Michigan State - 3/21/2013 - Issue 10 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FR E wh E... en like yo th ud ec on os ’t t o pa y a f yo ft ur er b yo rac u l ke os t e.

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 8, Issue 10 • 3/20/13 - 3/27/13

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Fear and Loathing in Olive Garden Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this We were somewhere near the bar, at the edge of the restaurant, when the food lust began to take hold. I was shoveling my fifth meatball into my mouth, when the room began to spin. I remember saying something like, “I’m stuffed. Are you going to eat that?” Suddenly, there was a crash and a waiter carrying a tray filled with our half-eaten dishes tumbled to the ground due to the sheer weight of our refuse. I decided to take inventory of our present delicacies. Laid before us like a gleaming city of sultry herbs, noodles, and meats were two plates of bruschetta, thirty-five sautéed four-cheese shrimp, two sheets of lasagna, three empty parmesan cheese shakers, and a whole spread of edibles rich in carbohydrates, stewed meats, boiled noodles, steaming soups, and bottomless breadsticks, and salad. Of these last two—we simply could not run out. As God as our witness, we had tried. We also had a bottle of chardonnay, an empty bottle of pinot grigio, and a broken bottle of merlot. Not that we needed all of that for the meal, but once you start an Olive Garden binge the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the breadsticks. There is nothing in the world more helpless, irresponsible, and depraved than a man in the depths of a breadstick binge. At that moment a waiter walked up and asked how we were doing. I leapt up, sat him down next to me, and began to recount the tale of how the man sitting across from me had come to this country from the depths of sacred Mexico to find an education in the great wilderness of Michigan. I looked at this man, this server of men, and asked if he was prejudice before offering him a breadstick. He confusedly took the breadstick and walked off with it. I knew he wouldn’t eat it, the thieving bastard. I missed him already. He smelled like marinara sauce and olive oil, although that scent could have merely been my upper lip. I dove into my chicken parmesan with furious gusto, wanting only to eat and to forget the sounds of laughter, smooth piano music, and my comrade asking how we were going to pay for this. He simply didn’t understand that this was more than a meal—it was a salute to the success of Italian Americans, entrepreneurs and high-end restaurants for the collegiate masses. It was a battle in the evergrowing war against anorexia, public image, and the stingy assholes living within their means. I prepared to down some merlot, but instead reached for the chardonnay to preserve what little class had managed to cling to us through this never-ending orgy of chow. Sipping delicately, I then released a belch that could’ve shaken the walls of Valhalla, had we been Norse. Of course, we weren’t Norse; we were broke.

Picking Up Girls in Class

The server returned, still holding the breadstick. I knew the question he would ask. He was terrified though, for he knew the answer had to be, and would always be yes. His mouth opened slowly, and the phrase, “Did we save room for dessert?” left his lips like a au jus soaked lamb thrown into the lions’ den. Knowing that even looking at the dessert menu would send us both into another food lust from which none could return, I closed my eyes and feverishly ordered myself tiramisu with a piece of chocolate mousse cake for my Mexican friend. The waiter audibly thanked God

what'’s inside MSU Cash Cab

Whoever said OTPHJs were only limited to high-school classrooms never read this guide.

Ben Bailey asks questions to drunken people, amusement and sexual bartering ensues.

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before dashing away from the table like a frightened house cat. It was now that we began the world-ending debate of how to pay for the feast. My Mexican friend insisted that I pay since it was my idea to dine at this last bastion of affordable fine Italian, but I countered, remarking that it was I who paid when we had gone to Chili’s. This dance of course was meaningless, a ritual that would end in the two of us casually walking out the door of this place, then making a mad dash across the parking lot to the Honda, leaving a message written in breadsticks on the table: IOU.

Ode to the Anonymous Dance Floor Grinder You bewitched us with your flailing chubby despite being creepy, short and stubby.

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campus manager Justin Gawel

Advertising ManagerS Andrew Meggert, Daniela Pittiglio Nicole Maks, Danan Thomas, Andrew Rickerman Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rassmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter Thomas Stewart distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen social media manager Alex Everard

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We Fell In Love in a Hopeless Place: A Guide to Picking up Girls in Class thomas stewart wrote this CARS, SPORTS, NOT MENSTRUATING. All right, now that the ladies aren’t reading, we can talk dude-to-dude. Have you ever been acting cool as shit, macking on a chick in class only to have the little vixen be decidedly un-cool and pretend she’s not interested by not looking at you, speaking to you, or acknowledging your unblinking stare in any conceivable way? Us too! So first things first, time to teach all you wimps out there how to navigate the hormonal jungle that is an MSU classroom. Hope you baby birds are hungry because we’re serving up a big ol’ pre-chewed pile of knowledge onto your brain plates, player. You gotta give the ladies what they want, and what they want is a rebel. Two words, chief: pre game. When the lucky lady smells that 11:30 a.m. peach schnapps on your breath, as you slur erotic whispers at her, she’ll know she’s dealing with a Grade-A bad boy. Ain’t nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, and certainly ain’t nothing wrong with some liquid courage. Some peach schnapps in you and you’ll be ready to take on the world. Seriously, if you’re not drunk enough to go against Adele in a lasagna eating contest before you start spittin’ game, you’re nothing but a mega-jabroni and should just hit the bricks back to Pussville. You can’t come on too strong though, be coy, you know “play the game.” For example, try this smoothness next time you’re looking to pull some ISB strange, “I don’t watch a lot of porn or anything, but you’re hot as shit. LEMME GET THOSE DIGITS, GIRL!” Always randomly shout to make sure you have her attention. Top it off with a flirtatious little wink and there will be no doubt she’ll really be all hot and bothered. We know some of you are saying, “But, Papa Bird, I can’t be bold and charming like you, how am I supposed to pull in-class tail?” Well put down the pillow you’re practice-making out with and just chill, ya corncob; we got enough to feed the needy. Here’s some advice for you bookreading, cowardly types out there. Talk super loud about gnarly shit with your boys right next to her so she can’t help but notice your undeniable alpha-male presence. Did you black out and throw up on your neighbor’s cat last weekend? Of course you did, and that’s the exciting stuff ladies want to hear about. Be sure to talk about any recent hookups, don’t spare any details, use plenty of graphic hand motions, and, when you get to the steamy parts, nod your head up and down real slow at her. She’ll be head over heels after hearing how experienced and desired you are, Rico Suave.

Sooner or later some ego maniac prof is bound to try and cock-block you by saying, “Quiet down” or “Sir, you need to put your pants back on” so they can keep yapping away about dolphins or whatever. Dismiss the chump and establish yourself as the dominant figure in the class with some piercing shrieks and several karate chops to the air. Broads love a guy who takes control of the situation and has a violent temper. Looks like you’re ready, you little scamp—seriously, we’re more proud of you than our dad was of us when we finally stopped having to wear Velcro shoes last year. Now, throw on your shiniest white belt, soak yourself in Axe, and lace up those DC shoes—it’s time for you to spread your wings and leave the nest.

world series of booty shaking Andrew Rickerman wrote this Each spring sports fans are blessed to witness the most prestigious athletic events of the year. The Masters, the NCAA Tournament and, of course, the World Series of Booty Shaking, complete with Greek-life’s finest and enough meat to keep even Brady Hoke satisfied—for at least a half-hour. A longstanding event that is the pinnacle of the rump-shaking world, the WSBS is held every year on St. Patrick’s Day, and this year it visited East Lansing for the first time. The event celebrated its 100th anniversary by honoring the inaugural champion: Betty “Booty Boppin’” Milfred; a flyover by the infamous Enola Gay and moment of silence took place in her honor. The atmosphere before the action was electric. Spartan Stadium was filled over capacity. Men, women, and children eagerly cheered as Sisqo’s classic “Thong Song” blared through the speakers, while the ELDP whooped up on the protesting Westboro Baptist Church members outside. You don’t mess with something the ELPD loves, be it twerkin’ booties or handing out MIPs. The scene was set and the ass gladiators were ready to compete. The rules were simple: sixty-four competitors compete for the title of “Best Ass Shaker in the World” through head-to-head matchups. Cheers from the crowd would decide who would advance and who would go home trophy-less, though everyone would lose their dignity. After hours of fierce competition, highlights, lowlights, and droppin’ it even lower-lights, plus enough oil to clog seven obese children’s hearts, there were finally four left. Two finalists were favorites and been expected to make it there:

Danielle “Downright Filthy” Powers and Peggy “Poppin’ All Day” Johnson, the true power-bottoms of the highly esteemed sport. The other two were dark horses and unknown commodities: Michelle “Too Much Meat” Ware and Lily “Lockin’ and Droppin’” Chestnut. Competitors were honored with their nicknames upon reaching the final four—a tradition that only a jailed father could love. The first match was between Danielle, the tournament’s overall number one seed and winner of the ultra-competitive West Regional, against a true Cinderella story, Michelle, the winner of the East Regional—an accomplishment in itself, yet she was still remained untested by the best booties in the field. Once the match began, Danielle’s experience and superior twerknique proved to be too much for the younger, less-seasoned Michelle. It also didn’t help that Michelle fell off the stage halfway through Nelly’s “Tip Drill.” Her booze and coke binge had finally gotten the best of her, and Danielle advanced. The other semifinal was between Peggy, a one seed, and Lily, the twelfth seed out of the Midwest Regional. Once “Freek-a-Leek” by Petey Pablo spun in the DJ booth, this matchup became an instant classic. Neither Peggy nor Lily gave up any ground and it was clear Lily was not afraid of the big stage filled with even bigger booties. After going through triple overtime, Peggy finally succumbed to dehydration and collapsed into a still-twitching heap. Lilly advanced in what was immediately regarded as one of the greatest upsets in booty poppin’ history. With the stage set and all eyes on the finalists, the championship took a turn for the dramatic. And, just as the final song was about to begin, MSU’s very own Derrick Nix took to the stage.

Nix handed the DJ a CD, and as soon as Mike Jones’ “Drop and Give Me 50” rung throughout the stadium, he put on a performance that had never been seen in the world of booty shaking. Breathtaking, imaginative, and insatiably provocative, yes, Nix put on a performance which brought several of the judges to tears and the crowd to their feet. The audience roared with cheers and it became official. Nix became the first man to win the World Series of Booty Shaking, thus immortalizing himself as a pioneer and iconic symbol of hope. When asked if he planned to leave basketball for booty shaking full time, all he could muster through the tears of joy was, “RIP Ta Da competition.”

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Predictions for March Madness

10.) No One Will Pay Attention in Class: In the name of Tom Izzo and everything else that is sacred, professors, just cancel class during those first two days of the NCAA Tournament. No one will be listening to your lecture about some book about fancy boys in the 1860’s that no one read since everyone will be too busy staying home or checking scores and brackets. 9.) The Guy Who’s a Self-Proclaimed Guru Won’t Win: Yeah, he says he has all the answers when it comes to bracketology, but the unexpected always seems to happen and, once again, he won’t win and be left crying alone, with only his adult acne and the realization he’s awful at everything in life and has never had sex he didn’t pay for to keep him company. 8.) Friends Won’t Pay For Their Brackets: He says he’s good for it, but you know he’s a deadbeat who has a credit limit of $40 per month on a card issued by Snapple. When you win, you can bet you’re never getting that $15 buy-in from him.

MSU Cash Cab Alex Everard wrote this Hey there, drunk idiots and crying idiots, and welcome to MSU Cash Cab! You thought you were just hopping in a normal van taxi with tinted windows that you hoped wasn’t part of a human trafficking ring, right? Wrong—time for me to hit you with some trivia and taunt you with prizes only college kids could love. This isn’t like the original, now defunct Cash Cab—if you get a question wrong, you’re ejected from the cab while it’s still moving. Good luck! Ben Bailey: Hello there, ladies, and hello, overly-metro gentleman! Where are we headed tonight? Passengers: Uhh… wait, what’s going on? Ben Bailey: You’re on MSU Cash Cab! Answer questions to continue to your destination and win non-cash prizes like fifty combo exchanges or a book full of confiscated IDs! Drunk Girl Gabby: OH-EM-GEE, YAY! I’m in ISP 202 right now so you can pretty much ask me anything about bugs. I’m totes gonna rock this shit. Drunk Girl Becca: I’ve gone to like, two recitations this month—pretty much a genius. Ben Bailey: All right, then let’s get this thing started. Question #1: What is Sparty’s full legal name? Overly-Metro Guy James: Bro, I totally know this; hang on, give me a second. Ben Bailey: You have exactly thirty-two seconds. James: What is… Spartacus W. Spartan? Ben Bailey: You don’t have to answer in question form—what is this, fucking Jeopardy!? James: Oh sorry, I got excited. Am I right though? Ben Bailey: If you can tell me what the “W” stands for. James: Win? Ben Bailey: Correct, you’ve just won free drinks at Rick’s American Café for two years! Drunk Biddies: Yay! We did it! Ben Bailey: Ok, heading to Albert Street, question number two: Finish this analogy,

“Michigan fans are to decent human beings as (blank) is to gourmet food” Becca: Hmmm, I want to say “rancid cat litter.” It might also be “deep-fried mayonnaise drippings,” though. Gabby: I don’t think it’s deep-fried mayonnaise drippings; that’s giving them too much credit. James: Let’s go with “rancid cat litter.” Ben Bailey: Correct! Michigan fans are to decent human beings as rancid cat litter is to gourmet food! You just earned yourself a year’s supply of condoms! So for you girls that’s like, two hundred condoms and for your fancy friendzone friend. Well, one box of condoms and an old sock. Biddies: Hell yeah, safe sex! James: (long sigh) Ben Bailey: You’re two questions further than I expected you to be. Okay ladies, you might have to use your bug knowledge for this question. Question number three: What is the state insect of Michigan? Gabby: Wait, wait, shit, I totally know this one. Becca: Isn’t it the ladybug? Gabby: No, I think it might be that new species they discovered in that Michigan girl’s hair last year—shit, what was it called again? Ben Bailey: Ten seconds. Becca: Let’s go with ladybug! Ben Bailey: Sorry—trick question! Michigan actually does not have an official state insect. Sorry, it looks like you will all be ejected from the cash cab. James: If I give you an artisan hand-job, can I stay until the destination? Ben Bailey: Uhh–so long, ladies! Pulls lever ejecting them from cab. Biddies: NoooOOOO!! There you have it, another edition of MSU Cash Cab! Thanks for joining us, tune in next week when we see if a group of frat bros can make it from the house all the way to Taco Bell without embarrassing their obscenely wealthy families.

7.) People Everywhere Will Be Hoping Dick Vitale Finally Dies: His voice is like a cartoon character that everyone hates. His catchphrases are overused and abhorrent. He presses people about their struggle with HIV in front of a national audience. So, yeah, we’re all hoping Dick Vitale dies in a fire or something equally horrible this March. 6.) Girlfriends Will Ask Inane Questions: We love them, or at least we say we love them because we like easy sex. But when they don’t know sports, their constant chatter and lack of understanding during the tournament will have you saying, “Listen, Tits and Legs, you better shut your beautiful mouth before I put my beautiful dick in it,” before the first game is over. 5.) An Unheard of Team Will Ruin Your Bracket: Be it a Montana, a George Mason, or maybe even DeVry, count on one school you overlooked destroying your bracket, and your stomach lining in the form of a stress ulcer. 4.) Couches Will Burn: Come on, I’m no Nasty Nastradamus but, win or lose, couches burning in East Lansing during March is more of a constant in life than taxes or death. 3.) Michigan Will Choke: When a team finishes fifth in their conference yet is ranked sixth in the country, it’s pretty much assured they’re overrated. Much like every time you pay money to go see a movie starring Ashton Kutcher, Michigan fans should be prepared for disappointment.

2.) Michigan Fans will Make Excuses: Once they’re out, you can bet every excuse from “We never get calls,” to “Trey Burke was being taunted,” or “Well, if Tim Hardaway Jr. could read we would have won” will clog up our collective Timeline courtesy of your lessattractive high school friends and unemployed family members with GEDs and proclivities for Wal-Mart apparel. 1.) Tom Izzo Will Remind America He is Tom Fucking Izzo: The man, the myth, the legend—yeah, March is Izzo’s month. Like a fat, dumpy high school girl at Golden Corral, Izzo’s always hungry and he always wants more. America may forget about Izzo for the other eleven months, but come March the rest of the country has their memory forcefully refreshed as Izzo continues his habit of turning other school’s dreams of glory into very real nightmares.

justin gawel wrote this

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

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What were your first movie boobs? “Diane Lane in Unfaithful.” - Leah S., Senior

“Halle Barry in Swordfish.” - Alex P., Senior

“The infinite boobs in Caddyshack.”- Matt F., Senior

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Ode to the Anonymous Dance Floor Grinder meg enter wrote this For you, our hearts thump, anonymous bro. Your overly-cologned torso two-steps, Still knowing that Rick’s is the hood you rep, As you’ve, again, been dissed by some dumb ho. Just like every Thursday through Sunday night, You thrust your crotch at unsuspecting babes, Lusting after young and supple labes. To find a slutty lay, this is your plight. Big butts, small butts, flat butts and so much more, You aggressively grind against them all. Your wingman is a bust—that asshole, Paul. But you persist in finding your loose whore. So you’ve struck out with twelve chicks already, Sweat drips from your product-laiden hair To your graying pubes and that wrinkly pair. One ho says, “You’re creepy!” Shrill and petty. P.T. O’Malley’s, The Riv, and Club Rush— You’ve been bumping and grinding for so long, Each thrust weaker in this game of cock pong, As you become an unsavory lush. Like a masturbating pedophile Being monitored by the local cops, You panic as you pull out all the stops,

Drunkenly busting out Gangnam Style. Spotting the bouncer you know all too well, You head to the unholiest ass can To puke up some chunks like a man, Avoiding yet another dance floor hell. It’s one in the morning. You’re short on time. Poppin’ that collar never felt so good. You spot some fake titties and know you should Motorboat those babies after this rhyme. Arrogantly you drift across the place, To that big-breasted wonder you spotted, Ripe for that casual bang you’ve plotted. You grind up against her vaginal space. This one clearly has daddy issues, too. You go in for the sloppiest mouth kiss, Hoping your breathe doesn’t smell like dog piss. She tongue tackles you back—well, this is new. During last call, your heart races fast. You whisper in her ear, “Wanna take off?” Tonight’s your night—you won’t have to jerk-off. She finally agrees. You’ve snagged one at last. Whisking your new lay away from the bar, You ponder the ways to explain that mole.

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So pronounced, hairy and close to your hole, It’s resulted in others fleeing far. You’re in luck, since she be crazy drunk. The lights are all off and so are your pants. “Yeah, give it to me rough!” your lady chants, As you start to heavily pet your junk. Nerves start to set in, and trouble ensues. Your Italian salami won’t stay up. You’ve got whiskey dick bad—such a screw-up. She lets out a big sigh and shouts, “Damn you!” Your one chance at sex slams the door and runs. You console yourself by blowing a load Into your rag that’s sad and old. At least you have you and love yourself tons. So here’s to you, anonymous grinder. You bewitched us with your flailing chubby Despite being creepy, short, and stubby. Keep dancing from your head to your hinder.

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The Bar Grid

January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday!

WEDNESDAY: No Cover Early! 1⁄2 Off Everything! $2 Drinks, Beers & Wings $8 Bottles of Wine Live Bands & DJ

FRI: Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands

WED, 3/20

No Cover Early! 1⁄2 Off Everything! $2 Drinks, Beers & Wings $8 Bottles of Wine Live Bands & DJ

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No Cover $2.25 Wells and Beers $3 Qtr Lb Burgers Live DJ

Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys

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31 Irish Nachos and 1 2 Skins, Chicken Thumbs Monday 9pm-Close DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close 7 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks Follow us on Twitter!6 1/2 Off8 Night DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts @HarpersMSU DJ Juan Trevino DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Dublin Brew Crew from 7-9 Thursday 9pm-Close Book Harper’s & RUSH Coors Light, 23 $2.50 – Pints 20 21 $2 Wells, $222 Special Events $2.50 – Call Drinks Miller Lite, Labatt and PBR Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-CloseB-Days, Graduation $3 Rumple DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Free Cover Before 11 $3.00 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) Lite, Labatt DJ Beats Blue Light Sunday All Day $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas & Select Shots $3.00 – Pints DJ Donnie D $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Pints of Pub Dublin Square Irish $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs Coors Lt, Miller 327 Abbott Rd Lite, DJ’s Big Red & Weaver East Labatt LansingBlue MI 48823 Light 9pm – Close Every Day

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*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!

WED, 3/27

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The Bar Grid THURSDAYS! $1 Beers every Thursday Game on Labatt Blue Light Thirsty Thursdays! Season Starts April 11th!

TUES: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots

WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

Single Game Tickets now on sale!

$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 3/20

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

It's Thursday…$1 Beers every Thursday Game on Labatt Blue Light Thirsty Thursdays! Season Starts April 11th!

3P.M. - 8P.M. BURGER BASH $1 Burgers $1 Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks (excludes top shelf liqours) 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THURS, 3/21

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb

Win A Flat Screen TV! Flat Screen Fridays, presented by AutoOwners Insurance are May 3rd, June 7th, July 5th, July 26th and Aug. 9th

$3 All Drafts $3.50 Jack Daniels $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes DJ Big Mike

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 3/22

Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots

17 LAFCU Firewoks shows on select Fridays and Saturdays

$3 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Flavored Vodka $3 SoCo Limes and Kamikazes $3.50 Captain Morgan

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

SAT, 3/23

Every Sunday is Kids Day!

Happy Sunday!

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUN, 3/24

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MON, 3/25

Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 3/26

Text LUGNUTS to 313131 for Lugnuts Alerts!

$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE

WED, 3/27

MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers

11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

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SPECIAL NIGHT

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

An Open Letter (Or Blatant Threat) To That Guy In Class Zoë Kremke wrote this

Dear That Guy, Yes, you. You know exactly who you are. First you are a terribly annoying person. Yes, that’s not a polite thing to say, but considering you have walked in late to class day after day for literally the entire semester, we think it’s fair. No, it isn’t acceptable behavior. It’s not like you're just a few moments late, running in frazzled with your assignments and textbooks falling out of your hands. For an occasion like that we could forgive you easily, but no. You have come in a solid fifteen to thirty minutes late to each and every class. The rest of us have the dignity to get our fine, tight butts to class in a timely manner; what makes you so damn special that you get off the hook? Secondly, what’s going on with the whole “I’m constantly underprepared for anything life has to throw at me” act? Oh, you don’t have your textbook, paper, pencils, notebook, laptop, or anything else you might need for a college class? Shocker! Honestly, how difficult is it to at least pull together a notebook and a pencil? All we’re doing is taking notes, listening occasionally, and playing Fruit Ninja. But, of course, taking notes is too difficult for someone of your intelligence. Yet, it’s not like you can listen either! You screw that up too, sweet cheeks! It must be so apparent to you, even though you have waltzed into class after it’s halfway over, we’re all are clearly dying to hear your every last opinion on everything, even when they’re inane and absolutely unrelated to anything we’ve been talking about. Not that you would know, obviously, because you weren’t here for that half of the class, were you? Oh, and now you’ve decided that it’s okay to spread yourself out in a manner that causes everyone else around you to move? These chairs aren’t that big to begin with, Mr. Self-Absorbed

Moron. In what world is it acceptable to take up that much more space? Also, let’s go ahead and take this time to address several of your other annoying and incredibly noticeable habits and personality traits. You hum quietly under your breath when we’re trying to listen and, ultimately, just get through this lecture. The way you smell makes it clear to everyone around that you have not bathed or washed your clothes or pubic region since Brady Hoke was only considered “a little chubby.” Seriously, buddy, you smell like sweaty garbage mixed with Jewish cooking—and not the delicious kind, the kind Fran Drescher made for those kids everyday on The Nanny. We’re in college—put a minimal amount of effort into your hygiene. Stop chewing gum louder than you should; and, for Izzo’s sake, take those headphones out of your ears. If you’re not going to pay attention in class, why the hell did you even show up? For the purpose of pissing legitimately everyone off? If the guy who naps half the time is obviously irritated by your presence, it’s time to get your shit together. If things don’t start to change we’re going to start locking the door so you can’t get in. And, so help you, if this situation gets any worse than it already is, you can expect a significant amount of rat poison and drops of old jazz musicians’ diarrhea to be subtly slipped into that imported coffee you audibly slurp every day. Maybe not by us specifically, but, honestly, it isn’t an unreasonable expectation that you irritate the ever-living hell out of everyone you come in contact with. Rest assured, someone will ensure you’re either dead or are dying from Hepatitis B by semester’s end. Not So Respectfully Yours, Fed Up Students Everywhere

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week katie P.T. O'malley's Major: Art History Relationship Status: Engaged

Hangover Cure: Another bloody buddy!

Bar Pet Peeve: Puking on the bar—this isn’t a zoo!

Rockstar You Want to Party With: Dwayne Allman (RIP)

Describe Your Typical Customer: Much less polite than the three and four-yearolds I nanny for.

Boxers or briefs: I wear thongs…

Dream Job: Ben Stiller’s from Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Personal Theme Song: "Telephone"

the drinking game: march madness

It’s that glorious time of year again, the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. It’s all anyone will be talking about for the next couple weeks, so you might as well get drunk enough to not cringe at the throaty gurgling of Dickie V’s voice. What You’ll Need: Beer, eyeballs, a television Number of Players: The more (who bring beer) the merrier! Intoxication Level: It's a slam dunk. How to Play: Take one drink - For every “official” reference of a field of "68 teams" - For every Buffalo Wild Wings commercial - For every 60 Minutes commercial - Every time Dickie V. says something incredibly predictable on ESPN - Every floor slap Take two drinks - For every ol’ fashioned college-hustle play - When the higher seed goes up by ten - For every Craig Sager appearance - Every time a school’s band sadly attempts a pop song - When Marv Albert makes basketball seem poetically absurd Finish your drink - For every upset - For every correct pick in your bracket - When you realize you’re watching TruTV long after the games have finished - For every buzzer-beater - Before the guy you owe a lot of money to breaks your legs

Weirdest Thing in Your Purse: Four $2 bills What is the best line someone has used to score a free drink: “Hi, I write for The Black Sheep.”

recipe for disaster:

Nutella Cool Whip Popsicles We’re sick of winter and its iron-fisted, anti-popsicle policies. Just because it’s cold outside doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to make it cold inside our mouths! What better way to make winter go away by denying its existence and eating a frozen treat? What you’ll need: Cool Whip, Nutella, milk, blender, and one of those popsiclemakers (though an ice cube tray would work in a pinch). Cook Freeze Time: 3 hours Fatty Factor: Just tell yourself eating Cool Whip and Nutella in popsicle form isn’t as bad as sneaking spoonfuls of each at 3 in the morning. Let’s Get Baked: To make three popsicles: - Put 1 cup Cool Whip, ½ cup milk, and 3 Tbsp. Nutella into a blender - Blend - Pour gooey goodness into popsicle molds/ice cube tray/shot glasses - DON’T pour gooey goodness into your mouth, you impatient fat ass - Freeze for a few hours - Eat all three in one sitting It doesn’t have to be summer out to enjoy frozen treats, just like it doesn’t have to be the weekend to be drunk at 11 a.m.

The Game Ends When: The games end, dummy.

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Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

t e k c a r Ncaa b t e k c a r b n o i t c e l se

It's bracket season, and with it, all the insane ways millions of people make irrational decisions in hopes of eking out a few extra tax-free bucks. Well, not to get too meta, but we've decided to release our bracket on bracket selection processes. Which methods are most and least effective? Hint: Cuteness of animals has no correlation on basketball success.

we interview:

caspian

This week we had an opportunity to catch up with Erin Burke-Morgan, guitarist for post-rock monolith Caspian. These Massachusetts instrumentalists released their fourth album, Waking Season, in 2012, and are currently touring the United States to support it. We talked… well, we talked about that album, and touring in support of it. The Black Sheep: You guys are touring right now, where are you? Erin Burke-Moran: We’re in Portland, Oregon. TBS: When you tour, do you have the opportunity to take in the sights? Erin: You know what, on this tour it’s not so much sights. In the United States the drives are so long, the four or five days we have off are driving days. We went to a place called Voodoo Doughnuts today. TBS: They have a bunch of wacky doughnuts, right? Erin: Yeah, I had some crazy mango-filled doughnut. And that’s kind of cool, it balances out not being able to see anything. TBS: Since you’ve been on tour, we're sure you’re tired. What does fatigue mean for a band? Are you mentally exhausted? Physically? Erin: We all have our routines before going on stage every night. We have a stretch routine we go through each night, and that puts you in the music mindset. But yeah, I think the lack of sleep, in and out of reality, makes performing easier. At one point you’re in this wacked out zone in a van, then it’s like, stage time, and you know it’s time to perform. TBS: What’s your pre-show routine? Erin: Listen to some music, have a brew, and I do my stretches for twenty minutes before we play. I’ll catch the last song of the band performing before us, then it’s go time. TBS: Is the stretching a precautionary measure, or in response to an injury? Erin: (laughs) I’ve actually hurt myself a couple of times. I’m not old, but I’m getting older, you know? In 2010 we were in the middle of a tour and I swear to god, I gave myself whiplash. (laughs) It was hard playing two more weeks with an injured neck. TBS: How long does it take you to hit your stride on tour? Erin: It’s usually a week or so before you really get into a zone. Once we get there we try to stick with it. Of course you get tired. We were over in Europe last summer, and some of the craziest shows were at the end of the tour, and you have to stay up for those. TBS: What are you most looking forward to when you get back from tour? Erin: I mean, just having dinner with my girlfriend. I’ve been with her for three years now, so it’s tough getting away. TBS: What do you go for when you’re recording music? Erin: It’s different for every record. On Waking Season we were going for an ambient sound. About three quarters of the way through it we looked back and realized, “Wow, a lot of these songs are similar.” That’s when you know it’s natural. Now we’re performing it live and deciding what’s next. TBS: A running theme in music, what is that a result of? Erin: Our method usually involves someone getting an idea for a melody or a chord progression or a skeleton of a song. We’ll get together and jam on it. We just record ideas or practice sessions on an iPhone, then build from there. TBS: Are there ever heated arguments regarding music, or is it mostly eye rolls? Erin: It goes back and forth. There’s days where we’re looking at the floor, not being able to stand looking at each other. There’s other times when everyone just needs to step outside and smoke a cigarette. One thing that was great about Waking Season we got past inhibitions and insecurities, and found ways to communicate. TBS: Do you pay attention to criticism or acclaim from music press? Erin: I think we like to say we make music for each other; that we play what we’re happy with. The more we do this, the more we learn we can’t make everyone happy. To some degree you have to write for your fans, what’s been important to us is making music we can vibe with. Response from friends, interestingly enough, is when listening to Waking Season they’d uncover new stuff and it’d settle in with them. That’s a great response. TBS: But do you go, “Yeah! Spin gave us a nine!” or “Motherfucker, why did you give us a three?” Erin: (laughs) I mean, you read the reviews. It’s always funny to see what people say. It’s also just…part of the whole thing. TBS: What’s some music you’re into that your bandmates say, “Man, I can’t believe you listen to this garbage.”? Erin: (laughs) Not so much anymore, but I started playing guitar at fifteen, and some of my favorite bands were Live and Bush. Bandmates would give me such a hard time about that. Nowadays, I’m always trying to get them to play weird chords, and they won’t do it. That’s kind of the beauty about writing in a band, collectively coming to decisions.

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

NCAA March Madness March 21st - 24th

There's nothing quite like celebrating the end of winter hibernation than by getting mad during the month of March and bingewatching basketball in your living room. Have your brackets handy, your refrigerator stocked, and your comfiest party pants on, because you're going to be glued to the TV for four straight days. Good luck trying to go to class.

The Strokes - Comedown Machine out march 26th

Acclaimed indie rockers The Strokes are back with their fifth studio album, Comedown Machine. Suckily off of a mediocre 2011 album, sexy Juilan Casablancas and the rest of the bros say that this album returns to the sound from their classic first album Is This It. Be sure to check out the album's single, "All The Time."

Wavves - Afraid of Heights out march 26th

Goofy and perpetually stoned Nathan Williams, the head honcho behind surfer noise/rock band Wavves, has managed to remain relevant since his 2008 debut. Despite multiple band line-up changes, Wavves is cruising along at full force with the release of Afraid of Heights. Their fourth studio also includes two cameos by Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley fame, which is all one needs to say for us to pay attention.

the madlib: hungover at the gym Oh my ___1___, why am I here? I am sort of glad my bitch of a roommate is dragging my ___2___ ___3___ here to ___4___ on the elliptical, but only because I’m still kind of ___5___. All right, I’m going to try the treadmill first, get the hardest one out of the way. Hopefully ___6___ is on, it’s the perfect thing to stare at mindlessly. Okay, got my earbuds in, blasting ___7___ so loud I hope I knock this tiny Asian next to me off her machine. First minute done -- I’m not doing too shabby! Except my head is pounding like ___8___ would pound ___9___ after a roofied ___10___ or two, so maybe I’ll just run a mile. Maybe I’ll walk the last half. God, the Asian is giving me the stink eye, maybe because I’m sweating out all the ___11___ from last night and smell like the floor of ___12___. You know what, screw this. I’ll try the elliptical, at least it’ll make the bouncing of my head more subtle. Lord, why do all these girls look perfect while I’m sweat-

ing and shaky like I took a bunch of ___13___ in ___14___. Whatever, I can do this! Perfect, a machine open next to the ___15___ girl so I can feel better about myself. Damn, she makes Kim Kardashian’s ___16___ look small. Okay, of course she’s watching ___17___ make ___18___, what the hell! Just focus on ___19___ getting drunk and making bad decision, wow, I’m not really as bad as them. Sure, I danced on ___20___ bar last night and slipped on a pile of ___21___ but at least I didn’t get arrested! That ___22___ looks so good my stomach is growling like a ___23___ . I can’t do this. Okay I see my roommate, I’m gonna motion that I’m going to just chill out on the bike until she’s done. I’m going to cool down, put on some ___24___ and just mellow out and… …. I cannot believe I feel asleep on the bike. Thank God my roommate is ready to leave, I need ___25___ ASAP and maybe a ___26___ .

1) Swear word 2) Synonym for big 3) Plural body part 4) Verb 5) Synonym for drunk 6) MTV show 7) Intense rapper 8) Slutty male celebrity 9) Whorish girl you know 10) Girly drink 11) Liquor 12) Popular bar 13) Party drug

14) Hot exotic location 15) Synonym for big 16) Body part 17) Famous chef 18) Typical drunk food 19) MTV character 20) Bar from #12 21) Liquid 22) Food from #17 23) Wild animal 24) Indie band 25) Food from #17 26) Cocktail

the wordsearch: What’s for brunch? Eggs Omelette French Toast Pancakes Toast Cereal Muffins Bagels Granola Oatmeal Yogurt

Grits Bacon Sausage Fruit Quiche Coffee Green Tea Orange Juice Bloody Mary Mimosa Bellini

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