MSU SPRING ISSUE 13 by The Black Sheep

Volume 12

The Black Sheep

FRE E! L ik pai e a ho r of me jort ma s... de

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 13

THINGS TO DO AT MSU:

A REMAKE OF THE MSU CAMPUS GUIDE Albert Macklin wrote this

As a student at MSU, you’ve walked by them dozens of times, but never paid them much attention. MSU Visitor’s Guides are scattered around campus’ central locations, letting parents and other randoms know about the cool places to park their cars and walk around. The Black Sheep realized just how lame this guide was, and decided to make one of our own.

Parking: Unfortunately, you can’t park anywhere on campus. A quarter technically gets you eight minutes, but if you’re a millisecond late, the spawn of Satan (referred to lovingly on campus as “fucking PACE”) is there to hand you a parking ticket.

1) THE CORNER OF ALBERT AND M.A.C.

This is the first place any visitors should find themselves, as it puts them at the center of the campus’s bar district. Grab a beer from Harper’s brewery, sip a margarita on the roof at El Azteco, or choose from a wide selection of craft beers at HopCat. Drunkenly waste some time at Pinball Pete’s before heading to Conrad’s or Menna’s, or on Mondays, head across the street for a $2 Peppino’s Pizza.

6) THE ROCK

This central campus location is known not only for having a giant rock that gets painted every day, but also for giving out free stuff. Stroll by and pray that there’s a stand giving out free t-shirts or candy bars. Take all the pillage you can, and don’t forget it’s for a good cause.

7) BEAL BOTANICAL GARDENS

There are few sights more beautiful than the Spartan Stadium scoreboard lit up at night. Gaze at the massive stadium whenever you can, getting lost in the memories of all the bowls the Spartan Dawgs have won in the last few years.

9) STARBUCKS

You can find overpriced coffee just about anywhere on this campus. The Botanical Gardens are not only beautiful, but also View the ridiculously long line at Wells Hall, enjoy the drive-through secluded. Blaze up and look at all the plants, and you’ll on Grand River, or reward yourself for braving the “art museum,” all soon be marveling at their useful medicinal properties. while enjoying the traditional White Girl Special.

2) THE RED CEDAR RIVER

The river made famous in the MSU Fight Song is known for more than running through the nation’s greatest university. Peer into its depths and try to spot its most revered inhabitant: the used bicycle. If you find one, wade in and grab it for handy campus transportation!

3) MEXICAN FAST FOOD

Walk down Grand River Avenue and grab a burrito on any block. Whether you’re at Moe’s, Taco Bell, Chipotle, Qdoba, Pancheros, or even the Union’s Serrano’s, you’ll surely be stuffed and satisfied. Take the campus challenge and try to eat a burrito at each joint in one day! Don’t forget Los Tres Amigos!

4) WELLS HALL LAWN

The lawn outside Wells Hall is always bustling with activity. No matter what religious zealot you prefer, you’ll find him here! If you’re lucky, you might even see religious rivals get into heated, ignorant debate!

5) MSU DAIRY STORE

Want something soft to the touch, delicious on your tongue, and impossible to pronounce that isn’t a Russian whore? Try MSU-made Sesquicentennial Swirl, the best cake batter ice cream you’ll ever eat!

8) SPARTAN STADIUM

APRIL 15TH 2015 - APRIL 22ND 2015

10) MSU UNION

The Union not only contains a bank, a Biggby, and another Dairy Store, but it also serves as a great place to study. Generally, The Black Sheep defines “studying” as sipping from a flask while making sex jokes about the building’s artwork, but you can “study” using any method you prefer.

11) THE CYCLOTRON

Nobody really knows what it actually is, but they know damn well that it’s important. The Cyclotron is a major point of pride at MSU, despite the fact that it likely houses a Decepticon.

12) THE STATE NEWS HEADQUARTERS

The State News is like the New York Times of MSU, minus the credibility, respectability, and readability. Its HQ, however, looks really cool. Watch out for a number of Kodak Moments as you pass the impressive front pages that adorn its windows.

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Adelaine Lazzel

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Alex Everard

EDITORIAL MANAGER Max Harder

HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGER Alli Rayburn

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Jake Swindell, Andrew Meggert Carly Sullivan

PHOTOGRAPHERS Siobhan Findlay, Damani Gatewood

WRITERS Sam Metry Katelyn Hallup Max Harder, Danielle Jacosalem Justin Sienkowski, Halie Woody Andrea Jablonski, Victoria Martin Becky Stanish, Katherine Smythe DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Garrison Rasmusen

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

COCKFLOCKED When your wingmen all help a brother out and you get mad chicks.

IVY SHERWOOD

Last night I couldn’t keep the ladies off me, man! I was cockflocked, I was banging girls all night.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE TERRIBLE PUNS CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepﬃti and we’ll send you a prize!

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A BOX OF 5,000 SPIDERS? CHLOE

“Cry and then run away.”

ROBERT

“Find a way to ship it to one of my least favorite professors.”

GIGI

“Send them to a professor that loves to study spiders or bugs in general.”

PAY ME!

A COLLEGE GUIDE TO DOING YOUR TAXES Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this

THE TOP TEN

Free and For Sale items at MSU If you’ve never looked through MSU’s Free & For Sale page on Facebook, you really haven’t been using your time wisely. Here at MSU, you can sell or give away just about anything your heart desires no matter how wacky it is. The Black Sheep has compiled a list of the top ten most intriguing posts this year. 10.) Selling a half-eaten bag of baby carrots; must go soon before they expire next week: These were actually once Brady Hoke’s. He bought them while I was behind him in line. He munched on them for a moment, but he could only eat halfway through the bag before announcing that he needed to find the nearest Arby’s to get a Big Montana. 9.) Willing to trade my newborn baby for Conrad’s Tots: I just really want to get rid of this damn baby. It won’t stop crying. I’m not asking for much, just some tots. If you want a baby and also want to feed a very hungry lady, come with tots to room 615 in East Akers.

Another tax season has come and gone, and it’s likely that you now have a lot of questions about how you should have done your taxes as a college student. Lucky for your broke ass, your friends at The Black Sheep have all the answers. First, what are taxes? Well, legend has it that Abraham Lincoln found the first income tax while hunting injustice near his Illinois log cabin. He took the tax home with him and nursed it back to health, and once he became president, declared that everyone should have to pay him a little bit to do president-y things. Should you file taxes? Good question! If you are a functioning member of society who worked and earned money from a job last year, you need to file your taxes with the good ol’ I-to-theR-to-the-S, even if you’re an international student. Now, some of you may say, “But The Black Sheep, I didn’t work at all because my Golden Child Scholarship or grant money paid for both my tuition and my hella expensive textbooks. Do I still have to file taxes?” Slow down there, Richie Rich. Did you use scholarship or grant money to pay for something other than tuition or required books? Things like a meal plan, a banana costume, or an extra large bag of Bruegger’s Bagels? Because if you did, then those Benjamins are taxable by The Man, so get to filing, you Leading Scholar asshole! Right about now, you’re probably wondering if you qualify for any of those magic and mysterious money gnomes called “tax credits.” If you pay for your college, then congratulations! You can deduct up to 2 g’s thanks to the Lifetime Learning Credit, or LLC. If Ma and Pa pay for your college, go ahead and call them up, because they qualify for the LLC instead! They’re sure to appreciate the break they get from paying thousands of dollars for you, their beloved offspring, to spend all day sleeping off a hangover instead of going to your IAH. You also qualify for the aptly named Hope Credit for the first 2 years of college, so if you’re a freshmen or a sophomore, take a break from the war on the freshmen fifteen and file your taxes while stuffing your fat face with some delicious Dairy Store ice cream. Now that you know more than your average congressman about how taxes work, head on over the IRS website and start filing yours. At some point, you’ll be asked for your Social Security Number. This is extremely private information, and before you enter it, make sure you’re alone and nobody is watching you. Find someplace secluded were no bystanders can see your screen. Your 8 a.m. class, the MSU Museum, or Deja Vu on a Monday morning should all be empty enough. While you’re filling in your earnings information, make sure you account for any “under the table” income you may have collected from jobs like babysitting, waitressing, or dealing hard drugs. If you made more than four hundy from those cash-only lines of work, you need to let Uncle Sam know. If you’ve finished this part, then congratulations! You’re smarter than Al Capone. If you’re finished, then the only thing left to do is sit back and wait for that juicy tax return. That, and reflect on the fact that you just learned more about paying your taxes from a newspaper that makes poop jokes than in the entirety of your time in public education.

8.) I am desperate to know what it’s like to be inside of a vagina: Problem is, I’m socially awkward and I have a micropenis. I also lack basic hygiene and I get boners just by looking at girls. Like any girl at all. I will pay any girl a thousand dollars from my student refund check to get my dick wet. Serious inquires only. 7.) Barely used anal beads $20 OBO: I just broke up with my girlfriend after we tried out anal beads for the first time. I only got one in her booty hole before she decided we weren’t going to work out. They’re real nice and glow in the dark. 6.) Tom Izzo’s pee $1,500 no negotiating: I work with MSU facilities and went into the bathroom after Izzo and by the grace of God he didn’t flush. His piss is only going to increase in value so this is a steal. Text me if you’re interested. 5.) Free Futon in South Case: It’s pretty comfortable actually, just needs to be washed. I don’t really know how many times I’ve had sex on this damn thing, but I’m hoping someone will take it off my hands. 4.) Big-ass Yacht $500,000 OBO: I stole a yacht while on vacation in Panama for spring break. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I don’t really know where to put it. I’ve had it chilling in the Red Cedar, but it’s only a matter of time before PACE comes after my ass. 3.) Giving away my Combo-X-Change for the rest of the semester in exchange for someone to play UNO with me: I can’t seem to find anyone on this campus who wants to throw down in a game of UNO, but if you’re interested I will give up my Combo-X-Changes for the remainder of the year. 2.) As-seen-on-TV Booty Pop $30: Thanks to the Freshman Fifteen, I’ve finally achieved the bubble butt I’ve always wanted, and no longer need my Booty Pop. If you’re lacking an ass and want to take super-hot selfies with your rump roast looking plump, then you need to cop this Booty Pop. 1.) Sex tape with Wells Hall Preacher. Free: I made a hot sex tape with the Wells Hall preacher and I want to expose his naughty side. This dude is anything but a saint, and you can see for yourself right here. Skip to 10:52 for heavy ass eating action.

Halie Woody wrote this

An Ode to the Un-Smartphone Stephanie Burnham wrote this

This one’s for you, flip phone, pay-by-the-minute phone, and any other un-smart phone users overlooked. You are impressive and resilient, standing tall, unyielding to the infinite push for connection. Touch screens, apps, distractions, and more fun from a phone — you deny all of these for reasons we, as smartphone users, don’t entirely understand, but imagine are most noble. Perhaps your choice to continue living an existence un-smart is to tell corporate America, “Fuck you!” Perhaps it is due to the empty feeling left in your soul and your pocket when 100 plus dollars must be shelled out. Perhaps it is because a smartphone remains uninteresting, the folly of a technical age. This last one we refuse to believe though. Have you seen the cases? The graphics? The software? The new watch thing? The possibilities?! You remain unconvinced, and yet stronger than we, as smartphone users, ever could hope to be. Stronger because you have not given into technological “necessity,” though we imagine you have become quite an annoyance to your friends. Resistance only remains cute so for long.

You remain an individual among what appears to be a whopping total of 13 students remaining without a smartphone. For this we imagine your intellect to be impeccable — your eyes sharper, your countenance that of determined resistance. But above all we admire your ability to use maps, physical paper maps. Or even MapQuest for that matter. This is an accomplishment in itself which you alone posses. A dying art that perhaps 11% of the millennial population has grasp over. In a bout of honesty, we may ask you: Do they even make maps anymore? How far is an inch? Can you actually read this thing? and we hope that you will answer with honesty and humility. Our ignorance is not our fault, it is the fault of Steve Jobs. The bastard. We follow the blind commands of a woman we do not know, but she remains more reliable than the intellect of three “smart” phone users combined. Knowing that we would not last an hour wandering the world without our trusty computer phones, we pray that you, un-smart phone user, never become lost on that road trip across the country, and, more importantly, we pray

that you do not find yourself lost while maneuvering your drunken self from the Lodges to Cedar Village in nothing but a beer-stained bro tank and constricting pastel shorts during the dead of winter. You are a dying breed, aware of the slow, and what we imagine to be an isolating, demise. We want to connect with you through such nonsensical fun as Snapchat, sharing our stories and our lunches and our faces. We want t bring you into the infinite wonder of #hashtagnation, and eventually get you creating and using your own. We want to connect with you on a technological level, something than remains stronger than blood because it is stored in the ether. But we are unable to make this connection. You appear too content, sliding your phone apart and pressing letters, hidden under numbers of a keypad. Your thumbs must be tired, and your existence a worrisome enigma the world must learn to accept. So type on! Call on! Resist on, un-smart phone user! You remain a dinosaur among cyborgs. We value your difference.

Suspected Reptilian Activity At Broad Stephanie Burnham wrote this

Around 1 a.m. last night, a strange figure was seen walking among the grasses just outside the Eli Broad Art Museum. Witnesses say this figure was roughly 10 feet tall with slick skin that glittered in the moonlight. The figure appeared to be surveying the weird sloth skeleton picture on the grass outside the museum. At this time, the MSU Police have looked into the matter, but have found no conclusive evidence as to the being’s existence. As far as they’re concerned, this is just some huge basketball dude with a thing for sloth anatomy and other strange art. They are wrong. The suspected figure seen outside of the Broad fits the description of a Reptilian, an alien race originating from a planet in the Orion constellation. You know that one you can always point out in the sky that looks like a belt? Looks like it’s actually the bane of your existence. This race is no good. Their intention is to enslave the human race and force them to work until the end of time. Some would argue that they have already succeeded, but who knows? We’re going to college to get a job because we want to, not because we’ve been told to, right? The thought that there are Reptilians on campus with a home base at the Broad isn’t that far of a stretch. Think about it: The Broad is called the “Spaceship,” perhaps quite literally because

it is from outer space. That’s the only possible reason that anyone would construct such an intriguing parallelogram of wonder right on the edge of the historical district. This placement is also strategic. It’s right on the main road, so if there is ever need for expansion of their malignant agenda —say manipulate 40,000 MSU students to storm every burrito spot on Grand River — it’s sure to be no problem. Also, if you ever walk inside of the Broad you can feel the weird juju radiating from certain employees. Often seen dressed in all black and wearing some strange radio device, these employees slink around with their hands behind their backs keeping a keen eye on you and your movements in relation to the art. Reptilians are known shape-shifters, so don’t be surprised if these employees look beyond innocent and human. A closer look will reveal that their irises are more slits than almonds, their noses more flat than jelly roll, and their skin scaly and in desperate need of moisturizer. So the question remains, why would Reptilians run their operations out of an art museum? The most logical explanation is the audience they are looking to control. Reptilians reportedly have a strong hold on the government already, and even our dear Lou Anna K. Simon has been quoted saying quite a few suspicious things including, “Bow down to the almighty Spartan!” “My life force is low, I need a burrito,” and “I am only president so that I can ruin lives.” So it seems only logical that the Reptilians would be going after the culture,

after those who seem to be showing a taste of resistance. We do feel this is vitally important to share because, MSU, you are being fed lies! The police have reported finding no “conclusive” evidence, but that is no surprise. If this Reptilian theory is correct we suspect they have been manipulated or exist as members of the Reptilian race already. If this isn’t freaking you out, it should be. Go take a look at the exhibit of what East Lansing will look like in 2030. The figurines in the beautifully crafted diorama — they have tails.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A RUN-DOWN OF STUDENT ATHLETE DAILY FASHION Becky Stanish wrote this

If you’ve ever had a student athlete in one of your classes, you might have noticed that their fashion choices tend to stagnate throughout the week. All we see is green on green on green… but are we just ignorant? We understand little of the inner calculations of an athlete as they sift through their closet. Fortunately for you judgers, The Black Sheep gives an exclusive insight on the true workings of a fashionable student athlete. Monday: After a rowdy weekend of practice, it’s a green and green day. This look is effortless and great because it’s both fashionable and practical. If an athlete ever wants to skip practice, they can easily lie in a lush patch of grass for a couple hours without anyone really noticing. Who knew? This campus would look like a big fatty meadow if we all got our shit together and started taking after our beloved athletes. Imagine the amount of squirrel action we would get. Tuesday: The weekend is nowhere in sight, and Coach is on all the athletes’ asses because they were lying in the grass the day before. The athletes are a tad pressured to look put together, so today they mix it up with a white shoe selection. This clean, crisp element boosts their confidence and consequently blinds all the dirty non-athletes with a fresh-to-death look. Wednesday: Don’t think that student athletes forget hump days. With their sweet bods and that postpractice glisten, they can pretty much get anyone to agree to a fantastic mid-week, consensual humping. Today they ditch the green, and lay out the sexy with 50 shades of grey, wearable items. When you’re an athlete, wearing a groutfit isn’t the grossest thing in the world. It’s a wonderful way to show off a sensual sweaty glow, while remaining approachable and just plain snuggly.

Twitter @BLACKSHEEP_MSU

Seriously though, if Travis Trice were to show up right now on your doorstep looking snug as a bug, what kind of things would you do to become immediately impregnated by him? (Male or female. You’d find a way. Arnold Schwarzenegger did in the movie Junior.) Thursday: Imagine how hard it is to be a student athlete, with all the unprecedented attention and free tuition or whatever. Sometimes the unwanted stares and the occasional 2 p.m. blowjobs get to be tiring. On Thursdays, athletes prefer to look like the rest of us as best as they possibly can. They find all the random assortments of greens and whites and throw them together. Outsiders might see this as a frazzled and testosterone-driven attempt at an outfit, but it should really be seen as a desperate effort to be normal. Maybe one day, student athletes. Maybe one day. Friday: All of East Lansing is DTF for the weekend, but where are the athletes? Really. Where did they go? Oh, pish posh. Of course everyone knows that all of the student athletes are somewhere on campus naked. Have you found a Friday Naked Athlete? It’s like an Easter egg hunt, but in the end you get to see someone’s kickbutt abs. This MSU tradition is convenient for student athletes because by this time during the week they have exhausted their fashion options. Go on, now. Find your birthday-suited-up athlete! And on the weekends, the student athletes must have their clothing cleaned by the Clara Bell slaves, as promised in their contracts. Now don’t you feel bad for assuming all athletes wore the same outfit every day? Fashion is poetry, and at MSU, our student athletes are Robert Frost’s older brother’s college roommate.

THE BAR GRID

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday-Friday ‘til 4:30pm: Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Sandwich, Fries & Pop $5.99 Happy Hour ‘til 7pm: Wells $1.75 and Mugs of Beer $0.75 off

MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

TUESDAY: Dollar Deal Day! $1 Hot Dogs, Ice Cream Sandwiches and Pepsi! First pitch is 7:05 PM

THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

THURS. 4/16

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 ﬂavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

Every Thursday is Labatt Thirsty Thursday! $2 Beers will be served throughout each game. Join us next week!

BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 SocoLime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands

FRI. 4/17

Nachos and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $5 25oz Long Islands

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

The Lugnuts return home tomorrow!

$3.25 All Draft Pints, $3.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles, $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

SAT. 4/18

3 Buckets for $35 (1 Bucket Beer, 2 Buckets Food)

Sun-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-barhospitality industry workers

First pitch tonight is 5:05 PM! Let’s beat Dayton!

$3.75 Captain Morgans $3.75 All Flavored Vodkas $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots

SUN. 4/19

1/2 Large Pizzas All Day 1/2 off (most) Drinks 8pm ‘til close

Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-your-own Bloody Mary Bar | Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurantbar-hospitality industry workers

Day baseball today! First pitch is 2:05 PM.

Closed waiting for Detroit Lions football! Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl

MON. 4/20

1/4 lb. Cheeseburger $3.29 $2 Mugs of Miller Lite 1/2 off drinks for Hospitality Employees

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Day baseball today! First pitch is 12:05 PM

MONDAY NIGHT PARTY 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots

Sporcle Live Trivia! 7-8pm and 8-9pm

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

TUES. 4/21 WED. 4/22 THURS. 4/23

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer

Dollar Deal Day! $1 Hot Dogs, Ice Cream Sandwiches and Pepsi! First pitch is 7:05 PM

$2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles

$1 off Burritos, Nachos and Taco Plate, Tequila specials and $2.75 Corona and Dos XX

Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Special ALL DAY!

Live Music presented by Fusion Shows at 10pm! $0.75 off Mugs of Craft Beer, $2 Mugs of Labatt

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight

What Day Is It? Come meet Humphrey the Camel! First pitch is 7:05 PM

$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots

Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 ﬂavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close

Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers

It’s Labatt Thirsty Thursday! $2 beer available throughout the game. First pitch: 7:05 PM

$2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands

Sun’s Out Buns Out Andrea Jablonski wrote this

The sun is out East Lansing, and you know what that means; so are the buns. Little buns, big buns, doesn’t matter — they’re all out to play. But we’re not just talkin’ any ol’ buns, we’re talkin’ man buns, lady buns, ass cheeks, and for those of you who are more “tradish,” we’ve got hot dog and hamburger buns as well. Spring has sprung, and with the help of all of these buns, something in your pants might just “spring” up as well. First set of buns on the list gives a shout out to the ladies and gentlemen that love a good bun on their head. The lady bun is not an unusual sighting on campus, and is usually sported during all of the seasons, but the man bun is a fairly new phenomenon that is springing up everywhere. Guys, when the sun’s ablaze and your sweaty flow has you feeling hot and bothered, you’ll cool right down if you tie it up in a man bun. You know how they say April showers bring May flowers? Well campus will flourish with florals if you boys keep those buns up and tight. Mother Nature will be left weak in the knees, drizzling with excitement over the boys and their buns. Come on guys, everyone likes looking at buns. When the sun’s out, you best bring your buns out, too. Ass cheeks are up next. When the sun is shining, ladies love to break out the high-waisted shorty shorts the cover their belly-buttons but leave their ass cheeks free falling from the bottom of those shorts. Booty cheeks are bouncing all across campus. You’re sure to have “Bandz A Make Her Dance” stuck in your head all summer long, ‘cause these cheeks are clappin’ and they ain’t using hands. Springtime is the time of year when Spartan boys really turn to dawgs after heat stroke has them feeling confident enough to ogle at the behinds of ladies walking up and down Grand River. And let us not forget those boys’ sweet cheeks in their running shorts. Put these two types of booty together and you might have ass cheeks all over your white tee.

Finally, we’re left with the most practical buns of all. Let’s be honest here, hot dog and hamburger buns are the least enticing variety on the bun pyramid. You should appreciate these buns, because they’re probably the only one’s you’ll get to touch. So go ahead, throw a wiener on the grill, heck, maybe even throw your wiener dog in a bun to celebrate this scared union. If you’re a vegetarian you’ll have to get creative, maybe grab a stack of buns miles high and just mow. If you’re a vegan, well, we’re not really sure what vegans can actually eat, so maybe buns are out of the question. You know the season’s right when you show up at a good cookout and the entire trifecta of buns come together for one bunbelievable party. And when you think about it, it’s almost guaranteed that there will be some booze to go along with them. Moral of the story here: there’s nothing quite like a bun in the sun to lift your spirits.

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BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

JESSE AT PEPPINO’S

Relationship Status: We don’t love these hoes. Major: Economics with a minor in gettin’ wasted. Favorite Drink: Bombay Gin martini Favorite Shot: Anything tequila Disgusting Drink: Cement mixers If there was a major in bartending, what would be the final?: Create your own drink and be able to sell it to 50 people in one night. What food item is criminally underrated as a drunk munchie?: The Box. What was the last thing that melted in your mouth but not in your hand?: The Wicked Witch of the West. Which animal would be most intimidating in robot form? Why?:

Smokey the Bear, because imagine a giant robot bear telling you not to start forest fires. What song would you strip to?: “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John. What current piece of technology will be hilariously outdated in 10 years? Why?: Condoms, because they are already out of date. Who is the oldest person you’re sexually attracted to?: Betty White – I’d probably hit that. Who, what, when, where and why?: Colonel Mustard with a candlestick. The year was 1947. It happened in the conservatory because he called my mother a floozy. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because be thankful you can read.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM

With spring comes the greatest sports season of all time: baseball. So grab a bag of peanuts and take a seat at your favorite stadium. Our drinking game will make your fun in the sun that much more interesting.

The weather is getting warm and will hopefully stay that way. There’s no better way to cool down than to dig into a huge ice cream sundae. Skip the lines of basic bitches at your local froyo shop and create your own sundae following our famous The Black Sheep recipe.

What You’ll Need: Any kind of drink, but if you’re at a ball game it should be a beer, you goddamn American.

What You’ll Need: A tub of your favorite flavor of ice cream, chocolate syrup, sprinkles, whipped cream, and other stuff.

Number of Players: You and 40,000 other sunburnt lunatics. Level of Intoxication: You’ll forget which color your team is wearing. How to Play: -Take a drink every time someone tries to sell you another beer. -Take a drink for every foul ball (try to catch it if it’s near you). -Take a drink each time you see someone with a hot dog. -Take a drink every time a new pitcher or pinch hitter comes in. -Take a drink for each jumbotron game played between innings. Drink twice if your pick loses. -If there’s a meeting at the mound, keep drinking until play resumes. -Take a long drink for every homerun. -Take a big ol’ drink after every inning. -Drink if your team wins. -Drink more if your team loses. The Game Ends: After the 9th inning and you’re left walking in circles trying to find your car outside.

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Fatty Factor: We really hope you’re not lactose intolerant… Let’s Get Baked: -Scoop your ice cream into a large bowl. -Heat up the chocolate syrup for 30 seconds, then drizzle it on top. -Drop a couple of diabetic-sized spoonfuls of sprinkles on top. -Dump any other toppings you may have found in your pantry. Think crackers, cookies, gummy anything, left-over pastries from Easter. Just go nuts. -Top it all off with a can of whipped cream. Don’t be shy. Now that you have a colossal sundae, go ahead and dig in before it starts to melt. Eating your creation in the comfort of your home means you avoid hearing girls talk about just “how white girl wasted” they got last night.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE DOS AND DON’TS OF DRINKING GAMES: AN ETIQUETTE GUIDE Justin Sienkowski wrote this

For years, old geezers everywhere have harped on the younger generations for being rude, uncivilized little pricks, and that’s without ever witnessing a Friday night pre-game party in a college town. While not as celebrated or scrutinized as professional athletes, participants in drinking games similarly need to ensure they hold themselves to a higher standard. Use these drinking game Dos and Don’ts to guide you during competition. Do: Stay focused. Nothing kills the mood of a drinking game more than needing to constantly remind someone it’s his turn. Pre-game time is precious; it shan’t be wasted bombarding your friends with Snapchats or ordering Pizza House. Don’t: Be a sore loser. Sure, it may be the booze talking, but if you’re willing to “take this outside” because your roommate has better fine motor skills than you, your parents were probably the type to cuss out Little League umpires. Do: Talk trash. Drinking games are the perfect time to bring out your inner Richard Sherman, as trash talking can liven up any game. That being said, we’re all Spartans here, so keep it within reason; unless you’re facing a Wolverine, then all bets are off.

Don’t: Be a dick to your teammates. You don’t see Travis Trice scold Tum Tum when he misses an open shot, do you? Instead, he picks him up, pats him on the back, wipes the spittle off his mouth and hands him another beer. It’s what teammates are for. Do: Respect house rules. We don’t care if you have played no re-racks since your days on the kindergarten playground, the fact that you or one of the 100 other drunk-asses in our house will probably ravage through our fridge and poop in our shower is entitlement enough. It’s like going to Europe and insisting they should call “futbol” soccer instead, because ‘Merica. Don’t: Forget to cheers. Not known by many, the subtle sign of clinking your glass to another’s was used in Revolutionary America to differentiate fellow revolutionaries from the British loyalists. While this fact is 101% false, it’s at least a nice gesture to share before you and your friends’ mutual intoxication and has inspired some of the most moving, incoherent speeches to date. Do: Leave the table if you’re going to vomit. Sure, it’s embarrassing to quickly run off to the bathroom after downing a keg cup of beer right in front of the cute guy you like, but chances are he’ll still hit on you as long you rally well. Spewing mashed-up remains of Chipotle and Coors Light

through your nostrils like an elephant all over your dress as you attempt to cover your mouth, on the other hand, might be a bit of a turn-off. Do: Feel free to team up on one player. Getting a group of friends to all shovel their allotted drinks onto one poor soul during games such as Quarters and Waterfall is a drinking game ritual, and a great way to exact revenge for past wrongdoings. It’s a cruel tactic, and it’ll probably leave the victim of it passed out in a heaping

mess in the corner with a shoe for a pillow and several Kraft singles as their blanket, but hey, you should know it’s a risk you take anytime you step to the table. Too many weekend nights have been lost and friendships destroyed over poor drinking game etiquette. Cut or print this guide out and duct tape that bad boy right next to your favorite playing field to keep everyone in line. You stay classy, East Lansing.

Sorority Girls Out For Blood During Greek Week Claire Stark wrote this

The East Lansing Police Department has issued a statement regarding the tightening of security around Michigan State University’s sorority chapter houses. The most ruthless time of the year has begun. With the passing of Derby Days, Greek Week has arrived. “We have decided to post security guards around each chapter house after a planned attack on an unnamed chapter from the Beta Alpha Eta sorority,” Officer Dick Davis claims. “These girls need a better hobby than stuffing hair extensions down drains to back up the water. Do you know how disgusting this is?” Recently, two sisters of the Beta Alpha Eta chapter were arrested for assault and destruction of private property. The victims were sisters of an unnamed rival sorority who were poised to take the championship after having a bombass Bar Night and Songfest routine. They had raised over $36,000 in their house for Greek Week, and Beta Alpha Eta, the longstanding champions of Greek Week, would not stand for it. Having always been partnered with top houses, they had the disadvantage of being paired up with two nerdy frats instead of their usual stallions. Without the help of a popular frat, the girls couldn’t figure out any possible way they’d win Greek Week — other than sabotage.

“When I heard that BAE attacked that house, I just laughed. No one really cares about Greek Week,” says Robbie Noble, a brother of Delta Iota Kappa. “I mean, it’s just a fun time to watch girls go frickin’ nuts over nothing. It’s kind of funny to see what they’ll do to win a plastic trophy.” Gardens were trampled, and toilets were clogged. Ratchet extensions had been stuffed down the drains, backing up the water for days. BAE sisters blocked the driveway with their cars, and the wireless Internet was mysteriously cut off. As if that wasn’t enough, no one was able to find the TV remotes. Things got even worse after the unnamed sorority looked past their property sabotage. When it came to Sigma Chi’s Derby Days, BAE decided that it was time to go all out. When running for the last hat on VetMed field, the sisters of BAE surrounded a member of the unnamed sorority and trampled her, fighting tooth-and-nail for a hat. Some sisters bit hard enough to draw blood. It wasn’t until a coach pulled the girls off one another that the agenda of Beta Alpha Epsilon was discovered.

“I didn’t understand why the girls in BAE started getting vicious,” an anonymous sorority girl says. “Greek Week and Derby Days are all about raising money for philanthropy. I never thought I’d almost lose my life over a frat hat or a dance routine.” The ELPD is currently assessing the situation and it is uncertain whether or not the unnamed sister will press charges. President Simon has therefore decided to ban Beta Alpha Epsilon from any Greek Week activities, while National has yet to decide if they will kick out the chapter. When asked for a quote, all Lou Anna had to say was: “It’s a fucking dance competition. Get over it.”

NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES (AND SO CAN YOU!) Finals. What came to mind when you saw that word? Pain? Agony? Nicolas Cage? We know it probably wasn’t Nicolas Cage, but we’re here to tell you it should be. A cornerstone of the Hollywood scene for years, Nicolas Cage is known for his amazing feats of actoring, subtle emotional nuances, and most importantly, starring in really really great movies. But Nic is more than meets the eye; he’s a hidden gem filled with a lifetime of knowledge. While you may not fully understand the tornado of desperation that is finals, it might surprise you to know that Nic does, and he’s here to help.

- Molly Ade

Just thinking about finals is stressful, and stress can make you do crazy things, like get really high and steal a baby. When Nic gets stressed from screaming every word that comes out of his mouth, he too sometimes gets really high and steals a baby. It’s okay, the baby had an edible— he doesn’t even know what his fingers are right now.

That first look at a semester’s worth of notes is like the bubonic plague: no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to avoid being bitten by a rat that’s been running around in street sewage because this is the 14th century and you don’t know what a toilet is. Did you follow that simile? Just looking at the overload of chunks of information squeezed between unidentifiable doodles makes you feel like you’ve somehow been put in a woman’s naked body in the shower while a bumble bee crawls on you and Gordon Ramsay threatens to kill you for overcooking the butternut squash.

Screw having time to degrime, who has the time to workout during finals? Nic Cage doesn’t have the time to workout during finals. Just like you, Nic likes to tell people he’s working out and staying fit when really he’s just sitting on his couch mesmerized by whatever Lifetime movie is currently playing.

You’re free from that one-night stand that you swear never happened, but you’re not totally in the clear. Finals week isn’t a hangover immunity shield, and nothing makes your head and body hurt more than “The inner mitochondrial membrane is compartmentalized into numerous cristae, which expand the surface area of the inner mitochondrial membrane, enhancing its ability to produce ATP.” One eye is screaming from the brutal assault of library fluorescent lights. The other eye is confused because it comprehended 0% of that sentence. Your brain is smiling though. It’s still drunk and thinks your current inability to properly hold a pencil is hilarious.

The brain can only hold a finite amount of important information—like the sexual preferences of each famous philosopher for example—which means other, more common sense information—like your name or how to operate a microwave—is pushed out of the ol’ ear hole to make room for academia. Silly Nic, handcuffing your finger isn’t going to keep you attached to anything!

Sometimes during finals you’re assigned long, painful papers that seem like they’re never going to end. Sometimes you pour your heart and overly caffeinated soul into said treacherously long paper, only to realize you’ve written it on the completely wrong topic and you have 5 hours to do it all over again. When that time comes, it’s only natural to blink out every last little bit of soul you had in your eyes and just stare like you have the mental function of [insert name of Johnny Depp’s character] in [insert name of Johnny Depp movie].

Finals can bring out mixed emotions. You might be happy to be done with one class while still stressfully confused that you’ve still managed to learn nothing in an entire semester. No matter what you’re feeling, you should always be honest with your emotions. When Nic has mixed emotions he leaves them all out on the table. Sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s sad. Sometimes he has catstache, sometimes he does not have catstache.

You’re almost at the finish line, just one final to go, but you can’t help feeling like you’ve gained almost too much information in too short a timespan. Begrudgingly you decide you can’t study for your last final, not because you don’t want to, but because the slightest bit more knowledge could startle your bird hair into flying away.

Personal hygiene gets thrown out the window when there’s even a whiff of finals in the air; it’s the only time of year where all students band together to suffocate campus with B.O. stench and blind it with pedophilic pizza delivery guy mustaches. Looking back at pictures, you may be thinking, “What the actual fuck was I thinking?” but don’t be alarmed, Nic is too.

Spending days on end in the cold dungeon the administrators of death call “the library” can take a serious toll on a person. It’s okay to take one night to go out, let loose, and maybe hookup with the love of your life you just met 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately they’ll probably have leopard bed sheets, and more unfortunately the carpet will probably match the leopard drapes, but at least you’ll have a perfect getaway excuse! I’d love to stay and name our future children but the dungeon awaits me.

You’ve made it through finals—finally—but you’re not the same person you were when you started. You’ve gained new knowledge you’ll carry with you for the rest of the next two weeks, you’ve seen things a person should never have to see; if you looked in a mirror you’d barely recognize yourself. Nic goes through this transformation every time he churns out a motion picture for the ages. Is this a picture of an eagle? Yes. Is it also Nic Cage? Yes. Nicolas Cage is now a bird, and so can you.

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