Having a hot professor has both its pro’s and con’s. Sexy teachers could make a dull subject more tolerable. Hearing a math lecture is much more pleasing when staring at some long, smooth legs. Another pro would be the whole “Sex in their office after discussing what you missed on the last test” scenario. Not that this would ever really happen, but the fantasy is definitely a major deposit into the spank bank for that semester. One con would be actually having that meeting, seeing that you missed a whole hell of a lot on that test, and then having no sex at
all afterwards, or having to deal with a surprise boner after fantasizing about that in class. Oops. My favorite sexy professor was Graziella Lopez. Ah, Señora Lopez. She was a grad student teaching Spanish 1001. I remember she was from Barranquilla, Columbia. I remember because the way she said it made my wiener feel weird. So many class periods I drove myself local imagining her choca. Not only could I not focus in class, but I also struggled to do the homework. I’d be going through the assignment and run across a word, only to remember how goddamn sexily she said it. Next thing you know…well, the, ahem, touch pad on my laptop wasn’t responding too well. The twinkle in her eyes made me feel like she had a dirty secret, which turned out to be that she doesn’t give even partial credit if you misspell something. She told us on the first day of class that starting the second week she would only speak in Spanish, so that we would pick up on things out of necessity like when we were babies learning English. I had no problem with this. In fact if we were supposed to learn like babies, I wanted to suggest that she let us call her mommy and suck on her nipples. At this point, it’s clear to see why it’s so difficult to drop a class with a PILF (Professor I’d Like to, you know… Fuck). If we’re honest with ourselves, most of us would admit that the “chili pepper as a red flag” metaphor wouldn’t stick. So what can we do? I tried Adderall. Didn’t help. It just made me focus harder on her breasts. What we can do is this: take distraction and turn it into motivation. We can use the attraction to a professor as motivation to do well in their class and try to impress them. If I would have actually done
some of the homework and been a little less Rosetta Stoned during class, maybe I could have stricken up a convo en Español con Graziella one time. It’s a long shot, but so is the notion that speeding up the treadmill will counteract the booze and Little Caesar’s from last night. So if you get the urge to fill-in your professor’s blanks, you’re not alone. There is almost certainly some other guy in the corner trying to keep his uncontrollably bulging cervix crusader hidden under the desk.
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Hangover Meals in Baton Rouge If you find yourself on the ugly side of an all-night bender, don’t suffer in silence. Soothe your aching belly with the sweet taste of grease, sugar, and fat… or a combination of all three. From the drive-thru to the nearest AA meeting, here is The Black Sheep’s guide to getting a good meal after a night of heavy drinking. 10.) Alcoholics Anonymous: Why don’t you take a seat right over there? Don’t act surprised. This is where you really belong anyway. Besides, they usually have a complimentary table of cookies and coffee. If embarrassment or pride is keeping you from going, relax. It’s anonymous…until you see half of your Biology 1001 class in the room. 9.) Whole Foods Market: To compensate for the 2,000 calories in Malibu you consumed last night, a trip to Whole Foods can really mend your self-esteem. You’ll feel smart, trendy, and eco-friendly while you pretend to understand all the diet-specific food in front of you. Then, you can make a b-line straight for the sandwich station when nobody is looking. A double chickenbacon-avocado stack with all 13 sauces? Yes, please! But it’s fine because you’re at Whole Foods, right? Right?
The Buzz on Beards Samantha Bares wrote this Aphrodisiacs are a controversial subject. Who really knows if crushed rhino horn makes you horny or oysters make you want to ride the Pogo Express? The proponents and opponents of a chosen aphrodisiac are set in their opinions on its effects or lack thereof. Modern medical science has more important things to do than investigate these claims of libido enhancers, like lobotomizing regular watchers of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and curing bath salt madness. While that all gets sorted out, we ladies have an aphrodisiac of a different nature we can unanimously coo over: facial hair. More specifically: we love bearded men. The feeling, the look, the taste… well, maybe not so much the taste, but yeah. Beards are truly regal. Besides bringing back fond memories of the fluffy white prototype of our childhoods which perfectly complemented a certain red suit or the kosher scruff of your neighborhood rabbi (work with me, multi-cultural citizens of the beard-loving world), beards signify strength and power in a very Paul Bunyan, plaid-laden and axe-totin’, sort of way. A beard says, “Why, yes. I am here to rescue the orphans from the tumult of flames engulfing the building.” Young men know it and their first ratty attempts at acceptable facial hair seem to come earlier and earlier with every generation. They’re what we in the business of beard admiration call Baby Beardos. They’re like the amusing sideshow to the main attraction. And no one can blame them for wanting to join the ranks of swoon-generating strongmen as soon as possible, can they? The implications of bearded life are not always as noble as that, however. For those of you that have seen Magic Mike—and we know you did, you minx— does the fact that the charac-
ter named Big Dick Richie is the only one with noteworthy scruff strike you as odd? Nope; it sure doesn’t. Of course that’s his name. Natural selection is a force more powerful than a storm named after a nice-turned-naughty Grease character. A beard is a strong indicator of burly, survivor-winner-or-strongest-of-the-pack-sperm. If baby-making in a literal sense appeals to you — and it sure does to your uterus — then this is your guy. You know what your reproductive system is thinking whenever you spot a bearded man? That he will knock you up like you’re the China shop and he’s the bull. This may not sound romantic, but your uterus is completely enamored. Give in to the tingling sensation.
8.) Taco Bell: You tried to get it last night, but the line wrapped around the interior three times. Dammit, you’re getting a tostada if it’s the last thing you do! 7.) Your kitchen: See that stove, and that chicken in the fridge? Through dark and ancient arts, you can combine them to create food in your own house (!) whenever you want. While slaving over a stove doesn’t sound like the most appealing task, it’s better than showing your face in public after a night of shame. 6.) Lucy’s Surfer Bar: Sometimes the only thing that will cure a hangover is to start drinking again. A little hair of the dog can kick start your morning right back into the vicious cycle of alcoholism. She can be a cruel mistress, but sometimes a Bloody Mary is exactly what you need. 5.) The 459: There’s nothing like feeling your stomach sink when you see that 100-dollar ATM withdrawal at Mike’s from the night before. If you can somehow handle the people there, the 459 is a good, cheap option. While nobody likes to hear about Chad’s smokin’ slam piece he met at Bogie’s in the Pizza Hut line. Try and keep your cool, or you may end up on Anderson Cooper. 4.) Jimmy John’s: Let’s be honest. You’re way too hung-over and way too lazy to get yourself in a car. Plus, on the off chance you get pulled over, you’d still blow a .19, and cheese sandwiches in jail are pretty gross, or so we’ve heard. 3.) Chelsea’s Café: It seems counter intuitive to go back to a bar, but the hummus and grilled cheese are some of the best in town. If you’re feeling extra hung-over, another Abita draft wouldn’t kill ya, either.
While clean-shaven men have a leg-up in the professional world, bearded men are wellplaced outside of this realm. They, as a group, are unconcerned with conventional success and the wild, barely groomed foliage that juts off of their chins reflects this. They are more concerned with the raw energy and the natural feelings of the wild. Take that to the bed, ladies. Granted, the guy can still sport a power suit if the occasion fits, but those occasions are few and far between. They are far too busy experiencing deep emotions and mulling over philosophical theories to give in to the pull of the rat race. All of these qualities or none of them can be possessed by the bearded man we have our eye on, but the mere possibility is enough to keep us interested. When you look past that burly exterior, though, sometimes that bearded god is just a dud. Behold the glorious powers of the beard.
2.) Louie’s Café: While being able to get breakfast at any time is clutch, Louie’s walks the fine line between late night drunk food and hangover food, but you’re walking the thin line between being hung over and still drunk, so who’s to judge? 1.) Roul’s: Because there is nothing like being sexually harassed while you develop type 2 diabetes. Juicy, juicy.
Brad Schoen wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Describe your most awkward Thanksgiving moment. “One Thanksgiving in high school, I must have gotten the flu and collapsed at the dinner table.” - Greg D., Grad Student
“I was on a Nickelodeon’s You Pick Live and when asked a question I responded, ‘Yes, Ma’am.’ when the host was a man.” - Katelyn S., Freshman
“I challenged my drunk cousin to tackle me and knocked him out.“ - Richard C., Junior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Trendsetters: Home Craft Hairdos
Justin Calais wrote this
Yarn is the new weave, y’all! If you haven’t heard the latest trend in ratchet couture, let me help you catch up with some valuable fashion tips on how you can achieve that “Hobby Lobby Fashionista” look. Who needs to go to the hair salon when you can get grandma to knit you a hot up-do with the yarn left over from last year’s Christmas sweaters? Don’t want to feel left out when all of your friends are rocking knitted bangs and crocheted buns while you buy weave made of horse hair? Instead of going to those Asian beauty supply stores to pick up a couple packs of overpriced Remy, you should get your ass to Wal-Mart and hit up the yarn section. There you can pick up pounds and pounds of yarn to put in your hair. Yarn comes in all colors; you can change your hair color every week without using harsh chemicals and dyes. Just take the weave, I mean yarn, out of your hair and insert yarn of another color. Viola! You now have now gone from blonde to pink in a matter of moments – no hair damage required! Want purple (or black) and gold hair for the game? A woven Brees! The best thing about this trend is that you aren’t confined to one look. There are many types of styles that can be achieved with yarn. You can put them as extensions for box braids. You can use natural colors and go for the “Janet Jackson in Poetic Justice” look. If you’re a white blonde-haired girl, don’t worry, you can look to Bo Derek for inspiration. Raggedy Ann and Andy never looked so damn sexy. Who wants natural hair these days, anyway? Some of the top celebrities have neon-colored hair. Beat them to the punch with this latest fashion trend. Having yarn in your hair is so new and innovative that even the rich and famous haven’t caught on yet. You go out and wear your neon yarn braids, and leave Nicki, Katy, and Gaga in awe of how fashion forward you are. If braids aren’t for you there are other styles you can do to your yarn hair. Instead of keeping the yarn
strands straight, unravel them and you can have some kind of crazy, swirly afro curls thing. If you don’t like that option you can attempt to straighten it, even though the yarn might burst into flames. It won’t matter. It’s not your hair and if it happens to burn the scalp, just go buy some more yarn and have granny knit you something sexy. Of course you can’t just wear any old outfit with your new yarn do. Get some aluminum foil and duct tape to complete the ensemble with a futuristic silver dress. Just make sure not to move too much; that shit rips easily. You know how Christmas comes around and you get that crap to wrap around the tree - instead of putting it away, how about you wrap it around for a sexy outfit to excite the significant other in your life? How about using it as a boa for glam shots? Better yet, wrap it around your head to compliment your yarn hair do. There’s no better accessory. You want to be head of the fashion curve? Don’t look into the fashion magazine, go down to Hobby Lobby on College and get yourself right this fashion season. Lady Gaga would be so proud.
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it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig — Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
’ ’ The Protege
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The fatty fat fat fat
The poor poor kid
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several x-rays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times) What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
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bartender of the week andrew S. fred’s If you could have any superpower, what would it be: X-ray vision, only when I want it.
Relationship status: Single Major: Journalism What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: Roger Goodell What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job: From Jehan, the redhead who works at Fred’s, “Hey girl, what’s your favorite spice to cook with? Is it Ginger?” What Disney character do you most want to hook up with: I like M.I.L.Fs… The nasty old witch from Snow White. What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job: A Cracky Sack: At the end of the night a bartender gets on the bar naked and someone pours Jack Daniel’s down the back and butt into a glass for someone to drink. If you could create a holiday, what would it be: Andrew Schuster Day
the drinking game
blackout friday
Boxers, briefs or freeballing: Freeballing Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with: Fred’s bartender, Christopher Humphree’s, mother. What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you: That I do the cracky sack here. If you could serve any three people at your bar, who would you choose: Drew Brees, Sean Payton, and Angelia Jolie (when I have my X-ray vision). What would you recommend they drink: Straight Rumple Minze. If you could be any fictional character, who would you be: Peter Griffin, so I can have Lois. What was your most embarrassing moment on the job: I got on the bar naked and fell off into all the bottles.
Recipe for Disaster
meaty fumble
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. -Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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page 13
Thanksgiving in 3000:
Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday phil keller wrote this Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the Pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn’t grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977. In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol.
turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Saints should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.
One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, President-Kingand-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip - effectively putting a whole new spin on the word “stuffing.”
In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New Orleans Saints on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough.
Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has
Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a filthy moke president re-elected.
BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA
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the classtime “Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’” “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiving dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!”
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__—who was convicted of trafficking __15__ to the world’s most powerful country, __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!”
“Enough with the introductions “Now here comes a classic—the tur__4__, let’s take a look at what this key balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avparade has to offer!” enue it—Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has burst into flames! It’s “First up today is the wonderful beyond belief! Beyond imagination! __5__ balloon! Can you believe the I can see celebrity balloon handler company chose to brand themselves __20__ running for her life. She— with a __6__? The company really she’s not going to make it! People took a turn for the worse __7__ years are taking shelter in the brand-new ago, when founder __8__ revealed __21__ Building! This is a day that that he’s actually a __9__.” will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!”
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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