Michigan State - Issue 10 - 3/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FRE E. AND .. LIKE /OR FIND HOO ING KUP TRU S O E LO NLI NE. VE

Vol. 10, Issue 10

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

3/20/14 - 3/26/14

A DATEMYSCHOOL.COM DATE: A FICTIONALIZED STORY OF TRUE ROMANCE IN EAST LANSING LIZ ALLEN WROTE THIS

Potential suitors, they dwindle away over the years like dust in the wind. For Amanda, a former Saginaw prom queen TKO’d by the freshman fifteen, her odds of ever finding love were running slim. Enter DateMySchool.com, or as it is known to most college students, “spam”. Amanda had developed boobies early, causing her to peak in middle school. Her story is not uncommon, but still suburban-ly tragic. If it were a song lyric it’d be just the right amount of “deep” to land itself in an AIM Buddy Profile. Her senior year of college was coming to a close and with graduation right around the corner she found herself at the intersection of shame and desperation. In that moment she knew what she had to do. With a swift click of a button her registration was confirmed. Amanda became a member of DateMySchool.com. She waited for her match outside Cold Stone Creamery, and although he was named “Jared” she remained optimistic. The first 15 minutes went soothingly fine, as they began their relationship exchanging anecdotes about their classes, the weather “Like, how crazy is all this snow?” and all things small talk until they made their way to movies. “Who’s your favorite actor?” a question that Amanda would soon regret asking. “Vin Diesel. He’s seriously the best! If Vin Diesel had hair and that hair had dandruff it would taste like powdered sugar. Did you see The Pacifier? That duck gets me every time!” Somehow Amanda looked past this major character flaw and followed Jared back to his place. He opened up the fifth of Captain Morgan Lime Bite and offered a drink to Amanda, who was in need of about eight drinks. Instinctively, she threw back two shots while Jared chased with a Sprite Zero. As the shots went by it reminded Amanda of how the years had too, the next thing she knew she was in his room listening to his barely recognizable acoustic guitar rendition of the Goo Goo Dolls’ “Slide”. The next morning the sun rose and a beam of light crept through Jared’s curtains, which were really just stained bed sheets. Amanda could see nothing but regret and what looked to be a Criss Angel Mind Freak Magic Kit tucked away on the top shelf of his closet. Jared rolled over to face Amanda, brushed her bangs out of her face and said: “Hey so last night was fun, but I don’t think we should see each other again. I’m just really focused on my job right now and it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Taken aback, Amanda replied, “But you work at the Student Book Store as the guy who takes people’s backpacks and puts them into cubbies to avoid shoplifting. You are a backpack valet. How much focus could that possibly require?” to which Jared responded, “You’re upset and I get that, but there’s no need to lash out.” And as quickly as Jared came the night before, he was gone.

To this day no one knows what happened to Amanda, some say she packed up and left town, haunted by getting the bump-n-run from an alpha asshole. Others speculate that she choked on an abundance of Hollister cologne in her next DateMySchool.com adventure and suffocated. As for Jared, he practices magic on Grand River and continues to valet backpacks.

PAGE 5

PAGE 7

INSIDE THE STEAM TUNNELS OF EL: MOLE PEOPLE EXPOSED

TOP 10: REASONS TO GIVE US MONEY

SPAM MAIL HOAX UNCOVERED!

EVEN SCARIER THAN THOSE WHO LURK IN CEDAR VILLAGE.

WE’RE TOTALLY COOL, MAN, IS THAT NOT ENOUGH?

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

WE EXPOSED THE TRUTH ABOUT THOSE SHADY SPAMMERS.

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU GUESS THE MASCOT

#GOODTIMES #THEBLACKSHEEP

WORD, MAN CONVERSATAN A man or woman who only discusses negative things. “I don’t want to be a conversatan anymore,” Quinn thought, angrily, “but everyone in this world is so dumb, it just makes everything so stupid.”

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW

YOUR MEMES?

DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THIS FAMOUS MEME? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU. FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: VT HOKIES

STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: STEVE HARVEY

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: BUSINESS CAT

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

FROM THE TWEETS

WHAT IS YOUR CRAZIEST ST. PATRICK’S DAY STORY?

FROM THE TWEETS

CURRENT EVENTS

INSIDE THE STEAM TUNNELS OF EAST LANSING:

MOLE PEOPLE EXPOSED ZOE KREMKE WROTE THIS

The idea of what mole people are, exactly, is often misconstrued. The general public, when asked to describe an average mole person, usually depicts a character with no hair, whiskers, and who is extremely pale. This description is wrong. We talked to a self-proclaimed expert on moles Elijah King about mole people: “Generally, they’re a quiet folk who just want to live their lives below the society’s surface. They build their own government systems, use mini-shooters of whisky as currency, and are almost completely self-reliant.” King said. The Black Sheep then asked King to explain what he meant by almost completely self-reliant. ”Things can get confusing when you start discussing the undergroundunderground of the underground, but regardless, one shooter is worth about $10 down there,” he said. “Oh, and they also trade in locks of people hair. That’s like their Euro.” When asked if King knew

TOP

TEN

REASONS TO GIVE THE BLACK SHEEP MONEY MSU STAFF WROTE THIS

Are you a young entrepreneur who just raised some cash on Kickstarter wanting to build your business? Maybe you own a mom and pop liquor store or bar who supplies the public with stellar goods at reasonable prices. Perhaps you’re the Regional VP of a soul-sucking, employee-screwing, environment-ruining megafirm looking to appeal to the hip collegiate youth too smart for your subliminal messaging.

Beneath the beautiful college town of East Lansing, Michigan lies a complex maze of steam tunnels. The tunnels are used, primarily, to assist in heating the sidewalks of Michigan State University’s campus, and melt snow off the walkways. These tunnels stretch on for miles, winding their way through East Lansing, pondered as rarely by Spartans as the feelings of a Wolverine. Rumors that the tunnels are haunted have lingered around East Lansing for years, but ghosts and ghouls aren’t the only things that students should be worried are lurking beneath their feet. A Physical Plant worker recently discovered an entire colony of mole people in the steam tunnel underneath Wells Hall.

THE

Regardless of whether or not you fit these criteria, you should totally advertise with The Black Sheep. The newspaper and website are revered by Michigan State students. TBS’ literary clout is hard to rival, and a Junior at Harper’s last night went so far as to say, “you guys could totally write for like The Daily Show, or other shows.” But enough of the pandering, time to get down to cold hard facts, Coors Light style. Here are the Top Ten reasons to advertise with The Black Sheep: 10.) People Love Us: Let’s be blunt here. Every great media outlet has its haters, but the vast majority of our readers do it happily and eagerly, not bitterly. Furthermore, people who dislike The Black Sheep dislike funny things, and those people are the worst. Do you really want the business of people who can’t take jokes? Those are the same kind of people who don’t tip, don’t say thank you, and pee in the lobby.

who the East Lansing mole peoples’ supplier up top was, he denied knowing anything or having heard any rumors on the subject while shifting his eyes about and making the creepiest mole sounds ever under his breath. The only way to find out more about these mole people was to talk to the person who discovered East Lansing’s colony, or Moleus Spartacus, as science is calling the recent group of mole people. According to Phil Bufflick, the man who witnesses say kept a mole person in his shed for three days after discovering the colony in secrecy, things get weird. “When I initially saw the little fucker I thought it was an alien, a UFO thing.” When it was explained to Bufflick what UFO stood for, he clarified, “Oh, well, no it wasn’t flying. He was an ugly fuckin’ object, though. Called ‘em Carl.” Bufflick said he caught the moleman and chained him up in his yard because he was unsure about his motives. “I kept interrogating it, you know like Rust in True Detective,” he said. “I didn’t believe he wasn’t an alien at first, but eventually he convinced me he was a writer trying to put his daughter through mole college, so I bought him ‘bout 20 mini-shooters for

the trouble and set ‘em free,” Bufflick confessed. “Catch and release, brother. Catch and release”. The Black Sheep investigators decided to get a first glimpse of the colony. After checking every non-weekend night for a week, nothing unusual occurred. Last Thursday, however, Elijah King was sighted approaching a steam tunnel entry laden with bags of hair and minishooters full of cheap whisky. Expecting to see him the next night, TBS rigged the tunnel with several cameras and witnessed a prominent moment in mole people history. Carl, Bufflick’s alleged mole friend, generated an uprising against the tyranny of King’s supply, citing him “being creepier than the mole people, manipulating the mole people, and extorting the mole people,” in what is being called as the War for Moledependence, thousands of Molus Spartacus ambushed King, fueled by their drunken valor and thirst for freedom. King was carried off into the tunnel, his body is yet to be found. Bufflick is keeping quiet about his relations to Carl and denying that he has seen him since his initial stay. “I bought ‘em those 20 shooters. That’s it,” he said. “Power to the mole people.”

9.) Especially Athletes: Let’s face it, Spartan athletes are busy and don’t have time to read for fun between training to dominate the B1G and chillin’. But in recent years the awesomeness of The Black Sheep has changed that. Whether it’s an entire article about our ongoing infatuation with punter and trick-play specialist Mike Sadler, a RT from a basketball player or a follow from Mark Dantonio (yes, he follows us on Twitter, for now), TBS gets love from Spartan sports. Fact: Draymond Green once read our article about him and replied “that was funny lol.” 8.) Famous People, Too: We’ve interviewed everyone from musicians like Flux Pavilion, to professional mental cases like Steve-O and everyone in between. We’ve built friendships with some (shout out to Blue Man Group) and still drunk text others (sorry, Big Gigantic). We even interviewed the creator of the Cronut (if you don’t know what that is, look it up now). 7.) We Would Probably Be Best Friends: We mean, you’re still reading this, and you kept reading even after we said “Coors Light style”. 6.) We’re Blowin’ Up, Dog: The Black Sheep branches are sweeping America like the legalization of gay marriage, and they’re just as fun and fabulous. The more we grow, the more people who will see your company’s name and think, “Well, I do have money on me right now…” 5.) We’ll Help You Be Funny: Everyone knows funny sells almost as much as sex, or funny sex. We can’t give you the last two, but we’ll help you with the first. It’s the least we can do for your business. 4.) We Won’t Steal From You: Do you ever worry that your company will be robbed or you will be mugged? Well, you don’t have to worry about The Black Sheep doing that to you. We personally guarantee none of our employees will steal form you, nor will they mug you. In fact, 9 out of 10 The Black Sheep writers would at least yell for help if they saw something bad happen to you (Martin is kind of a dick, sorry). 3.) We Could Be So Much More Than Strangers: Does your business want to hold a trendy event that will get a great turn out? 11,000 students follow our Twitter account’s every command. Okay, we’re not like… hypnotizing anyone, but you get the idea. We’re popular “on the social media.” 2.) We’re Not The State News: This one kind of explains itself, but we’re not a real, bland newspaper. Instead of writing about Obama signing a boring farm bill at MSU, we wrote about his fictional night on the town, and people ate that ‘ish up. 1.) You’re Totally Cool, Man: You know it, your friends know it, your Mom knows it. Now, we’re cool in college. The torch has been passed, and we won’t let you down. Let us help you be cool in the often uncool “real world”.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

STUDENT WHO GAVE UP JESUS FOR LENT SAYS IT’S GOING “PRETTY OKAY, ACTUALLY” RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS Midway through Lent, junior Stella McGivern is “doing fine,” as she works through her decision to give up Jesus for Lent. After contemplating between whether to give up checking her Yahoo Shine horoscope or not, she decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: giving up Jesus. Being a lifelong Catholic, this was initially a giant change for her; however, she has allegedly been doing “just fine, totally” and that her life has been “exponentially better than how it was with Jesus.” Her heritage goes back to medieval Ireland, where her Catholic roots originated. “My family’s been devoutly Catholic since forever, like back when people used to shit in buckets and stuff,” she explained. “We’ve always been especially serious about Lent—we celebrate it every month.” Thus far, McGivern has participated in 263 months of Lent, beginning from when she was a fetus. She was beginning to run out of things to give up, as chocolate, reality TV and three of her six toes are all out of the question. McGivern rationalized her decision to drop Jesus, saying: “I wanted

to give up something that was significant to me, just to show how committed I am to this thing. Also, I need to know which Arab Spring dictator I am, so giving up Buzzfeed quizzes won’t be possible at this time.”

"She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that 'being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.'” As an alternative to her Christian faith, she first dabbled in Scientology; however, after reminding herself that you had to make at least $3 million per year to be a Scientologist, she ended up switching to full-blown atheism. She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that “being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.”

“I think she’s having a little too much fun with this,” commented Remus McGivern, her father. “She keeps saying things like, ‘We shouldn’t be hampered by traditional notions of religion,’ and ‘Where was God when Grandma fell into that industrial furnace, huh?’ We didn’t raise her to be this demon-child without values.” “I’ve just been stressing the importance of the individual and our independent choices,” she responded defiantly. “You don’t need a higher power to tell you how to live your life. So far, I’ve gotten like, six abortions in the past couple of weeks. It’s been awesome!” She then proceeded to steal a Twix bar from a small child, which was like, so atheist of her. Luckily, we were able to get a word from The Man himself, Jesus Christ. When McGivern’s name was brought up, He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s be honest, it isn’t much of a loss now, is it? She used to be okay, but like a week ago, I saw her taking Jell-O shots in a public restroom. Her life’s clearly

going downhill without Me, but it’s her choice. I don’t want to be involved with that hot mess. Anyway, I’m going to go deal with Syria now or something,” Jesus said. “The devil can take that bitch, like honestly.” Pope Francis stepped in, claiming that “He didn’t really mean that, now did you, babe?” According to bystanders, he alleg-

edly shot a furtive glance to Christ, whispering something about “how we have like, five fucking followers right now, so like, let’s not talk shit about them, okay?” According to McGivern, this has been the most liberating experience of her life; she plans to stay atheist. As part of her spiritual journey, she hopes to tackle radical feminism in the near future.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP

SPAM MAIL HOAX UNCOVERED! SAM METRY WROTE THIS We’ve all gotten emails to our MSU accounts from spammers aiming to prey on broke college kids. They tell us that we can “earn money fast” and all we need to do is provide some “basic information.” The Black Sheep polled students and found that 9 out of 10 Spartans delete these emails instantly. But what if they’re legit? We decided to find out if there was any merit behind these so-called spam emails. The following is an investigative report done by one of our own personal slaves interns. Dear Spartan, I have a way for you to make up to $250 dollars a week! All you need to do is supply me with your social security card number, birth name, your current residence, your dog’s last name, and your 3rd grade teacher’s middle name and I’ll send you more information! Great resume builder, opportunities to advance. Apply now! Warmest regards, Cynthia Stongarm Dear Cynthia, This sounds like something I’d definitely be interested in. Can you tell me if health insurance and a 401k are included as benefits in addition to the $250 per week? If not, could I take less and have those added benefits? Also, you seem

very friendly, would you and I be working together if I take this job? Thank you very much, Tim Titwell Dear Tim, We certainly offer all of the things you mentioned. To guarantee our ability to meet your demands, send me your grandmother’s address and bank account (unless she’s dead, then just use richest living relative), your third cousin’s blood type, and your Social Security Number. Unfortunately no, we won’t be working together—I work from home. Sincerely, Cynthia Dear Cynthia, I’m sorry but I don’t have any relatives considered “rich”, except my Uncle Rich, but he’s a registered sex offender so I’d rather not call him. However I just spoke to my Grandma and she’s willing to directly wire money into an anonymous account (I told her it was for the Jeopardy! fan club). My third cousin and I aren’t currently on speaking terms, but he seems like an AB positive type of guy. Is it okay if I only provide my Social Security Number? Also, not being able to

work with you is a bit of a deal breaker for me, so anything you can do to make that happen is appreciated. I’m very lonely, they keep me in a basement. I mean, uh, my internship is stressful. From, Tim Dear Tim, Sending me your Social Security Number is a great start! If you can do that that, I believe that we can definitely have a working relationship. Cynthia Dear Cynthia, My Social Security Number is [information withheld]. When can we meet to discuss future plans? From, Tim Dear Cynthia, It’s been two weeks since my last email, what are your plans for me heading forward? Sincerely, Tim Dear Cynthia, Large sums of money in my bank account have been withdrawn from a 7-Eleven in Bethesda, Maryland. Were you behind

this? Also, have you been purchasing hundreds of Chinese parts for the newest iPhone on Amazon?! Please stop ignoring my emails. Sincerely, Tim Cynthia, What is going on? I trusted you. My Grandma just filed for bankruptcy and they’re taking her house. My account is growing more negative that my outlook on life, which is also concerning my close friends and family. Don’t make me call the ELPD, they’ll stop at nothing to apprehend criminals! Concerned, Tim Cynthia, The ELPD have informed me that there’s

nothing they can do unless you happen to have set fire to upholstery recently, or if you ever considered drinking before you turned 21. Don’t make me tell them you have! Panicked, Tim Cynthia, Fuck you. Bitterly, Tim Tim has since dropped out from Michigan State and stopped working for The Black Sheep. It’s a shame, he was really good at doing whatever we told him to do without asking any questions. Until our next investigative report, The Black Sheep insiders remind you to work for your money. This is America, not Canada.

BAR SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE. Download

THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE APP

YEAH!

SCAN FOR THE iPHONE APP SCAN FOR THE ANDROID APP

Or Search Black Sheep Mobile 07

QUICK AND EASY. JUST LIKE IT SHOULD BE.

DOWNLOAD OUR APP TODAY AND ORDER DELICIOUS DUBS RIGHT FROM YOUR PHONE!

MENNASJOINT.COM IS YOUR DUB HUB! 115 ALBERT AVE • 517-351-DUBS | 4790 S HAGADORN RD • 517-324-DUBS

January 2010

The Bar Grid

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.

$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks

SPECIAL NIGHT Wednesday Daily Specials: Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Thursday 3/20

$3 Pints of Guinness, Harp, Smithwicks and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, John Powers, $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish Nachos and Chicken Thursday Friday Thumbs Saturday

31 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

The Crosstown Showdown presented by Auto-Owner’s Insurance is April 3rd! Buy tickets now!

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Global Village

Our first Labatt Thirsty Thursday is in two weeks!

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

LIKE us on Facebook!

$3.50 All Flavored Vodka, $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime, $5 Spartan Bombs

The Crosstown Showdown presented by Auto-Owner’s Insurance is April 3rd! Buy tickets now!

Closed - Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

Have a relaxing Sunday, baseball is almost here.

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

Find us on Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram: @LansingLugnuts

$2 Wells, $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

NO COVER!, $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Every Tuesday during the season is Dollar Deal Day! $1 Hot Dogs, Sodas and Ice Cream Sandwiches!

Wednesday 3/26

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

What Day Is It? Enjoy Hump Day Happy Hour from 7-8 Every Wednesday with Half Off Drinks Also meet our live camel Humphrey!

Thursday 3/27

$1 Off Bombs $3 Fireball, Fire & Ice Shots, Rumpleminz $3 Draft Pints

One Week until the Crosstown Showdown presented by Auto Owners Insurance Did we mention it will also be a Labatt Thirsty Thursday?

Saturday 3/22

7 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Monday 3/24

9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Lt,The Ice Boxers Miller Lite, Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Donnie D

21 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 Pints of Coors

STAR FARM

Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, 29 30 $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Beats DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

DJ Beats

$3 Bloody Marys, $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, For More Information Contact Us: Coors Lt, (517) 3512222 Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!

Tuesday 3/25

$1 Off Bombs $3 Fireball, Fire & Ice Shots, 8 Rumpleminz, $3 Draft Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.50 DJ Minze (Back Bar) Pints of Coors DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bud Light, Labatt

Sunday 3/23

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM! 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM! 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Friday 3/21

THURSDAY:

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday! (except: Wed.)

½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

If you don’t start following us...

YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU Scan to go right to the page!

The Bar Grid SPENCERSKITCHENANDBAR.COM Book Spencer’s for events, bar crawls and fundraisers ! Lowest Beer and Liquor Prices EVERDAY! Highest Quality food and Drinks only at Spencers

TUES: 2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2! AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

Go Green! Specials Run Monday-Sunday All Day & Night!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap w/ Fries 11am to 3 pm $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (Pints and Bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo Cans (all varieties)

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/ Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 3/20

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic) 1/2 off Apps 6-11pm, Famous Friday “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the Famous

Free small fry with the purchase of any dawg and drink (ask for it!)

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

Friday 3/21

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

Saturday 3/22

Closed. Follow us on Facebook!

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Sunday 3/23

$4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices), 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

Closed. Follow us on Facebook!

$2 Domestic Bottles, $3 Premium/Micro/ Craft Bottles, $4 Featured Martinis, $2.50 Glasses of House Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Monday 3/24

2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2! AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers

Tuesday 3/25

All Day Long, all Mega Menu Items for $1 off!! AFTER 6PM: Fill your own mug (must be a mug & must be 32oz or under) of Labatt’s Blue for only $3!

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wednesday 3/26

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 3/27

$4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the D-Town

Half off apps ALL DAY $4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels Breakfast and Beer! Add a domestic pint for $1

All Day! $2 Domestic Bottles Not Valid on Home Game Days

AFTER 6PM...Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

the crossword famous steve(n)’s ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 YearOld Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actos in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also

know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first daying who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?” DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen.11)

Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state? 13) Blind musician born in Saginaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.

CALL US TODAY! (517) 203-5963 Beer, Fine Wines, Keg Beer, Liquor, Subs, Salads

210 Michigan Avenue., East Lansing • jonnas2go.com

VOTED LIVINGSTON COUNTY’S BEST PIZZA!

$1999 FAMILY MEAL DEAL

2 X-Large Round Pizzas (1 with 5 toppings, 1 with 1 topping) Large Tossed Salad and 1 Dozen Breadsticks

1 Topping Large Pizza

99 1 X-Large Pizza, 12

Breadsticks, 2lt. Faygo

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM Major: Spartying Relationship Status: Engaged to Harper’s Favorite Drink: Any of my magical mixed drinks.

BARTENDER

Favorite Shot: Sparty shots Disgusting Drink: Anything that makes people throw up. If you had to choose between St. Patrick’s Day and Christmas, which would you pick?: Is that a trick question? St. Patrick’s Day is like College Christmas.

ROCKSTAR

Do you know who you’re voting for in the 2016 Presidential election?: Izzo/Dantonio 2016 aka DantonIzzo

OF THE WEEK Melissa of Harper’s

Your life is a show on Netflix—what show is it, and which character are you?: Breaking Bad, and I’m Jesse Pinkman. What was your least favorite 90s cartoon?: Ahh!

Real Monsters was creepy and kinda gross. You’ve just won Warren Buffet’s Billion Dollar Bracket Challenge! What do you do next?: Go to Disneyworld! Actually, buy Disneyworld. And probably blow about ten stacks at Harper’s with my coworkers. If you taught a class at MSU, what would it be called?: Pouring Shots with a Smile 320. It would be an upper-level course, because freshmen don’t pour shots. They chug from plastic bottles of cheap vodka. If you could go back in time and tell your 6-yearold self one thing, what would it be?: I’d tell myself that they’re going to take recess away! And nap time. Never take recess and nap time for granted. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because The Black Sheep loves Harper’s and we love The Black Sheep.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Finger Bowl

Ramen Fried Rice

Drinking games are usually based on skill, which is why, Jesus Christ, Arnold, hit the f***ing cup once in a while, man! Finally we get to share a game based on luck, meaning finally, Arnold, we can mitigate your overall awfulness.

Listen, we know you’re in college and living cheap. If you’re sick of eating at the same Chinese joint that failed its past 11 health inspections or if you’re just too hungover to walk over there, then check out our recipe for Ramen Fried Rice.

What You’ll Need: 1 bowl, different types of alcohol and some fingers. Number of Players: As many that can fit around a table. Level of Intoxication: One person could puke pretty fast, that’s for sure.

What You’ll Need: 1 package of oriental ramen noodles, 1/2 cup peas, 2 eggs, 1 teaspoon sesame oil, 1 pinch white pepper, 1 tablespoon peanut oil, 4 green onions (finely chopped), 1 teaspoon chopped garlic and 1/2-1 cup chopped chicken Cook Time: About five minutes Risk of Self-Induced Food Poisoning: HIGH

How to Play: - Get a bowl and place it in the center of a table. - Everyone should pour some of their alcohol into the bowl. The drinks can be anything—beer, tequila, a rum and Coke, whatever. You can put as much or as little as you want in there as well. - Everyone stands around the table and places one finger on the lip of the bowl. So if there are five people playing, there should be five fingers on the bowl (duh). - All players close their eyes. - One person counts to three. At the count of one, decided whether or not to remove your finger from the bowl. - After he says “three,” everyone shouts out how many fingers they think will remain on the bowl. - Each person needs to account for the number the person to their right announces. - For example, the counter shouts, “one, two, three!” and you say “six,” if there are six fingers left on the bowl, you are out and can sit off to the side until the game is done. - The counter can vary the pace they say the numbers to mess people up when trying to pull their fingers away. - The last person standing has to drink the mixture in the bowl. The Game Ends When: There’s vomit in the bowl, because there probably will be.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Let’s Get Baked: - Break the noodles into about six pieces in a bowl, sprinkle with the contents of the seasoning packet and pour boiling water over to cover. - Stir a bit and let soak while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Rinse peas with hot water in a colander to defrost. - Mix together the eggs, sesame oil, and pepper and set aside. - Heat skillet and add oil. - Add garlic and green onions, stir-fry for 30 seconds. - Add optional meat and peas and stir fry until hot, about one minute. - Drain the noodles well, add to the skillet and stir-fry for another two minutes, stirring constantly. - Stir in the soy sauce. - Pour the eggs into the skillet and continue to cook and stir until the eggs are cooked. - Serve If your stomach doesn’t feel like it’s swimming in acid 15 minutes after eating, then congrats, you won’t die!

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

eleven reasons

(and a half )

why you should stop kidnapping the elderly Tex Mex wrote this We know what you’re thinking: “Seriously, The Black Sheep, are you trying to suck the fun out of my Friday nights?” Trust us, we’re more upset about corporate making us write this as some stupid “learn from your mistakes/help us get out of the legal trouble you caused us” piece. So, as useless as it sounds, here’s 11 ½ reasons why you should stop kidnapping the elderly.

1. it’s just too expensive of a hobby

3.you’re running out of ideas for ransom letters

Studies have shown that smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday for a year can end up costing over $2,000. A year of kidnapping old people could cost you $1,000 alone on gas (depending on the location of your preferred retirement home), over $2,000 in pre-chewed foods, $3,000 for assorted entertainment like silk doilies and seasons of Golden Girls on DVD, and $500 for parts and maintenance. Unless you’ve kidnapped an aging Mr. Monopoly, your stupid part-time job isn’t going to cut it.

For the first couple of weeks, there was nothing quite as exciting as writing to morbidly stressed-out family members that you have their dear Gammy Marjorie captive and she’s worth approximately “X” amount of dollars. Nowadays, you’re likely too busy to cut individual letters from magazines and you’re running out of eerie, foggy piers to host transactions. You can always send a, “Hi, [FAMILY NAME]. This is [CAPTIVE ELDER]. I am doing fine,” card, but where’s the soul in that?

2. you have your own grandparents Depending on how long you’ve been up to your shenanigans, you could have anywhere from three to three hundred stolen elders crammed into your basement. Why ignore the perfectly sound grandparents you already have at your disposal? We know about the stack of unopened, cheesy Christmas cards sitting on your desk waiting to be opened. For shame.

4. your car will get that new “old people” smell At this point, you definitely shouldn’t be driving your mom’s matte black minivan for your raids anymore because it’s not exactly the most inconspicuous looking vehicle. Depending on how ransom money has gone (if you’re into that sort of thing), you’ve probably treated yourself to a nice early-2000s Honda Civic, or at least a car that makes wide scale abduction a little more tasteful and environmentally friendly. But it’s only a matter of time before that “scented pine” air freshener yields to “formaldehyde and prunes.”

ELEVEN REASONS / STOP KIDNAPPING THE ELDERLY

5. you’re tired of being mistaken for someone’s grandchild Agnes tells you every day that you remind her of her handsome, strapping-young-lad-of-a-grandson, David, and it’s breaking your fucking heart. For the first few weeks, it was fun to humor the Alzheimer’s sufferers of the lot, taking on different personas they found heartwarming. You probably haven’t realized that you ended up with a wicked case of multiple personality disorder, a few good-and-confused elders, and a writhingly depressing story that will probably get picked up by Spielberg in time for the next Academy Awards.

6. they’re causing you to seriously doubt your generation You probably thought that the whole “Back in my day…” story intro was only in the movies, and boy-oh-boy, you couldn’t have been more wrong. At this point, you had to have gone through enough of Boris’ talks about the early 50s to know that being a Millennial is bad, and you should feel horrible about it. Did you know that, back in his day, Americans used to be afraid of red-stained, good-for-nothing Commie bastards rather than flat-out electing one as President? Or how about the fact that Elvis was the real king of rock before those damned Beatles brought long hair and sex appeal to this once-fine country? Yeah, the 90s sure were better times, huh?

7. they don’t make the best sweatshop laborers Let’s be honest for a second, buddy: We all know that some people are in this business just for the money, and that passionless person could very well be you. The flaw in your likely failing operation is that you’ve been abducting the wrong age demographic this whole time. When you order Gertrude to tweak the inner screws of the textile machine, did you take into account that she needs reading glasses? Not to mention that you’ve probably been breaking some sort of labor law because of some dumb Retirement Act that forces you to treat your aging workers like people. You’re operating at a loss, friend, and it might be time to file for bankruptcy before you’re as old as your work force.

8. you’re almost out of random relatives to impersonate It was easy enough the first time to just stroll on in Shady Oaks and proclaim that you were Bobby [LAST NAME], fit and able to pick up your dear Grandpa [LAST NAME

FROM EXCEL SHEET] before wheeling his confused ass straight from the exit ramp to the back of your trunk. However, only an amateur old people snatcher would dare waltz into a nursing home with the same disguise twice. Forty-seven fake occupations and innumerable drag outfits that even Mrs. Doubtfire would find questionable later, your only viable options at this point probably rely heavily on skin pigmentation. Then again, with your track record, it may be clear that the reception staff clearly doesn’t give a shit of who stays and who goes.

9. your social life is suffering Remember the good old days when your friends wanted to play “house” and you always wanted to be the grandparent? Or when you would always insist in high school that you be called “The Grandpappy” with zero explanation? You even don’t go out dressed like a pigeon for the old ladies at the park to get closer to their soft, sagging skin nearly as much as you used to. In between those pastimes and listening to Lawrence Welk vinyls, it’s hard to believe why you would ever even consider kidnapping old people in the first place.

10. you’re eventually going to have to tell the nurse you’ve fallen in love with what you “really” do Your stops at the reception desk are becoming more than just “small-talk chats.” Your first couple dates with Mary were wonderful, and there’s no doubting she’s an absolute angel. Hell, you’re set to meet the parents next week. You know the inevitable “So, X, what exactly do you do for a living?” question is going to pop up, and “entrepreneur” just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

11. you’ve begun to realize that changing catheters isn’t as fun as it sounds To an extent, this one’s very much like hyping up alcohol as a teenager, only to find out that it loses its thrill very

quickly. If you’ve been someone who’s been an equal opportunity kidnapper supporting all old folks without preference, good on you, but that decision’s about to bite you square in the tuckus. Your house smells more of elderly urine than the usual aroma of cat urine, and it has likely made all of the cats you stole last summer incredibly jealous. If you can’t balance the overpowering stench of household urine across all kidnapped parties, you may as well admit that you don’t take abducting geezers seriously, and that’s pretty upsetting to us.

11 1/2. You’ve realized that the police are outside your house Like, they’re literally about to burst through the front door right now. We agreed to tip them off in order to lessen our own sentence. We sincerely apologize, but if it took you the full 11 1/2 reasons before you realized that you needed to get the hell out of dodge and let your people go, then you probably deserved to get caught anyway. Sorry!

THE COLLEGE GAMEDAY SEEK AND FIND Can you find all of the images below in this College Gameday scene?

six degrees of separation

do you know how chevy chase and quentin tarantino are connected? send your answers to sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!

VOTED #1 PLACE TO TAN!

1215 EAST GRAND RIVER AVE., EAST LANSING : (517) 332-4847 : VIPTANNING.COM OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK : FREE PARKING : WE ACCEPT SPARTAN CASH!

WHY LIVE ANYWHERE ELSE?

SPACES FILLING QUICKLY F O R FA L L 2 0 14 SAVE $200 WITH REDUCED FEES close to campus + free CATA bus pass + private bedrooms + private bathrooms available + leather-style furniture wi-fi hotspots + internet & extended cable with HBO included + game room with billiards + 24-hr fitness center 24-hr computer center + swimming pool & sun deck + sand volleyball & basketball courts + free tanning + coffee bar

APPLY @ ABBOTT PL.COM 2501 Abbot Rd â&#x20AC;˘ 517.324.9880 Fees, amenities & utilities included are subject to change. Limited time only. See office for details.