The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue
Volume 7, Issue 14 12/5/12 - 12/12/12
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Borantine:
The act of locking oneself into a quiet area to force oneself to study for an upcoming exam. "Neil put himself into borantine because he knew Adam and Keith would force him to play beer pong, and he really needed to ace his biology exam."
Meet The Staff campus managers Ziev Beresh & Justin Gawel
photographer Bailey Paskiewicz
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are you smarter than? Ruchira: the International Studen 1) United States History: Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.
6) Entertainment: Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -- among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.
2) Food: The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.
7) Literature: This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.
3) Geology: These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces or rock make up the Earth’s crust?
8) World Religion: Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?
4) Math: Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.
9) Biology: What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?
5) Technology: The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.
10) Current Events: Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.
correct answers:
Ruchira’s answers 1) The Alamo 2) Pounds 3) Tectonic 4) Radius: center point to a point on the outside of the circle. Diameter: a point from either side of a circle that passes trough the center,
1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the edge of a circle to its center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus
Circumference: 2πr or the boundary of a circle. 5) Driving a car 6) Dr. Spock 7) Jeffery Archer 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) Mitt Romney
ruchira's score: 4/10 correct
Quiz: What late night EL eatery are you?
3.) Your typical Friday night includes… A) Going home with yet another hook-up. Hey, there’re no judgments in slutty trouble. B) Licking the floral print wallpaper in your grandmother’s basement during a bad trip… again. C) BaR CrAwL!~! D) You passing out in a stranger’s bathroom with your pants around your ankles. 4.) Your drink of choice tends to be… A) Anything that tastes like Kool-Aid. B) Beer. C) Everclear from the bottle, straight and chasing with high-fives. D) Whiskey and Dr. Pepper.
7.) On Sunday morning, you… A) Live like a sickly vampire in your room with the blackout curtains drawn. B) Get up and hit the gym. Hangovers are for pussies. C) Wake up, confused, in a ditch with someone else’s blood on your shirt. D) Sleep. Sunday doesn’t technically start till 3 p.m. in East Lansing, like, let’s get real. 8.) If we were to play the last song you were listening to, we’d hear… A) Some fake-hipster trash that we will inevitably judge you for. B) Some classic hip-hop and rap shit, you roll with old-school style. Props. C) An embarrassing pop song that you probably shouldn’t admit to loving. D) Peter Fucking Frampton.
5: A=1 B=4 C=3 D=2 6: A=4 B=3 C=2 D=1
7: A=1 B=2 C=4 D=3 8: A=2 B=3 C=1 D=4
answer key
6.) In class, you… A) Wait, class? B) Daydream of dragons and unicorns. C) Take notes—work hard, play harder. D) Consistently fall asleep in a puddle of drool.
3: A=4 B=3 C=1 D=2 4: A=2 B=1 C=4 D=3
2.) If you could be one famous MSU personality, you’d be… A) Tom Izzo. B) The Naked Professor. C) Coach Dantonio. D) Lou Anna K.
5.) When you make a sandwich, you generally use… A) Salami. B) Anything you can find, and BBQ sauce. C) Corned beef. D) Pickles, mustard, and an obscene amount of cheese. So much cheese. It doesn’t even matter that it gives you nightmares.
1: A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 2: A=2 B=4 C=3 D=1
1.) You walk into a party and… A) Raid the cabinets for alcohol like you’re David Hasselhoff on a bender. B) Crash into the nearest group of people, you forever bold social butterfly. C) Yell profanities on the sidelines of the beer pong table. D) Fall asleep on the couch, having pre-gamed a bit too hard.
By: Zoë Kremke
8-12 Points: Georgio’s Pizza You’re a cool dude. Forever a classy drunk, you stick with the timeless modes of having fun—alcohol and lots of it, not to mention your whole “do it for the story” motto, which we endorse wholeheartedly and whole-fartedly. 13-18 Points: Conrad’s College Town Grill A little more advanced, and possibly a little less sane of an individual, you are represented by Conrad’s with good reason. With your versatility and ability to adapt, you are awesome, and definitely a good time. More than likely you’re “that” guy or girl, but that’s not a bad thing. Keep it up, you sassy devil. 19-24 Points: Menna’s Joint You don’t dick around. When you go, you go hard as a motherfucker. We respect your dedication, and your stoner-status, because what’s the point if you half-ass it, right? So you go ahead and order that dub with pride, because you are the balls.
The Top ten
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page 7
Things We Didn’t Cover in 2012
Sparty’s Finals Schedule Alex Everard wrote this Fall 2012 Finals Week Schedule PID: A43741721 Student Name: Spartacus W. Spartan Monday Exam 1: Body Building 404 Time/Location : 8:30 a.m. Football practice field Exam Description: Students will be evaluated based on ability to show off glamour muscles while completing a rigorous obstacle course. Students must exterminate at least (but not limited to) four out of the eight of the most annoying mascots in the Big Ten. Three of these mascots MUST be Bucky Badger, Brutus Buckeye, and a geriatric fuck in a Michigan sweater. Students will also be expected to complete upwards of 70 push-ups in a 30-second span to receive a passing grade. Important: 50% of final exam grade is based on a “creative showmanship” portion: biceps, abdominals, and back muscles (refer to Chapter 3: “Thunderguns and You”). Tuesday Exam 2: Psychology of a Spartan Time/Location: 12:20 p.m. Psychology Building Exam Description: Students will be given a 75-question multiple-choice exam with a 500word written response portion. The multiplechoice questions will be tailored towards the four cornerstones of Spartan Psychology: Dominance, Physical Prowess, Body Language, and Sensual Lovemaking. The written response section will be one of the three prompts previously discussed during the course: - “What drives Spartans’ desire to be victorious in every aspect of life?” Be sure to include desire to win in both menial tasks like Quarters and laundry, as well as important tasks like athletics and inducing fear. - “How do Spartans vanquish all enemies and obtain glory, while retaining kindred traits like love, passion, and creativity?” Make note of the merciless slaughter of woodland creatures (e.g. wolverines) in contrast to scooping ice cream for small children on weekends (See Section 7: “Maim, Kill, Waffle Cone?”)
- “What evolutionary mutations have allowed Spartans to thrive in today’s world?” Discuss the generations-old knowledge of environment, coupled with the enhanced physical attraction, and the critical decision-making skills Spartans posses. Wednesday Exam 3: History of the Yoga Pant: 1962-Present Time/Location: 11:00 a.m. Wells Hall Exam Description: This final exam will be cumulative. All material viewed on power points and discussed in the text, especially Chapter 9: “Assessing Asses for the Masses: A History of the Yoga Pant in America,” will be eligible for the final. Additionally, there will be a twenty-minute visual quiz in the middle of the exam that will comprise 35% of the final score. The visual quiz will cover images from previous power points. Students will be required to identify the various eras of the yoga-pants AND identify the type of ass (including, but not limited to: “Kournikovian,” “Kardashian,” “Monroe,” “The Jackie O,” and, of course “The Pancake”). Students will finish the exam with an oral presentation on the evolution of the Yoga Pant in Western Culture. Thursday Exam 4: Mixology 306 Time/Location: 1:30 a.m. Richard’s American Cafeteria. Exam Description: All course members will be tested in real-life scenarios at a real-life shitshow. Students will be expected to exercise skills acquired over the course, such as: how to make shitty Long Islands, how to make shitty Johnny Vegases, and how water down vodka. All of these tasks are considered to be mandatory. Optionial portions of the field exam will include: how to properly tell a girl she has puke in her hair, what to do when you see a penis, and how/when to discretely cut off a bro. Students will either receive a grade of “Affluent” or “Not About That Rack-City Life.” If a student receives a “NATRCL” grade he or she will be not receive course credit.
10.) The Olympics: A fun summer event that reminds Americans of how much more awesome we are than the rest of the world. God bless this country, home of the extremely obese and the fanatically patriotic. 9.) The Detroit Tigers: Boys of Summer: you will always be more adored than the Boys from Brazil—at least in the pro-Semitic parts of Michigan (i.e. anywhere but Howell). Despite the Tigers coming up short this year we still love them all, except you, Jose Valverde - you can go play in traffic. 8.) The Absence of Nachofest: ‘Twas a sad day when Michigan passed the keg law requiring a name on purchased kegs, thus effectively ending Nachofest for legal responsibility reasons. Though the event may be on permanent hiatus, the brotherhood forged in nachos, alcohol, and peeing in public will remain forever strong. 7.) MSU Football: Much like anything starring Ashton Kutcher, our initial enthusiasm quickly turned into disappointment and, much like all the students with tickets who stopped attending, we too stopped caring about the one thing nobody is supposed to stop caring about. 6.) The End of Twinkies: A lunchbox staple for children of nutritionally-ignorant parents everywhere, this simple, convenient treat’s stock rose faster than you can say “carbs” once Hostess announced they were closing. 5.) Opening of the Broad Museum: After a seemingly endless period of construction, we now have the world’s shiniest art display case. And everyone’s varying theories regarding what it looks like (a spaceship, a shark, a giant metal parallelogram) are correct. 4.) Wonders Hall Becomes Hogwarts: The Residence Hall Association (nerds) turned Wonders Hall into a Harry Potter wonderland for a night in November, complete with nonalcoholic butterbeer, Quidditch, and face painting. None of South Complex’s many athletes (of either sex) are reported to have attended. 3.) Obama’s Reelection: We certainly covered a lot of things in our election issue, and gave the Sesame Street cast a chance to voice their budget opinions to Romney. But we forgot to give our reaction to the POTUS’ winning again. This is because we were busy looking for the perfect election season seasoning: salt, for everyone’s wounds. 2.) Hurricane Sandy: A storm sharing the same name as the one-cent per ride mechanical horsey at Meijer blew in and dragged a New Jersey roller coaster out to sea. More like Hurricane Sand-in-my-V… Anybody?
1.) Naked Professor: A teacher exposing himself to students—it’s a tale as old as time. Apologies from us for missing this one. With our journalistic habits more rooted in “doodyhumor” than “breaking news,” we were behind and couldn’t report on this exposure of pasty professor-ass and an aged scrotum with enough extra skin to save a burn victim.
katrina nicholson wrotethis this ziev and justin wrote
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is the true reason for the season? "To remind us change is inevitable." - Tyler N., Sophomore
Santa’s Sweatshop Hit by Recession Andrew Rickerman wrote this NORTH POLE—Things aren’t what they used to be here and not just because of Al Gore-brand global warming. A place once filled with joy, purity, and all things peppermint has transformed into a place of lewd acts, oppression and despair (but still with lots of peppermint). What went wrong? How could the North Pole – home to Santa Claus and his cheerful army of elves and reindeer – be faced with such a grim reality? The answer is simple: economic recession. It is no secret that within the last decade the world has been spiraling out of control like a drunk relative on the dance floor at a wedding. The Greeks won’t stop killing each other, the only jobs available in Spain involve a red blanket and being trapped on a dirty floor with a pissed off bull, and the United States is handling its money about as well as MC Hammer. Amidst all of this turmoil, the North Pole is not exempt from a similarly gloomy fate. Joseph Jones, Elf Production Manager of the North Pole’s Toy Factory, says he began to notice changes in the workplace about two to three years ago. “Santa’s jolly and festive attitude eroded into one that was all about quarterly numbers and deadlines. He turned into a real prick,” says Jones. “We were no longer allowed to drink hot chocolate and schnapps on the job. As elves, we pride ourselves on what we do, and that’s hammering out great toys – regardless of how hammered we are. He took away our identity.”
"Christmas music and holiday spirits." - Phoebe R., Sophomore
the entire duration. We are forced to listen to angry German gibberish over the speakers, and, as this goes on, Santa quietly paces around the working quarters and ominously hovers over us. Whenever he wishes, he asks certain elves to take a break and ‘take a suck on his candy cane’ in his office. You never, never want that job.” Out of work and out of hope, laid-off elves face a bleak future and are unsure of where to go from here. “I don’t know what the big fuss is about,” says Barbie Flame, exotic dancer at Hoe Hoe Hoe Gentleelve’s Lounge. “Once I was laid off at the Toy Factory, some work friends and I came here. I make more than triple what I made back there, plus all the pixie dust I could blow. This is the best thing that has happened to me. And with a lot of the guy elves getting involved with the drug trade, business is-uh-boomin’!” Recent reports suggest that Santa and football superstar, Michael Vick, have formed a budding relationship revolving around reindeer fights. Since Vick’s conviction of operating a dog-fighting ring in the United States, he needed to find an alternative for his animal cruelty fix. Naturally, he moved on to reindeer. Santa, in need of another violent outlet to blow off steam (besides hitting Mrs. Claus), gladly obliged to the partnership offer. “Yeee-haw! Hell yea I can’t wait for the fights,” exclaims Archie Langford, former Toy Factory employee and current dust dealer. “This provides me a great opportunity for my own business and I’ve always wanted to see if that bitch reindeer, Prancer, could take a punch.”
This was not the end of drastic changes made at the Toy Factory. Faced with ever increasing demand and a shrinking budget, Santa was forced to lay off eighty percent of his nonunion workforce. The remaining workers were exposed to an even more extreme work environment.
The North Pole is beginning to look a lot more like Tijuana than a place cemented in holiday folklore, but it seems as if locals are embracing the change.
Jones continues, “It’s been dreadful. We work twenty-three and a half hour shifts, and we aren’t allowed to speak for
Santa was contacted for an interview, but he declined to comment.
"Ratchets" - Nick L., Freshman
page 7
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the madlib
the last day of the semester
It was the last day of the semester and ___1___ had just woken up. She grabbed her ___2___ and ___3___ it full of weed. “A ___4___ start to the end of the term,” she thought. She started ___5___ her bags full of ___6___ and looked around her dorm. “___7___,” she thought to herself, I need to get rid of all these ___8___ before my mom gets here. So she grabbed her ___9___ and began the ___10___ process of doing the final clean up. Just then, ___11___, her best friend busted through her door. “Guess what I found!” She exclaimed. She held up a ___12___ and ___13___ it in her ___14___. “Lets ___15___!” They both jumped up and down in ___16___ excitement. “But we have to do it quick,”___17___ said. “My parents are going to be here soon, and I’m already ___18___ fucked up.” They were the only two left on their floor, and they ___19___ until their ___20___ fell off. It was a gay old time, until their RA came down to inspect all of the noise. The RA saw that the two were ___21___ out of their minds and said, “You ___22___ , I’m right down the hall and you didn’t even invite me!” The two were flabbergasted. The three of them partied until the next morning, when they found their parents outside waiting with ___23___ . It was the best last day of the semester ever.
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Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 12/5
Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$0.60 Boneless Wings Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 12/6
TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 12/7 SAT, 12/8
Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
18+ Night! Doors open at 10
THURSDAY: Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
All Out Saturdays $3 Long Island $2 PBR and Keystone Drafts Late Night French Toast Sticks
Come try our Green Meanie!
Watch All the Games at BWW!
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
Country Night $1 Pints 6-8 P.M.
$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
LATE NIGHT SPECIALS 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 12/9
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$0.60 Boneless Wings Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 12/10
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
Wing Tuesday! $0.60 Traditional Wings Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 12/11
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
Lunch Madness 11AM – 2PM (15 Minutes or Less Starting at $6.99) Happy Hour 3-6pm: $1 Off All Tall Drafts Late Night Specials 9PM – CLOSE: $3 Select Appetizers & $3 Select Liquor Specials
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 12/12
Happy Hour Tue-Sun 6-9 P.M. $2 Everything Bar Crawl? Contact Marc@elevatedendeavors.com
1/2 OFF NIGHT!
18+ Night! Doors open at 10
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up
Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.
DJANGO UNCHAINED
KESHA - WARRIOR
WII U
Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox
lame
cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors
GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP
JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL
under-hyped
HOTLINE MIAMI
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U y z a r C
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Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a Scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?
for the very virginal Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”
• 1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4): When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. • 1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5): Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. • 1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6): Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. • 1 4gb MircoSD Card ($4): He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.
for the mother hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. • 1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10): With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls
from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. • 1 Leash ($6): Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. • 1 Whistle bracelet ($2): As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. • 1 Appointment book ($2): If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.
for the brokest of bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. • 1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50): He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. • 1 12oz bottle of Sriracha
sauce ($3): Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. • 2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9): The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. • 1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6): Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.
for the rowdy roommate The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet. • 1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6): Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immedi-
ately” like spackle for the holidays. • 1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6): The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. • 1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4): It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. • 1 Korky Plunger ($4): Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”
for the super study buddy If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick? • 1 Starbucks gift card ($5): She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you
by morning. • 1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8): If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? • 1 Post-it tags ($4): She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. • 1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3): Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.
for the hometown homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday -- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. • 1 Soda Can Stash ($8): No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. • 4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill ($4): When she’s
forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” tshirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for bigconference sports brings. • 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5): When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. • 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3): When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.
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theblacksheeponline.com
A Spartan’s Guide to Surviving Apocalypse 2012 meg enter wrote this Back in the days of yore, those sexy little Mayans south of many borders decided to put their heads together and predict the exact day the world would come to a screeching halt. The end of times has been predicted before, like the (warranted) predictions of Y2K and the Rapture, but like a drunk hand jibber that’s all nails, these prophecies never came to fruition. Now, like a bitter ex-girlfriend damning all men to hell, society has lost hope in the possibility of a mind-blowing, orgasmic end-of-the-world cataclysmic event, despite it occurring in only a few weeks. However, the other predictions were made by crusty old whities who lacked Mayan wisdom, so you can bet your sweet, sassy cheeks on December 21st fireballs will start cascading from the sky, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will saddle up, and all women will simultaneously have their periods. On that note, we optimistic Spartans need a game plan for when December 21st slaps its apocalyptic dick across our beautiful faces and the menstrual blood floods the streets. Prepare!: Before December 21st hits, there are a few important steps to take to arm you with the best physical preparation. Since radioactive decay is never out of the question, slowly introducing Red Cedar water into your diet is key in order to build an appropriate immunity for when the world boils and these toxins invade the lungs of East Lansing. With the possibility of a massive nearby star imploding, a mylar spacesuit is always a safe bet—naturally, the more Ghostbustersesque the better. Running is also crucial, so stop putting frosting on everything and lose that gut. Now, of course, the primary concern should be making sure we have some sort of entertainment source and the family pet. So make sure little Mr. Buttersnaps is in his doggy carrying case, and your iPad is fully loaded with the last season of Dance Moms. Hide!: Despite the obvious end-of-the-world hiding places around campus—the underground tunnels, the silent women’s lounge in the Union, and the basement of the chemistry building— there‘s a few less obvious, yet equally creepy spots on campus, perfect for barricading yourself as you listen to REM’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” on repeat. In the heart of the West Circle neighborhood exists an old abandoned shack termed “Wills House.” If West Circle were truly Hogwarts, Wills House would be the Shrieking Shack. No one goes there. Ever. Not only
will you be completely surrounded by the most genius invention ever—asbestos —it’s likely the ghosts of MSU past will also be there to protect you in your time of need, truly your patronage to Spartan Spirits has paid off. If you’re more the playing with fire type, as most of us Spartans are, than the Eli and Edythe Broad Art Museum is your ideal hamlet. Not only is this beauty brand spankin’ new, but it’s also a perfect place to gather all your friends and love ones to celebrate the end of the world. After all, the best way to say goodbye to everything you’ve ever known and loved, is in a building that’s design makes it look like it will implode if a squirrel farts too close to it. Consuming a shit ton of booze and betting your friends as to when the new art museum will crumble in on itself makes for the perfect party scenario. Consider it an ode to the true spirit of MSU, and a salute to Lou Anna K. and her gaggle of Broad-loving geese and broad-loving students. Say Goodbye!: Regardless of how it all goes down, the best bet is to sever your ties with loved ones as soon as possible. Give Granny a final kiss goodbye, tell Dad the truth about how he looks in shorts, and go hug it out with Dantonio as hard as your pre-apocalyptic self can manage. Plus, if all else fails, grab a bottle of Jack, ransack the nearest Sparty’s, and eat chicken pesto to your heart’s desire. It’s what the Mayans and Santa Claus would have wanted.
Quiz: What Christmas song are you?
3) It’s snowing! This means: A. St. Nick came! Maybe there are dollars in my shoes! B. Girls will be easily wooed into staying in warmer places. C. You get to bundle up in your cutest winter accessories. D. Death, things are finally dying. 4) People start reminiscing about past Christmases, and now it’s your turn to talk: A. You stare into the eyes of the most attractive mate and say “My favorite Christmas has yet to come.” B. “Last year my significant other and I stayed in and drank wine by the fire. It was so presh.” C. “Any time of year is good when the old man is too drunk to get mad.” D. “I can’t decide what Christmas I like the most! I LOVE THEM ALL!”
7) A group you are involved with decides to do a Secret Santa, you buy: A. Hot cocoa and wine :) B. Nothing, I’m sick and can’t leave my apartment… C. “Leftover” Magnum condoms. D. What’s the dollar limit!? I BUY THE BEST GIFTS! 8) You’re finally home for winter break, the first thing you do is: A. Help mom put up all the decorations! B. Send “I miss you,” texts to my significant other(s). C. Look for porn I might have hid in high school. D. Lay in my bed, reaching for my childhood innocence.
5: A=4 B=3 C=2 D=1 6: A=2 B=4 C=1 D=3
7: A=1 B=2 C=4 D=3 8: A=3 B=1 C=4 D=2
answer key:
6) What’s your favorite Christmas movie? A. The Nightmare Before Christmas. B. Barbie in a Christmas Carol. C. Love Actually!! D. Uh, It’s A Wonderful Life? Duh.
3: A=3 B=4 C=1 D=2 4: A=4 B=1 C=2 D=3
2) Someone invites you to the third Christmas Party of the weekend, you: A. Prefer to drink whiskey alone during the holidays. B. Say YES! I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME! C. Would rather have your own party, far away from campus. D. Will go if the guy to girl ratio is heavily in your favor.
5) At what age did you stop believing in Santa/any other winter holiday spirits: A. I believe Santa lives inside us, and comes out through passionate love making. B. NEVERRRRR!!!!!! C. When the old man re-gifted his half pack of cigarettes when I was six. D. I believe the Christmas Spirit lives on through love.
1: A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 2: A=2 B=3 C= 4 D=1
1) Studying for finals, you listen to: A. None other than our campus radio! The hits! B. My heartbeat and breath. C. Christmas Music!!!!!!! D. I prefer to sit by cute girls and listen to them breathe.
0-8 points: “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey Well aren’t you just a preppy little love bird!? This song revolutionized Christmas by giving people an outright way to say “I want to have sex with you tonight.” So have some wine, wiggle your hips and point at anyone during the chorus, and Santa won’t be the only one coming on Christmas. 9-16 points: “Carol of the Bells” You are very serious. Christmas is nothing more than a signifier of the endless passage of time. Christmas bells, snow, and cold weather only mark another year closer to death. People are out there starving, and here we are, worshiping capitalism and reveling in manufactured cheer. In the winter, we should just sit in front of the fireplace, waiting to die. 17-24 points: “Jingle Bell Rock” You are just the worst. You’re the poster-child for the Christmas season, and everyone cringes at your unwavering enthusiasm this time of year. It looks like a Christmas bomb exploded in your apartment, and you just love having the sisters over to show it off. If the bar isn’t playing Christmas music, you’ll request it and dance your pants off. DANCE GOD DAMMIT IT’S CHRISTMAS BE HAPPY. 25-32 points: “Baby It’s Cold Outside” For some reason, winter and Christmas bring out the creep in you. You are the rapiest of the Christmas songs, and unlike Mariah Carey, utterly fail at sexualizing Christmas. The cold weather just gives you a reason to tell girls their “lips look delicious,” and convince them they’ll catch pneumonia if they go outside. Yes, they’ll be way better off staying in your dank love-dungeon for sure.
the CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME
Home Alone
A Christmas Story
Take a drink any time a scene features hilarious head trauma. Take a drink when anyone says, “Uhh, he should be dead, right?” Take a drink when you notice product placement. Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey. Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting. Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself and/or breaks the fourth wall. Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells.”
Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out.” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks for every Wizard of Oz reference. Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Elf
Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph.” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up. Keep drinking for the duration of Rudolph’s lit nose. Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story. Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced. Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting. Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys. Chug your drink when Rudolph flies.
Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced. Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas Spirit. Take a drink when Buddy sings. Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to. Take a drink when Maple syrup is shown or mentioned. Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them. Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins.” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas. Take a drink when something goes wrong. Take a drink when a calendar door is opened. Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose. Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree. Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie. Take two drinks when Clark’s bonus is referenced in conversation. Finish your drink for every family lesson learned/attempted.
The Muppet Christmas Carol Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument. Take a drink when a bell rings or a clock tolls. Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly. Take a drink when someone says “humbug,” “Ebenezer,” or “Scrooge.” Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed. Take two drinks for each new ghost. Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes. Finish your drink when they sing “The Love We Found.”
the seek n find
The Black Sheep's Millennial Nativity: Can you find all ten contemporary idols in this nativity scene? If St. Jar Jar answers your prayers, send in your answers to puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com and we'll send you some sweet swag!
real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013 Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing. Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays! But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing. Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays. Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all! But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea. Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop. Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted! But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again. Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents! But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right. Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy! But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays. Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time! But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer. Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list! But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.
Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethnic friends’ memories do not, you racist. Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner! But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength. Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do. But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies. Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome! But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional. Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet. Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out! But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours. Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em. Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit! But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.
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