Michigan State - Issue 1 - 8/22/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 9, Issue 1

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

8/21/13 - 8/28/13

The Black Sheep’s

Convocation Speech BY: Zoë Kremke Welcome back, you sexy-ass Spartans, for another fall in East Lansing. Starting another semester is always a delicious delight, primarily because of you, but also because of late night French toast sticks at the cafeteria. That being said, The Black Sheep is thrilled to bring you to and through another semester. Naturally, we’re even more excited about making the memories you won’t actually remember when Monday rears its ugly head. Just think of what this year could hold for us, fellow Spartans: the late nights at Club Lib, hung over Friday morning 8 a.m.’s, and those fantastic yet regrettable one night stands with that person whose name you attempted to secretly type into your phone…Roobort? Ah, yes, the new semester is filled with opportunity and potential. Summer is undeniably rougher than that under the table drug trafficking you accidentally got involved in during spring break last year. After all, moving back in with your parents to work an unfortunate part-time job can be excruciating. For starters, you feel obligated to put on real pants all the time, which should never be the case. And we know you had a meltdown when you realized your folks don’t keep tequila stashed under the sink in case of emergency. Fear not, Spartan. You’re home now in the great city of East Lansing. Where pants are optional and emergencies of all shapes and sizes are met with equal amounts of hard liquor and love. Look around you, Spartans. You are surrounded by your own kind now, not those non-State pansy asses you were stuck with over the summer. They will never understand you like your Michigan State brethren do. They don’t live the Sparty On lifestyle. They’ve never woken up in the middle of Adams Field on a Sunday morning wearing nothing but a floral print shower curtain and brushed it off as no big thang. They will never know what it is to tailgate with strangers and feel more welcome than they would at home on Thanksgiving. But don’t worry, you don’t have to pretend to like your summer friends anymore, you’re back at State and ready to put that life behind you.

only to dismiss the thought because the possibilities are too horrible to imagine. Go out Spartans, and dance passionately, though not particularly well, at The Whiskey Barrel. Give out your number to every smoking hot individual you see, with your only reasons being that you are past the point of what can sanely be considered “intoxicated,” and because you have a raging libido that cannot be contained by your typical lack of suave. Get bacon on your pizza because life’s short and bacon is worth your time, dammit. Hell, include bacon in your one night stand endeavors.

This fall, we want you to laugh. We want you to cry. We want you to wonder why your jacket smells like Lysol, gin, and marinara sauce,

Make your Spartan family proud. It’s a tall order, since most of us have stories that would give the average asshat a heart attack. But this

fall we each pull our weight, as individuals, to go above and beyond what is expected of us as Spartans. Don’t get us wrong; this will not be an easy task. Things might get a little sketchy. Actually, that’s sugarcoating it. Things will get downright fugly in our pursuit of the ultimately badass semester. There will be times when the only thing that keeps you holding on is that you’re not a Michigan fan. We promise that when a challenge is placed before you, whether it’s drinking, cramming, or trying to drink while cramming—you will succeed. Take in the wonderment of fall in East Lansing as only Spartans can: With intense sex appeal.

page 5

page 7

On Football: Beautiful, Beautiful Football

The top 10 Lie You’ll tell yourself about this year.

A Day in the Life: recounting your summer job

Football is back and everything feels normal again.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

Your time in prison, better known as your awful summer job.

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The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_MSU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Gay San Francisco government icon’s sweet bedtime snack. Check back next week for the answer!

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Relationship Advice with Randy Dickerman By: Andrew Rickerman AKA Randy Dickerman Devoted readers, you beautiful, wonderful, politically inactive beings, we missed you. It’s great to have you back on campus. With a new year upon us, so are new relationships. Most are rooted in a shared love of boozin’ and yelling at people, but some unfortunate souls may actually come across someone they care about. You know, when you kind of listen to the words come out of their mouth, and you don’t sprint in the opposite direction if you see them outside the hours of midnight and 4 a.m.

Leave the talking to them. Approach this like your other sexual exploits: Get bombed, use the go-to “I wanna make you pant like a dog” line, and lead with your tongue. What could go wrong?

Well, one of our writers (we’ll call him Randy), was recently deemed a “relationship killer.” Therefore, we figured we’d dig him out of his boozy depression and seek some relationship from the greatest wealth of romantics we know — our lovely Twitter followers. You guys tweeted us some love “advice,” and as a bastion of healthy relationships, here’s what we thought of said advice:

Though a little depressing for the romantic in us all, you’re onto something, Kristi. Relationships are all about how long you can trick the other person into believing you’re not a psycho. The longer you can hold out, and the more lies you tell, the closer you are to true love and happiness. For the guys, that’s all until the girl you’re seeing finds out you do laundry by “seasons” and that you have a “rotation” of socks. So don’t worry about working out your own issues. Stick to the one-nighters, and never lose sight of what’s important—everything that’s wrong about them. Randy B, you’re a man decadence and wisdom. We like your style. This is great advice for our small, but fervent Christian following. If you’re holdin’ out for “the one,” hoppin’ on the OTPHJ train and smushin’ whatever’s underneath your partner’s Levi’s is the only feasible option in the meantime. Anyway, when it comes down to it, making a mess in the boxers you “borrowed” from your roommate is a much more spiritual experience than any church can provide. Trust us.

Christ, Marshall. We’re trying to have a respectful conversation about over-the-pantshand-jobs and God here. How do you expect us to dive into this one? Nevertheless, we must honor our journalistic integrity and press on. When this topic comes up, most people say you need to sit down with your partner, have a “conversation,” discuss the necessary “supplies,” and say what each other “feels” about it. Screw all that garbage. You’re a 21 year old alcoholic, not some cast member of The View.

Grant Boxey, if you decided to run for office someday, or that you wanted to burn down a Yoz Yogurt, you’d have The Black Sheep’s backing. Okay, not the second part; that’s frowned upon in some circles, but Grant makes a great point. Where a girl wants—and expects—to be taken out says a lot about her. If your date is thinkin’ P.F. Chang’s, then some crap Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants spinoff, and wrapping up with frozen yogurt at some “cute” place, you need to kick her yuppie, privileged ass to the curb. What’s wrong with dinner at Chipotle, then watchin’ Predator on your crumb-covered futon? You’ll even pay for the guac! Nothing says romantic evening like slammin’ a burrito the size of your head and doing Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. Try that next time. Chivalry and max-masculinity all at once. Oh, yeah. Thanks to those who tweeted at us. It was fun. Time to stock up on underwear, forget about communication skills, keep lying, and watch Predator at least once a week. You’re on the path to true love, my friends.

On FOOtball Beautiful, Beautiful Football

The

Top

Ten

Lies you’ll tell yourself about this year By: Halie Woody

10.) Get better grades!: A classic lie we have all been telling ourselves since day one. If procrastination were a class, you would still only get a 2.5. 9.) Go to every class!: You can’t even read that without giggling to yourself. Brady Hoke will go vegan before you go an entire week without missing a single class. Morning classes are immediately in jeopardy of being a failed class. There is no way you’re getting up at 8 a.m. unless there’s a breakfast burrito and a pot of hot coffee available at your bedside. 8.) Get a gym membership!: You’ll go to the gym for a few weeks, it will be hard, and then you’ll realize that it’s just a waste of time and money that you could be blowing on booze and internet condoms. Happiness is easy, just plug in your N64 and call Conrad’s. 7.) Save money!: You know that plan you have to save a bunch of money buying football tickets, then selling most of the games to freshmen girls who lost theirs at the frat tailgate? Yeah, you’re going to blow all of that at Pinball Pete’s. 6.) Branch out and make more friends!: Everyone except Drake loves new friends. The problem is making them. In theory, people seem tolerable, but in reality, they suck. Everyone is just waiting for the next person to close their mouth so they can tell their own, cooler story.

First Down, bitch. Spartan Nation: It has been an actionpacked summer. You experimented with questionable drugs, went to your summer job so hung over that you swore an elephant the size of Brady Hoke sat on your head, and you pulled all-nighters competing in unofficial naked marathons. But the time has come to settle back into East Lansing and enjoy a quiet new year, spending Saturday mornings at 366 West Circle Drive (that’s the Main Library, freshmen). Psych! Let’s be real, that’s not what us Spartans are about. This fall, we have one thing and one thing only to say: “First down, bitch!” Our forefathers of the nineteenth century laid the foundation that Spartans are to shotgun a Hamm’s at 6 a.m. on game day! Nothing gets the blood flowing like a ballsy round of waterfall while tailgating before go time. Seeing already-graduated frat boys, reminiscent of Uncle Rico, throw their arms out after every throw of pick-up football is a must. Then again, they could throw that pigskin a quarter mile back in their heyday. Forgive them for trying. Downing pitchers at Dagwood’s is the single greatest pump up before game time ever since the creation of “Gonna’ Make You Sweat” by C+C Music Factory. Freshmen, it is widely recognized that GPA’s will skyrocket the more alcohol you absorb before noon. A tour of the tennis courts is most necessary in order to understand that it is perfectly okay to cartwheel shirtless on a 20 degree day in November, so long as you’re accompanied by a BAC of .21. You may be wondering: is drinking all there

By: Garrison Rasmussen is on football Saturdays? While it is to be assumed that our answer would be, “No, obviously not because we can also smoke weed, give out artisan handies for beer money, and streak in front of the Hannah Administration Building until President Lulu joins in,” you would be wrong. We at The Black Sheep clearly advise that you do all those things and more, but attending Michigan State University comes with the great honor of watching the world’s greatest football team: Our very own Spartans. Every Saturday from now until December, Spartans and football lovers across the nation will enjoy seeing Andrew Maxwell and Connor Cook fire rockets downfield like North Korea on Kim Jong-un’s Sweet 16. You will be all too happy to greet Michael Geiger, whose nuclear foot and leg combo will register alarming amounts on the Geiger counter as kick after kick soar through the uprights. Max Bullough will tear the heart out of the opponent, complete with a shout of “Kali Ma!” bringing a terrifying Temple of Doom upon any school’s quarterback that dare challenge our brick wall defense. This, complemented by the well-known death stare of Dantonio, will send the opponent shrieking down Shaw Lane, tails duly tucked between their legs after the beat down that happens each and every weekend. Freshmen, welcome. Upperclassmen, welcome back. It is our duty to uphold and defend these Spartan traditions. The more you drink, the more likely you are to scream, and your voice will be welcomed every Saturday for weeks to come at Spartan Stadium.

5.) Live positively!: We all know that one douchebag who radiates positivity and everyone kind of hates them for it. The harsh, sober world can be a real downer, especially once the weather starts freezing again. But take out the “sober” part and life seems awesome. Drugs and alcohol are midwives to positivity—health is only a problem for old people. 4.) Eat healthier!: With a meal plan, the cafeteria offers you an endless array of tainted food just waiting to inflate that once in shape body of yours. Living without a meal plan? Have fun shopping at QD and CVS, where every grocery item is still priced at its Great Recession level. This is America, the healthier something is the more it costs. 3.) Get more involved!: Clubs and intermural sports are filled with douchenozzles who like trying at stuff. Between trying not to flunk out of school and trying to stay buzzed, you’ve got enough on your plate.

2.) Dress nicely!: This lasts for the first day of school, after that it’s back to looking like a Breaking Bad extra. Be real with yourself and go buy twelve packs of sweatpants at Meijer. 1.) Slow down the partying!: You’re young and in college, it’s just part of the deal. If acid wasn’t the best cure for a hangover, those scientists in the 60s wouldn’t have been testing it. Don’t be ashamed; embrace your addiction to the nectar of the Gods and those delicious doses. Cheers to another year of living up to absolutely none of your goals!

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets What Late-Night Food Did You Miss Most Over Summer? h o m o re Harper, Sop

“Kraft Mac & Cheese microwaveable bowls.”

o m o re A a ro n , S o p h

“Conrad’s, for sure.”

r Cathy, Senio

“Breakfast for late night in the Caf.”

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: e f i L e h T n I y A Da

Job r e m m u S r u o Y A Recounting of o By: Zach Wyrzyk

Before you whimsically drink the semester away and start wondering where the summer went, it’s important to be honest with yourself what your summer really was: working a shit job with mustachioed neo-Nazis. So, keep this memoir on hand before you start missing those boys of summer… er, nights of summer. You arrive a few minutes early for your shift at Large Supermarket Chain. In order to kill some time, you pretend to read the yellowing OSHA signs that demonstrate the importance of doing stretches that resemble a Lakota rain dance before lifting any heavy boxes. Then you punch in and slouch off through the stockroom to the prestigious Lawn and Garden department. Walking through the double doors out to the garden, you notice that one of your fellow associates is straining the limits of human patience while trying to explain to a customer that flowers tend to die without water. Another associate, known only as The Groundskeeper, strokes his lumberjack beard with an arm decorated with the most heinous of Nazi tattoos while giving the opposite wall the most Nam-worthy thousand-yard stare you’ve ever seen. Nobody talks to him much. A woman who apparently tried to do her makeup without using her hands this morning interrupts your viewing. You can tell by her exaggerated smile and sweet tone of voice that you’re about to be asked to load something very unpleasant into a vehicle the size of a shoe. So it goes. Twenty-five bags of fertilizer later, you close the gate on her Ford Fi-

wski

esta and breath a stilted “have a nice day” as she speeds off through the parking lot. Now that you’ve acquired the fresh covering of dirt and sweat that’s practically required as part of your uniform, one of the several “supervisors” approaches. You haven’t bothered to learn any of their names, but have taken to calling this one Weaselface. Typically, you would feel bad about giving out such derogatory nicknames, but this perfumed rose of a man has alternated between calling you Jack, Nick, and sometimes Phil for the two months that you’ve spent working at this Godforsaken place. His mustache bristling with corporate pride, Weaselface mumbles some half-baked pep talk about having self-respect before marching off to tell the all-powerful store manager how nice her hair looks today. You grab a broom and pretend to sweep the concrete floor. Any real attempt at sweeping is pointless, owing to the fact that this marred and blackened surface has been filthy since titans walked the earth, and will continue to be filthier than a frat bathroom until the Four Horsemen signal the end of days.

of squash, army crawl under a table of discount blueberries, and then sprint to the back of the store to clock in.

By now it’s mercifully time for your meal break. Stowing your name tag, you try to look like you just happen to be wearing a blue polo shirt and khakis and not at all like you actually work here. For dinner, you head to the vending machine because you’re a grown-ass adult.

Several hours later, you contemplate dressing in bad drag to deter any customers from bothering you before you get to go home. But, feigning deafness proves, yet again, to be your only viable option as you speed-walk to clock out.

It feels like you only just blink and it’s time to punch back in. You realize one of the front-end managers is walking towards you, probably going to force you to open a register during the dinner-grocery rush, but before they can take two more steps, you duck behind a display

Pulling out of the parking lot, you notice a familiar Hispanic brood attempting to fit a gargantuan grill into a Chevy Malibu. Chuckling inwardly, you drive away, free and joyful, into the night. Until you remember you have to come back here tomorrow.

Upon returning to the garden center, you’re confronted by a Hispanic woman and her twelve or fourteen children. One of them has apparently been designated as the translator, and through him you manage to explain that the grills you sell run on propane, are for outdoor grilling, and will not fit in a Chevy Malibu.

WEDNESDAYS AT HARPER’S! $1.75 House-Brewed Pints, $2 Shots & $2.25 Cocktails $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $3 Burgers $4 Medium Cheese Pizza, $7 Large Cheese Pizza No Cover - Live Entertainment Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!

HARPER’S VOTED #1 BAR & RESTAURANT 1/2 OFF WED...Food & Drink (11AM til Close) FREE BEER TASTING AT 5PM NO COVER early w/ LIVE MUSIC 6pm-Close Jerry on Bartop, Jeremiah on Deck, Donnie on stage TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR ALL POSITIONS! Like us on FB: Harper’s Restaurant & Brewpub 131 Albert Avenue

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The Bar Grid

LIMITED TIME ONLY | RATES, FEES, DEADLINES & UTILITIES SUBJECT TO CHANGE |

January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.

$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday! (except: Wed.) $3 Pints of Guinness, Harp, Smithwicks and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, John Thursday Friday Saturday Powers, $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish 31 1 2 Nachos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village

½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

FRIDAY: Free Cover! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Wednesday Daily Specials: Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes Monday 9pm-Close

SPECIAL NIGHT THURSDAY 8/22 FRIDAY 8/23 SATURDAY 8/24 SUNDAY 8/25

$2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close Ladies Night: 1/2 6 7 8 Price Drinks! 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium BookDrafts Harper’s & RUSH $2 Coors Light, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Special Events Miller Lite, Labatt Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions! and Bud Light Drafts $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks Free Cover! $3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud DJ Beats (Front Bar) Friday 9pm-Close $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells DJ Beats (Front Bar) Light, Labatt Blue STAR FARM Light DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 – Well Drinks Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes DJ Donnie D Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.50 Pints of $3.00 – Satisfaction Pints Saturday! Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Labatt Blue Light Every DayLive DJs All Night Long $3.50 Well Liquor $2.50 Pints $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots and $3.50 Calls Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs DJ Beats 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies Harper’s Half & Onion Rings

For More Information Contact Us: $3 Bloody Marys (517) 3512222 $3 Mimosas www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3.00 ALL Draft Pints 839863 for specials & updates.

Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!

$8 Burger and Pint Special

WED: $1.75 House-Brewed Pints, $2 Shots, $2.25 Cocktails, $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $4 Medium & $7 Large Cheese Pizza, $3 Burgers No Cover - Live Entertainment! Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!

Thirsty Girl Thursday! $2.25 Wells and Beers Live DJ

TGI Friday! Live Music! $3.00 Pints, Bombs, Bacardi, Stoli

Satisfaction Saturday! Live Music! $2.50 Pints $3.50 Calls

Sunday Funday! $2.00 Pints open til 7 ½ off Adult Beverages & Pizza 7-close

MONDAY 8/26

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells

No Cover! $3.00 Burgers til 4 $2.00 Pints 7 til close

TUESDAY 8/27

Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!

$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

Free Pizza Rama! No Cover - Guest DJ! 7pm - Close: $2.00 Wells, $3.50 Well Doubles, $10.50 Buckets of Corona

WEDNESDAY 8/28

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1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

$1.75 House-Brewed Pints, $2 Shots, $2.25 Cocktails, $0.25 Boneless 1oz Wings, $4 Medium & $7 Large Cheese Pizza, $3 Burgers No Cover - Live Entertainment! Live Music + DJs Starting at 6PM!

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@MSUBLACKSHEEP Scan to go right to the page!

The Bar Grid MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines or Appetizers $1.75 Bud & Bud Lt. Pints Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots MUG NIGHT: $2 Domestic in ANY Mug You Bring! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $2 Corona, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb

Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 4P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts $1.75 Bud & Bud Light Pints PIZZA BAR SUNDAY NIGHT

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

Saturday: Lugnuts Charities Night! LAFCU Fireworks!

Welcome Back! Specials Run Open to Close Monday - Sunday!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Text LUGNUTS to 313131 for Lugnuts Alerts!

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THURSDAY 8/22

Like us On Facebook!

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRIDAY 8/23

Lugnuts Charities Night! LAFCU Fireworks!

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

SATURDAY 8/24

Super Hero Day! Wear your favorite super hero costume!

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUNDAY 8/25

First pitch is at 7:05!

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MONDAY 8/26

The Lugnuts have the day off.

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUESDAY 8/27

Text LUGNUTS to 313131 for Lugnuts Alerts!

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WEDNESDAY 8/28

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The Inevitable “How was your summer?” Conversation By: The Black Sheep Everyone’s least favorite part about coming back to school is the unwritten requirement to ask people (whether you actually talk to them or just recognize their face), “How was your summer?” You just have to. And if you don’t, you’re a dick. Because why wouldn’t you want to know how Katie’s two months in Cabo were? Or how beautiful the view was when Lauren biked over the Brooklyn Bridge on the way to her internship at InStyle? You know it’s coming, and it’s going to be terrible. So to help you out with this year’s forced exchange of summer reminiscence, here are four people you will unfortunately run into when you get back to school and how to deal with them. The “Gym Rat”: To be frank, don’t even bother with this guy because he doesn’t have one interesting story in that steroid-induced monster head of his. He’s gonna tell you how he started dead-lifting 365, how working construction was “the best thing that’s ever happened to him,” and how he sides with A-Rod on the whole HGH scandal. If you get cornered by The Gym Rat, make sure to thank him for the eightsecond iPhone videos of him on Facebook pushing around a tire in an abandoned parking lot while his moron of a friend screams “Fuel to the fire, keep it burning!” Then walk away, because he could crush your normal-sized head with just his thumb and pointer finger. Question he’ll ask you: “Do you even lift bro?” (But seriously.) The “Yeah I Didn’t Do Much” Dude: This guy will make you feel infinitely better about yourself, so stick around just to hear how painfully boring his three months off were. He worked the checkout lane once a week at Home Depot, spent mornings and afternoons inside either playing Starcraft II or reading fan fiction on Starcraft II, and huddled around a bonfire in 92-degree heat, splitting a 12-er of Busch Light

with his buddy Stephen on the weekends. Before this conversation, you wouldn’t have even believed you could waste a summer like this guy has. Question he’ll ask you: “You don’t think they have an Xbox at this party, do you?” The “I Was Abroad!” Girl: Holy shit man, this girl is the worst. Get out as fast as you can with this one. The girl who went abroad this summer is only talking to you in order to point out that you didn't go abroad this summer. Her only goal is to make you feel like a worthless peasant who chose to stay in the United States when you totally could have gone on gondola rides in Venice and Vespa tours in Paris or wherever the hell she went. She actually didn’t even learn anything or appreciate the culture while she was there, but she totally had Instagram aimed and ready to go at all times and saw all of Europe through her shitty 5-megapixel camera. But it’s okay, because now she has 40 more followers than she did a few months ago, 10 less than the amount of hashtags she uses on each picture. Question she’ll ask you: “Wait you didn’t go abroad, did you? Okay good.” The “New York Internship” Girl: How is this girl not broke and homeless? From what we know, New York apartments cost about $1,200 a month for a closet-sized room, and Glamour magazine pays their interns in last season’s scarves. But three minutes into the conversation you’ll learn that her parents “helped her out a little,” and she “basically lived on pizza and Barefoot pinot grigio.” Ignoring her modesty and all-around glitzy aura, you’ll quickly realize that she genuinely thinks she is exponentially better than you, and she has her NYC Subway pass to prove it. She’ll bore your ear off about how “New York is so much

better than Detroit,” which is true, but you don’t have to rub it in. Nevertheless, you will feel jealous, but that’s natural. Not for the reasons she thinks you should be, like seeing Penn Badgley skateboarding in SoHo, but because her future looks incredibly promising while yours looks more and more like Amanda Bynes’. Question she’ll ask you: “Do you watch Girls? No? How about Sex and the City? Oh, because we ate lunch at the place where they shot that one scene...” Just avoid people as much as possible the first few days, and if you do accidentally run into someone you don’t wish to speak to, have a lot of “Gotta go, bye” excuses ready in your arsenal. However if you do get stuck in an unfortunate situation, just lie your ass off and hope your made-up summer makes them just as jealous and annoyed.

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Bartender of the Week Major: Marketing Drink: Dirty martini straight up with blue cheese olive Shot: Terrible Gerbit Disgusting Drink: Wet Pussy What was the best, worst thing you did this summer?: I ended up at a gay bar at 3 a.m. with a fashion designer. It was weird. Who or what are you most excited to see back on campus?: I miss the drunk people who fall down the steps the most. What’s the first thing you’re doing to a freshman?: I’ll probably point them to the wrong buildings.

Libby of Harper’s Drinking Game

What are you actually going to do with your parents’ textbook money?: Who knows.

Five words on the Spartan’s upcoming season?: Be rowdy while beating Michigan. What’s your best bit of tailgating advice for freshmen?: Shotgun start. How long can the average student hold out before skipping their first class?: The first party during Welcome Week. What was your summer anthem?: “Let’s Get Fucked Up” by Start Trouble Do you want to have a tickle fight?: No. When does winter break start?: When it gets too cold to go to class. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: The bar grid and answers to life!

Recipe for disaster

Sparticipation Scavenger Hunt

Back to School Burgers

Whether you're an incoming freshman with an early case of alcoholism or an upperclassman prone to Sunday Fun Days, Malt Liquor Mondays, Toasted Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, and uh, the weekend, Sparticipation is always more fun with some booze in you. We found a way to make the day on campus where every student organization tries to make you feel like you belong even more enjoyable.

Now that you're finally back on campus, it's time to start being an adult again by grocery shopping and making your own food. Since the weather is still nice for a while, here's a quick dinner recipe that is yummy, simple and great for the grill.

What You'll Need: A group of friends, a camera and the alcohol of your choice. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: It all depends on how quick you are. How to Play: - Gather your friends in your apartment the morning before Sparticipation. - Before starting, everyone needs to take a shot or chug a beer. Woo-hoo 11 a.m.! - Divide everyone into teams and make sure each team has a camera. - Make a list of 10-15 things for your teams to gather. Examples include 5 pens from different organizations, 1 religious flyer trying to convert you, 2 pictures of your team with someone LARPing, 1 t-shirt, 1 copy of The Black Sheep, etc. - Once you've gathered all your items, race back to the apartment. - After all the teams return, each team needs to take a shot for the place they finished in. For example, team members on the second-place team need to take two shots. - Award bonus points to teams for the funniest photos, the most colorful pens, and for the number of clubs for which you put down your email address. - Teams then take turns passing out their bonus points in the form of shots to the other teams. The Game Ends When: Does drinking really ever have to end? You'll really regret this when the 200 emails flood your inbox, asking you to come out to the club's first meeting.

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What You'll Need: Hamburger patties and buns, your favorite burger fixings (cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes), cans of Keystone, and French fries or hash browns. Cook Time: About 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You could always use veggie burgers, but that's no fun. Let's Get Baked: - Heat up the grill (most likely the mini George Foreman on your counter, amirite?). - If you're making hash browns, put a skillet on the stove with a little oil and dump 'em in. - Turn the burner up to medium. - Toss your burger patty on the grill and let it cook for a few minutes. - We suggest toasting your burger bun and laying on a slice of cheese while it's still warm. - While your burger cooks, crack open a Keystone (take a sip, you know you want to) and pour a little bit over your burger. - After the suds soak in, flip the burger and pour a little more on the other side. - Keep repeating this until the burger is cooked to your liking. - Slip the patty off the grill and onto the bun. - Dump on your French fries or turn off your stove and add the hash browns. - Add the rest of your toppings, crack open another beer and you're done! The perfect precursor to your first night out back on campus.

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The Black Sheep’s Guide to Drinking Wine Like A Boss Hey reader, what’s in your stash of booze, like, right now? We bet it’s something like 6 beers that once came in a 30-pack, half a plastic bottle of something that smells like rubbing alcohol’s shotgun shack cousin, and maybe if you’re really lucky, a half-bag of something reminiscent of “wine.” This is the year you said you were going to do things up right, keep it classy, but you don’t know where to begin. Well, how about with a nice (glass) bottle of wine?

TBS: When getting introduced to “good” wine, how would a college student on a budget go from a Tour De Franzia to a nice bottle of wine with dinner? Blake: First, stay away from the mainstream publications and seek out a local, passionate wine guy. The big guys are going to be wooed by the money and others’ agendas. This local guy can find you something that was like the chardonnay you had at your mom’s house that you liked, and he can introduce you to new wines you might like as well. Build a relationship with someone; if it’s a buck more, who cares? You get that value in a different way when he can show you lesser-known wines that are great values. Also, go to wine tastings. There are websites that’ll show you when and where they are. Go with a group of friends and just try different things. It’s inexpensive and it’s an experience. Or, just get a group of people to chip in and have a night where you go, “everyone bring a French white wine under

The Black Sheep is here to help. We sat down with two wine professionals to ask them how to integrate sweet, sweet wine into both the college lifestyle and budget. Blake Krynicky is a former chef and consultant now working for Fetzer Vineyards, one of the first sustainable vineyards in California. Bryan Cass is the son of the founder of Cass Vineyards and holds a master’s degree in wine business, which makes us insanely jealous. By: Brendan

ten bucks.” TBS: How is Franzia different from stuff that comes in a bottle? Bryan: The cheap stuff, they don’t use oak barrels, even for red wine. That’s important for making a complex wine, not just fermented grapes. The quality of the grapes is worse, too. A lot of the cheap stuff is made with Grenache, which you can get 10 to 15 tons an acre, but there’s so many grapes that the actual plant has an issue with making grapes of good quality. TBS: Is there a rule of thumb when it comes to wine price points? Blake: There are great wines available for under $20. Even at $15. From $10 to $15, you’ll also find some really good wine. Once you’re sinking under $6 for a bottle you’ve got to be careful. There’s some decent wines out there under that price, but wine’s the most expensive of beer, wine and spirits to produce, so you know they have to cut corners somewhere. $6 to $10 is a great price range to explore when on a budget. Bryan: Nowadays there’s a lot of good stuff that’s $10 to $15, and it’s stuff that’s available at a supermarket. A bottle of wine is about 6 beers in terms of alcohol content, so if you think of cost that way - it’s a decent rule of thumb. A pretty good bottle of wine is about the price of a good 6-pack. TBS: Are there varieties or styles of wine that are generally better at that lower price point? Blake: Certain wines are more expensive to produce. For example, you’re not going to get the same quality in a sub-$10 pinot noir that you will in a cabernet sauvignon because it’s more difficult to cultivate. Imports, like Argentinean wine or Chilean wine, with basics like chardonnay or cabernet, you can do well. TBS: How does region affect wine? Bryan: Typically people break down

wines into “old world” wines and “new world wines.” Old world would be Europe, and new world wines are from everywhere else. New world wines tend to be a little fruitier than old world wines and maybe are a little more approachable flavor-wise for a new drinker. TBS: How do a grape’s origins affect how the wine tastes? Blake: It has a huge effect on the grape. The same grapes grown in different countries—or even different microclimates—will taste different. Wine grapes can taste like a million different things. It’ll exhibit differences if grown in volcanic soil or a mountain valley. Malbecs are popular now, and it’s very easy to tell the differences between them. TBS: Anything to consider when pairing food with wine? Bryan: White wines with no oak and no sugar go really good with spicy food, like Thai or Mexican. Lighter reds are better with pork and turkey and ham. Darker reds are good with more robust meats like beef or lamb. I mean, going on Google and looking for wine pairings is really helpful. Blake: Wines made in certain styles are better with food as opposed to cocktailing. Wines with balance go better with food, while wines that have enhanced aspects are better standing on their own. Some big cabernets are fun to drink, but then you try it with food and it’ll be overpowering. Some zinfandels are very fruit-forward with high alcohol, they’ll be fun to cocktail with, but they won’t work well with food. TBS: What’s the best way to research wine? Blake: Talk to people who know more than you, but be careful. How are they presenting this information? They shouldn’t tell you what you should like, they should suggest based on the information you provide them. Bryan: Online information is pretty accurate; I trust a lot of the websites out there. TBS: What would you tell someone who claims they just don’t like wine? Blake: It’s an acquired taste, and those tastes change. I will eventually find something you like, there’s so many wines out there, there’s going to be one the person will enjoy. So, next time you think of pairing a forty of Olde English 800 with that Easy Mac and taco shell dinner, don’t. Grab a bottle of wine and be classy with your taco shell self.

Hi there and welcome to The Vice is Right! I’m your host, Brew Carey, here today with another exciting game for you, contestant. In front of you there are eight listed prices, each with two items beside the price. One of these items is good, something your parents would be happy to see you spend their money on. The other is the vice item, purchasing this would make them question why they’re paying for you to go to Brew U. Now here’s the tricky part, you have to guess which item’s price, according to Amazon, is actually listed. If you get them all right you’ll win a spot in our Bro-case Hoedown! Check your answers at the bottom of the page, and good luck on The Vice is Right!

Pens • Condoms • Hard Drive • Ramen • TV • Detergent • Kiddie Pool • Underwear

Answer Key (Correct Item Listed):

madlib

Meeting Your roommate’s parents

Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at

___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.

and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.

But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.

Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time!

1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat

8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time

14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity

20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10

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