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! page three k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Boysterous:
An open proclamation of sexual joy by a female who just got laid. “Lana boysterously screamed ‘Yeah, just got banged, bitches!’ from the rooftops moments after Rodrigo exited her apartment.”
Meet The Staff campus manager Justin Gawel Advertising ManagerS Andrew Meggert, Daniela Pittiglio Nicole Maks, Danan Thomas, Andrew Rickerman Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rassmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Meg Enter, Halie Woody Thomas Stewart, Michelle Danaj distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen social media manager Alex Everard
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page 4
the Quiz
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How's your summer going to go? By: Michelle Danaj
1) Summer is all about vacations; where are you headed this summer? a. Somalia to hunt pirates with mercenaries. b. Cedar Point, Kalahari, maybe the cottage: anywhere with fun and fat people in bathing suits. c. Family reunions, maybe a backyard camping trip, who knows? Things could get nutty! d. Any beach where they allow booze. 2) When you think about the sweet taste of summer now that it's close enough to touch, what do your plans include? a. Reading. Nothing’s better than a good book and a hammock. b. Working and taking summer classes. Get ahead now and party later. c. The Three B’s: beers, bonfires, and boats. In any combination. d. Blowing coke off giant swords in preparation for avenging Grizzly Man’s death in Alaska. 3) What is the acceptable amount of drinking over summer? a. Sleep all day, party all night, never grow old, never die. b. I only drink when I’m trying to come down from taking too many uppers c. Drinking what, lemonade? d. A camping trip here, maybe a bonfire there—I don’t want to tire myself out before tailgate season. 4) Is it acceptable to attend a high school grad party? a. Only if they are blood related, and, even then, it’s perfectly fine to fake a different family member’s death to get out of it. b. I mean, are they cool? Like, no, no, no, I mean are they cool? c. Always acceptable; the free food, cake, and fun is worth being the creepy older friend. d. Well, you’ve got to see your old friends, and who knows who you might run into.
6) So your parents guilt you into a family vacation, what’s your game plan? a. Seek out that one drunk uncle and have a solid week-long brown-out. b. Enjoy my family and have fun, I’ll see my friends when I’m back c. Nah, my family tricked me into one of those once when I was in high school, but I told the counselors at the “resort” I wasn’t ready to get clean. d. Guilted into a family vacation? Psh, impossible! 7) Hypothetically, one night the power goes out, what’s your plan? a. Blackout for the blackout! b. Get drunk with Dad while building a pillow fort and giggling. c. Probably just go to bed after a few Bible passages by candlelight. d. Doesn’t matter, blackouts don’t affect me since most of my summer will be spent on a torch-lit barge in International Waters betting on snake fights 8. What’s the one thing you would be sure to pack on a road trip? a. Maps, duh! b. Plenty of soundtracks to sing along to on the car ride. c. A second plunger full of epinephrine just in case the first shot doesn’t kick start my heart during a drug-binge turned hot-tub orgy. d. Enough beer to thoroughly stock the car bar, brah.
1) A-3, B-1, C-0, D-2 • 2) A-0, B-1, C-2, D-3 • 3) A-2, B-3, C-0, D-1 • 4) A-2, B-3, C-0, D-1 5) A-0, B-3, C-1, D-2 • 6) A-2, B-1, C-3, D-0 • 7) A-2, B-1, C-0, D-3 •8) A-1, B-0, C-3, D-2
answers answers answers
5) Plans for a summer fling? a. I’ll only have sex if I’m in a committed, serious relationship, or I’m tricked into marriage again. b. I’ve already booked my trip to the red-light district in Hanoi. c. I suppose, if the opportunity presents itself, it’s always nice to have someone to hold onto those summer nights d. If you don’t find a summer fling, your summer is just going to be one long jerk-off session.
the crossword: Studying for finals
Score: 0 - 4: Are you a college student, or just a hopelessly confused Amish tween? By the sounds of it, you’re going to be sadder than a child forced to work in the coal mines for his summer vacation. Get out there and have some fun! Put the book down, there’s time for that during the school year. Crack a beer, grab some friends, and chill out—it’s summer! And please, for the love of God, take that stick out of your ass. Score: 5 - 12: You’re the responsible type who likes to have fun, but knows when to draw the line. Over your summer a few good times are bound to happen, but it’s not going to be nearly as epic as it could be. Our suggestion is you throw all the rules out the window and try to have the time of your life. Honestly, nothing is quite as good as waking up after three days of drinking from sunset to sunrise, realizing your clothes stuck to your body with sweat and other questionable substances, and the only noises you’re able to muster are an exhausted, “What a great party!” Score 13 - 20: You have this summer thing on lockdown. You know exactly where to go and what to do to make sure your summer will be a never-ending party. Let the flow of copious amounts of alcohol commence and make sure you spend those few short hours of every summer night living it up until you have to go back to school in the fall. Just, please, try not to die having the time of your life. Hardcore drugs are rough, man. Score 21+: Judging by your answers, you’re clearly a drug-fueled, eccentric billionaire with an insatiable thirst for violence and, possibly, Vietnamese prostitutes. You win summer, good sir; you are officially the most interesting man in the world at least until you die of an inevitable overdose or at the hands of pirates.
Across 1) Literature majors online study buddy 4) Secret Starbucks super-strong coffee 5) Last-second study session 11) Coffee alternative for the weak 12) Hope you've taken notes since day one if you've got one of these exams 13) Don't let one audibly slip in the library 14) They always manage to break right before your paper is due 17) Look at these for last minute cramming 18) Biblioteca, according to Spaniards 19) Where to vent your #studyprobz 20) Coffee shits can be described as such
DOWN 2) As finals get closer, the price of this goes higher 3) A bubbly test form 6) "Adderall Alternative" by Genetech Pharmaceutical 7) "To ___ perchance to dream" 8) Adderall and meth have this in common 9) The social networking mecca of procrastination 10) It streams hours of procrastination 12) The lifeblood of studying 15) You'll have to borrow these after never going to class 16) Scientific word for "why coffee makes you pee"
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The
Top 10
page 7
Things to do in East Lansing This Summer
10.) Kiddie Pools: Can you not afford air conditioning and have an unhinged desire to remain cool while splashing around in your own filth? My friend, you may be ready to make the leap from kiddie-pool enthusiast to, wait for it, kiddie pool owner/investor. 9.) Kiddie Pool While On Mescaline: Got bored with that plain-vanilla kiddie pool didn’t you? No problem, it’s now time to channel your inner Hunter S. Thompson, you adventurous little rascal! Take some good old-fashioned mescaline, hop in, and spend the day in your aqua lounge higher and more relaxed than The State News’ staff on the heroin addicts’ equivalent of 4/20. 8.) Tube Down the Red Cedar: What’s better than going on a summer tour of our beautiful campus in an inner tube down the Red Cedar with a dirty thirty from Meijer? Keep an eye out for rusty bikes, lost championship rings, and all the Nazi gold Henry Ford donated to the university way back when, you boozy little Magellan. 7.) Harass Street Preachers: Each year East Lansing’s mentally unhinged soap-box preachers return with the warm weather like some sort of Old Testament-loving rash that’s just praying to get messed with. Try an extended game of “I’m Not Touching You” with them, or even a pagan sacrifice to a fictional harvest god who’s got a temper when he drinks. Remember, nothing says, “no one takes you seriously” like an abrasively chaffing nip twist.
A Farewell to East Lansing Zoë Kremke wrote this Dear East Lansing, It’s me, your old pal. I’m writing to you from the couch in my living room, amidst a sea of Frito crumbs and those creepy ceramic cats my mom collects. You see, life during the first few weeks of summer break has been rough without you, East Lansing. Here in my hometown, I’m afraid I just don’t know what to do. I spend all my time thinking of you and the memories we made. I miss your Conrad’s and each late-night mac n’ cheese-bite run after too much Evan Williams. I’ll never forget the way they gave me a cup for water even after I said I didn’t want one, even though I clearly needed it to wash some puke off of my face. Your mac n’ cheese bites were delicious as always, and I in no way fault them for the monstrosities unleashed from my mouth into that unsuspecting Grand River trash can twenty minutes later. I’ll miss you too, Union. I’ll miss our late night “study” binges. Thank you for never telling anybody that I wasn’t reading, but was actually watching countless hours of Dexter’s Laboratory on Netflix. Thanks for the coffee, for the ice cream, and the weird interactions with Tye Dye Thom. Hey, Landshark, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. Thank you for the wonderful nights spent and the hookups you helped instigate. Oh, shout out to my hookups, my booty calls, and even that one guy who did that weird thing with my feet and showed me a picture of his dead mom: you guys rock, and your excellence has been duly noted. Here’s to hoping that the house I visited on the corner of Oak Hill never forgets me. In the same vein, I pray that the house on Spartan Ave. totally
forgets, or successfully represses, that weird night I had inside of it. Yeah, Spartan Ave, you know which one I’m talking about. Let’s just excuse my actions for that night, and I’m really sorry about what I did with that bottle of laundry detergent. That wasn’t called for, and we both know it. McDonalds, Hungry Howie’s, and Menna’s, you guys are all bros. When I was shitfaced you were the perfect snack, and the morning when I woke up and found the remnants of that chicken patty sandwich next to my pillow, well, it still tasted pretty good. Unlike these damn Frito debris that I’m too apathetic to vacuum up.
6.) Take Summer Classes: Shorter, sweatier, and not to be trusted, yes, these are truly the Danny DeVitos of college classes. Try to swindle your way into one that’s taught by some grad student who gives less of a shit that you do about the class—truly the best way to rack up those 400-level classes that you would have otherwise failed. 5.) Burrito Crawl: Think you’re strong enough to run this mighty gauntlet of beans, rice, heartburn, and regret? Then enter, worthy and gluttonous champion! Starting at Abbott, make your way down Grand River stopping for a burrito everywhere you can buy one until you hit Hagadorn; don’t worry, barfing is expected and respected. 4.) Get a Tan: Time to stop crying icy tears in a dark corner like you’re in sixth grade and obsessed with Good Charlotte all over again. Seriously, come outside to rejoice in the arrival of warm sunny weather. Take naps behind the Administration Building by the river, go on a bike ride, heck, even be one of those knob-jobs who always seems to be shirtless playing Frisbee. However you want, get that nice, borderline-unhealthy tan going, our fellow pasty phantoms. 3.) Outdoor Sex: There’s something special about strolling through the botanical garden on a warm summer night with all the flowers in full bloom and the stars shining overhead. There’s something even more special about having that low-down, Xtina’s Dirrty spontaneous sex while you’re there.
Things here at home just aren’t as fun as they were with you, East Lansing. But don’t worry; I haven’t completely fallen apart without you. I do a lot of Netflix watching, I pretty much cruised through the whole first season of Downton Abbey and the whole How I Met Your Mother series. So there’s that. And I totally go swimming all the time. Or at least I tell myself I’m going to go later, so I can get away with wearing my ultra-comfy swimsuit under my velour track suit around all day. Okay, who are we kidding? East Lansing, I need to come back to you. When does Welcome Week start? The few months we have to spend apart on this horrifically painful “break” are too much to bear. Breaks never work anyway, I knew I should have just rented an apartment and stayed by your side. Oh, East Lansing, I was a fool who thought I could stand on my own, but I was wrong. Please, forgive me, EL. Take me back? You had me at “Go Green.” With passionate love, Literally Every Michigan State Student Not Spending Their Summer in East Lansing
2.) Celebrate July Fourth: If you don’t celebrate the Fourth of July by getting shitfaced and endangering the lives of your friends and family members with fireworks, then the terrorists win. 1.) Bust Into Spartan Stadium: Go figure, our multi-million dollar stadium’s security system is a chain link fence. So if you think you can manage to slink your way past these toddler-proof defenses, the mighty Spartan Stadium is yours to explore and reenact our past glories.
tom white wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
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How would you define an artisan handjob? “I think of artisan bread, so, like, kneading bread.” - Emily T., Senior
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January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks
Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday!
TGI Friday! MEGA 80s! $3.00 Pints, Bombs, Bacardi, Stoli Live Band
FRI: Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
WED, 4/24
Dr Cocktails Half Off Wednesday! 1⁄2 Off Everything! Ladies No Cover! Jerry Sprague- On Top Of The Bar! Live Bands & DJ
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
THURS, 4/25
Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ
Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys
FRI, 4/26
TGI Friday! MEGA 80s! $3.00 Pints, Bombs, Bacardi, Stoli Live Band
Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
Satisfaction Saturday! $2.50 Pints $3.50 Calls
Martini Night 6-cl! Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close
Sunday Funday! $2.00 Pints open til 7 ½ off Adult Beverages & Pizza 7-close
Book your Barcrawl @ 248.860.7362
½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
FRIDAY: Free Cover! (except: Wed.) $3 Pints of Guinness, $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells Harp, Smithwicks and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Wednesday Friday Saturday $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Daily Specials: Vegas, Soco Limes, KamikazesThursday John Powers,
SPECIAL NIGHT
31 Irish Nachos and 1 2 Skins, Chicken Thumbs Monday 9pm-Close DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close 7 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks Follow us on Twitter!6 1/2 Off8 Night DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts @HarpersMSU DJ Juan Trevino DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) Ladies Night!The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Book Harper’s & RUSH Ladies drink 1/2 off after 9pm! Thursday 9pm-Close Special Events Crew from 7-9 $2.50 – Pints 20 21 Dublin Brew22 23 $2.50 – Call B-Days, Drinks $2 Wells, $2 Coors Light, Graduation, and Greek DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close Miller Lite, Labatt and PBR Drafts Functions! DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $3 Rumple $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints Free Cover! $3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells Lite, Labatt DJ Beats Blue Light Sunday All Day $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes DJ Donnie D $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Pints of Pub Dublin Square Irish $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs Satisfaction Saturday! Coors Lt, Miller 327 Abbott Rd Lite, East Labatt LansingBlue MI 48823 Light 9pm – Close Live Every DJs Day All Night Long
SAT, Skins Pints and $3.50 Calls $2.50 4/27 ½ Off – Potato Hush Puppies
$3.50 Well Liquor
For More Information Contact Us: DJ Beats (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 Bloody Marys 839863 for specials & updates.
& Onion Rings
SUN, 4/28
Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing
MON, 4/29
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$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
No Cover! $3.00 Burgers til 4 $2.00 Pints 7 til close
Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362
TUES, 4/30
Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!
ALL DAY! $2 wells, $3 All pints $4 pitchers of Labatt and Labatt Light $5 Merts meats brat and fries basket
Free Pizza Rama! No Cover - Guest DJ! 7pm - Close: $2.00 Wells, $3.50 Well Doubles, $10.50 Buckets of Corona
NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
Dr Cocktails Half Off Wednesday! 1⁄2 Off Everything! Ladies No Cover! Jerry Sprague- On Top Of The Bar! Live Bands & DJ
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
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WED, 5/1
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BEFORE
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The Bar Grid WEDNESDAY, MAY 1ST: Crosstown Showdown presented by Auto-Owners Insurance! Labatt Blue Light Thirsty Thursday $1 Beers!
THURSDAY: 3P.M. - 8P.M. BURGER BASH $1 Burgers $1 Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks (excludes top shelf liqours)
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Game tonight! First pitch is at 7:05!
$2 Well Drinks, $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles, $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots, $3 Oberon Pints DJ BIG MIKE
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 4/24
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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3P.M. - 8P.M. BURGER BASH $1 Burgers $1 Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks (excludes top shelf liqours) 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 4/25
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb
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$3 Jack Daniels $3 ALL DRAFT PINTS $3 Wells $3 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 4/26
Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots
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$3 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Flavored Vodka $3 SoCo Limes and Kamikazes $3.50 Captain Morgan
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees
SAT, 4/27
11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
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$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 4/28
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
Send your Lugnuts photos to FanPhotos@lansinglugnuts.com! You could be our fan of the week!
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 4/29
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 4/30
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
Crosstown Showdown presented by Auto-Owners Insurance! Labatt Blue Light Thirsty Thursday $1 Beers!
$2 Well Drinks, $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles, $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots, $3 Oberon Pints DJ BIG MIKE
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 5/1
MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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are you smarter than? Chris, the Greenline Employee
1) Technology: Who is the largest cell phone service provider in the United States? __________________________________________________
6) Slogans: What car company trumps themselves as the "Ultimate Driving Machines"? __________________________________________________
2) The Wild: The black mamba is the most poisonous what in the world? __________________________________________________
7) Famous Speeches: Which President of the United States issued a warning against the rise of the militaryindustrial complex in his farewell address? __________________________________________________
3) History: Bushido was a way of life practiced by these romanticized warriors of days past. __________________________________________________ 4) Comedy: Famously, where does SNL character Matt Foley live? __________________________________________________ 5) Sports: In 2012 R.A. Dickey won what prestigious award? __________________________________________________
9) Current Events: The bombs used in the recent Boston Marathon bombings were housed in what? __________________________________________________ 10) TV: What much-loved TV show sparked rumors of a comeback ten years after going off the air? __________________________________________________
1) Verizon 2) Snake 3) Samurai 4) In a van down by the river 5) Cy Young/NL Cy Young 6) BMW 7) Dwight D. Eisenhower 8) Friedrich Engels 9) Pressure cookers 10) Friends
correct answers
8) Politics: Who co-authored 1848's The Communist Manifesto with Karl Marx? __________________________________________________
Chris's answers 1.) AT&T 2.) Snake 3.) Mongols 4.) In a van down by the river 5.) CY Young
6.) BMWs 7.) Ike 8.) Stalin 9.) Pressure Cooker 10.) Boy Meets World or Arrested Development
Chris's score: 5/10 correct
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summer music FESTIVAL MATRIX
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THE RIDDLE
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Do you know what's going on here?! Email us the question the riddle is asking plus the answer to said question, to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win something sweet!
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An Open Letter To My Summer Subleaser Hannah Borland wrote this Greetings, fellow bar star. I see you have gone against your better judgment or, more likely, your parent’s better judgment, and signed on to sublease my apartment. Never mind that DTN apartments are more common in East Lansing than herpes and hipsters; no, you chose this particular one for both the view and the never-dissipating scents of reefer and semen. Rest assured that said intoxicating odors of youth have wafted from the general direction of my door enough times that my neighbors actually think I have real friends. A few things you should know about this place though, and all of the heady, romantic, and boozefueled stories it holds. First, no, the single girl across the hall is not a lesbian, nor is she “in a committed relationship” as she told me many times. She does, however, have overprotective brothers who often visit. Why they come over so late at night, and how in god’s name there are so many of them I cannot fathom. But there they are. I think they may also be physically abusive to their dear sister, as I often hear the sound of loud, repetitive slamming accompanied by my lovely neighbor’s desperate pleas and moans. Second, my good man, that red stain on the otherwise spotless-without-a-black-light carpet is not blood. It is something far worse. It is the remnants of my ex-girlfriend trying to be funny by imitating the artful characters from my favorite television show, The Walking Dead. So this “bitch,” to use the colloquial term, was once fulfilling her duties as my rightful mate by baking red velvet cupcakes in my kitchen, while simultaneously washing my dishes and going on a Greek yogurt binge (as every woman should). While she would normally not step out of line, it was the Sunday night of the mid-season finale, so everyone was a little over stimulated. In an attempt to solicit laughter from yours truly, she took it upon herself to smear the blood-hued batter all over her face and arms and groan like the undead. Yes, this really happened. It was truly a pathetic enough shot at humor that would feel right at home had it been in an RCAH improv show, however, it nearly cost me my entire security deposit.
Third, there is a reason the rent is equal to the mortgage payment on Tom Izzo’s house. Unfortunately, I was unable to determine what that reason was during my time here, though I suspect it has something to do with the strength of the blood diamond weakening. DTN has to make their profits somewhere, and even they aren’t dirty enough to get into the textbook business. Yet. Fourth, the underground railroad of artisan handjobs runs straight through this very building. To answer your next question, yes, you should definitely get involved with it. Its purpose is to liberate young women who have been coerced into the artisan handjibber industry to escape from a life of oppression and organic, water-based lubricants. They may need to spend the night on your couch as they flee, and with them they bring not only the scent of fancy French cheese, but freedom. All aboard on this underground railroad of fun, Miss Harriet “Tub Girl” Tubman. Onward, young man. Onward to a summer of lime margaritas poolside, onward to taking pointless summer classes, and onward to disgustingly sweaty sex in the steamy air of this not-at-all-airconditioned apartment. Enjoy your three months as a DTN renter; may they never threaten to break your legs for being one day late on your rent payment. As a graduate and a corporate sell-out, I have far more important papers to push than your sublease agreement. Huzzah and good luck, Sparty With a Chance of Blue Balls
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The seek n find: ultimate frisbee
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the madlib
Your Summer In East Lansing
You turn in your last final, feeling __1__ and knowing that no matter what grade you receive, you’re that much closer to getting your __2__ degree. “Hello, summer in East Lansing!” you shout as you walk into your house to find your friends already doing some __3__ in celebration. “Hey, fellow __4__ ! Let’s start planning our __5__ summer!” Your roommates __6__, clearly in acceptance. “I’ll break out the __7__,” says your friend __8__. “Let’s make a trip to Cedar Point and __9__ on the Dragster!” you say. “Only if we can make __10__ brownies,” your friend __11__ declares. “I want to get butt-naked and _12__ in a kiddie pool,” you say. For the Fourth of July, you all agree that __13__ while drinking __14__ is the American thing to do. “Of course, we need to make a trip up north for some __15__ and __16__ riding’,” you say. “Good idea, we can rent a __17__ and get our __18__ wet in the river!” You agree, yet secretly hope that you’ll get to spend at least __19__ hours watching your favorite show __20__ while playing with your __21__ in a robe— ah, __22__ and relaxation!
1) An emotion 2) An obscure major, or your major 3) Type of drug 4) Plural gender 5) Goofy adjective for “great” 6) A bodily function 7) A Cheap alcohol 8) Name of one of your friends 9) A sexual act 10) A different type of drug 11) A Different friend’s name (you have more than 1 friend, right?) 12) Verb
13) An outdoor activity 14) Manly type of alcohol 15) Verb ending with –ing 16) Type of large mammal 17) Type of water vessel 18) Plural body part 19) Number above 30 20) Obscure T.V. show 21) Body part singular 22) Choose: “masturbation”, “intoxication”, or “fornication”
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