Michigan State - Issue 13 - 11/13/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 9, Issue 13

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

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11/14/13 - 11/21/13

A Letter to Bandwagon Union Lovers BY: Zoë Kremke Dear Michigan State Students, Many of you have noticed that the Union this year is, well, how else do we put this? The Union, post-renovation, is the shiz-nit. The food court is incredible; those burritos from Serrano’s are heavenly. Okay, they’re not Chipotle-heavenly, but they’re better than ramen. There’s a Biggby now, and the second floor Engagement Center has real computers. They’ve somehow managed to remove those creepy bugs that used to gather in the basement, and the faint smell of mold and curdled milk is gone. What we are trying to say is this: we get it. We completely understand why you people are drawn to the Union this year. Yes, we said “you people.” You bandwagon Union lovers. It’s great, a wonderful place to meet with friends, to study, or just to unwind after a lengthy day of classes before you wander through the autumn-leafcovered pathways of MSU’s fine campus on your way home, wherever your home may be. That being said, those of us who are die-hard Team Union have something to say. Stop it. We know; we’re being harsh and selfish. But seriously, cut it out. We’ve been long-time lovers of the Union, and yes, we mean that in a mildly sensual way. We hung out on the stained couches long before you yuppies started showing up, and to be honest, we kind of miss that old, curdled milk scent that use to linger faintly in the air. We’re not saying that we don’t want you to enjoy the Union, because we do. But we want you to stop taking up every seat that use to be empty. For God’s sake, we used to study at the tables by the window when there was still construction going on. We learned Math 110 to the sound of a jackhammer doing work upstairs, that’s how dedicated we are to the Union. Don’t boast about how much you “love the Union now that it’s been renovated.” It’s just not true, and we both know it. You “love” the commercial newness of it, but it’ll wear off as soon as they renovate Landon. What’ll you say then? That you always adored West Circle? Is that why you live in South Complex and only come up to North Neighborhood on your way to Conrad’s? Mhm, we’re calling your bullshit. When the women’s lounge used to look kind of like a dungeon, we were there. Where were you, newcomer? Oh, right, you were hanging out at Club Lib with all the other “dedicated” Union-goers. You sicken us, and honestly, you’re sitting in the seat we sat in every afternoon for a year, and it’s pissing us off. We would prefer it if you came, ate your food, had

your meeting, and promptly left the premises. We’re not mean enough to blatantly kick you out, but we have definitely considered poisoning your chopped BBQ chicken salad from Union Deli. We would just appreciate it if you allowed us to have some of the sweet, sweet peace and quiet that we have grown accustomed to in the Union. No more of this jibber jabbering for hours on end on Skype in the seat next to us. Because, really? In what world is the Union the appropriate place for Skyping? Get a real job.

Finally, and this will be our last request, please stay off the couch on the second floor, next to the place they call “Mosaic.” That’s our couch—we repeat: our couch. That’s a no fly zone, friends, and if we see you spreading out to take a nap on it, we will cut you. Not kidding. Sincerely, Old School Union-Fans Everywhere

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Diary of A MSU Stoner Cop

How to tell a guy It’s Not Gonna Happen. Ever.

The Inner-Monologue of a Late-Night Food Worker

When Mr. Right-For-The-Night becomes Mr. Get-Out-Of-My-Sight.

The thought process of the late-night warriors constructing your Dub.

Officer Murphy writes a day in the life of a pothead piggy.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

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#goodtimes

I don’t know why you cried when I gave back your pet hamster.

I mean, I mummified him and put him in a tiny coffin and everything!

Seriously?

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH

#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_MSU #BadTimesMan

If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

Word

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Dominear To manipulate or control men and women in close proximity to you.

of the

“Kaitlyn would dominear any man she shared the room with using her shrill laugh and overly aggressive sexuality.”

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_MSU First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Witchita State’s Wushock

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_MSU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Basketballer and Kardashian brood spawner racks up the miles on this as he pulls away from his wife. Last Week’s Answer: Craig Finnegans Wake

Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets This Thanksgiving what do you want to be stuffed with?

Andrew

“Five Guys burgers and fries.”

Eve

“Stuffing.”

Quinton

“Butt-or-Nut squash.”

Diary of a

The

Top

Michigan State Ten Stoner Cop This is Officer Murphy, your neighborhood friendly stoner cop. Not sure why I introduce myself and my profession every time I write an entry, but it just feels right, you know? Never mind, you’re not a person. At this point, my short term memory is on par with a squirrel’s.

Today a few of my P.A.C.E. buddies rolled up in their white pick-up. We baked that fucker out while signing parking tickets for hours. Well, maybe it was only a few minutes, how the hell were we suppose to know? Talk about a rush! Ron gave out 340 tickets yesterday, he said it was a slow day but I still have faith he’ll meet his monthly quota in under a week. When lunch time rolled around, me and a couple of the junior cadets smoked bongs (Is it bongs or bong? Whatever, I didn’t go to college) in the conference room and got the whole station smelling like that sweet stickyicky. The beauty of it all is that we blamed the smell on one of those couch-burning savages who go to school here. I usually arrest a few people a day because

By: Sam Metry

10.) Find out what exactly a “cornhusker” is: It can’t be as simple as “someone who husks corn”, people are smarter than that. Actually, we are talking about Nebraska here, so it probably is just someone who husks corn. Regardless, it’s worth some investigating, you’ll have time.

Dear Journal,

Yep, today started like most days, with a hefty amount of whatever confiscated “marijuana” I had laying around. Then I usually masturbate to all of the tickets I gave out the night before. I wrote up 4 noise violations in 15 minutes during the U of M v. State weekend. I blew my load in, I kid you not, under 10 seconds. That’s five seconds faster than normal, Journal, you know that!

in Nebraska

If you somehow got forced to go to the game in Nebraska, here are some things you can do to help pass the time. But seriously, if you’re in Nebraska, you need to reevaluate the lifestyle choices that got you there. Spartan Football is great and all—but would you go to North Korea if we had them on our schedule? We’ll let you mull that one over while we bail your asses out.

By: Gavin O’Mara

Journal, I love my job. Minutes after I bust one of these brainless college kids with weed I go to my car and roll up a joint while laughing at the drug possession charges I just gave them. But goddamn, these college kids get good sheeba! What’s this stuff I have right here? I believe Derrick from Hubbard Hall called it the Cleveland Steamer? Man do I love packin’ me up a fat bowl of that Cleveland Steamer.

Things To Do

9.) Attempt to get laid: People from Nebraska have no morals and are extremely obedient. It’s the one benefit of them having a 4th grade education — they’ll do whatever you say, as long as you ask nicely. Just be ready if his/her cousin breaks down the door with a farm tool and some bacon grease (perhaps looking to get in on the action). 8.) Stockpile steaks: Nebraska deserves all the credit for Omaha Steaks. Find as many of those delicious, meaty hunks as you can and throw them in your car. If you get caught, simply say you’re from U of M and you’re doing a study on converting hipster vegetarians by telling them real steak is veggie steak. Someone from Nebraska will love that shit; they hate alternative lifestyles down there. 7.) Find Larry the Cable Guy’s parents: Someone needs to pay for destroying millions of brain cells all across the country and somehow making the American stereotype even worse than it already is. Hint: Check behind the World’s Largest Truck Stop for a rockin’ 18-wheeler with someone yelling “Git R Done!” inside of it. Enter at your own risk.

they “smell like weed.” What can they do, argue with me? Ha, that’s laughable! Have you ever tried being reasonable with one of us East Lansing Cops? Oh, right, I keep forgetting that you’re a collection of wire-bound pieces of paper, and not a human capable of answering my questions. Anyway, the munchies were tackling me harder than I tackled that kid who I mistook as holding a bottle of booze. I think he had to go to the hospital, what an idiot!

“goddamn, these college kids get good sheeba!” My first thought for food was Dunkin’ Donuts, but I haven’t been allowed back there since I got too hammered, shit on a bagel slice, then smashed the poop-bagel up against the window. You remember that night, Journal — those fuckers just assumed I wanted free donuts cuz I was a cop! How dare they challenge me! Then it hit me — I’ll go to Conrad’s! Those guys love me over there. Last time I walked in they kept telling me it smelled like bacon, and I love bacon, so

I’ve gone back weekly… okay daily ever since. Can’t lie to you Journal, you know all my secrets ;). Before I left the old Cop Shop I turned on my sirens so I could cruise through all the red lights. “Oh, what was the emergency Officer Murphy?” I’m high as fuck and hungry, that was the emergency, Journal! As I finished taking a piss on the dumpster out back realized I forgot my wallet, so after I just flashed the cashier my gun. He tried to tell me I wasn’t “above the law” so I laughed, blew smoke in his face, grabbed my food and ran. What were they going to do, call the cops?! The rest of my day pretty much consisted of me smoking at various places around campus. I baked out the Hamster Cage and then arrested some long boarders for doing the same thing. Haha man, those guys really hated me. Well journal, that’s it for me today. I can’t really remember what I just wrote, but I’m sure it’s even more magical than my last journal entry... or exactly the same. Whatever I’ll see you tomorrow, until then, I’m off to dream about MIPs and the 18 year old girls I’ll make cry when I give them out. Hey, hey, hey, hey … smoke weed every day.

6.) Try to fight depression: Nebraska may be nothing but a cesspool of corn and ignorance, but remember, you’re only there for the weekend. You get to leave after the game to the glorious soil of East Lansing, the land of booty and beer. Save the suffering for the poor, lost souls that actually have to live there. At least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, for them there’s just alcohol abuse and eventual death. 5.) Smoke a ton of weed and stare at the stars: There should be minimal light pollution almost everywhere you go at night. Only 30% of Nebraska even has access to electricity, and even if we totally made that up, it doesn’t mean you should stop at any of their roadside motels and expect them to know what an “internet” is. 4.) Build a baseball field in the middle of a sea of corn and have dead MLB players come back to life and play: Oh wait, Field of Dreams was set in Iowa? Whatever, all those states are the same. Do it anyway and you’ll surely hallucinate up something wicked out of sheer boredom. 3.) Grow to understand why Ndamakong Suh is such a mean, nasty man-beast: You will only be there for a few hours, a few days at most; he was there for four years. No wonder why he’s always getting fined for trying to poke peoples’ eyes out.

2.) _____: Even our supremely witty minds here at The Black Sheep can only think of eight semilegitimate things to do in Nebraska, besides of course to just… 1.) Leave: Seriously, get out as soon as possible. That’s the best thing to do when you find yourself in Nebraska, and the only advice we can truly endorse without cringing.

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Five Ways to Tell a Guy

“It’s Not Gonna Happen. Ever.” By: Molly Burford You’re at a bar and you’ve been eyeing this cute guy all night, right? After a while, you realize he’s looking at you too. Wearing those heels is finally paying off! You take a moment to mentally congratulate yourself on your attempt at being feminine. In the middle of this, he makes his way over to you across the crowded Harper’s horizon and offers to buy you a drink. Obviously, you agree. What’s the worst that can happen, right? After all, it’s free alcohol and no self-respecting girl would turn that down. But after the first three sips of your Long Island, you realize this guy is just not for you. Ever. Not in like an “Oh, maybe if we had met a year in the future when we both have our shit together” kind of way, either. We’re talking a not in any parallel universe, not even on your lowest night after failing your econ midterm, would you want anything to do with this guy. His breath smells of stale beer and regret, his favorite band is Linkin Park and he hates dogs. Only Satan could have created such a human. However, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that the feeling isn’t mutual. He’s looking at you with the zeal of Billy Mays at a laundromat with a pile of dirty clothes and a mound of cocaine. This guy means business, and he’s ready to put a ring on it. You could potentially continue to get drunk until he’s

cute again, or keep your dignity and reject the poor guy, then continue on with your evening. We know you’re not going to take those two “easy routes,” so here are some options to help get you started:

Option One: “I have a boyfriend, so I can’t go out with you.”

This can easily dim the hopes of most respectable men, but some will still try and pursue you with the mentality that just because there is a goalie, doesn’t mean they can’t score. Sigh. In this case, survey the bar for the scariest, bulkiest man and proceed to identify him as your boyfriend. You’ll be able to slip away while your stalker is eyeing his “competition.”

Option Two: Pretend to choke on your straw, and signal him to go find help.

While he is searching, leave. He could potentially think you’re dead, and therefore unattainable. Unless he’s into necrophilia, and we don’t even want to go there.

Option Three: “I’d love to do something, but unfortunately I have to go construct your voodoo doll now.”

Make sure you twitch your eyelids after you say this and give him the most serious face you possibly can. He’ll be sprinting the other way, while you prod the doll’s legs with a pin. Or, yeah, the voodoo doll was a

Five ways to Get Out of a Hook-Up with her,

Mid-Hook-Up By: Brendon White

joke. Totally joking! No voodoo dolls over here, that’s weird!

Option Four: “I’d love to stay and chat, but my friend here wants to get going.”

Make sure you gesture to an open area to imply that your friend may or may not be imaginary. Now that’s weird. Who wants to get involved with that? Nobody, not even this lonely, smelly, cat-loving boy.

It’s 1:50 a.m. on a Tuesday and Rick’s American Café is slowly winding down. The bargoers all begin to file out the exit, along with that one 40-year-old dude who never left East Lansing. You find yourself a nice young filly and you agree to head back to her place, because it’s only right around the corner. But let’s be honest, you’re hornier than TCU’s mascot and would walk to Akers right now if that meant getting some. You finally reach your destination, Cedar Village, and you waste no time. After all the anticipation from the walk and the dry humping on the dance floor you come to a realization: you have to get out of there. This girl is crazy, a terrible kisser, and looks nothing like what you remember from the hazy basement bar. You thought she was joking earlier when she was saying she couldn’t wait to introduce you to her parents. You even laughed and said, “Ha, good joke!” While she continues to sloppily suck on your bottom lip and whispered how she can’t believe she found the one, all you can do is plan your escape. You have a few options and they all will get the job done, but it really depends on how bad you want to get out of this horrid hook-up. Piss Your Pants: You have to go anyway, why not relieve yourself on her shitty Ikea futon? You know that thing’s been through a lot by the looks of this girl, so put it out of its misery and let it flow. She’ll be so pissed off from the golden shower in your pants, you can make a break for the door. Call Her by a Different Name: Nobody appreciates being called the wrong name, but on a one night stand it can sometimes be forgiven. So you have to make sure to continue to call her by this name and insist that she is the one who is mistaken. Get so worked up that you eventually leave, because you think she’s lost her marbles.

Option Five: Be Honest?

There’s always the scary choice to just be upfront with the poor dude and tell him you’re flattered, but uninterested. Sure, it’s tough to hurt somebody’s feelings up front, especially since he bought you a drink, but you’ll be saving your time and his. Now go continue to hurt your feet in those badass heels and find yourself a real man! No cats. Cats are shady and pointless.

Tell Her She Looks Like Your Mom: Make sure to whisper it in her ear very sensually as Marvin Gaye plays in the background. She won’t know how to react at first, so follow it up with, “You even smell like her too,” as you take long, aggressive sniff of her hair. After she asks you to leave her shitty apartment, you may feel dirty and disgusted with yourself, but trust us, it was better than whatever engagement ring shopping she had in store for you come morning light. Play Dead: This one is risky, but it’s a solid play if done correctly. In the middle of hooking up, go limp. Make sure to sell it and fall hard, like a possum. The bumps and bruises will help get you a Golden Globe nomination, which in this case means not getting anyone pregnant. She will then begin to panic and run to get her roommates, which is when you make a break for it. Run you crazy bastard, run! Pump those dead man legs! Tell Her You Have an STD: This is a low place to go, but it may be a last, and necessary, resort. You’ve pissed your pants, gone limp, and told her she looks like your mom — you have to go big at this point. Just yell it as loud as you can while holding her scabby hands, like it’s a confession you need to share with her before fully committing yourself. She will be so disgusted with you that she may get physical. In this situation, stay calm, bob and weave. She’ll tire herself out and you can make your way home. Don’t feel too bad, unless you really do have herpes and gave them to her, you asshole. So next time you find yourself hooking up with a future reality show star, and not the Kardashian-kind (at least they’re hot, come on), use one of these trusted tips to make your escape. Sure they’re crazy, but so are most of the people who agree to put their mouth on your mouth.

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The Inner Monologue of Late-Night Food Workers By: Jack Harder On your wild Friday and Saturday nights (and if you’re cool, all the other nights too), there is one person who toils away to keep you in the best condition possible. Sober, stressed, and slightly agitated by your presence, these heroes of the night stand behind a cash register, diligently collecting your orders and your money. They judgmentally watch behind a stoic face as you drunkenly stumble around, dropping your wallet, your tacos, and occasionally your dignity. As fate would have it, they hate you.

and walk out as he screams obscenities at you in his head—nope actually he’s saying them out loud, and it’s not just him saying them. You’ve managed to get the entire staff going.

It’s 11:30 on a Saturday night as you not-so-casually slip past the SnyPhi card-swiper and into your own personal pizza bar. You make a mental note to anonymously mention them to MSU Crushes later, because they’re making that dirty university-issued baseball cap look, for lack of a better word, sexy. As you’re testing the limits of the soft serve machine, a pair of eyes glares at you from across the room. Mop in hand, a bearded employee menacingly glares because the ice cream has overflowed onto the floor and for reasons unknown (read: you’re hammed), you’re still pulling the lever.

As you’re ordering, another patron walks up to her scowling. How could he be given a Dub without anything in it, he angrily demands. “You literally just dropped it,” she thinks to herself as she consoles this belligerent asshole. “I can see its contents right there on the floor. A Loaded Dub too, that’s a shame. I would’ve eaten that…” She looks at you idling before the counter as the angry patron storms out, Super Dub in hand. “And that guy is covered in pizza sauce. Is that melted ice cream on his arms? How sad. Oh god I hope he realizes he’s not in his apartment, and he better not order delivery then fall asleep on our floor. Please…”

“He probably won’t even put his own tray away. These bastards never do,” he thinks as he sags his head and thinks about how, thanks to you, he won’t be drinking PBR and cutting his own jean shorts tonight. As you walk back to your table your tray slips out of your hands, sending a whole pizza and a gallon of ice cream crashing to the floor. You figure it’s high time to leave at this point, so you shoot Beardy a wink

Half an hour later, you decide it’s time for one last adventure. You head to the indigestive belly of the beast, a place where hordes of drunken freshmen struggle to hold down a Mike’s Hard as they scarf down three meals worth of fourth meal: Taco Bell.

“Shitballs,” the Menna’s delivery girl whispers to herself as you drunkenly crash into her sanctuary. Your pizza thing didn’t quite work out so you succumbed to your taste buds’ cravings and headed down Albert for a succulent Dub.

As you get in that hideously long line, the single employee stares blankly into your soul. “Dammit, I

have to make this guy some food too? I am NOT in the mood to make a Mexican Pizza right now. He should leave here and get himself an ice-cold beer. Wait a second; the guy in front of him has a joint and he’s not even concealing it. That’s bold. Should I call the cops or ask for a hit? I dunno, I’m just gonna make more tacos. God, I hate everything right now.”

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As you pass out in your twin-size, military-issued dorm bed, every one of the people you just pissed off are clocking out of their respective establishments. To them, they’ve survived another night of drunken douchebags and chaotic stress. Meanwhile, you’re just now noticing you’re surrounded by Taco Bell bags, covered in pizza sauce, and, is that melted ice cream?

The Bar Grid

January 2010

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT Thur. 11/14 Fri. 11/15

Wednesday Daily Specials: Satisfaction Saturday! Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events 20 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Free Cover! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes

Sun. 11/17

Ladies DJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $2 Coors Light, 21 22 23 Miller Lite, Labatt DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

Sat. 11/16

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Friday (except: Saturday Everyday! Wed.)

31 of Guinness, 1 Harp, Smithwicks 2 $3 Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bushmills, John Powers, 7 8 9 $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish NaDJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds chos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

$3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Thursday

29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

FRIDAY: $3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

LADIES NIGHT THURSDAY Live DJ & NO COVER $2.75 Skinnygirl Drinks $2.75 Washington Apples $2.75 Sex On The Beach

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

30 DJ Beats

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd D Donnie East Lansing MI 48823

TGI FRIDAY MEGA 80s Playing LIVE! $3.00 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Johnny Vegas and Jager Bombs

For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

$2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Specials Run Open to Close Monday - Sunday! Go Green! Go White! $2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads Go Green! $2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

TGI FRIDAY MEGA 80s Playing LIVE! $3.00 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Johnny Vegas and Jager Bombs

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze $3.50 All Flavored Vodka $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime $5 Spartan Bombs

Go Green! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines

Closed for Lions football

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Satisfaction Saturday! *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats

SATISFACTION SATURDAY LIVE DJ $2.50 Pints, $3.50 Calls

Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing

$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

SUNDAY FUNDAY! $2 Pints and 1/2 Off Pizzas Open til 7 1/2 Off Adult Beverages & Pizzas - 7 til close

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

Go Green! $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

$12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

Mon. 11/18

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells

No Cover! $3 Burgers $2 Pints, $3 Long Islands, & $3 Washington Apples (7 til close)

Tues. 11/19

Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!

$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

$2.00 Taco Bar (All-You-Can-Eat) $2.75 Tequila $2.75 Margaritas $3.75 Pitchers

NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wed. 11/20

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1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

HALF-OFF WEDNESDAY JERRY SPRAGUE On Top Of The Bar DJ DONNIE D - On Stage 1/2 OFF almost EVERYTHING

Thur. 11/21

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt and Bud Light Drafts $3 Bud Light Platinums

Thirsty Girl Thursday! DJ LEE $3.50 You-Call-It $3.50 Scary Shots

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

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Pistons Kind-of, Preview uh...

By: Tom White

Knock, knock! Who’s there going hard in the paint? The ‘STONNNS! That’s right basketball fans, the Detroit Pistons are relevant again. No longer do we have to keep them hidden away with Michigan’s other dark secrets like all those dead, cold hookers, the Kwame Kilpatrick murder, or the entire city of Muskegon. Will we win a championship? Highly unlikely. Will we even make it past the first round of the playoffs? Probably not. Will we dunk the ball a whole fucking bunch? Damn straight we will. To celebrate the ‘Stons being watchable again, The Black Sheep is here to breakdown your 2013-2014 Detroit Pistons. Buckle up, buttercup. COACH: Our coach goes by Mo Cheeks. Just let that little piece of information settle in for a second. All signs indicate that he is mediocre at best, and probably won’t be around an incredibly long time. But come on, if he ever wants to be a stripper or something after he gets fired in a year and a half, he won’t even need an alias. That counts for something in our book. Grade: D+

BACKCOURT: Exciting news! Brandon Jennings is here! Rodney Stuckey still looks like 50 Cent! Chauncey Billups came back! While Chauncey can’t do what many people would describe as “run” or “play defense” anymore, we don’t give a shit. Mr. Big Shot and his enormous set of testicles are back to hit clutch shots, rain transition threes and not be the turnover machine most of our other guards will be. As for Brandon Jennings, he’s kind of crazy but in a fantastic way. A lot of those ESPN-types complain about his “bad shot selection” and “poor advanced stats.” Well, cry us a river out of your one normal eye, Stuart Scott. Stats are for baseball fans. This guy can flat-out play, and more importantly he’s exciting. With Chauncey as a mentor, look for Brandon “Il Roma” Jennings to go off this year. Grade: C FRONT COURT: Andre Drummond is here to save Detroit basketball and return it to the glory days of “Deee-troit Baaas-ketball!” If you haven’t yet, do yourself a favor and watch him play. Andre is allergic to jump shots and that’s perfect because he can

unleash soul-shattering dunks over anyone in the league at any time. Not to mention all his blocks and his freakish rebounding ability. Drummond owns the paint, Sherwin-Williams style. All hail Andre Drummond! All hail dunking! The rock of this team will obviously be Greg Monroe. Expect this to be the year he finally averages a double-double and makes it on the all-star team. Never will you see someone so thoroughly unable to jump be so damn good at basketball. Greg has more spins and shakes than Mick Jagger in a drying machine. In order to shine some light on the Charlie V. situation, Josh Smith’s evaluation will be brief. Josh, please stop shooting long twos but keep on jumping super

high and being a great passer. Now, where were we? Ah yes, what is there left to say about Charlie “Bet I Can Fit That All in My Mouth” Villanueva that hasn’t already been said about genital warts? They’re both disgustingly big, horrible to look at, and shouldn’t be around children. This chubby, bike-seat-sniffing turd has never met a lazy three point attempt or a stick of butter he didn’t love. Shame on you Charlie, shame on you indeed. Grade: B+ Overall, expect an up and down year where we sneak into the 5th or 6th seed and get bounced in 6 games. More importantly, expect lots of blocks, lots of dunks, lots of bricked jump shots, and lots of entertaining basketball, which is all that really counts in the end, isn’t it Detroit fans? Don’t answer that.

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crossword

American Holidays ACROSS 2) Held every November 11th. 4) Or, Singles Awareness Day. 5) Celebrate the beginning of a new year on the Hebrew calendar, two words. 6) March 8th is a day to celebrate this perfect species. 7) This day happens every four years on January 20th. 10) The Friday after Thanksgiving is this color. 12) The third Monday in January celebrates the what of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.? 14) We celebrate this Saint by dyeing the Chicago River green. 16) Important Jewish holiday that occurs in the spring. 17) The Friday before Easter. 18) Bill Murray celebrates this day over and over and over. 19) African American holiday starting on December 26th.

DOWN 1) 8-day Jewish holiday in the winter. 3) Earth Day is a celebration of what? 8) The day to celebrate ‘MURICA!!! 9) This day marks the end of the Ten Days of Penitence, two words. 11) Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexican army defeating which army? 12) A day for planting trees. 13) Gettin’ crazy in New Orleans, two words.

N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK

ETING | PROMO

APPLY ONLINE AT

G ! TIONS |

SALES

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Major: Competitive experimental sculpure Favorite Drink: Chocolate milk Favorite Shot: Captain Kirk Disgusting Drink: Beer If you could replace the turkey as Thanksgiving’s centerpiece, what food would you replace it with?: Flamingo. What three items go in your college cornucopia?: Booze, books, and dropping out when I was 18. What balloon would you float in the Macy’s Day Parade?: Starship Enterprise.

Alex of PT O’Malley’s Drinking Game

How concerned are you that the turkey getting the presidential pardon ends up spending a bunch of your hard-earned money on Obamacare?: Fine with it. What fast food item would be better if it were made with turkey?: All Taco Bell things. How racist is the phrase “BLACK Friday”?: It’s not racist, it’s based on Jewish beliefs from the 19th century. But for real, dark meat or light meat?: I’m a humanitarian, I don’t eat that. What if turkeys were actually made out of horses?: I’d be sad because I once killed a turkey at a party. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because they paraphrase my jokes to make them easier for you to read.

Recipe for disaster

Canoe Race

Brownout-of-Your-Ass Burrito

A throwback to the high school garage party days. The Canoe Race is a quick game of a 2-person flip cup and pong hybrid that will get you belching and buzzing in no time flat.

This is one of those meals that you wouldn’t eat unless you were somewhat inebriated. Okay … very inebriated. This burrito will satisfy all your needs when you return to your apartment without a slampiece, and fall back on eating to make up for your lack of game. And it saves you money not having to buy it at Chipotle.

What You’ll Need: 16 red cups, 2 ping pong balls, a table and beers. Number of Players: 4 players Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a lot in ya pretty fast. How to Play: - Split up into two teams of two and stand on opposite sides of the table, each team having one ping pong ball. - Set up four cups in front of each person, Bozo Buckets-style. - Pour beer into each cup, about a quarter of the way up. - When you’re ready, the first people with the ping pong balls try to shoot across their table into their partner’s cups. - If you make a cup, your partner has to chug the beer in the cup and flip it onto the table. - Once your partner completes this, they shoot the ball back across the table to your cups. When they make it, you do the same—chug the beer, flip the cup and keep shooting. - There are no pauses in this game, so don’t wait for the other team to shoot or anything like that. The only time you have to wait before shooting is while your teammate is flipping their cup. They have to have that completed first before taking their turn. The Game Ends When: All of your team’s cups have been flipped!

download our free app for all the games!

What You’ll Need: An oven, a microwave, Easy Mac, pizza rolls, a tortilla, Tabasco sauce, chopped lettuce, hot peppers and any other toppings of your choice. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll poop it out. No big deal. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the pizza rolls in the oven and let them cook for 15 minutes. - When the pizza rolls are done cooking, take them out of the oven. While they’re cooling off, put the Easy Mac in the microwave for 3 minutes. - Once the pizza rolls have cooled off, wrap them up in the tortilla. - Pour the Easy Mac on top of the pizza rolls. - Drizzle Tabasco sauce over everything, as much or as little as you want. - Put the lettuce and hot peppers on top, along with any other garnishes that strike your fancy (shredded cheese, anyone?). - Roll it up burrito-style and chow down. Mmm, tastes even better when it comes back out.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com

INTERVIEW: TODD SKLAR

The Black Sheep Interviews: Indie Director Todd Sklar

By: Brendan

“Film director,” you think flashing lights, red carpet treatment, the power to just…Steve if you don’t get this take right you are finished in this town, do you hear me?! Not so fast, what about those directors still hauling themselves up one rung of the Hollywood ladder at a time? Todd Sklar is one of these indie directors, and with his recent release, Awful Nice, making the rounds, we decided to chat with him to see what the life of an up-and-coming director is actually like.

Todd: It’s definitely destroys any ability to have a normal life. If you want to be doing it, it’s all-encompassing. It’s bad. You’re always doing work, thinking about doing work, finding work, doing work to get more work, if you’re not working you feel like you’re wasting time… Any career where you’re in a situation where you’re pursuing something outside of that nine-to-five, you have to work nonstop to get there, whether it’s a start-up, even an athlete. It’s all-encompassing if you want to be good.

The Black Sheep: You were a college student who dropped out to pursue a career in film, what was the impetus for that? Todd Sklar: I had an absolute blast in college. I loved it. I probably didn’t work hard enough studying, but I’d say I used most of what I’d learnt in college—both inside the classroom and out—after I left the University of Missouri. It helped me in the career I chose, but also helped refine what I wanted to do in that career. It was finding passion in filmmaking, and realizing the career I was looking towards was not one you typically go to college for, then landed a job after. I should note that this was halfway through my fifth year of college—I was a fifth-year senior when I recognized that a degree in theater acting would not help me become a filmmaker.

TBS: You say you fell into directing to better convey your writing vision, how do you balance working with people, but getting across the vision you set for yourself? Todd: I don’t know. I’ve only done a few features, I don’t know if I’ve figured that out yet, because in my experience, I’ve had great people and horrible people. The great people, they’re doing things and helping you through things that are so big, that these talented people help you make your ideas better. It’s incredible. I’ve had the other side too, people who are miserable to work with that and extremely unable to do the job they’re supposed to do. In that case it’s the most frustrating thing in the world, but you can’t do it any better either. It’s very dependent on the people you’re working with. It’s more about them than it is about you.

TBS: How do you get to the point where you’re directing your own films? Todd: I started making shorts, trying to learn how to make movies. I made a lot of bad ones for a while. I made like, fifteen horrible, horrible short films before I made one that was kind of good. I made my second one that was okay, and it was so much work I decided I wanted to make a feature next. After that, I had an idea that was a feature, I was 23 at the time, I watched 3 movies a night with DVD commentary. I gave it a go to see how it works. It was a learning experience—you learn while you’re doing it. TBS: What does a director do, exactly? Todd: I come from a different background than a lot of directors. I never wanted to be a director, I always wanted to be a storyteller, and writing always comes first. Directing, for me, is making sure what comes out is the story that we wrote. As a result, I’m very much an actors’ director. All you’re doing is trying to get a bunch of other people to do things with you and for you, to get your story across. Usually you’re doing that because you can’t do what they do. If I knew how to get great sound, I could do it, but there’s a guy who is doing it because he’s better at it than I am. He can elevate my results. It’s a pretty humbling, and uh, terrible job. TBS: How all-encompassing is what you’re doing?

INTERVIEW: TODD SKLAR

TBS: Your new movie, Awful Nice, how did that change or mature over the span of the creative process? Todd: It changed drastically. We did not have a very good shoot on this movie and the final movie is a shell of the script we wrote. In a weird way it became its own movie when we were shooting it, and again when we were editing it. The movie came out with a lot more physical comedy, a lot quicker, punchier than the script. Films, in a lot of ways, become indicative of what you’re going through at the time, and this film in specific, I was going through some growing pains, and the movie reflects that. TBS: Are there benefits to sticking in the indie genre, or is it more people do this so they can go to a studio? Todd: For me, the stories I’m interested in telling and the style I’m interested in telling them tend towards mainstream commercial sensibilities. To be able to transition from independent filmmaker to studio filmmaker you either need to have a lot of confidence and trust in people you’ll be working with, or you have to have a complete lack of care for your story, or it has to be about your career, or you have to be obsessed with the technical side of things. For me, I’m not a technically gifted filmmaker, so transitioning from an independent filmmaker to a studio filmmaker has a lot to do with confidence in myself as a filmmaker. I’ve had an opportunity for studio work, but it’s not something I’m dying to do quite yet.

INTERVIEW: TODD SKLAR TBS: And speaking of the difference between studio and indie movies, with Awful Nice, you have a pretty big star in Christopher Merloni. Were you concerned at all with if or how he’d pull weight? Todd: All of my problems thus far with filmmaking has come from crew, not from the actors. There’s very much this level of professionalism—I’ll say this: When you have trouble with actors, they’re not invested in the project. In Awful Nice, all of the actors were invested in the project, and they were so helpful in covering up some chaos created by the crew. Very fortunate to have actors like that, and Merloni specifically was exceptionally helpful, not just as an actor, but as a mentor, a guy who came in and gave notes in a script that had nothing to do with his character.

“For me, there’s

two goals:

To tell the story in the best way possible, but to also get better in telling the story.”

TBS: How do you deal with outside criticism, both positive and negative? Todd: You have to take it with a grain of salt. But, for me, there’s two goals: To tell the story in the best way possible, but to also get better in telling the story. So, both positive and negative criticism help better that process by letting you know what you did well, or if someone’s critiquing something, it can tell you what you could be doing better, or where you may have failed story-wise. TBS: Is this a good time, historically, for someone who wants to get involved in moviemaking to do so? Todd: It’s the best time in the history of our existence to be doing this. At the same time, I think the danger to that is that it’s something you can do for a while before you realize it’s not what you want to be doing. I equate it to joining the army. I assume that if you join the Army, you’ll figure out pretty quickly whether or not it’s for you. Filmmaking isn’t like that. Especially nowadays, there’s so many ways to work that you can do it for five or ten years before you realize it’s not for you. There’s such a low barrier of entry, that there’s also such a low barrier to getting more deeply involved with it. The playing field has leveled out quite a bit. TBS: On IMDB a user named JonCharbineux writes, “Todd and Alex came home with my one of my roommates, who was trying to get laid, but they ditched her and stayed up watching die hard with me our other roommate until about 4am. We made ice cream pancakes and popped in Die Hard 2 and I passed out shortly after. When I woke up the next morning, Todd was in my bed and Alex was in Ben’s (my other roommate) and we were both on the couch. We found out later that they stole a bunch of our beer and a box of trisquits. WTF? “ Care to comment? Todd: Wow, when did that happen? That definitely sounds like something I’d do, but not recently. When was this written? TBS: April 2010. Todd: Oh yeah, I know exactly who that is, and yes, that did happen. 2010 was a weird year for everyone.

INTERVIEW: TODD SKLAR

Guess The Coach

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