Michigan State - Issue 12 - 4/3/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep MICHIGAN STATE BANS FRE

Vol. 10, Issue 12

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

E... LIK E R I C YO U R E KI RO TCH OMM EN. ATE ’S

4/3/14 - 4/9/14

KEYSTONE, KEYSTONE LIGHT BEAR WOODS WROTE THIS

In shocking news, The Michigan State Board of Trustees and the East Lansing City Council released a joint statement in which they have banned the possession, purchase, and consumption of Keystone Light.

surefire winner!”

“We feel that Keystone Light diminishes the image that this prestigious university and economically prosperous city are trying to present,” said Mayor Nathan Triplett.

“I remember that,” said Stockwell. “It was the day after that MSU kicked Michigan’s ass. I was working the counter. Some guys came in looking to continue the party. I was completely out of beer, except Keystone Light, which we had plenty of. After spending ten minutes convincing them that I had no other beer they finally bought one 30-rack and left.”

Vice Chairperson of the Board of Trustees Brian Breslin agreed with the board and city’s joint decision. “Here at Michigan State we only admit the best students and athletes,” said Breslin. “Why should our choice of beer be any different? It is with that mindset that this ban has been agreed upon. Keith Stone, the likes of you are no longer welcome in our city limits!” Local business owners are also in agreement with this community-wide ban. “To be honest I’m happy with this decision,” said James Stockwell, owner of a local party store. “Keystone just sits on the shelf for months. It’s my worstselling product. I’m relieved that I don’t have to carry it anymore. I’m going to use the shelf space for home-brewed malt liquor. 37% alcohol for $3.22? It’s a

Stockwell graciously allowed us to view old security footage to better determine that the last purchase of Keystone Light was made on Sunday, November 3rd.

However, students have one problem with this ban. According to several Spartans, the low-quality beer was a telltale sign of a bad situation or individual. “How are we supposed to tell if a guy should be avoided at a party?” said Clarissa Thompson. “Keystone used to be a clear sign that we should stay away, and we don’t have that anymore. It’s almost like they want us to make decisions we’ll regret when we wake up the next morning.” “Back when I was a freshman I used to choose guys for pick-up basketball game at IM East based on if they liked Keystone or not,” said Tony Vicarro. “If they liked Keystone, I knew they couldn’t hoop. How am I supposed to find usable talent

now? The big game is in two weeks!” Derek “Burger” Simpson is among the small minority of students who liked Keystone Light. “Are you kidding me, bro-bro?!” exclaimed Simpson upon hearing the news. “That

‘ish was nectar of the Gods! How am I supposed to be like Keith Stone now?” After this landmark decision the board and city council remained unclear if they would begin to target other cheap and terrible alcoholic products, but it was clear that discussions would begin soon.

“This is the only alcoholic product that we are banning at this time,” said Breslin. “We will be having discussions in the coming months about other products, but first we will see if this ban succeeds. However, if it does, Five O’Clock should look out.”

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PAGES 12-13

HOOKING-UP WITH YOUR TA

IFC BANS TANK TOPS, POLICE EXPECT RIOTS

TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE

BROS HAVEN’T BEEN THIS PISSED SINCE THEY ALMOST CANCELLED WORKAHOLICS.

DRINKING BEER AND SCREWING? IS THIS WESTEROS OR MSU?

BANGING YOUR TA IS LIKE LOSING A PET, THERE ARE MULTIPLE STAGES OF DEALING WITH IT.

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WHAT’S THE STRANGEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD?

SWEET, SWEET LOVE

THE

TOP

TEN

WAYS TO SPEND THAT JUICY TAX RETURN HALIE WOODY WROTE THIS

HOOKING-UP WITH YOUR TA:

THE FIVE STAGES MSU STAFF WROTE THIS

Banging your TA is probably on your college bucket list, as it should be. You had a teacher in high school that you totally wanted to bone but the age gap was way too wide, and he was married with two kids. So now, here, in college, this is your time—now there’s someone who is your academic superior, but closer to you in age: Your TA. Just know that it’s not all sunshine and perfect grades. Here are the five stages when you’re expecting some sweet lovin’ from your TA.

“Leverage becomes commonplace: ‘You could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam...” Stage One: The Meeting: You’ve told yourself that in order to get laid consistently, it’s important that you’re easy and open to new experiences. It’s Monday, your favorite night to go out, and you’ve successfully made it into the knickers of some miscellaneous person you bonded with over shots at Rick’s. Rolling off of the foreign bed and crashing to the floor in a haze, you look at the clock and remember you have class in 40 minutes. It’s now that he mentions that he also has class… in the same building, same room. It’s your TA. Stage Two: Realization: Of course this isn’t just any class, this is COM 225, a class on interpersonal communication that preaches how to achieve a healthy, safe relationship (spoiler alert: this situation is not what the professors advise). After laughing at the ridiculousness of your life until you have a well-sculpted six pack, you make your way to class with the partner, and you think everyone knows what you two were up to (they probably do). You sit in his eye line, and of course the topic is about falling in love, and the dangers of hookups and forming actual relationships, so you just keep giggling because there is nothing else to do except take notes. But why? You’re banging the TA.

Stage Three: Continuation: After allowing this whole thing to actually sink in, it gets pretty awesome. Telling people you’re “going to office hours” means you’re going to bang for a halfhour, and leverage becomes commonplace: “you could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam…” It’s pretty great, if you’re into that kind of thing. Whether they’re actually in charge of your grades or not, you’re going to do better on the next exam because you can take the Billy Madison approach to studying, stripping for the right answers. Hey, positive incentives work. Stage Four: Weirdness: You thought this was going to be four-points and foreplay the whole time? Nope, it gets weird. One of you mentions a concept from class and things get uncomfortable. It actually occurs to you that this is your TA. It’s starting to seem a lot like banging your boss, except instead of monetary promotion, you just get a few extra points on your problem set. Like it or not, they’re one step above you once you walk in that lecture hall, and in the end, that sucks. Stage Five: Ending It: Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was a great run, definitely an experience for bragging, something to cross off the bucket list, but you have bigger things to start doing. It’s time to focus on banging on the 50-yard line, taking a dump at P.T.’s, and punching a Wolverine in the face. So you call it quits over a high five and exchange delightful pleasantries every Tuesday and Thursday, while keeping an eye out and making sure he’s not banging some other student, that shit is unacceptable. So if you’re wondering what it’s like to get it on with a professor—that’s messed up, what is wrong with you? Just hook-up with a TA. They’re practically your age and generally do most of the stupid things you do, so it’ll work for a few weeks. Just remember, no one wants to be that person that married their TA. Gross.

With tax returns right around the corner your friendly neighborhood The Black Sheep wanted to give all of you degenerates a better way to spend that money. Because let’s be honest, you weren’t going to pay back student loans anyway. 10.) Tacky tattoos: Exclusively to cover up the even shittier tattoos you got with last year’s tax return. Use this fat paycheck from Uncle Sam to cover up the name of your high school sweetheart turned serial killer or get a classic butterfly tramp stamp says “I’m sophisticated, but with a hint of sluttiness.” 9.) Bitcoins: Transfer all of your hard-earned American dollars into Bitcoins so you can purchase an array of schedule-one drugs all with a simple click of a button. The beauty of a Bitcoin is that it’s untraceable, so there’s no way of anyone to find out how much meth you’ve purchased! Ask your hacker friends, they’ll tell you what’s up. 8.) Sweatpants: You’re lazy, everyone knows it. That doesn’t mean you can’t have enough selfrespect not to wear pajama pants in public. Do yourself a favor and head to Meijer (Wal-Mart is for Walverines) and replace your jizz-stained pajama pants with some quality sweatpants. Cheap, comfortable and, most importantly, socially acceptable. 7.) Buy a baby: A house baby is the next best thing to a dog or cat. Search Flint Craigslist ads and you’re bound to stumble across one for a couple hundred bucks. A baby is the gateway to making your next party the talk of the town. Try out “pin the tail on the baby,” one of thousands of game ideas that a baby will provide for your entertainment. 6.) Hologram Tupac: Pour some out for the homie who’s no longer with us. With the purchase of Hologram Tupac, he could back in your life in no time. He also makes for the ultimate study guide—just program your hologram Tupac to recite notecards with you over a dope ass beat. There’s no way you can forget that on the next day’s exam. Digital Thug Life. 5.) Taco Bell: During Happy Hour you could easily walk out with over 300 Loaded Potato Grillers. Imagine the amount of power you would hold walking around campus strapped with hundreds of tacos. You’d make Mike Sadler jealous with the amount of Bell you could buy. 4.) Weekend Getaway to a Juggalo Gathering: Feeling some self-loathing and a desire to spend your tax break in the actual worst place on Earth? Head to Ohio for the annual Gathering of the Juggalos. Money can’t buy you a better time than the Inbred Faygo Freak Show put on by the Insane Clown Posse. Get ready to paint your face and shake it fast to the turbulent sounds of the clown. Woop! Woop! 3.) One Breast Implant: If you’re fed up with not having giant knockers, or just want to try something new, boobs are always a solid choice. Only one teet for now, because chances are your tax return will only cover half. One is better than none, as the kids say! You have a whole year until next tax season to decide whether or not the tig-o-bitty lifestyle is for you 2.) Mobile home: Haven’t signed up for living arrangements for next year? Buy a mobile home. You can live in a van down by the Red Cedar. They’re cheap and easily accessible, and you can pursue a part-time position as a gypsy harp player and travel around the country during the summer. Or you can completely drop out of school to pursue life as a full time-hippie. 1.) A night out with Tom Izzo: Turn up with Tom and take him out for a night in East Lansing! Drinks are on you because, well, you’re rich (for now). Begin the night out at Rick’s and shake it like the rim after a Branden Dawson dunk. When you’re too turnt for Rick’s, crash the Breslin for a private party put on by the Izzone. McDonald’s breakfast is on you in the a.m., and you might be subject to some of Tom’s early morning workouts. Beware.

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WITH NEW MANAGER, WOMEN’S INTEREST IN DETROIT TIGERS INCREASES GARRISON RASMUSSEN WROTE THIS Like any other year, the Detroit Tigers prepared for Opening Day —anticipating a new season and another promising year. But Comerica Park has seen a new demographic bear fruit in 2014: a notable increase in female fans. “We were shocked when we saw the incoming numbers,” claimed John Buckley, front office member of the Detroit Tigers, “but seeing how hot Brad Ausmus is, it does make sense.” Buckley is making reference to the growing number of women that have been attending Comerica Park for the opening week of baseball. With new Manager Ausmus in town, baseball, normally known for its popularity in the fall, is a hot topic throughout the Mitten.

ess of an old leather handbag, which, I mean, my loins were far more inflamed by Michael Kors’ fall collection,” Chambers explained. “Now though, panties are thrown by the thousands into the Tigers’ dugout game after game. I want to contribute mine, simply out of respect.”

“SEEING HOW HOT BRAD AUSMUS IS, IT DOES MAKE SENSE.” The new skipper on the block isn’t one to shy away from the limelight, and made it clear that he is well aware of his physical attractiveness.

We asked 23-year-old Detroit resident and Tigers fan Julia Chambers why she was looking forward to watching the Tigers this year, and her reply was simple:

“I’m not saying I’m the hottest thing since Ryan Gosling in Drive,” said Brad Ausmus in a recent interview, “but I’m not saying I’m not.” Despite his charm and confidence, somehow Ausmus remained humble.

“In the past, men and women alike were subjected to looking at chain-smoking legend Jim Leyland. While a decent person, Jim Leyland had all the sexual prow-

“Between my morning runs on Mission Beach, spending three hours a day in the gym, and clubbing every night in San Diego (Ausmus’ hometown) I was

pretty content with life, but I heard the sexuality quotient needed serious help in Detroit, and I thought to myself, ‘What better sexual beast than myself?’” If ticket sales are any sign, the women of southern Michigan are happy that he obliged. “Before Brad Ausmus joined the Tigers, I always thought baseball was for sour old men who felt like delaying the inevitability of death,” said Suzie Smith. “Now I understand that baseball is more than just guys hitting balls with sticks. It’s about attractive guys telling other guys how to hit balls with sticks!” The Detroit Tigers’ fandom has significantly increased, but some boyfriends are not entirely happy with this new change brought on by General Manager Dave Dombrowski. “Yes, we understand that Brad Ausmus is a young guy with all the capability in the world, but there’s something about him that we just don’t appreciate,” said Jimmy Reynolds, lifelong resident of Detroit. “I can’t seem to put my finger on

it, though.” In a The Black Sheep poll of female Tigers fans at Comerica, 89% said they would, definitely put a finger on it (Ausmus’s butt). It seems there’s one group misrepresented by this new trend, though: female fans who enjoyed Tiger baseball prior to Ausmus’ arrival are baffled as to why it took so long for others to catch on. “I mean, I’m all aboard the Ausmus train,” said Kelly Everton. “But I’ve been check-

ing out the Tigs forever! Verlander, are you kidding me? Watching JV throw lights-out while I stare at his ass has been my MLB tradition for years now.” Everton explained that she’s glad the public has been enlightened. “My fellow females, you’re welcome. Baseball is long and boring so girls can stare at guys in tight pants on hot, sweaty summer nights. While you’re crowding the dugout, I’ll be staring at Miggy,” she said. “Yes, it’s perfectly normal to have more than one Tiger.”

Name That Creepshow: A Guide to Creepy Names MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS There are a number of red flags a person can wave in order to let you know they’re bad news. Examples include still drinking bottom-shelf flavored vodka as a senior, firmly believing cats have souls, and trying to sell people things on the street. However, independent research done by The Black Sheep Nameologist Scrappy McFlabberstein suggests that one’s name can be enough of a warning to direct one away from potential trouble well before one’s forced to utter, “No, I don’t want to buy that hemp bracelet.” Here are Scrappy’s findings:

Avoid names that substitute “-eigh” for “y”: Obviously overcompensation is at play here. Why would he need all the extra letters? If a man’s name is Bradleigh instead of Bradley, he’s trying to draw attention away from the fact that he’s not Bradley Cooper. For women, it suggests that her parents wanted to force uniqueness on their child, dooming it straight out of the vag chute to a pedestrian life. Nicknames completely unrelated to real names are a no-go: Oh, your name is John but you want to be called Jack? What are you trying to hide? This person clearly has some skeletons in the closet. He keeps up with the Kardashians and likes Kim the best. We all know the Khloe is the best. Stay away from these kinds of folk, you won’t regret it. Firsts shall not be lasts, lasts shall not be firsts: Mark David, Phillip Phillip, Britney Simon. All of these are horribly redundant. If you’re dating a person with two first names, never expect anything new. They’ll always make you eat at Applebee’s, you’ll be stuck watching their favorite movie every Saturday, and your birthday present will be the same every year: grueling disappointment and a gift card. Stay away. Two for the price of one is not a bargain, unless there’s a sale on schizophrenia: Alexissandra will have commitment issues, just like her parents, who couldn’t settle on one name. Two names merged into one—expect rampant indecisiveness with any weekend plans. It’ll take three hours for her to decide where to go for dinner, what movie she wants to see, and what time she’ll meet up with you. By then, you’ll be so cranky from all the waiting that the movie you finally settled on won’t even be good anymore. Anchorman 2 again? Guy’s not a name, Guy: This fellow is going to be overly masculine in the worst ways, not the muscular ones. What kind of person has their name reaffirm their gender? Everything in a relationship with a “Guy” will be a competition. At dinner, Guy will eat more than you. If you’ve had a bad weekend, Guy had a worse weekend. If you consider donating to charity, Guy will consider moving to Africa after college to help build wells in war-torn villages. Avoid Guys. Other names that were warning signs for annoying, needy, or otherwise strange people include Jarrod and Winona. Sure, you could ignore findings that these names will guarantee a failed relationship or friendship, but we warned you. Don’t come crying to us when your Saturday night is ruined. Again.

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INTERFRATERNITY COUNCIL BANS TANK TOPS, POLICE EXPECT RIOTS GAVIN O’MARA WROTE THIS

In a stunning announcement late last night, the Michigan State Interfraternity Council has indefinitely banned tank tops, basketball jerseys, cutoffs, and other arm-baring items of clothing. The shockwave was felt around the campus, and the majority of the Greek community is furious. “This is just plain bullshit, man,” said senior Larry Kroger, member of the Delta Tau Chi fraternity. “They’re telling me that after I put in countless hours at the gym, absolutely blasting my bis and tris, I can’t show them off during gun season? What kind of society do we live in, where our student government strips our second amendment right to bare arms?”

members, or “Geeds” in common parlance inside the Greek community, are ecstatic. “Yeah I’m excited, are you kidding me?” said freshman and GDI Bart Gaines. “All fall, I would sneak into those frat parties and show up with my usual six-pack of Smirnoff Ice like the life of the party,” Gaines said. “I’d be talking to some chica, laying game about my favorite ways to use Combo-X-Change, and frat stars with their bulging muscles would steal girls from me all the time!” The fraternities are also worried about how the recent rulings will affect their chances with the campus’ sororities.

The surprising move came when the council decided it was time for local Greek gentlemen to “cover up, class it up,” noting that “the showing of arms was not something a respectable member of society would do.”

“It’s not all about looks,” said Betty Childs, member of the Pi Delta Pi sorority. “I’m not going to just go for a guy because he—oh my God did you just see that guy’s biceps? They were HUGE. Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

“It really puts me in a pickle,” Richard Bragg, member of Delta Iota Kappa, told The Black Sheep. “I’m not just going to walk around with no shirt on, mostly because I’m ashamed by my lack of chest hair,” Bragg told us. “When I’m just tossing the Frisbee, and casually crushing a sixer of craft on a nice day, what am I supposed to do, wear a shirt that doesn’t showcase my aboveaverage arms? Also, I’m kinda chubby and my guns distract bitches from my beer belly.”

So far there have been multiple, “Sun’s out, guns out” signs draped across various fraternities’ houses on campus, a silent protest to illustrate their displeasure over this ruling. There have also been multiple bro-ins, where brothers surround the Beaumont Tower, wearing their various tank tops over t-shirts. As of now, there is no plan for IFC to overturn this ruling.

Bragg continued to express his frustration. “I might as well just stay inside and murder a couple games of Beirut in the basement with the other no-pussy-getting bros.” Not all are upset, though. Many non-fraternity

The Black Sheep will continue to report on the ongoing struggle of campus bros and their quest for their right to bare arms once again. The IFC, when reached for comment, noted, “We do not plan to revoke our ruling anytime soon, unless someone can come in here and do 100 one-armed push-ups after bonging a Soft Parade.”

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January 2010

The Bar Grid

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Wednesday 4/9

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 4/10

$4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the D-Town

Half off apps ALL DAY $4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels Breakfast and Beer! Add a domestic pint for $1 $4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices), 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

All Day! $2 Domestic Bottles Not Valid on Home Game Days

$4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2!

All Day Long, all Mega Menu Items for $1 off!! AFTER 6PM: Fill your own mug (must be a mug & must be 32oz or under) of Labatt’s Blue for only $3!

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

AFTER 6PM...Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

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STUDENT RETURNS HOME LATE FROM SPRING BREAK A CHANGED MAN JACK HARDER WROTE THIS

Yesterday, missing Michigan State student Ryan VanAssche returned from a vacation to Panama City Beach during the first week of March. VanAssche went AWOL on the day of his expected departure home and his tripmates opted to leave him behind, hoping VanAssche would pursue higher sexual and alcoholic plateaus. A seasoned partier, VanAssche has been described by his friends as “really hardcore,”“a champion in the bedroom,” and “a go-getter hoe-getter.” It has been frequently mentioned that his goals for his vacation were, in his words, “titties, titties, and titties.” VanAssche’s Spartan-like reputation, however, is what makes his mysterious arrival post-spring break so interesting. VanAssche hasn’t spoken to any other media outlets until now.

“I am now a student of the Lord. Capital L,” he told The Black Sheep in an exclusive interview. “I was slammin’ two hot bitches on the beach, as I used to put it, when a group of students on a mission trip asked me if I wanted to take a break from my sinning to talk to them about my spirituality. Frankly, I didn’t want to,” he told us. VanAssche then looked towards the heavens and smiled. “They had candy though,

and I had a voracious appetite from engaging in so much coitus. I was in no state to refuse. I removed myself from the holy temple of the beautiful women that I had been engaging in pre-marital sex with, confident that she would be there a few seconds later when I had gotten my candy. However, I experienced what can only be described as the most enlightening conversation of my life.” Clearly, divine intervention had occurred in this situation, as candy and intercourse are generally not comparable incentives. When asked about this, VanAssche was pensive.

“I can’t explain it,” he said. “It was as if I was meant to talk to them. The girls I was with were both nines, but they had suddenly turned into threes. I was immediately sober and it just didn’t make sense. I should also point out that I no longer endorse rating girls on a one to ten scale. That’s derogatory, unless you’re rating their loyalty to the Lord. I really love respect and abstinence and sobriety. Mostly I love Jesus, of course.” VanAssche began to cry. He paused for a moment, clutched his wooden cross necklace, and continued.

“Within seconds, I was captivated by my new friends’ views. In the next few days, they enlightened me on new world outlooks and new ways to have fun without contaminating the body and soul that I was given. They showed me a Creed album, which I immediately downloaded on iTunes in order to avoid breaking any piracy laws. That album was the tipping point. I could not return to Michigan State quite yet – I had to spread The Word.” After slapping a copy of Human Clay down on the table, Ryan ran out of our interview, presumably responding to a higher calling that told him to influence his peers immediately. The Black Sheep then reached out to VanAssche’s family and friends for details. His mother, Carol VanAssche, explained: “Ryan’s life had been given new purpose. If Creed could change his life, how many others could be affected? He had to save them once he found Jesus.” Ryan spent the coming weeks and months spreading the Word of the Lord. Ryan’s friend and SB14 tripmate Joshua Rollins told us his strategy. “He thought of which targets would be the easiest: the

elderly. Retirement homes are where the early stages of his Creed-sade first started, rocking what was left of the minds of the elderly. Nearly immobile, they had no choice but to listen,” Rollins said. When asked about how he knew so much about VanAssche’s mission, Rollins said he was given the blueprint by VanAssche himself after returning to East Lansing. “Next, he hit elementary schools until he

was removed from the premises, then he hit the next nearest elementary school and so on. He targeted middle-aged males next, but they were already Creed fans.” As Ryan arrived back home yesterday, Creed collection and Bibles in hand, ready to spread the word of all that is Creed and Christ, his peers were as confused as they were relieved. “I’m not sure how I feel about all this,” said Rollins. “But I guess if he insists he wasn’t drugged, I have to support it.”

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BARTENDER

Relationship Status: Taken

enemy?: No words, just a smile.

Major: MSU Law school, recent graduate

What do you think Miley Cyrus smells like?: Sweat and a stripper pole. A sweaty stripper pole.

Favorite Drink: Black and tan Favorite Shot: Buffalo Trace Disgusting Drink: Urine sample

ROCKSTAR

Why do people like Fireball so much?: Because it goes down easy and leads to bad decisions. Fill in the blank: “I wish this bar had a ‘No ____ Allowed’ sign”: Screeching

OF THE WEEK Jeff of The Riv

What’s the best thing you’ve ever cooked by yourself?: Lamb chops, seasoned to perfection. Any message you would like to send your worst

What’s the grossest thing you’d ever stick your hand in a box of?: The slop bucket—leftover booze from the end of the night that collects on the mat. How would society be different if pants were never invented?: Loincloths would be highly fashionable. You’re meeting Tom Izzo—what do you say?: Keep doing what you’re doing and thank you! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: So they can stay up to speed on all the EL bar talk.

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Dictionary!

Special Time ‘Cakes

Werds kan b haard sumtimez. Butt if u no how 2 make da werds work gud then u shuld plai is game 4real.

Hey there, happy birthday! It is your birthday, right? Or at least your fake ID’s birthday? Whatever, it’s another day and it’s another reason to be merry. So celebrate because you didn’t fall on your face walking to class, or because the internet exists, or because it’s almost 4/20. Whatever honorary holiday you make up, you’re going to need some sprinkles in your life, and that’s where we come in.

What You’ll Need: A dictionary, or a dictionary app on your phone. WE GET IT DARREN, YOU’RE RICH. Number of Players: Anywhere between two and a number that can only be defined by your imagination. Level of Intoxication: DARREN, DID YOU SHIT IN THE FLOWERPOT AGAIN? FUCK. How to Play: - One person begins as the guesser. - Have one player open up the dictionary to a random page, then point to a random word. Or, do the equivalent of whatever this is on the app you’re using. - If you’re using an app, remember the definition of this word, then randomly generate two other words. - If you’re using a real dictionary, then read the words immediately above and below the randomly chosen word. - Have the reader give the guesser his word - Have the reader recite these three definitions to the guesser. - In one guess the guesser must guess the correct definition of this word. - If the guesser guesses incorrectly, he must drink. - If the guesser guesses correctly, all other participants must drink. The Game Ends When: You make it from A to Z.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You Need: 1 cup Bisquick pancake mix, 1 cup Funfetti Super Moist cake mix, 3 (or more) tablespoons rainbow sprinkles, 1 cup milk, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 2 eggs, 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar, 2 teaspoons milk, other toppings you think would be great on pancakes, like chocolate chips (or fruit, we guess). Cook Time: 20 to 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: They’re pretty, just like you are on the inside. Let’s Get Baked! - Heat your skillet over medium-high heat. - Grease with cooking spray or butter. - In a bowl, mix together the pancake mix, cake mix, rainbow sprinkles, milk, vanilla and eggs until blended. Be sure to not over-blend (something a mom told us once, so trust). - Grab a 1/4 cup measuring cup, and pour slightly less than that onto the hot griddle. - Cook until the edges start to dry and get bubbly. Don’t overcrowd the pan with pancakes unless you want one massive pancake (fine by us). Remember, patience is a virtue. - Flip those puppies over, and cook until golden brown. - Meanwhile, make your glaze by mixing together the powdered sugar and milk. - Top your stack of pancakes with glaze and add additional sprinkles and other toppings. You’re definitely going to want to Instagram the end result. Bitches love sprinkles and #specialtimecakes.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Tyrion Lannister’s

GUIDE TO COLLEGE HANNAH WEYER WROTE THIS

When picking idols from Westeros, it’s very important that you choose wisely. Taking advice from Walder Frey seems harmless when you’re shtupping sixteen-year-olds, but if you’re not careful, you could end up [SEASON 3 SPOILER ALERT] mass-murdering your King and his entire posse at his uncle’s wedding. And listening to Theon Greyjoy could get your wiener cut off and sent to your dad. It’s a tricky business. That’s why it’s important to recognize the magnificence of Tyrion Lannister, our pocket-sized Westerosi idol. Tyrion not only has never killed anyone that we liked, he lives his life by a code we can really get behind: “Fuck bitches, get money.” He’s a clever little imp with a shitty dad and incestuous siblings (something we can all relate to) and he knows how to work the business-end of a shield. Is this wine-logged, scar-faced dwarf great? Yes. The greatest? Absolutely. A standard we should hold ourselves to the rest of our lives? Pretty much. Let’s all model our lives after our favorite little monster, starting with college!

F*CK BITCHES:

Take what you can get, man. Tyrion understands the importance of poon, make no mistake. Bitches’ cold asses belong on the wall though, because they won’t touch the pintsized player. Does this bother tiny Tyrion? Bitch please. Nothing cramps this Lion’s style. When ladies don’t respond to his smooth moves, Tyrion takes his dang-ding-dong to a hooker house. He spewnds a medium-sized fortune on hookers every year, not because he got his wittle feewings hurt and needs numbing no-nos, but because he knows that to keep his brain running at optimum levels he has to bone on the reg. We can all learn something from that.

GET MONEY:

When your bank account is bottomless, so is your beer. When your beer is bottomless, so is your weekend. To party like a rock star, you need to write un-bounced checks like a rock star. How? Tyrion suggests being born a Lannister. But if you’re a loser that can’t be born a Lannister, marry a Lannister. Bang a Lannister. Blackmail a Lannister. Entertain a Lannister. Pretend to be a Lannister. Make shoes for a Lannister. Somehow get a Lannister indebted to you, because a Lannister always pays his debts. God, you really do need to find a rich friend or two.

DRINK:

Drinking is good for you. It relieves stress, protects you from dealing with your sister sober and isn’t cholera-laced water that will kill you dead. But don’t be drinking whatever like some idiot Baratheon. No, the Imp has some ground rules: 1.) Being drunk all the time is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Earn your drunkenness. 2.) Everything is better with a belly full of wine, especially your parents. 3.) Start with the cocktails and don’t touch the cheap crap until you’re too drunk to know

the difference. Don’t be a noob.

BE CLEVER:

You’re in college because you’re smart, and you’re smart because you have to compensate for that face somehow. See what we did there? That there was Grade-A eloquent snark. The clever insult is Tyrion’s bread and butter, and it can be yours too if you stop acting like a dumbass. Get your head out of that prostitute’s lice-filled crotch and into your books! A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, and honey, the sharper yours is, the more quickly you can cut through idiot [insert rival school nickname here]’s. “Maybe if you didn’t want to get pissed on, you should have worn better shoes. You banal troglodyte.” There, there’s your first one. You’re welcome.

HIT BELOW THE BELT:

Yeah, that’s a short joke. So sue us.

BE PATIENT:

Don’t have a “short” temper. Boom! There’s another one!

TYRION IS EXTREMELY SHORT:

Hahaha! We are on FIRE with these jokes!

PERSPECTIVE :

College seems enormous, and every little quiz is like another monster exam. Every little fling is a promise, every little hurdle a mountain, every little STD, AIDS. That’s exaggerating, and you’re a drama queen. Stop being a drama queen. Find the biggest obstacle you can find and laugh in its face until it feels self conscious and runs away. Face a horde of dirty, smelly mountain men and charm them to your side. Climb a mile-high ice wall and piss off the edge, you crazy bastard you! When you get to the top, everyone else looks super small for a change! Pee on them!

DRINK MORE:

Woohoo! Wine makes everything wonderful! Beer makes everyone beautiful! Vodka makes everything...vanguard! If you plan on going through life without getting taller, prettier or richer, you’d better start doing it drunker, and we don’t mean white-girl drunker! Drinking is serious business. No one’s going to take you seriously if six ales turn you into a giggly country music-listener. That’s not good drinking. That’s not appropriate behavior. Master the art of being drunk constantly. The constant drunk, like our favorite Lion, can double fist both beers AND significant plot-affecting conversations. Get to that level.

DRINK MORE:

Why are you still sober enough to read this?

SELF-ESTEEM:

Be realistic—if you’re short, be short; if you’re a dick, be a dick; if you can’t rap fo’ crap, be white. Own the shit you get shit for, because if you open with, “Hi, I’m Dennis and I can’t grow a beard,” no one’s going to turn around and say, “Wow, Dennis should change his name to “Denise,” because that is one girly face.” They won’t be all, “Do you think he has a testosterone deficiency? That poor girly bastard, let’s Photoshop boobs on his Facebook picture.” They can’t be like, ‘Did you see Denise’s mustache? Haha, she thinks she’s a guy, haha,’ because you’ve already covered that. “If you turn your weakness into armor, it can’t be used to hurt you,” unless your weakness is, like, iron maidens or something.

FAMILY:

Tyrion Lannister knows very well that family is the number one priority. Even if your sister’s a bitch that does the do with her twin, your twinbred nephew has the personality of poisoned cake, your mother is dead and your father wishes you were dead, family has to come first because they’re the ones with the non-delinquent bank account. Yeah,

Dad, I’m disappointed in my choice of career paths too. Can you help me out with rent this month?

DRAGONS:

Are dragons a metaphor for power? A symbol of the a-changing times? Heroin? It doesn’t matter. Dragons are real, and you should ignore everybody who says they’re not. Follow your dragons to the ends of the earth. Hijack them. Fly them back. Destroy everyone who ever called you fat in middle school. Burn them. Cook them. Let your dragon feast onwait, what were we talking about?

HAVE FUN:

Are you drunk yet? The best part of a functional alcoholism like Tyrion’s is that he can do all the same shit a sober Lannister can do, but he gets to do it with whiskey goggles, so it seems remarkably less shitty! Imagine being able to go to work without fantasizing about burning Taco Bell to the ground! Laughing at your geology professor’s rock jokes! Making small talk with the scary guy that’s always in the laundry room corner! The world is yours to laugh at, dance with, party on and mash erogenous zones with, so why be sad and sober? When you have serenaded yourself, drunk yourself happy, tamed some hardcore strange, found your dragon and boobs, read an awesome book, rented a couple dozen hookers, bought a couple dudes, tolerated your family, climbed a mountain, rolled around in gold coins, danced with your demons and killed a dude with a shield, THEN you will be as happy, as perfect and as awesome as Tyrion Lannister.

FIND THE CAMPUS SQUIRRELS

Can you find all the squirrels on this college campus? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

FROM THE WEB

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MIGUEL CABRERA SET TO BUY DETROIT WITH $300M DEAL ALEX EVERARD WROTE THIS News broke earlier this week of Miguel Cabrera signing a contract for 10 years in Detroit for just under $300M. Although the deal surprised some, The Black Sheep reports that Cabrera and the Tigers easily negotiated due to similar motives: Detroit wants Cabrera, and Cabrera wants Detroit. Literally. He’s going to buy Detroit. Jon Cunningham, a close family friend of Cabrera and long-time financial adviser to the future hall of famer, explained in an exclusive press conference. “Ever since the city began its financial struggles, Cabrera has been dominant,” Cunningham said. “That’s no coincidence. Miggy has been driven by a deeper desire to excel—a desire to one day earn enough to buy the city. That day has come.” Owner Mike Illitch explained that the Tigers’ desire to keep Cabrera is rivaled only by his personal desire to see Cabrera own the city. “Personally, I hate these ‘emergency financial managers’ and all the bureaucrats who claim to have our best interest in mind,” Illitch said. “With Miggy at the helm, Detroit

will rise faster than his batting average with runners in scoring position.” Citizens expressed their excitement with the deal and the promise of a new leader for Detroit. Ford Motor Company worker Jeff Tomlin was beyond hopeful. “I can’t think of a better mayor than Miguel Cabrera,”Tomlin said. “Honestly, his leadership on the field alone has been enough to inspire Detroiters, just imagine once he takes over City Hall.” When asked what his plan for a Detroit revival entailed, Cabrera pulled no punches. Through his choppy Spanglish Detroiters have come to know and love, he explained his vision: “First, World Series,” Cabrera said. “Then, we fix roads. We tear down abandoned houses. I use bat myself if I have to,” he continued. “I reinvest in the city, like the city invests in me. I believe in the city, like the city believe in me.” All that remains now are government attempts to block Cabrera’s purchase of Detroit, but so far

officials seem to have their hands tied. Legal correspondent Annette Chalmers told The Black Sheep that Detroit is as good as Miggy’s. “Cabrera needs two things to own Detroit more than he already does—money and support,” she explained. “We all know how much this city supports him, and well, did you see that contract? He’s got the money now.”

Cunningham told reporters that the deal could be inked as soon as this weekend, and sees it going just about as smoothly as his contract negotiations. “Miguel Cabrera is going to buy Detroit,” he said. “And it’s going to be the best thing that happened to the city since he put on a Tigers jersey.”

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