T
The Volume 7 Cards Against Humanity
st Humanity Cards Again
Cards Against Humanity
PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Burning Man isn’t over, is it?”
THE ALASKAN FIREDRAGON
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
CALLANDER A person who, when on the phone, always manages to think of one more thing to talk about. “…and one more thing,” Erin, a habitual callander, said, “did you hear about Karen last week?”
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Played quarterback for Louisiana Tech.
2
Made comments to GQ that many perceived as homophobic.
3
Has a memoir titled, Happy, Happy, Happy.
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_MSU
ON THE STREETS
the madlib SITTING ON SANTA’S LAP
What do you wish you had told yourself the first day of the semester?
SARAH “Don’t take statics.”
Hey there, ya big, tubby bowl of __(1)__, how ya doing? If you are who you say you are, you know I haven’t come by the mall to talk to you since I was __(2)__, but it’s been a rough year, and I really need you to knock Christmas out of the park this year.
JONATHAN “Budget your weed money.”
Let me start by saying, is that a __(3)__in your pocket, or you just happy to see me? Seems so __(4)__ I could hang an ornament off it, am I right, you big, virile badass? This year I’m going to want a __(5)__, but not one of the cheap ones, one with plenty of __(6)__and __(7)__and everything. I actually have one on my Amazon Wish List, so just log in and check it out. I’m also going to want a __(8)__, a bottle of __(9)__and a lifetime supply of __(10)__. Hey fat man, don’t give me that look, that elf over there told me this is a __(11)__free zone. It’s not just that I want a lot of good stuff, I think my family deserves what’s comin’ to them, too. Get my mom a __(12)__for that time she didn’t get me a __(13)__for Christmas in 2003. Get my sister a __(14)__to remind her of the time she told my mom about __(15)__ in the basement when I was in high school. Karma’s a bitch, aye __(16)__? Finally, get my stepdad Todd a nice big pile of __(17)__. Just ‘cause you get to stuff it in my mom doesn’t mean you get to enjoy the holiday spirit, not with me around. Sorry you jolly bastard, there’s a flock of moms giving me the side-eye over there, so I’ll hop off to let a little __(18)__ hop on and __(19)__on your outfit. Sure you’ll love that. Also, Santa, remember, you better get me everything, I know where you live, and I will __(20)__you.
CLUE BANK
06
1. Kind euphemism for fat 2. Age you last visited a mall Santa 3. Christmas item 4. Adjective 5. Expensive present 6. Feature on #5 7. Feature found on #5 8. Cheap present 9. Something that comes in a bottle 10. Noun
11. Noun 12. Bad gift 13. Hot 2003 Christmas items 14. Karmic gift 15. Illicit high school activity 16. Sister name 17. Something gross 18. Small child synonym 19. Expulsion of bodily fluid 20. Verb
ARIANA “Don’t buy textbooks before the class starts.”
‘TIS THE SEASON
THE TOP TEN
Christmas Gifts From Sparty Christmas is upon us, and the gift-giving season is here to screw you over. If you like to call yourself an A-plus gift giver, think again. The Black Sheep has a list of all the gifts you never thought you’d want, until now. 10.) A Meal Plan: This goes out to our Spartans living off campus. You took that meal plan for granted your freshman year, didn’t you? This new “making your own food” lifestyle is called being a grown-up, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. When Sparty’s giving the gifts, you get a meal plan! And you get a meal plan! And you get a meal plan! 9.) Your Very Own Pet Squirrel: This cheap, effective present will have everyone either swooning or on their way to Sparrow. You’ve always wanted to take home one of these bad boys, so why not take a crack at domesticating one with Sparty’s help? It’s not like your apartment complex said no.
THIS JUST IN:
8.) A Parka: Get ready for a wild ride on the roller coaster called Michigan weather. You’ll be slapped repeatedly in the face by wind chills as bitter as Dave Brandon. Nothing can protect you, save an expensive feather-filled parka provided by your very own mascot.
THE BLACK SHEEP MADE A TRILL RAP
7.) A Real, Working Vacuum: You haven’t cleaned your apartment or dorm since who knows when. If your mom hasn’t already, Sparty can help.
Victoria Martin wrote this
6.) Parking Passes: Your attendance will dramatically decrease once the weather gets worse, so Sparty wants to give you all parking passes. This is the gift that keeps on giving, providing you access to all of campus. Have fun with the keys to the kingdom.
Spartans, listen up, put on your shades, and pass the blunt this way. Pennsylvania to the East, Minnesota to the West, Your mascots are adorable and adequate at best. The only baller in the conference causing you distress, You know him well, he never fell, and always has finesse. His swagger is persuasive and he’s always down to party, By now you know this Christmas flow involves our home-dog Sparty. December’s ‘round the corner and the temp’s about to drop So take a seat, put up your feet, let’s take it from the top. Dollas for the rent – where dey at doe? Goin’ to the bar? Sudden cash flow. Green and white, hella tight, you got them season tix. Win or lose, we still booze – we’re goin’ straight to Rick’s. Setting fire to couches, goin’ straight to third degree Lightin’ up the streets like a blinking Christmas tree. Our victory is known all the way to California. Our fan base is immaculate; it’s better if we warn ya. You ought to smell the roses while you’re breathing in our presence Cause honestly, as you can see, we don’t converse with peasants. Finals are equivalent to a broken Santa sleigh Now they’re finally over, got me feelin’ some type of way.
Shout out to Club Lib bein’ open every hour You almost saw us cry and we never even showered.
5.) A Month’s Worth of Rent: Instead of scraping together the cash you haven’t used at Harper’s or the cab rides there, let Sparty take care of you this month. Even he’s getting tired of all those eviction notices. You’ve got all of your years after college to worry about getting your shit repoed.
Now it’s time to go back home and represent your hood Skills refined, liver’s primed: show off your game like Sparty would.
4.) A Case of Fine (College) Liquor: Nobody likes paying for their own liquor. Instead, Sparty can offer you some Southern Comfort on the rocks, or perhaps a Popov martini? Once you’re a real adult you’re not going to have the stomach or the taste buds to handle these liquors, so drink ’em while you’re young.
Christmas morning never changes; you’re still a kid at heart Sweaty palms and happy moms; your excitement’s off the charts.
3.) A Conrad’s Christmas Feast: Stuck in East Lansing this December? Why not try Sparty’s complimentary Conrad’s Christmas feast? Start with some Mac and Cheese Bites, or try the house salad that absolutely no drunken person has ever ordered. Make your way to the main course: a giant Number One, and finish off your feast with a plate filled with Conrad’s Clusters.
If Santa were a rapper he’d be the realest OG Rhymes will hit you like a CATA bus; he’s doin’ it fo’ free .
2.) A Personal Cab Service: When it’s cold in East Lansing, you don’t want to walk to parties. There’s snow and ice on the ground, so it’ll take all of your spirit just to walk from M.A.C. to Cedar Village. Want to go to the bars, but don’t have three dollars on you? Sparty’s got you covered all night.
When it comes to basketball, our rivals start to beg, The level of our excellence will hit you like the plague. You can catch us in the Izzone, cheerin’ on the players. If you think that you can slip one past us, buddy say your prayers. On fleek in the smartest way to recognize our team, Technique so strong it never stops like water in a stream. Like we said before, Sparty Nation is hardcore Ya’ll can’t speak my slang, you can’t even try and hang, But do you really want some more? Destroyed this flow and now it’s time to go, this beat has separated boys from men, Don’t make us do it again -- just remember that we’re the best in the Big Ten. My rapping is subpar and I might be just a chick, but Spartans are the shit, and there’s no fuckin’ with my clique.
1.) A Smile from Dantonio: This is the smallest, yet brightest gift of all. Nothing screams Christmas like a smile from the silver fox of MSU football himself. It’s rare to see this man with any emotion, something all Spartans appreciate on the football field. A personal smile from Dantonio this Christmas season would be like seeing the Bethlehem star. Danielle Jacosalem wrote this
PAGE 6 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THE MADLIB
TEMPLATE FOR TELLING YOUR PARENTS YOU FAILED Dear Mom and Dad, It looks like I failed __(1)__ again, but it’s totally not my fault! My professor completely screwed me over. It’s like he bent me over a __(2)__ and spanked my __(3)__ until it turned bright __(4)__. I actually tried really hard in that class, guys. I studied for __(5)__ hours this whole semester! I thought I could earn some extra credit by offering to __(6)__ my professor’s __(7)__, but he just got really __(8)__. At this point I was really discouraged, but I tried to win him over by holding a radio over my __(9)__ and playing “__(10)__.” He gave me a dirty look, pointed his __(11)__ at me and said “Hey! Go to __(12)__ you son of a __(13)__!” Clearly I was not welcome there. The next day in class, I offered to clean all the chalkboards for him while wearing nothing but my __(14)__. He didn’t go for that either, which I don’t understand because it worked so well on Lou Anna K. Simon that one time... Finally, I just decided that I would have to pass the class the old-fashioned way and actually study. I sat down in __(15)__, and got ready to really, seriously, __(16)__. Unfortunately, I got too distracted when a __(17)__ __ (18)__ strolled by my chair. I chased after it, past the Sparty statue and all the way to __ (19)__. It led me down to the basement, where they were holding a study session for the very class I was failing! It was like a sign from __(20)__! There were no hot people there though, so I just left. I’m really __(21)__, guys. I tried everything I could to pass this __(22)__ class, but it just wasn’t in the cards. I’ll have to retake it again next semester. I love you, __(23)__-Money
CLUE BANK 1) Name of Notoriously Easy MSU Course 2) Kitchen Utensil 3) Body Part 4) Color 5) Low Number 6) Verb 7) Body Part 8) Adjective 9) Body Part 10) Classic Love Song 11) Body Part 12) Undesirable Place 13) Expletive 14) Article of Clothing 15) Campus Building 16) Action Verb 17) Gross Adjective 18) Animal 19) Dorm on Campus 20) Your Favorite MSU Coach 21) Adjective 22) Rude Adjective 23) First Initial of Your Name Katelyn Hallup wrote this
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What You’ll Need: A flask of your favorite hard liquor, a Sparty’s mug full of cheap beer, and a severe indifference towards your GPA. Number of Players: As many study buddies you can find seats for. Level of Intoxication: You will keep confusing MLA formatting with MMA fighting. Take One Drink When: - You realize this is your first time in the library all semester. - Someone hums or whistles themselves a song. - Someone is clearly skimming through a book they didn’t read. - You see a person mouth the words “what the fuck?”“I cant even” or “Jesus Christ.” - You hear someone mention how drunk they’ll get once they are done with their final. - Someone refers to the library as “Club Lib.” - You get a dirty look for tapping your feet or pen. - You see someone who clearly has not showered in days. - A white girl takes a library selfie. - You receive a text from your friend who doesn’t have any finals to come out to Rick’s. - You see someone using Wikipedia as a source for their paper.
Justin Sienkowski wrote this
Take A Shot for Each: - Person who’s taking up a whole outlet with their
various phone and laptop chargers. - Table that is completely covered by one person’s study materials. - Minute that a study room is unoccupied. - Time you have to go buy more chaser from Sparty’s. Take Two Drinks When: - The “theft alert” startles someone awake. - A guy is clearly shut down by the hot girl in his study group. - You feel the urge to cuss out the person next to you for no particular reason. - You feel the urge to use the colored lines on the floor as a field sobriety test. - Someone looks around frantically as if they’re hearing voices. - You spot someone from class that is actually studying for your exam, unlike you. - You daydream about wild library sex with the person a few tables down. - Someone uses their Combo X-Change, and then uses it again after midnight. Finish Your Drink When: - Someone begins communicating in nothing but grunts and animal noises. - Someone partakes in the Midnight Scream while still indoors - You find an engineering student in the fetal position between bookshelves reciting equations. - You find a stranger playing this same drinking game. Give a Drink To: - Anyone whose computer crashes, resulting in them losing their entire study guide (They’re going to need a few drinks). The Game Ends When: You decide to either change your major or transfer to Lansing Community College after you inevitably fail this exam.
PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THE FINALS WEEK LIBRARY DRINKING GAME
You’ve made it through another semester of missed classes and empty beer glasses here in East Lansing, and now only a week stands between you and a month of recuperation. Instead of spending your last week on campus studying at the library, why not spend it drinking at the library? The Black Sheep firmly believes in the “study drunk, test drunk, pass drunk” method of learning, and we’re here to show you how to both procrastinate and intoxicate this finals week.
IN IT TO WIN IT! SATURDAY LATE NIGHTS 1:01am - 2:02am: The next 5 customers in line will receive a free dub! In-store only, excludes Mega Dubs.
PLUS GREAT SPECIALS SUNDAY-THURSDAY!
MENNASJOINT.COM 115 ALBERT AVE. • 517-351-DUBS | 4790 S. HAGADORN RD. • 517-324-DUBS
Hangover Special Sundays 10:30am - 2:00pm
THE BAR GRID Dubs $5 Breakfast
Hangover Special Sundays 10:30am - 2:00pm
instore only - excludes Mega Dubs
Munchies Mondays The Nightclub Is Back! Amazing Light NIGHTw/Dub Purchase Show & Music 1/2 SPECIAL OFF Munchies
Game Day Specials: During Lions/MSU/Wings $2 Domestics and $1.50 Off MI Crafts, 1/2 Off Small Plates
Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly
Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close
Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates
Book Yours Now! Call 517-333-4040
Nachos and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $5 25oz Long Islands
instore and delivery
Spin to Win Thursday 12/4Tuesdays
2:00pm - 4:00pm Every customer has a chance to win free stuff Closed for a Private Party instore only
Friday 12/5 Waui Wednesdays
$1 OFF Waui Dub +
THE NIGHTCLUB IS BACK! Extraordinary Light Show $3 Pints, Fireball, Kamikazes & Washington Apple Shots DJs 10 til Close
Saturday 12/6 Drink FREE Medium 10:30 - 2:00pm instore only
Available for Sorority & Fraternity Private Parties Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040
Sunday 12/7 In It To Win It Saturday Late Nights Available for 1:01am and 2:02am Student Group Private Parties Monday 12/8 Every Night of the Week
The next 5 customers in line will receive a free Tuesday 12/9 dub
$5 Breakfast Dubs
Monday-Friday ‘til 4:30pm: Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Sandwich, Fries & Pop $5.99 Happy Hour ‘til 7pm: Wells $1.75 and Mugs of Beer $0.75 off
Call 517-333-4040
instore only - excludes Mega Dubs
Munchies Mondays
HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10
1/2 OFF Munchies w/Dub Purchase instore and delivery
Spin to Win Tuesdays Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, $2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray
Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries & Salads $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Islands, $3 Doubles & All Shots, DJs from 2 til Close, NO COVER 10 - CLOSE
LAST WEEKEND B4 FINALS $3.50 Pints, $3.50 Jager Bombs & Johnny Vegas
2:00pm - 4:00pm Every customer has a chance to win free stuff Check Us Out All Week: instore only LAST WEEKEND B4 FINALS $2 Tailgate Specials MSU Home Monday - Wednesday:
Football Games ‘til kickoff 3 Buckets for $35 (1 Bucket Beer, 2 Buckets Food)
1/2 Large Pizzas All Day 1/2 off (most) Drinks 8pm ‘til close
3pm - Midnight Thursday- Saturday: Noon - 2am Sunday: Noon - Midnight
Waui Wednesdays
$1 OFF Waui Dub +
FREE Medium Drink
1/4 lb. Cheeseburger $3.29 $2 Mugs of Miller Lite 1/2 off drinks for Hospitality Employees
Follow us on Twitter @front43pub
10:30 - 2:00pm instore only Happy Hour 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells,
$2 off food, $4 select pints Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray
In It To Win It Saturday Late Nights
MSU B-Ball on TV @ 2 PM $3.50 Calls & Fireball Shots DJS 9 til Close, GO GREEN! HALF OFF Pizzas (as low as $4)
HALF OFF Beverages (as low as $2)
ALL DAY – ALL NIGHT Karaoke @ 9, NO COVER $5 MOO & BREW (Burger & Beer HALF OFF Pints $2.25 $3 Long Islands NO COVER
1:01am 2:02am Happy Hour and 3p-6pm; $2.50 wells, TWO DOLLA TUESDAY $2 off food, $4 select pints $2 Drinks, The next 5 customers in line will receive a free dub Pints & Bottle Beers Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $0.50 Wings - $6 Crab Rangoons Than 1/2 Off Anywhere Else Absolut, instore $3onlyCall- Drinks; excludes MegaJim,Dubs Better DJs @ 10, NO COVER
Available for Fundraisers Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040
Sporcle Live Trivia! 7-8pm and 8-9pm $1 off Burritos, Nachos and Taco Plate, Tequila specials and $2.75 Corona and Dos XX
Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray
Wednesday 12/10
Available for Private Parties & Celebrations Every Night of the Week Call 517-333-4040
Famous Crunchy Burger or Chicken Special ALL DAY! Live Music presented by Fusion Shows at 10pm! $0.75 off Mugs of Craft Beer, $2 Mugs of Labatt
Ladies Night 4-12am; $3 glass/$9 bottle of wine, 1/2 off apps for ladies | Late Night: 10pm-Midnight; $3 Call Drinks; Absolut, Jim, Jack, Jose, Bacardi, Tangeray
Thursday 12/11
Book Private Events Call 517-333-4040 9-5, Mon-Fri Ask for Shelly
Small Cheese Pizza and Domestic Pitcher $10.50 $2.75 flavored vodkas 9pm ‘til close, $5 Bombs 9pm to close
Hospitality Night 10pm-1am: 1/2 ALL Michigan beer/liquor, 1/2 off all small plates
instore only - excludes Mega Dubs
THURSDAY NIGHT THE BEST SPECIALS IN TOWN NO COVER 10 TIL CLOSE
HALF OFF WEDNESDAY!
Your Choice of Beer Plus: Wings $3.98, Burger $4.98, Pizza $5.48 Caesar Salad & Long Island $5.98 Jerry Sprague @ 6, DJs @ 10
HAMBURGER HEAVEN $2 All-You-Can-Eat, 2 til 10
Burgers, Hot Dogs, Fries & Salads $2 Pints, $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamikazes, Long Islands, $3 Doubles & All Shots, DJs from 2 til Close, NO COVER 10 - CLOSE
NOW LEASING FOR 2015-2016 (517) 481-3048 chandlercrossings.com 10x2.indd 1
9/16/2014 2:56:24 PM
PUB
THE BAR GRID
EAST LANSING
21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10
MONDAY - FRIDAY: Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer
Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer
THURSDAY! BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs
Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers
BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers
$3.25 All Draft Pints, $3.25 Jack Daniels, $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles, $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots
Sun-Wednesday: Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurantbar-hospitality industry workers
$3.75 Captain Morgans $3.75 All Flavored Vodkas $3.25 Wells & Domestic Bottles $3.25 Soco Lime and Kamikaze Shots
Sunday Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar 10 a.m.-3 p.m: Special menu of made-to-order breakfast items and our famous make-yourown Bloody Mary Bar | Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight: 25% off entire tab for restaurant-bar-hospitality industry workers
Closed for Detroit Lions Football! Please call (517) 332-2959 to Schedule Your Bar Crawl
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer
MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL 1⁄2 off Pitchers $4.75 Domestic, $6.25 Premium $3.25 Blue Shots
Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer
Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers Industry Nights, 10 p.m. - Midnight
Happy Hour 2-4 p.m.: $3 Standard 20 Beer Burger-Beer 4-6 p.m.: $7 for Classic burger, Crack Fries and select beers
$2.75 All Call Drinks $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles
$2.75 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.75 Long Islands
$2.25 Well Drinks $2.75 Bud and Bud Light Bottles $3.25 Platinum Bottles $3.25 White Gummy Bear Shots BURGER BASH (3PM – 8PM): $1.25 BURGERS, $1.25 WAFFLE FRIES, 1⁄2 off All Wells, Calls, Bottles, Drafts, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs | 8pm-Close: $2.75 All Call Drinks, $2.75 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.75 Soco-Lime & Kamikaze Shots, $3.75 Long Islands
CRAFT DRAFT
SHOTS
Happy Hour Specials: SATURDAY: CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch Go Green! Go White! SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit Beer$2.50 Domestic Bottles Schnapps 4 $0.50 Beer, $4.50 Long (Bellair, MI) $5 $2.50 14oz Domestic Drafts Specials Run Monday JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Watermelon Schnapps, Red Bull, 5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3.50 22oz Domestic Drafts TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American Sunday All Day & Night! (2pm-8pm) IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball 4 $2.50 Well Drinks BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier (Colorado) $5
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) GUINNESS - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider $2 Wells (6-11PM) (Massachusetts)
JOLLY RANCHER - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells,
BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 $3 MicrobrewJAGER Shorts $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $5 and Brew 7 PATRON $3.50 Beef Schawarma SandBurger Special! wiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, Happy Hour 3-7
ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA (Grand Rapids, MI) $4
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% $2 Wells (6-11PM) hefeweizen (Germany) $5
SPECIAL NIGHT
HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS - SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% American IPA (Bellair, MI)
Fireball, Bacardi MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, $6 Chicken Schawarma
Salads
151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Blue Moon Shorts $3 Royal, Captain & Bacardi Drinks, Apple WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown $4 Captain Morgan $3 Schapps, Cranberry 5 $2 Washington Apple Shots, $3 Johnny Vegas Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger CIROC BOMB - 6 Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft Happy Hour 3-7
FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% American Amber / Red Ale (Colorado) $5
Friday
HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Smirnoff Cinna-twist 5
JAMESON - 5
LAGUNITAS - American IPA |Long 6.20% ABV California, $3 Bells Two Hearted $0.50 Beer, $4.50 United States $5 Islands, and $2.50 Bombs $3 Jack CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER (2pm-8pm) $3 Fireball CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees
COCKTAILS
MILLER LITE - Miller Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV Wisconsin, United States $3
Thursday
Saturday
BLOODY MARY - Kettle one vodka, tomato juice, horeradish, hot sauce, ground pepper 7
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints,
MOJITO -Bacardi juice, mint leaves, MASTER $3 Rum, 16oz,lime Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV $3 Pearl Bloody Marys simple syrup, club soda $6 7 Oasis Margarita Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis Sunday 1/2 Off Day! Missouri, United States $3 and Screwdrivers Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Drinks, 6pm - 10pm LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite the rocks 6 $5 OffonKabob Combos For Two Happy Hour All Day! Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3
Sunday
& $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
STATE BOMB - Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6
BEER BOTTLES
$2 Domestic (6-11PM) AMSTEL LIGHTDrafts 4 BUD LIGHT $2 Wells33(6-11PM) BUDWEISER BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 COORS LIGHT 3 CORONA 4 CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT BLUE LIGHT 3 NEW CASTLE BROWN 4 RED STRIPE 4 NEGRA MODELO 4 MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 MOLSON CANADIAN 3
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM) Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints
ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don Julio, Grand Marnier, $2 Domestic Bottles, $3
Premium/
lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder 9 $5 Bud Light, Coors Light Micro/Craft Bottles, $4 Featured BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored$2.50 Vodka,orange Martinis, Glasses of House and Miller Lite CARRIE Pitchers liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 Wine, $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Happy Hour 3 - 7
Monday
Falafurger Combo
TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND - CÎROC, Don Julio, Captain Morgan, Tanqueray, Grand Marnier, Coke, sour mix 8
$3- Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles Grey Goose, dry MARTINI ON THE ROCKS and 8Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Vermouth, bitters, lemon peel
$3 Angry Orchard Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup 6Mai Tai's, WHISKEY SOUR - CrownWines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Happy Hour All Day! $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, 7 $3 Off Select Appetizers
Tuesday
ROCK CITY - Vanilla vodka, spiced rum, Vernors
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian
MARTINIS
Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $2.75 Corona, Corona Light $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, and Dos Equis $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our GUMMY BEAR Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, Mediterranean Wines,splash $2.49 Falafel Happy Hour 3-7 of sour and sprite 7
Wednesday
Sandwiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in a chilled martini glass 8
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)
$3 Microbrew Shorts Burger and Brew Special! Happy Hour 3-7
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
TRAY CATERING FROM 10 TO 1,000. ANY EVENT
Thursday
Santa’s College Christmas Surprise Albert Maclin Wrote This
A VERY COMBO X-CHANGE CHRISTMAS
Christmas Eve had arrived yet again. Saint Nick had covered about half the globe, and was dropping gifts off for the good little boys and girls attending Michigan State University.
Since the holidays are around the corner, it’s hard not to have a little soft spot for the homier things in life: couches, well-prepared meals, and the baby Jesus statue that gave you nightmares as a kid. But don’t think you can’t bring a little piece of home back to the dorm room, especially because you’re about to have a massive anxiety attack before finals week.
“Jesus Christ,” Santa muttered to himself while double-checking the naughty and nice lists. “A lot of Spartans have been extra naughty this year. I’ll need to check Urban Dictionary to see what most of the stuff they do even means.”
Yes, you can enjoy a slice of home with a grand Christmas meal! Fortunately, MSU has graced those who possess a meal plan with an ideal way to kick off the holiday season right. With merely your Combo X-Change, some matches, and the robe you found on the street next to Akers, you can have the best makeshift Christmas since that one dude tickled your tonsils during an ugly sweater party freshman year.
As Santa slipped down the chimney of a house near Grove Street, he had a hankering for cookies and milk. He was pleased to see that the home’s residents still had it in their hearts to leave out a snack thanking him for his hard work. Maybe kids weren’t all bad. He gobbled down the cookies, and helped himself to some milk from the fridge, which he found hidden behind several cases of Hamm’s. Santa left his hosts their presents, and made
Quarter page ad back = 5”to w 5.5” h his way theX roof. “GODDAMMIT PACE,” he cried, noticing the parking ticket affixed to the front of his sleigh. “I was here for, like, six minutes!” He knew who was getting coal this year.
As he was about to take off, Santa felt a familiar sensation coursing through his body. As the THC began to take its full effect, Santa realized
that the Grove House had left him more than just chocolate chips in their cookies. “Edibles? Really? You little shits…” Santa was annoyed, but suddenly very giggly. “We have a new plan,” he announced to his reindeer. Talking to animals suddenly seemed very normal. “We will skip Ann Arbor and the whole state of Ohio this year, because both of them are super lame. Instead, I need Menna’s, pronto.” After a Loaded Dub, a nap, and a quick stop at Harper’s, Santa was back on his way to spreading Christmas cheer. Running about three hours and two countries behind schedule, Santa was in for the ride of his life. “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!” he exclaimed to the stars. “Also, turn up for Tom,” he added with a wink.
And if you’re truly dedicated to making a Christmas meal, start by stocking up on your Combo X-Changes early in the week. All you really need are the cheese sticks and Pop-Tarts. Make a lot of eye contact with the Sparty’s employee as you purchase your Combo to let him or her know that you mean business—Christmas business. To bring together all the elements of this feast, gather your materials and trek over to the Taco Bell on Grand River. Squat in the alley wearing just your robe, and start a fire with your matches. Cook up the Pop-Tarts and cheese sticks, and voila—a Christmas meal fit for a homeless king! Will you make some new friends? Probably. You will be obligated to share your feast of warmish, Wild! Berry Pop-Tarts and Colby-Jack cheese with a man wearing a trash bag like a thong, but on the bright side he might compliment your robe. Together you and your new friend can create a brand new Christmas tradition. Becky Stanish wrote this
The only relevant shirts
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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 2 ou
1) December Dates: What award, named after the eponymous man’s death, is given yearly on his birthday, December 10th? 2) Hanukkah: How many days is Hanukkah celebrated? 3) Christmas Carols: What famous carol contains the lines, “Not only green when summer’s here/ But also when it’s cold and drear”?
6) Candy: Peppermint is a hybrid mint, a cross between watermint and what other kind of mint? 7) 2015: What 80s classic has a trio arriving to October 21st, 2015? 8) The Bible: According to the Bible, in what city was Jesus born?
4) Fad Gifts: Christmas 2004 saw Billy, who sang, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” What was Billy?
9) Festivus: The Festivus Feats of Strength ends when this happens to the head of the household.
5) Holiday Movies: This 2003 holiday Christmas hit originally had Jim Carrey attached to play the lead role.
10) New Year’s Eve: What city hosts an annual “Peach Drop” on New Year’s Eve?
Walter’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) I have no idea 2) Ten 3) No idea 4) I have no idea 5) The Santa Clause 6) Spearmint 7) I have no idea 8) Bethlehem9) No idea 10) Miami
1) Nobel Prize 2) Eight 3) “O Christmas Tree” 4) Bass, or Big Mouth Bass 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) Back to the Future II 8) Bethlehem 9) He or she is pinned 10) Atlanta
WALTER HOPKINS MSU SPANISH PROFESSOR
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
WINTER WARMTH
EXTRA DEEP DISH PIZZA
So, you think you’re getting roped into a nice, tipsy drunk tonight, the kind that has you feelin’ real good inside? Very wrong. You’re going to need a lot of alcohol to numb your body from this frigid weather. Trust us, alcohol is the coziest blanket to keep you warm in this polar plunge, and we know you’ll be thanking us later.
Nothing warms the heart in this weather more than a deep dish pizza. This might not be restaurant quality, but hey, let’s just pretend you had enough foresight to call the ole pie shop before you got high.
What You’ll Need: A handle of cheap vodka and a campus full of people who give you reasons to drink. Level of Intoxication: Enough to make you think it’s appropriate to walk outside in just a shirt and pants and feel fine. How to Play: Post up at your window and take a pull from the handle when: - You see a basic white bitch wearing UGGs. Take two if it’s a dude. - You see somebody wipeout on ice or snow. Didn’t teach “walking” where yer from, huh? - You see a person wearing so much clothing you can’t see their skin. - You think you should have a snow day, but the administration snows on your parade and announces class is still on. - You see that one dude who thinks he’s too cool for the Mother Nature and wears shorts and a t-shirt outside. - There’s an attempt at a snowman, igloo, or a snow penis. Whatever works for you, man. - You see a foreigner (west coast student) questioning what snow really is.
What You’ll Need: A frozen pizza (hell no, we aren’t making jack shit from scratch), a 5 lb. bag of cheese of your choice, and whatever other toppings your heart desires. Fatty Factor: Enough to clog your arteries. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. - Unwrap the frozen pizza and drop handfuls of cheese all over it. - If you have any extra toppings, start layering them between cheese like you would taco dip. - If there’s anything still left in the bag of cheese, empty it onto the pizza. Don’t you remember it’s supposed to be extra deep? - Throw that work of art in the oven. Doesn’t matter if it’s not done preheating, just eyeball it. You’re smart; you go to college to learn good. - Anxiously wait for the best thing that you could ever stuff in your mouth. Probably 22 minutes or somethin’. - When it’s done, GET EXCITED, but don’t forget to grab oven mitts. If you don’t have any, winter gloves are a good substitute.
The Game Ends When: You can’t feel the icicles hanging off your body when you streak around campus. You’ve seen The Shining, right?
We all know you won’t be able to wait until it cools to try it so take a bite, inevitably scorching the top of your mouth, but don’t say we didn’t warn ya’. If you’re lactose intolerant, just locate the nearest bathroom.
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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
What’s the best way for you to
procrastinate for finals week?
A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
PAGE 14 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
#JUSTICE
LIBRARY COPS: FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHT TO STUDY Lauren Masek wrote this
In the MSU Main Library, procrastination-based offenses are considered especially heinous. On the top floor, the dedicated officers of the MSU Police Department who investigate these vicious crimes are members of an elite unit known as the Keep Students Studying Squad. These are their stories. Officer D. Karp: “I was patrolling the 2nd floor of the library when I noticed a student on her laptop. Strike one—that’s what books are for. Upon closer inspection, I saw that she was browsing the pinnacle of procrastination websites: Tumblr. She could waste her entire night on it; I had to get her back to studying before she was truly lost. I mean, she had multiple tabs open. Not only Tumblr, but Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, too. I walked over to her and shut her laptop. She looked up at me like I had just killed her puppy, but after seeing my stern, disapproving look, she slowly pulled out her MTH 116 book from her backpack and went to work on practice problems. All in a day’s work.” Officer V. Hole: “On the top floor of the library, I came across two students engaging in the most pleasurable form of procrastination: sex. They were up against one of the bookcases, going at it like a couple of Wolverines having hate-sex after another disappointing loss. In a way that would make Christopher Meloni hand me his Oscar (if he had one), I peered through the bookshelf and
stared into the eyes of the girl getting rammed from behind. It only took her a second to notice me, and she let out the most bloodcurdling scream I have ever heard. Nothing kills the mood like a pervy cop combined with other students shushing you. Then I whispered ‘back to your studies, kids,’ and slinked away slowly. You’re welcome.” Officer M. Kaveli: “I was walking the beat one evening when I was called to the 3rd floor by a library worker, who explained that there was a commotion in one of the study rooms. Several students were having a rap battle; I blame those damn videos on the YouTube. They were trying their hand at “Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters” when I intervened. I suggested that they make a rap out of the subject they were studying; at least that would be productive. They obliged and started spouting some rhymes about the Civil War for their HST 304 exam. Lincoln freeing the slaves has never seemed so badass.” Officer J. Mitchell: “While in the bathroom, I was prepared to drop a deuce when I heard laughing from the stall next to mine. I peeked over the wall of the stall and saw a boy on his phone watching Vines with his pants secured around his waist. I cleared my throat and the boy looked up, pinching a loaf in his boxers out of fear. I told him that I would take his phone away and have his parents come pick it
up if he didn’t take care of what was in his pants and get back to studying. He went for the latter and I escorted him back to his study table where his friends were all on their phones. After confiscating several smartphones and tablets I returned to the bathroom to create a ‘vine’ of my own.”
THE SEEK AND FIND
All four of these officers have received the highest honor that members of the Keep Students Studying Squad can receive: the Golden Sherlock. With their superb detective skills, these honorees have rightfully earned the coveted award. Justice has been served; procrastination has been defeated.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
the HOW WILL YOU DRAMATICALLY AVOID FINALS? quiz With finals quickly approaching, we imagine you’re already scheming of ways to get out of them. Since we’re guessing your ideas aren’t very good, The Black Sheep has created a totally legitimate quiz to assist you in choosing how to escape your exams.
1) How many written finals do you have? a) One. b) Three. c) Too many *sob*. 2) Which 2 Chainz lyric is most applicable to your life? a) “SHE GOT A BIG BOOTY, SO I CALL HER BIG BOOTY.” b) “I got so much money, I COULD BUY A BENCH.” c) “Chain hang to my ding-a-ling.” 3) In your opinion, Christmas music is okay to be played: a) The day after Thanksgiving and NO earlier. b) Whenever the hell I want. c) Never.
NOW LEASING FOR 2015-2016
4) What’s the best way to study? a) Somewhere quiet, like the library or the women’s lounge. b) With a group to keep me on track. c) Crying alone in my bed.
PrintAdLarge.indd 1
5) Would you consider yourself dramatic? a) Yes, absolutely! b) Not at all. c) A little bit. 6) Which word should be eradicated from the English language? a) “Bae” b) “YOLO” c) “Basic” 7) Have you been to the library this year? a) Yes, once. b) Every day. c) What’s a library? 8) What are your plans for break? a) Sitting on my parents’ couch watching Netflix. b) Working. c) Eating everything there ever was.
8-13 Points: Join The Insane Clown Posse, Quit School:
If you got anywhere from 8 to 13 points, you’ll be joining the Insane Clown Posse in order to ditch your finals. You’re cognizant of their unreal popularity and success, so school isn’t even going to be necessary anymore. You’re going to be a rich, crazy clown.
14-19 Points: Steal Your Professor’s Dog and Hold Him Ransom:
You don’t screw around. You’re stealing your professor’s dog until he or she cancels the final. Cut up words from a newspaper, glue them to a piece of paper and leave it behind once you have that cuddly mutt. Plus, you get Jesus points for doing a civic duty to your fellow classmates. Then you get to hang out with a cute dog (assuming it’s not a Chihuahua or a pug) for a few days, so bonus! Just don’t’ take him for walkies, rookie mistake.
20-24 Points: Fake Ebola:
You’ll be avoiding finals by feigning the symptoms of Ebola. This is more difficult and dramatic than running away to join the gangster circus or stealing a dog, but totally doable. Don’t bother researching the symptoms, just go to any doctor and say the words “Ebola” and “I just came back from Africa” and you’ve got yourself a free quarantine. We just hope you have Netflix; shit’s gonna get boring.
ANSWER KEY:
1: A-1 B-3 C-2 2: A-2 B-3 C-1
3: A-3 B-1 C-2 4: A-2 B-3 C-1
5: A-3 B-1 C-2 6: A-1 B-3 C-2
7: A-1 B-2 C-3 8: A-2 B-1 C-3
Molly Burford wrote this
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