Volume 11
The Black Sheep
F Hal ree! Li low ke T een oot ... t sie R hey o suc lls aft k, a er mir ite?
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 11
SHOULD YOU BE A CAT FOR HALLOWEEN? A BASIC GUIDE You’ve been to a couple Halloween parties this year, and things have been great. That Despicable Me minion outfit showed the world how a large amount of creativity and a small amount of clothes can make you the center of attention at any Halloween event. You’ve experienced many hauntings, hayrides, and horse cops, but now it’s week two of Halloween and your ideas for themed attire are growing thin. We know the “classic” cat costume is tempting, but don’t rush to any clichéd, uninspired decisions just yet. Here’s The Black Sheep’s criteria on whether or not a cat costume is what you’re looking for as apparel in the coming Halloween weekends.
WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF AS A CAT PERSON?
If you really love cats, then this costume may be for you. It may show the world that you’re adorable and soft, but at the same time cunning and perfectly willing to stab your closest friends in the back if they step on your tail. Everyone understands your affinity for your cute companion, and nobody’s accusing you of being a crazy cat lady just yet.
ARE YOU BEING JUST A CAT, AND NOT SOMEONE LIKE THE CAT IN THE HAT?
Think of all the famous cats out there that you could be with just a few more materials: the Cat in the Hat, Garfield, Puss in Boots. Hell, even Professor McGonagall
Albert Maclin wrote this fits into this category. Before you settle on the generic ears and tail, remember that you’ve passed up on representing some of the most prominent pussies of the age.
ARE YOU REALLY, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, COMPLETELY OUT OF COSTUME IDEAS?
Everyone is expecting the people who are too lazy to come up with something on their own to show up to the party dressed as a cat. Are you satisfied with being that person? If you’re really going to follow through with this, you have to really commit. You’ll have to spend the night eating Meow Mix and drinking milk—or the blood of your enemies. If you don’t think you can live up to the feline name, try another easy classic costume, like a ghost, a cowgirl, or Hillary Clinton. A manly pantsuit and a fierce haircut is all you need. Boys may possibly hit on a slutty secretary. No man, however, can resist a sexy ex-Secretary of State.
ARE YOU A CATTY BITCH?
You’ve committed to your part, so you’re going to have to fit your personality to the costume. Cats are known for being solitary, temperamental, and selfabsorbed. We’re not asking you to be like a resident of Ann Arbor, but a devious and ruthless personality will broadcast to your peers that your black cat costume is perfectly fitting, and that bad luck will befall them if they think otherwise.
PAGE 5 TOP 10: EAST LANSING COP POWER RANKINGS HORSE COPS SHOCKINGLY DON’T MAKE IT TO #1.
WILL THIS COSTUME INVOLVE CAT EARS?
A cat costume’s success is directly proportional to the amount of clothes not worn with it. You’ve already discarded your hopes of preserving your self-image by dressing as a cat, so don’t stress too
much if you’re not sure about wearing just a bandeau and a short skirt with cat ears. An ideal college Halloween cat costume would be black lingerie and cat ears without the cat ears. Just something to consider.
If you can confidently answer yes to all of these questions, then you’re prepared to dress as a feline night prowler. Unoriginality aside, you truly are an independent soul, and your costume choice reflects it well.
PAGE 7
PAGE 12
WHITE GIRL TRAGEDY
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: JIMMY PARDO
A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE (NO GOOD, VERY MEDIOCRE) DAY. TEAR.
OUR CHAT WITH THE “COMIC’S COMIC.”
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU OCTOBER 30th, 2014 - NOVEMBER 6th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
THE MAN OF THE VESTS
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Just wait until you see my Halloween costume.”
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
QWERKEE A descriptor of anything intentionally misspelled.
Pam thought it would be qwerkee to end all her emails with “hugz n kizzez.” It was annoying.
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
A native of Milan, Italy.
2
Founder of Royal Treatment, a high-end grooming line for pets.
3
Is a prince.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_MSU
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What fictional character would make the best lover? RACHEL “Jay Gatsby because he’s Jay Gatsby.”
CHRIS
“Mr. Fantastic because he can morph into any shape you want.”
CONNOR
“Genie from Aladdin because he has huge hands.”
06
THE FUTURE
Whore-O-Scopes Halie Woody wrote this
Whether you’re a closeted whore or you’re loud and proud about dickin’ around, the universe is here to forecast just how slutty your month will be. For some, the stars hold enchanting news filled with lots of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. Others are not in for such a thrill. Find your sign and read below to see how sexy your month will be.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Pay close attention to the moon this week, because after an eclipse you should expect to get double-penetrated by two lucky fellas. The solar system is playing in favor of your whoreish lifestyle this month, so stay in tune with the moon and get lubed up because you’re in for a long, rock-hard month, Gemini girl. Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Don’t misconstrue that burning sensation you’ve had all week as a fiery passion about your career. Rather, that’s just the herpes you’ve contracted. The countless number of times you’ve been banging the sweaty bouncer from Harper’s is finally backfiring on you. Was free cover really worth it now? You should spend the rest of your month reflecting on your poor decisions. Leo (July 23 - August 22): There is a light at the end of the penis tunnel that you’ve been riding along, because you will be getting a call back from the position you applied for at Déjà Vu. You can finally give up your lame, boring job at the library and pursue something you’re passionate about, like twerking and getting showered in hunnits.
East Lansing Cop Power Rankings There’s a lot of confusion regarding cops in East Lansing. Who reports to whom? Which cops actually have authority? Which ones are just straight assholes? Let’s start with the basics: which cops deserve the most respect and strike the most fear in students? The Black Sheep has composed a comprehensive list of ELPD’s finest, listing them from the most intimidating all the way to, well, PACE. 10.) Female Cop: Lady officers do not mess around. They’re the perfect mix of feminism, repressed anger, and that teacher you had in middle school who was a giant bitch, scared you, but also weirdly turned you on. Do not mess with these ferocious females.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): This month could get sketchy for you, Aries girl, because you might be preggo! After a couple of benders at Rick’s, you’ve managed to get dicked down by a record 10 guys in just four days. Pretty impressive to have pulled off such a slutty feat, but now it’s time to figure out if an abortion is in the stars for you. Let’s be real, you’re in no shape to raise a child! Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Drama ensues for you this month after you accidentally send your nudes to your dad instead of the fuck buddy whom you call “daddy.” Expect to get a call from your parents.
THE TOP TEN
9.) Motorcycle Cop: These cops had to have learned how to ride a motorcycle somewhere, and until we can prove that it wasn’t from doing undercover work trying to infiltrate the Hell’s Angels, we’re going to play it straight with these guys. They’ve probably seen -- and done -- some scary shit. 8.) Bomb-Sniffing Dog: As the leaders of the K9 unit, these respectable canines provide the community not only with a valuable resource, but also an aesthetically-pleasing police force. Whether or not these dogs are actually needed in East Lansing is another debate, but they’re the real deal regardless. Keep on sniffin’, bomb dogs. 7.) Cop with a Car: They obviously must have done something to be rewarded with a car, but it can’t have been that impressive if they’re still on the streets being sticklers about everyone going five miles per hour over the speed limit. 6.) Bruce the Horse Cop’s Horse: You thought that the cops who ride these majestic creatures were in charge? The Black Sheep is here to enlighten you. The horses hold all the power. Plus they attract more drunken white girls than a 24-hour Chipotle. You see a simple police horse, drunk white girls see the closest thing they’ll get to petting a unicorn. Virgo (August 23 - September 22): A trip to the hospital can be seen in your future as a result of sucking one too many meat sticks. The diagnosis this month is lockjaw. You need to start taking a much more gentle approach to blowies to avoid this situation. Hope you have health insurance! Libra (September 23 - October 22): You will run into money troubles this month after you get fired from your current place of employment for having sex with all of the employees. You’ve got bills to pay, and time is of the essence, so you’re going to have to head back to the streets and sell your body to get by. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): It’s your lucky month, Scorpio woman! Not only will you pass your AIDS examination, but you’ve also been nominated by PornHub as one of the finalists in the Dorm Room Porno Challenge. You’re destined for cum-tastic future. Move over Jenna Jameson! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 22): If you’ve been feeling burdened by the uncertainty of not knowing who your baby-daddy is, it may be time to schedule an interview on Maury. It’s time
you set yourself free from the unknown and take that paternity test. Let’s just hope it’s not your best friend’s boyfriend’s little spawn! Capricorn (December 22 -January 19): Rumors will be flooding the air after an archenemy walks in on you getting railed up the butt with your ISP professor. You will have to emotionally prepare to sit down with the school board and attempt to justify sleeping with your 73-yearold geology teacher. Good luck.
5.) Actual Horse Cop: These guys are the middle of the road when it comes to cops and respecting authority They look kind of badass because they tower over everyone and just seem so regal, but think about it; they’re nothing more than bike cops who’ve graduated to bigger and better things. 4.) Bike Cop: These guys are just hardasses without power. Most just got out of the police academy and think they’re all-powerful now that they’re technically police officers. Their future is to fail the detective’s exam. We know it and they know it, so they’re already angry about it.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): You will find yourself having an orgy with a group of people from your study session. What started as a normal review before the exam escalates to a slam-sesh after you convince everyone to take ecstasy rather than study. Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Relationship problems are in the works for you once your boyfriend discovers the nudes you’ve been sending his twin brother and his dad. This level of whoreishness is something that can only be mastered by the greatest of whores, so mad props to you. We recommended that you flee the country.
3.) Drug-Sniffing Dog: Really? You need a dog to figure out if that freshman has weed on him? Look at him, his eyes are bloodshot and he can’t stop staring at the Taco Bell across the street; of course he’s got weed on him. These dogs are just the ones who would much rather get stoned than sniff out gunpowder, doing something that would actually help society. 2.) Paul Blart Mall Cop: These aren’t real cops, and they’re not actually named Paul Blart (actually they probably are, but they’re mall cops so who cares?), so they don’t really belong on this list. We put them here solely to showcase how little respect the true last place in the Cop Power Rankings has. 1.) PACE: Fucking PACE. Baer Woods wrote this
PAGE 6 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
SORRY, NOT SORRY
LIVING ROCK CHRISTIAN MEN’S CO-OP GOES HARDER THAN YOU Justin Sienkowski wrote this
The following is a message from the guys at Living Rock Christian Men’s Co-Op: Do you think Jesus is one pretty dope dude? Do you always chug a little extra wine whenever you go to church? Is that Bible study just not quite hardcore enough for you? If so, Living Rock Christian Men’s CoOp might just be what you’re looking for! Many of you may know us solely as the dudes who hand out free hot dogs at our house, but Living Rock is so much more than that. To be honest, we just do that to pick up chicks; find a Mary for our Joseph, if ya catch my drift. Located on the corner of Grand River and Orchard, Living Rock is the most trill place to live by far. Greek life? Weak shit, bro. Middle East life is more like it. We are a house full of dedicated believers in the original bro, the master of flow; that’s right, the superstar Jesus Christ himself. It’s all about praying rosaries and downing forties here at Living Rock. Unlike other group housing options here at MSU, such as the Sigma Chi sissies down the street, we don’t mess around. Oh, you built a giant wooden bench? Look around you bro, God made all this shizznit. Every day here at Living Rock is a celebration of the life that God has given us, and we live it to the fullest. As it stated in passage John 5:16 of the Bible, ”you only live once, that’s the motto. And we about it every day, every day, every day.” In honor of that, we congregate
every evening for supper, where we bless the day-old Jimmy John’s bread and down a box of Chillable Red Franzia each. Bet you didn’t know you were drinking the blood of Christ all those weekends, did ya? Being part of Living Rock means being part of the most badass sons of God around since the Apostles. All members of Living Rock are required to get a brand of our official house logo, none other than the cross itself. This way, when we hit up whatever unlucky bar we rabble rouse through after Bible study, they’ll know we are Christians. We invite you to attend our first event of the semester: The Sabbath Social. Get here by 7 a.m. so we can pre-game before we stumble our way over to Sunday mass. After some good time belting out and dancing to all of your favorite hymns, make sure to hit up the after party in the reception hall. Food and bottle service will be covered. What better way to end this glorious day of praising our Lord and Savior, you ask? With a bona fide Sabbath Smoke Out. Get ready to take mad bong rips for Jesus; it is the day of rest after all. Don’t even bother showing your heretic ass up if you finna be a wuss. Remember Jesus fell three times carrying the cross on the way to his death, and you’re telling me you can’t even puke and rally once? If you think you have what it takes to hang with the big man upstairs, then come stop by the house and see firsthand what we’re all about. And remember kids, pray hard, but play harder.
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AROUND CAMPUS
Uncle Waz wrote this Kristen Schott, a local white girl at MSU, was your standard white girl: Uggs, leggings, a giant wool hat in mild heat, and a knack for stylish mochas and lattes. Given the time of year, Schott was in her prime. Pumpkin Spice Lattes were perpetually grasped within her delicate fingers and “#fall” graced her Instagram every time she had a good view while crossing the bridge at Bogue Street. Schott had geared up for her exam with her scarf around her neck, just in case the sun and 70-degree warm air was a farce. Schott was walking to class when tragedy befell her personal kingdom. As she was traversing to the Business Complex, tweeting about the changing of the leaves, her Ugg caught a break in the sidewalk and her phone slipped from her grasp. She watched in horror as it plunged into the depths of the mud puddle below. Desperation clung to Schott’s face and
she dove into the puddle, hoping that life would still be clinging to her phone the same way she clung to her mug of pumpkin excrement. Alas, as her phone faded away, it flashed a peace sign with duck lips, captioned “gotta die, XOXO!” To cope with the pain of not being able to Snapchat her bestie, she marched to Starbucks and took a fresh swig of PSL. As her steaming-hot brew was handed to her, she noted that the name on her Venti was Kristina, not Kristen. A single tear trickled down her face. “Do you even care about me?!” she screamed as she downed her steaming hot beverage in two hearty glugs, throwing the empty cup at the barista. “It’s okay, girly,” Kristen calmly told herself, “you just have to go in, tear it up on this exam, and then go to the Apple Store.” Regaining a bit of her confidence, she proceeded to walk into the lecture hall. As she walked past the first lectern on the way to her seat, the lectern snagged her legging, making a
small tear and exposing a part of her calf. “Does anyone in the world have it nearly as bad as I do?” lamented Kristen. She shook it off as best she could (just as Taylor Swift told her to), and started her exam. She made it through three questions before shouting to the gods that it was not fair that these weren’t on the study guide. The proctor grew frustrated with her yelling and threw her out for causing such a distraction. Kristen fumed as she stormed out of the hall. She hurried back to the Starbucks and purchased another latte of the pumpkin spice variety. The cup had the name “Krysteen” written on it, “my name is Kristen, you ignorant slut!” screamed Schott. It wasn’t her fault the barista was incompetent. After finishing her drink, 72 ounces of hearty fluids flowing through her body, Kristen had had it with everything. She stumbled out of the Business Complex, experiencing blurred vision due to having about the same amount of sugar and caffeine in
her body as an entire dark chocolate pizza. “I don’t need anyone’s help!” she stuttered out, although no one had even made an advance to steady her. Schott walked toward SnyPhi to get a bite to eat, but as she sat down with her custom-made salad, she recalled that her iPhone was unavailable to allow her to share her meal with the world. She walked up to the coffee stand in the cafeteria, and as she took one last swig
of her heavily creamed French roast, she tripped and passed out on the floor, backpack spraying unused notebooks and worksheets everywhere. “I clearly went a little too hard yesterday,” reflected Schott to The Black Sheep the next day, still caressing her empty Starbucks mug, “but what was I to do in my situation? I just… couldn’t even… even if I tried.”
PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
WHITE GIRL TRAGEDY: A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE (NO GOOD, VERY MEDIOCRE) DAY
NEW THIS FALL! • Mac n’ Cheese Bites • Mozzarella Stix • Onion Rings
MENNASJOINT.COM
115 ALBERT AVE. • 517-351-DUBS 790 S. HAGADORN RD. • 517-324-DUBS
THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY NIGHT Starts with $1 Drafts til 11 NO COVER til 11
Monday-Friday ‘til 4:30pm: Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Sandwich, Fries & Pop $5.99 Happy Hour ‘til 7pm: Wells $1.75 and Mugs of Beer $0.75 off
Game Day Specials: During Lions/MSU/Wings/Tigers $2 Domestics and $1.50 Off MI Crafts, 1/2 Off Small Plates
Thursday 10/30
Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly
Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close
Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates
Friday 10/31
DJ Brian Dawe from Master of the Mix on VH1 $1 Drafts 10-11, $3.50 Pints, $3.50 Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas
Nachos and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $5 25oz Long Islands
Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray
HALLOWEEN PARTY! DJs @ 9 $3.50 Pints $3.50 Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas
Saturday 11/1
Closed for Private Party
$2 Tailgate Specials MSU Home Football Games ‘til kickoff 3 Buckets for $35 (1 Bucket Beer, 2 Buckets Food)
Open for Lunch! SundayWednesday 11:30am-Midnight Thursday-Saturday 11:30am-2am
HALLOWEEN PARTY II $3.50 Calls & Fireball Shots DJS 9 til Close GO GREEN!
Sunday 11/2
Available for Sorority & Fraternity Private Parties Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040
1/2 Large Pizzas All Day 1/2 off (most) Drinks 8pm ‘til close
Follow us on Twitter @front43pub
Monday 11/3
Available for Student Group Private Parties Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040
1/4 lb. Cheeseburger $3.29 $2 Mugs of Miller Lite 1/2 off drinks for Hospitality Employees
Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray
$5 MOO & BREW (Burger & Beer) HALF OFF Pints $2.25 $3 Long Islands NO COVER
Tuesday 11/4
Available for Fundraisers Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040
Sporcle Live Trivia! 7-8pm and 8-9pm $1 off Burritos, Nachos and Taco Plate, Tequila specials and $2.75 Corona and Dos XX
Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray
TWO DOLLA TUESDAY $2 Drinks, Pints & Bottle Beers
Wednesday 11/5
Available for Private Parties & Celebrations Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040
Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Special ALL DAY! Live Music presented by Fusion Shows at 10pm! $0.75 off Mugs of Craft Beer, $2 Mugs of Labatt
Ladies Night 4-11pm; $3 glass/$9 bottle of wine, 1/2 off apps for ladies | Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray
Thursday 11/6
Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly
Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close
Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates
THURSDAY NIGHT THE BEST SPECIALS IN TOWN NO COVER 10 TIL CLOSE HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10
Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries & Salads $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Islands, $3 Doubles & All Shots, DJs from 2 til Close, NO COVER 10 - CLOSE
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ALL DAY – ALL NIGHT Karaoke @ 9, NO COVER
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HALF OFF WEDNESDAY!
Your Choice of Beer Plus: Wings $3.98, Burger $4.98, Pizza $5.48 Caesar Salad & Long Island $5.98 Jerry Sprague @ 6, DJs @ 10
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Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries & Salads $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Islands, $3 Doubles & All Shots, DJs from 2 til Close, NO COVER 10 - CLOSE
NOW LEASING FOR 2015-2016 (517) 481-3048 chandlercrossings.com 10x2.indd 1
9/16/2014 2:56:24 PM
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THE BAR GRID
EAST LANSING
21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10
MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer
Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer
Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers
THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers
Eat Drink and be SCARY! Costume Contest!
Sun-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers
$3.75 Captain Morgans $3.75 All Flavored Vodkas $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots
Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-yourown Bloody Mary Bar | Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers
Closed for NFL Football! Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer
Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer
Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers
CRAFT DRAFT
SHOTS
Happy Hour Specials: SATURDAY: CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer$2.50 Domestic Bottles Schnapps 4 $0.50 Beer, $4.50 Long Specials Run Monday (Bellair, MI) $5 $2.50 14oz Domestic Drafts Watermelon Schnapps, 5 JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Sunday All DayRed&Bull, Night! Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3.50 22oz Domestic Drafts TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American (2pm-8pm) IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball 4 $2.50 Well Drinks BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier (Colorado) $5
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) GUINNESS - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider $2 Wells (6-11PM) (Massachusetts)
JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells,
BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 $3 MicrobrewJAGER Shorts $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $5 and Brew 7 PATRON $3.50 Beef Schawarma SandBurger Special! wiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, Happy Hour 3-7
ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA (Grand Rapids, MI) $4
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% $2 Wells (6-11PM) hefeweizen (Germany) $5
SPECIAL NIGHT
HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS - SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% American IPA (Bellair, MI)
Fireball, Bacardi MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, $6 Chicken Schawarma
Salads
151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8
Happy Halloween Specials!
$3 Blue Moon Shorts $2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple $4 Captain Morgan $3 $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, Schapps, Cranberry 5 $2 Washington Apple Shots, $3 Johnny Vegas CIROC BOMB - 6 Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Happy Hour 3-7 Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5
Friday 10/31
HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist 5
JAMESON - 5
LAGUNITAS - American IPA |Long 6.20% ABV California, $3 Bells Two Hearted $0.50 Beer, $4.50 United States $5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3 Jack CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER (2pm-8pm) $3 Fireball CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5
Happy Halloween Specials! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees
COCKTAILS
MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV Wisconsin, United States $3
Thursday 10/30
Saturday 11/1
BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints,
MOJITO -Bacardi juice, mint leaves, MASTER $3 Rum, 16oz,lime Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV $3 Pearl Bloody Marys simple syrup, club soda $6 7 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Sunday 1/2 Off Day! Missouri, United States $3 and Screwdrivers Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, 6pm - 10pm LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite the rocks 6 $5 OffonKabob Combos For Two Happy Hour All Day! Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3
& $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
Sunday 11/2
STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots
$2 Domestic (6-11PM) AMSTEL LIGHTDrafts 4 BUD LIGHT $2 Wells33(6-11PM) BUDWEISER
$2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles $2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)
$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands
BEER BOTTLES
BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM) Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints
ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don Julio, Grand Marnier, $2 Domestic Bottles, $3
Premium/
lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder 9 $5 Bud Light, Coors Light Micro/Craft Bottles, $4 Featured BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored$2.50 Vodka,orange Martinis, Glasses of House and Miller Lite CARRIE Pitchers liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Happy Hour 3 - 7
Falafurger Combo
Monday 11/3
TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8
$3- Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles Grey Goose, dry MARTINI ON THE ROCKS and 8Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Vermouth, bitters, lemon peel
$3 Angry Orchard Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6Mai Tai's, WHISKEY SOUR - CrownWines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Happy Hour All Day! $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, 7 $3 Off Select Appetizers
ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors
Tuesday 11/4
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian
MARTINIS
Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $2.75 Corona, Corona Light $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, and Dos Equis $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our GUMMY BEAR Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, Mediterranean Wines,splash $2.49 Falafel Happy Hour 3-7 of sour and sprite 7
Wednesday 11/5
Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)
$3 Microbrew Shorts Burger and Brew Special! Happy Hour 3-7
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
TRAY CATERING FROM 10 TO 1,000. ANY EVENT
Thursday 11/6
Quarter
PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
LIFE TIPS
RA Suggests Reckless Sex This Halloween Danielle Jacosalem wrote this Normally, your RA isn’t an idiot. They spend hours planning events you never go to, and decorate the corkboards that always get destroyed. Resident assistants are like your mom, without half the judgment. Many misguided students rely on their RA to show them the ropes, how to live, and how to stay alive. Around big holidays and festive events, many wide-eyed and bushytailed students will ask their RA what to do. For the unfortunate residents of an unnamed hall, their RA was horribly wrong.
Trudy Jordan was a sophomore, and was quite nervous about her first year as a resident planshof being page adassistant. = 5” wSheXhad 5.5” the perfect RA, but they went downhill when she moved into the dorms. Her residents were dicks, which she could’ve never prepared herself for. Her whiteboard was consistently defaced with penises, and no one listened to her warnings. The final straw was when a resident ruined her Leif Erikson Day
board, writing over her Norwegian fun facts claiming she “wasn’t funny.” Funny? They wanted funny? Trudy would deliver them the funniest Halloween board she could give them, and she’d throw in some sexual awareness facts along with it.
place, you can always go next door! You can never get too freaky this time of the year! You’re guaranteed to get a little something in the sack! No one is judging if you’re in leather and chains!
Residents of Trudy’s floor came home on a Tuesday night to a board bursting with streamers, glitter, and hanging lights. It was nothing out of the ordinary, their crazy RA was just going overboard as usual. It wasn’t until they got closer to the board that they realized the streamers were not really streamers…but condoms. Condoms were everywhere. Trudy had pinned condoms to her board for all her residents to take. Trying to be funny for once, Trudy put a bunch of sex puns on the board. “Why Halloween is Just like Sex,” it was titled.
Residents didn’t know how to react to the board. Most were freaked out, others…yeah no, everyone was weirded out by it. The unfortunate souls that were her residents took the pinned condoms, unaware that their RA had unknowingly suggested horribly reckless sex along with her bad sex jokes. But it was a holiday weekend, and no one felt like buying their own condoms.
It’s always more fun to dress up! You can get it for free on this holiday! If you don’t like what you get from one
Trudy’s residents took off for their Halloween shenanigans. Some tacky tourists landed sexy cats, and dirty cops took home slutty school girls. One of them, impressively dressed as Riff Raff, managed to convince a lady back to his dorm room. Just as he was about to get
HARPER’S
HAMBURGER HEAVEN
2
$
ALL-YOU CAN-EAT
Hamburgers Hot Dogs French Fries Salad Bar
Thursday 2-10 PM
All Draft Pints HEAVENLY $2.00 $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamis, LI’s SPECIALS $3.00 Dbles, Shots & Bombs
it on, he pulled out a condom. “Wait a second,” his girl said. “Is that a hole in the wrapper?” Riff Raff looked at the condom, which did indeed have a small hole. He remembered taking it off of Trudy’s board, and immediately panicked. Throwing a pillow over his dick, he pulled a Professor Quirrell a la Harry Potter and ran out the door. “Holes! Holes in the condoms!” he screamed before he fell to the ground in a dramatic, alcoholinduced wipeout. “Just thought you’d want to know.”
Residents poked their heads out their doors, horrified. For some, it was too late. For others, just in time. Trudy stepped out of her room amidst the madness, and broke down after facing angry students. She was taken away by the Community Director; residents were informed that Trudy would definitely not be returning. MSU RHA has declined to comment, and the Olin Health Center encourages all residents to triple check their condoms for holes that our dear friend Trudy may or may not have punctured in her overzealous attempts to be the best RA ever.
The only relevant shirts for football season
FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY - RICH HOMIE D
comes with a FREE Koozie! - blacksheepswag.com
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken • Major: Advertising Favorite Drink: Bourbon and anything • Favorite Shot: Fire and ice Disgusting Drink: Never made one If you had the opportunity to wipe one liquor off the face of this planet, what would it be?: Tequila, because I’ve never won a battle against tequila. How would drinking be fundamentally different if beer looked like blood?: There would be even more drinking-related injuries. Where’s the strangest place you’ve found yourself after a night of drinking?: On a chair outside.
NICK of CHANDLER TAPHOUSE
THE DRINKING GAME
When’s the least appropriate time for an evil laugh?: A funeral.
What’s your most, “Yeah, I’m going to hell for that” moment in recent memory?: I’m not going to hell. What kind of crazy plot would your evil twin concoct?: Takes my exams, but actually passes them. Who—like a spirit animal—is your spirit celebrity?: Leonardo DiCaprio, obviously. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s funny and something to do instead of paying attention in class.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
TRICK OR TREAT
CANDY SOUP
Alright, we know you’re not 5-years-old anymore, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want all the candy your lazy ass can possibly gather. It’s a rarity that Halloween falls on a Friday and that means you’ll be extra-blasted this year, so let’s put that inebriation to good use, shall we?
It’s that time of year again. Now that you’ve already gone trick or treating and have all that candy, it’s time to do something with it. You could try and get creative, but it’s always best to play it safe: go with the same game plan you’ve had since you were 4 years old. Mix it all together in a bowl and eat until you want to puke.
What You’ll Need: A 30 rack of your favorite beer, the biggest bag you can find (we like to go with one of the garbage variety), a damn strong sweet tooth. Number of Players: Just you, sugar tooth. Level of Intoxication: Enough to forget you’re 21 years old.
What You’ll Need: A bag full of candy, a large bowl, Tylenol for your stomach. Fatty Factor: Don’t even look at the scale tomorrow morning.
How to play: - In preparation for this, you’re going to need to brush your teeth for two straight days beforehand. Yeah, you’ll need to skip class and work for this. It’s a commitment. - Finish off that 30 rack as quickly as possible. Yes, after a while it turns into more work than play, but who says the sweetest things in life come easy? - Grab the biggest bag you can find and hit the town, leaving all your friends at your Halloween party behind in the name of food. - .First, you’ll need to sweep through campus. You may not get as many prepared households at student-inhabited apartments, but you can always just push them aside and grab whatever you can from their cabinets. - Next, you’ll need to exit campus and hit up the residential areas. Yes, the townies may be a little freaked out by a 21-year-old in a cheerleading costume (that’s probably all you’ll be able to find the night before) begging for candy. The Game Ends When: You manage to gather at least three pounds of candy to the two black eyes you’ll receive raiding some bro’s apartment on campus.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Gather all the candy you’ve earned throughout the night and bring it to the kitchen. - Open up every piece of candy you got tonight and put them all in the bowl. - Roll with us here: Stir the candy with a gigantic spoon. - Now that you have a proper variety of candy to choose from, dig your hand in for a sweet surprise . - Keep shoving fistfuls of sugar down your throat until you physically can’t handle anymore. Be careful you don’t eat too much that you have to puke everything back up into the bowl. But if you do, just shrug and remember, this sweet, sweet meal only comes once a year.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A true “comic’s comic,”
Jimmy Pardo is a comedian that flies by the seat of his pants. Best known for his award-winning podcast Never Not Funny and being the opener for Conan O’Brien on Conan, Pardo is a brilliant improviser. With his annual 12-hour live Pardcast-a-Thon quickly approaching on Black Friday, Pardo took the time out of his week to speak to The Black Sheep. TBS: So how did you get into stand-up and what drove you to pursue comedy? Jimmy: I started in the late 80s, the comedy boom was humongous, especially around Chicago. Every bar had comedy nights in addition to around a dozen comedy clubs at the time, so I was getting on stage two, three times a night driving all over the city to get some stage time. What drove me to pursue comedy was growing up in the South Side of Chicago and south suburbs. It’s a very sports-based city, not that I’m against sports but I wasn’t very good at them and I didn’t fit in with that scene. I had a sense of humor and I would use it to either impress the girls or get out of fights and I found my own groove of people. And you end up being friends with those types of people and you eventually find your way in life, and you either end up going to college and being a professional in something, or you end up being a clown like me. TBS: You still continue to do stand-up, but in 2006 you decided to start your podcast Never Not Funny, one of the first well-known comics to do so. What made you stop and think that would be something that you’d want to do? Jimmy: I think I was one of the first comics that had a following that started a podcast, and it really came out of the gentleman that’s now my cohost and producer, Matt Belknap, who was just a fan of mine. He would come and see me do shows at the UCB Theater here in LA. He was doing a very dry podcast where he would interview comedians about the craft, which was really great, but after he did the interview with me he said “Hey, I think I’d have more fun producing your podcast,” and I had no idea what that meant. I had listened to Ricky Gervais, his was hot at the time and it was the only other one that I knew of. I was between TV gigs and I thought “you know what, I don’t know what this is and I don’t wanna be the guy that’s left behind on it, so I’m gonna be the first of my group to do it.” And so we started in March of 2006 and here we are. TBS: You have the Pardcast-a-Thon coming up on November 28th, which for our readers that don’t know is a 12-hour live podcast featuring a rotating guest list that has raised over half a million dollars for Smile Train, a charity that provides corrective surgery for children with cleft lips and palates. What brought you to partner with Smile Train and what was the idea that sparked the 12-hour podcast? Jimmy: There’s a show regular by the name of Pat Francis and he came on as a guest one time and thought it would be funny if we had an auction to raise money for Smile Train. It was on the back of Parade magazine, and just coincidentally he brought it up and I said, “jeez, I just gave to them yesterday” and so I said let’s do it. So, we did an auction that whoever raised the most money got to be a guest on Never Not Funny. In 2008, and in 2009 we were toying around with what we could do next that would be neat and unique. I always grew up loving the Jerry Louis Labor Day Telethon. It’d go for 24 hours and you don’t know who’s gonna show up at 3:30 in the morning, everybody gets loopy tired but it’s a lot of fun and raises a ton of money. So we thought who could we do it for and we thought Smile Train made sense. So we just sent them a check after the first year, I think it was just 6,000 bucks, which is still a lot of money considering we were just this small, little podcast. So after a couple of years we ended up partnering with them and last year we raised $144,000. So in as little as five years, the awareness has grown, it’s been good for Smile Train, it’s been good for us, and it’s been a hell of a lot of fun too. TBS: Do you have any fundraising goals for this year? And do you have any idea who the guests will be? In the past you’ve had some great guests such as Amy Poehler, Zach Galifianakis, and Jon Hamm. Jimmy: I always like to say that the goal is to beat last year’s amount and $144,000 is a lot of money. But our audience has grown so it’s conceivable that we’ll make more. But any money for Smile Train is a win. And we’ve just started casting and putting out offers, but the show regulars are gonna be there. Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and of course Matt Belknap and Pat Francis will be there the entire 12 hours. And we’ve reached out to the people we don’t necessarily know to bring in some star factor. TBS: Going back to your live comedy, how has the podcast affected how you’ve approached standup? Jimmy: I’ve always been pretty improvisational on stage, talking stream of consciousness off the top of my head, and finding the funny, but when you’re a good comic that nobody knows you have to get on the stage and convince people that you’re funny. There’s a room of people that didn’t know who I was and just saw my name on a flier. For reasons I’ll never understand, people go to a comedy club with the mindset of “these guys better be funny,” which is the weirdest thing. If you’re gonna go there, why not just trust that it’s gonna be a good show? It’s always a weird adversarial relationship with the audience and the comedian. So, it went from spending the first three minutes on stage convincing people that they’re in good hands and it’s gonna be a good show, to now because of the podcast there’s this fan base that comes out to support. I went from maybe a few people in the audience knowing who I am to every show being full of podcast fans. I know that they’re on my side and I can make them laugh, plus attendance is better and people are coming to see me and not just to see comedy, which is great. And the shows are better because I run my mouth an hour and a half every week on my podcast, so I trust that I’m going to find the funny and for the most part the audience stays with it. TBS: You also open for Conan O’Brien, how has that experience been and how did you get that job? Jimmy: I started with them day one at The Tonight Show when they moved from New York to L.A., and I’d never met Conan or anyone on the staff. I knew a couple of the writers but none of the higher-ups. And I knew Andy Richter a little bit from doing some shows with him at The UCB, but it would’ve been presumptuous to say I was a friend of Andy’s at the time. When they were moving out to L.A., they wanted somebody to open the shows and legend has it that Andy Richter said “the guy that can do an hour off the top of his head and has the same sensibilities as this show is Jimmy Pardo.” So they called me in for an interview. I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want to be a warm-up act, that’s not why I moved to L.A., but I thought, “you know what, it’s The Tonight Show, it’s Conan O’Brien, I’ve gotta at least take that meeting.” I went to the meeting, and within minutes I was like “I’ve gotta take this job.” They told me that I didn’t have to throw out t-shirts or candy, I’ve just gotta go out there and do comedy, and then I’m done. So I met Conan, Mike Sweeney the head writer, Jeff Ross the executive producer, the stage manager Steve Hollander, and they all told me that I was the guy. I had never felt that wanted before in show business, so I took the job and I’ve been there for 5 years and it’s been great. Being around all those amazingly funny people every day, I never once bitch that I have to go to work. First I’m about to go do comedy for a living, and in addition I get to work with these hilarious people.
AROUND CAMPUS
Staff wrote this
Michigan State University researchers have confirmed the inevitable: the squirrel population in East Lansing has officially surpassed the undergraduate student population. With the birth of a small black-and-brown baby squirrel last Wednesday, there are now more squirrels at Michigan State than there are students. This news may come as unsurprising to most students, but what has come out of it will indeed shock nearly every East Lansing resident: squirrels are now demanding better treatment from students, city officials, and MSU trustees alike. The Black Sheep caught up with Acorn McNutterson, a prominent spearhead of the newly-founded “Squirrel Rights Movement.” “Our time has come,” said McNutterson, “for too long we have hidden in our trees from drunk kids trying to shave our tails. Too many times have we been splattered across the street by careless moped drivers! Too often are East Lansing squirrels seen as less than human!” When The Black Sheep observed that though we did not want to imply “less than,” squirrels are indeed not human. McNutterson took offense regardless, replying with: “Then how the fuck am I talking to you right now?”
McNutterson is not the only active figure in the movement. MSU junior Gretchen Appleby has formed the student organization N.U.T.S. (Neutralizing Unfair Treatment of Squirrels) with hopes of getting more people on board for her cause. “It breaks my heart,” said Appleby. “I go down to the river and feed these squirrels every day because they are under constant attack from everything around them. I even raised Acorn’s first 27 babies in my Hubbard dorm room.” McNutterson said squirrels need more people like Appleby on their side. “It’s not going to be easy,” he told us, “we need more than just one kinda creepy girl in on this cause. We need people to see that we’re not just tweaked-out rats with more fur— we’re people, too.” Apparently, there has been some division amongst the squirrel community—division that both McNutterson and Appleby agree to be detrimental to the overarching goal of squirrel rights. “Yes, we’ve had some issues from the start,” McNutterson revealed, “some of the brown squirrels think the black squirrels have been taking their nuts, while the gray squirrels are accusing both groups of stealing their mates and exposing their babies
to bad influences like Squirrely Cyrus. Then you’ve got the spotted squirrels who can’t relate to any group and spend their days musing over chipmunks behind Wells Hall. We’ve got a long road ahead of us.” But for Appleby and thousands of squirrels, it is a road worth traversing. “It’s 2014,” said Appleby, “why are squirrels still unable to get bus passes? Why is Kentucky the only state to recognize squirrel
marriages? We’ve got to ask ourselves as a society: what did these beautiful creatures ever do to receive such poor treatment?” Our interview with McNutterson was cut short by a barking dog. “You’d think I wouldn’t have to be afraid of that thing in the 21st century, but here I am, putting my tail between my legs, grabbing my nuts, and busting ass up the nearest tree,” he said before scurrying off.
PAGE 13 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Squirrel Rights Movement Begins As Squirrel Population Surpasses Students
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the HALLOWEEN COSTUME madlib
1) Adjective 2) Different adjective 3) Slutty celebrity 4) Sluttier celebrity 5) Respected celebrity 6) Artsy dorm 7) Liquor 8) Late-night food 9) Your hipster friend 10) Animal 11) Party drug 12) Type of dance 13) Local dance bar 14) Person you lost your virginity to 15) Local pizza place 16) Fast food place 17) Color 18) Animal 19) Stereotypical Halloween costume 20) Person from #14
I always feel so intimidated by Halloween costumes. You want to look ___1___ without being too ___2___. You want to be ___3___ without being too ___4___, while maintaining the grace of ___5___. You want to be creative without looking like someone living in ___6___ aka like a hobo… maybe I’ll be a hobo?… Anyway, I’m also not trying to spend an arm and a leg on my costume; after all, I need to be able to afford ___7___to pre-game with and ___8___ to enjoy after the party. So I headed to the local thrift store, and ___9___ works there so I’d get an extra discount. But nothing was really working for me. I saw something that could resemble a ___10___, but it had poop stains on it (or was that peanut butter?). There was a shiny dress so I could’ve been a disco-girl (is that a thing?) but every time I take ___11___ I always - always - end up ___12___ in the middle of ___13___and then going home with ___14___ which is so freshman year of me. Everything else I tried on was too small (I blame ___15___) or just not right for my very unique personality. So I took the bus to the over-priced Halloween store. Naturally, it was hot as a ___16___-employee in a sauna, and even smellier. The place was trashed and local high schoolers were pocketing ___17___ glitter faster than I could decipher the difference between ___18___ ears. While I perused expensive, skanky ___19___ outfits, I saw___20___ and started having a panic attack. So I instantly left and called a cab home. Ugh, I’ll just get drunk and go as a ghost.
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