The Black Sheep
fr e yo e... l i u to ke t ok he fr su om pp a ly o pu f bl to i ic ba let p th a ro per om .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 2 • 1/16/13 - 1/22/13
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Drink Away the Second Semester Slump in a snow fort! Meg Enter wrote this
It’s a couple weeks into spring semester, and the motivation for getting up at real person hours to see your chipper little TA’s face has already significantly waned. The only thing keeping you alive in the midst of approximately four hours of sunlight followed by darkness akin to Jeff Goldblum’s dyed pubes, is the thought of getting sloshed on some bottom shelf vodka in the not too distant future. Having lived with your suffocating roommate for six months now, you’d rather not get your buzz on in your shared 14’ by 14’ stench box. But where else can one mingle all his or her bottom shelf buddies? A snow fort, of course! The frigid deciduous environment of Beast Lansing in January can be your friend, and play host to your seasonal affective disorder-induced binge drinking. So as a snow fort crafting you go, keep in mind these essential aspects to optimize your winter intoxication wonderland. Location: There are a few locations around EL to suit a snow fortress/ booze cave. The patches of grass surrounding Beaumont are among the snowiest and most spacious on campus. Sure, a few kiddos, allegedly, have been robbed at knifepoint there in the late night hours, but you’re way cooler than them - duh, bad stuff only happens to dorks and uggos. Hence, said night creeps won’t dare come near your snow castle. Or, if you’re into immediacy, it’s never a bad idea to be near a booze source and that’s why right outside Big Ten is an ideal off-campus location to begin construction. What about all the foot traffic, you say? Read on and learn how to employ narrow passageways that protect your rations from adversaries stampeding into your dome when you sneak out for a hot second to grab another bottle of triple distilled goodness. Construction: Wielding some perfect snow bricks is a must in order to fortify the snow wall you will drunkenly stagger into after the lumberjack-ly amount of booze starts to taint your sweet, resilient liver. Solution: grab that cooler granny gave you to carry your “sodas” in during tailgate season and start packing snow in there harder than you packed your post-holiday badonkadonk into skinny jeans. Release said packed snow from cooler and—presto, perfect snow brick! Architectural design is also of key importance. Strong, narrow passageways help to minimize the effect of the drunken stumbly-tumblies, while also creating a bottleneck into your fortress for optimal crowd control. Ideally, these passageways will lead to a lavish foyer wherein broskis and hoeskis may convene whilst inebriation is nigh. Function: Secondly, the likelihood of your snow fort keeping you warm is minimal, but it is perfect for protection against the evil winter wind while copious amounts of alcohol work to make you feel warmer. In order to maintain a stable buzz, a booze station stocked with the
MSU Courses for the Real World no, not like math or science, we’re talking about actually useful classes.
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classiest of mind-altering beverage choices (e.g. Sailor Jerry, Blue Moon, and paint varnish) is always a good decision. On the flip side, there comes a time during any gluttonous binge on hard beverages when even the mighty must fall from grace, whether that’s by breaking the seal or barfing up the bacon. Therefore, a designated boot ‘n rally station is necessary to complete the fort’s interior design. It is best to simply use two buckets—one for what comes from down under and one for what glories projectile out of the face hole. Destruction: Lastly, no snow fort rager would be complete without drinking games that destroy the already-hazy memories of those in
what'’s inside
A Thank You To Grandma let’s try to get some money before she gets swindled by another Nigerian prince.
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attendance. So bring your generator, hook-up your Xbox, and set the difficulty to “legendary” on Halo 3, then start taking a shot every time someone dies. Or just play “Drinking Parkour” - there aren’t any rules but you’re be pretty sauced while breaking things and certainly not remembering anything. Either way, it’ll be just what the Olin nurse ordered, likely because the Olin nurse doesn’t know dick about how to actually make people healthy again. Keep these snow fort essentials in mind while staving off winter depression, and you won’t hardly remember there even was a winter! It’ll be spring soon, and you can go back to binge drinking on Lou Anna K’s porch like a normal person!
Point/Counterpoint: Booze or Bills
If you can afford paying for both, you need to stop selling yourself for sex.
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Platidude:
An overly generic description of a college male. “Flynn likes to listen to the latest Macklemore album when he runs at the gym before meeting his friends and his side piece out on a Friday night. What a platidude.�
Meet The Staff campus manager Justin Gawel
photographers Bailey Paskiewicz, Leslie Spector
Advertising ManagerS Victoria Bujny, Andrew Meggert Zach Martin, Michael Zalewsky
campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi
Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter Jessica Lee, Thomas Stewart
Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone
distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Everyone though Sarah was being sexual when she took shots, but tragically, it was because she lost her arms in a freak crossbow fight.
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Total Beer Diet: The Unhealthy Side of Dieting Cody Manthei wrote this Before you read any further under the misconception that what we're about to explain is an actual diet, we must tell you that it is in fact the exact opposite. The Total Beer Diet is a test of will, as in something that will make you wish you never drunkenly agreed to do something so foolish. Simply put, if you choose to participate, you’ll regret it. The first time we met the editor of this great paper we were in class. He turned around, asked for a pen, paper, and my phone number and then graciously offered us some Total, as in the cereal that tastes like woodchips and sadness. He proceeded to tell us of the ninety-six-hour, life-affirming diet that he was venturing into. Here are the guidelines: The only thing you can eat is Total cereal and the only thing you can drink is booze (with the stipulation that you can make cocktails - Bloody Marys and screwdrivers will be your best friends). And, of course, this takes place the Thursday to Monday span including Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Because like Dr. King, we have a dream—a dream of completing Total Beer Diet. For those seasoned drinkers out there, this might sound like an easy feat. Not so fast friend, you are very wrong. The first day is all smiles and miniskirts, You might even be as naïve to think, “Yeah, I can get through this. This is all smiles and miniskirts!” But you have to realize, you’re a college student—a day of eating poorly and drinking nothing but booze is just another Tuesday. The next morning hits and all you want is a bacon bomb, but alas, your hearty breakfast will have to stay in the fridge
for another seventy-two hours. However, once you get past the longing for gourmet food, and after a couple mimosas, you’ll find the second day to be relatively easy. But beware, because as night falls, this is when the permanent, drunken stupor sets in. Don’t be surprised if you pass out early, in fact it might be wise, just so you don’t remember the hunger pangs that are terrorizing your entire digestive system. The third day rolls around and… oh wait, wow, is it the third? It feels like forever that you’ve been in this prison built by Total. All you can think about is how stupid the Total box is, why can’t they change the design for Christ’s sake! This is the day most people break down, concede, order Jimmy John's and drink a gallon of Emergen-C. For those who continue, this is when the madness sets in. Your sentences will shift into an incomprehensible slur of muddy thoughts and your actions become painful and robotic. You won’t remember whether you’re in your kitchen or the bathroom, which will inevitably cause some frustrating clean up. Your body will break down and sleep is your only friend, if you can actually slumber with the deathly cacophony resonating from your stomach. Ta-da! You made it to the final day. But don’t celebrate just yet, because you still have to make it to the very end. This day is just waiting, catching up on Homeland, catching up on Dance Moms, and watching the clock as it becomes slower and slower throughout the day. Not even a Bloody Mary can curb the emptiness inside. You may even find God, Jewish-God, or nirvana as the hours stretch on. But
MSU Courses for the Real World Hannah Borland wrote this
once you’ve hit that ninety-six hour mark the day is done! You’ve completed the Total Beer Diet without dying! Now it’s a race to McDonald’s to get a dozen McRibs, which you’ll proceed to scarf down before throwing it back up and falling asleep. But it was so worth it, wasn’t it?
Imagine a fairytale world in which ISS, IAH, and ICP classes are something more than dead weight on your GPA and an excuse to drink at 11 a.m. on Wednesdays. A world in which general chemistry and college math for art majors no longer exists, and you don’t have to attend a Friday 8 a.m. recitation with a TA who you saw pass out after downing three Irish car bombs at Dublin the past night. First of all, give the guy a break. His job sucks, considering his first task is to teach your hungover ass, followed immediately by his second task, which is grading the test on which you somehow managed to stain with old food and blood, even though you only had it in your possession for the twenty-five minutes you showed up to class. Picture if MSU offered the following: completely bitchin’ courses that teach you how to live your life, instead of the pointless exercises in memorization and caffeine-Adderall cocktails. BLT 345: Cooking Without a Microwave. We know MSU in real life does offer, like, two classes in which students learn to cook, because we banged the assistant instructor and she made us great pancakes the next morning. However, these courses are only for specific majors and not the general student population, all of whom really fucking need to learn how to cook. Nothing is worse than moving in with someone and discovering that all they’re going to give you for breakfast is a bowl of Froot Loops, a dirty muffin, and some awkward morning wood. FML 444: What to Do When Life is Doing You In the Ass, Part 4. This course would cover those days when you have food poisoning from the Olive Garden shrimp you ate last night but can’t miss your presentation at work. You’re likely presenting with a case of nausea, as well as wicked nuclear diarrhea that you’re barely keeping in check. And then your car breaks down on the freeway when it’s seven degrees outside, your iPhone is dead, and
you’re broke because the cat you adopted with your long-gone college boyfriend needs medication because it can’t find the litter box and pees on everything you own due to severe cat-aracts and a bad attitude. Do you have any idea what to do now? Hell yes, because you took this sixteen-week course on how to kick bad days in the nards and use those lemons life gave you to make tasty lemon margaritas. DTF 320: Marvin Gaye, Barry White, and You. Let us start out by saying that we have no idea who would be qualified to teach this, only that it would be immensely helpful to both sexes. This is college, and yes, most sexual interaction here is purely recreational and generally enacted in greatly varying states of sobriety. However, once these golden days are done, ladies and gentlemen, you will be expected to have actual skill in this sensitive area. Whether you’re looking for a spouse, or just someone you know will be a sure thing after you’ve struck out eight consecutive weekends at the bar -the short, drunken log rides you got used to dishing out in college won’t have anybody calling “Timber!” and getting horizontal when you’re in the mood for that wood to find a warm thicket to fall in. If tuition dollars could pay for this type of education, the world would be a much more peaceful place that would lack most modern day inventions. Shape up or get dutifully acquainted with your ninety-degrees hand, boys and girls, (right hand, get it? Boy, The Black Sheep sure can find humor at any angle). Other courses might include Going to the Hospital in a Timely Matter 206, Judging Appropriate Skirt Length for Work 405, The Oldest Profession is Actually Fisherman 271, and How to Not Get Drunk and Have Sex With Your Coworker in a Broom Closet at The Company Christmas Party 103. Maybe these things can only be learned from experience, but a lecture and a few PowerPoint slides probably wouldn’t kill us either. Probably.
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Ways to Not Die in the Cold
10.) Attend Lectures: Yeah, you look like you’re being a good student. But, in actuality, you’re just desperate to fall asleep in the back row of each of your lecture halls buried under the pile of blankets you brought along. What, are they going to kick you out for wanting to “learn”? 9.) Hit Up the Steam Tunnels: This one is a heat-source and a good time, so you’re killing two birds with one stone. The warmth that comes from the heated steam tunnels draws students like flies to a light this time of year, and exploring the endless twists and turns of Michigan State’s underground is both kind of creepy and indescribably awesome. 8.) Get Kinky and Weird with Sparty: Can you imagine how warm our dear mascot, Sparty, must be? Befriend him and seduce him. It’s time to get freaky and demand that he leave the Sparty suit on. The poor furry doesn’t necessarily need to know that your sole motivation for doing so is to stay warm, and potentially discovering a new sexual fetish is just a bonus.
A Thank-You to Grandma Garrison Rasmussen wrote this Dear Grandma, Greetings, it‘s your favorite grandchild! You know, the one that didn’t shoot your cat and totally, certainly didn’t give you a toe fungus two years ago at the Fourth of July family reunion? I’m writing an actual letter to you since I know you forgot the password to your pesky Prodigy account. Gram Gram, I am writing through disappointment. Remember the hard-earned baking money and Dead-Grandpa’s pension that you so frivolously bestowed unto me as a Christmas present because I worked hard and passed all of my classes this semester? Well, the money has since departed my company for a plethora of spending, which includes, but isn’t limited to, buying Midget Tears and Mexican High-Fives: both street names for this delightful new drug I was tricked into becoming addicted to. Naturally, I love the rush. Last night I awoke naked in a cold sweat, with AXE shower gel plaguing my eyes while I literally chased a dragon through the sewer system in East Lansing.
7.) Sleep in a Tauntaun: Pull a Luke Skywalker and sleep inside the nearest tauntaun you manage to take down and cut open. The smell may be horrifying, but you can get through it with the help of alcohol and a little something we like to call the Force. 6.) Devour Everything: Eat literally as much as you can, just inhuman portions of food. The extra calories will provide a protective layer of fat to combat the colder temperatures, similar to the blubber of a whale or John Goodman. 5.) Cut Off Your Limbs: This sounds rash, but if we’re preaching the truth, your limbs are going to be the first things to go if you’re suffering from any sort of hypothermia or other winter-related horror (e.g. a deranged snowman attack). So you might as well beat winter at its own game and cut them off now. Bonus, once winter’s over you can start collecting disability checks! 4.) Cracker Barrel: The best thing you can possibly do when all else fails is to discreetly seek shelter in your local Cracker Barrel. If you can no longer afford food, heat, or electricity—life looks grim. Good thing Cracker Barrel has legitimately everything you need to outlast a zombie apocalypse, much less hypothermia. Hide in the rocking chairs 'til close, and then camp out near the massive amounts of food, knick-knacks, and old timey candy after dark.
Though I'm disappointed in myself for having spent the money, I’d also like to say thanks for giving me the best two weeks of my life. Just last weekend, the money was used for great things. Remember Tiffany from down the street when I was growing up? You’ll be proud to know she is now proudly employed at the Déjà Vu gentlemen’s club. That crush I held on her for three years was expelled into her hair as we traipsed into the back alley. Thank you, Grandma - your money was able to purchase not only two-thirds of the most erotic lap dance experienced north of the Mason-Dixon line, but also a bit of extra credit that I may have to get checked in the upcoming days while I yum me up some of that Obamacare that I know you hate. So, in a way, you’re paying for that too! The excitement did not stop there. Your money was gladly used for an art project of sorts. By “of sorts” I mean that I got pretty high and created some sort of mural during an eighteen-hour stint where I had locked my self in the bathroom at Denny’s. I vanished from the scene before the police arrived, but the papers are calling it the first “poop bandit” incident, as, apparently, I had scrawled on the wall in human waste: “I am Poop Bandit, idiots!” So the Mexican High-Fives may have set me off on the last little outburst of pure, youthful fun. This is why other drugs are needed in order to stave off those tirades. Grandma, I know you just had foot surgery and need a new hearing aid; naturally, I assume that the pain is unbearable, but I want your morphine. And by want, I mean I need your morphine. Yes, I know you have tons of oxycodone too that you’d be more than willing to supply me with, but that drug is for pussies. When I go high, I want to float over Hubbard Hall, not Spartan Stadium. Now, before you say no, let me remind you that I’m a good kid. I’ve written you a letter and I straight 2.0’d my classes last semester. And, if you do not send me a bottle of morphine once every fortnight, or let the contents of this letter slip to Daddy, I will be more than happy to help your son find you a nice retirement home in Northern Canada. Do you know what they do for fun in Northern Canada? It’s a little activity called “waiting to die in Northern Canada”. Love you, Grandma, and God Bless! - Garrison
3.) Sleep: When in doubt, do as the bears do. No, we don’t mean growing out all of your body hair and having sex with other gay men, we mean hibernating. You’ll burn fewer calories, making it possible to retain body heat in prime survival mode. 2.) Orgies: Sex alone isn’t enough to keep Jack Frost from nipping at your naughty bits. Invite some friends to join in some fun that may or may not be awkward in the morning. Body heat, friction, and a little game called “Find The Skittle” make this idea a win. 1.) Shots: Sure, chugging a plastic bottle of the good stuff may only give your classic drunk the perception of warmth, but you'd rather die drunk than live sober. Drink up, your survival depends on it.
Zoe Kremke wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What New Year’'s resolution have you already broken? “It’s hard to break them when you don’t make them.” - Bry S., Sophomore
“Get to class on time every day during the first week back to school.” - Connor N., Junior
“Not drinking on weekdays.” - Natalia J., Senior
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Point/Counterpoint: Pay for Booze or Pay your Bills msu staff wrote this So winter has totally been a dick and actually showed up this year and it’s starting to get quite chilly in the good ole Murder Mitten. This also means classes have just begun and the dynamic duo of Michigan State University and textbook publishers has effectively price-gouged poor students’ eyes out, and many of us are finding ourselves in quite the frozen pickle (and no, we don’t mean the sex act). We’re here to help and, since our loyal readership knows our advice is as good as Goldschlager, we give to you a point-counterpoint to help you discern what to spend your money on this winter. Point: If you don’t use your last fifty clams to pay your Consumers Energy bill your heat might get shut off. If your heat gets shut off you might lose a testicle or breasticle to frostbite. Counterpoint: They don’t actually shut off your heat for like, what, fifteen days or something, right? Anyway, who cares how cold you are on the outside when you have an internal Cosby sweater made of yummy yummy booze to keep you warm? Point: You might need an Internet connection to get your class work done on time as well as providing material to effectively masturbate to (yeah, we know your imagination isn’t as morally depraved as the Internet). You should probably forgo a weekend of drinking and pay that bill. Counterpoint: What the hell are you paying a small fortune every semester for if you can’t take advantage of free Wi-Fi in every building on campus? Screw Comcast and AT&T; just hit up the Union and get that shit done, then go home and use the smart phone Mom and Dad still pay for to either sext a sexual companion or download some material to J.O. to. Point: Your flimsy pretense of “movie night” with that hot piece of ass from your accounting class seems kind of sketchy if they realize you don’t have electricity. Counterpoint: Ha! Or you might enjoy a candle-lit dinner of take-out food. Plus, the post-dinner excuses to curl up under the blankets and keep warm! Also, if they’re not feeling the whole “darkand-cold” scene there’s always the whiskey option! Point: How will you shower and maintain personal hygiene if you don’t pay your Board of Water and Light bill? Counterpoint: Don’t maintain personal hygiene, just maintain being drunk - the musk of blood and booze is way better than the smell of being freshly showered, so, yeah, screw showering. Point: Good luck throwing an awesome welcome back banger with no lights, no music, and no heat. Counterpoint: Just move the party to the neighbors’ place. They can’t say no if you show up with six
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Point: Your microwave won’t work if you decide to buy booze instead of paying bills. Counterpoint: Wh-wh-whaaatt, hold the phone! Okay, shit, you should probably pay that bill. What is life without microwaves? That’s not a life we want to live; that is for certain.
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Point: Paying your utilities would be the responsible decision to make in this situation. Counterpoint: There will be plenty of time for “responsibility,” “car insurance,“ and “sobriety” once you graduate and become a corporate bitch. You’re in college—your only responsibility is to be irresponsible.
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January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks
TUES: Ladies Nightand w/Hush DJ KING ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, Puppies.
Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday! $2.50 You Call It's (except: Wed.) $3 Pints of Guinness, $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Harp, Smithwicks and Bass, Rolling Rock Bottles $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, Thursday John Powers, Friday Saturday $3.50 LongWednesday Islands $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Daily Specials: 31 Irish Nachos and 1 2 $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots Skins, Chicken Thumbs Monday 9pm-Close
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DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks $2 Well Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles 6 7 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks 1/2 Off8 Night $3 Bud Lt Platinum DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Juan Trevino DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car $3Bombs White Gummy Bear Shots Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 DJ BIG MIKE $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks The Ice Boxers 3P.M. - 8P.M. BURGER BASH DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.00 – Bombs $1 Burgers $1 Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Dublin Brew Crew from 7-9 Thursday 9pm-Close (excludes top shelf liqours) Coors Light, 23 $2.50 – Pints 20 21 $2 Wells, $222 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 – Call Drinks Miller Lite, Labatt and PBR Drafts $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands $3 Rumple DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints$2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $3 All Drafts $3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks Daniels DJ Minze (Back Bar) Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 Jack Lite, Labatt DJ Beats Blue Light Sunday All Day SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 –Bloody$3 Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints DJ Big Mike DJ Donnie D $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Pints of Pub Dublin Square Irish $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs $3 Domestic Bottles Coors Lt, Miller 327 Abbott Rd Lite, $3.50 Flavored Vodka East Labatt LansingBlue MI 48823 Light 9pm – Close Every Day
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MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
MON, 1/21
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
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A Frank Sit-Down With Kim Jong-Un thomas stewart wrote this I open the door to The Black Sheep 1 and the cold, dark air above Pyongyang, North Korea comes rushing in. A green light flashes and I jump from the plane, “Go do this interview—do it for America,” I hear the pilot say. “Hold my 'Stones,” I stoically reply as I dive into the night. Guiding my circa 1979, tastefully provocative “Sit On It, Commies” print parachute, I gingerly land in front of North Korean dictator and cookie dough enthusiast Kim Jong Un just as he saunters outside his palace door. “Ah, yes, you must be here to interview me. Greetings, I am the supreme leader of North Korea.” “Howdy, I’m from America: land of Viagra and fancy ketchup,” I reply. “That was a, well, interesting entrance,” He says. “KJ, baby, if there’s one thing you need to know about me it’s that I’m a man with a flair for the dramatic. Judging by that fresh middle part your hair is rocking, and that olive-colored onesie, I can safely assume you know what I’m talking about.” “Well, let’s get rolling,” I say, “Ready to have the pants interviewed off of you?” I offer up a fist dap, the international sign of goodwill and homeboyish-ness. He gives a dap back. Game on. I start to follow him back inside as he begins, “I look forward to setting the record straight on many issues. In the coming year I hope t-“ “Christ on a cracker; I didn’t ask for your life story, Kimmy Neutron. Work with me here. I have to give the American people the hard-
hitting, meaty stories they demand. No fluff; this is real journalism here, not some State News spotlight on Zeke the Wonder Dog III. With that in mind, I launch into my first question, “is Kim Jong-Un a cat person or a dog person?” Three minutes of complete silence ensue and this interview has turned into an immensely awkward staring contest. I realize this is going to be one tough North Korean nut to crack. I check my notes, “Let’s get down to brass tacks. Now, I know this won’t be easy for a playboy like you, butt fuck, marry, kill: Sarah Jessica Parker, zombie Farrah Fawcett, and Hillary Clinton. To clarify, zombie Farrah still looks pretty good, but she smells like an Arby’s dumpster. Okay, go!” Suddenly the accusations start flying and the tables turn on who’s interviewing whom. “What kind of interview is this? Why do I smell scotch on your breath? What’s with the clown make-up?” “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk, you club footed cherub!” I drunkenly overreact. At this point, my keenly tuned journalist instincts tell me the moment has become tense. Perfect, some tense questions should cancel out these tense moments. “Alright, Kim Kong-Poon, so North Korea, what can you say? Rampant starvation, nonexistent civil rights, and a feeling of hopelessness suffocating everyone—frankly, it’s like Muskegon. That being said, ‘sup with that?” The dictator beings to break, “I’m so sorry; I’m just an asshole with mommy issues. I hate it, but that’s who I am!”
I interpret this candid admission as the coming of another bro-ment, so I go in for a hug to seal the impending bro-alition. However, the light pressure of my arms on his Poppin’ Fresh-esque belly, currently filled with cookie dough and barbecue sauce, results in rumbles slowly leading to a high-pitched fart squeaking out of his dumper. Kimbo Slice looks embarrassed and I realize the significance of the situation. “Don’t laugh, don’t laugh,” I tell myself. I laugh. Five long, torture filled years from now I’ll be released from a North Korean prison. I’ll rub my tongue against my toothless gums and fondly reminisce about the days when my testicles didn’t have burn scars, but who’s to know what I’m talking about through all the flashback and post-traumatic stress.
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bartender of the week chelsea w. crunchy's Major: Human Bio
Favorite chaser: More booze or beer
Age: 25 Relationship status: Not single Nickname: C-Dub Boxers or briefs: Boxers Worst job: Cleaning pools Dream job: Sports trainer for the Tigers Worst pick up line: “I’m too drunk to drive, can I come home with you?”
the drinking game:
Bar pet peeve: Snapping Rockstar you’d want to party with: Anthony Kiedis Weirdest phone number exchange: A customer left it on the credit card slip as the tip. Describe Crunchy’s with hashtags: #greatbeer #gospartans Favorite winter beer: Southern Tier Oatmeal Stout
recipe for disaster:
drinking
Inferno Walking Tacos
This week we will look at a game as old as booze itself. It is both the simplest and most entertaining of games, and it is easy enough to play almost anywhere. We’re talking of course of the game simply known as “drinking.”
Too exhausted from last night’s 3 a.m. booty call? Too entranced by Aqua Teen Hunger Force to get off your lazy ass and make real food? Well, The Black Sheep has the perfect recipe for that lazy Sunday, or Monday, or any day of the week for that matter.
What You’ll Need: Booze and preferably a friend to drink with. Number of Players: As many as you damn well please. Level of Intoxication: That depends on you. How to Play: Take one drink when: - You feel like drinking. - You feel like you haven’t had a drink in a while. - You’re really in the mood for more beer. Take another drink when: - You inevitably fail at hitting on the super hot chick at the bar. - You realize you’ve already spent more than $15 and it’s only 9.
- Your roommate hits you up for yet another round. - You want to increase your dance skills. Finish your drink when: - You run into your ex with his or her new significant other. - Someone really annoying comes up to you and you need an excuse to get away. - You really have to pee and don’t want to bring your drink into the nasty bathroom. - You want the courage to send a sexy email to your super hot TA.
Game Ends When: Either you pass out or feel intense bouts of shame and remorse. With all that fancy-shmancy technology we have these days, sometimes we forget about the ol’ classic fun our relatives had many years before us. Time to raise a glass to Grandpa Joe; he’d be proud of you tonight.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What You’ll Need: 6 little Fritos bags, 1 can of chili, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, sour cream, and your favorite hot sauce. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s such a good laxative that it’s like negative calories! Let’s Get Baked: - Pour the can of chili into a container with a lid and heat it in the microwave for 2 to 3 minutes. - Open the bags of Fritos and dump some in the chili. - Mix in the lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, onions and whatever other ingredients you love to put on your tacos. - Liberally add hot sauce to the container. Just dump the whole bottle in there. - Put on the lid and shake vigorously. - Grab a spoon or a bag of chips and go to town. You now have a delicious, extremely unhealthy bag full of Meatwad for you to enjoy while he’s on the television.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
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by: quinn
DA14 The Western World’s First Gene Therapy Goes on Sale The Event: Dutch biotech uniQure’s Glybera will become commercially available, providing gene therapy to treat lipoprotein lipase deficiency (LPLD), an extremely rare inherited disorder affecting the metabolism of fat particles. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Gene therapy might just be the future of medicine as we know it. It physically alters the fundamental material that tells our cells how to function, and could potentially provide cures to some of humankind’s most detrimental diseases. But we’re not quite there yet, so who cares? Just like global warming, we should spend more time arguing whether or not humans should tinker with God’s creation. In fact, until uniQure can replace our short, fat, and brunette genes, let’s not give a shit about it. In other words, if a man was born to die of LPLD, then that’s what he was put on this Earth to do… until we can alter our genes to have powerful sex organs, then we shall not agree with uniQure and its evil plans to white-wash America.
The Event: On February 15, 2013, the DA14 asteroid is predicted to narrowly sweep past Earth. The 45-meter, 130,000 metric ton asteroid will blow by us at 21, 200 miles from the center-point of Earth, with an uncertainty region of about 0.000001 AU (150 km; 93 mi). How can we selfishly make this about us?:"Uncertainty region" is certainly a sexy term. In this random universe anything can happen, and we feeble humans just have to bend over, grab our ankles, and take it. Might this near-Earth asteroid randomly be coerced by unknown forces of the universe, and take a path to knock Earth of its axis, killing us all? Or will Jesus whisk off into space on a silver surfboard and push it away? Only time can tell, but one thing's for sure - you want to make sure everyone within your online social reach knows that you know the asteroid isn't going to hit (because of science or surfboard Jesus)… but you're going to party like it is AnYwAy!~! #DA14 #NearDeath #JesusPushedtheAsteroidAway
Royal Baby Born The Event: Kate Middleton and whichever royal breeder is plugging her are passing on their blessed genes! Surely this baby will be left to grow up in a private, loving home like the rest of us, it won't throw itself off of the London Bridge at the ripe age of 14 on national television! How can we selfishly make this about us?: How dare we suggest that someone else's baby isn't primarily about us in the first place? This baby is will be a real life princess or prince! Our generation barely knew Princess Diana, and now we have our chance to become psychotically possessive of someone else's life. This baby is ours, America, and if we can't destroy the English monarchy with war, we shall tear it down by shoving our fat faces into every aspect of this baby's life. We will vote on the baby's name (deeming him/her Oprah no matter what), witness his/her first kiss, and ultimately steer the royal family back to what they do best - have sex with each other until years of incest rot away their genetic makeup.
The Wide Commercial Use of Highly Flexible Touch Sensors The Event: 2013 is predicted to be the year we start to see our computing technology evolve to be flexible - with a phone that wraps around your wrist as the desired endpoint. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Our grandparents would never have dreamed of carrying the sort of computing power we do in their pockets. Yet, how do we respond to having an infinite amount of information at our fingertips? Immediately start complaining about the Facebook app loading too slowly, or carelessly dropping it into on the ground as we stream porn in the bathroom stall at work. Of course we'll welcome our computers being able to bend into a wrist accessory, but we'll all inevitably grow bored with this groundbreaking technology and wonder why the computer is still a physical thing, and not a chip implanted into our brain. Why do we have to still look at something to watch porn? Why aren't we to the point where we can stream it on the back of my eyelids yet!? We thought this was 2013, not 2003!
Solar Flares Will Disrupt the Earth's Magnetosphere The Event: The sun will reach its solar maximum this year - the period of greatest activity in its 11-year solar cycle. Because of the low level of activity in recent years there is a build up of energy, with large "solar storms" hitting Earth's magnetosphere strong enough to disrupt electronic systems on Earth. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Despite the fact that the solar flares could potentially alter the banking system and hospital equipment, we'll all inevitably complain more about our phone batteries not charging as we sleep, and GPS devices leading us to Taco Bell instead of the nearest strip club. Sure, we could take this phenomenon to realize there are bigger external forces that alter our lives than WiFi and sex, becoming a little less dependent on our machines and a little more interested in the frailty of human life and our relationships. But we won't, and our faces will stay glued to our phones as we mash the refresh button like apes until the internet checks back in.
we interview: We interviewed Ryan North, creator of the online Dinosaur Comics, writer of Adventure Time comics, and eventually a choose-your-own-adventure Hamlet book. He is the self-described “final boss of the internet,” so follow him on Twitter @ryanqnorth! By Brendan The Black Sheep: So you went to college for Computer Science, did you start the comic out of college or in college? Ryan North: I did undergrad in Computer Science and started the Dinosaur Comics in my final year. Then I did a graduate degree in computation linguistics, and continued the comic during that time. When I graduated I had the choice of getting a real job or doing comics on the internet, and the internet comic thing seemed like it would be more fun. TBS: With that in mind, what was the decision like -- did you understand the risk, did you look at it as kind of "this is my one shot to do this"? RN: Yeah, actually it was a really easy decision, because when a cartoonist decides to go full time that means they have to quit their day job, but all I had to do was fail to get a job. It was easy because the easiest choice was the most fun choice. TBS: Since then you've branched out to a bunch of different things -- designing other web comics and other projects. When you go after these things, how do you choose to do it? RN: It takes me about three hours to write a comic, which seems like a lot for six panels, but it takes that long to get to the point where I'm happy with it. So when I started doing comics full time, I’d be done around noon, and have the whole afternoon off - so I was like, “Yeah! Spring break full time!” But after a couple weeks of that, I started to be like "Oh no, I'm wasting my life.” But Oh No Robot came out of me saying “Wow! This is something that can solve a problem for web comics, and something I can do in the afternoon that would be computer science-y,” which I enjoyed also - you know, helping out both myself and other cartoonists. So seeing something that could be done better and doing it, but also selfishly just needing to feel more productive than I am. TBS: Dinosaur Comics, do you find the 6 panels are a continual challenge? RN: In one sense it's like a haiku, where you have these constructions and you work within it - and that gives you some advantages, like you're not facing a blank sheet of paper in the morning. I know my comic today will probably have T-Rex in it to some degree, because it's always those same six images, but at the same time you're thinking how can you spend ten years with the same six images, this is brutal, it's reptilian. But they're really flexible, which is great -- if I put "Meanwhile in Tudor England" above one of the panels, that changes the visual narrative of the strip and it starts telling different stories and having characters off panel that interact with the main characters, which makes it flexible, and seemingly easier. TBS: The Adventure Time comic is very stylistically different from what you've been doing, how do you switch voices between the two? RN: I think it helps that the characters from each comic like T-Rex from Dinosaur Comics and Jake from
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
broken city In Theaters January 18th
Hey, it's a Mark Wahlberg action film! Russell Crowe stars as the mayor of New York City, a man who hires Wahlberg (a disgraced ex-cop with an innate anger problem) to help him identify his wife's lover, that bitch. Scandalous situations simmer up, supposedly surrounding sex and stuff.
toro y moi - anything in return out January 22nd
Chaz Bundwick, better known as Toro y Moi, graces us yet again with his low key dance beats on Anything in Return. Bundwick describes his latest album as just him having fun, music that his "girlfriend would dance to, or something." Yeah, guys, or something, so let's keep the vibes chill around here, okay?
africa January 22nd at 10p.m. on discovery
From the makers of Planet Earth, Frozen Planet and Life comes another epic documentary that shows us that rhinos and giraffes really do live complex, interesting lives outside of the zoo. The third installment of the seven part series shows us the country of Congo, and how life is, like, real in the rain forest.
ryan north Adventure Time, are very distinct characters with really clear voices, so it's not hard to write them. You know it's not like I sit down and I say, “Alright here's a funny joke, now is it a T-Rex joke or is this a Finn and Jake joke?” It's more, I'm writing for Finn and Jake and then suggest the different sorts of jokes for each character. TBS: Moving onto your Kickstarter project To Be or Not To Be: That is the Adventure choose your own adventure play on Hamlet that blew up, what was the inspiration behind that? RN: It was totally the title that caught me - because I thought "Wow, that's structured like a choice, like in those little choose your adventure books!” Then I thought “Oh my gosh, I have to write this." And there is a lot in Hamlet that is well suited for the adventure book format - he has a very clear goal to kill the bad guy, and when you do the story is over. And there’re other easy translations like the play within a play easily becomes a book within a book. TBS: The Kickstarter campaign raised a bunch of money, why do that instead of going to a publisher? RN: The thing with going to a publisher is you have to say, "Hey Mr. publisher I've written this chooseyour-own path version of Hamlet, so stay with me it's going to be great, but I want every ending illustrated and it's going to cost you thousands of dollars to print this. But trust me it will be really cool!" which a lot of publishers won't go for. But you go to Kickstarter and say the same thing, and only ask that people put up $20 and get the book, and you can watch it grow. We started with just black and white book with a thirty pictures, but as we made more money it became full color with over 110 pictures. So it let the book be better than what it would've otherwise been, which I think is a really powerful thing. TBS: One of the over-arching things that have been in this conversation has been you betting on yourself and winning - have you experienced and large-scale setbacks? RN: There is a truism of writing that says, "If you want to write something good you have to write a bunch of bad things first and get them out of your system," but I feel what's actually happening is that your initial writing will be bad - like if you look at the first couple years of Dinosaur Comics, I wouldn't put those comics online now because I wouldn't be happy with them. Like, when I put the first comic out, it was just me and my mom reading the comic -- and then my mom stopped -- I feel like if I had the objective measure to say "Is this a successful comic?" Well for the first couple years it wasn't! But I wasn't doing it for the success I was doing it because I enjoyed writing a comic and I wanted to see what I could do with it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. That doesn’t mean it's a failure and you have to move onto the next thing - it means "Well, that didn't work, we learned something from this, and we better adapted, or learned the lessons we learned to do something new" I feel like labeling your different projects as failures or not failures is a little bit harsh, and sort of writes off the failure stuff, when really there is something good in there that you can recycle and make into something better.
the
riddle!
Can you figure out the question we're asking in this riddle? Do you know the answer to said question? You do!? Get outta here! Someone get this guy a drink! Send the question and answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.
the madlib: back to school It seems like it was just yesterday you were packing up your things and heading back to __1__ to enjoy a month-long break. You were determined to relax, promising yourself that you’d __2__ one __3__ every day you were home. Well, that didn’t happen. First your __4__ began berating you for showing up at home with so much __5__. Doesn’t she understand that it’s really expensive to do it at school? Then your __6__ asked why you reek of __7__, like there’s a good way to answer that question in front of the parents.
Deciding you need a break from all that nonsense, you head over __8__’s house, knowing he’ll be down to __9__ some __10__. You walk into his house and the whole family is sobbing; apparently his __11__suddenly __12__. Now you’re telling him everything is going to be __13__, but you really, really just want to go to __14__ and __15__. Of course things continue to get worse. A few days later you find out that __16__, the ex- you still quietly lust over, is now dating __17__. You still despise __18__ for __19__ on your __20__ as a joke your __21__year of high
school. Nothing really got worse through Christmas, but New Year’s saw the ultimate shitstorm come crashing ashore. After __22__ ditched you at a __23__ you decided to head home. When you walked in you heard a shriek. A naked, quivering mass of flesh was on the couch. It was your __24__, with __25__ on top. Then, on top of both of them was a __26__. You immediately started __27__ and __28__, though you’re not sure which one came first. So yeah, thank god you’re back at school.
1) Your hometown 2) Verb 3) Noun 4) Female family member 5) Noun 6) Different family member than 4 7) Libation 8) Male friend’s name 9) Verb 10) Noun 11) Pet 12) Verb (past tense) 13) Adjective 14) Location
15) Verb 16) Name 17) Name of nemesis 18) Same as 16 19) Verb (-ing) 20) Body part 21)Year in high school 22) Name 23) Inopportune location 24) Family member 25) Family member 26) Animal 27) Verb (-ing) 28) Verb (-ing)
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