Michigan State - Issue 15 - 4/24/2014 by The Black Sheep

A THE W ESENITS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E H I I S S U E L L L P E E H S BLACK

THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE

Volume 10, Issue 15 • 4/24/2014 • @BlackSheep_MSU

T H E

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU GUESS THE MASCOT

#GOODTIMES #THEBLACKSHEEP

WORD, MAN WIFIGHT A verbal or physical confrontation that takes place between two frustrated parties unable to connect to the internet. “’No!’ Ryan screamed, pushing Brett, ‘This isn’t a WiFight, you’re just an asshole for downloading so much it kills our bandwith!’”

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW

YOUR TATTOOS?

TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

DO YOU KNOW WHICH CELEBRITY HAS THIS TATTOO? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU. FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: AUBURN TIGER

STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: ROLLIE FINGERS

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: MEGAN FOX

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

FROM THE TWEETS

WHICH FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST LIKELY ACE?

AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

SUMMER JOBS IN EAST LANSING

LIZ ALLEN AND MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS If you’re going to be in East Lansing this summer, you’re going to need extra cash. Lines for the bars are smaller, thus you will be wasting money faster. Plus, summer is a time to do fun stuff, and fun stuff is expensive. The Black Sheep is all about those crisp Benjamins. Here are the top ten job options for you to check out this summer in East Lansing. 10). Willie the Can Man’s Apprentice: Join everyone’s favorite neighborhood can man Willie on his adventures in can collecting. He’s currently working on making a recycling plant. If you help create that successful business enterprise, imagine the boost to your resume. Everyone loves going green these days.

WHY YOU MISSED YOUR FINAL:

A COMPILATION OF EXCUSES MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS Finals season is quickly approaching and with it comes reckoning for all the slacking you did this semester. You’re paying for a semester of ass-sitting with last minute cramming, group projects, and losing all of your sleep. With your loss of zzz’s, one of your biggest concerns come finals week is going to be making it on time to your final. Here at The Black Sheep, we advocate procrastination as long as it’s coupled with preparation. So here’s a handy list of excuses for you to break out when you’re late (which you’re going to be). “I had to save Phoenix House from another fire.” As its name suggests, Phoenix House has a tendency to get lit on fire. Fabricate a tale of bravery and risk. Say that the East Lansing Fire Department was late and that you’re a volunteer firefighter in your hometown, so you knew what to do. Also mention that you saved 3 adorable golden retriever puppies from the flames. Everyone loves puppies, especially saved puppies. Such an act of heroism will naturally be pardoned. You’ll probably even get extra credit. ”Heidi Klum’s and Seal’s divorce did me in, I was in therapy.” Even though it happened years ago, the divorce of model Heidi Klum and singer Seal is one of the most emotionally taxing events of the century. Blame your lateness on attending a therapy session to help you recover from the loss. That shit takes time, especially when mourning the loss of such a great couple (Jay Z and Beyonce, don’t even). We’re sure your professor will understand. “I found love in a hopeless place.” If you find actual love in a college town, then this is a definite victory that your professor should support. We’re not talking Edward and Bella kind of shit; that’s called codependency and it ain’t healthy. This is actual love you found in the Union; sober. Apologize to your professor for your tardiness, but tell him or her that you just couldn’t let this love pass you by.

9). Black-Out Broad Babysitter: Who wants to play babysitter for the night with no pay? Nobody. This is where you’ll come in. When a group of friends has someone who is notorious for getting shitfaced and they don’t want to deal with them anymore, you’re in for a job. You have to bring your own leash. Patient people need only apply. 8). Botanical Gardens Keeper: The only con of this gig is that you’ll have to deal with used condoms and discarded joints. The plus side is that you’re going to be the one throwing those J’s out (and smoking what’s left). Not the condoms, though. You’re classier than that. Pay is $10 an hour from ol’ Lou Anna K. 7). Fill in the Gap-er: When you’re a Fill in the Gap-er, you’re going to make sure that there are no more lost phones, wallets, or names of the father. You’re going to help whatever drunken idiot hires you piece back together their evening. Pay is $8.50 an hour and the person’s dignity.

“I had to help old people cross the street.” Grand River can be treacherous, so let your professor know that there was an old people convention and that they needed assistance with crossing the street. You could be superprepared, too, and make a fake flyer for this convention. Who is going to question that tale of utter kindness? #nobody

6). Anti-PACE Angel: For this hourly position, you’re going to be the Batman of East Lansing, rescuing broke students from the clutches of the PACE guards by filling up their near-empty meters before they run out of time. Job requirements include ninja-like speed and a driver’s license. And quarters, lots of quarters.

“I got caught up in my quest to Mordor.” Tell your prof that Middle Earth demanded your attention and that you had to tend to it before things got out of hand. When your professor looks at you like you’re crazy, laugh and explain that you were reading the book. He or she will be so touched that a student was actually reading something other than a Twitter feed that they will not even care you were late. You’re welcome.

4). Leggings Salesperson that Works on Commission: You will make between forty and a million dollars, depending on charisma. That is all the encouragement you need to apply for this position. Plus, think of all that Spartan ass you get to check out.

He doesn’t need to know that Mordor is The Riv. “I shit myself.” Who would want to use shitting themselves as a means of excuse? Tell your professor you’re sorry, but you had to run back home to change due to the incident. Sure, your professor will judge you, but will they question you? Not a chance.

5). Night Guard at the Broad Museum: Be the Ben Stiller you want to see in the world: guard the shit out of Broad Museum. Nobody really ventures there anyway, but you can still do your part to make sure some of that art stays safe.

3). ELPD Horse Whisperer: After dealing with drunk kids all year, the ELPD horses have a bit of anxiety over the summer. Your job as horse whisperer is going to be getting them back on track. Perks include a taser and riding crop (you can use it for your kinky foreplay later, you sexy son of a bitch). 2). Delivery Stand-In: Is your hair oily enough to solve the gas crisis? How about that one romantic fling you had with your pizza? We’ve all been there. Only this time, you’ve gotta be the presentable one. Your job is going to be answering the door for the people who can’t (or won’t). 1). Professional Facebook Stalker: In this cyber gig, you’re going to be assisting people in finding other people on the F’book. Availability is slim, though; we’re all Facebook stalkers. Let’s be real. You’ve gotta go above and beyond and like a picture from 2007.

“YOLO!” Own the fact that you’re late and that you’re stuck in 2011. Walk in and cite the great philosopher Drake who let us all know that we all only live once. Your professor will be so charmed that you were able to come to such an original conclusion that he or she will completely forget you walked into their final yelling random acronyms. Good work, champ. Fair warning though, the rest of your class may hate you forever, and rightfully so. We’ve given you a completely legitimate list of excuses that are basically get-out-of-jail-free cards when you stroll in fashionably (really) late to your final. We also recommend heavy breathing and being a little sweaty; you want to make it look like you were genuinely trying to get there. Now get to it and on that final (it started twenty minutes ago).

What MSU Celebrity Internship will you end up working this summer?

the quiz

1) What type of work attire best suites your personality? a) Shorts and a Spartan tee. b) Earth-tone slacks. c) Whatever you’ve worn for the last two weeks.

5) What’s your go-to solution to workplace tension? a) Administrative leave. b) Keeping your pimp-hand strong. c) Team work makes the dream work.

2) How often are you late? a) Never. Five minutes early for life. b) Once or twice a week. Who’s counting? c) Late is a lifestyle.

6) How many hours a week are you willing to log? a) As many as it takes to secure success. b) As many as your assistant guilt-trips you into. c) 80 or more. Money don’t sleep, b*tch.

3) What’s your ideal vacation? a) A house party on Durand Street. b) California dreamin’. c) Anywhere that Spartan tuition dollars will sponsor.

7) Your level of Spartan spirit is best described as… a) Unrivaled. Unmatched. Unequaled. b) Spartan Spirits? That’s my favorite liquor store! c) Eh, it pays to be Green.

4) Drinking on the job is … a) Part of the job. b) Fine, as long as you keep it classy. c) Totally unacceptable unless it’s water or protein shakes.

8) How do you feel about workplace hygiene? a) Just keep your damn shoes on, Jeff. b) Sweat becomes Wolverine tears. c) Rain is nature’s shower!

answer key:

20-24: Mark Dantonio:

Congrats! Looks like you’ll be working for the Man, the Myth, the Mark! Dantonio awaits you this summer so you better hit some iron, kid.

13-19: MSU Administrator:

Put on your fanciest pantsuit, rock an androgynous haircut, and get ready to syphon some tuition money for extravagant vacays because you’ll be working for an MSU Administrator this summer!

8-12: Willie the Can Man:

Stock up on mini-shooters and travel toothbrushes. You’re going to be a can man’s apprentice this summer. It’s hard out here for a G, but there’s gold in them there cans! (Wait, no that’s a cigarette butt).

1) A=3 B=2 C= 1 • 2) A= 3 B= 2 C= 1 • 3) A= 1 B= 3 C= 2 • 4) A= 1 B= 2 C= 3 • 5) A= 2 B= 1 C= 3 • 6) A= 3 B= 2 C= 1 • 7) A= 3 B= 1 C= 2 • 8) A= 2 B= 3 C= 1

DRINKING GAME WALKING HOME FROM YOUR LAST FINAL Garrison Rasmussen wrote this

Those who reside in East Lansing know the rewarding feeling of walking out of that last final Thursday morning (or for those most unfortunate, Friday afternoon; You feel free, willing, and capable of any possibility in the world, which will be the possibility of getting schwasty in several different locations on campus thirty minutes after you’re officially done. However, those of you who need a bit of assistance warming up to the summertime fun, fear not, The Black Sheep has a way to get you loosey-goosey even before you reach the CATA stop. What you’ll need: A systematic way to get plastered without those pesky PACE police porking your piggies in some problematic legal trouble. Number of Players: Yourself, as well as any other awesome Spartan who just wrapped el final de final. Level of Intoxication: You won’t make it to Julie’s post-finals party tonight. Trust us. How to Play: - Be in a good mood. You just finished finals! - Lace that water bottle with straight vodka. Or pop open a Hamm’s and proudly flip the bird toward any police passing by. We salute these ballsy Spartans, for they are the leaders of men.

- Walk. No one likes a lazy drunk.

in the lobby. That’s why we LiveOn!

Perk Up and Take a Drink When: - You notice some kid crying because he just failed his last exam. Sucks to be him! - You hear the CATA bus drive by one last time. For the next three months, you won’t be deafened by the shrill whistle of screaming, metal death. - A couple walks past sucking face. They may be getting lucky, but you’ll at least be intoxicated. - Your dad calls you to check in on how your last exam went. We get it, Pops. Yeah, you’re paying for our education and want results, but give us a damn minute! - A dreaded long-board-bro whizzes by wearing a beanie despite the warm sun. It’ll happen. The best way to deal with it (aside from tripping them) is to passively drink your alcohol and judge in silence. - You inevitably lock eyes with the Bible thumpers and they hand you a brochure. Like, come on, as if you’re going to read anything for the next three months. - You see your RA walking on campus and they invite you to a dorm get together to commemorate the end of the year. Because everyone wants to end college watching a Disney movie

Gulp Two When: - You see a group of high school students touring campus. They’ll know the pain of all-nighters and twelve-page term papers hastily done an hour before the due date soon enough, and turn to booze for support, like you’re doing right now! - Your drunken hookup from two weeks ago walks past and avoids eye contact. They can be an anti-socialite. You’re intoxicated already (and will probably drunk text them later tonight). -Your liberal arts roommate runs up and hugs you, asking about your plans for post-graduation. Drink because you already know theirs. Hello, mom and dad! Finish Your Drink When: - You receive that breathtaking email on your phone from your professor, wherein he claims that he messed up the Scantron and now all of you get 100% on the final. Now get on out there and forget today ever happened you happy little Spartan! You’re an overachiever (in the laziest, easiest way possible!) - You receive that ball-dropping email that says you scored the lowest in the class and you’ll have to retake PLS202 next fall in order to graduate. Time for a victory lap!

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OH, THE DIFFERENCE YOU MAKE CODY MANTHEI WROTE THIS

This article is addressed to the graduating class of 2014, those Spartans whose faces will be absent from the banks of the Red Cedar when classes resume in the fall, but we write from a place of understanding because some of us are among you. However, our intentions are not to be entangled in the noose of nostalgia, but rather to create a narrative for the future of our beloved school that has given (and taken) so much to (and from) us throughout the years. Grads, your future may not entail being around East Lansing, but let us give you a glimpse of what it might look like: Fall 2014, Michigan State University. The sun casts a sliver of its daily “good morning” across the peak of Spartan Stadium. The hour would indicate a moment only fit for tranquility, but as faithful followers of Dantonio, we set our watches to game time every Saturday. No use for composure here. The band flows across the bridge— a monument to Sparty standing proud in front of the rows and rows of meticulous marchers. Their shouts ignite the crowd. But something is different… Lou Anna K. Simon can be spotted in the crowd, because even a fictional tale can’t get rid of her. She glares at the intoxicated students who devoutly fill her pockets each year, and even the lines in her pantsuit seem a little crooked. Yet still this familiar scene seems distorted and disconnected from last year. Is it her hair? Nope, she still looks like the adolescent Benjamin Button. No one can quite put their finger on what’s changed. Nonetheless, the fans relocate to the stands. Seat by seat, the stadium nears capacity, gaining more life with each ticket scanned. As for the student section, it’s business as usual. They scream, move, exalt, thrust as a single, immovable entity, a picture straight out of Greek mythology. But each “first down, bitch!” has a strange inflection, a younger voice that is right in its own way. But no one seems to notice the change, the fans are too eager to see the boys win. But even the win is unlike any in the past. Everybody attributes this to the newly-renovated stadium, a standing masterpiece that can only be described as sublime. The fans go home and the students continue their day-long celebration. Party after party, keg after keg, the Spartans relish in the mere existence of fall in East Lansing. But no amount of beer or bong can alleviate the thought that not everything is what it once was, and the mystery continues. Then from down the street, a figure appears. This person is recognizable, but can’t quite be made out just yet in the dark, or the haze that’s over everyone at the party. A smile creeps over their face because they know deep down the change they have felt all day, and think they finally figured it out. The campus had not changed, other than a few standard football renovations, nor had the activities or mindset of the students. The difference was not having you there. You march right up the stairs and someone hands you a beer with a smile as they nod and simply say, “Welcome back, we missed the hell out of you.”

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January 2010

The Bar Grid

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.

$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday! (except: Wed.)

½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT Wednesday Daily Specials: Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Thursday 4/24

$3 Pints of Guinness, Harp, Smithwicks and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, John Powers, $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish Nachos and Thursday Friday Chicken Thumbs Saturday 31 1 2

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Global Village

It’s Labatt Thirsty Thursday! First Pitch 7:05 PM!

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

Free Cash Friday! All fans receive free loot! One large cash prize is up for grabs!

$3.50 All Flavored Vodka, $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime, $5 Spartan Bombs

Day Drink with Baseball! First Pitch is 2:05 PM!

Closed - Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

Day Baseball! First Pitch is 2:05PM!

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

The Lugnuts return home May 2nd!

$2 Wells, $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

NO COVER!, $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Text Lugnuts to 80373 to join Lugnuts Alerts!

Wednesday 4/30

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

What day is it? Hump Day returns May 7th Hump Day Happy Hour 7-8 PM

Thursday 5/1

$1 Off Bombs $3 Fireball, Fire & Ice Shots, Rumpleminz $3 Draft Pints

Burger Bash 3-8PM! 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Saturday 4/26

7 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Monday 4/28

9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Lt,The Ice Boxers Miller Lite, Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Donnie D

21 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 Pints of Coors

STAR FARM

Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, 29 30 $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Beats DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

DJ Beats

$3 Bloody Marys, $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, For More Information Contact Us: Coors Lt, (517) 3512222 Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!

Tuesday 4/29

$1 Off Bombs $3 Fireball, Fire & Ice Shots, 8 Rumpleminz, $3 Draft Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.50 DJ Minze (Back Bar) Pints of Coors DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bud Light, Labatt

Sunday 4/27

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Free Cash Friday! All fans receive free loot! One large cash prize is up for grabs!

Friday 4/25

THURSDAY:

Lugnuts Baseball returns tomorrow!

If you don’t start following us...

YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU Scan to go right to the page!

The Bar Grid SPENCERSKITCHENANDBAR.COM Book Spencer’s for events, bar crawls and fundraisers ! Lowest Beer and Liquor Prices EVERDAY! Highest Quality food and Drinks only at Spencers

TUES: 2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2! AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

Congratulations Graduates! Specials Run Monday-Sunday All Day & Night!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap w/ Fries 11am to 3 pm $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/ Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 4/24

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic) 1/2 off Apps 6-11pm, Famous Friday “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the Famous

Free small fry with the purchase of any dawg and drink (ask for it!)

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

Friday 4/25

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

Saturday 4/26

Closed. Follow us on Facebook!

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Sunday 4/27

Closed. Follow us on Facebook!

$2 Domestic Bottles, $3 Premium/Micro/ Craft Bottles, $4 Featured Martinis, $2.50 Glasses of House Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Monday 4/28

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers

Tuesday 4/29

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wednesday 4/30

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

Thursday 5/1

$4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the D-Town

Half off apps ALL DAY $4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels Breakfast and Beer! Add a domestic pint for $1 $4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices), 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

All Day! $2 Domestic Bottles Not Valid on Home Game Days

$4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2!

All Day Long, all Mega Menu Items for $1 off!! AFTER 6PM: Fill your own mug (must be a mug & must be 32oz or under) of Labatt’s Blue for only $3!

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

AFTER 6PM...Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

the madlib

Cleaning Out Your Dorm Room

It’s finally time to clean the shoebox of a room you’ve called home for the past nine months and you’re overwhelmed with the amount of __1__ in your room. There are empty __2__ bottles lining the windowsill, and posters of __3__ on the walls. You decide that the __4__ would be the best place to start. You get down on your __5__, like the bitch that you are, and start reaching underneath. The first thing your hand finds is __6__ and your fingers recoil in __7__. You grab a __8__ and __9__ __10__ it under the __11__. When a __12__ jumps out, you __13__ like a little girl. “Who are you?” you ask in disbelief. “I’m __14__.” “Well it’s time to __15__, __16__. I’m moving out.” “But I thought we were __17__. I’ve heard you __18__ doing it __19__ (style) and even __20__ you on.” You __21__ in exasperation. You take your “__22__” by the hand and lead them down the stairs. You write “__23__ for sale” on a sign and tape it to their __24__.

Michelle Danaj wrote this

1: Object used during sex (plural) 2: Cheap alcohol (plural) 3. Embarrassing fandom 4: Large piece of furniture 5: Body part (plural) 6: Disgusting adjective 7: Strong emotion 8: Noun 9: Adverb 10: Verb 11: Same piece of furniture in 1 12: Annoying type of person

13: Verb 14: Name 15: Verb 16: Same Name in 12 17: Type of relationship between two people 18: Adverb 19: Sexual position 20: Verb (past tense) 21: Verb 22: Same relationship as 17 23: Same type of person as in 10 24: Body part

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Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. 2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce. 3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one. 4) Music: What 80s rap group struck antiestablishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”? 5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.

MIKE SADLER, MSU PUNTER DRINKING GAME You Can’t Take it With You Finals are over. Summer is here. Why is it, then, that you’re anxious? Maybe it’s because nothing is packed up and your parents will be here tomorrow. They’re not going to let you take that half a handle, quarter of a fifth, and half a case of beer in the car with you, so, uh…here goes nothin’. What You’ll Need: Whatever beer, wine, and liquor you have laying around. Also, your cleaning supplies. You have those, right? Number of Players: However many roommates you have. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be too nauseous to get lightheaded from the cleaning supplies. How to Play: -Make a list of all the rooms in your apartment. -Divide each of these rooms into a sub-list: Floor, walls and ceiling, furniture, appliances and fixtures. -Draw names. First person drawn gets to choose which room he begins in, etc. -In each room, each participant is required to clean the entire room. -Each time he finishes a sub-segment of the room (floor, furniture, etc.) he may assign a 10-second beer chug or a 5-second wine rip to one of the other participants. -When a participant clears a room, he can assign a shot to another participant. -When a room is cleaned, move onto the next room. -If a participant tops off a garbage bag, he must drop off said garbage bag. -A participant who finishes cleaning a sub-segment of a room may ask the other participants if it is adequately clean. If asked, participants must be honest about the cleanliness of a room. -If a participant cleans a sub-segment of a room and doesn’t ask for a cleanliness check, then assigns drinks and a room is later dubbed not properly cleaned, the person assigned to that room must match the drinks he assigned. The Game Ends When: Your apartment is clean…enough to get most of your security deposit back.

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6) Technology: What tech giant recently bought Oculus VR for $2 billion? 7) Television: What sitcom classic ends with the main character telling a stranger, “Sorry, we’re closed”? 8) Fashion: What hairstyle is defined as a cut with short layers on top with the back left long? 9) Art: Water Lilies is a series of about 250 oil paintings by what French impressionist? 10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?

Mike’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushrooms! 3) Spain and France! 4) Richard Sherman 5) Amino acids! 6) Google? 7) Cheers 8) We have a mullet on our hands 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

Mike’s Score: 8 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Oh Shit, You’re Going to be Late, Better Grab a Banana Dude, you said you were going to get up at like, 7a.m. to study for that finance final. You still had to study chapter 8! Well, there’s no time for that now. Just grab a banana, you need something in your stomach. What You’ll Need: A banana. Shut up, they’re delicious. Cook Time: 0 minutes. Fatty Factor: Bananas have like, 200 good calories, dude. Let’s Get Baked: - Get out of bed and put on some pants. A shirt? Do you have time for a shirt? Okay, you better put on a shirt. - Grab a banana from your kitchen. Who cares if it’s your roommate’s banana? -Start speed walking to class. The best part of bananas? You can eat them while you speed walk. -Top Tip: Did you know that if you open a banana from the bottom, those gross stringy bits don’t get all over your banana? -Eat your banana. You can do it! -Not that fast, dude, you might choke. -Haha, yeah, they do kinda look like dicks. Phew, you made it just in time. Don’t throw the peel away, leave it in a doorway, maybe you’ll end up tripping that kid who always asked questions just as the bell rang.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this

Well, it’s about that time of the year again. The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.

ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns

4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs

For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.

Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.

3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on

7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd

We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.

Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”

6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival 9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.

“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.

8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s

2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd

Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not. Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?

One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.” Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.

5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts 1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.

It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.

the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

SUMMER LOVIN’ EDITION Summer Slampiece: - Sexy Secretary Intern - Punk Festival Princess - Golf Cart Girl - Ice Cream Truck Ice Queen Summer Sex Slave: - Bad Boy Barista - Mall Kiosk Sunglasses Guy - Toned and Tan Lifeguard - Ring Toss Carnie

Where You First “Made Love”: - Looking at the stars at Lucky Man’s Pass - The supply closet on your lunch break - On your parents’ bed when they were away - In the McDonald’s ball pit after hours

You Spend the Fourth of July: - On a boat with some beer - At a family gathering meet-n-greet - Shoving firecrackers up frogs’ butts - Stuck working a stupid shift

Most Nights are Spent: - Cuddling in front of a campfire - Forgetting each other’s names at the bar - Looking for someone with a dime bag - Watching baseball on TV

Road Trip Destination: - Bonnaroo! - Cedar Point - A National Park camp site - To take care of his/her sick grandma

The First Big Fight Happens When You Can’t get Tickets to: - X-Men: Days of Future Past - 22 Jump Street - Maleficent - Jupiter Ascending

Awkward Break-Up Platitude: - “Summer lovin’, had me a blast.” - “One year from today, exactly, let’s meet here in this very spot.” - “I’ll wait for you, I swear.” - “Chlamydia’s not contagious, right?”

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