Michigan State - Issue 1 - 1/9/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

f comree... ing like fro the m n sm ex t ells doo r.

Vol. 10, Issue 1

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

1/9/14 - 1/16/14

surviving

the winter trek to class BY: Molly buford It’s wintertime here in East Lansing, which means it’s time for that dreaded winter walk to class. The sidewalks are icy; the snow is blowing sideways, upways, and swirlways. It’s a freaking Dr. Seuss nightmare of misery, and you’re freezing cold by the time you walk into your 9:10 class after your two-mile stroll in what felt like Antarctica. However, here at The Black Sheep, we’ve compiled a list of travel options and ideas for attire that will get you to class in one piece and keep you warm. Now, who’s going to say that’s not a winning combo? A sled pulled by highly trained sled dogs: Besides being adorable, a team of sled dogs will get you to class with comfort and speed. Just picture yourself, bundled up on a sled while a team of huskies pulls you down Farm Lane. Plus, boys, you could probably pick up some ladies while you’re at it. Who doesn’t love a group of fluffy huskies? Cold-hearted gremlins, that’s who! Don’t ask us what to do when twelve huskies leave a literal pile of shit outside the Union, we’re just the idea people here. Snowshoes: Put the frilly, fringe covered “Native American” boots away, girls, because a Michigan winter is a crazed, vengeful bitch. And she means serious business. A good pair of snowshoes will get you to class without the risk of you wiping out. No, tennis rackets don’t work. Don’t even try that shit, we know from experience. Mr. Plow: If a team of sled dogs is too old school, then this is the option for you! Simply commandeer a snowplow — not only will you be doing the public of East Lansing a favor, you’ll be getting to class in ample time and with a sense of authority only ELPD could envy. And, let’s be real, who doesn’t want to roll to class high on the power trip that is a snowplow. An ELPD horse: Speaking of the ELPD, maybe they would be kind enough to lend you one of their fine equines for your ex-

pedition to Erickson, especially after you gave them that “legitimate” tip for the identity of the “Burn the Couch” sign guy. Since they couldn’t give you $20,000, the least they can do now is give you a horse. Sounds fair to us. Your feet (you wimp), a snowsuit, and ski goggles: Even though you probably haven’t sported a snowsuit since first grade, it will keep you warm on your way to class, when you inevitably give up and fall back to sleep in a snow drift. Complete the look with a pair of ski goggles; you’ll look crazy, but at least now you can see through the ice flurry that’s happening all around you. Winter in EL is a judgment-free zone.

page 6

page 7

breaking news: area woman keeps resolution to bathe in sausage grease

Spring semester safety guide

well, we think it was sausage grease?

A beer blanket: Substitute the milk in your cereal for some beer and you’ll be set and maybe even excited for class! We recommend regular Cheerios or Frosted Flakes. They absorb the carbonated goodness nicely, and soon enough you’ll be so deep in debilitating alcoholism walking to class, or even going outside, will be a thing of the past! As easy as it is to say “It’s zero degrees outside, and an oven of orgasmic warmth in my bed; I think I’ll choose the latter,” it’s very important to get to class, even in the winter. That being said, if the university can’t provide everyone with sled dogs, what do they expect? For us to risk bodily harm for an intro-level class? No thanks, we’ll play catch up in the spring.

There are dark forces at work this semester, and we are here to help.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

page 12

Interview: Mary Lambert We chat with the “Same Love” singer, you know, the song that’s been stuck in your head for months.

THE THE

RIGHT CHOICE. RIGHT CHOICE. GHTCHOICE.

Everything you need with everything you want and a few extra surprises—ALL RIGHT HERE. Everything you need with everything you want and a few extra surprises—ALL RIGHT HERE.

• Individual Leases Community-Wide Picnic &surprises—ALL Grilling Area •RIGHT Courtesy HERE. Patrol g you need withLeases everything ••you want and WiFi a few• extra • Individual Community-Wide WiFi • Picnic & Grilling Area • Courtesy Patrol

• Fully Furnished • DirectTV w/HBO •• Fully Furnished w/HBO Washer & Dryer •• DirectTV Close to Campus Leases• Private • Community-Wide • Picnic Private Washer & Dryer • CloseWiFi to Campus

shed asher & Dryer

• Computer Lab • Fitness Center •• Computer Lab •• Fitness Center Conference/Study Room FREE Tanning &• Grilling Area Room • Courtesy Patrol Conference/Study • FREE Tanning

• DirectTV w/HBO • Computer Lab • Close to Campuswww.LiveCampusVillage.com • Conference/Study Room www.LiveCampusVillage.com

• Fitness Center • FREE Tanning

www.LiveCampusVillage.com

atMSU M@CVatMSU | 1151 Michigan Ave | East Lansing, MI 48823 | 517.337.1700

#goodtimes Guess the mascot

here’s our twitter, so tweet us, maybe?

@BlackSHeep_msu

Word, man Coldfrontin’ The instance in which a man or woman pretends not to be cold when they very evidently are.

“Bill’s coldfrontin’ every damn day when he walks to class in shorts. What’s he trying to prove, anyway?”

how well do you know

your memes?

Do you know the name of this famous meme? tweet us @Black_sheep_WMUU. first right answer wins a prize!

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_MSU • First right answer wins a prize! Check back for this week’s answer

stache slueth can you identify the mysterious man with the sweet ‘stache? tweet us @BLACKSHEEP_MSU first right answer wins a prize!

check back for this week’s mustache

Check back for this week’s answer

Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets What’s your new year’s resolution?

o m o re Chris, Soph

“Get good grades, and no MIPs.”

p h o m o re Stefanie, So

“I resolve to never again sign up for an 8am.”

ior Audrey, Jun

“To eat more Nutella.”

The

Top

Ten

Resolutions, and How You Already Broke Them By: Sam metry

A Letter of Thanks By: Zoë Kremke Dear Spartan Nation, There’s a time and a place for everything. The Black Sheep is usually all about jokes and doing things for shiggles. But, like most everyone else who proudly bears the title “Spartan,” we understand that this football season needs to be recognized and respected. We are excited and honored to be a part of this incredible community as they rise victorious from the ashes of people who didn’t believe it was possible; and we wanted to take this moment to say thanks to the people who made it possible. Mark Dantonio is one hell of a guy. The way he remained icy calm this whole season, never letting the goal of sweet, rose-scented victory leave his sights was miraculous. He believed in his team, and he believed in what it means to be a Spartan. The Rose Bowl wasn’t a faraway dream for him, it was a bar that he set at the beginning of the season, and there’s nothing cooler than a man who has that kind of confidence. He’s a first-rate football coach, and even that doesn’t feel like a big enough compliment to pay him. When asked if he had an agent earlier this season, Dantonio said, with eyes of blue steel, to “Ask my wife.” It’s this kind of heart-warming loyalty that puts Dantonio above everyone else. It highlights his impeccable character and his constant looking forward, moving forward attitude. We can honestly say that Mark Dantonio is one of our heroes who deservedly hit the big time this year, and we couldn’t be more proud of him. “Thank you “doesn’t feel like it could ever be enough to give our coach who stands tall among mere mortals, but we’ll say it anyways: Thanks, Dantonio. You have us feeling some type of way. We would also like to take a hot second to thank all of the “experts” who never believed we could. After enduring endless heat from nearly everyone on the B1G 10 Network this season, we hate to say we told you so. And, since we’re better than being petty and whiny, we’ll go ahead and thank you, too. It was the way that you didn’t believe in us, the way you put us down at every turn despite our each and every win, that fueled the fires of awesomeness in our souls. We as Spartans only have one thing to say to you, now that all is said and done, and that is—Spartans Will. We’d like to thank our amazing Spartan Dawg football team. It was a pleasure to watch our defense crush the opposition at every available opportunity, and we’ll even go ahead and admit that we screamed like Daphne on Scooby Doo after every win, and we cried during our one (count ‘em—ONE) loss. And like, it was Notre Dame, so…yeah. While you guys were dancing in the locker room, we were grooving right along with you in our sweatpants at home. You guys rock, and each of you are delightfully attractive, funny, and intelligent. If there is any other way to pay you a compliment, please insert it here, because you have earned it. Seriously, insert it here *wink*. Last but not least, we’d like to thank you, Spartan Nation, of which we are so proud to be part of. It was our support that, in the end, lifted our team to victory. The heat of the couch fires sparked a kind of animal drive within our football team. Well, maybe it wasn’t the couch fires, but the enthusiasm was certainly inspiring. As Spartans, we win together and we lose together. So, Spartan Nation, thank you for winning with us this January 1st in Pasadena. Love and cuddles, The Black Sheep

2014 has officially settled upon East Lansing, and we’ve all made New Year’s Resolutions. Hell—er— heck, even we here at The Black Sheep have decided to try and better ourselves. But, let’s all be honest, we’re all going to wake up at some point in February, look out the window and see 4 inches of snow and say to ourselves “I’m not working out today.” So, here is how you’re going to break the top ten most popular New Year’s Resolutions, if you haven’t done so already. 10.) Visit Friends at Different Schools: This is always the half-hearted promise you give your friends over Christmas break that you totally meant at the time, but then you got back to East Lansing and realized you have no intention of visiting them, what with how much better E.L. is than any place on earth. If your friends were worth talking to, they would visit you. 9.) Read More: Congratulations! You can check this off your list because you picked up a copy The Black Sheep! Looks like you finally amounted to something, big fella. Just keep reading this for the rest of the semester and you’re good to go. 8.) Get Organized: Whether you’re in a dorm, apartment, or house, you don’t live in a clean environment. It’s not your fault, we get it, and all of us have better things to do with our time than clean. But this semester is different, you’re going to make time to keep it all clean. Until that entire pitcher of beer spills and your ex-girlfriend’s cat pukes in the corner right when you’re like, writing a paper and behind on reading and hungover. Well, you tried. 7.) Save Money: So, you finally checked your bank statement when you got home for the break. Fewer digits than you thought, huh? Maybe it’s time to head back to The Riv instead of going to Hopcat every night…Until those Goddamn Crack Fries start calling your name while you sleep, then it’s game over. 6.) Volunteer: Might as well just tell people you’re going to volunteer instead of actually doing it. Everyone knows you’re not going to do it, but you can still muster a little bit of fulfillment by merely mouthing the words. Don’t kid yourself with this one, you need to work on you before you work on others. 5.) Balance School and Your Personal Life: Look Mom, we aren’t happy about the 1.73 either, but you have to remember, “It’s not the grades you make, but the hands you shake.” Keep telling yourself that every morning in front of the mirror, immediately before you go back to bed before your 8 a.m. 4.) Quit Smoking: This one probably wasn’t even your choice as a resolution. 99.69% of people who choose to quit smoking in the New Year are doing so because their significant other is withholding sex if they don’t. So as soon as you realize that there is always a hotter guy/girl, especially in East Lansing, you’ll take off that stupid patch and suck down that nicotine. 3.) Learn Something New: We’ve learned how to feel some type of way thanks to Mark Dantonio, and the Rose Bowl win. And if you already knew what some type of way feels like, well, we commend you on knowing what if feels like to get an erection for completely non-sexual reasons, like pride, excitement, and Coach D’s icy blue gaze… 2.) Drink Less: This one falls in line with volunteering. It feels good to say, and maybe you even mean it. But don’t kid yourself, you’ll realize you can drink less when you’re 28, bald, and taking care of your friend’s shitty cat. 1.) Exercise More: Every Spartan is perfect. We don’t need to lose weight or get in better shape like the cows in Ann Arbor or Colombus, but if some of our brethren want to get in better shape and somehow look even better than they do now, The Black Sheep salutes you and wishes you well… but it won’t last. You’re going to look in the mirror one day and ask yourself, “Why mess with perfection?” Then you’ll join the rest of us at Chipotle.

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Breaking News: Area Woman Reports Keeping Her New Year Resolution

to Bathe in Sausage Grease By: Bob Rodriguez

EAST LANSING—Recent reports from college students living in the Albert Avenue student “ghetto” indicate that an East Lansing woman has kept her promise to only bathe in sausage grease for two weeks straight. Apparently the woman, who prefers to remain anonymous, got the idea one night after attending a family party and during which she stress ate 47 ounces of uncooked chorizo. We tracked her down, and she reluctantly agreed to an interview. “I had massive diarrhea for a week straight after my binge. I knew I had to do something so I could be closer to the pork product I love so dearly, despite the burning fury that was exploding out of my anus.” She took a break to catch her breath and swat at flies that had been swarming around her most prominent dreadlock. “I decided from then on I would become one with sausage. I went straight to Kroger on New Year’s Day and bought 80 pounds of sausage and a chest freezer. The cashier was visibly confused, so I explained as rationally as possible that I planned to become one with the meat.” The area woman, who appeared greasy and porked-out during the interview, explained that not everyone seemed to understand her goal, and on several occasions has mistaken for a homeless person, given her grimy appearance, general lack of fashion sense, and, oh yeah, being covered in meat grease. The area woman seemed to indicate that sausage was in fact much better than love, since all the men and their sausages she’d ever come in contact with had let her down. According to the area woman, there was Randy

with the Polish kielbasa, Johnson with the stadium brat, and Tiny with the miniature smoky link; none of which could fulfill her desires. She then went into more graphic detail about juicy sausages in her stale bun. We immediately regretted asking. Sources indicate that the area woman was seen on January 1st near an apartment complex on Gunson swallowing pounds of what appeared to be blood sausage then belching continuously for an hour and a half. One informant told us she resembled an, “oily Jennifer Hudson pre-Weight Watchers.” Another source characterized the area woman as reminiscent of a Tolkien character. However, Several local Lord of the Rings geeks have confirmed that it’s probably Gimli. After our interview was complete, our reporter questioned the mental health of the area woman, and also if she actually was, in fact, homeless. Given the fact we found her loitering guitar-less in the hamster cage, we suspect that her tales might be the rants of an old schizophrenic. Regardless, her appearance and aroma suggested she had experienced a long separation from soap and water whether these were replaced with sausage grease and a loofa or not. One local bartender claimed she was just a crazy old bat who “went around and chopped off dicks.” If the area woman’s claims are true, then we are proud of the acne-ridden hero and her out-of-the-box, albeit successful, New Year’s Resolution. Soon more facts are sure to come to light and must be uncovered before we can be certain. For now, much like the end of Life of Pi, we’ll choose the cheery ending that doesn’t involve potential cannibalism.

download our free iphone and android app

Spring Semester Safety Guide By: Thomas White Like most of you, we also wake up every single morning, look up to the unmerciful heavens above and scream, “Why God, WHY?!” at the top of our lungs, terrified and indignant about having to yet again face the daily terror gauntlet that is life in East Lansing. Talk about stress city, yowzers! As the spring semester begins and the population of EL climbs above 14 people again, the dangers only increase. It’s time to wipe the hot, angry morning tears that are streaming down your longsuffering faces, and reclaim your safety, friends. In this safety guide, The Black Sheep will be analyzing some of the more common threats you’ll face day to day, how to defend yourself, and in general, how to bring one righteous ruckus. First and foremost, you need to be careful of squirrels. These furry little communists are waiting for the moment you let your guard down so they can fall out of a tree and maul your face to death. Gruesome, we know. Squirrels are called “Midwest Drop Bears” for a reason, folks! There’s good news though, recent studies have shown that as bloodthirsty and foul tempered as squirrels are, they are highly susceptible to being

whipped by bicycle chains. Better news yet, there’s more bikes on campus than you can shake a chain-whipped squirrel at. Feel free to grab a chain off of any of the aforementioned bicycles. Braving campus without a length of well-oiled bicycle chain in hand is simply not a good idea. We’re sure you’re thinking, “Shucks what else can I do? Will bellowing horrific insults in a husky batman voice at any squirrel I see protect me?” Glad you’re catching on, dear reader. Just like sorority girls, squirrels are famously insecure, and even the slightest mention of their weight or their mangy facial hair will send them reeling. Also, be wary of anyone and everyone who’s wearing a coat. They are not to be trusted. What are they hiding under those coats? We sure as sand don’t know, and neither do you! That’s why you can’t take any chances, and need to treat anyone wearing more than long johns as a severe and immediate threat. Bicycle chains and verbal insults are just as effective here, but discretion is the better part of valor. There’s far too many of those coat-wearing psychopaths to whip or belittle. Constantly groveling for

mercy from anyone wearing a suspicious amount of clothes is your best shot. While we’re on the subject of things you shouldn’t trust, we should probably mention crabs. No, not the Guy Fieri kind you’re thinking of. Well, actually, that kind too. Avoid intercourse with co-op kids and steer clear of the waterways or their widely feared, murderous red claws will get you. Nobody wants to get his or her ass pinched by some unwelcome crustacean. And even though you’ve been “told” that crabs “don’t inhabit the Red Cedar” and that this tip is “totally bogus,” your sources are wrong. This brings us to the greatest threat any of you sexy Spartans might come into contact with this spring: the Dark Wizard Balthazar. It’s an all too common story these days… one minute Sammy Sophomore is strolling by Beaumont Tower, minding his business, when out of nowhere, Balthazar the Sullied channels the terrible power of his chrono-sword and appears in a cloud of sulfur. Sure, this isn’t Sammy’s first rodeo. He has his well-oiled bicycle chain and puts up a fight, but everyone knows that no weapon crafted by the hand of a mortal can harm Balthazar the Wicked. Wielding

the unforgiveable black magic of the ancient ones, East Lansing’s least favorite Eternal Sorcerer, Balthazar the Foul will invariably drag young Sammy away to the dread Castle Morgwron where his soul will be harvested. With friends like that who needs enemies, huh? Since the Dark Wizard Balthazar can obviously not be battled, your only recourse is to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you each and every

time you leave the house. You never know when all 7’4” of Balthazar will appear, ready to kidnap you and devour your soul. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. As a side note, try to sidestep Burnett’s drinkers whenever possible, you don’t want to get mixed up in those shenanigans. Good luck out there this spring, and pray to your God(s) that Balthazar does not choose you for the harvest.

Want the Best Shirt Ever? Snag one today, sales end 1/15 shirts@theblacksheeponline.com OR theblacksheep.myshopify.com

The Bar Grid

January 2010

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT Thur. 1/9 Fri. 1/10

Wednesday Daily Specials: Satisfaction Saturday! Monday 9pm-Close $2.50 - Pints Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls 6 $2.00 – Well Drinks

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events 20 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Free Cover! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes

Sun. 1/12

Ladies DJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $2 Coors Light, 21 22 23 Miller Lite, Labatt DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

9pm – Close Every Day ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

Sat. 1/11

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Friday (except: Saturday Everyday! Wed.)

31 of Guinness, 1 Harp, Smithwicks 2 $3 Pints DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) Bushmills, John Powers, 7 8 9 $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish NaDJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds chos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

$3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Thursday

29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

FRIDAY: $3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

LADIES NIGHT THURSDAY Live DJ & NO COVER $2.75 Skinnygirl Drinks $2.75 Washington Apples $2.75 Sex On The Beach

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

30 DJ Beats

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd D Donnie East Lansing MI 48823

TGI FRIDAY Live Music! $3.00 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Johnny Vegas and Jager Bombs

For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

$2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Go Green! Specials Run Monday-Sunday All Day & Night! Congratulations Spartans Rose Bowl Champs! $2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

TGI FRIDAY Live Muisic! $3.00 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Johnny Vegas and Jager Bombs

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

$3.50 All Flavored Vodka $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime $5 Spartan Bombs

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines

Closed.

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

Satisfaction Saturday! *Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! Live DJs All Night Long $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats

SATISFACTION SATURDAY LIVE DJ $2.50 Pints, $3.50 Calls

Harper’s Half Off Wednesday The Lowest Prices In East Lansing

$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

SUNDAY FUNDAY! $2 Pints and 1/2 Off Pizzas Open til 7 1/2 Off Adult Beverages & Pizzas - 7 til close

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

$12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

Mon. 1/13

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells

No Cover! $3 Burgers $2 Pints, $3 Long Islands, & $3 Washington Apples (7 til close)

Tues. 1/14

Book Harper’s & RUSH For Fundraisers, Meet and Greets, Barcrawls!

$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

$2.00 Taco Bar (All-You-Can-Eat) $2.75 Tequila $2.75 Margaritas $3.75 Pitchers

NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

Wed. 1/15

Like us on Facebook!

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

HALF-OFF WEDNESDAY JERRY SPRAGUE On Top Of The Bar DJ DONNIE D - On Stage 1/2 OFF almost EVERYTHING

Thur. 1/16

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt and Bud Light Drafts $3 Bud Light Platinums

Thirsty Girl Thursday! DJ LEE $3.50 You-Call-It $3.50 Scary Shots

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs $2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Winter Fashion Guide: The Do’s and Don’ts By: Halie Woody It’s that time of year again, the time where even the sluttiest of girls and the boldest of guys won’t show more than the skin surrounding their eyes when they leave the house that day. That’s right, it’s wintertime in Michigan, when the temperature doesn’t get very high, and neither do our spirits. The least you can do in these desperate times is not further depress your fellow students by committing wildly unfortunate fashion faux pas. Here are some tips and tricks to make sure you look hot this winter even when it’s…well…not hot.

ing on campus. They’re ugly and serve absolutely no purpose in the snow. Unless, of course, you’re kicking it WWI style, and are trying to get trench foot by the time you roll out of your 10:20. Instead, why don’t you try an actual snow boot, like some Timberlands that not only protect your feet in the snow but also make for great shoes to join the stomp team. Again, focus on keeping the options open.

Do - Flannels: Flannels are a big fat fuck yeah. They’re cheap, warm and can be worn by just about anyone in any way. You can button up to the top full on cholo style and start a gang, or grow a beard and pursue a side job as a lumberjack. You can be the next grungy wannabe Kurt Cobain, or rock the homeless chic look. The power of the flannel is endless. Don’t - Ugg Boots: Unless you’re 13, you should not be wearing these. Have some originality and break away from this middle school trend that nearly every sorority bimbo can be caught sport-

parka before you ever try to rock the faux fur ever again. We’re not even PETA supporters, and we’d still throw chicken blood all over this fashion faux pas monstrosity. In the words of the immortal Billy from School of Rock, “You’re tacky and I hate you.”

Do - Beanies: The perfect winter item for those who like to stay warm and don’t like to shower. It’s college; we’re all busy studying (partying) our asses off and can forget to squeeze in a shower. This is where beanies come into play. Just throw one over your greasy, beermatted rat’s nest, and nobody will have a clue how disgusting you really are.

Do - Beards: Bitches love beards. Nothing says “I am a man” more than growing a fierce, grizzly beard to keep your ugly face covered up and protected from the arctic winds. It’s similar to an animal growing its winter coat, but on your face. It also provides a place to store small snacks, because the long treks between classes can famish a guy. You simply can’t go wrong with a beard. A timeless winter trend that will turn any weirdo in a pussy magnet. And who doesn’t need more of that in their life?

Don’t - Fur Coats: For fuck’s sake, you aren’t Macklemore, nor will you ever be, so this is something that will never be OK. Lou Anna K. can’t even get away with this shit so what makes you think you can? Use your mother’s credit card and walk your happy ass down to MooseJaw and get a new Northface

Don’t - Pajama Pants: People who wear pajama pants out in public are truly the scum of the earth. It’s winter and many people just don’t give a shit about their appearance, but this is no excuse to ever leave your bedroom in pajama pants. If you want to move into a trailer park and run a meth lab this is a suitable uniform,

but as a college student representing MSU leave your fugly pajama pants behind the dorm hall walls. Get your shit together. Do - Leather Anything: The key to being a full-on badass is wearing leather. Cop a crispy leather jacket and some combat boots and you’re ready to make

winter your bitch. If you want to kick it up a notch, invest in some leather pants. Do yourself a favor, though, do some squats beforehand and your ass will look absolutely phenomenal sucked into them. Head on over to Rick’s on thirsty Thursday and you’re bound to pull in some dick. You can’t go wrong with cow skin.

WE’RE NOT SCARED TO LEAVE THE LIGHTS ON... Look sexy wherever life takes you!

Stay Tan!

Starting at $

19.95/month!

*$1 co-pay per visit

Voted #1 Tanning Salon at MSU!

Campus ¥ Hannah Plaza ¥ Eastwood ¥ Dewitt ¥ Charlotte ¥ Waverly ¥ Eaton Rapids

the wordsearch

Selfie Fail Hashtag Surveillance Drones Deficit Sequestration Emancipate Filibuster Nano Twerking Deadlock Franken Meme Stalemate TheCloud Phony Comet The Optic Pontifex

the top words of 2013

N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK

ETING | PROMO

APPLY ONLINE AT

G ! TIONS |

SALES

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Major: Political science Favorite Drink: Vodka Red Bull Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Jäger 2014 will be the year of...?: Moving up. What song lyric best captures you?: “I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day.” What’s your least favorite word?: Moist. Some bad high school memories. If you had to lose a limb, which one would it be and why?: Left hand, because I definitely need to walk, and I’m right handed.

Who’s he fastest draw in the west?: 50 Cent. Is capitalism a problem systemic in today’s culture, or in a postindustrialization world, should the delegation of labor be such that man is divided into classes, each different from the other socially, politically and economically?: No, I feel that all people should be equally given a chance in the work place and the world. What’s the next big paradigm shift in pornography?: I don’t know. What hasn’t been done? Yo, where da Radisson at?: That reminds me of downtown Grand Rapids. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s unique.

Corynne of Buffalo Wild Wings

Drinking Game

Recipe for disaster

Space Jam Drinking Game

Back-To-It Bacon Pancakes

Everybody get up, it’s time to slam (down some beers) now, we got a real jam (going down our throats, because in this situation jam is beer and you will drink some while watching this movie). What You’ll Need: A DVD (or VHS!) of this epic film and a few brews. Number of Players: However many people it takes to get Bill Murray to make a cameo. Level of Intoxication: You’re going to take this thing into overtime.

Now that mommy dearest isn’t around to make you breakfast, lunch, and dinner you’re free to spiral downward into a pit of gluttony that only a college student could dream of. Because of that: bacon pancakes.

How to Play: -Drink one when every non-Michael Jordan NBA player makes a cameo. -Drink one any time Wayne Knight (Newman) makes an appearance on screen. -Drink one each time a new Looney Toon makes an appearance. -Drink one when “retired” is uttered. -Drink two when any character breaks the fourth wall. -Drink two when any of Michael Jordan’s endorsements are mentioned in the movie. -Drink two anytime someone does something on the basketball court that is decidedly out of the realm of possibility. -Drink three the first instance of a pun or alliteration (Ex: Monstars or Moron Mountain) is used. - Drink three when characters drink MJ’s secret stuff. The Game Ends When: Those evil Monstars leave the court in shame.

download our free app for all the games!

What You’ll Need: Six strips of bacon, premade pancake batter, salt and pepper. Cook Time: 12 minutes, or so. What are we, a Citizen Eco-Drive watch, Eli Manning? Fatty Factor: There’s a whole pornographic subculture for people like you. Let’s Get Baked: -Season bacon with salt and pepper. -On a large griddle or skillet, cook the strips of bacon until they are well-done. -Remove the bacon from the cooking device and discard most of the fat, leaving a thin film. -Put the bacon back onto the device, carefully spoon pancake batter over each strip of bacon. -Cook until one side of the pancake batter is golden-brown. -Flip the pancake, cook the other side to golden-brown as well. -Serve (only to yourself ) and enjoy. After sucking down a few platefuls of these, you’ll be ready to get back to your poor eating habits full-swing. We can do this! We can solve the skinny people epidemic in no time, guys!

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep Interviews

Mary Lambert By: Brendan

As a college student, you heard “Same Love” somewhere

between 1,000,000 and 1,000,005 times in the past calendar year. The lady crooning on the track is none other than Mary Lambert. With Welcome to the Age of My Body, her first major-label release, available now, she talked with us about…uh…stuff. The Black Sheep: How would you describe yourself to someone who might not be familiar with you? Mary Lambert: I’d describe myself as someone who is a really vulnerable artist. I’m seeking human connection through art. I think my strengths are as a writer, I consider myself more a writer than anything. TBS: What is your creative process like? Mary: It’s entirely chaotic and random. I think what really happens is, if I allow myself to sit down at a piano or guitar, it’s just about that. As soon as I sit down the wheels start turning. It feels more divine than anything else. I try not to come up with any preconceptions of what I’m going to write, I let the song come to me. TBS: How is your new album, Welcome to the Age of My Body compared to previous works? Mary: I don’t know if it’s any different, maybe more aggressive. TBS: What do you mean by that? Mary: It’s more a reclamation than a soft, delicate album. This

is more a reclamation of myself. There’s a new attitude that I didn’t have before.

hoping that people get it. If I got abused, I have to find some good from it.

TBS: Your album just came out. How much of what you worked on for that made the album? How much ends up on the cutting room floor? Mary: My ego says all the songs are good, but it’s important to me that I’m listening to what the audience says, too. About two months ago I was on tour and I played a song I had written that day and the audience really responded to it. On the other hand, I just played a new song at another show, and I don’t think the audience felt it. I don’t think it was the right thing, you know?

TBS: What consideration do you give as to how you address rough subject matter? Mary: There’s a lot of thought as to executing it. You can border on being exploitative to yourself about your experiences. It’s important that you don’t wallow in your own shit. Recognize this stuff happened, but think about how you can change the effect of it.

TBS: You talk about being a vulnerable artist, how does a more aggressive album play into that? Mary: I think it’s more aggressive in the sense that I’m trying to reclaim space as someone who was previously insecure or hurting. There’s a toughness to it, but I think there’s also vulnerability when you can also stand your ground. Vulnerable doesn’t mean you can be walked over.

TBS: Do you ever get negative feedback about this stuff? Mary: Now, with a major label release, I’ve been getting criticism and learning about it. Before, I felt I had been pretty lucky with a base that gets me. A journalist said I was “wallowing in [my] own despair” and that I “croon in [my] songs about wanting to kill [myself ]” and I thought, “I don’t feel like that at all!” My music isn’t something to put on at a party, but it’s a moment of vulnerability that helps people relate and have a dialogue about.

TBS: How do you write about subject matter that may be otherwise difficult to address? Mary: I don’t know how to not. I don’t know how to be protected. I don’ tknow how to censor myself. I think there’s a difference between writing about these things—rape and very vulnerable things about my body. People thinking, “How does she do that?” For me, it’s about wanting to start a dialogue and

TBS: Do you consider criticism—both positive and negative—when you get it? Mary: It’s a hard thing to balance because you want to be pleasing your audience, express yourself musically, and you don’t want to just be creating something just a critic will like. It’s a matter of being self-aware of what you’re creating while making something that’s accessible.

JANUARY: By: Brendan

Film’s Winter Wasteland

Sure, it may be cold outside, but your local theater is heating up with new releases abound. Hah, no, sorry. January is a wasteland in the movie world—the garbage pile where studios dump trash so they can get ‘em in DVD bargain bins by spring break. We highlight four of these disasters for your viewing pleasure.

The Legend of Hercules

Ride Along

Release Date: January 10th

Release Date: January 17th

Why Kellan Lutz is Starring In This: Ok, let’s be realistic people, this is exactly the kind of movie Kellan Lutz stars in.

Why Kevin Hart and Ice Cube are Starring In This: Because both these guys are in fucking everything.

Elevator Pitch: “Dude, bros are a pretty huge thing right now, and I don’t think there was a greater bro in Greek mythology than that Hercules bro. His dad was, like, the CEO of Mount Olympus, and he got to go on all these rad adventures and bang a bunch of chicks.”

Elevator Pitch: “Listen, Ice Cube really wants to be the badass in an action movie, but the only person in Hollywood shorter than him is Kevin Hart. Is he available for—what, he’ll do it for a cheeseburger and a 1992 Volvo 240? Let’s greenlight this bastard!”

What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: The scene in which Hercules gets super-drunk, jacks off his Greek buddy in their room one night, considers suicide, then sends some scrolls out to court some skanks to reassert his heterosexuality, setting precedent for Greek bros for years to come.

What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: After Hart lets the bad guys get away again, he screams in desperation as Ice Cube mean-mugs towards him. Also, scenes exactly like this occur 20 other times in the movie.

I, Frankenstein

That Awkward Moment

Release Date: January 24th

Release Date: January 31st

Why Aaron Eckhart is Starring In This: Because a strong jaw, piercing blue eyes and a WASP-y demeanor are just what Mary Shelly envisioned. Elevator Pitch: “Hi Mr. Towson, it’s Aaron Eckhart’s agent. Yeah, long story short, he fucked my wife, and now he must pay. You guys go anything in the works?” What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: A montage in which Dr. Frankenstein operates on his monster, removing his desire to be in quality movies and any semblance of self-respect, only to replace them with poor make-up and ridiculous stitch marks.

Why Zac Efron is Starring In This: We’re not saying it’s definitely because of his now-kicked coke habit, but we will say it’s probably because of his now-kicked coke habit. Elevator Pitch: “Well, other movies based on sassy girl catchphrases like, Talk to the Hand, Don’t Go There Girlfriend, and They Be Rapin’ Everybody Out Here were huge hits, nothing can go wrong!” What Ended Up On the Cutting Room Floor: After Efron’s Jason leaves a girl’s apartment, refusing sex on the first date, the three guys have an ethical discussion on the importance of patience in a relationship, and why it’s important to discover a woman’s true inner beauty over her outward appearance.

nic cage film bonanza Do you know what movies all of these Nic Cage characters are from? Email us at bonanza@theblacksheeponline.com. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a prize!

Film bank

1) Ghost Rider 2) Wicker Man 3) Face off 4) Raising Arizona 5) Con Air

6) Drive Angry 7) Kick Ass 8) The Weather Man 9) National Treasure

individual leases + fully furnished living rooms + pet friendly + stainless steel appliances

private shuttle to campus + private bed & bathrooms + 2 heated swimming pools + sand volleyball court

thelodgesofeastlansing.com

A PA R T M E N T C O M P L E X

VOTED BEST

A P P LY O N L I N E F O R FA L L 2 0 14

WELCOME BACK MSU

S E C U R E Y O U R S P O T T O D AY

+ SAVE $200 WITH REDUCED FEES

SIGN FOR FALL 2014 close to campus • free CATA bus pass • private bed • private bath available fully furnished • leather-style furniture • full-sized washer & dryer 24-hr fitness, computer & recreation centers • billiards • free tanning swimming pool with sun deck • basketball & sand volleyball court covered parking available • on-site management & maintenance roommate matching available • individual leases

ABBOTTPL.COM abbottpl.com • 2501 Abbot Rd • 517.324.9880 Limited time only. See office for details. Rates, & fees are subject to change.