The Black Sheep
FRO FREE! M T LIKE HE ICE CATCH BUC ING KET A C CHA OLD LLE NGE .
Volume 11
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 2
Why MSU’s Better than Every Team We’re Playing This Year Baer Woods wrote this College football is back and after Michigan State’s best season in our lifetime, East Lansing can’t wait. However, with a new season comes new challenges. Our fearless leader Mark Dantonio has to be politically correct and give quotes like “one week at time” and “everyone is a threat,” so we’ll go through and explain why we’re better than each team we’ll play this year—no holds barred. Jacksonville State (8/29): Your team name is the Gamecocks. And we’ll be damned if Mark Dantonio is going to let us lose to a bunch of dicks. Oregon (9/6): Oregon gets the spotlight that Michigan State deserves because of their flashy uniforms and high-powered offense, but here in the Big Ten we know that it’s defense that wins championships. We don’t need all the glitz and glam that the prima donnas that Oregon has, it just makes those softies easier to manhandle. Eastern Michigan (9/20): This game against Michigan misfits gives us the opportunity to beat up on the school that 75% of University of Michigan fans actually attend, instead of the school they pretend to go to. Wyoming (9/27): We didn’t even know there are actually enough people in the state of Wyoming to warrant a college. We anticipate Wyoming running out of the tunnel, seeing 75,000 in green screaming at the damn hermits, and then collectively shitting themselves. The Cowgirls will be too distracted by the poop in their pants to focus for the rest of the game. Nebraska (10/4): Historically Nebraska has been a tough team for us to beat-- think of the Hail Mary a few years ago. But Spartans never back down from a fight, and Nebraska too, shall fall. Then those ‘Huskers can return to Nebraska to sit and spin on the endless amounts of corn flowing through their godforsaken state.
yell at him for taking away an easy win, and Delaney doesn’t like being yelled at.
Purdue (10/11): We only beat them 14-0 with one of those touchdowns being a returned interception. NO FLY ZONE, BITCH. Purdue hasn’t come close to being relevant since they had Drew Brees, and he’s like, our dads’ age now.
Michigan (10/25): Do the Wolverines still have an obese guy with bitch tits who has absolutely no qualifications to coach a Big Ten team running their program? Yeah? Ok cool. Have fun in Pat Narduzzi’s House of Horrors, aka our defense.
Maryland and Rutgers (11/15 and 11/22): Why are these teams in the Big Ten? In 2013 Rutgers went 6-7 in a conference that had Connecticut, South Florida, Memphis and Temple in it. Maryland went 7-6, and Duke won its division. DUKE! How many points combined will they score against MSU, 6?
Indiana (10/18): Indiana doesn’t even know why they have a football team. Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney just keeps some scrubs in crimson and cream because if he kicks the Hoo-cares out, Urban will
Ohio State (11/8): We were already better than O-H-I-O before Braxton Miller got injured. We’re the only team in the Big Ten that isn’t afraid of Urban and his SEC sense of unentitled arrogance. Enjoy another Papa
Penn State (11/29): After taking the beating of a lifetime at the hands of men, Penn State will run to the showers like the scared little boys that they are. (Too soon?)
John’s pizza on us, Urban.
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SO YOU FORGOT TO BUY SEASON TICKETS
ZEKE THE WONDER DOG’S GUIDE TO GAME DAY
WHAT DOES YOUR TAILGATING BEVERAGE SAY ABOUT YOU?
HEED THE ADVICE FROM THE FRISBEE-CATCHIN’ SUPERSTAR.
DON’T FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS BUT, YES, WE’RE JUDGING YOU.
YOU’RE NOT MISSING OUT, IT’S NOT LIKE WE JUST WON THE ROSE BOWL OR ANYTHING.
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Originally gained fame from Toddlers & Tiaras.
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Lives in McIntyre, Georgia.
3
Introduced terms “neck crust” and “forklift foot.”
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ON THE STREETS What’s the most regrettable thing you’ve done since you’ve been back at school? Jasmine
“Moving off campus because there is free laundry on campus.”
Matt
“Getting an MIP.”
Brian
“No regrets.”
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LIFE ADVICE
THE TOP TEN Things That Happen on Game Day that Don’t Happen in Real Life Game day… it’s a magical time filled with mystery and wonder. The normally flesh-toned student body transforms into a drunken, green and white mob wreaking havoc throughout East Lansing. You may have Gamedayitis if you experience the following symptoms: 10.) Turning into a Shit-Talking Football Freak: In your everyday life you’re an incredible citizen. Kind, rational and respectful. But somethin’ about game day just turns you into the loudest, drunkest fan ever; crushing beer cans and throwing them at anyone who supports the opposing team. This is your destiny, Spartan. 9.) Drinking at 10 a.m.: Game day festivities begin earrrr-lay. If you live by the stadium, prepare to be awoken out of your weekend slumber by the early bird tailgaters. As soon as you hear the latest party song that Pitbull has a shitty feature in, you know it’s time to throw on your student section t-shirt and head down there. You should NOT be walking through those stadium doors unless you’re good ‘n drunk.
So You Forgot to Buy
Season Tickets Danielle Jacosalem wrote this
It all starts in the middle of the summer. Your friends start tweeting countdowns to football season. Emails from MSU Athletics bombard your inbox. You dream of throwing back Rolling Rocks decked out in green and white striped overalls with Spartan alumni. But while you’re dreaming of Spartan Stadium, real life is going on around you— you know, paying for food, gas, and other things you need to survive. Before you know it, it’s August and student section tickets are sold out. The question is, what next? Your first option is obvious—check out Facebook. There’s always someone who can’t make it to the game, or a son of a bitch who sells their tickets for profit. By checking out the Buy/Sell Tickets group, you can easily get into a game. Be wary of someone trying to rip you off. Tickets are usually around 25 dollars, maybe less for a school we all know we’ll destroy, no offense to our Eastern homies. Big-name games like Michigan and Ohio State will definitely run on the expensive side, but know when you’re paying too much. If you find yourself paying over 150 bucks for a ticket, you’ve gone too far. Make sure whoever you bought the ticket from transfers it by noon of the day before the game; even better, meet up on campus and exchange in person. That way, you don’t get surprised at the gate when you realize all you did was pay for a stranger’s alcohol. Your second option is to just get hammered—you can’t feel bad about not going to the game if you can’t feel anything at all. If you’re the type of person who enjoys tailgating more than the game itself, this is your best option. Instead of shelling out 175
bucks for season tickets to games that you’re going to leave halfway through, you might as well invest that money on Whiskey and Co. LLC. Get yourself a cheap little tent, mix a drink, and get the play-by-play from the Sportscenter app. This way, you’re still on campus and you’re still enjoying the spirit of football season. There’s only one catch— unless you have a group of friends willing to do the same, you might find yourself alone in your tent while the rest of the gang heads off to Spartan Stadium. Bond with your fellow forgetters and make a group, fire up the grill. Your third option isn’t much consolation for the beginning of the season, but still a pretty good option. Once the weather gets cold, invite your friends to watch the game with you. Bribe them with warmth and hot drinks. Yes, the games are still a blast, but cold weather is a drag. There’s about two weeks of perfect fall weather in Michigan, then bam—hard nip season. If you’re not about freezing your ass off or drinking to the point of oblivion to stay warm, throw a party or head off to the bar. You’ll have all your friends in your warm place, watching the game and staying comfortable. You’re at a Big Ten school—if you’re not a football fan, Michigan State will make you one. There’s no feeling like singing your alma mater, celebrating a win, and cracking a beer with thousands of your fellow Spartans. You might have missed out this year, but you have the rest of your time in college to make up for it. After experiencing your first couple of games, you’re not going to want to miss a thing. So don’t be a jack wagon; remember your tickets next year.
8.) Interacting With Alumni: When have you ever spoken to an MSU alumni besides that one really distant uncle who went here in like, 1945? Tailgates are crawling with awesome alumni who are drunk off classy, expensive beer and always willing to share their food with you. 7.) And Speaking of Food, Becoming a Food/Tent Whore: You thought you were slick? Jumping from tent to tent and trying everyone’s food? They know, we all know: You’re a food whore. 6.) Eating Meat off a Stick: Maybe you like to make kebabs in your spare time; we don’t know your life. But we do know the most likely place to find a kebab is the parking lot on game day. 5.) Swaying to “MSU Shadows”: Yes, you will sway. We don’t know how often you sway in your everyday life, but you will be swaying your heart out when everyone in the student section starts to put their arms around each other while singing this song. And doggone it, you better know the words. 4.) Immediately Judging Anyone Who Isn’t Wearing Green: “Wait… is that kid wearing a navy blue polo shirt? Is he serious? TODAY OF ALL DAYS? Let’s get him!” You will become suspicious of anyone who isn’t sporting Spartan colors, and rightfully so. But don’t terrorize innocent students who, unaware that a game is even going on, simply had the misfortune of donning blue or “maize” clothing. 3.) Doing Your Good Luck Thing: The only reason that MSU won that one game was because of you, and because you were wearing your lucky green socks. Obviously. So you must wear them every game for the rest of your life. The fate of the team lies with your socks! Don’t screw this up! 2.) Standing for Long Periods of Time: You stand while you tailgate because who the heck remembered to bring portable chairs on move-in day? You stand in line. And you stand THE ENTIRE GAME so you can see and yell and chant. And you endure all this abnormal standing activity because of your love for MSU football. 1.) Yelling At Strangers: Sure, on any other day you wouldn’t approach a fellow Spartan and scream “GO GREEEEN!” in their face. But game day is special. And you can bet your sweet ass that this former stranger will give you an awesome chest bump and scream “YEAH! GO WHITE!” right back at’cha. Katelyn Hallup wrote this
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HOT DADS are Important, Go Have Sex with One Halie Woody wrote this
Inside all of us lies an American Beauty fantasy of getting our brains railed out by a hot dad. Where this fantasy derives from varies with each person; some of us grew up lusting over our best friend’s dad, others bloomed later in life observing the silver foxes in our day-to-day lives out at the grocery store or at the park. You can’t ignore your throbbing vagina when you glance at a DILF, and now it’s time to explore this lifelong fantasy of tasting the dad dick via MSU football tailgates. There’s no better place on earth for a plethora of sexy dads than a MSU tailgate. You walk around campus and see hundreds upon hundreds of Spartan guys that you visualize being taken to pound town with. These fine young boys will grow into successful hot men and eventually into a goddamn beautiful DILF. It’s a wonderful thing to watch your fellow Spartan men age like fine wine. So if college-aged Spartans are Andre, then these Dom Perignon daddies really do bust their bubbly. The reason ladies love dads is because their dick game is always three hunnit. DILFs have years of practice and the stamina to keep going unlike young dudes, who have grown accustomed to cumming freaky fast and leaving their lady high and dry. At tailgates there are alumni, families and students gathered on sidewalks reliving their college days by getting piss drunk while watching our Rose Bowl-winning team kick major ass. Within all those different groups you’ll come across DILF city, population: infinite. Get lubed up because you’ve got dads to drill and beers to smash. After you’ve managed to throw back a brew or 12, start scoping out the tailgate scene. Tailgates are essentially the eighth wonder of the world for young
horny college sluts. It’s the land of opportunity for those seeking to get dicked down by a hot dad. Not only are they hot, but also there’s a huge chance they’re also rich, which is the kitty’s titties for broke bitches worldwide. You’ve basically hit the lazy whore lottery and may not even need your college degree! To ensure you can give up on your college education you’re going to have to make sure you take the proper steps to score a new daddy. When approaching a brood of DILFs, make sure you’re drunk enough to be funny and outgoing, but not to the point where you’re speaking in tongues. It’s also important that you’re decked out in some Spartan sports attire; you have to make it known you fucking love sports. Speaking of which, it’s advisable to know what is going on during the actual football game (or at least pretend to). Talking about the plays and all that bullshit will get his dad dick all kinds of warm and fuzzy. Once you’ve managed to break the ice a bit with whichever hot daddio you’re hitting on, let him feel young again by asking him to play a game of beer pong with you or do a keg stand and let a titty pop out while you’re upside down to give him a sneak peek of what goods you’re working with. Hit him with some comedy to assure him you’re not only smoking hot, but also a funny bitch. Keep the jokes in his caliber, classic dad jokes like “Want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it’s too cheesy.” If this DILF doesn’t whip his dick out after a line like that, then he’s a poser. This school year is your time to grab the dad dick by the balls and conquer tailgates better than any frat fuck boy! So get your green and white on it’s time to hunt some DILFs.
Zeke the Wonder Dog’s
Guide to Game Day Jack Harder wrote this
Gather ‘round Spartans, young and old. Sit. Stay. Shake. Another year has kicked off at Michigan State University, and with it comes the beginning of the kickoffs that will have the Spartan Dawgs dominating the division once again. My name is Zeke. I’m that adorable yellow Lab that’s responsible for keeping Spartan Stadium on their hind legs no matter the score, the weather, or the number of fine, fit females lining the student section. You may have heard me referred to as “The Wonder Dog,” as I’ve been pulling stunts that Air Bud could only dream of since before you were born. I have one simple goal: to keep even the most skeptical of football fans fighting for the good ole’ Green and White. It may look like I’m licking my balls, but really, I’m just gearing up to show you how to score as we howl in unison towards victory for MSU. You don’t do time like I do without learning a few things to make your game day prime for watching pigskin: Sit Pretty: I’ll be growling hard if I see your drunk ass taking off before the halftime show. Aside
06
from missing my astounding arena skills, you’ll also neglect that confounded ball-under-thethree-cups game. You’ll think you’ve got it until the last ten seconds when all the cups go berserk and it becomes doggone impossible to figure out which cup you had your eyes on in the first place. As fun as it is, it drives me barking mad! Don’t forget the most important part though! Stay where you are because the Spartans still need to power on for 30 more minutes of football! Gimme a Treat: Don’t pull a Pavlov and sit around drooling over what could be! Enjoy your own frosty beverage of choice in order to give you the courage to go doggy style and bring the bone to the bitch of your choice. Just remember to sit and stay until you’re called. I’ve learned if you offer her your snausage before the time is right, you’ll be howling at the moon alone.
the last place you want to end up tonight is in the pound!
Heel!: Gather your dawgs and make a plan to stick together. If you get separated, your bitch may end up sniffing out somebody else’s butt. That’s not the worst of it though, as you could get ruffed up yourself if you’re not careful. Mark your territory among some close friends, because
Fetch: Some of you are reading this thinking about when that pampered poodle Gretchen Wieners tried to make this work as a term of endearment, but it’s got serious implications now that you are a Spartan. If your dawg is sniffin’ some hide, it’s time to bust out your top tricks.
“I’ll be growling hard if I see your drunk ass taking off before the halftime show.” Nothing pleases a collection of canines more than a good “roll-over” or a catch of the Frisbee (trust me, I should know!). However, a show-off ends up being what I call a Cockblocker Spaniel. Have your bro’s back, and know that if you line him up with the Chihuahua tonight, next week he owes you a shot at the Lassie you’ve been longing for.
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The Brave Little Hoke-ster Victoria Martin wrote this
It was two weeks until the football season kicked off. The 2014 preseason College Football Playoff Committee Conference, headed by Jeff Long, was coming to an end. Everyone who was anyone was there. The 45-minute debate on animal cheerleaders had just been settled: a firm no. Disgruntlement was in the air and people needed to stretch their legs to calm down. Brady Hoke was just finishing up in the bathroom, still visibly upset by the fact that he couldn’t have turtles and fainting goats to cheer on the University of Michigan Wolverines this season. Staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, wondering what he would look like if he went blonde—dirty not platinum—Brady Hoke saw the stall farthest to the back wall slowly open. Out waltzed Mark Dantonio looking chill AF. Brady started sweating a little bit. He didn’t know how to act around a coach, Dantonio nonetheless, in a setting that wasn’t the football field. By the time Hoke could muster up the courage to say anything, it was too late, Dantonio was out the door. Kicking some imaginary dirt on the ground, Hoke started back to the spot that would be his Chair of Boredom for the remaining 6 hours. He really wanted a meatball marinara, but frivolously spent his last $5 on a Diet Mountain Dew and a bag of chips that was filled with air. He meant to
get regular Mountain Dew but clicked D4 instead of D5. Before his feet took him any further, Brady Hoke caught something from the corner of his eye, a black-and-white composition notebook on top of the toilet in the stall that Mark Dantonio was using. Thinking it was probably nothing, Hoke kept walking. But he really, really didn’t want to go back to his seat yet, so he turned around and began to flip through what he assumed to be Dantonio’s toilet reading material. A small amount of gravy dripped from his agape mouth. Could it be? Yes. Mark Dantonio’s playbook. The one true Bible of strategy that could solve all of Hoke’s problems, possibly even his incontinence. Brady Hoke was staring at all of the plays the Michigan State Spartans executed beautifully last season—the very plays that brought them to the Rose Bowl game. There was the ‘Ol Razzle Dazzle, the 749 Titty Twister, and even the Rumplemister 09. They were all there! Hoke couldn’t tell if his eyes were tearing up out of jealously because of how badly it smelled in the stall. All that was going to through his mind was the thought of using MSU’s own plays on the Spartans this season. “How embarrassing would that be, pullin’ one on DanBronio?”
Hoke was giggling like a schoolgirl as he was snapping pictures of every page with his Verizon LG enV Touch. Around the 4th page, the bathroom door opened and Brady Hoke heard the soft tap of shoes that could only be worn by one man: Salvatore Ferragamo Carmelo Plain Toe Oxfords. Dantonio was coming back for his playbook. Hoke’s heart was beating uncontrollably. It was too late to run. He had no other choice but to jump up
and push each limb against the walls of the stall. It felt like it was 1,000 degrees in that inescapable box of bad timing. One single bead of sweat ran down the middle of Hoke’s forehead. “This is it. This is how it ends,” he thought. The stall lock slowly began to move, Hoke’s entire life flashed before his eyes. To be continued…
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5 Signs You Know Absolutely Nothing about MSU Football Molly Burford Wrote This
As football season kicks off, East Lansing residents and Michigan State University students alike band together to celebrate their beloved Spartan football. However, one local man and his wife have been exiled from East Lansing after a fatal ordering mistake at Olive Garden.
Football is one of America’s
greatest sports for people of all ages and genders to tailgate, drink copious amounts of beer, and watch men in tight pants grope each other. It’s great! But there are many people who are ignorant about football, so here is a list of five signs you might be one of them. For you, the climax of the football game is Zeke the Wonder Dog: Who gives a shit about interceptions, close scores, and sneaky fake field goals? Not you! The best part of the game is when the perfect, adorable, four-legged friend, Zeke the Wonder Dog, enters the field. In fact, you leave right after because you don’t see the point in staying any longer. When you heard “shotgun formation,” all you could envision was an Ohio wedding: That’s how most weddings happen in Ohio, right? Some dude impregnates his cousin or the girl next door and they’re forced to elope for the sake of their bastard child in a shotgun-style wedding. In football, it’s actually an offensive formation. You thought the Heisman was the German equivalent of an Oscar: Not quite, although at this point, Leo has a better bet at winning one
Local Man Thinks “Dantonio” is a Pasta Dish at Olive Garden
of these than an Oscar. You thought Mark Dantonio was a model, not a football coach: While we do agree that the silver fox Dantonio should consider a side job modeling, he’s actually Michigan State’s head football coach, you ignorant heathen. You contacted PETA when you hear someone say, “toss the old pigskin around”: Doesn’t that just sound God-awful? Throwing around a deceased animal’s carcass? “What about a proper burial, you sick fucks?” You think; but fret not, our little activist! This is actually a reference to a football. Sound like you? Don’t apply for Canadian citizenship just yet—they too have football! Just drink beer and yell at the TV screen with everyone else; you’ll fit right in!
“I ordered ‘the Dantonio’ because I thought it was some kind of pasta.” said diner Mitchell Jones. “I kept hearing ‘Dantonio this, Dantonio that,’ it sounded like a creamy pasta dish.” “We were all at Olive Garden, because we just wanted real Italian food, “ said his wife, Nancy, wringing her hands in her lap. “We didn’t want this! Now we can never go back!” The waiter, MSU senior Sam Nordstrom, said he couldn’t believe his ears when he heard the order. “I asked him if he had ever heard of Mark Dantonio. He looked perplexed and said he hadn’t. I just started screaming like the chocolate
guy from SpongeBob. I’ve never been so angry in my entire life.” The manager, Bill Mandude ran over to see what the fuss was about. “Nordstrom has had some issues with this kind of outburst before,” the manager revealed. “But when I found out what the reason was, I was proud of him for being so levelheaded. I’m considering giving him a promotion.” Things quickly escalated. Cooks paraded out of the kitchen with makeshift torches; fellow diners began throwing meatballs and spaghetti. The couple was beaten
with breadsticks then chased out of the restaurant. When they got home, their nightmare had yet to end, however. “All of our couches were burned, and their ashes spelt out, ‘leave EL NOW!’” said Nancy. “I really wish I had just ordered the unlimited salad and breadsticks,” mourned Mitchell. Since the incident, the Joneses have been exiled from East Lansing after a petition with 3 million signatures was made in aftermath of the event. The Joneses have relocated to an unbeknownst location.
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nice and sticky.
Major: Political theory and Russian
Mix two animals to make your own spirit animal: Snake and mongoose
Favorite Drink: Gentleman Jack, one cube Favorite Shot: Mach 5 Disgusting Drink: Well tequila What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: Liquid Marijuana How do you make it?: Hypnotic, Triple Sec, 151
BRANDON of STATESIDE THE DRINKING GAME SLURRED SYLLABUS It may be time to start school again...but in the same breath, it’s always time to tackle a handle of whiskey on your own. Everyone and their mother knows you’re never going to read your syllabus until you need to prove your professor wrong, so we thought you could use some motivation. Saddle up for what’s left of Syllabus Week with us and take a whack at our syllabus challenge: What You’ll Need: A copy of your syllabus (c’mon, you can find it!), a handle of whiskey. Number of Players: Just yourself, brother. Level of Intoxication: Enough to turn Syllabus Week into Syllabus Month. How to Play: This game is short, but it requires you to
go all-in. You’ll need to read through your syllabus and take a stiff drink every time one of the following things happens. Drink When: - One of your required texts cost more money than you make in a semester. - You finally muster up the courage to buy a book for class and find out it’s the wrong edition after reading through more carefully. - Your professor’s name has no vowels. - You have to look up the building where your class is, fully knowing you’ll never see the inside anyway. - You read about the university’s cheating policy and briefly consider morals before concluding: “Fuck it.” - The professor requires you
to attend every lecture and discussion section, despite how many Irish car-bombs you did with that fat homeless dude outside of the bar. - You try to count how many assignments you have throughout the semester for each class and then your eyes roll back into your head, you somehow end up on YouTube watching replays from the VMAs and you’re back to square one. *Drink in Celebration and You Win the Game If: You get lucky as SHIT and all of your midterms are “takehome tests.” THERE IS A GOD. The Game Ends When: You finally blossom into the true alcoholic you are and must drop out of the university to get some help.
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If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Fireball, so I get
Where have those hands been, mister?: On your girlfriend Given the opportunity to abolish the existence of one clothing item, what do you choose?: Bra What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: Gee willikers Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s funny.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER THE “OH S***, I FORGOT HOW TO COOK” STIR-FRY Welcome back to school! You’ve spent the past three months receiving home-cooked meals from mommy and daddy, but now it’s time to get a nice, fresh slap in the face from reality: It’s time to start cooking for yourself again. This is always a difficult transition for any college student, but we’re here to help with some homemade stir fry. What You’ll Need: WHATEVER IS EDIBLE AND WITHIN 20 FEET. What We Used: 2 packages of ramen noodles, ½ lbs. of ground beef, 2 cups of rice, all the broccoli from a HungryMan TV Dinner. Fatty Factor: Write your will now, who knows if you’ll make it out of this one alive. Let’s Get Baked: - Start by heating up your stove-top pan.
- Once you realized you forgot to defrost the meat, put a large cup of water in the microwave for two minutes and place the meat inside the cup to defrost within minutes. Problem solved. - Take your half-cooked meat and flop it on your lukewarm pan. Let it simmer for about six minutes. - MULTI-TASK: Cook your rice in the microwave (you can even use the same cup of water to save time) while your meat cooks on the stove. - You’ll want to begin cooking your ramen noodles in a pot next to your pan. Let the noodles boil for about three minutes and then drain the water from the noodles. - Using the same pot, put your broccoli from your Hungry-Man box in and boil until cooked to a desirable texture.
- By this point your meat should be done on the stove-top, place everything in a bowl and stir wildly with a large spoon. - You’ll want to dump as much salt on this as possible. It will both protect you from any errors in cooking by masking the taste, as well as soaking up any extra water that may have not been fully drained. - Before you eat, make sure there’s someone to supervise you while you consume your dinner. You may need someone there to call 9-1-1. Without mom and dad around, things can get pretty tough. But with cooking tips like these, you’ll find it easy to fend for yourself without your parents guiding hand. Just remember: Cooking’s not difficult, it’s all about your perspective on the final product.
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What Does Your Tailgating Beverage
Say About You? By: Brendan With the college football season finally here college students the country over will be setting up folding tables, collapsible pavilions, and coolers of ice-cold drinks to tailgate before they take in an amazing victory against formidable opponents or a shameful defeat against some guys who totally cheated. But, most importantly, there will be drinks. So many drinks. Drinks of all varieties, colors and flavors. So, what do you drink when you’re tailgating, and more importantly, what does that say about you?
Tailgating Beverages
Drink: Keystone Light Class of Crap: The Cheapest Generic Cans Around Generic Personality Stereotype: Standard College Student Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Then my mom was like, ‘Justin, you have to get a job if you’re going to be spending all of this money going out each week, your father and I can’t afford all of this, he sold that Corvette for you to go here and that was his prized possession.’ I was all, ‘but mom, I’m taking 16 credit hours this semester, and then I’m the treasurer of my frat and if I’m studying too that’s another 16 hours a week—total lie, by the way—and that’s like 40 hours. If college is preparing me for working in the real world shouldn’t I be working like 40 hours a week, LIKE I AM, MOM?’ She cried a little bit, but hey, afterward she put $200 into my account and yeah, that’s how I got this case.”
Drink: Budweiser Class of Crap: Dad’s Coming to Visit, and He’s Bringing His Friend Bud Generic Personality Stereotype: Football Fanatic Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Yeah, I went to my first game here back in ’97 when we were ranked and we had those national title hopes. Dad brought me when mom was still around. Now that he lives out of state these games are a real bonding session for us. He let me have my first beer here when I was twelve as long as I promised not to tell mom that he’d let me do it. It bums me out sometimes when he brings his new wife Karen and it’s less of a him-and-me thing, but he’ll always bring a case of the good stuff so we can drink and talk about the old times and stuff. Karen doesn’t understand a lot of those stories, but she’s deaf in one ear from spending all that time on the road with Def Leppard, so maybe she just doesn’t hear the good parts.”
Drink: Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA
Drink: Yellowtail Shiraz
Class of Crap: What Are We Even Doing at This Game, Liam?
Class of Crap: High-Octane Fun Juice
Generic Personality Stereotype: Prefers European Football
Generic Personality Stereotype: Sorority Super-Senior
Thirty Seconds With this Person: “And this just something most university kids over here do, right? That’s neat, I guess. Back overseas we do a similar thing with our football—hah, you chaps have it all wrong, you know what right?— but it’s all about club stuff. We’ll get pretty on the piss and just holler at the other fans until we’re hoarse. You guys, we saw a kid with, Liam what as it called, a ‘beer bong?’ A novelty, certainly. The guy doing it, though, he spit out half of his beer! This one, this beer was $4 just for a single one, but I do suppose that entire 30-pack of beer was something like, $12, aye?
Drink: Whiskey and Coke Class of Crap: Beer is Gross, but Drinking Outside is Fun. Generic Personality Stereotype: Yet-to-beIndoctrinated Freshman Thirty Seconds With this Person: “College, bro! College! Can you believe this shit? Like, I haven’t talked to my parents in two weeks and that kid over there is drinking in public and that kid over there is drinking in public and that kid over there is drinking in public and it’s like, HOLY CRAP! Don’t tell anyone, but there’s some Jack in this Coke—my roommate’s older sister got it for us. I figured, man, beer is way too bitter for me and I wanna keep this buzz I got on the DL in case the cops come by. Brian’s around here somewhere with an empty water bottle filled with the rest of our bottle, we’re gonna try to sneak it into the game so we can keep drinking. Can you believe this? THIS IS COLLEGE-- I LOVE COLLEGE.
Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Seeing all those little froshies rushing was just like, ‘hand over the red and the white,’ you know? They were so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and I’m walking in the back door of the house five minutes late reeking of Marlboro Lights and Kevin’s body wash. Another year of that shit, so when this tailgate came up I was like, ‘Yes, get me out of that world for like, fifteen minutes.’ Actually, I’m pretty done with this whole college thing—I wish I woulda just come in as a comm. major, but my parents really pushed me to do pre-med and now all I really know is that I better get a job in New York, or the cirrhosis of this liver is happening sooner rather than later.”
Drink: Smirnoff Iced Cake Class of Crap: Who Cares About the Game? Generic Personality Stereotype: Shit-Show Showoff Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Listen, I don’t want to throw up now, but I definitely plan on throwing up later. Hey, wait is that Brianna over there? Hold on a sec—Brianna…BRIANNA! HEY BETCH HOW YOU DOIN’? Wanna take a pull of this Smirnoff? No? You’re good? Ok, but I’m gonna do one real quick here. ::takes huge pull:: Anyway, yeah, I mean what’s the point of getting up at 7:30a.m. if I can’t just get a quick vom sesh in, bomb out during this boringas-hell game, then do it all again later, right? ::burps:: Ew, that one was a little pukey, doesn’t mix with cake at all. Who are we playing today, the Touchdowns or something?”
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Drunk Freshman Scales Spartan Stadium Uncle Waz wrote rhis
“Considering the fact I applied to Michigan State soley to watch football, I would not go lightly into the night,” said Matt Toren in a recent interview with The Black Sheep. “I got what I wanted, even if it may have been just an okay time.” After Toren was accepted into MSU, his main goal for college—like most nineteen-year-olds that show up on East Lansing’s doorstep—was to buy football tickets and get in line obscenely early for each game. “My best friend from high school and I had it all mapped out, how we would try and be in the front row for each game, including the ultimate matchup against Jacksonville.” Alas, tragedy befell Matt before he could achieve his dreams. “The tickets were sold out,” said Matt, forlornly looking toward Spartan Stadium. “I was heartbroken. There wasn’t a greater tragedy in the world than that moment my email claimed I had not been fast enough in purchasing tickets. But…I couldn’t stop there, not after I had spent time skimming a few articles on ESPN about MSU’s upcoming football season.” Toren decided to get what he wanted in any way that he could. Logically, he found the best plan after pondering ideas for roughly page ad last = 5” w night. X 5.5” h the wall!” exclaimed Matt. “It’d be five minutes Friday “Scale so simple. Find a few footholds, and climb up into the student section.” Matt proceeded to haphazardly climb up his loft for practice. On the day of the game, an hour before kickoff, Matt’s procedure was almost complete. “I was about five feet from reaching the ledge when a lady started screaming, blowing my cover,” reminisced Matt. “You see, it’s technically illegal to climb up and sneak in without a ticket, but I thought, who would even notice me, especially if I was disguised in
forest green and white?” The Black Sheep found the aforementioned troubled citizen and asked about her experience: “I was absolutely terrified for him!” cried worried mom Julie Haverbrooks. “That boy was so high up and I screamed and screamed. Fellow tailgaters and local ticket scalpers ran to my aid, but I could only continue to wail, too frightened for words.” At the time this story was printed Haverbrooks was still visibly startled. “I don’t know why she started screaming, but I was so close to reaching the student section, I couldn’t look back,” claimed Toren. “After I climbed over the edge, I was able to quietly stumble into a group of people, and watched the game until halftime.” “I had never seen anything like it,” stated Jim Bradly, local ticket puncher at Spartan Stadium. “He climbed with the speed of a jaguar, yet had the coordination of what appeared to be a drunk freshman. I watched the moon landing and witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall, but in all my years, a feat such as this was the most immaculate action I’ve had the pleasure of spectating.”
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When asked why he only watched until halftime, Matt replied: “I found it to be an okay time, but there weren’t enough guys in costumes throwing balls at each other. It was such a lackluster experience. I mean, there weren’t any fireworks or animals involved. Why would people gather and watch it?” Matt ended the interview claiming he was looking forward to basketball season since he heard players rode horses for part of the game and wore fancy hats. “I’m truly a fan of actual entertainment. Do you know which channel the Food Network is on?”
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