The Black Sheep
FR EE . fo .. lik ol e a 's jo da ke mn ...y g ou oo kn d a ow pri ? l
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 13 • 4/10/13 - 4/17/13
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
The adventures of captain cock block tom white wrote this
Here it is, Friday night. Love is in the air in East Lansing and coeds citywide are looking for that special someone to cuddle up to—or romantically flop on top of for a tantalizing six minutes sponsored by Passion Fruit Burnett’s. Not on my watch though. No balls will be spared from a blue-ing while I’m on the prowl; for I am Captain Cock Block. I’m gathering intelligence in my neighbors’ apartment hallway from my state-of-the-art observation pod when I overhear him, “Come over around eleven, Katie’s coming with all her skanky friends. Bernice ‘Bet I Can Get That Whole Slim Jim Down’ Brown will be there. Everybody finna get laid.” Jackpot, I’ve heard enough. “Fat chance, you libertine hussy-mongers!” I shout exploding from the SpongeBob blanket I was hiding underneath in the corner. I dash past the stunned fiends and rush down the hall into my studio apartment lair. I pick up bits of various conversation from the long hallway: “I told you that wasn’t a dead homeless… he smelled like fingers… told my mom she looked like a ‘Philadelphia whore’ once… what was with the wiggling?” But I’m too busy wiggling from anticipation and Pixie Stix to pay them any attention. I have a long night of cock-blocking to prepare for. Six meditative hours of calling children “pole smoking mama’s boys” on Xbox Live later, I am ready. I walk into the party; Lil John’s “Get Low” is playing and I immediately spot my first victim grinding away. He is “dancing” with a “charming” young woman when Lil John delivers his timeless lyric, “Get low, get low.” The lady obliges and I move in for the kill… “Bro, you were so right. You are totally about to smash this chick tonight. Get wet, son!” I yell, and before he can respond I hit him with a surprise high-five, sealing his night’s celibate, boner-less fate. In disgust, the girl walks away. Pa-Pow! One down. Next I spot a glasses-y couple discussing why Sufjan Stevens, “Is pretty much like the most important artist—and I stress artist—since Bob Dylan”. Methinks a different approach is needed for this tweedladen vixen. I saunter over and drop a hipster-hormone bomb on her, “You look like Carrie Brownstein only your bangs are quirkier. MTV sucks. Want to have conversations centering around the word ‘film’?” More aroused than Mel Gibson at the sight of tears, she practically slips out of her chair and starts convulsing on the floor in a storm of pleasure. Notably pissed, the dude storms off. Pop-pop, another cold shower coming up!
The reoccurring nightmare of a college student
“Sweet, Fat Jesus,” I say in horror, spying countless bros and broads burgeoning on banging. Time for ‘Brady Hoke at a baked potato bar’-style cock blocking: no mercy. “Hey, Steve, rough break with the gonorrhea, champ.” Blam! Done-zo! “Dude, don’t be so dramatic, she’s not that fat.” Zap-zap! I burn through the party leaving more flaccid members behind me than Roseanne Barr in a sloppy Joe eating competition. Then I see my Everest, the boss-hog of skankery herself, Bernice Brown. Almost nothing can stop Bernice once she spots her prey, and judging by her demonstration of how far she can fit her doughy arm down her mouth, find her prey she has. I slink along the wall until I’m behind Bernice and her man, knowing this next maneuver will require
what'’s inside
perfect execution. Thankfully, I ate Moe’s for lunch. I take a deep breath and let loose a real Charlie Villanueva of a fart—absolutely horrible and disturbingly meaty blend that I power out. Brown’s face contorts in horror and after accusing her partner of committing the sinister ‘ritto fart, Bernice retreats. BWAP! With the entire party thoroughly un-aroused and stinky, my work is done. I leave to celebrate and relax with a nice virgin Shirley Temple at Heartbeats. On my way down Grand River, I spot a group of girls headed to the bars wearing mini skirts in the frigid night. I sigh, knowing that against such dedication to sluttery, even I am helpless—it would take a James Madison student to mess up that slow, coital pitch down the middle.
Top Ten Things to Get You Through the Week
Arrested Development Devotees
No, not the sex dream where you're with a James Madison student.
It’s really more of a list of our addictions, but whatever works, you know?
There are literally dozens of us!
page 4
page 5
page 7
THE
RIGHTCHOICE. Everything you need, everything you want & a few extra surprises—ALL RIGHT HERE.
• Individual Leases
• Cable w/HBO
• 24-Hour Maintenance
• Fitness Center
• Computer Lab
• Conference & Study Rooms
• Game Room
• Fully Furnished Units
• Private Washer & Dryer
• Free Tanning
• Community-Wide WiFi
• Walking Distance to Campus
H U R R Y ! S PA C E S A R E F I L L I N G FA S T !
SAVE $125!
When you mention this ad on your tour. www.LiveCampusVillage.com | CFacebook.com/CVatMSU | M@CVatMSU 517.337.1700 | 1151 Michigan Avenue | East Lansing, MI 48823
! page three k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Diarrmea:
A narcissist’s inability to stop talking about him or herself. “Carol’s diarrmea finally caught up to her when she accidentally told Lex about the time she pooped her pants in church. There was no second date.”
Yeah, he tapped that.
page 4
theblacksheeponline.com
The Reoccurring Nightmare of a College Student Zoë Kremke wrote this With the end of semester slowly drawing ever nearer, the stacks of textbooks you haven’t even cracked open yet this semester, the deadlines for portfolios, and the endless list of assignments you’ve been blatantly neglecting are starting to loom. Naturally, you turn to caffeine, and increased levels of “productivity.” However, it turns out that killing hours in the Union on Pinterest isn’t exactly the same as writing the essay that’s due tomorrow. In your desperation you make the call that many college students have made before you and decide to pull an all-nighter. With a backpack that’s stocked with 5-hour Energies and Adderall, you hit the second floor of the library. After a few solid hours of writing, you decide to treat yourself to fifteen minutes of sweet, sweet shut-eye. You deserve it, you essay-writing fiend. With an alarm supposedly set on your phone that will without a doubt wake you up in time to continue your streak of success, you bury your head in your sweatshirt and immediately pass out. Turns out writing is incredibly exhausting. Suddenly, through the dark clouds of your dreamland, you see Berkey Hall, and you’re reminded that you have an exam. Jolting awake, you run back to your dorm to shower and grab your things. How could you have forgotten that the huge exam was today? It’s worth 30% of your already-abysmal grade, you idiotic poop head. As you’re sprinting across campus to Berkey like that paraplegic sprinter who murdered his girlfriend, you feel nothing but the judgmental stares of those around you—they all know what a moron you are. You shield your face from them in inevitable shame. Arriving at Berkey you take the stairs two at a time and ascend them at an inhuman speed. The halls seem empty and eerily silent. The rooms around you are filled with responsible students taking exams and 4.0-ing them, no doubt. Your breath is coming fast when you recall that you have no idea what room the exam is being proctored in. Scanning through your iPhone for the email containing this information, you take a turn into a classroom. Luckily, it’s the one you’ve been looking for all along. You wave to your classmates, assuming they’re all flustered by your sudden and rather dramatic entrance. But rather than comforting smiles you’re greeted by harsh, cackling laughter. All of them point at you, howling and grabbing their sides. You look around, confused, until you glance down and you realize you are the object of their mocking, because in your hurry you forgot to put on any
Waking From Hibernation Nation Michelle Danaj wrote this
clothes. Standing in front of the class in your birthday suit, you flush red, but attempt to pull yourself together. This exam will be taken regardless of whether or not you are clothed, dammit. One last question looms—where did you store your iPhone during your dead-sprint? Gross. Disappointed, your professor shakes his head as he looks you over. Although this is mildly wounding, mostly because he’s not exactly in the best shape himself, you square your shoulders and announce that you are prepared to take the scheduled exam. “Do you have any pencils for the Scantron portion?” He asks you, a devilish gleam in his eye. The world stops turning in that moment as you realize that not only did you show up to class ass-naked, but you also don’t have any pencils! At this the class explodes in another, heartier round of rippling laughter at your hopeless expense. Just as you feel the tears of disgrace prickle the backs of your eyes, you wake up. It was just another one of your horrible, Adderall-induced night terrors. Your laptop screen stares at you in the most criticizing manner and you snap it shut before tugging on that hoodie and stuffing your things into your backpack. This essay will just have to be good enough half-finished, because you need to sit your ass down and de-stress for a while. As you’re leaving around 2 a.m., the classmate that was in the front row of your own personal hell of a nightmare passes you. “Nice ass,” is all they say as you avert your gaze. Baffled and shaking your head you’re left to wonder whether the incident was a dream after all…
It’s a normal April morning and you claw your way out from underneath a mound of blankets, slightly sweaty, to be surprised by sunbeams actually shining through your window. Birds are chirping in their nests, and yoga pants joyfully jogging. Are your tired, hungover eyes deceiving you? Could it be… spring? The answer to that eonsold question is a chocolate-marshmallow-covered “yes.” Mother Nature has finally released her icy chokehold on us all and we can quit hibernating our lives away to escape the cold. Gone are the long, frigid nights spent in igloos, getting plastered to merely keep warm, and getting naked with strangers to generate body heat. Beaming with motivation and a desire to live again, you dig out your class schedule to figure out where you’re actually supposed to go today. You haven’t been to class since you braved the elements to walk across campus and fail your midterm three weeks ago, so you’re actually looking forward to relieving your potential guilt and feeling productive-y again. You still won’t talk to anyone in class, but it’ll be fun to pass judgments on strangers from afar again, and your bedsore situation has been getting a little out of hand as of late. You’re excited for spring—seriously, it’s better late than never. You’re thinking about all the things that go with spring: drinking outside, drinking in pools, and, most importantly, drinking while in the presence of girls who have few clothes on. You’ve missed the short shorts and cutoffs, and, frankly the bulky sweaters and coats leave a lot to the imagination and the Internet has ruined whatever was left of your imagination years ago. A depressing realization hits you as you stare at your doughy physique in the mirror. Namely, that Christmas weight is the only gain in town, there's New Year’s weight, St. Patrick’s Day weight,
and Martin Luther King Jr. Day weight. It’s okay though, this is Michigan and you’re expected to put on some weight to insulate yourself properly in the frigid winter. You decide to worry about your weight later— everything can always wait until later, that’s always more convenient than dealing with it now. Plus, you’ve realized that in your sloth you’ve become paler than a ghost with heliophobia. It’s a pasty look, the kind of look that blinds people when the sun hits the obscene whiteness of your skin or has people asking you if you’ve been diagnosed as terminally ill lately. You know you probably need to hit the tanning salon pronto. Tanning beds never hurt anyone, at least immediately, and what’s a little cancer in sixty years if you can look back at photos of yourself having beautiful skin in your twenties? You make your way towards the door, forging through the piles of wrappers and pizza boxes that you have amassed over the course of the winter. You’re almost there when you stumble over a Frisbee. Wow, you had forgot about this option. You had been content letting your muscles and mind atrophy over the course of the winter and had dismissed the thought of any outdoor activities, since they required bundling up more than a babushka grandma in Red Square. Deliberation sets in. It’s a pretty nice day out there and Mother Nature has been known to be a finicky bitch in the past. So, really, it would be irresponsible for you to waste your time going to class instead of taking advantage of this weather and tossing the disc around. School will be there when it’s raining, and you’re pretty sure you can convince the dude down the hall to skip too, now that there is no threat of freezing your disturbingly long nipples off by going outside.
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The
Top 10
page 7
Things That Get You Through The Week
10.) Social Media: Truly a free and easy form of entertainment. Watch as all those sluts who never sexed you up in high school get preggers, drop out of community college, get divorced, and blame it all on that Hawaiian communist OBAMA. 9.) Movies: Two hours spent escaping into a flick where you kick ass with Daniel Craig, get boned in the rain by Channing Tatum, or work in a fast-food restaurant with Keenan Thompson is a great way to forget the shithole reality of your everyday world – until you realize you just spent sux hours inside wishing you were someone else, which is rather depressing. 8.) Music: What would we do without music? Seriously, how does the world expect you to get out of bed without a 90’s playlist? A life without Savage Garden, Eagle Eye Cherry, or Third Eye Blind is hardly a life at all. 7.) Daydreaming: It allows you to dream up a world where you’re not slaving away at tenpage research paper on, ironically, the slave trade, but instead be making six figures, having non-disappointing sex with super models, and hanging out with Michael Chiklis. Just having that glimmer of hope can be the little kick to keep you going through the week. 6.) Weed: The natural herb that’s been aiding personal relaxation since your mom was rolling around naked at Woodstock. Admit it—we all dabble in the bounty that the Kush Christ has bestowed upon us. Take advantage of all the free weed you can, and soon your already miniscule cerebellum will be just another ball of mashed potatoes, leaving you free from caring about deadlines, and finally finding the time to open up that free-range wind chime shop.
how to Cope black sheep staff wrote this If you are reading this, it is important before going any further that you take a deep breath. Everything is going to be okay. Thousands of people every year go through what you are experiencing right now: the confusion, the fear, the betrayal, the disgust, and the heartburn. All of this is normal, and it is in fact common in the preliminary stage of shock your body is currently entering. Just try to relax and keep a firm hold on that pillow you are burying deep into your chest cavity. You need to be brave and admit to yourself what just happened. There’s no way to sugar coat it. Not this time. You just walked in on your roommate masturbating. Say it again. Out loud. You just walked in on your roommate masturbating. And that’s okay. Don’t plague yourself with thoughts about whether you should have knocked, if you caught him jamming a finger up his fun zone, or if he’s ever spanked it on your futon. He totally has. But it’s all in the past now, where he and his crusty love socks can’t hurt you any more than they already have. Right now, all you should be focusing on is recovery. It won’t be easy, and it certainly won’t quell that niggling attraction you’ve been harboring toward that hobbit-ish looking maintenance worker you glimpsed one cold November evening inside Coffman. But with any luck, you can return to leading the healthy, happy life you once knew, denying that anyone other than yourself discreetly fondles themselves for sexual pleasure in their spare time. First, out of courtesy, give your beleaguered roommate a minute to collect himself. Actually, make that twenty. Ride the elevator a few dozen times or take advantage of those beautiful hallways and bash your head against the drywall. This may
speed up the image suppression process and allow your compromised comrade to… conclude his business with at least some semblance of dignity. Do not be rude upon your re-entry, nor dwell in silence to bring attention to the cataclysmically embarrassing event that just occurred. Remember, he is frantically trying to sort out how he will go about addressing the incident. No need to strain the poor man. His hand has already done enough of that. Typically, it is at this point when the walker boots up his laptop, pops in his ear buds, and adamantly avoids eye contact with the walk-ee for a minimum of two hours. During this buffer, tension will be incrementally released (apologies for the unfortunate phrasing). Failure to act in accordance with this guideline could result in the formation of psychological scar tissue as well as an impassioned dispute over ownership of the lavatory’s stock of Kleenexes. Assuming you have the good sense to let the dust settle, offer to fetch your friend a beer from the fridge. This will signal that you are ready to discuss what has transpired and will encourage him to travel the journey to acceptance with you. If he responds cordially, throw him a Pabst and wash the infamous wanking away from the recesses of both your brains with the magic of alcohol. The APA actually asserts this is the most effective treatment in cases of Post-Traumatic Fapping Disorder. If your roommate declines your offer, simply bring him up to the roof of your building and give him a good shove. That should teach the bastard to splooge inside your tube socks. You may be committing a felony, but at least you will have closure. From there, the healing can begin. Just be wary and don’t drop the soap.
5.) Burritos: If you don’t like burritos then you’re racist! Be it the grease-riddled, dollarmenu breakfast variety from McDonald’s or the newborn-baby-sized burrito from Chipotle, you need one to get through the week. Go on, indulge yourself and pack your pretty little mouth with hot meat without having to worry about running into it tomorrow morning. 4.) Naps: Class, work, homework, buying booze for kids who aren’t twenty-one, all of these things take a toll on your poor, frumpy body. Naps are your antidote; they’re the kitties’ titties and the only way you’re going to make it through the week. 3.) Masturbation: Whether you’re old-school and use your filthy, calloused hands like a hobo, or you’re new money and count on the latest futuristic vibrating space sex toy from Lover’s Lane, you know you’re going to rub one out. No matter how bad your week is going, you know you can always rely on old reliable to deliver pleasure exactly the way you like it. 2.) Adderall: Synthetic cocaine, you’re a godsend. With long nights spent studying, volunteering, at hot-tub fuck parties, etc., Adderall has become that that little bump we all need to keep going. Bonus: it makes a great graduation gift to any youngin’ venturing off into college this fall. 1.) Alcohol: No surprise here; we all know alcohol is the go-to solution that gets us through each week. Call it functional alcoholism or just call it being a college student—the game is the game.
Halie Woody wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the most embarrassing movie you sobbed through? “Click.” - Kevin W., Sophomore
"Castaway.” - Robert D., Sophomore
“The Man in the Iron Mask.” - Laura A., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
page 7
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
Arrested Development Devotees:
There Are Literally Dozens of Us, we are legion meg enter wrote this A long, hard decade ago, the most revolutionary ginger in Hollywood, Ron Howard, began telling us the story of a wealthy family that lost everything, and the one son, who had no choice but to keep them all together. An understated comedic brilliance was concocted that satiated frozen banana loving palates everywhere. After three short years of multiple accolades and a low viewership, the c-words at Fox decided to cancel our day of Sabbath, consequently turning us to the ways of the secular flesh. But May 26th marks the fateful day that our prophet G.O.B. returns after 2,640 illusion-less days. As if our streaming-straight-to-wireless-devices culture didn’t already make us lazier than a hoard of sloths, the execs at Netflix and the AD producers have decided to release a hot seven-hour load of Arrested Development episodes all in one thick stream, which is sure to result in devotees glued to the couch lusting over the television harder than George Sr. lusts over an ice cream sandwich. So what are we supposed to do in the meantime? Other than sob over the unintentionally foreshadowed divorce of Will Arnett and Amy Poehler while drowning ourselves in a bottle of Cloudmir Vodka? The best bet is to enjoy a tasty mayonn-egg while placing bets on possible outcomes for the fourth season. Here are our predictions. First off, we can only hope that G.O.B.’s bee business finally takes off. I know what you’re thinking, “Beads?” No, bees. The image of Gob attempting to maintain a honey farm on Oscar’s worthless grove is a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy, and perhaps this will give us an insight
into what Bluth life would be like if G.O.B. weren’t simply just the Poof Goof of the Year, and instead created a mediocre business. Undoubtedly, if G.O.B. makes any money, the rest of the narcissistic and money-loving Bluth family will suction themselves to him like Baby Buster to a j-u-i-c-e box. If Tobias is still married to Lindsay by the time season four rolls around, maybe this sudden influx of new Bluth money will give him reason enough to stay in the family and start the band back up. George Michael and Maeby now have dangerously fully-formed sexual libidos, and they just so happen to be married. However, chances are since George Michael is even more awkward than Michael Cera is in RL and even more of a “good guy” than his father, he’ll find a way to further repress his dangerous feelings toward his not biologically unrelated cousin. While Egg felt she outgrew George Michael, once she begins dating again the world will find her inability to renounce God and fuck anyone off-putting. Perhaps there is a possible George Michael and Plain reunion, as George Michael tries to sir-sum-vent his cousin and Ann realizes George Michael is as good as it gets. Her? Yes, her. Gangy arranges the murder of her chief social rival, Lucille Austero. In case you missed it, a couple months ago a picture was leaked that showed the stair car, which now reads “Austero Bluth Company” suggesting a possible merging of the Bluth Company with Standpoor Enterprises. So our best guess is that after a couple boxes of wine for Lucille, and a bad case of the dizzies for Lucille II, the two battle over money and
who looked better at the most recent bachelorette charity auction. Bitter over the fact her empire is being threatened, Lucille has George Sr. anonymously send Lucille II a basket of poisoned muffins. Where is Michael this whole time? As always, Michael attempts to mediate the family drama with no success. We can only hope his dating life continues to fail harder than The Cornballer or the record sales of Franklin Comes Alive. One thing’s for sure—us devotees will be soiling ourselves on the couch and having food delivered into our mouths as season four streams directly into our living rooms on May 26th. You know, say what you will about America. Season Four of Arrested Development is sure to get us a hell of a lot of comedy.
HARPER’S &
HALF OFF WEDNESDAY
JERRY SPRAGUE On Top The Bar 6 - 10
JEREMY SPRAGUE On Stage 10 - 12
DJ DONNIE D On Stage 12 - Close
$2 Pints & Wells – $2.98 Burgers – $6.98 Bottles of Wine
N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK
ETING | PROMO
APPLY ONLINE AT
G ! TIONS |
SALES
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
$150 GIFT CARD OR NEW LOW RATES WHEN YOU LOOK & LEASE WITHIN 48 HRS + SAVE $225 WITH REDUCED FEES THELODGESOFEASTLANSING.COM
LIMITED TIME ONLY | RATES, FEES, DEADLINES & UTILITIES SUBJECT TO CHANGE |
The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks
Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday!
Satisfaction Saturday! $2.50 Pints $3.50 Calls Square Pegz Plays Tonight!
FRI: Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
WED, 4/10
Dr Cocktails Half Off Wednesday! 1⁄2 Off Everything! Ladies No Cover! Jerry Sprague- On Top Of The Bar! Live Bands & DJ
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
THURS, 4/11
Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ
Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys
FRI, 4/12
TGI Friday! Boogie Dynomite Night! $3.00 Pints, Bombs, Bacardi, Stoli Live Band
Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
Satisfaction Saturday! $2.50 Pints $3.50 Calls Square Pegz Plays Tonight!
Martini Night 6-cl! Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close
Sunday Funday! $2.00 Pints open til 7 ½ off Adult Beverages & Pizza 7-close
Book your Barcrawl @ 248.860.7362
½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
FRIDAY: Free Cover! (except: Wed.) $3 Pints of Guinness, $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells Harp, Smithwicks and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Wednesday Friday Saturday $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Daily Specials: Vegas, Soco Limes, KamikazesThursday John Powers,
SPECIAL NIGHT
31 Irish Nachos and 1 2 Skins, Chicken Thumbs Monday 9pm-Close DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close 7 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks Follow us on Twitter!6 1/2 Off8 Night DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts @HarpersMSU DJ Juan Trevino DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Book Harper’s & RUSH Dublin Brew Crew from 7-9 Thursday 9pm-Close Coors Light, 23 Special Events 20 $2.50 – Pints 21 $2 Wells, $222 $2.50 – Call B-Days, Drinks Miller Lite, Labatt and PBR Drafts Graduation, and Greek DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close Functions! $3 Rumple DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints Free Cover! $3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells Lite, Labatt DJ Beats Blue Light Sunday All Day $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes DJ Donnie D $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Pints of Pub Dublin Square Irish $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs Satisfaction Saturday! Coors Lt, Miller 327 Abbott Rd Lite, East Labatt LansingBlue MI 48823 Light 9pm – Close Live Every DJs Day All Night Long
SAT, Skins Pints and $3.50 Calls $2.50 4/13 ½ Off – Potato Hush Puppies
$3.50 Well Liquor
For More Information Contact Us: DJ Beats (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 Bloody Marys 839863 for specials & updates.
& Onion Rings
SUN, 4/14
Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing
MON, 4/15
Follow us on Twitter! @HarpersMSU
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
No Cover! $3.00 Burgers til 4 $2.00 Pints 7 til close
Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362
TUES, 4/16
Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
Free Pizza Rama! No Cover $2.00 Wells, $3.50 Well Doubles $10.50 Buckets of Corona
NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
Like us on Facebook!
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
ladies No Cover! 1⁄2 Off Everything! Live Bands & DJ
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
WED, 4/17
$3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
FREE T-SHIRT WITH ANY HAIRCUT! REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS YOU HAVE SOMEONE SHIRT MORNING. - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXYMIGHT - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN“BORROWING” CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - THIS BED HEAD - JOICO - TOMORROW PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE -SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY
YOU’LL LOOK SO GOOD AFTER OUR HAIRCUT PLUS GET 40% OFF ALL PRODUCTS!
205 M.A.C AVE (517) 897-1499
2843 E. GRAND RIVER (517) 332-5477
The Bar Grid THURSDAYS! $1 Beers every Thursday Game on Labatt Blue Light Thirsty Thursdays! Season Starts April 11th!
TUES: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
Congratulations Seniors! Make Your Graduation Reservations Today! 517-351-1600
SPECIAL NIGHT
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
$1 Beers tomorrow at the Crosstown Showdown against MSU!
$2 Well Drinks, $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles, $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots, $3 Oberon Pints DJ BIG MIKE
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 4/10
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
7th Annual Crosstown Showdown presented by Auto-Owners Insurance; Baseball Giveaway to first 2,000 fans; Labatt Blue Light Thirsty Thursday - $1 Beers!
3P.M. - 8P.M. BURGER BASH $1 Burgers $1 Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks (excludes top shelf liqours) 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 4/11
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb
Opening Night: Freebie Friday! 2-for-1 Food
$3 Jack Daniels $3 ALL DRAFT PINTS $3 Wells $3 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 4/12
Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots
Game tonight! First pitch is at 7:05!
$3 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Flavored Vodka $3 SoCo Limes and Kamikazes $3.50 Captain Morgan
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees
SAT, 4/13
Boy Scout Day Double Header: 1:05 Start time.
CLOSED Bar Crawls, Please Call 517-332-2959 and let us know the details!
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 4/14
Like us On Facebook!
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 4/15
Dollar Deal Day! $1 Hot Dogs, Soda and Ice Cream Sandwiches
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 4/16
$1 Beers tomorrOw!
$2 Well Drinks, $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles, $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots, $3 Oberon Pints DJ BIG MIKE
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 4/17
MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers
11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
This World Needs More DILFs hannah borland wrote this Men: take heed. While we women are not as desperate to be mothers as you think—there is still far too much whiskey in the world to drink and pizza to eat — we do have a hearty respect for men who know the difference between a semester and a trimester. And that respect, young men, is why you should read on despite the fact that this article is going to consist solely of female fantasy. The responsibility is heavy on your somewhat incapable shoulders, guys, but considering those shoulders spend the rest of the time carrying around your giant heads (because you have big brains, honey, not because you’re egotistical), we girls are about 50% sure you can handle it. And that’s about 40% more sure than we are about whether or not you can remember the location of a clitoris. And what is that responsibility? To put down the Xbox controller, begin to brush your teeth regularly, discover kitchen appliances other than the microwave, learn to be honest about what you want out of a relationship, grow the fuck up, and become a DILF. A Dad I’d Like to Fuck, that is. Why? Because, DILFs of the world, we young women commend you. No, we worship you. Whether you are changing a diaper, walking around shirtless and still ripped at age 40, assuring us that our yoga pants do not make us look fat, or considerately dropping the kids off at school, you are doing it with class and sex appeal that a twenty-two year old man
simply won’t have for another ten years. Time might be on his side, but a stylish baby stroller and a sensible man bag are not. He might still have boyish good looks and the energy of a nuclear reactor in bed, but he doesn’t yet have the direction or the, ahem, endurance to put them to good use. DILFs, we females are tired of guys our age that can sink every shot in beer pong after eight drinks but still don’t have the aim to get it in the right cup on the first try. We want a man, like you, who can drink a glass or two of red wine and still manage to get his pants off before getting in bed. We are not put off by the way you like to shave every day, in fact, we enjoy running our hands over your smooth face and failing to find a hipster beard containing day-old marshmallows and used condoms. We love the way you unabashedly use both shampoo and conditioner, considering most men our age have not yet mastered the use of soap. And my god, the way you are gainfully employed. Yes, ohhh yes. Even the famous goofball DILFs amongst you, such as Johnny Knoxville and Chris Rock, are still approximately 100% more employed than any of the fools you’ll find hanging around East Lansing. They are all practically still in diapers, while you have already moved on to potty training your own kids. It’s not even that we want their money, no; it’s that we would just like a little space to ourselves on the couch sometimes.
Really, though. Denzel Washington. Matthew Broderick. Cary Grant. Will Smith, despite the fact that he’s still doing his Fresh Prince act well into his forties. Todd Palin. Homer Simpson? Probably not, but the point is that any man, should he put his mind to it, can become a DILF. Boys of MSU: we ladies want to have your babies. Or rather, we would, if you could guarantee us that you will one day at least attempt to be the men of our dreams. Man the hell up and become a Dad I’d Like to Fuck. Not a Dad I’d Like to Fight or a Dad I’d Like to Forget. And maybe then, we girls will work on not being so needy, putting out more, and ending the leggings-as-pants trend. Maybe.
MONTHLY UNLIMITED TANNING STARTING AT $29.95 A MONTH! Driver? Hannah Plaza Now Open!
Formerly Bronze Bay Tanning
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week max b. the landshark Age: 20 Relationship status: Single Major: Supply Chain and Applied Engineering Bar pet peeve: People who are too drunk to talk. Personal theme song: “Born to Run” - Bruce Springsteen Favorite sex position: Stick shift Dream bar to work at: Vegas Best TV show bar: Paddy’s Irish
the drinking game:
Pub from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Hangover cure: Fried eggs Rockstar you want to boogie with: Keith Moon Weirdest thing in your backpack: A rotten banana Describe The Landshark with hashtags: #stinky #sharkbowl Best pickup line: “I worked with your dad.” Worst person you’ve drunk dialed: Mom
recipe for disaster:
Beeramid
chocolate lasagna
The Egyptians had a long history of drinking beer, the Aztecs too. Yes, these great civilizations just loved cracking open a cold one after a hard day erecting awe-inspiring feats of engineering. Now it’s time to include the college student when breathlessly mentioning great pyramid-building, beer-loving societies. Greatness, thy name is Keystone Light!
Screw all the health crap being shoved down everyone’s throats. Live a little, have the extra piece of cake, drink more beer, and have dessert for dinner—especially if it’s chocolate lasagna.
What You’ll Need: Some empties, some fullies, a fair amount of coordination. Number of Players: 3-6 Level of Intoxication: Denial (of your drinking problem) ain’t just a river in Egypt. How to Play: - Start the game by placing one full beer in the middle of the table. - Moving clockwise, each player takes turns placing an empty beer can to the right or left of the full beer can. - The bottom row of cans can only be six cans wide. - Once at least two beer cans are placed on the bottom row, players may begin building up, creating the classic two-dimensional pyramid shape. - Players continue building the pyramid until the pyramid collapses. - No player may place one can directly on top of another can, unless the all six vertical rows of the pyramid are completed. In this case, begin stacking single beers on top of one another. - The player who causes the pyramid to collapse must chug the full beer on the bottom row of the pyramid. The Game Ends When: Someone gets mad and calls their mummy.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You’ll Need: 1 package Oreo cookies, 6 tablespoon melted butter, 8-ounce package cream cheese (softened), 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons milk, 12-ounce tub of Cool Whip, two 3.9-ounce packages of chocolate instant pudding, 3 1/4 cups cold milk, and 1 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips. Cook Time: Just over an hour. Fatty Factor: The perfect cure for a chubby kid’s sweet tooth. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the Oreos in a Ziploc bag and smash them with a hard object until they’re crumbs. We recommend thinking about something that pisses you off, like your lying, cheating whore ex. - Add the melted butter into the Oreo bag and mix. - Pour the Oreo and butter mix evenly across the bottom of your baking pan and place the pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Mix the cream cheese in a separate bowl until it’s light and fluffy. - Add in 2 tablespoons of milk, sugar and 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip and mix until combined. - Remove the pan from the fridge and spread the cream cheese mixture over the Oreo crust. - Combine the chocolate instant pudding with the rest of the milk. Stir until the pudding starts to thicken. - Spread the pudding over the other layers with a spatula. - Let your lasagna chill for another five minutes in the refrigerator. - Remove the pan from the fridge, spread the remaining Cool Whip over your lasagna and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. - Put your chocolate lasagna in the freezer for an hour before chowin’ down. Let it thaw a bit before diggin’ your teeth into it. The Black Sheep is not responsible for dental work. We’ll pull the teeth out, though, if you ask nicely.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Got Engaged At: - WNBA Game - DIxie Chicks concert - ASPCA convention - Google Meetup Best Man: - Tom Haverford - Tommy Lee Jones - Tom Petty - Thom Yorke Maid of Honor: - Lisa Simpson - Lisa Loeb - Lisa Kudrow - Lisa Lampanelli Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Ke$ha - Miley Cyrus - Lindsay Lohan - Paris Hilton First Dance: - “Pony” by Ginuwine - “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliot - “Waterfalls” by TLC - “Gimme Some More” by Busta Rhymes
Wedding souvenir: - Defective condoms - $10 McDonald’s gift card - Homemade Peep-infused vodka - Soluja Boy “Crank That” CD Single Honeymoon Adventure: - Jet skiing in glitter unitards - Cleaning your aunt’s house - Visiting a Westboro protest - Trick-or-treating in June Matching Body Modification: - Horns in forehead - Ears gauged in a heart shape - Corset up the neck - Bill Clinton tattoo on the chest Highlight of Married Life: - Properly breeding poodles - Threesome with Katie Couric - Flying first class to Houston - Growing lettuce successfully
How to play Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
find the differences
page 13
there are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. can you find them all?
the crossword: candies
Across 1) People collect these dispensers 2) Most popular type of gummi 4) “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” 7) Extremely sour candy that was a hit in middle school 11) It’s supposedly everlasting 12) Lil' Wayne wanted to lick you like one of these 15) A chew named after this 1920s dance 16) You can’t really use this candy for support, gramps 18) This candy is found on a strip of paper 20) A classic novel, with three of these
6) Individually wrapped chewy candy, originally known as Opal Fruits 8) Also the name of a Burger King staple 9) Pennsylvania town and huge chocolate manufacturer 10) A notoriously fancy chocolate company 11) M&M’s seductive mascot is this color 13) Bart Simpson was the face of this in the 90s 14) Peanut butter cup brand with over 21 variations 17) This mint had a whole Seinfeld episode 19) Caramel and cookie covered in milk chocolate
DOWN 1) Little marshmallow chicks 3) Kids crushed these and snorted them, stupidly 5) Popular Easter chocolate egg
$150 GIFT CARD OR NEW LOW RATES WHEN YOU LOOK & LEASE WITHIN 48 HRS VOTED BEST APARTMENT COMPLEX
SAVE $225 WITH REDUCED FEES + ONLY PRIVATE SHUTTLE TO CAMPUS & ALBERT STREET + CHECK OUT OUR 3 BED / 3 BATH FLOOR PLAN WITH WALK-IN CLOSETS
THELODGESOFEASTLANSING.COM 517.333.3220 • 2700 HANNAH BLVD RATES, FEES, DEADLINES & UTILITIES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE | LIMITED TIME ONLY | WHILE SUPPLIES LAST
get a
$240 GIFT CARD -or-
RATES AS LOW AS $429 when you sign a lease on a 4/2 floor plan
+ SAVE $200 WITH ZERO DEPOSIT NEW FASTER INTERNET + FREE CATA BUS PASS
GREAT LOCATION + 24-HR FITNESS CENTER + FULLY FURNISHED + INDIVIDUAL LEASES
A P P LY O N L I N E @ A B B O T T P L . C O M 2501 Abbot Rd | 517.32 4 .9880 | text “ABBOT TPL” to 39 649 for more info standard text rates apply. rates, fees, deadlines & utilities subject to change. limited time only. while supplies last