Michigan State - Issue 10 - 10/23/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 11

The Black Sheep

mo Free der ! Lik ate ly c e the ute tea Mic rs of hig an g irls.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE MICHIGAN Baer Woods wrote this

Issue 10

‘Twas the night before Michigan, and after the party, Not a creature was stirring -- not even Sparty. Spartan flags were hung on the campus with care, In hopes that Game Day soon would be there. Spartans had partied, hopefully into someone’s bed, While visions of roses danced in their head. There was Izzo in his pullover, ready for the win to bloom; He stood watch, waiting for the celebrations that loom. When out through the stadium there arose such a clatter, They ran to the noise to see what was the matter. Away to the entrance, they ran in a flash, And tore through the turnstiles with a dip and a dash. The sun just rising, gave the stadium a glow, And an uncanny beauty to the picture below. When what to their wondering gazes should appear? Eight massive Spartans and a blocking sled coming near. With a powerful coach, looking like a modern day Romeo, They knew in a moment it must be Dantonio. With great vigor and determination, his team came, He whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: “Harder Cook, Harder! Langford, now! Lippett and Shelton, “Faster! Kurtis, Faster! Shilique and Sadler; “To the goal line! Faster now! To the sideline!” “Now sprint to the weight room! Get ready for primetime!” Just as the leaves fall before these whirlwinds, Spartan defense drops victims, and steals their girlfriends. So up to the weight room, the team they ran, With a book full of plays, and Dantonio, their best man. Within the stadium, a team was ready for their fate, They heard clanging and banging of every weight. As Izzo drew his head, and turned it around, Into his office, Dantonio came with a bound. He was dressed for victory, from head to foot; Not a smudge of dirt was on him, not even his boot. A new batch of plays was laid on his desk, He looked like a man that needed no rest. His eyes – how they stared! You could just feel the burn. His mouth was a snarl; his face: how stern. His attention focused on films of games past, His mind wondering, could they make this streak last? He looked toward his team’s leaders, how hard they worked, It was then that he knew duty would not be shirked. Dantonio then looked to Izzo, and gave him that look, Then Izzo knew, that Connor was ready to cook. Nothing was shared between these two men, other than a beer, Yet both knew what would happen tomorrow, just like last year. They both knew that St. Dantonio was ready to show what he knows, So he gave Izzo a nod, and then from his desk he rose. He strode into the weight room, to his team gave a call, And to the showers they walked, ready for all: Dantonio looked to Izzo, he said “Prepare for glory” – “Happy Game Day to all, and to all a Spartan Victory.”

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#MICHIGANEXCUSES

REDNECK STUDENTS MORE EXCITED FOR BUSCH CAMO CANS

MOVIES MONSTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

OH, IT’S HUNTING SEASON? WE THOUGHT IT WAS AWESOME CAN DESIGN SEASON.

WE OFFER SOME CLOSURE TO THOSE THAT’VE SUFFERED FROM THESE SCARY MONSTERS.

BLAME IT ON THE LARGE AMOUNT OF HOT DOGS, YOU PUNKS.

A FEW MORE WAYS

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SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE BIG EARED MIDGET

TO KILL SOME TIME.

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WORD of the WEEK TRANSPOORTATION Any method of getting from point A to point B that requires the participant to do more than walk to his or her car. Recoiling in horror when his car didn’t start, Monty realized he’d have to take some sort of transpoortation to get to class.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

An ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation.

Made acting debut as Young Deb in Drop Dead Diva.

Has appeared in music videos by Sia, Alexx Calise and Todrick Hall.

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FROM THE TWEETS Where is the most inapporpriate place youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been naked?

GO GREEN

THE TOP TEN People or Things Who Could Do a Better Job Than Brady Hoke Our rivals in Ann Arbor are having a tough time this year with their football team, and we feel kind of bad for them. Us Spartans still remember the John L. Smith days, and know what it’s like to have a football team led by an idiot. At the end of the day we’re all still Red Wings fans, so The Black Sheep decided to give Michigan some ideas on who could run their football program when they finally fire Hoke.

#MichiganExcuses Albert Maclin wrote this As every Wolverine fan will tell you, the University of Michigan football program is historically one of the best of all time. Citing many victories in the very ancient past, most recently their Rose Bowl win in 1998, Michigan fans go into every game assuming their opponents will be quivering with fear before their awesome might. Unfortunately, having a decent team 17 years ago doesn’t actually mean anything and die-hard fans are forced to endure letdown after letdown. Whether they’re moping in their beat-up trailer or their daddy’s mansion, Michigan fans take to Twitter to let out their feelings of teenage angst. Their endless post-loss whining has come to be known only as #MichiganExcuses. Football doesn’t even matter to us: “We’ve been a basketball school since day one,” Michigan fans insist when football doesn’t go their way. Sporting their hideous yellow jerseys, Michigan has recently learned how to play basketball and they couldn’t be happier. “Sure, we lost Stauskas and McGary,” fans admit, “but with Coach Beilein at the helm, we’ve got the greatest basketball team of all time. It’s not even worth bragging about football anymore. The officials always ruin the game for us anyway – even after they’ve taken the bribes.” Forget that the Spartans beat them to win basketball’s Big Ten Championship last year, because as you’re sure to hear, “Ohio State is our real rival anyway.”

Coach had us warm up by eating hot dogs: Come to think of it, this is actually a legitimate excuse. It’s hard for us Spartans to make any comparisons, however, as Dantonio looks like a stern-yet-compassionate Greek god and not some beady-eyed Buddha. “Sometimes we skip practice and just have Taco Tuesdays,” an anonymous player explained, “I would enjoy it, but coach always takes all the tacos.” Feel pity on the Michigan football team, because instead of running down the Red Cedar River, they’re running to Ann Arbor’s local Mickey D’s and picking up a couple Filet-o-Fish sandwiches and a chocolate milkshake to be delivered to Coach Hoke on the double.

The weather was terrible. Threw off our game big time: This one is simply a classic, topping even the “I didn’t know we were out of timeouts” excuse. Every Michigan fan will tell you that Mother Nature is out to get them. The sun is always in their eyes and the wind screws up every pass they make, giving the “illusion” that their quarterbacks are talentless. If there’s going to be a hurricane, you bet your ass it’ll hit just as the Wolverines are about to allegedly make the play that will win it all. Regardless, Michigan fans have developed a means to turn at least one aspect of nature to their favor. “Look up during halftime this year,” fans have been warning with sly grins, “our skywriter has got something totally cool planned.”

We got scared: Michigan fans are proactively making excuses for this weekend’s game, despite being fairly certain that they’ll pull of a victory. “Last year we thought rushing yards were scored in golf style, and if they were, we would’ve demolished you,” fans said. “This year we’re prepared. All of our losses have been to respectable teams, and we’re ready to blossom like the beautiful flowers we are.” Michigan fans are skeptical, however, of the circumstances looming around this weekend’s game. “Halloween is scary,” the Wolverines explained, “especially when it comes to Ann Arbor girls.” This weekend is even worse than a normal Halloween, too. “It’s intimidating seeing actual hot girls in the stands whenever we play at MSU, and with this whole Ebola thing added to the mix, we’re kind of hesitant to even leave the library.”

Win or lose, you can be sure that those dweebs in A.A. will have a lot to say – so long as they’re hiding behind a computer screen while they do it. Regardless of how this weekend turns out, there’s one thing we can be sure of: Michigan has their excuses ready.

10.) An Actual Wolverine: There is nothing intimidating about Brady Hoke. He’s a fat disgrace of a football coach. A wolverine could teach their team so much about how to scare the opposing team; the only thing Hoke scares are the people in front of him in a buffet line. 9.) Bo Schembechler’s Corpse: All Michigan fans talk about is what it was like when Bo was running the show, so why don’t they bring him back? He’ll probably be cheap—maybe even free-- to hire. He can’t do a worse job of inspiring the team than Brady Baby. 8.) A Plate of Beef Stroganoff: Football players have insane appetites, so if a player sees that his coach is a delicious meal, he’ll work even harder at practice. The downside to this is that there is a pretty strong chance Hoke will return with a fury and eat his replacement. 7.) Rick (Owner of Rick’s): There’s also a Rick’s in Ann Arbor, and Rick is a businessman. He knows that a losing team means less victory celebrations, and less victory celebrations mean less money spent at his classy establishment. As far as his qualifications go, he’s bound to have picked up something from all the MSU football players who have paid him a celebratory visit over the past few years. 6.) Zeke The Wonderdog: Zeke takes player safety very seriously. There’s no way he would have let a concussed player onto the field. Even by that basic measuring stick he’d be a better coach than Brady Hoke. 5.) A RadioShack Employee: RadioShack is going out of business soon, because who needs RadioShack anymore? In-store workers are going to need to find a job in the near future -- and guess what Michigan fans? They know how to operate a headset. We can’t imagine a coach who could get hired without that invaluable trait. 4.) That Kid in Your Econ Class Who Still Wears His Varsity Letter Jacket: That dude must have been insanely good at football in high school. Why else would he be wearing his jacket all the time? The only thing that stopped him from playing college ball has got to be a knee injury. If he ran the show on Friday nights in high school, who’s to stop him on Saturdays? 3.) Anyone with the Last Name Harbaugh: Jim and John, sure, think of what the undiscovered family members can do. They probably have kids who are looking to take on a summer job to start a car fund. Hire one of them –Timmy or Dana or Mickey, whatever-- they can’t be worse. 2.) A Condom: It would do a better job of teaching protection to the offensive line at Michigan than Hoke does now. 1.) Any Michigan State Student: That’s right Spartans; you are qualified to run the Michigan football program purely because you attend the school where Mark Dantonio coaches. Expect to get a phone call from them any day now begging you to come in for an interview. Baer Woods wrote this

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REAL PPL

PRETENTIOUS MORON

Zinnia Prescott Wells III was just finishing final preparations when her roommate made the mistake of asking her what her costume was this year.

Makes Statement with Halloween Costume Garrison Rasmussen wrote this

“I will have you know, Veronica,” sighed Zinnia, “that my costume is going to be the life of the party tonight. Not only will I make a strong political statement that I am against homelessness, but I also will effectively repel anyone from having a conversation longer than thirty seconds with me.” She continued on without any prompt to do so. “You see, the plight of homeless people is terrible, and I cannot wait to demonstrate what a problem we have with this in East Lansing. They’ll see!” she threatened to no one in particular. As she looked up, she noticed her friend had already left. “Must be eager to get out there and see how many stereotypical frat guys she can sleep with,” Zinnia thought, annoyed at the prospect. Zinnia set out for the party, six-pack of Zim Water (you haven’t heard of it) in hand. Zim had just started up in a small Danish village. She liked to support new drinks, as they’d give her yet another reason to brag about how “individual” she was. Rocking her “homeless attire,” she walked out of her apartment, ready to prove that she was standing up for homeless people everywhere. As she exited, she received a text message from her mom: “Hey honey, just wanted to let you know that tomorrow we’re doing a canned food drive. Can I expect you to come volunteer, even for just a couple hours?” Zinnia scoffed at her text message, annoyed that her mother even dare try and distract her when she was working to send a message that homelessness is a terribly rampant problem.

As she walked towards Gunson Street, a gentleman appeared in front of her. Zinnia gave him a quick rundown with her eyes, and soon judged that he wouldn’t get her Halloween statement. He clearly didn’t have a sense of fashion, wearing all those baggy coats and a ski hat. “Ma’am, I was just curious if you had a dollar so I could purchase a sandwich,” pleaded the man. “It’s been a few days since I ate any--” “Oh my God!” exclaimed Zinnia. “I can’t even with you right now. I am trying to let society know how bad the homeless problem is! You’re ruining my evening by wasting my time talking. How do you expect me to alert people at the party of the homeless situation in America if I have to deal with scum like you? Get out of the way!”The man looked stymied as she stepped past him, ignoring his plea. Slightly irked, she kept going, but soon tripped. She dropped her Zim Water, bottles shattering on the sidewalk. Zinnia hurried over to Big Ten Liquor to get nice and liquored up so she could continue on with fighting homelessness. As she walked to the register, however, she noticed that her credit card had fallen out of her pocket. Looking at the person in line behind her, she quickly asked, “Excuse me, but do you happen to have a few dollars to cover my drink cost? I’m in quite a rush and really need this.” But the person behind her merely pushed her out of the way as he went to the register. “I cannot believe the manners of some people nowadays!” cried Zinnia, now outside of the liquor store. “Don’t people know I’m doing this for the betterment of society? Whatever, I’ll just panhandle for some booze at the party.”Off Zinnia went, ready to prove to her acquaintances what a good person she was for raising awareness.

Moderately Cute Michigan Girl Suffers Mental Breakdown in East Lansing Sparty Shadows wrote this

Amanda Barnes, a University of Michigan senior, is currently being evaluated at Sparrow Hospital for a mental breakdown she suffered Friday night on the 500 block of Beech Street. Barnes apparently underwent significant mental stress upon discovering that, “she just wasn’t nearly as hot as she thought she was, as we all thought she was,” said Jessica Keefer, close friend and witness to the ordeal. According to Keefer, Barnes and several other Michigan students were visiting Michigan State for the upcoming MSU vs. U of M game. Upon entering East Lansing, Barnes began to exhibit significant signs of stress and panic. “She started looking at her reflection in the screen of her iPhone,” said Matthew Winston, a fellow Michigan friend. “She usually takes, like, 100 selfies and posts them to Instagram, but she kept trying to mess with the filters to no avail. That’s when she looked out the window of our car and started to act really bitchy.” Barnes allegedly began yelling at passersby, particularly women, critiquing them on their outfits and appearances before asking her friends inside the vehicle, “Do you think she was hotter than me?”

Winston told The Black Sheep that he sensed a looming breakdown and tried to comfort Barnes. “I knew that literally every girl we passed was at least three to four times hotter than Amanda, but I wasn’t going to say that. I just kept telling her, ‘they’re Spartans, we’re better than them’ but I could only hide the obvious for so long.” The situation escalated when Barnes and her friends exited the vehicle and began pre-gaming for their night out. “We went to our Spartan friends’ apartment,” said Keefer. “They told us they were going to have a few people over to play drinking games before we went to the bars, which was fine with literally everyone except Amanda. She kept asking, ‘who are they?’ And ‘what do they look like?’” That’s when things got out of hand, according to witnesses. Both Keefer and Winston stated that four to five men came over with five or six females each, prompting Barnes to instantly retreat to the bathroom. According to the hosts of the party, Michigan State students Jeremy Thompson and Spencer McSwaney, Barnes locked herself inside of the bathroom for an extended period of time. “We heard the shower go on, then off. Then all of our girlfriends’ hairspray started to seep out

from under the door,” McSwaney said. “It was like she was trying to wash off the ugly, or spray over her weirdly-shaped forehead, but it just wasn’t working. Saddest thing is, she was kinda cute to begin with, I mean, for a Michigan girl, that is.” After an awkward game of Waterfall, Barnes and her friends exited the apartment and began to walk to the bars. That’s when disaster struck.

“She started kicking over trash cans and screaming to the sky about how jealous of MSU girls she was,” Keefer said. “She pulled my hair and almost got arrested before the police officer heard the full story. Apparently he had seen something like this before in the ‘80s. I just can’t believe it happened to Amanda. I hope she gets over it and realizes all that matters is what’s on the inside. Wait—no. She’s a pretty shitty person, too.”

U of M Student Wins Scariest Halloween Costume Contest, Despite Not Wearing Costume

Here in Michigan, the advent of hunting season is celebrated as a holiday by many. But let’s not forget the true meaning of this special day: Busch Camo Cans. That’s right, as inevitable as the falling of the leaves and sorority hayrides, Busch Camo Cans are back in stores everywhere, causing many self-proclaimed “country boys” to jizz in their jeans over the “Redneck Pumpkin Spice Latte.” The Black Sheep got a chance to talk to junior James McManus, a member of the Farmhouse frat and Camo Can enthusiast, who insisted on being interviewed while sitting on the tailgate of his lifted Ford F-150.

Justin Sienkowski Wrote This

Goblins, demons and sober Friday nights. None of those things are as terrifying as the costume U of M junior Phillip Grant wore to Mac’s Bar Annual Halloween Costume Contest, which judges participants on how downright disturbing their costumes are. Phillip won the top spot in the contest with 103% of the votes after showing up with a costume that a judge described as “something straight out of my worst nightmares.” The costume was elaborate, with an oversized t-shirt, splattered with stains of buffalo sauce, which had the most unpleasant combination of colors imaginable: maize and blue. Baggy sweatpants with holes and tears throughout covered up his seemingly gargantuan thighs. Grant did not stop there however; he used some sort of makeup to create the effect that his skin was broiling in scorching hot grease. His hands wielded open ulcers and blisters; his nails curled over the tips of his fingers. When speaking, Grant talked in a blood-curdling screech not even a mother could love. “I haven’t been this frightened since those damn trolls lived under my bed when I was

REDNECK STUDENTS MORE EXCITED FOR BUSCH CAMO CANS THAN ACTUAL HUNTING SEASON

The Black Sheep: You guys do have furniture inside, right? Or do you sleep out here too? James McManus: Don’t tell me you’re one of those Prius pussies (unleashes a slew of dip spit into his personalized camo spitter emblazoned with his initials). If you had a truck, you’d do the same. TBS: Right. So what is it that makes Camo Cans so much better than normal Busch, despite it being the same exact thing? JM: It’s a proven fact that everything is better in Camo. Beer, clothes, trucks, toilet seats, you name it.

five,” Anton Smalls, a judge in the contest, said. “The moment he walked in the door I thought for sure it was the end. People actually thought he was the walking dead. Either that or the Ebola apocalypse had begun.” Upon announcement of his victory, Grant seemed a tad befuddled. “I was just here for the Michigan game this weekend and heard Mac’s Bar was a good place to go to avoid all the “asshole” chants by MSU students since it’s in Lansing,” he squealed. “I didn’t know there was a costume contest going on. I thought it was Speed-Dating Night, which is why I wore my good pants.”

TBS: Does the Camo Can actually blend in when you’re hunting? Would a normal beer send deer running for their lives? JM: I’ve never tried it out in person. I did shoot a squirrel with my BB gun off the balcony of my apartment last year though. TBS: So what your saying is you’ve never actually been hunting. JM: It’s the principle of it. Hunting isn’t just a sport; it’s a way of life. You always got to be on the hunt. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. TBS: Uh, huh. Where did you say you’re from again? JM: My heart lies in Alabama……but I’m from Grand Rapids Justin Sienkowski Wrote This

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LAGUNITAS - American IPA |Long 6.20% ABV California, $3 Bells Two Hearted $0.50 Beer, $4.50 United States $5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3 Jack CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER (2pm-8pm) $3 Fireball CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5

Go Green! Go White! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

COCKTAILS

MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV Wisconsin, United States $3

Thursday 10/23

151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8

$3 Blue Moon Shorts $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, Royal, Apple WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown $4 Captain Morgan $3 $2 Washington Apple Shots, Schapps, Cranberry 5 Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger $3 Johnny Vegas CIROC BOMB - 6 Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Happy Hour 3-7

FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5

Saturday 10/25

BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints,

MOJITO -Bacardi juice, mint leaves, MASTER $3 Rum, 16oz,lime Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV $3 Pearl Bloody Marys simple syrup, club soda $6 7 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Sunday 1/2 Off Day! Missouri, United States $3 and Screwdrivers Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, 6pm - 10pm LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite the rocks 6 $5 OffonKabob Combos For Two Happy Hour All Day! Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3

& $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Sunday 10/26

STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6

$2 Domestic (6-11PM) AMSTEL LIGHTDrafts 4 BUD LIGHT $2 Wells33(6-11PM) BUDWEISER

$2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles $2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

SPECIAL NIGHT

JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4

ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA (Grand Rapids, MI) $4

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots

$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots

SHOTS

Happy Hour Specials: SATURDAY: CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer$2.50 Domestic Bottles Schnapps 4 $0.50 Beer, $4.50 Long Specials Run Monday (Bellair, MI) $5 $2.50 14oz Domestic Drafts Watermelon Schnapps, 5 JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Sunday All DayRed&Bull, Night! Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3.50 22oz Domestic Drafts TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American (2pm-8pm) IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball 4 $2.50 Well Drinks

BEER BOTTLES

BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM) Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints

ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don Julio, Grand Marnier, $2 Domestic Bottles, $3

Premium/

lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder 9 $5 Bud Light, Coors Light Micro/Craft Bottles, $4 Featured BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored$2.50 Vodka,orange Martinis, Glasses of House and Miller Lite CARRIE Pitchers liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Happy Hour 3 - 7

Falafurger Combo

Monday 10/27

TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8

$3- Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles Grey Goose, dry MARTINI ON THE ROCKS and 8Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Vermouth, bitters, lemon peel

$3 Angry Orchard Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6Mai Tai's, WHISKEY SOUR - CrownWines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Happy Hour All Day! $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, 7 $3 Off Select Appetizers

ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors

Tuesday 10/28

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian

MARTINIS

Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $2.75 Corona, Corona Light $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, and Dos Equis $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our GUMMY BEAR Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, Mediterranean Wines,splash $2.49 Falafel Happy Hour 3-7 of sour and sprite 7

Wednesday 10/29

Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8

$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)

$3 Microbrew Shorts Burger and Brew Special! Happy Hour 3-7

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

TRAY CATERING FROM 10 TO 1,000. ANY EVENT

Thursday 10/30

Quarter

PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

LIFE TIPS

LOOKING TO WIN A HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST? Look No Further! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! ‘Tis the season of gigantic bags of Kit-Kat bars, pumpkin spice condoms, and miscellaneous spookiness. The best part of Halloween is finding that awesome costume that’s a perfect balance of offensive, slutty, and most importantly, easy to put together. And as the authorities on offensive and slutty, we’re here to help. Brace yourself for the most bitchin’ list of costumes you’ve ever freakin’ seen:

your costume includes: bitch tits, a corndog in one hand, and a Rose Bowl trophy from 1998 in the other. Slather yourself—and your corndog—in mustard and there you have it.

A Buffalo Wild Wing: Let your creative juices flow for this one. You could wear an angel wing, carry around buffalo sauce and just act like a wild, drunk freak all night. Or you could take it more literally and dress up like a big, lumpy, tan piece of delicious chicken. pageEither ad way, = 5” X 5.5” h to be the thisw costume is sure spiciest one at the party, and everyone will want to bite off a piece of you. Hot.

Frat Bro/Sorority Ho: Aw, a beautiful and creative couple’s costume. Be sure to make it hella-stereotypical. Polo shirts, puka shell necklace, Sperrys, and colorful shorts for the guys; Hunter boots, puffy North Face vest, and a baseball cap for the chicks. Say, “wait, who do you know here?” as much as possible throughout the night.

Sexy Brady Hoke: If you really feel like spending copious amounts of money on the most bodacious fat suit on the market, then try this costume! Or just stuff a pillow in your shirt. Make sure

Mittens Romney: Depending on your political affiliation, (we’re a part of the Big, Drunk Sheep Party) you either love or hate Mitt Romney. Dress up in the fanciest of suits and pull on your coziest red mittens, and you’re set.

Katelyn Hallup wrote this

closest friends together and make sure you call dibs on being the sluttiest Teletubby of the bunch, obviously Po. When you’re at Halloween parties, just imagine how all the guys will flock to you, begging you to taste their Tubbycustard. Too far? Nah. The Real Housewives of Omaha, Nebraska: Why dress up like the lameass housewives of Atlanta or New Jersey when we all know Midwest is best? Get glammed up in your freshest pastelcolored turtleneck, mom perm, and, if you’re feeling extra saucy, your sexy black Crocs.

xoxo, Gossip Squirrel: Spotted... A hot piece of ass in a squirrel costume. Oh wait that’s you. Just add a flip phone from 2004 and you’re good to go.

Captain Canada: Captain Canada doesn’t actually fight crime, because in Canada there’s no crime to fight, he just picks up trash on the side of the road and says “sorry” to anyone who runs into him. To create this costume, replace all the stars in Captain America’s outfit with large red Maple Leafs, and carry around a fifth of syrup as your drink for the night.

girls who woke up with a sore jaw because they had their head in the toilet all night. If you’re prone to being a notso-hot ratchet mess, you might want to pick a costume that works well with ratchetivity. With a messy blonde wig and a slutty outfit, you have a legitimate Amanda Bynes costume. People will assume your drunk ramblings about microchips are all part of the costume.

Sexy Teletubbies: Get your three

Amanda Bynes: This one is for all the

An Actual Bush: Because let’s face it,

HARPER’S

HAMBURGER HEAVEN

ALL-YOU CAN-EAT

Hamburgers Hot Dogs French Fries Salad Bar

Thursday 2-10 PM

All Draft Pints HEAVENLY $2.00 $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamis, LI’s SPECIALS $3.00 Dbles, Shots & Bombs

you’re going to pass out on someone’s lawn anyway. Why not fit in with the rest of the pathetic shrubbery? If you want to win that costume contest, you’ve gotta commit. You can’t just be a basic cat-bitch. But the most important thing to remember is, no matter what your costume is, don’t be a dick for Halloween. It’s fun, go all out and please refrain from jerking off in the communal cider bowl.

The only relevant shirts for football season

FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY - RICH HOMIE D

comes with a FREE Koozie! - blacksheepswag.com

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Logistics and business Favorite Drink: Stoli Blueberry with water and lemon Favorite Shot: Megatron • Disgusting Drink: Scotch on the rocks What should be infused with alcohol that currently isn’t?: Marijuana. What animal would you most like to see drunk?: An orca whale, for sloppy splashes. If you had a song playing in your aura as you walk around, what would it be and why?: “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot What’s your favorite euphemism for a naughty bit, and why?: Is this real life? What’s a feature a social media platform should offer, but currently doesn’t?: Smell on Snapchat. How does one best get dough daily?: Hustlin’.

AMBER OF TRIPPER’S

THE DRINKING GAME

What are your thoughts on me noticing you noticing me, and me putting you on notice that I’m noticing you, too?: There aren’t any. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause it’s the best paper ever.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

LOST AND FOUND

DRUNK NACHOS

Here at The Black Sheep know how rough weekend nights can get. You might end up lost on campus, running home in your underwear or – God help you – lying face down in a pile of your own shit outside of a bar. Most concerning is when you wake up the next morning without half the stuff you left with. Well, tonight we’re going to retrace our steps and find your stuff the only way we know how: get just as drunk and do it all over again.

It’s that point at the night where you’ll eat anything. You’ve perused the cabinets and you’ll settle for a block of uncooked ramen if you have to, but then you see it: a bag of chips. And then you remember it: There’s a bag of cheese in the fridge. That only means one thing, bud. Drunk nachos.

What You’ll Need: Half the items you had last night, more beer, and the ability to regain your memory. Number of Players: You and your internal compass. Level of Intoxication: Exactly the same as your previous night, one step too far and you’ll end up losing everything you have left with you.

What You’ll Need: The will to stand next to a microwave for 45 seconds, the creativity to place cheese on a few chips. Fatty Factor: Enough cheese to choke a few times while trying to swallow the chips.

How to play: - Wake up and realize you’ve lost everything you need to survive: wallet, phone, that tiny picture of a muskrat you keep in your pocket because you think it’s too funny. - Try calling your phone from your friend’s phone like an idiot. - Actually believe you’re going to find it for a second and then lose all hope. - Get as drunk as you did last night out of self-pity. - Realize that if you’re just as drunk as you were before, then logically you must be able to retrace your steps with no problem. - End up at a bar, shaking the bouncer and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?”

Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a handful of chips and put them on the plate (it’s much easier to pour from the bag). - Refrain from eating handfuls of cheese and leave them where they are on the chips. - Shove that shit in the microwave and wait 45 seconds. - DON’T try to eat one right after taking them out, you’ll burn your tongue and kill any hope at tasting all future chips. - Get some salsa while you wait (it will also help cool off those chips). - Screw it, don’t wait any longer. Burn your mouth if you have to, they’re too good to not eat. - Lay in your pile of crumbs and total satisfaction. You did it. You made nachos.

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning just to realize that everything was in your pants pocket from the night before. Whoops.

Wasn’t that better than a shitty block of ramen or a can of SpaghettiOs? If you keep using your head like that, things will be looking up for you!

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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

We’ve all been there: it’s time for bed, the nightlight in the hall has mysteriously gone out, you don’t dare let your feet dangle off the bed for something might grab them, and your parents have told you for the tenth time to, “Go the hell to sleep, you’re 22-years-old.” The Black Sheep remembers, and we’ve decided to offer some closure to those that’ve suffered scary monsters. LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS

Oogie Boogie

Velociraptor

Damien

Claim to Fame: Constantly attempting to take over Christmas, and kill Santa Claus. Where We Last Saw Them: An empty sack lying at Jack Skellington’s feet. Where Are They Now?: Since then, Oogie has come to terms with himself, claiming abstinence from gambling as his reason for success. The former gambling addict now hosts weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings, serving as team leader for his charter of the group. “We, uh, admit that, uh, we are powerless over gambling – whether it’s children’s lives or money – and that our lives are unmanageable… or something like that,” Mr. Boogie said about how he overcame his addiction. “This is a great, uh, program they’re running here. It’s really helped me and my, uh, issues.” He works as a janitor in Emerson Elementary in Battle Creek, Michigan.

Claim to Fame: Eating people at a theme park, battling a TRex, and opening doors. Where We Last Saw Them: …eating people, fighting a T-Rex, and opening doors. Where Are They Now?: With his vicious, pointy teeth and giant claws, Velociraptor has created some terrifying cinematic moments. His glory days on the silver screen behind him, everyone’s favorite raptor has since earned degrees in paleoecology, paleontology, and quantum mathematics. Now an exhibit coordinator at the Natural History Museum in Chicago, Velociraptor has made quite a living, as well as a strangely off-putting British accent. “I fear my days as an actor have tainted my species,” the non-avian doctor said, “that ignorant sod Spielberg made sure of it, dehumanizing us every chance he got.” The prehistoric creature has since vowed to reestablish his species as top-dog, signing on as a consultant for the upcoming Jurassic World. “For too long, we Theropods have been portrayed as, dare I say, primitive. Pish-posh, I say! We are some of the most impressive creatures to roam this earth! Pick a door, any door, and watch me open it!” Velociraptor is reportedly making a seven figure salary.

Claim to Fame: Being the Antichrist. Where We Last Saw Them: Holding the President’s hand, looking ominously into the camera. Where Are They Now?: Ever since his parents tried to kill him, this son of Satan has found new meaning for his life. Raised in a government halfway house, Damien Thorn has vowed to champion pro-life movements throughout the nation. “I had a very close call as an infant,” Thorn stated in recent press conference, “if I was granted the right to live by my government, then goddammit, so does every life, hell-born or not!” A steadfast Republican, the jackal-born Antichrist is a frequent contributor to Republican fundraisers and campaigns, often working as a speech-writer. He served as co-writer for the 2012 Romney presidential campaign. “I was sadly banned from joining the seminary, but I found a new calling as a writer,” Thorn said, “the lord sure works in mysterious ways.”

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Count Chocula

Pennywise

Claim to Fame: Kidnapping damsels in distress, taking them to his creepy lair in a swamp. Where We Last Saw Them: Sinking to the bottom of the Black Lagoon, riddled with bullets. Where Are They Now?: As the star of the sitcom, The Gillmans, Gilbert Gillman of the Black Lagoon couldn’t be happier. “Erghh-glersh, Academy Awards-gluhgersh,” the ABC star stated, and he’s probably right. After a brief, but successful stint in black and white film, Mr. Gillman drifted away from Hollywood, but of his own accord. “Erfhh-glaff, lerghhlaswah, errghy-settle down,” the star stated, “erghhin-make babies.” It wasn’t until the mid-2000s that Mr. Gillman reemerged, with the continuous support of his wife, as the beloved Manny Gillman on The Gillmans, and stole the hearts of millions.

Claim to Fame: A delicious chocolate breakfast food. Where We Last Saw Them: On a cereal box in October. Where Are They Now?: Living in suburban Indiana, The Count now works as a humble dental assistant. In a series of lawsuits, furious American parents—blaming their children’s rising dental bills and America’s obesity epidemic on his product—stripped Chocula of his career and dignity. Scorned, but not yet broken, Chocula continued his crusade for delicious sugary cereals, going as far as publically announcing that his family would start a diet of only his cereal for an entire year to prove its worth. Sadly, in his obsession with reclaiming his fame, his own son lost his life after losing both of his fangs from cavities brought on by the cereal. “I’ve learned my lesson,” The Count said, “I know now the error of my ways, and the deadly power of sugary cereals.”

Claim to Fame: Eating children (seeing a theme here?) Where We Last Saw Them: Battling pissed-off adults in a cave… as a giant spider-creature. Where Are They Now?: After killing an undisclosed number of children in the 1980s, Pennywise the demon clown claims his murdering days are behind him. In a stunning revelation, last year he announced he will run for governor in Maine in the November 2014 elections. “I’ve turned a new leaf,” the clown said in a televised interview, “the fact is, I know what it’s like on the other side and I’ve seen the underbelly of this state. With my help, I know we can turn the great state of Maine around!” He plans to run on a platform of “cleaning the streets,” vowing to rid neighborhoods of the inner-city youths that have really “bastardized America” and “deserve to be eaten for their crimes.”

CURRENT EVENTS PAGE 13 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Michigan Takes Ebola How UMich (Kind of) Saved Our Lives Danielle Jacosalem wrote this

9:00 a.m.: It’s a Sunday morning. The last thing you remember was chugging two-dollar domestics on Thursday night. Sick of your drunken shenanigans, your body threw itself into a Rick Grimes-style coma. Everything’s a little hazy; where is everyone? You leave your room and find your house completely empty… except for one your roommates, Bob. Bob is sitting in the living room, wrapped in blankets with a humidifier and a jug of fizzy, mysterious juice. Wild guess, it’s probably Emergen-C. “Dude, we thought you’d never wake up,” he tells you. “We thought you had it.” He shudders. When you ask him what’s going on, he tells you about the madness that’s unfurled since you shut down on Thursday. Ebola raged through all of the United States. Your four roommates decided to hit the road in search of a safe zone, but drew straws to see who would stay behind and see if you were infected or if you were just drunk. Of

course, your right-hand man Bob drew the short stick and had to stay. When did Ebola become Webola? You don’t know, but you’re glad he stuck around.

You ask him why you guys are heading to Ann Arbor. Maybe U of M’s hospital set up a safe zone and started treating people? He shakes his head.

12:00 p.m.: You and your roommate hit the road, deciding to dress ready for a cross-country journey. It’s a reason to wear that really expensive coat you bought from Moosejaw.

“There’s some weird science shit going on, man. We’re going to the Big House. Anyone in the Michigan Stadium is completely safe—like, no one has gotten sick. The CDC has done some research and apparently it’s not just that Michigan’s football team sucks, it’s actually now physically impossible to catch anything in there. Not a football, and not Ebola.”

“We’ve got to head to the safe zone.” Bob says, hand on the wheel. You ask if you guys are heading to Atlanta, The Walking Dead-style. Just imagine it now; Bob is the Shane to your Rick, and you’re in search of uninfected land. Is it time to finally wear those Timbos for a real, outdoorsy reason? “It hit on Friday morning, and by Saturday all of campus was evacuated.” Bobby explains “People are posted up in hospitals, and they’re setting up quarantine zones all over the US. All we have to do is get to U of M.”

10:00 p.m.: You’re posted up at Michigan Stadium, and there’s a clear division between UMich and MSU students. Apparently, not even biological epidemics can bring the schools together. There’s some hardcore Woodbury vibes going on in the stadium, and barriers are being set up. Is that guy wearing an eye patch, and is he potentially planning on overthrowing the government? Never

You decide to play it cool. You don’t want to get yourself thrown out of the safest place to hide from Ebola, and there’s no way you want to be one of the people with bodily fluids spewing out of both ends. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ebola. Ebola who? E bowl of your bloody intestines. No thanks.

had to pull a Grimes and get the squad fighting off zombies—unless the miracle cure for Ebola causes zombieism, which starts a whole new string of problems. You get to leave Michigan Stadium and head back to the righteous East Lansing. You were kind of starting to feel sick in there, but that’s probably because of the hideous combination of maize and blue. Blech.

Next day, 3:00 p.m.: You’ve gotten the all-clear. According to the CDC, this weekend’s epidemic has been sorted out, making way for the next deadly disease that Americans will inevitably freak out about. Thankfully, you haven’t

You’ll chalk this one up to the Wolverines though, because they did kind of save everyone’s lives. As a gesture of thanks, maybe State can spot them a touchdown or two during the next game.

trust a Wolverine.

Brady Hoke Tries To Capture Sparty, Pees Himself Lauren Masek wrote this

The University of Michigan’s football team arrived on Michigan State University’s campus sweating footballs. They would be playing in front of a stadium full of people, people who didn’t just receive two free tickets with the purchase of a Coke. The Wolverines would be going against their rival and playing for the Paul Bunyan Trophy, something that they had only possessed once in the past 6 years. Ignoring the controversy over his decision to play concussed quarterback Shane Morris and still on a high from narrowly defeating Penn State two weeks ago, Head Coach Brady Hoke came to MSU with determination and a plan to bring his team out of its slump and win that trophy. “If I can’t beat their football team with sheer skill, I’ll have to sabotage their main source of power,” he cackled maniacally. Hoke stood before the Spartan Statue, chowing down on a donut, displeased to find it guarded by members of the Spartan Marching Band. He set down his blue and yellow spray paint as he racked his brain for another idea. He

walked toward Spartan Stadium, brainstorming. Winded from walking more than ten feet, Brady was bent over with his hands on his knees when a commotion caused him to look up; Sparty was leaving the stadium, high-fiving students as he went. It dawned on the coach that Sparty was beloved and everyone on campus would be affected if he were to…disappear. “I must kidnap Sparty,” he wheezed under his breath. Hoke acquired a golf cart, as his little legs couldn’t take that much exercise, to hunt down Sparty. He trailed Sparty at a modest distance but the Greek god-embodiment, hearing the heavy-breathing and smelling Doritos and failure that waft from Brady’s being at all times, began to run, knowing that he could easily overtake the wobbly Wolverine, even on a golf cart. Hoke sped after the Spartan but soon lost him; he found himself circling Spartan Stadium, trying to find the mascot again. He turned a corner and screeched to a halt at the sight before him. “Trying to steal our mascot, Hoke?

Shouldn’t that be beneath you?” Coach Mark Dantonio stood in front of the cart with a disapproving frown set on his model-like face. “Or shouldn’t you be preparing your team for the game?” Hoke’s mouth slacked open, unable to form a coherent thought; Dantonio’s flawless beauty had the Wolverine shaking in his orthopedic shoes. Dantonio continued, “He’s a Spartan, you would have never caught him anyway. Just like none in your defensive line will catch Tony Lippett tomorrow.” He patted Hoke on the shoulder and once he was gone, Brady had realized that he had pissed himself. In his disgrace at failing to kidnap the mascot, being confronted by the coach of the team he was about to face, and peeing himself in front of said coach, Brady Hoke hid in the locker room for the entirety of the MSU v. U of M game, allowing U of M’s cheerleading coach, Pam St. John, take over for him. She at least knew how to win and would be just as effective, if not more. However, MSU won in a landslide victory and put the Paul Bunyan trophy back in its rightful place.

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CLASSIC COSTUME CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Broom not required. 4) Karin from Mean Girls; “I’m a ___, duh!” 5) Put a pacifier in your mouth and call yourself this. 6) Grab an orange sweater from American Apparel, boom, done. 7) Just borrow some stuff from

your mom’s mom and be this. 8) A lady who gets athletes stoked. 9) The teacher of The Magic School Bus, Miss who? 11) The main character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Jack who? 13) Arrrggghhh! 14) Throw a sheet over your head

and call yourself this. 15) Her last name is Morgendorffer, and she’s apathetic towards most everything.

NOW LEASING FOR 2015-2016

ANSWERS

DOWN: 1) Wait, where is he? 2) Aladdin’s love interest. 3) This is, like, so 60s, man. 5) She can be the nature and he can be this guy who make pretty little mistakes (two words). 7) The girls can go as these Girls; Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia. 10) “Is there a naughty lady in this room that I need to punish?” But not a stripper. 12) She’s sexy, and she’ll stick a needle in ya.

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