The Black Sheep
Fr e fr e... l ot ik hi e t ng he fr de om lic Pa iou ul s Bu bac ny on an 's aro lo m in a s.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 11 11/7/12 -11/14/12
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An Ode to Bacon By: Alex Everard
Bacon—a word known to all people on earth A substance immeasurable, in terms of its worth Its taste is divine, its scent always pungent The term “delicious bacon” is simply redundant It was created long ago, when man lived in caves And Wildboarous rex roamed the Earth for days With a spear, a vision, and a hunger most primitive Man created bacon and began to truly live It was cooked with dinosaurs and, of course, their eggs Man first consumed bacon, then walked on two legs Things happened fast, but bacon was there From the wheel to the sea, from the earth to the air The Wright Brothers ate bacon before their first flight Tyson ate bacon before every fight Jordan’s fingers were slick from bacon as he won his sixth ring Bacon is what helps Adele graciously sing But it doesn’t end there, the impact is far greater Armstrong ate bacon inside the Moon’s craters Through good times and bad, bacon’s sustained For our bacon-lust is great and we just can’t refrain Medically speaking, its powers are infinite Did you know the Polio cure had bacon in it? Some may say “Bacon? Bah, not for me” And claim to be happy while still bacon-free To these people we ask, “Have you not lived?” Have you not taken all of what bacon can give? Have you not tasted bacon, fresh cooked and sizzled Placed directly on your tongue and then happened to jizzle? It’s perfectly natural; all baconovours have them Referred to by science as a “cacongasm” Buy nay, do not join us, live life in your own light Because if bacon gets short, you’re one less person to fight Remember the country you live in today And those who fight to eat bacon our way In piles, in heaps, by the truck and the pound The most American act is scarfing bacon down
BaconSex/LoveSounds Add some salty and savory to your sweaty and sticky repertoire.
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Coal turns to diamond, pig turns to bacon If you don’t like this meat your tongue is mistaken It has given us all more than we can measure Picking us up through the stormiest weather
For we have enjoyed the purest form of happiness In fact, we're eating bacon right now as we're drafting this To our fellow friends and baconosseurs, We thank you for recognizing bacon’s allure
When cooking bacon, always wear a shirt To avoid being burned, splattered, and hurt Serving this treat is all up to you Eat it off platters, plates, or you kinky friend’s boobs
And for those who still doubt, well, that’s okay Just remember that bacon will be there one day Bacon is joy, bacon is new beginnings Bacon is salvation for all of your sinning Bacon can be frozen and made into jerky But there’s one thing it’s not! and that’s fucking turkey So only eat true bacon when you choose to indulge And try to ignore that mid-belly bulge Bacon, mankind owes you everything and more Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to go to the store.
The taste is the same; some say it’s a miracle But man’s connection with bacon is deeply spiritual And as we make our breakfast each ‘morn We thank the Bacon Gods we were born
what’s inside
the tale of Johnny Baconseed A story about tasty meat getting spread one munch at a time.
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Iowa: A Bacon safehaven to vikings everywhere
after all these years, iowa is finally starting to show their worth.
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Brotive:
Any reason a guy lists for joining a fraternity. “Dylan’s brotives for rushing were simple: beer and sex.”
Don't worry Toad Stool, you'll find your princess in another castle.
Meet The Staff
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campus managers Ziev Beresh & Justin Gawel
photographer Bailey Paskiewicz
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Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen
owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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bacon sex / love sounds Cody Manthei wrote this Has your sex life recently taken a trip south? Are you or your partner consistently falling asleep in the middle of your poon-sessions, leaving the conscious person feeling like a date rapist? You’re not alone, friend. Many couples battle with boredom in the bedroom, or “cold sheets and cold meats” as the science community calls it. Now, I fancy myself a Dr. Scientician of sorts, and I’d like to tell you about this wonderful new product that could help you and your lover regain that spark. It’s simply called bacon. That’s right, you heard it: bacon. This wondrous elixir is stronger than the most powerful Viagra, ecstasy, and French ticklers combined. So strap yourselves in and hold on, because you’re on a one-way ticket to Cum-lumbus, Bone-hio. Ladies, what gets your guy going more than anything in the world? Yup, you got it, it’s the smell of bacon. When he gets home from a long day at the office, field, or dog track (if that’s his style), have some bacon crackling on the stove. As soon as he smells it, he’ll know something's afoot. Then, right there in the kitchen, get down on your knees to blow him, and blow him good. Blow him like he’s going off to fight in World War I tomorrow and let the sexy Kevin-Bacon-grease dance over the two of you in a majestic fountain as time begins to stand still. After that, every time he smells the devil’s fat a cookin’, he’ll have no choice but to take you to the sack- it’s classical conditioning at its finest. Now don’t confine yourself to the kitchen; bacon works wonders in the bedroom as well. Fellas, when your girl just isn’t in the mood, have some emergency bacon hidden away that you can drape over her naked body. Rub it all over, greasing her up like a loose piglet at the county fair. And if you’re feeling real adventurous, eat a bacon slice out or her bacon slit, delighting her in ways she never thought possible. She’ll be squealing and you’ll be snacking. Eating her out has never tasted so good! It’s also nice to have a container of bacon bits around the room for those moments that you’re feeling spontaneous and don’t have the time to cook up a batch. Make your man lie on his back while you mount him, and, in a climactic burst, throw the bacon bits up in the air and have them rain down on you ala Artemis from Always Sunny. Then, when the
Bacon Bad
Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this
deed is done, you’ll have some post-coital bacon bits to complement your post-coital cigarettes. It doesn’t have to stop there; just get creative. Make some sexy lingerie out of them, fill the bathtub with them, save the meatier bits and make them into a sting of butt-beads, you know, whatever you’re into. The possibilities are endless when you keep some bacon bits on the bedside table. Bacon, you see, is a natural aphrodisiac that releases insane amounts of desire. Some can’t even hear the word “bacon” without feeling a little tingle where they jingle. So the next time you can’t get your partner in the mood, remember the power of the pig. Many have discredited this method saying, “guys, that’s really fucked up.” But they’re just close-minded bigots and prudes. Free yourself, free your mind, and free your sex life all using the awesome power of bacon. As my good friend always says, “I’ll try anything twice.” And with bacon involved, you’ll be having your lover twice a night, if not more.
You’ve just learned that your student loans have been called in. You’re flat broke, and there’s no way you can afford college with a minimum wage job and selling plasma on the side. As you blankly stare at the television, trying to understand why the world is closing in around you while you contemplate the pros and cons of community college, your eyes drift over to a news update on the impending pork crisis. Suddenly, the answer appears to you. The one thing that can solve all of your problems and make you happy, forever: bacon. You call up your roommate, a retired fry cook at IHOP, but he’s unimpressed. “Do you know how hard it is to get good ham these days, man?” he argues. “We’d need so much equipment. Not to mention a distributor, and an entire kitchen. These aren’t just things you can pick up at Sears, yo.” You’re confident though. You’re intelligent. And, most importantly, the allure of the sweet crackling of bacon has already taken its hold on your life. You know that where there’s a demand, there must be a supply. You’re going to cook, dammit. Or die trying. Several days later, you find yourselves driving an RV to the middle of the desert with thirty pounds of frozen bacon beginning to sweat in the heat. Your roommate drags out the propane stove while you start to unwrap the precious packages of meat. As you fire up the grill, you both don gas masks, knowing that one whiff of the heavenly odor of sweet, sweet bacon would send you into a frenzy of bacon lust. One propane tank and thirty pounds of bacon later, you meet your distributor: a rotund, gold-toothed bacon-cartel boss named Tocino. He’s a man known for having a healthy appetite for both violence and your product. You meet him in a junkyard on the east
side of town. After sampling your wares, he asks your name. “Heisenbacon,” you lie. Your girlfriend starts asking questions. Like, why you’re home so late and why you always smell like bacon if you work at a carwash. She doesn’t seem to mind the second part though. The lies are starting to pile up, but you console yourself by remembering that this is all for her benefit. If she knew where the money for the golden jetskis, silk merkins, and diamond lip rings really came from, she’d eat all of your bacon and destroy her perfect figure. After an argument, you just smile, put on your black pork pie hat, and mutter, “You just stay gorgeous, and let me worry about bringing home the bacon.” Several weeks and a few hundred thousand dollars later, you learn that the FDA has raided all of Tocino’s dealers, and before you can flee the country, he hunts you and your roommate down. He’s decided to err on the side of caution and tie up loose-ends, but little does he know, you have the same plan. It’s time to make ends meat. Half an hour later, you drag a bloodstained Tocinoshaped body bag into a shallow grave when your roommate breaks down, and starts whining about how he never signed up to be a murderer. You give him a cold stare, and respond with an emotionless, “Tomorrow we cook. Be ready.” The bacon has changed you. You can now give a halfhour lecture on the difference between Hillshire and Oscar Meyer. You’re sexually aroused by the sound of crackling grease. Your girlfriend has left you, your fish are dead, and your parents are worried. You aren’t thinking about any of that though. The only thing in your mind is concern about the next batch. You know now that there is no right or wrong in this world—only hot, crispy bacon and cold, hard cash.
The Top 10
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Things That Would be better with Bacon Republicans, Democrats, and, of course, fatties can all agree on one thing: every single thing is better with bacon. Even the Sally Salads of the world have decided to add bacon bits to a healthy, green salad (obviously to try to mask the abhorrent vegetable taste). From baby showers to funerals and everything in between: everything on our salty Earth can be enhanced significantly with bacon. Here are ten suggestions for a better world and brighter tomorrow: 10.) Teeth Brushing: A mundane daily task forced on us by moms, girlfriends, and guilt-tripping yet health-conscious mailmen. If they want it so bad why not motivate us with a hearty bacon slice after we’re finished each day? 9.) Funerals: Everyone deserves to be sent off in the best fashion imaginable—even your loser cousin in that cult. Make it meaningful and hand out free bacon at the entrance of every funeral so everyone will be enjoying themselves while they hug awkwardly and pretend to be sad.
The Tale of Johnny Baconseed Hannah Borland wrote this Gather ‘round, young ones, for the tale of a man so determined to change the world, he walked o’er this green Earth for years whilst carrying a large - nay, insurmountable - burden. So singleminded, he was, that decades passed without him imbibing a single fruit, vegetable, or legume, much to the dismay of farmers and health professionals alike. A man with arteries hardened beyond the toughness of steel and body mass index nearing infinity. Yes, children, cock an ear, for it is time for you to learn the tale of the man taxed with introducing this world to bacon. This tale is my own. For I am Johnny Baconseed.
talking about the fatty and greasy happy trail at the north end of John Goodman’s pubes, but rather one day as I carried a twenty-pound sack of soggy meat down the highway. Normally, seeing as how I enjoy the salty treasure that is their flesh, I would be happy to see some pigs. My happiness evaporated when blue and red lights accompanied those pigs. It was a car of cops, suspicious of my burlap sack of gallon Ziploc bags stuffed with an unfamiliar substance. They took me to the station and locked me in a cell the size of the closet Justin Bieber is stuck in.
1982: Dexy's Midnight Runners had just released the song that would, along with the near constant odor of salted pork and homegrown herbs, become the theme of my task. That song was “Come on Eileen.” Just hearing the opening violin takes me back…
“Hey, man, come on! I didn’t do anything!”
“Man.” “Right? At first I was skeptical, but now I’m like, this is that good shit. That smell and that color, man—I had never seen any so dark before.” This was a typical exchange for back then. Teaching people about this hallowed breakfast meat had me in quiet, isolated places. Basements and alleyways, home to my acquaintances first expressing disbelief at this mind-altering magic meat. Seduced by the smell, they flocked to me through the smoke and fog from my constant frying of “the other white meat.” “Keep passing it to the left. Everyone needs their fix, man.” I ordered while pulling more bacon out of the pan to put on a paper plate, and passed it to the table of junkies who were just now coming down from their initial bacon-trip. “Ready for round two; ready to rethink breakfast meats, dudes?” The notion of freeing one’s mind from traditional breakfast meat has me thinking about another shenanigan, which befell me upon this fatty, greasy, and happy trail. And no, I’m not
I called out from my cell, but the only response was the laughter of the man, man. They had confiscated my stash and just as I had collapsed on the floor of my cell in defeat, I smelled a familiar sweetness floating through the air, caressing me and wrapping its meaty embrace around my frazzled brain. As I suspected: the cops had taken my stuff so that they could fry it themselves. Thanks to me, word had gotten around about the satisfying effects of bacon, and people were beginning to question the legality of what amounts to digestible sex. These pigs were dirtier than any I had ever seen on the farm. They were burning fat ones like it was going to warrant an execution. Twelve hours later there were only lean strips left in my bag. The cops, greasy-handed and bleary-eyed from a sodium surge, released me with only the dregs of my previous stash. They were letting me off they said, because, “if everyone ate bacon, there would be no wars.” And so, as “Come on Eileen” played in my head, I walked away from the station to continue my quest for many years to come, often finding myself in many similar situations. It was a hard road, and continues to be difficult as we now face an unprecedented shortage of what was once obscure and enjoyed only by people on the fringes of society. But I shall fry on. Ta loo rye aye!
8.) MSU Football: At Spartan Stadium, President Lou Anna shares her undying wealth by giving us cheap towels. Now, what are we supposed to do with them after the game, sans cleaning up your roommate’s puke/love stains? However, giving everyone a small sheet of bacon would make beating up Northwestern that much sweeter, saltier, and more savory. 7.) Port-a-Potties: Going into a port-a-potty with the slightest hope of not getting an STD is all smoke and mirrors, but dispensing bacon along with that ½ ply toilet paper would make it more bearable. 6.) Classrooms: 8 a.m. classes are never fun and we need more motivation than, “Your learning will reach new horizons during every lecture.” Boring! Give us salty, meaty goodness, and we mean bacon, and maybe we’ll stick around past roll call. 5.) Communion: Now what would best complement booze in church? No, despite common practices, it’s not crippling Catholic guilt. Survey says, number one answer on the board, bacon! Wouldn’t you feel that a fried piece of a pig would wash away more sins than a boring sermon? 4.) Political Debates: Side A kicked someone’s baby and Side B murdered a farm of kittens; we get it, they both suck. Give us our bacon and we’ll actually pretend to pay attention while we spoil our taste buds. 3.) Exams: As we sit in our exams, looking for divine inspiration, we wonder why we procrastinated in our studies. A few strips of bacon would provide a nice retreat from the oncoming slaughter of your future GPA. 2.) Showers: Morning timesavers are a college student’s best friend. If you could munch on a piece of bacon meat while you wash your meat in the shower each morning, you could sleep for an extra, like, five minutes. It’s always a plus to add more meat to you shower and sleep longer, and e don’t just mean showering with more dudes after a long night of “Find the peanut butter.” 1.) Sex: Bacon is one of the few things comparable to sex on this planet. Combine the two into one act and reap the benefits of your meaty, fatty, salty, greasy sex-splosion, complete with both mouth and genital orgasms.
Garrison Rasmussen wrote this
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What’s the most absurd use of bacon? "Bacon ring pops." - Victor U., Junior
"A dress." - Erin K., Fifth-Year Senior
"Bacon flavored coffee." - Jordan E., Freshman
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Iowa: A Bacon Safe Haven to Vikings Everywhere Zoë Kremke wrote this Breaking news has come to our attention here at The Black Sheep, and being the dutiful, hard-hitting reporters that we are, we are now bringing it to you. Shocking as it may sound, the bacon shortage is no longer just an American epidemic—it has gone global. We don’t mean to scare you, but we repeat: the bacon shortage is worldwide. However, don’t fear, because ever the nation of brotherhood, America has reached out to Iceland - the home of the bad guys from D2: The Mighty Ducks, and a country that is unfortunately sharing in our hardship during the world’s pork pauperism. Although America’s bacon shortage outlook is grim to say the least, the bacon crisis in Iceland is rapidly going downhill. Pork production is predicted to fall by a whopping five percent next year, and for all we know things could collapse quickly. And we all know that “pork production” translates to “turning dead pigs into delicious bacon treats for all to yum up” because really, what else would you rather have pork be used for, barbeque pork sandwiches? What a load of crock-pot. When will it stop, Iceland? Isn’t it enough that your people have suffered through Björk’s career? So, please, don’t add a bacon scarcity to this track record, or we might just have to see you at the Geneva Convention for a hearing on your human rights violations. Luckily, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for Americans and Vikings alike. A hiatus to the bacon-madness will come
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for all on February 9, 2013, when 8,000 bacon aficionados will make the pilgrimage to Des Moines, Iowa, where the annual Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival will be held. Being good hosts, Iowa extended an invitation to our Norse comrades, and with that much mouth-meat on the line, how could they not pop open those pink mouths of theirs and say yes? Tickets to this magical, life-affirming event o’ bacon go on sale in November, and the Icelanders are already prepping to lay siege to Des Moines with full force of Odin’s Valhalla army. How could they not? By February who knows how concerned the Icelandic King, or President, or Beowulf will be about the pork shortage, and it’s likely that they will be completely deprived of bacon. However, the Iowa Bacon Board (yes, such glorious council exists) has gone to great lengths this year to make our Icelandic friends feel at home in Des Moines, but the members are keeping mum about what exactly they have in store. With countries across the world, well, mostly Europe (and not really the Islamic or bagel-y countries), running into similar bacon-related woes, the Iowa Bacon Board has received countless inquiries about, well, bacon, we guess. It’s a world bound by fear, but unlike the Cold War this world is bound by the fear of not having enough bacon, not the threat of nuclear apocalypse; both are pretty terrifying though! Hopefully the Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival can serve
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As Americans, no, as bacon lovers, we would like to invite all of you, from across the nation, from around the world, to join in the bacon-fun this February in Des Moines. Make the pilgrimage, make some friends, and pack your mouth with some juicy, pink meat, by which we of course mean bacon, not the “meat” offered at the bottomless strip club by the Des Moines airport.
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DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks $2 Well Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles 6 7 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks 1/2 Off8 Night $3 Bud Lt Platinum DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Juan Trevino DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car $3Bombs White Gummy Bear Shots Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 DJ BIG MIKE $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks The Ice Boxers 3P.M. - 8P.M. BURGER BASH DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.00 – Bombs $1 Burgers $1 Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Dublin Brew Crew from 7-9 Thursday 9pm-Close (excludes top shelf liqours) Coors Light, 23 $2.50 – Pints 20 21 $2 Wells, $222 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 – Call Drinks Miller Lite, Labatt and PBR Drafts $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands $3 Rumple DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints$2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $3 All Drafts $3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks Daniels DJ Minze (Back Bar) Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 Jack Lite, Labatt DJ Beats Blue Light Sunday All Day SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 –Bloody$3 Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints DJ Big Mike DJ Donnie D $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Pints of Pub Dublin Square Irish $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs $3 Domestic Bottles Coors Lt, Miller 327 Abbott Rd Lite, $3.50 Flavored Vodka East Labatt LansingBlue MI 48823 Light 9pm – Close Every Day
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WED, 11/7
Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
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$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 11/8
TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama
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$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 11/9
All Out Saturdays $3 Long Island $2 PBR and Keystone Drafts Late Night French Toast Sticks
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SAT, 11/10
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SUN, 11/11
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WED, 11/14
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bartender of the week brandon crunchy's Nickname: Fluffer
dial her.
Relationship Status: Taken
Rockstar you want to party with: Billy Idol
Boxers or briefs? Boxer briefs Favorite sex position: Alabama crab dangler Best pick up line: “Daddy’s home.” Parties or bars: Bars Do you make any drinks with bacon: No, but I’ve had bacon flavored vodka. Who’s the worst person you’ve drunk dialed: We tried to get Oprah’s phone number and drunk
the drinking game
Wizard Duels Sometimes drinking can give you the illusion that you have magical powers. However, what’s the point of having magic powers if you don’t get to carry around a big-ass wizard staff? What You’ll Need: Beer and tape. Number of Players: At least two. Level of Intoxication: If you’re going for “Gandalf the White” status, then you’ll get pretty smashed. How to Play: - Find a partner or group of people and get a case of beer to share. - Put on some rap music and begin drinking the beer. - Once you finish two beers, tape them together at the ends. - Attach each subsequent empty beer to the end of your new wizard staff. - After every five beers you “battle the Balrog,” which means you take a shot. - Once you run out of beer, or are not brave enough to continue drinking, pick a partner and duel with them using your staff. We know wizards do not typically have sword fights with their staffs, but it must happen sometimes, right? The Game Ends When: Once the duel has a decisive victor, the winner is awarded another beer. The loser also gets a beer for a consolation prize. With The Hobbit about to hit theaters in just above a month’s time, it would be a good idea to practice your wizard staffing now. It is also just a good skill to have. You never know when a dragon is gonna threaten your fellowship.
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Describe your typical customer: Craft beer enthusiast. Favorite drunk food: Pizza Personal theme song: “Superfly” by Curtis Mayfield Favorite shot: Darth Vader Bomb: 1/2 shot of Crown Royal Black, 1/2 shot of amaretto, dropped into a pint of stout. Bar pet peeve: (quote me on this one) “Hey, buddy.” *snaps fingers*
Recipe for Disaster
Pizza Ramen Ramen and pizza are quite literally the only things that our editor ever eats. This is not uncommon for a college student, however. Ramen is really the only thing you need; pizza is just for special occasions, like NBA games and drunk splurging. What You’ll Need: Prego pasta sauce, sausage, mozzarella, pizza crust, pepperoni, and Ramen noodles. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: More sodium than you can possibly fathom. Let’s Get Baked: - Boil up some water and toss in the Ramen to cook. - Either grill the sausages or cook them in a pan on a stove top. - Heat up the Prego on the stove. Place cooked Ramen and sausage into the sauce and mix. - Spread the mixture onto the pizza crust (which is even better if you warm it in the microwave first) and top with mozzarella and pepperoni. - Go be poor some more. If this recipe was any more “college” it would have beer and cigarettes in it. The great thing about ramen is that it goes with almost anything. Don’t be afraid to get crafty and throw some weed in it or something. The world is your oyster.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
ou y n a c y a Os ? e i v o m s i see th
In honor of Veteran’s Day, and just because we generally love America more than any other publication on the planet, we went ahead and reviewed four upcoming movies that will bring out the patriot in you. If you don’t leave the theater chanting “USA!” after these movies, then you can see yourself to Canada, friend-o. By: Brendan and Quinn
Lincoln: Nov. 16
Django Unchained: Dec. 25
Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t a stranger to taking on powerful American motifs (There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, The Crucible, etc.), so expect nothing short of greatness as he takes on Honest Abe in the twilight of his presidency. Steven Spielberg focuses the film on Lincoln’s struggles to unite the country and permanently end slavery with the Thirteenth Amendment.
Where Lincoln focuses on some boring white bureaucrats looking to reunite a divided America through the guise of ending slavery, Django Unchained promises no such thing. Quentin Tarantino’s latest is a western that sees a recently-freed slave and his bounty hunter buddy searching for Django’s enslaved wife, Broomhilda.
Since the film focuses on latter-day Lincoln, Day-Lewis won’t be shirtlessly wrestling townboys or chopping down wood. Don’t worry, you’ll still get a nice American pride-boner in watching a vehement president willing his country forward despite a drastically (and literally) dichotomous nation. Such is a boner we just don’t get very often these days. But, much like Pursuit of Happyness provided a peppering of “the American Dream is still real” for down-and-out viewers, and Jurassic Park gave hope to disenfranchised dinosaur enthusiasts - Lincoln will hopefully inebriate the American people into hoping a divided nation can move forward as a union and that legislators would realize a house divided against itself really won’t stand. We’ll also in-
evitably yearn for a time when we could have a president whose debatable religious affiliation and beard wouldn’t instantly draw months of media coverage and “terrorist” accusations. Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: Here stepped out upon the world’s stage now with the fate of human dignity upon our hands. Blood’s been spilled to afford us this moment.
Red Dawn: Nov. 21
Unless, of course, the movie was shot with China as the bad guys, and last-minute changes were made because money is more important than artistic integrity. Uh huh, in post-production the bad dudes were changed to North Koreans even though,
Beyond that, the trademark Tarantino stylization mimics the way we choose to view those early American documents we hold so sacred. A black slave named Broomhilda Von Shaft? Only possible in a Tarantino flick, much the same way we conveniently look past the inherent racism in those early documents. Freedom of speech (for white
Twilight: Breaking Part 2: Nov. 16
This fall we’ll be treated to the rehashing of a 1984 movie that frames the Cold War versus the Soviets in a way that romanticizes revolt in the face of Communist conquest. This 2012 flick paints the evil-but-inept North Koreans as invaders of Washington, the state. Oh America, land of the paranoid and home of the almighty dollar. Since the days of Alexander Hamilton the United States has always been concerned with her positioning on the world’s stage. This movie calls out to these fears because really, North Korea, a country swept by famine and sporting a paper tiger military is going to somehow launch a secret invasion on American that we couldn’t repel in like…10 minutes. Unless…
This movie is nothing less than a bloodspattered Declaration of Independence. Life? Well, by default everyone in this movie is alive (for part of it). Liberty? It’s a film featuring a freed slave hunting down his wife so she too can ascend beyond the shackles of bondage. The pursuit of happiness? Uh, getting laid and killing slave owners should make most anyone grin ear-to-ear.
people). Freedom to elect leaders (for white people). Freedom to bear arms (for white people). Freedom to enjoy Django Unchained outside of historical context (for everyone). Our Favorite Trailer Quote: Kill white people and they pay you for it? What’s not to like?
Dawn
If you’re thinking, “Wait, the last three movies were like, super American, and this isn’t American at all,” it’s because you’re a typical American, looking to be spoon-fed easily-digestible content.
again, an attack by them would result in the swift and total annihilation of anything sporting a PRK logo. Do you smell that? It’s not napalm, it’s money. Our Favorite Trailer Quote: We inherited our freedom, now it’s up to all of us to fight for it.
And that’s what makes the final installment of Twilight American. It spoon-feeds easily digestible content to the greatest demographic on the planet: teenage girls. None but the entertainment powerhouse that is America could churn out four vampirethemed romance novels at a fourth grade reading level, then turn those four shitty books into five shitty movies that make upwards of $700,000,000 each. EACH! Nothing is more American than profiting off of young girls’ emotions, cramming it down the rest of the world’s throat, and distracting us from harsh, difficult realities with an easy to argue Team Jacob vs. Team Edward debate. As you leave the theater, nothing should make you more proud than knowing
that that theatric abortion is one of the stabilizing forces in the failing global economy. USA! USA! USA! Our Favorite Trailer-Quote: So beautiful... we are the same temperature now.
the interview
AWOLNATION
We caught up with Aaron Bruno, the founder and front man of the electric rock band AWOLNATION. Their latest album Megalithic Symphony was released in March 2011 and is available on iTunes. He was nice. By Michael McSherry The Black Sheep: So let’s hear a little bit about how the tour is going so far. What are some of the best and worst things about it? Aaron: The best part is getting to travel around the country – we’re selling out almost all of our shows, and it’s a huge accomplishment to be the band that gets to headline. The hard work paid off. We had to build it from scratch, and we were so different from anything else when we started. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s very flattering and humbling to see the fruit of your labor. And the worst part about this tour, well, it’s not easy to maneuver around like I used to be able to. I can’t just walk out into the crowd and watch the other bands that I’ve become friends with. I can’t just wander around the vicinity of the venue. TBS: Well, AWOLNATION has been very well received in a relatively short amount of time since its founding a few years back. Megalithic Symphony has gone platinum in the United States and double platinum in Canada. Millions of people are hearing you on their TVs and online. With all this going on, where do you see AWOL going from here? Any big plans on the horizon? Aaron: I try not to see too far. I try to think of what’s the next goal, what’s the next thing I have control of. It seems like the ball is rolling; it’s a machine that’s got a lot of life left in itself (laughs). So I try to focus on the new songs I’m writing, getting excited about the new stuff and pushing myself and the listeners into new and uncharted waters. Hopefully the listener and I can grow together. TBS: AWOLNATION is your brainchild. Let’s hear about how you got the whole project started. Aaron: I never really “started” the band; it was already happening, if that makes sense. I’ve always been writing these songs, and with my previous bands it was always collaboration, so I figured if we ever wanted to do something solo I’d have some songs to put into it. When my last band broke up, I had all of these songs I’d written so I figured great, I’ll record them. For me, writing is something that I can’t stop doing, and if you’re really passionate about something, it never really goes away. When it came together, I called it AWOLNATION, something I had in my back pocket for a while. TBS: What’s the strangest thing that’s happened so far on this tour? Aaron: Countless things, but the thing that really stuck with me was at our first show on the concert. We were in Philadelphia and it was a free outdoor concert, so about seven thousand people showed up. It poured rain, right after Imagine Dragons played, so you know, perfect timing of course (laughs). So it got delayed maybe forty-five minutes while it was raining, and we figured everybody would just pack up and go home. We were going to play no matter what, even if only two people stuck around, because that’s what you do. But when we got out there, it seemed like nobody had even left. People were soaked, crowd-surfing, and it was beautiful. Then, out of nowhere, a bride and groom just showed up on stage. They must have walked right out of their reception to grab a cigarette or something, but they were up there on stage with us. So we’re playing this sort of dirty, grimy, epic show, and then you see a bride in all white. And it was just so absurd to see, and I’m still not sure what to think about it. TBS: Last question… Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj. One joins your group, one covers your songs, and one loses their voice. You choose. Aaron: Did you just say Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Nicki Minaj? (Pauses) This is difficult, so thank you for that . I’m not particularly fond of any of them… I guess I would say I’d want Nicki Minaj to join the band. Miley Cyrus has got to lose her voice. Justin Bieber can cover us—he would reach the most ears at least. I’m going to have to ask everybody else what they think.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Lincoln in theaters november 9
Abraham Lincoln is all the rage these days (hunting vampires and what not), but this film is a bit different than that. Directed by Steven Spielberg, Daniel Day-Lewis stars as the 16th U.S. president as the film focuses on his crazy final months in office. Also starring Tommy Lee Jones and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this movie validates anyone who has two last names.
breaking amish Sunday, November 11 at 9pm on TLC
This riveting show follows Amish teens battling with the decision to stay with their Amish culture and family, or to bust on out to get drunk in New York City. In the season finale, secrets are revealed, tempers flare, and Abe and Rebecca realize planning a wedding is hella hard. Not as hard as milking a cow and not using electricity, but still pretty damn hard.
Crystal castles - iii Out November 13
If you think Crystal Castles is so 2010, think again. Alice Glass and Co. are back with their third album, addressing the theme of oppression, which includes album art of an award-winning photo of a mother and son who were teargassed in Yemen last October. If that doesn't scream party, then meta electronic beats, diverse sounds and Glass screaming her face off should.
the riddle
Can you figure out this riddle? Do you know the answer to said riddle? Wow, really!? Well, send your answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win something sweet!
the classtime
rappers and their lyrics Across 2) It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine 6) With so much drama in the LBC, it’s kinda hard bein’ ____ 8) Fake shoes, that’s that shit I don’t like 9) I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one 10) Black and yellow, black and yellow 14) See Caroline, all the guys would say she’s mighty fine 16) ‘Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health 17) Move, bitch, get out the way 18) You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime 20) Ten, ten, ten twenties on ya titties, bitch
king, so that’s why you’re my highness. 5) Kick, push. Kick, push. 7) ___ ain’t nothin’ to f*ck with. 11) Today, I didn’t even have to use my A.K. I got to say, it was a good day. 12) To all, skeet, skeet, motherf*cker! All, skeet, skeet, god damn. 13) I do suicides on the private jet, you know what that means? I’m fly to death. 15) Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit. 19) I don’t hate players, I don’t love the game. I’m the shot clock, way above the game.
Down 1) So I pick the world up and I’ma drop it on your f*ckin’ head 3) That’s just the way it is, things’ll never be the same, that’s just the way it is 4) Now baby you’re the truth, so I’m just being honest. You treat me like a
Answers
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