Michigan State - Issue 13 - 4/10/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

PET

Vol. 10, Issue 13

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

SQU FREE. IRR .. LI EL I KE A NT HE DOR M

4/10/14 - 4/16/14

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS

GUY WHO ARGUES WITH WELLS HALL PREACHER GAVIN O’MARA WROTE THIS

Over time, the Wells Hall Preacher has become the one of the most prominent Michigan State assholes. He goes out of his way to tell us we’re all going to hell (as if we weren’t already aware), and makes little kids hold signs that might as well say “I’m with this idiot.” But another jabroni, who really doesn’t get enough credit for being a real pain in the ass, is the person who goes out of his way to argue with the Wells Hall Preacher. There isn’t just one, there are multitudes, but we were able to get a couple words in with one of the more notorious arguers, Dane Gleesack. We sat down to ask him a few questions: TBS: So, Dane, what is it that you hate about the Wells Hall Preacher? Is it his message, his demeanor, his borderline illegal use of children, or just his overall attitude towards life? DG: The guy is just so ignorant! He just can’t prove there is a god, so why does he take it upon himself to condemn other people? TBS: Wow, that is a great point Dane. Religion can be a tricky subject, and people do feel very strongly about it. What’s your take on— DG: I just really hope he gets stricken with some sort of deadly, incurable disease that causes him to die a slow and painful death. Preferably something that makes his dick fall completely off. I mean, that asshole totally deserves it. TBS: Whoa, slow down there Arya Stark, wishing that upon anyone seems pretty harsh. Isn’t not respecting other people’s opinions, while strongly holding onto your own, the Wells Hall Preacher’s problem in the first place? DG: What the fuck are you talking about, bro? He’s obviously an idiot, because he believes the wrong opinions. If you have the right opinions — like I do because I’m smart as shit — then you have the right to scream in their faces, tell them they’re wrong and call them any profanity you’d like. TBS: That seems pretty extreme, Dane. Are you sure that— DG: Let me stop you right there. People like that “preacher,” if they don’t listen to facts, they should probably just go kill themselves because I hate them, and no doubt the world does too.

TBS: Dane, could you put away your e-cig until the end of the interview? DG: Don’t kill my ‘baccy buzz, bro. It’s harmless.

because that would make more sense than you, idiot! I’ve read the preface to, like, two Richard Dawkins books, and I watch Bill Maher at least once a month! I think I know what I’m talking about. If there was a god, he wouldn’t create such butt-chuggers like you. I’m out bitch!

TBS: Okay then. How do you really know you’re 100% right? We all know that most of the stuff the preacher babbles about, like God hating gays, and every college student being a doomed savage, is complete and utter bigotry and nonsensical bullshit. What if, to play the devil’s advocate, there is some sort of higher power? DG: Ha! I might as well just take a dump and rub it on a piece of paper,

Gleesack spit on our shoes, gave us the bird, and rollerbladed away. An MSU Union janitor standing next to us said, despite also being an atheist, he respects others’ beliefs. With regards to Gleesack, he said “That guy might have been the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen.” We couldn’t agree more.

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PAGES 12-13

DRUNK COOKING

FLIRTING WITH YOUR PIZZA DELIVERY GUY

WE INTERVIEW: THE ORWELLS

OUR CULINARY EXPERT BREAKS DOWN HOW TO COOK UP A GOURMET MEAL WHEN YOU’RE THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND.

WE TEACH YOU HOW TO LEAVE AN EMOTIONAL MARK ON YOUR PIZZA GUY, AND MUCH MORE.

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HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PANTS WERE NEVER INVENTED?

LIVING THE DREAM

DRUNK COOKING,

THE COLLEGE LIFESTYLE

MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS You went STR, you are famished, drunk, and just got home on a Friday night. Those tequila shots did a number on your appetite and you’re ready for some drunchies. As you stumble into your kitchen and start talking to your roommate in a language that only Jabba the Hutt would understand, you suddenly realize you spent all your cash at the bar and have no idea what (or how) to cook. Fret not! We have composed a four-course meal complete with dessert and cooking instructions that are sure to satisfy those drunk cravings. It’s all instant food, so don’t worry about measurements and all that business. You Will Need: - Chef Boyardee Ravioli - Easy Mac - Frozen pizza - Self forgiveness Appetizer: Chef Boyardee Given that you’re drunk and are going to have less patience than Bill O’Reilly at gay wedding, you’ll need some good ways to distract yourself from how hungry you actually are. Enter: appetizers. While your oven is preheating to 400 degrees for the pizza you’re going to devour later, grab some Chef Boyardee ravioli. It’s instant gratification if you eat it from the can, too, so crack it open and enjoy. Feel free to pull up your ex’s Facebook for further distraction. Now you can compare yourself to their new fling and think of all the reasons you’re better than them as you shovel canned ravioli into your face and choke back sadness. So far, you’ve come up with that she looks like an UConn cheerleader. Second Appetizer: Ramen After you’re done downing that delectable(?) ravioli, it’s time for the second course: Easy Mac! You’re in college, so we both know you have some. Grab another cold glass of water, as you are likely to burn your tongue due to your decreased sense of pain and increased sense of not caring about scalding hot temperatures. You’ll also burn your hands taking the bowl out of the microwave, so keep that cold water running. Red Cedar water is good for burns, anyway. Also, as you feel your inner Jamie Oliver coming out, it is time to add some allure to this stuff. Add bacon bits, ketchup, and ranch, whatever Drunk You can think of! Make sure to stir it and really blend all of it together. Finish with a pinch of pepper. Main Course: Pizza Finally, after staring at the oven four what seemed like hours, the DiGiorno frozen pizza is no longer frozen and is ready for you to eat! Lucky for you, it’s a deluxe pizza with all that sausage, peppers, onion, and pepperoni. Try to remember your oven mitts; your hands will still be sore from burning them on that Easy Mac. Set a timer on your phone and attempt to eat the entire pizza in less than five minutes. The next morning expect to find sauce stains on your couch, and your face. Start thinking of your apology to your roommate now, too. They’re not going to be happy. That was their pizza. Dessert: Regret and Water As you begin to sober up (hopefully), you’ll realize that you just ate enough to satisfy a stoned Rosie O’Donnell. This is where all that self-forgiveness comes in. You’ll need more than a pinch—apply as needed. Once you’ve made peace with what you just did to your kitchen, chug a big glass of water and go to bed. You’ll deal with it in the morning.

THE

TOP

TEN

DRY LOCATIONS TO HAVE SEX ON CAMPUS HALIE WOODY WROTE THIS

We’ve all heard someone bragging about banging on the dance floor at the bar, but is that really impressive? Bars are great places to meet, drink, and be sexually aroused, so it’s not that innovative to get lucky at the local watering hole. To keep your Spartan sex-game strong and surprising, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of ten dry places where doing the deed is actually pretty damn impressive. 10.) Library: A fantasy amongst all Spartans is to get railed against some of the finest works of literature mankind has produced (or magazines about bugs). Be cautious of the basement, which is the silent floor. It’s a no-go down there unless you’re a mute or have super weird silent-sex. Stick to the busier floors where your moans and groans will go unnoticed by nerds babbling about hacking Desrire2Learn. 9.) Basement of the International Center: The perfect place to dabble your dick in some international flavors. You’re bound to run into hundreds of bilingual beauties here. If you’re skilled in speaking the language of love you just might find someone looking to fit in a quickie downstairs. 8.) The Visitor Information Center: Driving down Service Road, you may barely notice this hidden gem, which makes it an ideal location to get your funk on. Make sure you turn on the large neon “open” sign to let passing visitors know you’re open for business. If visitors actually stop by for information, throw copies of The Black Sheep at them and say it’s all they need to know. 7.) Planetarium: Get ready to be fingerblasted (or launch your rocket) into another dimension in this spacey wonderland. Dimly lit and quiet, Abrams Planetarium is not only romantic, but an excellent place to fornicate without any outsiders realizing what kind of sick twisted shit you’re actually doing. Warning: they do shows for kids there, so make sure to note the schedule so you don’t end up a sex offender. 6.) Vet Med Center: Make like a dog and fuck freely as an animal would. Vet Med is a place where it’s acceptable to feed your animalistic desires and feel no shame. Of course doggy-style is the go-to here, but don’t discount froggy-style, monkey-style, or wounded-bird-style. Make sure your moans and groans mimic those of a large mammal so as to remain unnoticed. 5.) Beaumont Tower: The place for a bang unlike any other. The scenic view from atop the tower gives off a nostalgic feeling as if you were once Quasimodo looking to romance your Esmeralda. If you are able to find a way to make it up to the top of the tower without getting caught by PACE you deserve to bust a nut in this monument. Bonus points for playing a tune while you smash the poon. 4.) Baker Woodlot: There’s a chance you might get murdered in this vacant, spooky wood…lot but that’s part of what makes it so sexually arousing! Acres upon acres of free fuck space, this open area is a wonderful place to keep in mind as the spring approaches. When the flowers are in bloom and the grass is green, your spring will be sprung in no time. 3.) Broad Art Museum: Anything goes at the Art Museum. If you’re really feeling ambitious, make your sexcapade into a public exhibit. There’s bound to be some artsy-fartsy onlooker that will tune in and take it seriously. Maybe throw in some paint on your nipples and shout random, sexual phrases like “clitoral freedom” and “desire like wildfire!” It’s all about expressing yourself here. 2.) Beal Botanical Garden: Once the weather warms, find your lover and make like Adam and Eve in this serene setting. Exotic plants galore, Beal Botanical Garden is the perfect place to spill your seed. Don’t eat anything that might be poisonous, though. You want to live to fuck another day. 1.) Spartan Stadium: The Holy Grail of all places to shag. Rose Bowl Champions have stepped on these glorious grounds and it is only fitting that, as a fellow Spartan, you christen them while you destroy the sex like it was a B1G foe. You may not have a championship under your belt but you’ll feel like one if you can conquer this challenge.

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IDEAL MSU STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T STAFF WROTE THIS As April rolls in, the calm spring winds are probably already drying your sopping wet cheeks from incessantly sobbing over one internship rejection after the other. Usually, the blow of professional disappointment is softened when word comes around that none of your friends have landed any of their prestigious, career-starting pathways out of their parents’ houses yet either. This year, however, students all over campus are sharing a collective contempt for that one over-qualified sonofabitch who just happened to land every dream internship they didn’t. “Like, of course that smug asshole gets to work at Google for the summer,” remarked Greg Innis, a junior in computer science. “Seriously, how could the internship advisors over there pick such an abhorrent prick? No matter what MP me and the other guys in CS work on, he never complains about our professors with us. He just, like a complete and total asshole, does the work thoroughly

without so much as a peep of discontent, and even throws in some lame-ass ‘innovative solution’ on top of it. He makes more work for himself. What a chode, for crissake.” The MSU student who has indirectly crushed the summer dreams of many a well-balanced and qualified student is now forced with the decision to decide from thousands of internships across all disciplines. Ranging from working with underprivileged kids in rough neighborhoods to aiding with intensive neuropsychological research, the campus-proclaimed “Douchebag of the Summer” has been relatively quiet about his accomplishments, only going so far as to call his parents about his success and reply honestly when people ask him, “So, what are you doing for this summer?” “He got into Leo Burnett. Leo FUCKING Burnett,” wailed Stephanie Birmingham, a junior in advertising. “That agency has been the only

place I have applied to for the past 3 years of my life, and I couldn’t even tell you how extensive my portfolio is with one social media managing internship after the other. But what does that selfish shitstain do? He goes ahead and designs his own personal website that looks leagues better than my professional Tumblr. Like, it has slickly designed widgets and everything. The kid’s not even an ad major, I don’t get it. Landing this internship was my dream, and he literally took the biggest postChipotle shit all over it. Now I might have to settle for freelancing …” Student reports have claimed that the internship-studded student is very confident and focused in terms of his strengths, but it would help if he wasn’t such a “pompous asshat” about it. Outside of exceling in his studies, the student also holds leadership positions in a few clubs on campus, which is not unlike the average college student. However, what turns the student population

off is the fact that he makes it seem like he genuinely enjoys the added stress without considering how it boosts his resume. “Do you honestly think I give two shits about the publication I’m working at right now?” commented a disgruntled The State News editor after learning that the rival student landed a coveted editorial spot at The New Yorker. “I could care less about the integrity of half the ramblings that get posted in this paper. All I want companies to see is the big, bold “EDITOR of whatever” on my LinkedIn. But this fucking guy, I tell you … I have to walk past him every single time he walks to and from one of his organization meetings … always smiling. He said ‘hello’ to me last time I passed him, and I literally began thinking of ways to eviscerate him on the spot and choke him with his own intestines.” The editor abruptly left the interview shortly thereafter, claiming that he needed to channel his un-supported and

tasteless anger through another opinion piece. We were able to speak with the university’s most deplored student as he was catching up on some emails at Espresso Royale, passively dodging epithets and hate speech from passing students that even we can’t legally print. The student claimed that he was “shocked” to have received accept letters from all of his internship applications, and that he felt “truly blessed and lucky” to see his hard work pay off at this crucial

point in his life. He also mentioned that he hoped for “nothing but the best” for any of his fellow students feeling a little discouraged and that they should “continue to seize the day and turn yesterday’s failure into tomorrow’s success.” As a staff full of writers who will spending our summer making a few issues filled with uninspired dick jokes and townie-pandering humor, we at The Black Sheep concur that, yes, what a complete and total asshole.

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JUST THE TIPS: FLIRTING WITH YOUR PIZZA DELIVERY GUY LIZ ALLEN WROTE THIS

It’s 11:00 p.m. and you’ve had one too many glasses of wine, so you do what comes naturally and order a Goomba’s pizza. After anxiously awaiting its arrival and drinking more wine, you hear a knock at the door, and open it to see one beautiful angel of a man, like George Clooney hot, only hotter because he comes bearing food. You suddenly realize that you’re hungry for something else, and we’re here to help you land that hot slice of D! With our advice you’ll have the food jockey of your dreams wanting to dip his breadstick into your marinara sauce. Warning: If things get too weird you may have to find a new pizza place. So far this has happened to us… twice. Tip in an Unconventional Way: Tip in such a way that will make him want to give you his tip. Example: give him chocolate chip cookies, because who hasn’t wanted, nay, desired both pizza and cookies simultaneously? Or, you can write life hacks on flashcards such as: “If you wear a hooded sweatshirt backwards you can put popcorn in the hood and then you won’t waste time using a bowl.” Please note: these tips should be in addition to, not in lieu of, your cash tip. Obey the Three Second Rule: You know the old dating rule “wait three days before you call or text”. Well it’s like that, except you have to wait 3 seconds after his final knock to open the door so you don’t appear too eager. Doing so in a bathrobe adds sultry surprise to your introduction. Tell a Terrible Joke: Say something like, “Guess what time it is?” When he responds with the actual time, which he will if he’s a

normal person, shoot back, “No, it’s half past pepperoni!” He will be instantly smitten by how punny you are and will propose on the spot. Express Your Deepest Desires: Whisper those three special words into his ear: “More ranch, please.” If he isn’t disgusted by you dousing your crust in thick, creamy ranch, you might have found your soul mate. If he loves the dressing as much as you do, offer to pour it all over your body. Confess Your Love (or Don’t): Depending on how crazy you want to seem, telling your delivery dude you love him might be the best and/or worst thing you can do. When he says, “have a nice night,” assess the situation. If it’s just the right amount of awkward, shout “I love you!” before he leaves the hall. This is the food service equivalent of calling your teacher “mom.” When All Else Fails: Answer the door without pants on. Boldness is your ace in the hole and you need to embrace it. Delivering food is stressful—you’d be surprised at the amount of delivery guys down for a quickie. And what’s better than getting laid than laying it down on some pizza? There you have it, all the tips you need to make your pizza delivery guy either want you, or want to stay away from you forever. There’s really no in between, so don’t get discouraged. Just remember, if you marry your pizza guy thanks to these tips, you have to invite The Black Sheep to your wedding. And the cake better just be twenty pizzas stacked on top of each other with a ranch fountain. Mmm, holy matrimony!

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January 2010

The Bar Grid

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.

$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday! (except: Wed.)

½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT Wednesday Daily Specials: Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Thursday 4/10

$3 Pints of Guinness, Harp, Smithwicks and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, John Powers, $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish Nachos and Thursday Friday Chicken Thumbs Saturday 31 1 2

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Global Village

It’s Labatt Thirsty Thursday! First Pitch 7:05 PM!

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

College Students Eat Free! Get a free slice of pizza, chips and soda with valid ID! First Pitch is 7:05 PM

$3.50 All Flavored Vodka, $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime, $5 Spartan Bombs

Day Drink with Baseball! First Pitch is 2:05 PM!

Closed - Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

Day Baseball! First Pitch is 2:05PM!

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

The Lugnuts return home April 22nd

$2 Wells, $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

NO COVER!, $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Find us on Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram: @LansingLugnuts

Wednesday 4/16

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

What Day is it? Next Hump Day is Next Week! Hump Day Happy Hour 7-8PM

Thursday 4/17

$1 Off Bombs $3 Fireball, Fire & Ice Shots, Rumpleminz $3 Draft Pints

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM! 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Next Labatt Thirsty Thursday is Next Week!

Saturday 4/12

7 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Monday 4/14

9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Lt,The Ice Boxers Miller Lite, Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Donnie D

21 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 Pints of Coors

STAR FARM

Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, 29 30 $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Beats DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

DJ Beats

$3 Bloody Marys, $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, For More Information Contact Us: Coors Lt, (517) 3512222 Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!

Tuesday 4/15

$1 Off Bombs $3 Fireball, Fire & Ice Shots, 8 Rumpleminz, $3 Draft Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.50 DJ Minze (Back Bar) Pints of Coors DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bud Light, Labatt

Sunday 4/13

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

4/11: College Students Eat Free! Get a free slice of pizza, chips and soda with valid ID! First Pitch is 7:05 PM

Friday 4/11

THURSDAY:

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TUES: 2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2! AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

Go Green! Specials Run Monday-Sunday All Day & Night!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap w/ Fries 11am to 3 pm $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/ Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 4/10

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic) 1/2 off Apps 6-11pm, Famous Friday “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the Famous

Free small fry with the purchase of any dawg and drink (ask for it!)

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

Friday 4/11

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

Saturday 4/12

Closed. Follow us on Facebook!

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Sunday 4/13

Closed. Follow us on Facebook!

$2 Domestic Bottles, $3 Premium/Micro/ Craft Bottles, $4 Featured Martinis, $2.50 Glasses of House Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Monday 4/14

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers

Tuesday 4/15

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wednesday 4/16

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 4/17

$4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the D-Town

Half off apps ALL DAY $4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels Breakfast and Beer! Add a domestic pint for $1 $4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices), 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

All Day! $2 Domestic Bottles Not Valid on Home Game Days

$4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2!

All Day Long, all Mega Menu Items for $1 off!! AFTER 6PM: Fill your own mug (must be a mug & must be 32oz or under) of Labatt’s Blue for only $3!

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

AFTER 6PM...Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

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AN ENGLISH MAJOR DESPERATELY EXPLAINING WHY THE WORLD STILL NEEDS THEM MSU STAFF WROTE THIS

Fellow Spartans, all of us regularly encounter at least one flock of English majors shouting to the heavens as to why their parents pay $20,000 a year to churn out a glorified secretary. Yes, in this day and age when the Dewey Decimal System has been replaced by Wikipedia and grocery store cashiers are being shuffled out by self-operated registers, English majors are struggling to find themselves relevant in the world. You were too drunk to remember what went on, but the conversation went something like this: You’re about five beers deep at 3:00 p.m. when a cute girl sits beside you at Rama. You ask her what her major is. This is where the conversation spirals out of control and you lose all hope of leaving this place sober. “My major is completely relevant!” she exclaims, completely oblivious that you didn’t ask for her major’s relevancy. “Why, let me tell you, my adviser personally advocated for me to take 15 English

classes next year! While most are not ‘required’ or ‘relevant,’ when else would you ever run into the opportunity to focus on Medieval English Writing: 1392-1393?! These are the kinds of classes that test your intellect, prepping you for the real world!”While pondering what god-awful job forces one to know about the midmedieval writings of 1392, you continue to listen, still sucking down your Hamm’s. After a spell, another English major plops down next to you to join with her friend in discussing the benefits of being a potent fry cook by age 22. “Oh my God, Susan, did you overhear the exceptional news regarding class in nary two weeks?” Tracy asks quite sophisticatedly. “Sir Reginald Glabythsphere will be speaking on the possibility of completely eradicating the use of the word ‘transmogrify’ from the English language!” or some crazy shit like that. “Heavens, Tracy!” exclaims Susan, pinky pointing in the air from her beer mug. “However could we get along without

the use of such proper language?” Turning to you, she explains, “Did you know that English majors purposely use complex words in order to talk down to other people?” Alarmed at her friend’s face in reaction to these words, she quickly corrects herself. “I mean, we practice complex words in order to better strengthen our vocabulary! Of course, that’s why we use them; no underlying meaning to my words whatsoever!” Seeing your perplexed face at Susan’s backtracking of words, Tracy steps in. “Listen, I’m sure you have some major that’s less important for the world, but that’s okay,” says Tracy, suspecting you have one of those useless biophysics or accounting degrees. “Luckily, English majors can step in and solve the world’s problems! The English Department at Michigan State even says on their website that an English degree allows the definite possibility of achieving anything we want in the world! Most degrees you earn in college give you a definite job, like a finance degree will let you crunch

crappy numbers for some business, all in the meanwhile making you forget that the only thing you’ll ever amount to is the guy who sits in the back of the office, shooting spitballs at clients as they meander by. An English degree opens up the realm of possibility of anything you want it to be!” The horror!

Yes, it’s always painful having to endure an English major cling to relevancy, even though their major went out of style approximately the same time as the horse-drawn carriage did. Of course, perhaps they don’t have it as bad as you will someday. Having mom’s homemade macaroni and cheese always on tap whilst living in her basement wouldn’t be the worst concern in the world.

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Relationship Status: Single

who wouldn’t want that?

Major: Poly sci

What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: “Old fashioned.”

Favorite Drink: Old fashioned

BARTENDER

Favorite Shot: Jäger Disgusting Drink: Any blended drink What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: When customers walk in and ask, “What is the cheapest thing you have?”

ROCKSTAR OF THE WEEK James of Beggar’s

DRINKING GAME Summer Festival Countdown If you’re like us, you’ve definitely had enough of school now to the point where you’re ready to admit that, this summer, you may have absolutely nothing going on job-wise, but there’s always festival season! To defend your $300 investment on standing in sweltering crowds of several thousands, cheer yourself up with this pre-game to the pre-game of your festival. What You’ll Need: The group of friends you’ll be concert-going/camping/drunkenly hooking up with for the summer, a computer or smartphone, and a matching Spotify playlist (optional) Number of Players: If you’re planning on heading to a festival alone, you probably already have your drinking plans set up for tonight … and tomorrow … and the rest of the weekend … Level of Intoxication: “Hey, these guys actually aren’t that bad! We should totally miss Outkast for them.” How to Play: Navigate your web browser to whatever festival you blew your parent’s money on this year. Make sure that the entire lineup is showing, not just headliners or “day-by-by” schedules. Starting at the top of the lineup, take a drink whenever one of the below criteria is met:

- There is a band making a “comeback.” - A band your parents saw back in the 80s is on the bill. - Any EDM artist surfaces – no exceptions. - A pop-punk band from your middle school days shows up out of nowhere. - A rapper who’s serious, hard-hitting lyrics about overcoming the struggles living in an awful neighborhood are found “most relatable” to affluent college kids shows up. - A band whose radio-abused single is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t name it comes up. - Anyone you haven’t the slightest clue about is on the bill (treat this as the finale). Everyone drinks when: - The phrase “God, this year’s lineup is so good” comes up. - The phrase “Hm … I mean, it’s no 2013, but it’s a solid lineup, right?” comes up. - The phrase “Holy shit, this lineup is fucking awful” inevitably comes up. Game Ends When: You’re either excessively excited for the festival or morally outraged at impulse buying.

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What is nature’s sexiest animal?: Easily the Panda Bear. Those things are a cuddle monster waiting to happen. Hello to unlimited snuggles!

What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: Definitely using too many commas.

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: A flare bottle, which is a glorified liquor bottle that doesn’t break. Considering how I’m the best bartender ever though, I obviously wouldn’t drop a bottle, so what’s the point?

If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: A combination of different types of hot wings. Is that allowed?

If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Orange Peel

Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse with a horn? Explain: Probably a regular horse with a horn; while it wouldn’t have nearly enough shock factor as a real life unicorn, it would attract a lot of attention, and

Can you believe we finally solved racism?: America has President Obama, so we’re well on our way. Yes! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m the feature article in this issue!

RECIPE for DISASTER Decked-Out Peanut Butter and Grilled Cheese Alright, time to stop kidding yourself: you’re running low on money. Whether your parents are cutting you off for the third year in a row of abysmal grades or you’ve just been giving up shifts at the dining hall, if there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s that you’re spending way too much on late-night pizzas and chicken strips. To cope, here’s a quick, easy, and cheap snack that you could honestly make right now within the comfort of your own home … if you’re properly sauced at 2:30 in the morning, of course. What You Need: A toaster or George Foreman Grill (we prefer the latter because the grill lines at least make it seem like we dined out for the night.), 6 slices of bread (3 at the very LEAST. You can stack this sucker up as high as you want, baby.), Peanut butter, Your favorite flavor of jelly, Plastic cheese singles (if you’re fancy enough to be toting around deli-style carvings, then leave us peasants alone.) Cook Time: About 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: If it’s come to this, you can’t really complain about feeling a little queasy. Let’s Get Baked: - Fire up the George Foreman and place as many slices of bread on the grill as possible. If you have one of those fancy-schmancy industrial-sized

ones that can fit ALL 6 slices on at once, then congratulations: your parents love you more than ours. - Periodically check the toast to see if it’s grilled to your liking, but, you only want to get halfway there. - Remove the toast and begin assembling the first deck of the sandwich by placing a cheese single on a slice, following by another slice, followed by another single, and finished off with another slice. Look at you and your college education! - Begin assembling the second deck of the sandwich by applying the same concepts we learned in chapter 1 (the above step). This time, of course, stick to layers of peanut butter and jelly. - Carefully place the finished sandwich back on the grill. It’ll heat things up fast, so if the scent of burning cheese makes your nose hairs tear up, be attentive. - Remove the sandwich without searing your hand. - Stuff that sucker down before you sober up to visible regret. We know, we know. This is budget cooking to the absolute extreme. But if years of mixing assorted liquors together have taught us anything, it’s that, with practice, mixing assorted foods won’t make you sick all the time.

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THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS:

THE ORWELLS BRENDAN BONHAM WROTE THIS

E, G U H ET G ’T N O D LS EL W R O E IF TH T. A H L A IC R O H P A ET M R U O T EA LL E’ W U.S . TIME OF DAY ABOUT THEIR UPCOMING THE US E GIV TO G LIN WIL S WA MO E. FRONTMAN MARIO CUO OUT, AND A LEGENDARY TV APPEARANC NG PPI DRO , ONS ATI PIR INS HIS R, TOU

TBS: You guys are from Elmhurst, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. How did growing up in that environment influence your music? Cuomo: There really wasn’t shit to do besides play football or skate a bunch. Other than that, there wasn’t jack shit to do, so we just started having a fucking band practice every Friday for a few years.

TBS: Letterman loved the performance. What is it like to connect with someone musically, someone who is in their late 60s or early 70s? Cuomo: It’s really cool. It’s nice to know anyone can enjoy our music—it doesn’t have to be some fuckin’ teenager or guy in his early 20s. It can be anyone. It’s a lot cooler than bands who only reach a certain demographic.

TBS: When did you know you could actually do this? Cuomo: Probably, like, my senior year of high school.

TBS: You’re playing Chicago on your American leg of the tour. Does coming home mean anything special to you? Cuomo: It’s just another show.

TBS: Did it ever cross your mind to do college or anything? Cuomo: I wanted to do the band thing so much that I dropped out of high school so I could eliminate the chance of going to college. TBS: It’s you, your cousin and a pair of brothers in The Orwells. Do you think this family angle changes how you guys interact with one another from a band perspective? Cuomo: I don’t think it makes a difference. We’re close in different ways, but it’d be the same if we weren’t related. TBS: How does the creative process work? Cuomo: Our guitarist will come up with a fucking sweet riff or a demo or something. Then he’ll show it to all of us. We’ll play it through a couple of times. If it sounds good enough I’ll write lyrics for it right there. TBS: Is your lyrically dark imagery something you’re going for? Cuomo: Some of that stuff was written at a time when I wasn’t really having it—I didn’t know if the fucking band thing would work out or if I was fucked and I’d have to go get a shitty job because I don’t have qualifications for anything. I didn’t know if I was going to be kicked out and shit. I wasn’t in the best mood, in general. But, I like dark shit. TBS: Your live shows are legendary. How do you get ready for something like that? Cuomo: I have a couple of drinks. TBS: How do you know if you’re having a good live show? Cuomo: I go apeshit every time. If I go apeshit every time my head hurts and I’m sweaty as a motherfucker. I’m really exhausted. That’s how I know I did my part—if I’m fucking beat after. TBS: Your Late Show with David Letterman performance was out of control. Is that pretty indicative of what a live show is like? Cuomo: That could very well be exactly what you see during a set at a venue.

TBS: What about Lollapalooza in 2013? Cuomo: That was a milestone thing. It was a real big deal to us. TBS: How did you react to finding out you want to play Lolla? Cuomo: It was pretty sweet, but a little different. We got a booking agent and the first question he asked us was, “Do you want to play Lollapalooza.” The next year we were. It was so cool. I was looking forward to it the whole year, and it kept me super-positive. If something shitty happened, it’s just, “We’re playing Lollapalooza.” TBS: What else do you look at as career milestones? Cuomo: Opening for The Black Lips on New Year’s a year ago.

TBS: Are they a big influence on you guys? Cuomo: Yeah, huge. TBS: Do you take anything away from someone like that when you watch them play live? Cuomo: Um, it’s an honor, but it’s one of the first bands we saw in Logan Square Auditorium. It was the craziest fucking thing. Until then I thought it was the cool thing to—like, bands who look like they don’t give a shit, they play their set without moving too much—I saw The Black Lips and they were using their guitars as baseball bats to hit beers into the crowd. It was the coolest shit I’ve ever seen. I thought, “I’d rather be like these dudes.” TBS: Who else inspires you? Cuomo: In high school probably the biggest influence to me was Tyler the Creator. TBS: Really? Cuomo: Yeah, I listened to them all of the time—I was like, “Fuck school, I wanna tour and have crazy-ass shows like these guys.” When I saw Odd Future they had one of those shows where they were just going off, it was one of those badass shows. He just owns shit, and I was like, “I want to be like that.” I look up to him so much. He’s proof. If he did it, then it’s doable. TBS: What does it mean to you to be successful? Cuomo: When a bunch of people love you and a bunch of people hate the shit out of you.

the crossword

famous michaels

ACROSS: 2) Legendary Chicago Bears football player and coach. 4) Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development, two words. 5) What disesase does Michael J. Fox suffer from? 7) Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs, is on

which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.

DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers, baby, two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog fighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.

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