Michigan State - Issue 14 - 4/17/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

JOI

Vol. 10, Issue 14

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

NIN FREE G TH ... LI E AR KE KO F LO

VE.

4/17/14 - 4/23/14

RED CEDAR FLOODS,

MSU STUDENT BLAMES GAY MARRIAGE MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS The Red Cedar River has flooded, as it always does around this time, though the rising levels are especially high this spring. Thus, an MSU student has attributed the flooding to the temporary legalization of gay marriage in Michigan and has started construction of an ark with plans to flee the state in protest. “Obviously the Red Cedar flooding is a message from God and the message is that gay marriage is wrong. It’s a tragedy in the making,” Darren Kimble said. “I tried to warn you guys about the gays, but you all just made fun of me. Well, guess who’s laughing now? God. God is laughing. And crying. It’s the rain. Tears of laughter.” His roommate, senior Sam Ryder, was able to provide us with some insight about Kimble’s ark-building process and the motives behind it. “He spends all his free time working on the ark. It’s nice because he’s never here anymore,” Ryder said. “He’s been making a lot of grilled cheeses, too,” Ryder added. “He said he hopes he’ll get another sign from God like that lady from Texas claimed to have years ago. He’s been stealing my bread, though. And he always burns it so the apartment smells terrible.” Bread isn’t the only thing Kimble has been stealing, according to MSU culinary workers. He has been caught taking trays from cafeterias across campus, which he has been using to put together the ark. “Yeah, he totally takes like eight trays a day,” cafeteria worker Kelly Hendrix said. “My boss told me to stop him, but I really don’t want to have any interaction with that guy,

so I just look the other way.” When asked about his thefts, Kimble said, “I don’t want to use wood because I don’t think two hard pieces of wood should ever be touching.” Oddly enough, when Kimble showed us the blueprints for the ark, there was only one entrance—through the back door. When asked about his design rationale, he said he just went with his intuition and that it “just felt right.” Besides putting the ark together, Kimble has also been attempting to gather others to join him on his journey. He has been sending out invitations to heterosexual couples, urging them to board in pairs. So far, no one has shown interest in joining him. Apparently the invitations have found other uses, however. “I used my invitation to clean some dog shit off my shoe,” an anonymous recipient said. We interviewed another recipient of Darren’s “ark of love” invitation who expressed similar disinterest. She requested anonymity as well to avoid embarrassment. “I didn’t even read it. I just used it to spit my gum out,” she told us. “I mean, the invitation says we have to be married to board the ark, because ‘God will be watching us procreate.’ I’m not married, but if I was there’s no way in hell I’d get on that janky boat.” Kimble has expressed frustration in the fact that nobody seems to agree with his views or wants to join him on his homemade ark. “Most people I give an invite to don’t even look at it and use it for disposing of trash.

It’s maddening. Doesn’t anyone care what I think? Doesn’t anyone care what God thinks?!” he said. According to sources, Kimble has had some luck with the Wells Hall Preacher, who has been seen helping him build the ark. There have also been packs of raccoons spotted hanging around the site. Wildlife experts say the animals are not likely to be interested in boarding the ark, but do want to lick scraps off the cafeteria trays. One important question remains: Where

does Kimble plan on going once his ark is complete?

“That thing is going to sink straight to the bottom, along with this kid’s archaic views.”

“I didn’t have a particular destination in mind, but probably Florida. I know they believe my views and the shape of the state is cool, too,” he noted.

“We’re never going to get those goddamn trays back,” Food Services Coordinator Pam Lehey lamented,.

Kimble said he plans to leave as soon as construction of the ark is complete. Engineering professors and architectural design students have expressed grave concerns with the structural build of the ark. MSU professor Dr. Lawrence Carter said,

The story of Darren Kimble and his ark will likely come to a conclusion in the next few months, as water levels continue to rise from spring rains. What will happen when the ark sets sail is anyone’s guess, but if all else fails, East Lansing raccoons have truly appreciated it.

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TOP TEN: REPLIES TO SLACKERS BEGGING FOR NOTES

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BS INVESTIGATION

THE

TOP

TEN

REPLIES TO SLACKERS BEGGING FOR NOTES MICHELLE DANAJ WROTE THIS

We’ve all gotten them—emails begging you to send someone the notes they missed in class. The messages usually start piling up around the end of the semester, when finals are fast approaching (right when everyone seems to be getting ‘super sick’). The Black Sheep has kindly compiled a list of the things you say (or wish you would say) in this instance. 10.) Nothing: The most popular answer, but saying nothing will likely prompt a couple more desperate emails as the test approaches. Regardless, ignoring the slacker ensures you don’t have to waste your precious “study time” (drinking on a patio on Albert St.) typing up an answer.

A BLACK SHEEP GOES

UNDERCOVER AS

RICK’S DAUGHTER LIZ ALLEN WROTE THIS It’s 12:00 p.m. on a Saturday. You can still feel the ½ off well drinks coursing through your veins, and at this point your blood is equal parts shame and marinara sauce. You’re covered in unexplained bruises and your iPhone is just about as smashed as you were last night. Basically, it’s your typical morning aftermath from a night out at Rick’s. The Black Sheep has been there, and we thought, there must to be a better way to do Rick’s! We put our heads together and came up with an idea: We’d send one of our own deep undercover as the “daughter” of Rick, the King of East Lansing himself, to see what a night as bar royalty was like. This is “her” story: First thing I can recall, I was rolling hot into Rick’s. I cut right past the line after I started belligerently shouting, “I’m Rick’s daughter! Ricki with an ‘i’!” Just as easily as they accepted my I.D. (a picture of Uncle Tito from Rocket Power taped to a flashcard) they immediately believed my fake persona and granted me access. I arrived at the infamous Rick’s staircase, down which many of my comrades have tumbled. Instead of risking injury and reputation, I found the nearest Rick’s employee and demanded he go out and buy an AmeriGlide Stair Lift at once, for I was above walking like the usual riffraff that Rick’s sees. He looked perplexed and offered his arms as assistance. After I was carried down the stairs, I commanded another Rick’s employee to stay two steps ahead of me at all times to Swiffer Wet Jet the floor. He quickly complied. This assured that my shoes wouldn’t get stuck to the weird hybrid substance of spilt booze, sweat, and shame; which could be a substitute for Krazy Glue and explains why one sees those train-wreck girls staggering home without shoes. From there, I automatically cut through the crowd to get my first drink. If you’re at Rick’s

and you aren’t immediately pumping booze through your body, you put yourself at risk of sobering up and realizing where you are. It’s not like you can leave, because that Scooby Doo Jr. Detective Badge you call an I.D. ain’t gonna fly at other bars.

“I COMMANDED ANOTHER RICK’S EMPLOYEE TO STAY TWO STEPS AHEAD OF ME AT ALL TIMES TO SWIFFER WET JET THE FLOOR.” After several drinks, I decided to break the seal, but this time I’d do so in style in Rick’s secret VIP bathroom, which isn’t as fancy as it sounds. There’s no golden toilet or little cherubs painted on the ceiling, but you don’t have to pee in the sink, so it’s basically the Beyoncé of East Lansing bathrooms. As I walked out of my porcelain castle, I heard the heavenly hymns of “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” which I demanded the DJ play on repeat. I danced to my jam like no one was watching until I was hoisted into the air by a group of behemoth football players.

9.) “Sorry, I don’t have time”: If you respond this way, you’re being considerate by answering in a polite manner, but hopefully you’ll also send them a guilt trip. The slacker will assume you’re booked with hitting the books and feel bad about his/her own lack of time management skills. 8.) “I would, but my cat just died”: The slacker actually thinks you’re a decent human for saying you would help them in other circumstances. However, your lame excuse may deter them from thinking too highly of you, and they’ll also peg you as a cat person, which will help deter any future contact. 7.) “Yes...”: There’s a trick to this answer: give them terrible notes, or notes that don’t pertain to the class whatsoever. You can even just type “fuck you” repeatedly. They’ll know not to ask you for anything ever again. 6.) “How about you go to class once in a while, asshole?”: This answer provides some constructive criticism, but the language still makes it clear how you feel about the person. Even if they just attend class to watch cat videos and take notes every three weeks—anything to repel them from bothering you in the future. 5.) “Make some friends so you don’t have to keep asking me. No, I will not be your friend”: Again, you’re providing constructive criticism, but it’s slightly less harsh than calling them an ahole. Encouraging them to make friends will ultimately solve this problem, but it lets the lazeabout know that you don’t want to be responsible for them (or their friend). 4.) “Fuck off”: Perhaps the most popular response in theory, though it’s rarely carried out. This won’t get you any kind of positive reaction from the desperate slacker. Nonetheless, the response is deserved. 3.) “Go away. Nobody likes you”: You’re saying what everyone else wants to say. It’s not as rude as “fuck off,” but still gets your abhorrence of the person across. Including the rest of the class in your reply will show the slacker than you’re not alone in your hatred of note-begging. 2.) “Please go get chlamydia from the nearest prostitute”: By saying please, you’re at least being courteous, so that way they can’t get mad at you. Sure, you’re telling them to get an STD, but hey, at least chlamydia is curable. 1.) “I hope your firstborn child gets eaten by rabid wolverines”: It may be a little harsh to bring the next generation into the mix, but when you’re trying to prove a point, extremes can work best. This way, that annoying son of a bitch will not mistake your meaning and think that you will actually give him the notes later. And yes, by rabid wolverines we mean STD-infested Ann Arbor residents.

Possibly the best part of being Rick’s daughter for a night? My coat was kept behind the food counter. This perk guaranteed that the coat check girl didn’t steal my coat to sell for Adderall money. Yeah, that’s right, we’re on to you coat check girl. I have absolutely no idea how my day as rock bottom royalty ended or how I ended up on top of my friend’s Honda Civic the next morning. What I do know is that I owe her one new side view mirror, and when you’re Rick’s royalty you don’t have to apologize for anything. Editor’s Note: This story is completely fictional, as are any/all comments about Rick’s East Lansing. Rick’s does not support underage drinking, and all comments are exaggerated for comedic effect.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM A Michigan State student who recently sought help for a Netflix addiction has relapsed, according to his representatives, after a three-week hiatus from the service. The student, Jeremy Whitley, who cancelled his subscription to Netflix in a desperate attempt to quit cold turkey, has hacked into his father’s account and hasn’t been seen since. “Yeah, we thought he was dead for a while, honestly,” Damon Matthews, a close friend of Whitley, said. “We hadn’t seen him in that long.” At one point Whitley’s absence became so alarming that his RA had to break down Whitley’s door, only to find him curled up on his beanbag, rocking himself to Parks and Recreation. When asked about his vacation from Netflix, Whitley referred to it as the “worst three weeks’ of [his] life.”

MSU STUDENT RELAPSES FROM NETFLIX ADDICTION MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS

kicked out of school for sure,” Sarah Dawson, a friend of Whitley’s, told The Black Sheep. “Apparently his shit was pretty good though, as he had a line of customers outside his door daily, mostly meth heads from Lansing, but then our RA shut down the business.” A week later, the student was spotted running around campus with a Nerf gun, shooting at frat bros and yelling “Walker!” in a Southern accent in an attempt to mimic The Walking Dead. He even stopped showering to seem like he was in the middle of a zombie apocalypse and insisted that his friends call him “Rick.” “We stopped calling him to hangout because he smelled so bad. Plus, he was stressing us all out. He kept telling us we had to get to Terminus. What the Hell is Terminus? We just wanted to go eat at Brody,” Matthews said.

The relapse comes as no surprise to those who know Jeremy personally, however, events leading up to his relapse were telling. Soon after he cancelled his account, friends said the he started acting out his favorite shows instead of watching them. Reports from family members state that during the first week, he started acting like Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad and calling everyone, including dates and professors, “bitch.”

During his final week of his stint in Netflix rehab, Whitley allegedly channeled How I Met Your Mother and harassed local elementary students during recess, begging them to tell him stories about their mothers.

“It was the most bizarre date of my life. He also came in baggy clothes and a knit hat,” said a girl who went on a date with him during his first week of sobriety. “I told him my cat died during the middle of dinner and got out of there. I don’t even own a cat.”

Whitley was escorted off the premises. Later, reports state he went to PT O’Malley’s, and tried hitting on girls with the pickup line “Daddy’s home!” His attempts were unsuccessful.

Besides wearing baggy clothing, Whitley has also been sporting yellow suits and attempting to cook meth in the dorms. Before he could ask his chemistry professor to be his business partner, friends quickly intervened. “Yeah, I wasn’t going to let him do that. He’d get

“He said he didn’t actually know my mom,” third grader Tucker Braxton said. “He just told us where he would probably meet her. It was weird. And he smelled like cheese!”

Whitley says he will try again to defeat his Netflix addiction and has started a support group to help him . If you find yourself suffering from a Netflix addiction, you can find Whitley in his dorm, buried under piles of empty bags of potato chips. The group is titled “Flixaholics Anonymous” and meets weekly, depending on the airing on new episodes of Bob’s Burgers.

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STARBUCKS EVENINGS COMES TO MSU JACK HARDER WROTE THIS After years of secrecy and guilt, MSU students, professors, and administrators finally have a legitimate excuse to get drunk in the Wells Hall Starbucks, as well as the chain’s other locations across campus. Starting in fall of 2015, “Starbucks Evenings” will debut at Starbucks locations throughout East Lansing, which promises to change the game for any students in classes taking place after 4p.m. In 2012 Starbucks began their “Starbucks Evenings” initiative, in which the Seattlebased company served more than just Caramel Macchiatos to their loyal coffeeconsuming customers. The widely successful chain introduced the evening selection of teas, juices, a small dinner menu, and most importantly, a wide variety of alcoholic drinks. No more ordering a Trenta unsweetened Passion Tea, only to pour it out and fill it with an entire bottle of wine—Starbucks has promised to do that for you. The vast success of the campaign has finally led to the program’s East Lansing introduction. Starbucks’ Chief Operating Officer Troy Alstead commented on the choice to expand to a smaller market like Michigan State in addition to urban hotspots such as Chicago, New York City, and Los Angeles: “It seemed the right choice for multiple

reasons,” Alstead told The Black Sheep. “First, Michigan State University is the exact clientele we’re looking for with a project like this. It has a cold climate during winter, a student body that can consume copious amounts of beverages—alcoholic, caffeinated, or both—and smokin’ hot baristas.” He then added, “Honestly, I’ve posted about one girl named Natalie like six times on MSU Crushes.” “More importantly though,” Alstead went on to explain, “East Lansing is the home of the original Biggby, one of our most threatening competitors in the Midwest. We plan to eliminate this nuisance despite our insistence on making our entire selection more expensive than theirs.” The Black Sheep inquired about possible obstacles to business, but Alstead wasn’t worried. “Let’s be honest here, if you have the choice between a Biggby bagel and a few shots of tequila in your Peppermint Latte, you’re gonna go Tequi-latte every time.” The Starbucks marketing campaign aims to make their alcohol-based project even sweeter to college students. Their website features a black and white photo of three middle-aged females looking suspiciously happy about being drunk at Starbucks. The

picture’s caption explains that these lovely ladies didn’t want to go to a bar after their yoga class, but still wanted to drink and talk about their long-haired instructor. They decided to stop into their local Starbucks chain to enjoy a few bottles of wine, some decent food, and modestly hip armchairs. “Great choice!” the caption reads. Starbucks’ Chief Executive Howard Schultz commented on his reason for bringing alcohol into such a calm, sophisticated atmosphere: “Currently, Starbucks essentially caters to females aged 14-25. We considered profiting off this demographic by selling Ugg boots and yoga pants in our stores, but after discussion, my people blew my mind with a logic that I couldn’t argue,” Schultz said. “Ugg boots are a fad, but alcohol is always cool. Now Starbucks has a menu item other than black coffee that a man can buy without feeling emasculated—caffeinated craft beer,” he said. “We’re going to make loads off this. And, well, the customers, they’ll be happy too, I guess.” An avid supporter of the new campaign is junior philosophy major Ike Ronic. “Essentially, Starbucks Evenings gives

hipsters, intellectual majors, and soccer moms a way to go out for a casual drink or five in a cozy atmosphere,” Ronic said. “I don’t have to worry about people reading my poetry over my shoulder, instead I can get buzzed and share it during open mic hours!” Ronic continued to express his support of Starbucks Evenings. “Essentially, it’s not as barbaric as your local pub, yet manly types can still stop in for a brew. I can’t wait to get meta with my fellow intellectuals at

Starbucks Evenings.” Spartans, starting next year if you’ve had a rough day and you’re not quite feeling the bars, go a little further down Grand River to treat yourself to a Venti Vodka Cranberry or two. If you’ve just had a stressful exam, step into Wells Hall or the Eli Broad Art Museum (yes there’s a Starbucks in there) and order yourself a strange mixture of Captain and coffee. Starbucks Evenings is sure to cater to hippest college students on campus.

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Thursday 4/17

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Wednesday 4/23

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Tuesday 4/22

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Thursday 4/17

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Friday 4/18

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Saturday 4/19

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Sunday 4/20

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Tuesday 4/22

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Wednesday 4/23

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Thursday 4/24

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the madlib

my 4/20 adventure

For me and all my bros in ___1___, we have grand plans of making the most out of 4/20 landing on a Sunday. But like most groups of stoners, our plans were a little too ambitious. Starting right at the stroke (toke) of midnight, we were going to light up some ___2___ ___3___ our favorite bud, and listen to our jam, ___4___. Then we were going to rip some shots of Hennessy - because rap music - and party until the break of dawn, baby. Our buddy and drug dealer, who goes by ___5___, was going to come over with his vaporizer and we were going to fade away into the night. Naturally, the next morning, the plan was to wake up and, you guessed it, bake some ___6___. There’s usually some stoner movies on TV, like ___7___ or Super High Me, so we were gonna recuperate from the wild night, order some ___8___and chill, man. Then we were gonna hit up the local disc golf course in ___9___ and smoke our ceremonious joint at Hole

Four, which has to be the ___10___ ___11___ ___12___, which is super, super heady stuff. After the 18th hole, the plan was to head to ___13___, eat a bunch of ___14___, then mosey back to the crib and hit the vaporizer that ___15___ will naturally forget to take with him. But, you know, 4/20 in actuality was a lot more chill for us. For starters, ___16___ got arrested outside of ___17___and we couldn’t get any bud. We were all so depressed at midnight that we went to bed, and then slept in until ___18___. Luckily ___19___ finally got ahold of his ___20___TA and got us a gram of ___21___ ___22___, so taking one hit of that was enough to make me melt into the La-Z-Boy we found in the alley on ___23___. We were all feeling a little lazy to hit up disc golf, so we just stayed at home, played Mario Party and ordered ___24___. We all tried to take some mad resin hits, which actually proved semi-successful.

1) Your dorm freshman year 2) Color 3) Old president 4) Classic rap song 5) Exotic animal 6) Slang for marijuana 7) Recent romantic comedy 8) Local take-out 9) Town outside of your college town 10) Starbucks size 11) U.S. state 12) Dog breed 13) Local diner 14) Breakfast food 15) Person from 6 16) Person from 6 17) Local bar 18) Time between noon and 4 p.m. 19) Most responsible friend 20) School subject 21) Verb-ing 22) Planet 23) Holiday 24) Worst delivery pizza

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Favorite Drink: SevenFinger Death Punch Favorite Shot: Jäger Disgusting Drink: Dirty Girl Scout

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What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: Tipping in change.

OF THE WEEK

What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: Never knowing when to use a semicolon.

Kayleigh of Spencer’s

DRINKING GAME Easter Egg Bombs It’s time for everyone’s favorite holiday, Easter! It’s so great! There’s candy and eggs and creepy bunnies and dye that never comes off your fingers! How amazing! Let’s get drunk! What You’ll Need: 5-dozen eggs, shot glasses and your favorite tequila. Number of People: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: May the eggs be ever in your favor. How to Play: - Take about a half-hour and hard boil half of those eggs. For those of you who are keeping track, that’s 30 eggs. If you don’t know how to do this, call your mom or ask the Google. - Once the eggs are done, give them a chance to cool. Toss them in the refrigerator. Otherwise, it’s going to be really easy to tell which ones are hard boiled and which ones aren’t. - When everything’s cool, take out the egg cartons and place them on the table. - One by one, blindly pick one egg from all of the cartons. Hand it to the person next to you and have them throw it at you from ten or so feet away. - If it breaks, that sucks! Take a shot of tequila too, so you can further embarrass yourself. - If it doesn’t break, you got lucky this time. Have the next person draw an egg and continue on. The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone, and you guys could make a mean-ass omelet with shit on your face.

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If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: Cheese

Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse with a horn?: A hornless unicorn, it’s still a unicorn and I love unicorns. What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: Wrangler What is nature’s sexiest animal?: Octopus What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: Textbooks If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Mango Bango Never have you ever…: Had a one-night stand.

RECIPE for DISASTER Simple, Sexy Sugar Cookies Oh god, these aren’t the ones from the tube? You mean, like, I have to measure stuff? But… uh…what about, I mean do you think the store is open so we can just go get a tube of them? Do we even have flour? Why did we wait until 2a.m. to do this, Karen? What You Need: 2 ¾ cups flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp baking powder, 1 ½ cups white sugar, 1 cup of butter, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract Cook Time: 25 minutes Fatty Factor: SHUT UP KAREN, I NEED THE SUGAR TO HELP ME STUDY. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. -Melt the cup of butter in a saucepan over very low heat. -In a bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda and baking powder. -In another bowl mix the melted butter and sugar together until smooth. -Beat egg and vanilla into the butter and sugar mix. -Gradually blend dry mixture into the butter mix. -Roll into about one dozen balls. Slightly smoosh them, and place the smooshed balls onto a parchment paper-covered baking sheet. -Bake in oven for 8-10 minutes. -The cookies will be soft when you pull them. This is normal. Don’t continue cooking past 12 minutes, or you’ll burn the bottoms. -Let rest for at least 5 minutes. Try to eat just one. Really, try, because you’ll fail. You’ll fail and everyone will think you’re a big fat fatty (because you are.)

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Jesus Of

h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr

jesus of blazereth

This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.

The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes. The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him: “They have no wine!” Mary said. Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to

the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.” “We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said. “Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched. Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.” “No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus

yelled: “Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.

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