The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 1 • 1/9/13 - 1/16/13
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a syllabus for Syllabus Week Hannah Borland wrote this
Colleges these days, including our mostly-inebriated-butclassy-as-James-Bond’s-left-testicle Green and White, are doing an A-plus job of teaching vital real world skills, curbing GPA inflation, and keeping tuition affordable. And by “doing” these things we actually mean actually they’re not doing them at all. There is one week to be optimistic, though, and that is the magical, twice-yearly syllabus week that nearly every college student, kind-of-in-a-way, looks forward to. It is the one-week in which you pretend that you might actually enjoy a course and not find yourself medicating with ten to twelve self-prescribed Keystone Lights on a Tuesday night. It’s also the one week where you’re practically required to procrastinate or be designated an overachieving dork. So, naturally, you should have plenty of time to read our course requirements on how to get down during syllabus week. Course Title: MSU 445: “Syllabus Week.” Also known as” Welcome Week, Part Deux” or “Advanced College Life for Students Who Don’t Introduce Themselves to the Professor on the First Day and Therefore Designate Themselves as AssKissers: A Technology-Based Survey”. Dates/Times: Monday, January 7, 2013 - Sunday, January 13, 2013. All day, e’rr day, or until the night before the first quiz that some professors like to have during the first week to show that they have suede elbow pads and they are not dicking around. Instructors: The Black Sheep, Ph.D. in Gender Studies with a Concentration in Male Genital Monikers, Sparty McFly, MS in Historical Football Time Travel, and President Simon, BS and only BS. TAs: Have no effect on your grade. But these pseudo-librarian ladies often have Hefner-worthy T’s and A’s, just not quite Jerel Worthy enough to waste your time on during this first magical week. Course Objectives: The student will only be able to demonstrate knowledge of his or her courses to the extent that he/she vaguely knows when and where they are, as well as the level of attractiveness of the professor. The student should also be able to determine the relative difficulty and seriousness of the professor, and should be able to demonstrate the proportionality of such properties as they relate to the age and number of sexual encounters of the professor, i.e. are they still young enough to give the students a break and are they still banging eligible suitors at the same pace as Taylor Swift on a Percocet binge. Finally, the student should also be able to fully analyze bars, parties, clubs, and other social gatherings to determine
Spring Semester Bucket
their level of drunk, hot, and duck-faced girls, ranging from bro-temptuous to bro-nasty. The student should also know which one of those is a good rating and which implies serious danger of STDs and those dramatic drunk-girl tantrums that still occur every night despite everyone agreeing that they’re fucking worse than cancer and an aging Eminem combined.
this. Unless you’re looking to buy a doorstopper that happens to be pricier than a mountain of gold-plated hooker robots, don’t buy the book.
Grading Scale: 4.0: 0%-89% 0.0: 90% and above. You’re trying way too hard already, slugger.
-When you get a ticket for daring to park anywhere on campus without surrendering your first born, please, set your ticketed car on fire. You only experience so many syllabus weeks in your life, might as well make it memorable with some good ol’ fashioned arson.
Hints for Succeeding in this Course: -Don’t buy any textbooks now. If The Black Sheep were ever serious about anything (we’re not, but whatev’s), it would be
what'’s inside
A Hard Bit to Swallow
-Wear a monocle — being a fancy gentleman never goes out of style.
-Don’t do any reading. At all. Why are you even reading this? Stop now.
New Year’s Resolutions You Won’t Keep
Why? well because we are “Professional Sparty People.”
Shockingly, not another story about our Laundromat shenanigans of choking on quarters.
Everyone loves a quitter!
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Jockulard:
A star high school athlete that has since gained a significant amount of weight. “Did you see Kevin over break? That jockulard used to stuff the ball down a guard’s throat; now he’s stuffing whole pizzas down his.”
Meet The Staff campus managers Justin Gawel
photographer Bailey Paskiewicz
Advertising ManagerS Victoria Bujny, Andrew Meggert Zach Martin, Michael Zalewsky
campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi
Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter Jessica Lee, Thomas Stewart
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone
distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Spring Semester Bucket List alex everard wrote this First and foremost, let us say this: we missed you, dear reader. We missed writing for you; we missed that shy smile that slowly creeps across your face as you read our articles in class instead of listening to your professor. We missed the way you lick your thumb ever so slightly right before turning the pages of the newest issue. We love you so much that we want the best for you, and that is why we’ve compiled a Spring Semester Bucket List that is certain to make all your wildest dreams come true (except that weird, reoccurring one where Mark Dantonio coaches you through sex by calling plays and audibles). Four-Point at Least One Class: You thought we were going to start off the list with something alcohol-related, didn’t you? Ha, we can be funny without booze! Getting an “A” in a class should top your Spring Bucket List because, let’s be honest, between Saturday tailgates, Halloweek, and your inevitable Columbus Day bender, your grades simmered on the backburner last semester. Plus, getting good grades means guilt-free drinking, the best kind of drinking after only post-coital drinking and returning from the Korean War drinking. Damn, guess we can’t be funny without the sauce. Get in Your Izzone: Spartan hoops, as always, is gearing up to make a run this March. No one knows where we’ll be in the bracket yet, but that’s more of a problem for our opponents to worry about. The statement remains true: Tom Izzo goes deep. Whether it’s in the NCAA tournament, in Madden, or in the bedroom; the fact remains certain
that that man goes hard, thorough, and deep. Continue to cheer on our Spartan squad from the best student section in the country. Make a Snow Masterpiece: Recapture the feeling of adventure and accomplishment you had when you played in the snow as a kid. Get some cheap liquor, some friends, and some shovels and create something majestic. Nothing says, “I’m going to have sex in this” like a gigantic Spartan helmet spray painted on the side of an igloo. Hot Tip: Hand warmers can also be used to warm your balls or the tip of your penis, should she be in the midst of a spell of “cold clam,” or if you’re the only one naked. Get Organized: It doesn’t matter what you do with your time, things go more smoothly when you plan them. Buy yourself a tablet or a five-dollar calendar, depending on your budget, and start the scheduling. “Monday: Class 12p2p, Drinking 2p-4p, Work 5p-10p, Drinking 10p-2a, Sleep” Go to the Broad Art Museum: If you haven’t already, you need to check it out. Take the online tour and then go on a date there to spew out knowledge about each piece, coming across as a cultured version of yourself. Bitches love Warhol. Cinco de Mayo: It’s time we stopped overlooking this great holiday; after all, it honors a victory over France - what could be more American than that? We can all pretend to
Fifty Shades of Sleigh meg enter wrote this
be Irish in March with whiskey, violence, and horrible food for a day, so why can’t we all pretend to be Mexican in May with tequila and tacos? Plus, any holiday with “fifth” in the title is just begging for alcohol related debauchery. Follow @MSUBlackSheep: Come on, if you’re reading this, have a Twitter account, and don’t follow us you’re just missing out. We retweet loyal fans and angry haters. We give away drinking gear. We sometimes tweet funny things. We even hand-delivered a stack of papers while shirtless. What more could you ask for?
Young Eskimo, Ana Snow, saddled up the bobsled on a frigid Sunday morning and prepared for a long, hard day in the Arctic filled with meat hunting. Now, although she had only met him once, she was definitely interested in Crispin Sleigh; for he was, after all, the most decorated ice fisherman north of the Arctic Circle and the “into it Inuit.” In fact, the other seventeen girls in her fishing village had at least once fantasized about making sweet, passionate, not hot but, like, forty degree-ish love to him whilst they lay awake and alone in their igloos, brushing their respective beavers. Crispin had invited Ana over to his luxurious igloo after a chance meeting at the Arctic Puffins’ birthday bash last night. Initially, she had been worried; Her Eskimo sisters had divulged that Crispin did not make love; he fucked—hard and fast while employing the use of a dog sled whip. However, Crispin had promised Ana that she would undoubtedly cum and that her “lady bits would be swampier than the North Pole after global warming gets through with it.” With nipples throbbing and genitals tingling, albeit mostly from the sub-zero temperature outside, Ana agreed to meet Crispin the next day. She arrived at the igloo and Crispin greeted her naked at the door. “I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Ana,” he frankly stated as she watches his icy serpent slowly transition from hibernating to fully awake, erect, and as ravenous as a grizzly bear. Immediately, she felt a glacial flow in her fox-fur panties. Worried about contracting frostbite in her lady Eskimo parts, she promptly undressed revealing her unshaven, wild thicket of pubic hair. “I’m a virgin,” Ana revealed to Crispin, as she watched his facial expression go from pleasant to horrified at the thought of popping some plain-looking, twentytwo-year-old virgin’s snowflake. And, in one of the few moves that could have made that moment more awkward, she proceeded to shake his still icicle-hard
penis like the hand of a person she was meeting for the first time. Naïve and uninformed, clearly, Ana did not have the crippling addiction to Internet porn that modern society can’t shake. Thinking that Ana must’ve just wanted her first time to be with someone who knew what they were doing, Crispin pulled Ana in and whispered into her ear, “I’m going to make you so sore you’re going to walk like a baby penguin in the morning, an especially uncoordinated baby penguin.” From there he led her to the small desk in the room and opened a drawer. It was filled with generations of dildos, crafted from only the coldest ice blocks and most suitable mammoth tusk and narwhal bone. “First I need you to sign this sex contract,” he continued. Ana glanced over the sex contract Crispin had authored that made her promise to be his submissive sexual animal with no romantic involvement. Full of intrigue, desire, and fear, she signed herself away. From there Crispin threw Ana up against the ice wall, spanked her cold, bare ass, and began to enter through her back door, as he simultaneously jammed a particularly ribbed piece of whale bone in her front door. Ana let out moans between gasps and the Eskimotion continued with increasing intensity and pace until Crispin pulled out and released a hot, juicy load all over Ana’s backside that steamed in the cold air. Soon, the frigid temperature ravaged their exposed wet genitals. So, in his only gentlemanly move, Crispin procured a tube of chapstick that they proceeded to split between Crispin’s dong and Ana’s lower lips. Knowing there was no romantic future with Crispin, Ana composed herself before leaving. “Maybe we can go out sometime, and I can give you sled head,” Ana said with little certainty that she would ever see this elusive man again except from a distance, while other, innocent Inuit girls longed for him as she once had.
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The
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10.) You’re Ready to Go Streaking: Doesn’t matter if you’re celebrating the end of finals, a Spartan victory in March Madness, or just your young cousin’s Bar Mitzvah, you’re not going to miss out on the festivities because you tripped while trying to get your pants off. 9.) You Don’t Have to Fumble with Belts or Waistbands: Whether you’re trying to effectively poop or effectively masturbate, you’ll be ready for immediate action when inspiration strikes. 8.) You Can Demonstrate Self-Confidence: It doesn’t matter how oddly shaped, inappropriately sized, hairy, or rash-filled your body parts are. No, as long as you strut your stuff like the paragon of beauty you are, your audience will be in awe. 7.) You Never Have to Call “Seat-Check” or “Fives”: Do you ever see the guy sitting on the floor rushing to claim the leather recliner after a naked person just unstuck themselves from it to grab another beer? Yeah, didn’t think so.
point/counterpoint:
hit the gym or embrace the chub? Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this Well, it’s that time of the year again, and you’ve already resolved to stop being such a fatass. You may have thought there was a black hole in your stomach each time you reached for more ham to top your pie, but those jeans you needed half an hour and a jar of Vaseline to squeeze into beg to differ. So you avoid making eye contact with that unsightly paunch and decide to hit the gym. But hold up there, Richard Simmons. Ask yourself: is it worth it? Better yet, let’s ask the culprits in question: Gym: Working out builds self-confidence; pumping iron, working up your man-musk and winking at sassy ladies as you pretend not to struggle with that twenty-pound barbell. By the time you’re finished Arnold-ing it up, you feel ready to wrestle a coked-up mountain lion as you walk past all those slobs murdering each other in Call of Duty. Couch: Ever notice that those slobs playing video games don’t give a shit how many camels you can bench if you haven’t gotten past Third Prestige? Some serious shit came out this winter, so whether you like mowing down grunts in Halo 4, pwning noobs in Black Ops II, or killing redcoats for ‘Merica in Assassins’s Creed III, you have to agree that maybe that 360 is calling a little louder than the gym. Gym: Working out makes you a lean, mean, fighting and fucking machine. Guys, you want to be one of those tools who model for Abercrombie, right? Ladies, you know you dream of turning those love handles into a body that is harder than Jerry Sandusky at a Little League game. Couch: Let’s talk sense. That Abercrombie guy is no more real than that revolting assemblage of fake needles and twisted metal that you called a Christmas tree, and you have a better
chance of seducing the dean than getting those washboard abs. Gym: Healthy, athletic people generally live longer. Working off that third slice of pecan pie means you can look forward to lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, and a closet full of filthy, sweat-soaked t-shirts. Couch: “Generally” is the key word there. Sure, assuming our fragile, little society sticks around, all those health nuts can keep singing zip-adee-doo-da while they pretend to enjoy protein shakes. But on the off chance that you get stuck in an elevator, a deserted island, or room full of James Madison students, the athletes are going to be the first to whither away and die while you sit comfortably watching those vast reserves of mashed potatoes and Christmas cookies in your waistline melt away!
6.) You Have No Risk of Staining Clothes: You know when you have a fancy new shirt and have to take it off before eating dinner because you don’t want to spill anything on it? Exactly, no shirt, no shoes, no stains. 5.) You’ll Have Help Identify Moles: No joke, moles don’t care who you are; they’ll pop up and start to cause problems. However, if you’re perpetually naked, then everyone you come in (mutually appreciative, non-literal) contact with becomes a full-body spotter for hairy, blind rodents, communist spies, and potential indicators of skin cancer. 4.) You Can Showcase Your Tattoos, Scars, or Birthmarks: If your friends never saw you naked how would they know you have a birthmark that bears a striking resemblance to Count Chocula on your left butt check? 3.) People Won’t Want to Fight You: Say you mouth off to someone’s girlfriend to the tune of, oh, something like, “Thin-lipped hookers like you shouldn’t even dress that trashy,” and now her boo wants to smash your face hole in. Now, if you’re naked, he’ll still want to fight you, but he won’t throw a punch because he doesn’t want to risk being hit with an errant scrote. 2.) People Will Pay Attention to You: Have you even been at a party where no one noticed the naked person, like he or she was just your new haircut? Nope, it’s always eyes on the naked guy. Nude up and be the go-to attention whore of any social event.
Gym: Buff, attractive people get laid all the time. There’s a reason the Shake Weight exists, and it’s because when you have the biceps of a Grecian god you’ll have more pussy thrown at you than the Humane Society. Drink up on Muscle Milk and the ladies will be clamoring for your man milk. Couch: Voltaire said, “Give me ten minutes to talk away my ugly face, and I’ll bed the queen of France.” Probably the only memorable thing the smelly Frenchman ever said, yet, it holds true today. And if you’re less of a silver-tongued devil and more of a dorm goblin who speaks through grunts and bowel movements, there’s always trusty Jimmy Bean to compensate. In the end, we're sure there are good and totally not made up reasons for whatever you end up doing with your newfound, unsightly body this year. Here’s hoping you listen to your gut, or don’t and hit the gym.
1.) You’re Prepared for Sex: Well, you still need to find a consenting party (unless you’re not into consent) and get the proverbial juicy juices flowing. But, other than that, you are totally ready to get your meat tickled at the drop of a hat.
justin wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is your biggest regret of 2012? "Forgetting to wipe on New Year’s." - Chaz K., Junior
"Not finding a girlfriend." - Ian K., Junior
"Fucking the wrong dude." - Laura F., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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a hard bit to swallow
Cody Manthei wrote this
It's the first day back to classes. A bright-eyed freshman walks down the isle of a packed ISS class. She’s hopeful and adventurous, this being her second semester, and, thus, a little more experienced at this “college” thing. She scans the rows and sees a boy slouched down in his seat, half awake. Reveling in her newly-found outgoing nature, she takes the seat next to him and begins her rambling. “Hi!” She says giddily. He only looks, nodding his head back as if to say, “What up?” or something equally as bro-y. “I’m Megan.” She extends her hand.
page. “I love this place. I don’t think anything could change that.” “What makes this school so good for you?” “Well, the first thing that comes to mind is the friends I’ve met.” “Yeah that’s great and all, but let me tell you: Next year, or perhaps the year after that, you guys will move in together, then, by the end of a twelve month lease, you’ll hate each other’s guts and wish terrible things on them.” Taken aback, Megan shakes her head reluctantly. “What about classes?” “What about them?” Scott asks. “What’s your major?”
“Scott.” He completes the handshake. “Isn’t this exciting?” She begins to unpack her bag, the contents including a spiral-bound three-subject notebook, G-2 pens, and an almost-ripe banana. “What do you mean?” Scott sits up in his chair. “I mean the new semester. We have a new opportunity to learn and meet new friends!” “Are you a freshman?”
“Advertising.” She smiles. Scott lets out a laugh. A good hearty laugh, like Fran Drescher. “Yep, you’ll find a job for sure; you and the twelve-thousand other students here with the same dream as yours. Most likely, you’ll end up teaching some scrapbooking class at the local learning annex.”
Megan, heart broken and flustered, slips down in her chair. “I’ve wasted my time,” she says to herself. “You certainly have, my little friend.”
“No I won’t. I love my major! It’s really fun.” “I’m sure it is.” He slinks back down in his chair. The two sit in silence for a moment. Megan begins to process what he said, taking a look at her life and the choices she's made.
She nods her head.
too much for a degree that won’t give you shit. Go to a goddamned trade school. At least then you can feel okay about having a drinking problem. Not to mention, you’ll actually get a job.”
Scott reaches down in his bag to grab the only object in there. He retrieves his flask and hands it to Megan. “Here, you can have some of this.” “What is it?”
“Yeah, I thought so.” He turns slightly in his chair. “Listen, I’ve been in this godforsaken place almost five years now and I can tell you that things only get worse. As time goes by you realize how utterly meaningless you actually are at this university. Pretty soon, you’re fighting premature alcoholism while trying to maintain a 2.5 GPA.”
She looks at Scott, “Do you really think I won’t get a job?
“Your newest friend, Evan Williams.”
Scott doesn’t move, “Want to know what I think?”
She takes a swig as the professor booms in to the room with a robust, “Good morning, students!”
“I don’t seem to understand.” She opens her notebook to a fresh, white
“Drop out.” He pauses to let his bomb hit. “I’m serious. You’re paying
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$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
TUES, 1/15
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
WED, 1/16
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
START 2013 OFF RIGHT! REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE -SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY
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THURSDAY: Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis
Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Specials Run 7 Days A Week Open-Close! Go Green!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 1/9
Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-cl
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 1/10
Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 1/11
Martini Night 6-cl Free Taco Bar, $3 Bud Lt & Labatt NEW $6 Martinis $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-c
Come try our Green Meanie!
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
SAT, 1/12
Book your Barcrawl @ 248.860.7362
$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 1/13
Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 1/14
NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 1/15
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 1/16
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
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The Bar Grid
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week Kevin and Alex pt o'malleys Majors: Hospitality Management; soon to be Educational
Ever participated in a threesome: … No; he’s used both hands once
Age: 23; 20
Favorite “walks in a bar” joke? [In unison] “A man walks into a bar and now he’s an alcoholic.”
Year: Super senior; dropout Nickname: King Ralphy III; Al Pal Relationship status: Both single ladies, holla! Favorite shot: Not Rumple Minze; gin Bartending pet peeve: Cooking while hungover; #kimrosen New Year’s resolution: Not be a ginger; he doesn’t believe in that crap
Personal theme song: “Mercy” by Kanye West; “Powderpuff Girls Theme” Worst pick-up line: A girl stomped on his foot and gave him her number; How about that time you went to that girl’s dorm with no shoes on? Boxers or briefs? Boxer briefs; boxers Hangover cure: Conrad’s; bacon pancakes.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Aww snap, girl, you ready for this game? Can you handle the pressure? Will your drunk ass remember what to do? Don’t worry, this simple game will get you simply drunk. Nothing to complain about right here.
Sometimes it’s late and you don’t know what you want eat. You just want everything: every flavor, every texture, and every carb. So indulge in your deepest desires and start your New Year’s resolution, uh, next week, or something. It’ll always be there.
Oh, Snap!
Number of Players: At least four, and the more the merrier. What You Need: Beer, cards, agility. Intoxication Level: You’ll start naturally speaking ebonics. How to Play: - Designate one person as the dealer. Since the dealer has a disadvantage, the dealer does not have to play during their deal. - All other players keep their “snap hand” behind their back. - The dealer begins by placing cards face up, in a stack, and calls out the number on each turn. - When two cards of the same number come up in a row, the first person to bring their hand down on top of the pile gives out one drink for each number on the card. - The round ends when the dealer runs out of cards, and a new dealer is chosen. - You can add variety to the game by adding other “snaps,” like when face cards of the same suit come up, or when cards in ascending or descending order come up. The Game Ends When: Everyone’s hands are too bruised to open another beer.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Barbecue Nachos
What You’ll Need: Tortilla chips, barbecue sauce, and shredded cheese. You can also add lettuce, tomatoes, olives, jalapenos, avocado, pretty much any kind of meat, extra cheese, and green onions. If you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ‘em. Cook Time: About five minutes, ten if you need to cut up anything. Fatty Factor: Like you really care. Let’s Get Baked: - Put tortilla chips of a microwave-safe plate, enough to cover the bottom and then some. - Spoon on a few tablespoons worth of barbecue sauce. - Sprinkle on cheese and any other toppings you may have. Sprinkle on more cheese just because. - Microwave the plate until cheese is just about melted, about two or three minutes. - Dip in extra barbecue sauce if you’re sexy feeling that way. If you thought this was great late in the night, try making this again sober while you’re watching football on Sunday. Barbecue pulled-pork is an ideal addition, but we understand that anything that can’t be microwaved may be difficult for a college student to prepare, so call mom and make her bring it to you.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
This Is The End 2013 sees four well-liked series draw to a close. Though these shows will live on in syndication for years to come, the series finale of each promises to bring finality to the lives of these imaginary people. Of course, the conclusion of one’s life isn’t always glorious; oftentimes man goes out the way he came in to the world; kicking, screaming and covered in bodily fluids. What happens if these series see ungraceful endings? By: brendan and quinn
30 rock
In the cold intro the cast and crew of TGS mill around waiting for Liz Lemon to assume control of her show. Instead, the recently-married head writer appears with authoritarian figure in arms Jack Donaghy. Beaming, Lemon makes an announcement, telling the staff that she’s “Preggers and out of here, nerds!” before abruptly quitting. Tracy and Jenna pass on taking creative control of the show, noting that their antics would fall by the wayside if they were to take on any modicum of responsibility. Pete Hornberger also passes, his love of alcohol and pornography would eventually seep too deeply into the show's subject matter. Frank assumes control temporarily, but is forced to cede power after Jack bursts into Frank’s office to berate him into compliance, only to find him high on opium. This leaves the show in
breaking bad
When Scott arrives in the office Jim stares at the camera for ten seconds in amazement before tearing up — he understands that this is the last time he’ll knowingly glance at a camera. Michael is appalled to see Andy as the Regional Manager, and he demands that Andy not use his chair. Andy insists the chair is his, but Michael notes, “It’s the same color, size and smell” of his former chair. The office all votes with Michael, and
Andy is forced to sit on a bucket for the rest of the episode. Realizing it may be the last time he ever sees Michael, Dwight finally expresses his undying love for Michael, who rebukes Dwight because “even if [Michael] was gay, [he] could do way better than Dwight, like James Spader, or something.” Insistent, Dwight tells Michael of his master plan, that the duo will retire to a quiet life on the Schrute family farm, where they can open a gay bed and breakfast called Masterbeeters. This uncomfortable confrontation forces Michael to return to New York City without his baby back ribs. The show ends with Andy wheeling his chair back in front of his desk noting it’s “Just another day in the office.”
Walt pulls into his driveway after offing Gus Fring, but he collapses on the walk inside. Skyler, peering out the window anxiously waiting for Walt to arrive home, leaves him to die on his walkway, happy to rid herself of a man she loathed. Cut to Walt miraculously waking up in his hospital bed, four strange young men and a woman he vaguely recognizes standing over his bedridden body. Slowly the memories begin to trickle back. Images from years past pang against his conscience. Four lovely boys. An overbearing wife for whom he deeply cares. The drip quickly swells to a flood, washing over him now are the years of anguish he’s felt over his children’s constant troublemaking, his wife’s insistence on being the head of the household, the menial white-collar cubicle job. He realizes everything from the drugs to the cancer to the criminal empire—it’s all just fantasy.
Harrison. That’s right, Dexter’s five year old son. Left in a pool of his mother’s blood, his own dark passenger leads him to stalk LaGuerta down and shoot her in cold blood. As Deb was babysitting Harrison she had no choice but to take him with her to find LaGuerta. Harrison stole her phone and gun, crawled to the shipping container, probably said “Fuck yo Latina ass” and shot LaGuerta – his dark passenger
Months later Hal is still rehabilitating comfortably in his vanilla suburban house, surrounded by the same four brats—the middle one named Malcolm-- and nagging wife that led him to swallow a bottle of Ambien in the first place. Working with a psychotherapist Hal slowly learns the meaning behind his coma visions; the drug trade provided Hal a means of living a dangerous profession, Skyler is the obedient wife Hal’s always wanted to have, Jesse, the malcontent younger son who actually made him money, the lung cancer manifest the years Hal spent smoking before having children. As Hal wheels himself to a window overlooking his front lawn he puts a meth pipe to his lips, lights a butane torch, inhales deeply, closes his eyes and tries to slip back into a dreamland he desperately misses.
knowing she was a threat to his father. In the meantime, Dexter runs a truck into the prison to break Hannah out, and the two fly to Argentina where they happily kill whoever they want. Harrison can’t be put in jail because he is five, so Deb takes care of him until he turns 18. By now Dexter is just a fleeting memory for all the other members of Miami Metro. Except Harrison, who tracks Dexter down with the help of Deb. Deb, Dexter, Harrison and Hannah then start their own vigilante murder team, eventually climbing the ranks of the Argentinean government where Dexter becomes King of Argentina. And just for funsies, let’s say Deb discovers she’s not related to Dexter and those two have weird sex all the time.
dexter
Deb and Dexter need to frame someone for LaGuerta’s murder, but who can they frame? They could blame LaGuerta for going insane and trying to frame Dexter to the point she tries to kill him, leaving Deb to shoot her in self-defense – but that’s too easy and the evidence against Dexter being the Bay Harbor Butcher is too strong to ignore. They must find someone to take the fall…
Cut to fourteen years in the future inside a house on Long Island. Lemon — now unkempt and morbidly obese — is wolfing down ice cream while watching re-runs of reality TV hit Space Pawn; a new show that sees pawn brokers on the moon trade oxygen for a person’s goods at an unfavorable rate. The phone rings, it’s Pete. He informs Liz that Jack has died. Liz realizes that she always truly loved Jack, and missed out on a life of glamour trying to live a life of strength and independence. Realizing she’s now a fat housewife watching bad TV and raising kids in suburbia, the screen fades out to a woman coming to terms that she’s become everything she’s always hated.
the office
Michael and his now-wife Holly are vacationing in New York City when Michael remembered that Scranton has the best Chili’s on the planet. Choosing to make a day trip, Michael is disappointed when the Scranton Chili’s is out of baby back ribs until the delivery truck arrives in the late afternoon. To kill time he decides to stop by the Dunder Mifflin office to see what the old gang is up to.
the hands of the bumbling Lutz. Three weeks later, after four fires and a crocodile attack have ravaged the TGS set, the show is cancelled.
we interview:
nightlands
When he’s not working as the bassist for Philadelphia’s War on Drugs, David Hartley pumps out future pop work as a man of the dark in Nightlands. His most recent work, Oak Island, comes out on January 22nd. He was nice enough to talk to us about what it means to be a sci-fi guy trapped in a musician’s body. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: For Nightlands, much of your work is about dreams you’ve had, or your notion of what dreams are. How do you interpret dreams as music? Dave Hartley: The first record I made, it was literally influenced by dreams. Dreams really evaporate when you wake up, so I had a voice recorder by my bed. That directly led to a lot of lyrics and melodies. On Oak Island it’s more dreamy than really relating to my dreams. I like fantastic things—unrealistic sounds, dreamscapes and soundscapes. This music, it could be a soundtrack to a dream. TBS: How do you put these songs together? Dave: I really love recording. It’s like a game to me; I come at it with this childlike wonder. What I record doesn’t have to be amazing, I just try to do the most fun thing I can in the moment. I’m pretty manic in the way I record, I just have an insatiable desire to play with sound. TBS: So do you end up with a lot of unused stuff? Dave: I usually keep working with things until I’m happy. There are definitely songs that I may come back to, and there will be songs I like and that I finish that won’t fit on a record. TBS: When you look at your evolution as a musician can you look back and see how you got to where you are now? Dave: I haven’t listened to my first record in a long time, but last time I did, I was still pretty impressed with it. It was my first timid steps and Oak Island is just the next part of the journey. I always try to make pop music in a really strange way. I’m not where I want to be, but I like chasing the dragon. TBS: How much does the visual aesthetic play into what you do? Dave: I’m really into sci-fi, and it’s pretty apparent in my visuals. At the end of “300 Clouds” it’s this huge wash of vocals, and I wanted it to sound like a legion of angels coming down from heaven, shooting lasers out of their eyes. On another song I wanted it to sound like robots marching into the sunset. I’m a visual person, and I’ll look at things when making music to spark my imagination. TBS: Does that visual-to-audio thing happen immediately, or is it something you have to work through? Dave: Sometimes I know what I want it to sound like, and I’m just chasing down that sound. Most of the time it doesn’t turn out the way you’d expect, but it’s better than what you want, or it takes you to an interesting place. TBS: You mentioned earlier that you’re a sci-fi nut; what kind of sci-fi gets you going? Dave: I’m into hard sci-fi. Basically, it’s written by people with a comprehensive knowledge of science. Arthur C. Clarke is at the forefront of that genre. He’s a fucking genius, and when he was writing his novels it wasn’t just “This could happen!” Everything is so fantastic, but grounded in reality. It blows your mind if you really think about it. It’s not magic, it’s science. TBS: Working out of Philadelphia, how would you describe the music scene there? Dave: I think it’s a vibrant musical community with less of an emphasis on “making it,” whatever that means now. There’s a huge body of people searching for musical fulfillment. Philly has way more than L.A., with its success-driven scene, or New York, with a lack of identity because of the transplants.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
Zero dark thirty In Theaters January 11th From the duo who brought you The Hurt Locker comes the true story of ‘Merica’s search to catch super-bad arch-villain Osama bin Laden. Framed through the eyes of a CIA agent who will stop at nothing to get her man (in a totally unsexy way), this film allegedly obtained classified materials that got the GOP all rattled, which just adds intrigue to the already compelling story.
$ellebrity In select Theaters January 11th Renown photographer Kevin Mazur tells the tale of overbearing paparazzi from the side of the stars themselves. The likes of Kid Rock, Jennifer Lopez and other intruded-on celebs give interviews exploring the violation one feels when a member of the press climbs the wall of your house to snap a photo. On the other side of the coin, without the tabloids and increasingly unreliable news outlets, they would be nobodies… which may be a good thing.
Girls sunday, january 13th at 9pm on hbo In the Season 2 premiere of Lena Dunham’s diary-turned-somewhatrelatable-drama about 20-something girls living in Brooklyn, Hannah (Dunham) throws a housewarming party with her new roommate / newly out-of-the-closet ex-boyfriend Elijah. Meanwhile, Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) gets weird around weird Ray, the taker of her virginity. Oy vey.
page 15
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
New Year’s Resolutions (You Won’t Keep): Spartan Edition Zoë Kremke wrote this Resolution #1: Going to Class It’s a new year, a new semester, and the smell of renewed determination fills the air of East Lansing. So, of course you think you can handle going to every one of your 8 a.m.’s. It makes sense, you’re well rested from break and you’re feeling pretty fly. No matter how boring your econ class is, you’ve got it on lock, right? Wrong. Why It’s Not Happening: The econ class is more boring than you think it is. Sleep deprivation will set in after week two of coming back to school. Let’s all be honest with ourselves and just admit to defeat early on in the game, so that we can start stocking up our sleep-reserves for those all-nighters we’ll be pulling later on in the semester. Resolution #2: Hooking Up With That One Girl/Guy There’s always that one person you’ve been pining after all this time…well, maybe not so much pining after as undressing with your eyes when nobody’s paying attention. With the turn of the year, you’ve decided your time has finally come. But, sadly, you are incorrect.
pudge. And, after all, drinking as much as you do can’t be healthy. Drinking less would mean actually being able to remember your Saturday nights come Sunday morning; it would mean a better GPA and a brighter future. It’s time to be an adult and give up on your keg stand days. Fat chance, tubby! Why It’s Not Happening: Your friends here at The Black Sheep are ordering you to stop this nonsense immediately. This resolution goes against everything good in the world. Drink less? Ha. Where’s the fun in that? Get over yourself, grab a cup of whatever alcohol you can find, and drink up. Just keep drinking until the “logic” you’ve founded this resolution on slips away. Resolution #4: Hitting the Gym What’s not to love about this idea? Endorphins, checking out your in-shape counterparts while you elliptical away an hour of your day, and actually looking good in your swimsuit come spring break. You'd think this has to be a win-win, but you’d be wrong.
Why It’s Not Happening: They’re way out of your league, idiot! The mere fact that you haven’t gotten up the nerve to get your rocks off just yet is saying something. Whether you’re a massive member of the geek squad, just a socially awkward nobody chasing a super model, or just a horribly unlovable creep, it’s time to reality check and move on.
Why It’s Not Happening: Stop! Wait! Before you blow your cash on that gym pass, hear us out. Are you really going to have time for that? The answer is, inevitably, yes. Next question: Are you really going to go? The answer is, inevitably, no. Sweating for several hours a week on some torture mechanism is the dictionary definition of hell. Do yourself a favor and pick up a bag of Doritos, look in the mirror, and repeat after us, “I love me just the way I am.” The sooner you accept this to be true, the fatter you can let yourself be.
Resolution #3: You’re Going to Drink Less Your waistline is starting to show a little bit of beer-related
Resolution #5: Score a Sweet Internship It can’t be that difficult. You’ll head to your advisor, sweet talk
a few profs, and navigate this venture from there. Padding your resume couldn’t be simpler, and you’ll feel like a badass for being so ahead of your peers. Why It’s Not Happening: You just used the word “peers.” Snap out of it. You like to spend your weeknights in your drawstring sweatpants watching old Breaking Bad reruns with ice cream. Do you want that to go away? No, no you don’t. You deserve some you-time. Plus, who really wants to get on a professor’s good side? That shit takes work. Just settle back into your routine of sleeping, eating, and scraping by in your classes. There’s plenty of time for resume padding eventually, friends. Happy New Year, Spartans! We at The Black Sheep wish you a 2013 filled with alcohol, frivolity, and an abundance of fried cheese.
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