Michigan State - Issue 11 - 3/27/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 10, Issue 11

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

3/27/14 - 3/2/14

MILLIONS SPORTING GARY HARRIS’ ‘STACHE TO SUPPORT MSU BASKETBALL MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS With March Madness upon us, it is time for fans around the nation to show support for their teams. While most people will just throw on a sweatshirt or t-shirt that are adorned with their school’s logos, supporters of Michigan State University have been seen sporting what is affectionately known as the “Harris Mustache,” a trend in facial hair that closely mirrors shooting guard Gary Harris’ own, which is only a quarter of an inch thick. To learn more about the trend, we caught up with members of Michigan State’s campus to hear what the ‘stache means to those rocking it. MSU student Kyle Morris said the following: “I wanted to show my dedication to my school and I thought this was a great way to do it. The hardest part was getting the measurements right, though,” Morris said. “It’s such a skinny mustache that I almost shaved too much. I don’t know how Gary maintains it—I heard he uses a $300 automatic razor.” For those who do not have the patience for personal precision, it has been reported that thousands in East Lansing are flocking to barber shops, demanding the look. It has been so popular, in fact, that business for East Lansing barbershops has increased 600%. Local barber Jon Butterfield noted even some not-so-regular customers were demanding the look, including several female Michigan fans. “Though the majority of female facial-Harris supporters are from Ann Arbor,” Butterfield said, “MSU president Lou Anna K. Simon came in here asking for one, as well as some hair-growth formula.” Debates are currently circulating whether or not LAKS’ mustache is self-grown. We have yet to hear back from her representatives, but will announce the findings via Twitter when we hear more on the matter. However, women who can’t grow facial hair haven’t been excluded from the trend, as various stores on Grand River have started selling stick-on Harris Mustaches. We stopped female Michigan State student Sally O’Malley who was wearing one of the stick-on mustaches to ask her whether people thought she was strange for wearing it. “I mean, I’ve gotten quite a few double-takes and weird looks, but once they get a closer look and see that it’s the Harris Mustache I get a lot of high fives and ‘Go Greens.’ I wish I could wear it all year,” said O’Malley. We were fortunate enough to be able ask Gary Harris himself what he thought about starting a national trend.

“I was thinking of shaving it last week, but once I saw people were supporting the facial-Harris look, I decided to keep wearing it,” he said. “I’m proud to be an inspiration, but I want people to do it right. Make sure the ‘stache rests on your upper lip like a pillow, no hack-jobs. Oh, and I do not condone Michigan fans jockin’ my style. Gross.”

Even Harris’ teammates have styled their mustaches after him, and our sports insiders have reported an increase in team chemistry. Tom Izzo has yet to join, stating he would only do so if the Spartans made a Final Four push. Will the facial-Harris movement help MSU bring the NCAA trophy back home to East Lansing? Only time will tell.

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UM-DEARBORN STUDENT CLAIMS PERFECT BRACKET

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GARDENING TIPS

BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS Spring is finally here and that means one thing for college students: It’s gardening season! That’s right; forsythia, perennials, tulips and daisies, now’s the time to get serious if want your patio foliage to outshine your eighty-year-old arthritic neighbor’s. But before you throw on your gardening gloves and hike up your grass-stained pants, cultivate your mind with all The Black Sheep’s gardening knowledge. 10.) Lose the Bird Feeders: There’s no worse thing for a ripening garden than a bunch of freeloading birds. Not only will they eat every last speck of birdseed out of your thirty dollar sack, but they’ll stick around for months just to gobble your strawberries. To rid yourself of society’s most ungracious animal, throw out the feeders and fill your neighbor’s birdbath with a gallon of gasoline. Don’t panic if your neighbor catches you, just take a sip and insist it’s harmless.

DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS UNITE IN FEAR OF IZZO/DANTONIO 2016 RUMORS MSU STAFF WROTE THIS In a pleasantly surprising change of pace for Washington D.C., seven bills are set to be pass through Congress without hindrance in the next two weeks. Among them, two pieces of legislation aimed at keeping student loan interest rates from skyrocketing further, and a siphoning of military funding towards higher education grants and scholarships. Despite the highly partisan nature of these bills and others set to pass, Republicans and Democrats seem to have found something to unite around: Fear. “The big concern around D.C. used to be Hillary, hands down,” said a Washington insider who wished to remain anonymous. “Those days are gone. Everyone knows she’s going to run— now they’re just hoping the perfect storm isn’t brewing.” When asked about the storm he alluded to, the 56-year-old senator responded, “You know, Dantonio and Izzo. If those two run—things get real scary, real fast for both parties.” The duo, Michigan State’s Tom Izzo and Mark Dantonio, represent the most powerful coaching tandem in the nation. But some say they may be eyeing even more powerful positions, such as the Oval Office. “I heard that if the Spartans make the Final Four this year, Dantonizzo will run,” a top White House official told The Black Sheep in an exclusive interview. “To be honest, President Obama thinks it’s awesome. After meeting them and spending a night in East Lansing, he won’t stop talking about how cool they are. It’s a borderline bromance.”

collar citizens, and CEOs alike makes the pairing a perfect threat to established political veterans. The Clinton Camp hinted at the possibility of conceding in such a scenario. “Hillary has not ruled out the option of offering her services to a Dantonizzo White House, if the people so choose,” said a Clinton insider. Republicans, however, have different plans to respond to an Izzo/Dantonio ballot. “We’ll probably try to shut the government down again, you know, buy some time,” said John Boehner, an Ohio State fan after a crippling loss to Dayton. “I mean, we could try to paint them as un-American, but have you seen those guys? They exude stars and stripes.” The Koch brothers have allegedly established a lobbying fund at the University of Michigan appropriately titled, “Americans for Stopping a Spartan Elite Scenario”, or “ASSES”, in preparation to throw millions of dollars against a Dantonizzo run, though both declined to comment. However, if the lobbying rumors are true, Ann Arbor seems to be one of few campuses against the coaching ballot. “I love those guys,” said Diana Henderson, an Auburn junior. “Dantonio got us into the National Championship in football, and to be honest, the Spartans probably would have had a better shot at winning.”

The official, who also wanted her name withheld for professional purposes, added, “He’s been shouting ‘Turn up for Tom!’ at interns all week.”

Dr. Atish Patel, a professor at UCLA and political campaign expert expressed his opinion on the matter: “They’re set to take all the chips, politically speaking,” he said. “I’ve heard countless students in my classes expressing desire to vote for them.” He then added, “It’s never been so easy to get them to participate in discussion.”

Though both Mark Dantonio and Tom Izzo have denied any plans for the presidency, “Dantonizzo” still looms over the heads of Washington’s elite. Analysts say their appeal to the youth vote, blue-

Though all that persists now are rumors of this dream ballot, things will be sure to heat up in coming weeks as March unfolds. Washington will be watching the tournament with baited breath.

9.) Prep the Soil: If you’ve already cleared a garden and planted seeds, then check for growth and get ready for a bloom. If not, grab an old-school rake and get busy. Dig up big patches of grass alongside your deck, and when your roommates get home, prance over the dirt like an Indian hunting water buffalo. That way, when they ask just what in the crusty fuck you’re doing to their lawn you can say, “It’s Mother Earth, she grows and I weep.” 8.) Mulch Away: Now that you’ve got clear land, you’ll need to know what weeds love. Dirt. Cover that awful dirt with some mulch, but don’t purchase biodegradable ground leaves or bark. That’s a cheap, eco-friendly option that will have everyone questioning your garden’s seriousness. Instead, buy the rubber mulch recycled from old tires and try to imagine the color contrasts. You’ll blow everyone away with all the beauty and terrible playground smells. 7.) Take a Break: You’ve just dug up and mulched your entire garden and assured its protection from whole generations of ravenous birds. Go ahead and drink a beer. 6.) Take a Nap: Drinking beer can leave you sleepy and bloated, and according to the U.S. Surgeon General, consumption of alcohol impairs your ability to operate gardening machinery and may cause health problems. So go ahead and sleep this one off, you’ve earned it, tiger. 5.) Plant Some Veggies: If you want vegetables in the summer and don’t want to spend sixty cents a pound for tomatoes, then go ahead and start planting now. If you’re the kind of person who thinks gardens are reserved for aesthetically pleasing flowers, then heed this: Every garden needs a utilitarian plant. Even though a head of broccoli looks an awful lot like the green tip of an alien’s dick, it’s a nutritious, delicious treat and could even score you some drug money if you were to sell it in bulk. 4.) Plant Eggplants: Do you even know what an eggplant looks like? Well, Google it, and then say you wouldn’t want those silly things growing just outside your window. Think of all the fun you could have throwing those purple swollen sweeties at stray neighborhood cats. 3.) Buy Flowers or Something: Hey, gardens need flowers, right? Go down to the nearest hardware store greenhouse and buy everything you can: daises, lilies, catmint, coneflowers, forget-menots, whatever. As the old saying goes, “the world is your oyster, plant it, and watch it grow.” 2.) Leave the Flowers on Your Deck: Shit, you still have to plant those flowers. Ah, you can just get to it tomorrow. The game’s on and the flowers don’t look half bad in their little black lugs. If your roommates hassle you, remind them that a deck full of unplanted daisies is still twice as beautiful as a deck full of empty pizza boxes and Keystone Lights. Of course, someone is going to have to do something about all that empty deck space… 1.) Drink Keystone Lights, and Try Again Next Year: Hey, you weren’t just going to watch all that empty deck space go to waste, were you? Crack open a can of something smooth, and toss all those empty cans aside. Eat pizza and add some cardboard treasure to the growing mounds of sparkling blue aluminum. By late spring those daises will have grown out of their little lugs and into their quiet deaths, but luckily, you’ll still have one impressive, smelly, recycled-tire-mulch garden to look at.

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MICHIGAN-DEARBORN STUDENT CLAIMS PERFECT BRACKET GAVIN O’MARA WROTE THIS

A University of Michigan-Dearborn student and self-proclaimed basketball expert Kyle Johnson claims to have the created the perfect bracket, and has begun to use his presumed winnings to purchase on credit. “This bracket is the one,” Johnson told The Black Sheep. “I can just feel the tingle. It starts in my eyes and goes all the way down to my nut sack. This is the one.” “I’ve done the math, and the chances of getting a perfect bracket are surprisingly high, just check the numbers, really. There’s a pretty simple formula to it all, I’m just surprised no one has ever thought of it before.” We assured Johnson that the odds are still, in fact, incredibly low. “Ha! Maybe to you amateurs,” he said. “At first I had a system. I can’t reveal the details, but it involved marathons of Full House, and a lot of ganja.”

Johnson looked at himself in the mirror, “I figured, ‘Kyle, you know your shit, why not just pick them games using your basketball-filled brain?’I know more about college basketball than Kirk Herbstreit and Mel Kiper put together.”

“At first I had a system. I can’t reveal the details, but it involved marathons of Full House, and a lot of ganja.” “It’s really just all about points,” Johnson noted. “The fact of the matter is, if you score more points than the other team, you’re going to win the game about 90 percent of the time.” “Defense is a big part of it all too,” He preached. “Usually, if the other team

doesn’t score much, your team has a pretty good chance at winning,” he continued to state rudimentary basketball knowledge. “If you hold them to under 30 points, you automatically win, kind of like catching the snitch in Harry Potter. Oh, and if you’re down by more than a dozen points with less than three minutes left on the clock, your coach gets to ride around on a Zamboni on the court. It’s a pretty good defense, I think.” “This is really the year to do a perfect bracket too, because if you do it, which I will, Jimmy Buffett will give you a billion dollars. I had no idea he was worth that much, but I totally respect that he’s doing it. ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ is my jam, man.” Johnson set down his spliff, “A hamburger with jam on it…” he pondered for a second, “I dunno about that one.”

“That billion dollars is going to be awesome when I actually win it. I’ll probably just spend most of it on basketball-related stuff, maybe go to lunch with a few Michigan football recruits,” he said.

Johnson is so confident, he is already spending money that, statistically, he’ll never see.

Johnson seemed certain he would succeed in this gamble, stating, “I’ll tell you one thing, this isn’t going to be like the

“Oh, and buy some quaaludes, I’ve wanted to do that since I saw The Wolf of Wall Street.”

time I bought $5,000 dollars worth of Groupon stock. In fact, I’m so confident about the perfection of my bracket, if I’m somehow wrong, which I won’t be, I’ll lick the floor of the men’s bathroom at Rick’s.” Update: After the first day of games, Johnson’s bracket was a dismal 4 for 32, and he has since withdrawn it from The Black Sheep’s Spartan Madness bracket group. We have been unable to contact him, and the men’s bathroom at Ricks still remains visibly unlicked.

Local Student Finds Loophole for Lent; Gets Sentenced to Hell GARRISON RASMUSSEN WROTE THIS

“So much for that ticket to Heaven,” lamented James Hinton, sorrowfully sipping on a Diet Coke. James Hinton, local member of the St. John Church and Student Center, recently started Lent, gallantly giving up pop for the next few weeks. Though he’s been an addict of the flavorsome Diet Coke straight from the womb, Hinton

claimed this would not be too difficult a fix to overcome for 47 days. “My mother has pictures of that sweet, sweet Diet Coke being poured in my bottle when I was but a toddler,” recalled Hinton, casting forlorn looks over aged photo albums. “I thought this would be the perfect thing to give up for Jesus.”

But not all was at ease after the first two weeks of selfless sacrifice. “The cravings were keeping me up all night,“ said Hinton. “I went back to smoking cigarettes, trading one fix for another, but so far the nicotine has only accelerated my craving for that ambrosia, caffeine.” Hinton has been attending Rick’s more frequently, hoping that worrying about contracting an STD would stop his desire for Diet Coke. “I already have syphilis, but the rash only makes me wish I could drink the pain away.”

from his SodaStream that he wishes. Also, the use of a straw redefines what it means to ‘drink’ a beverage and therefore is not covered under Hinton’s original promise to The Highest Honor, God.” When asked if he was receiving money for plugging the product SodaStream, VanSlyke plead the fifth.

Like any desperate person trying to get out of a binding contract, Hinton needed to locate a loophole. Using the free student lawyer system provided by ASMSU, Hinton sat down with a lawyer and started working on finding his ticket back to using Diet Coke.

“We were thrilled at this news originally,” recollected Hinton. “Not only could I enjoy that carbonated acid once more; I could do so in the comfort of my own home without fear of repercussion by God.” Without the concern of God smiting him where he stood with lightning cast from the heavens, Hinton proceeded to go to Mass the following Sunday; however, misfortune was bubbling up like his sweet, sweet fix.

“Mr. Hinton was clearly in over his head upon signing up for this religious act,” claimed Mr. James VanSlyke, attorney at law. “While James did claim he gave up pop, he did not specify exactly what that entailed; therefore, upon utilizing a SodaStream, where soda, not pop, is produced, my client is more than welcome to consume all the succulent soda

“I was called into the Father’s office post-mass,” said Hinton. “He demanded to know what it was that I had done. I brought James with me, but the effort was futile.” Frustrations and anger were vented by the local priest, claiming that cheating God was not advantageous toward getting to Heaven. “We attempted to tell him that soda was in fact not pop,

but we left, dejected.” The Black Sheep recently reached out to the priest for an interview. “Mr. Hinton will not be receiving a holy pardon from me, the bishop, or even the Pope for this injustice,” stated Father Jim in a recent interview. “The Heavenly Father does not appreciate a person trying to undercut him on any matter. Unless you hail from the God-forsaken wasteland that is Montana, everyone knows that no one uses the word ‘soda’ for any purpose, except for those wannabes from the SodaStream company, and they’re obviously not fooling anyone, including yours truly.” Father Jameson declined to say whether Hinton would ever regain access to Heaven. “Mr. Hinton does not intend to kneel to any god on this matter and will continue to fight this,“ specified VanSlyke. “We don’t appreciate the term ‘loophole’ anyhow. Perhaps God should be more direct in the Bible for this aged practice of Lent. We live in a society where we demand specifics. We’ll take this fight to the pearly gates if we have to!” God could not be reached for comment.

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LONE MSU STUDENT WANTS LONGER WINTER SAM METRY WROTE THIS

Students at Michigan State University are enjoying rising temperatures and the promise that summer is moseying around the corner, slowly but surely. Virtually every student is welcoming warmer temperatures, every student except sophomore Jack Oswald. “You know, I just wasn’t ready for the snow to melt,” said Oswald. “I was hoping for it to last until midApril, that way I could have hit the slopes a few more times. Not gnar, Mother Nature. Not gnar at all.” This winter had the second most snowfall since Michigan began taking measurements in 1874, much to the dismay of most of Oswald’s classmates. “This winter has been the worst,” said Oswald’s roommate Wes Matthews. “I seriously filled out a transfer application to Florida Gulf Coast University because I can’t handle another winter like this.” The roommates’ difference of opinion led to some animosity between Oswald and Matthews. “He’s been leaving the windows and the door open,” said Matthews. “I can’t handle it anymore! Thank god it’s warming up or we could have had some serious problems. Our heat bill for January cost more than my tuition!” Oswald claimed he simply can’t get enough cold. “I just wanted to mentally prepare myself for my ride to class, you know, really immerse myself in the greatness of East Lansing in the winter,” he said. “That’s why I sometimes leave the doors ajar.” When asked to clarify what he meant by “ride to class,” Oswald explained that he’s been cross-country skiing to class, stating that he wants to spend as

much time with the snow as possible. “Don’t even bring up the damned skis to me,” said Matthews. “If I trip over them one more time, they’re going where the sun don’t shine on that weirdo.” Oswald has also faced backlash from his girlfriend, freshman Julie Stephens, for his love of snow and its wintery temperatures. “It started off with us walking to dinner in the cold instead of taking his car or the bus, but it’s gotten weirder,” said Stephens. “He’s started trying to bring snow sculptures into our sex life and it’s creeping me out. Plus I think I have a cold now.” According to Oswald, some of the objects that he uses include ice cubes, scarves, snowballs, taxidermied penguins, miniature snowmen, and a Santa Claus hat. “Things got a little weird with the snowman,” said Stephens. “He seemed to be paying more attention to it than to me. It was also unnecessarily realistic and certain parts of it were completely disproportional to the size of the other snowparts.” Even though Oswald is aware that he’s the only person in East Lansing that feels this way, he’s holding true to his beliefs and plans to spend this summer reminiscing about our bitter winter. “I just really like winter,” said Oswald. “It gets me going unlike anything else. It…it sounds weird, but it gets me so hot! Some people call me a frosty-ophile or a snowdiddler but I don’t care,” he panted, fanning himself. “They don’t understand, this winter was the greatest time of my life,” he let out a low moan, looking relieved, “and none of you can take that from me.”

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Tuesday 4/1

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wednesday 4/2

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 4/3

$4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the D-Town

Half off apps ALL DAY $4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels Breakfast and Beer! Add a domestic pint for $1 $4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices), 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

All Day! $2 Domestic Bottles Not Valid on Home Game Days

$4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2!

All Day Long, all Mega Menu Items for $1 off!! AFTER 6PM: Fill your own mug (must be a mug & must be 32oz or under) of Labatt’s Blue for only $3!

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

AFTER 6PM...Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

the wordsearch

sonic menu items

Popcorn Chicken Chicago Dog Junior Burger Deluxe Burger Tots Ched R Peppers Onion Rings Cheese Fries Cherry Limeade Breakfast Burrito Bacon Toaster Island Fire Burger Grape CreamSlush Sonic Blast Root Bear Float Peanut Butter Shake Java Chiller Cinnasnacks Turtle Molten Sundae Corndog

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Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Modern Medicine: What common over-thecounter drug has seen sales restrictions put in place, as it can be used to produce methamphetamine?

CHEWBACCA of KASHYYYK

6) Geopolitics: The hotly contested Crimean Peninsula is located encircled by what body of water?

2) TV: What TV show sees it opening each episode with two teens, Penny and Luke?

7) Technology: What cell phone maker was bought by Google in 2011, only to be sold to laptop maker Lenovo in 2014?

3) Money: The rand is the currency of what African country?

8) Music: What song recently won the 2014 Academy Award for Best Song?

4. Fire: The “fire triangle” is a model that explains the three components needed for fire. Name two.

9) Earth: What is the proper name for the thick layer of molten rock between Earth’s crust and core?

5) Wordplay: What’s the proper name for rearranging letters in a word or phrase to produce a new word or phrase?

10) The alphabet: Without using your hands, what are the two middle letters of the alphabet?

Chewbacca’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Stuff for colds; I should have watched more Breaking Bad. 2) How I Met Your Mother 3) Botswana 4) Fuel and oxygen 5) Anagram 6) The Black Sea 7) Motorola 8) “Let it Go” from Frozen 9) Mantle 10) M, N

1) Sudafed 2) How I Met Your Mother 3) South Africa 4) Fuel, heat, oxygen 5) Anagram 6) The Black Sea 7) Motorola 8) “Let it Go” from Frozen 9) Mantle 10) M, N

Chewbacca’s Score: 8 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Pennies

Cheesy Taco Buns

Look, laundry week really socked it to ya, and it’s not like you’re breaking into numismatic collection just to entertain your roommates. Pennies, it is! You do have some of those, right? Stack ‘em up and have at it.

We’re going to take a wild guess here and assume you’re still hungover from spring break, yes? After all those long, hard hours of getting swole at the gym and not putting ranch on everything, your sexy bod is now a gallon of digesting tequila and inauthentic Mexican food. Don’t beat yourself up, just think about everything LiLo has gone through. So since you don’t need to have a bikini body for another two months, treat yourself with more cheese and more carbs.

What You’ll Need: Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies. Number of Players: Two Level of Intoxication: Hey, Lincoln indulged in a belt of whiskey once in a while. How to Play: - Both players assemble a stack of ten pennies in front of them. - Players take turns sliding pennies across the table, attempting to knock down his opponent’s stack. - Each time a player fails to knock down his opponent’s stack, add that penny to the top of the opponent’s stack. - If a player misses his opponent’s stack entirely, he must drink one. - If a player hits his opponent’s stack but fails to knock it over, he must drink two drinks. - If the penny used by the shooter stops and remains in contact with his opponent’s stack, the shooter must drink three drinks. - If a player manages to topple his opponent’s stack, the loser must drink the same number of drinks as there are pennies on the winner’s stack. The Game Ends When: John Wilkes Booth shows up. : (((((((((((((((((

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You Need: 1 tube of biscuit dough, 1lb. ground beef, 1 packet of taco seasoning, 1/2 cup of salsa, 1 (or much, much more) cup shredded cheddar cheese, 1 8oz. package of cream cheese, 4 tablespoons melted butter. Cook Time: All in all, about 30 minutes. Enough time to do some squats. Fatty Factor: You will definitely feel it in your buns. Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef, making sure to drain the grease every now and again. - Add the taco seasoning as directed on the packet. - In a bowl, mix together the salsa and cream cheese. - On a greased baking sheet, roll out the biscuits so they are flat and somewhat thin. - Spread about 1 tbsp. of the cream cheese mixture onto the biscuit. - Put a spoonful of ground beef onto the cream cheese mixture. - Finally, sprinkle a bit of shredded cheese on top. - Seal the edges, and brush the tops of biscuits with melted butter. - Bake at 350 degrees for 13-16 minutes, or until tops are lightly browned. - Optional: Dip that shit in ranch, you deserve it. Why go to a third-world country for a butt implant when you can just eat, like, 1000 of these?

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present

Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present dan mirabelli wrote this Over the decades, Taco Bell has been known for introducing many ambitious products, and while some reached great success and satiated many a stoner, their risky menu items haven’t always been hits. In honor of the release of the new Taco Bell Breakfast Menu on March 27th, The Black Sheep looks back on failed Taco Bell menu items.

INTRODUCING:

THE FIRST MEAL As Taco Bell’s most recent attempt at breakfast, the fast food chain had to cook up some truly exciting items to stand out in the crowd and overshadow their past failures. With items like the Waffle Taco and the A.M. Crunchwrap, Taco Bell has already drummed up excitement among its fan base. But will they conquer the masses, or will they join the long line of discontinued tortilla-wrapped trash?

THE WAFFLE TACO

The Waffle Taco is exactly what it sounds like, but its most controversial feature is that it is doused in maple syrup. Waffles are not exactly known for being syrup retardant, and within minutes this seemingly glorious creation will be a soggy and sticky mess. We predict that many a customer will order this item to go, only to cover their steering wheel in syrup and ruin their shirt before they even make it to work. Mondays, right Garfield?

A.M. CRUNCHWRAP

Preliminary nutrition reports show that the A.M. Crunchwrap will contain 1250 milligrams of sodium, over half the recommended amount per day for adults under 51. That’s right, you can knock out half your sodium intake for the day for less than $3 before 7 a.m., now that is efficiency at its finest.

Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present

THE FIRST TRY AT BREAKFAST

THE BELL BEEFER

While many fan reacted to news of a new Taco Bell breakfast menu with enthusiasm and anticipation, most do not know that Taco Bell made a previous attempt in the past to launch a successful breakfast menu. In the 1990s, Taco Bell asked their patrons to “Make a Run for The Border for Breakfast,” however the menu mostly left people making a run for the bathroom. The menu included items like the Double Bacon Egg Burrito and tater-tot-esque potato chunks. Fans of the breakfast menu described the eggs as “Pretty darn good, you can barely tell that they’re instant!”

In the mid-1980s before Taco Bell thought outside the bun, they had an item that had a bun. For some reason Taco Bell executives decided that simply adhering to “Mexican” food was holding the restaurant back from its true potential, so the Bell Beefer was introduced. Consisting of a more-than-healthy serving of taco meat, shredded cheese, lettuce, and chunks of tomato, Taco Bell burst onto the burger scene. However, the Bell Beefer was essentially a shitty sloppy joe. Being so sloppy, it ruined one too many pairs of parachute pants before it was discontinued.

TACO BELL FRIES Yes that’s right, fries… from Taco Bell. Intriguing, yes. Tasty, hell no. Taking a page from their popular Nacho Supreme menu item, some dingbat in upper management decided that making Fries Supreme was a good idea in the late 1990s. And in a result that came out of left field, the fries were not a hit. Apparently people don’t enjoy having their crummy fries covered in ground beef and sour cream, who could’ve guessed?

SEAFOOD SALAD

If this list has taught you anything, it is to “enjoy” Taco Bell’s menu items as much as you can, because you can never know when your favorite fart-inducing pile of horsemeat will be discontinued. So get to your closest Taco Bell and suck down some ground bacon and instant eggs before they’re gone. But remember to download the new level of that iPhone game you play, because you’ll be spending some extra time on the crapper. And don’t forget to bring a net so you can fish your colon out of the toilet bowl when you’re finished.

Because you can’t have only four items on a menu and odd numbers are the cat’s pajama’s, Taco Bell decided to make one item and pretend that it was two different ones. Boasting eggs, bacon, and cheese, these items are exactly the same except for one key difference. One is a cylindrical, and the other is a semi-circle. This exact item was on the first attempt at breakfast, but the second time’s the charm.

SIZZLIN’ BACON

Back in 1995, the head honchos at Taco Bell realized that the taco empire was missing a key ingredient from its Mexican cuisine: Bacon. In order to fill the glaring hole in their lineup, a bacon-centric sub-menu was released that incorporated bacon into 3 menu items. However Taco Bell was ahead of it’s time, and the bacon craze had not entered full swing. For this reason, and the small detail that the “bacon” tasted like awful ham, the Sizzlin’ Bacon Menu didn’t last very long.

BLT TACO: Another venture that Taco Bell took in the mid 1980s was the ill-fated Seafood Salad. Created to oppose the Filet-O-Fish, the Seafood Salad included black olives, lettuce, tomato, bay shrimp, white fish, and snow crab. Unfortunately these ingredients tasted far from fresh, and the refrigeration techniques in the 1980s weren’t up to snuff. Due to this and multiple near-lethal food poisoning occurrences, Taco Bell was forced to pull the Seafood Salad from their menu.

BREAKFAST BURRITO AND A.M. GRILLED TACO

THROWBACK MENU:

Consisting of bacon, lettuce, tomato, club sauce, and cheddar cheese, the BLT Taco perfectly followed the classic recipe of the BLT. Unfortunately it was unable to attain the success and glory of its namesake, because what type of person walks into a Taco Bell and thinks to themselves “Huh, screw those MexiMelts, I came here for a damn BLT. “ Not a single person on the planet is that stupid, so as quickly as the BLT Taco appeared on the scene, it disappeared.

BACON CHEESEBURGER BURRITO: Unlike the Bell Beefer, this menu item attempted to put the burger into the burrito. But once again, customers realized that instead of eating a bizarre cheeseburgerand-bacon concoction, they could go down the street and buy something better from a restaurant that actually makes their money from making burgers.

CINNABON® DELIGHTS™

It is quite literally impossible to even try to make fun of these. They are going to be delicious, maybe even delightful, and you will surely eat far more than what is healthy for the average person. Actually, eating only one is probably not healthy for you, but what the hell. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself.

CHICKEN CLUB BURRITO:

In addition to having bacon, this burrito had chicken, lettuce, tomato, and a ranch-like sauce. Why was this delicious-sounding burrito taken off the menu? Because it was atrocious. Chicken. From Taco Bell. In the 1990s. Wanna talk about salmonella? You’d have to wash out you mouth with Purell after every bite, but there’s one problem with that. Purell HADN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.

THE RUSSELL CROWE SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Russell Crowe characters are from? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

FILM BANK

1.) Noah 2.) American Gangster 3.) Cinderella Man 4.) Les Misérables

5.) Gladiator 6.) Robin Hood 7.) A Beautiful Mind 8.) 3:10 to Yuma 9.) Romper Stomper

six degrees of separation

do you know how betty white and kate hudson are connected? send your answers to sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a sweet prize!

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