Michigan State - Issue 15 - 12/5/2013 by The Black Sheep

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@BlackSheep_MSU â&#x20AC;˘ December 5th, 2013

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A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead. Last Week’s Answer: Tucker Max Headroom

Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

from the tweets Describe your finals preparation in five words or less.

What Your Neighborhood Says About Your Study Habits

The

Top

Ten

Things to Get Mark Dantonio for Christmas By: MSU Staff

By: Bob Rodriguez

If you’re going to get one person a gift this holiday season, make that person Mark Dantonio. The man has engineered countless gifts for Michigan State students—he’s practically the Saint Nick of the Big Ten, except not as jolly and with a much bigger “sack of toys.” This holiday season, show the person who means the most to you the love he deserves. Here are our Top 10 gifts to give Mark Dantonio:

Finals week is upon us, which means panic attacks, Adderall, and a Five Guys binge so intense it could be its own TLC show are in our near future. Then it’s back to the library to pull an all-nighter because you made the fatal mistake, yet again, of popping some focus pills with the futile intention of stopping play on Zelda once those babies kicked in. Sounds magical, doesn’t it? If you live in the dorms, chances are that at some point you’ll find yourself locked in an musty-ass study lounge that smells like Chinese food and feet, lofted above the commoners in a newly renovated “engagement center,” or trying to ignore your masturbating roommate while you read up on how much Marx, Lenin, and the whole gang loved capitalism. Inevitably the dorm in which the MSU housing ringmasters forced you to inhabit will factor into the tone of your finals study sesh. Therefore, since MSU has a bajillion dorms (okay, more like twenty-five), we’ve broken potential study habits down based on the five neighborhoods we, as Spartans, are supposed to recognize as real: North Neighborhood: This “neighborhood” is composed of the former West Circle and Red Cedar Neighborhoods, which are over half a mile apart. Needless to say, study habits vary greatly. Head over to Red Cedar, throw a stick, and it will hit an RCAH student in the face. He or she will then likely offer to smoke a joint with you, have a few laughs about something you have zero understanding of, then head off to paint a picture or read some super hip literature. You know what they say: study high, take the test high, get high grades. Head to the West, and you’ve entered the land of music. While there is a not-so-surprisingly high number of freshmen, internationals, and international freshmen, a visitor to West Circle gets the impression that music majors are forced to live here in an effort to isolate them from the rest of society, and that the effort to do so has not been in vain. Finals week studying generally consists of locking themselves in a soundproof room then blowing, banging, and tonguing away. And, no, we don’t mean in the fun ways.

10.) A Charlie Brown Christmas: Since the name of the successful fake field goal against Nebraska was reported to be called “Charlie Brown,” with an audible to the left called “Lucy,” this may encourage Coach Dantonio to draw more inspiration for the future. 9.) A picture of Mark Dantonio smiling: Once in a blue moon, when the adrenaline of a big win is pumping through his Spartan veins, M.D. cracks a smile. He’s been smiling more and more often; The Black Sheep encourages this, and you should too.

South Neighborhood: With a growing residential college for engineering, the nerds we all used to laugh at in high school are flocking to South Neighborhood. That means with finals week approaching the real brains of the operation will be hard at work, crafting what we can only assume is a massive robot programmed to destroy us all in a heartless act of vengeance. Seriously, we’re kidding, please no one create that. Though these kids will be hunkered down in the library or their sanctioned study caves, it can’t hurt to be nice to the smart, tech-y kids given that they will rule or (hopefully) marry us all one day. East Neighborhood: East Neighborhood is generally where all the future doctors end up. Home to Lyman Briggs, East Neighborhood on the night before an exam is so quiet you can hear a condom pop. Roughly 70% of students there do not realize they will never graduate from Lyman Briggs, and all those long nights spent taking a shot for every wrong LON-CAPA question will have been spent in vain. During finals, you’re not likely to see this particular sect of MSU students because just like 99.9% of the rest of the year, they will never leave the dorm in which they live and go to class. Brody Neighborhood: Undoubtedly, the most defining feature of Brody neighborhood is the cafeteria. Brody has some kickass food that’s sure to make finals week stress eating a breeze, and is housed in a building that’s so big it’s rumored that adult hide and seek leagues hold practice there on the regular. Therefore,

it is not uncommon for a Brojects resident to stuff a backpack full of everything one could possibly need in a week’s time and camp out in the cafeteria for hours on end, alternating between cramming down some knowledge and some rotisserie chicken. It is also not uncommon to find a tired student passed out in a cafeteria booth with a pork chop in one hand and a greasy textbook in the other. River Trail Neighborhood: River Trail is home to the least “niche” students around. Located in the center of campus, the constant pressure of college that surrounds River Trail residents tends to keep them staunchly rooted in reality. The study habits these students have had all semester — an hour or two of studying a day (read: going to class) — will remain healthy and consistent as finals week approaches. But don’t worry, River Trail, we respect your efforts, and are kind of maybe sure you’ll grow up to be just as successful as the Southies. While we feel these observations are at least partially reflective of reality, the truth is MSU is enormous, and our list is nowhere near complete. In essence, it’s like physics. For every A+ student, there is an opposite and equal slacker. For every student that will keep calm and carry on, there is an opposite and equal student that will have a mental breakdown and catatonically stare at Bubba the Fish in the Shaw cafeteria for eight straight hours. But despite our differences, we, as Spartans, always manage to unite over the insanity that is finals week, whether it’s over stacks of notes or over a fifth round at PT’s.

8.) World’s Best Dad mug: This gift only applies to his daughters and the Michigan football team — all people he has taught countless life lessons to, from how to properly fellate your partner to how to change a tire. 7.) A box of Cheerios: We’ve all seen the commercials about how Cheerios are good for your heart, and Dantonio has been known to be so good at winning that he gives himself a heart attack. Get the coach some heart-healthy, delicious Cheerios this holiday season. We want him around as long as humanly possible. 6.) A lumberjack in Spartan jersey: Send Coach D a personal gift—hire a lumberjack to wear a Michigan State jersey, preferably Max Bullough’s, and sing carols on his doorstep. It will bring back fond memories for the whole family while spreading holiday cheer and tales of seven-sack games. 5.) Several wild gorillas: Okay, hear us out here. Dantonio and Narduzzi say every week that they want to make out defense even better, but we all see the reality of the situation—that’s simply not possible unless we start practicing against wild gorillas. Hell, maybe even throw a cheetah in there to chase down Langford. Call up your Saharan animal guy and help the program. 4.) A heartfelt letter: It’s okay if you’re strapped for cash this year, you can always just go with something from the heart. Use nice stationary to really get your emotions across. We love you, Coach. 3.) A Rich Homie Quan CD: We’ve all seen the Spartans get some-type-of-wild in the locker room after big wins this year, and The Man himself even got in on the action after beating Michigan. Make sure you buy the edited version, he’s a family man for Christ’s sake. 2.) A rose: Of course, everyone knows the only place a rose has in football is the Rose Bowl. Let Coach D know that we all want it just as bad. However, it’s crucial that you send the rose to his wife, and label it from him. We got your back, coach. 1.) A video of yourself doing your best Mark Dantonio impression: It’s clear that Dantonio has become as much a part of the student body as any student here at MSU. Everyone knows his mannerisms (or lack thereof ), his game-face, and his “I-just-won-another-big-game” face. Do your best impression of our beloved coach, after all imitation is the highest form of flattery.

The Black Sheep’s

Guide to Wrapping a Gift

Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?

Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape. Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a twoby-four, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brandspankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now,

hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it…there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…

Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.

quiz

how do you cope with the holidays? 1) Pick your poison: a) Booze – cross-eye enabling, mind-numbing booze. b) Drugs from your grandma’s cabinet, presumably for her hips, elbows, knees, and all those other joints we couldn’t think of. c) Drugs from that guy down your hall. You don’t know his real name, “Sticky-Icky Steve” is fine by you. d) Silently judging everyone around you. 2) Your favorite relative is: a) The grandpa who sits in his lazy boy, unbuttons his shirt and pants, then promptly passes out for the remainder of the gathering. b) The aunt who shows up after dinner reeking of merlot. A different man is with her each time, and no one is surprised. Pull up a chair, guy. c) Your cousin who keeps going out back to “get some air.” *wink* d) Mom. Someone has to wipe your face. 3) Holiday food of choice: a) Pumpkin pie after a quick bump in the bathroom. b) Rolls. All the rolls. Every. Last. One. c) Mashed potatoes, because you don’t know what “casserole” is. d) Fruitcake, and not what your uncle keeps calling you.

4) Answer to “How’s school?” a) “I love horticulture, maaaaaan.” b) Deep sigh through gritted teeth. c) “I flunked out.” d) “Still trying to pick a major. I’ve only been there three years. Or is it four?” 5) Attire: a) Last night’s flannel. b) Festive Christmas sweater from grandma. c) Robe and scotch. d) Powdery substance on your nose.

8) What holiday would you celebrate if it weren’t for your own? a) Hanukkah: CHINESE FOOD RULES, plus speaking in Hebrew sounds like you’re about to hock a mean loogie. b) Christmas: Sittin’ on a fat, middle-aged man’s lap never sounded so good. c) Kwanzaa: We’re not sure what happens, but it looks like a party. d) Winter Solstice: Get bombed and howl at the moon. We think.

6) If not with family, what would you be doing? a) Drunkenly sobbing. b) Finding “the one” at Rick’s. c) Hot-boxing a car in front of KFC. d) Rubbin’ one out in your childhood racecar bed.

answer key

7) Ways to avoid speaking with adults: a) Watch football with sleeping (possibly not breathing) male relatives. b) Beat the hell out of little cousins. So what if they’re six. c) Smuggle Labatt to tween siblings. d) Pass out under the Christmas tree.

A-4 B-3 C-2 D-1

A-1 B-4 C-2 D-4

A-2 B-4 C-3 D-1

A-3 B-1 C-2 D-4

A-4 B-1 C-3 D-2

A-4 B-3 C-2 D-1

A-2 B-1 C-3 D-4

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Being Passive Aggressive: 8-11: Let’s be real, you hate your “loved ones.” Try not to off yourself before the end of break, just keep up those evil glares and cold shoulders while you pretend to enjoy the holidays. Spend as much time loading up the children in your family with sugar, your relatives won’t be able to annoy you when little Caleb is throwing shot glasses into the garbage disposal. More-or-less-Normally: 12-15: You classify as a normal person in most aspects of coping. You might sneak to the bathroom to take a few pulls from your flask or sneak in a “special brownie,” but for the most part you’re an average college student. Be wary of excessive questions about your major and/or your annoying aunts, both of which can put you over the edge into another category. With Any drugs you can find: 16-19: Hey Cheech, sharing your “home-made” brownies with the family is a GREAT idea. Make sure you stuff your stockings and your bong. Happy Holidaze! If pot isn’t your thing (or just not your favorite thing), take a few doses and lock yourself in the basement with The Polar Express. Things will get a lot more interesting with virtual Tom Hanks taking you on a spiritual journey. On the slippery slope towards alcoholism: 2024: Break will end soon enough, Johnnie Walker. Just get through it one slurred sentence at a time, and remember to never let your glass sink below half-full. If you have to, sneak away and find your grandma. She’s likely the one you got this gene from, and she’s likely to be holed up in the bathroom with some classy gin — or as she calls it, “panther piss.”

The Bar Grid

January 2010

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT Thur. 12/5 Fri. 12/6

Wednesday Daily Specials: Satisfaction Saturday! Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events 20 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Free Cover! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes

Sun. 12/8

Ladies DJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $2 Coors Light, 21 22 23 Miller Lite, Labatt DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

Sat. 12/7

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Friday (except: Saturday Everyday! Wed.)

31 of Guinness, 1 Harp, Smithwicks 2 $3 Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bushmills, John Powers, 7 8 9 $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish NaDJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds chos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

$3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Thursday

29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

SAT: B10 Championship! 6-7 Power Hour: $6.50 60oz Pitchers & 3.25 Sparty Bombs 7-Close: $3.50 Pints & Fireball Shots

FRIDAY: $3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

LADIES NIGHT THURSDAY Live DJ & NO COVER $2.75 Skinnygirl Drinks $2.75 Washington Apples $2.75 Sex On The Beach

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

30 DJ Beats

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd D Donnie For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

TGI FRIDAY $3 Bacardi Jager Bombs and Johnny Vegas

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

East Lansing MI 48823

$2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Specials Run Open to Close Monday - Sunday! Go Green! Go White!

Satisfaction Saturday! *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats

B10 Championship! 6-7 Power Hour: $6.50 60oz Pitchers & 3.25 Sparty Bombs 7-Close: $3.50 Pints & Fireball Shots

$3.50 All Flavored Vodka $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime $5 Spartan Bombs

Go Green! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines

Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing

$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

SUNDAY FUNDAY! $2 Pints and 1/2 Off Pizzas Open til 7 1/2 Off Adult Beverages & Pizzas - 7 til close

Closed for Lions football

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

$12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

Mon. 12/9

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells

No Cover! $3 Burgers $2 Pints, $3 Long Islands, & $3 Washington Apples (7 til close)

Tues. 12/10

Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!

$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

$2.00 Taco Bar (All-You-Can-Eat) $2.75 Tequila $2.75 Margaritas $3.75 Pints

NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

Wed. 12/11

Like us on Facebook!

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

HALF-OFF WEDNESDAY JERRY SPRAGUE On Top Of The Bar DJ DONNIE D - On Stage 1/2 OFF almost EVERYTHING

Thur. 12/12

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt and Bud Light Drafts $3 Bud Light Platinums

LADIES NIGHT THURSDAY Live DJ & NO COVER $2.75 Skinnygirl Drinks $2.75 Washington Apples $2.75 Sex On The Beach

$2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

‘twas The Night before Finals

madlib

You look at the clock and realize that your exam is in ____11____ . Officer ___12___ releases you from the drunk tank and you rush out the door. You sprint at the speed of a __13___ and stop inside ____14___ to puke. You cut through _____15____ and find a pile of ____16_____ in your way. You ___17___ over the obstacle and continue on your quest. Once you reach your exam, you enter the classroom still only wearing ____18____ The professor tells you that you only have ____19____ to finish the exam. You turn in your exam and yell You wake up only wearing your ____10____ ‘_____20____ ’ at your teacher and walk out at the EL Police Department. You ask the of- as the class erupts with applause. Applause ficer how you got here, and he says that you turns into your alarm, “Juicy” by the Notoriwere found on Grand River doing a strip ous B.I.G., as you wake up and realize you’ve actually missed the exam, and this was all a tease. beautiful dream. It’s the night before your ____1____ final, so you head to ____2___ . You are already on your fifth ____3___ which tastes like ____4___ when all of a sudden you see your professor. You grab them by the arm and drag them onto the dance floor when _____5___ comes on. After ____6___ more shots with ____7____, you stumble out of the bar and head to ___8____ . Next thing you know, the cook is chasing you out of the establishment yelling, “Get back here you ___9___ .”

1) Least favorite class 2) Name of bar 3) Cheap drink 4) Cleaning product 5) Katy Perry song 6) Number 7) Favorite professor 8) Late-night eatery 9) Obscenity 10) Article of clothing 11) Short amount of time 12) Name of officer

who’s arrested you in the past (don’t lie) 13) Slow land mammal 14) Store in East Lansing 15) MSU building 16) Noun 17) Verb 18) Article of clothing 19) Short amount of time 20) Favorite catchphrase

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With Technology!

Old Christmas Movies, Revisited

A Christmas Story The Evils of Technology Make… “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!” becomes: “I want the X-Box One Day One Edition with Kinect, an extra controller, and a copy of Call of Duty: Ghosts!” And the Movie Flips: After Ralphie unwraps the gift his father so sneakily hid in the corner behind the tree he hustles over to his 50-inch flatscreen to hook up this modern technological marvel. After entering his info (and his parents’ credit card number) he anxiously slides the Call of Duty disc into the slot. The game whirrs and whirrs until finally a message appears on the screen: “Drive Cannot Read Disc.” In a fit of prepubescent rage, Ralphie clocks the flatscreen as hard as he can, splintering the thin film of glass and smashing a hole into the family’s sole source of happiness. Scared to death by a report on glass poisoning they saw on the news a week prior, his parents rush him to the hospital for a Christmas Day evaluation. Under his breath Ralphie mutters something about this being his parents’ fault, and a few quick calls later two DCFS representatives are at the hospital with some unwanted Christmas inquiries.

We’re not much for nostalgia, especially around the holidays. If we were six years old and Santa gifted us a plain wooden horse with tin wheels, we’d be so far down the Naughty List the next year, you’d think we’d have murdered our parents. And we did, we definitely did, because even at six we knew Santa was fake and, and that is not the PlayStation 4 we “asked” for. Yeah, so what? We like modern technology. What would happen if we forced this tech into old Christmas movies?

It’s a Wonderful Life The Evils of Technology Make… A tale about the redemption of a suicidal man who has given up on his dreams to help others becomes: Two guys on a cell phone chatting for two hours.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer The Evils of Technology Make… The Island of Misfit Toys becomes: The Island of Outdated Gadgets. And the Movie Flips: As Rudolph and company run away from the Abominable Snow Monster, the FAA calls them out on deviating from their assigned flight path, forcing them to land on a nigh-inhabited island known the Island of Outdated Gadgets.

And the Movie Flips: George Bailey sits alone in his underwear in his dark studio apartment watching a Christmas Eve Chopped marathon, empty 40s strewn around him. Bored and in need of attention, he fires up his cell phone and rips off a text message to his only friend, Clarence Odbody. “Gonna end it all tonight,” it reads. A minute later his phone vibrates, it’s Clarence, and he wants to talk. “Hah, there’s no heaven, you fuckin’ rube,” George the atheist tells Clarence, who insists that committing suicide with preclude George from getting into Heaven. They keep talking; Clarence citing examples of the good George’s service work has done for the community. George is only half paying attention because the contestants on Chopped have to work with a canned chicken, sweetbreads, honey sticks and Greek yogurt, and he has no idea what they’ll do with that. During commercial break, Clarence still on the phone, George walks over to the medicine cabinet and chases a handful of antidepressants with what’s left of his olde English 800, dozing off moments later to Clarence begging the phone, “Hello? Hello? George, you there?”

Stranded on the island overnight, the crew seeks out a place that’ll be open on Christmas Eve. Walking into a restaurant, Rudolph sees booths heavy with first generation iPads, Nooks, and Kindles that don’t have color screens. They turn and stare at Rudolph, recognizing him immediately. A liaison approaches the Christmas cadre begging, “Mr. Reindeer, please, please take us away from this horrible place to a magical land where we’re wanted!” After a quick powwow with Santa, Rudolph returns with an offer, “We can swing by and get you guys tomorrow, we’re way behind, and those kids in sub-Saharan Africa can’t even afford calendars, so they won’t know if we’re a little late. Can’t promise you they won’t use you as rock picks or something, though.” The Outdated G a d g e t s cheer with joy, as their Christmas is saved.

N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK

ETING | PROMO

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Are You Smarter

than?

1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.

6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”

2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?

7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.

3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated? 4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve? 5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?

Andrew, MSU Alum drinking game

library finals week drinking game

8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971. 9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state. 10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?

Andrew’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Germans 2) 8, I dated a Jewish girl 3) 1994, by Al Sharpton 4) Ryan Seacrest, he’s great. 5) The fucking Rose Bowl, is this a trick? 6) Shake Weights 7) Cigarettes 8) Bruce Springsteen 9) Utah 10) Juvenile - “Back That Ass Up”

1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman

Andrew’s Score: 3 out of 10

The phrase “Spartans Will” gets thrown around a lot in East Lansing, but rarely is it put to a test as rigorous as finals week. Club Lib will resemble a downtown bar, complete with packs of chain smokers revolving out the door and people sneaking in flasks. The Black Sheep is here to help you and your friends get through hell week and maintain a solid buzz while wasting away in the library until you’re wasted. Follow these rules for our Finals Week Drinking Game. What you’ll need: Liquor of your choice in an inconspicuous mug or cup. Number of players: 2+ Level of Intoxication: You’ll start to feel confident in your knowledge, or want to drop out of college. How to play: - Get some booze and at least one other friend, then hit Club Lib between 8-9 p.m. This will assure that you see the best of the best the library has to offer in terms of train wrecks and hot messes. - Nuzzle up in a populated area (pretty much anywhere in the library during finals week) and start to observe. - Live-tweeting your experience to @BlackSheep_MSU is highly encouraged. Buckle down, open your laptop and drink once when: - You hear someone audibly moan. If you’re in a quiet area, give a drink to a friend as well. - The “theft alert” alarm guy comes on and tells you to make sure you don’t leave your shit unwatched. - Someone asks you to watch their stuff. - Someone nearby tries to order food and fails because the lack of cellphone reception in Club Lib. - You yourself attempt to study for more than five minutes. - A person walks by smelling like cigarettes. - The “theft alert” alarm guy comes on, but this time to re-

mind you that a resource center is closing soon. - You hear the distant crack of either a fresh Red Bull or a frosty beer. - You have a strong urge to scream and/or leave. Drink twice when: - Someone successfully gets food delivered nearby. - Someone asks you for a cigarette. - You have to reload on E-tokens to finish printing an important paper study guide. - You send a tweet about playing the Club Lib drinking game. - Someone nearby employs the use of flashcards. Give a friend a drink if they’re the neon-colored flashcards. - A girl walks by with an iced coffee larger than her neck. - You see sorority or fraternity letters. Yes, your own count. - A pair of yoga pants worthy of drinking stride past. - You catch someone poppin’ an Addie, or you pop an Addie, or your friend Addie pops an Addie. - You see someone chug water due to Adderall-cottonmouth. Finish your drink if: - You break down and join the international students and hispters for a chain-smoke session. - You compose a small meal of Sparty’s snacks to combat your drunchies. - The printer jams, runs out of paper, or whenever a library worker has anything to do besides sit at a desk. - You actually finish more than 30 minutes work of studying. - You see someone having a mental breakdown, or someone within your group has a mental breakdown (pick a chugbuddy if there are tears shed). - You witness someone resort to writing the word “Adderall” on scrap paper then eating it. - You hear someone scream, either due to stress or sex. - You see someone passed out.

guess the movie santa!

each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?

FINALS BINGO!

let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

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