Michigan State - Issue 2 - 1/16/2014 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 10, Issue 2

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

FRE

E.. ICE . LIKE CRE SNO AM W !

1/16/14 - 1/22/14

GIRL EXHAUSTS NETFLIX, FINDS NARNIA IN LAX

BY: ADDIE LAZZELL EAST LANSING, MI- Sarah Wright, a student at Michigan State University, has something on her resume that’s turning heads. She traveled down to Pasadena for the 2014 Rose Bowl, and deciding to spend a few extra days there, returned to East Lansing the Sunday before classes started. She ended up with an intriguing venture back to East Lansing. With the massive snowstorm that hit the Midwest, school closed for what Michigan State University is officially calling “two-ish days,” but opened with time enough for the men’s basketball game to take place Tuesday evening. Unable to get a flight to Detroit, Sarah was left stranded in LAX from January 5th to January 12th. It was during this time frame that Wright single handedly viewed every show, movie, and documentary that Netflix has to offer. “Being stranded wasn’t that bad. I had packed a bunch of snacks, and Netflix added a bunch of new shows after the New Year, so I was pretty much set as far as my basic needs go,” Wright noted in her official statement. “At first I just wanted to watch Breaking Bad, but once that was finished, I couldn’t stop. I finally developed a system. During the day, I would watch movies; at night, I would watch shows. After the first two days, I forgot to eat and sleep. Netflix had become my life. Plus, after I watched everything in the foreign movies section, I kind of lost my appetite...” Sarah watched literally everything on Netflix from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo trilogy to a Julia Styles film aptly titled It’s a Disaster. “I even endured the 93 minutes of Katy Perry’s Part of Me. That’s when I truly began to understand that, between my boredom and my desperate situation, I had hit rock bottom,” Wright commented. “It got to the point where I just kept looking for things to watch, anything really. I was so deprived of human contact during my Netflix binge, that I was thankful when some homeless men found me and kept me company in the parking lot for a while. They enjoyed Barney and Friends. We also re-watched Lost, and it still doesn’t make any sense.” After hours of constant Netflix viewing, Sarah recognized that she hadn’t used the restroom in over 48 hours. “It was scary. I had no idea any human could get so distracted by television that they would forget to go

to the bathroom. I was mortified when I realized I was on the brink of peeing my pants, so I left my newfound homeless friends to take care of myself.” The LAX bathroom became a place of refuge for Sarah as she recovered from her Netflix addiction. She did not leave the handicap stall for the next day and a half. “It was ridiculous. We couldn’t clean the bathrooms properly, and travelers were starting to complain that she was talking to herself in there, which made it difficult to go to the bathroom in peace,” said LAX employee, Margaret Stites.

“I couldn’t leave the handicap stall,” Sarah stated, “It wasn’t long after I entered it to relieve myself that I realized it was my Narnia. I needed a place where I could escape the reality of my situation, if only briefly, so I had to stay,” Sarah stated when asked about her handicap stall stay. After further investigation, it is possible that Sarah Wright’s experience in “Narnia”, a fictional place popularized by C.S. Lewis, could be a side effect of overexposure to Netflix. “Narnia is a real place, you people can never take that away from me,” was Sarah’s response when confronted with this possibility.

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POST SYLLABUS-WEEK BLUES STRIKE AGAIN

HOW TO MAKE YOUR GROUP PROJECT FAMILY LOVE YOU

THE DRUNKEN HEART-TOHEART

TWO SNOW DAYS DURING SYLLABUS WEEK MAKES FOR ONE TERRIBLE RETURN TO REALITY.

IF YOU’RE ALL OUT OF STUDY-PILLS, YOU CAN STILL HAVE YOUR GROUP SWOONING.

ARE YOU AN OPEN BOOK AFTER YOU OPEN A FEW BEERS? HERE’S OUR GUIDE TO OVER-SHARING.

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ON THE STREETS

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TEN

WHAT WOULD A REALITY TV SHOW STARRING YOU BE CALLED?

ALTERNATIVES TO BUILDING SNOWMEN BY: MSU STAFF

Remember a few years ago when winter just decided not to show up in Michigan? Well, apparently Jack Frost is paying us back this year, with interest. Between killer ice storms and something called a “polar vortex” (whatever the hell that is), we’ve already seen enough “wintry mix” to last us until February. You know the old saying “when life gives you eight inches of snow, make a snow-bar!” Here are our top 10 alternatives to building lame snowmen in your yard.

Lilli, Junior

10.) Life-sized statue of Mark Dantonio: You’re going to need a lot of snow for this one, and possibly your cool friend who does ice sculptures for weddings as a side-job. Be sure to include an ice ball for the heart, as we all know Mark Dantonio knows no sympathy for his enemies. Also, if you don’t use at least a wheelbarrow’s worth of snow for the crotch-region, you’re doing it wrong.

Post Syllabus-Week Blues “Bad Luck Lilli.”

STRIKES AGAIN

9.) Beer slide: Have a case of beer? Build a beer-slide! The options are endless, but here’s a tip: make sure your slide is smooth enough to properly dispense beer. You don’t want to have to demolish your creation to get that last ‘Stone out of there. 8.) Snow penis: Nothing says “I’m in college but still as immature as I was in sixth grade” like building a big ole dick out of snow. Passersby will take note of your ice-dong and either marvel appreciatively or shake their head in disgust. For the haters, pop out of the tip and nail them with some snow balls (extra swag points for putting sperm tails on your snowballs).

BY: ZOË KREMKE

m o re Amy, Sopho

As Spartans, we know the story of Winter Welcome Week all too well. Coming off of Christmas, New Years, Kwanzaa, the Winter Solstice, or whatever the hell else you celebrate, the only viable option upon return to East Lansing is to extend the party. After all, what are you going to do in class this week? Look over “unique” syllabuses that are essentially identical? Participating in Winter Welcome Week is, undoubtedly, the best way to fill your time and stave off winter’s cold. Still, after all the fun you had during Welcome Week, you had to have known that life would eventually return to normal. You told yourself repeatedly that this was going to happen, that the fun and frivolity of carefree college life could only last so long. But, deep down, we both know you were hoping it was never going to end. It was this optimism that makes this week, Post-Syllabus-Week, the hardest week of each semester. Every time it rolls around, you think you’re prepared. You’re ready to attack the mile-high stacks of homework, fully engaged for each and every review session that you have to attend.

“Suite Life of Amy.”

h o m o re Caitlin, Sop

“This is the semester that I show Michigan State University what I’m truly made of,” you say to yourself, standing in front of your mirror, proudly sporting the reading glasses you never wear. Yet, every semester, you are proved wrong. It’s when what we at The Black Sheep call “Post Syllabus-Week Blues” kicks in. It is a lethal, heart-breaking sickness that attacks young, innocent college students who just want to enjoy their youth. There are only two paths to take once you catch The Blues. You can accept your fate and put too much stock in studying. You’ll lose sight of yourself, and begin to exhibit the side effects that have been known to include, but are not limited to sleep deprivation, binge coffee drinking, extreme Adderall addiction, apathy, and a complete and total lack of interest in putting on real pants. You will become a shell of yourself, excepting weekends when you will show a miraculous sign of recovery, only to take a turn for the worst come Monday. It’s a teasing, cruel sickness that eats away at your soul. The other path you can choose is chancy, and could be just as dangerous as The Blues itself. You could stop caring. You heard us right, the other way of fighting off The Blues is to shirk all of your responsibilities, and discover that laziness is the most wonderful thing that you will ever experience. To successfully engage in this curing method, sleep late. Don’t purchase any of your required textbooks. In fact, drop a class or two; you don’t need to be sporting 17 credits, that’s overkill, my friend. If you take a completely nonchalant approach to your academic lie this semester, it’s likely the Post-Syllabus-Week Blues will only give you trouble for a handful of days, or possibly not at all. Be warned that your new laid-back way of life will cause “The Guilty, Unemployed, and SelfDestroying Cold” to prey on you, or the “Scrub Flu” to infect your easy going state of mind. Both of these sicknesses are just as, if not more, abhorrent than The Blues, so it’s a high-risk toss-up.

“I Love Caitlin.”

As we enter this season, test new ways to keep The Blues at bay. If you come up with anything, we at The Black Sheep would love to hear your thoughts. You can find us camped out under a tent of blankets eating an entire box of fudgsicles. The Blues life is a hard one.

7.) Ice bar: This one takes some craftsmanship and especially cold temperatures, but if done correct can be a real party starter. Construct a full-sized bar out of snow, then get yourself a spray bottle full of cold water. Case the entire bar with water, wait several hours, and BAM! Ice bar complete. 6.) Igloo: So you’re feeling like a real Frank Lloyd Wright? Bundle up and start stackin’ bricks, because that’s what it will take to make a proper igloo. If you want to look like a real Inuit expert, use an old shoebox as a mold for your bricks. 5.) Snow boobs: What’s better than real boobs? Nothing. But snow boobs are pretty close. Construct a sexy pair of icy knockers and proceed to take inappropriate pictures with your friends. Be sure not to forget the nipples, otherwise people might think you’re sucking on snow balls. 4.) Your Greek letters: Feeling extra Greeky and want the world to know? Build your letters in front of your house. Be sure to take plenty of pictures, because it will only be a matter of time before those godless, communist GDIs come to wreck your creation. 3.) Ambush wall: Let’s be honest, you probably hate your neighbors (or like them enough to fuck with them). Build a huge wall in your front yard to hide behind, then wait until they emerge for their Monday 8 a.m. Throw enough white powder at them to bring Whitney Houston back from the dead. 2.) Gnarly jump: We’ve all made sled jumps as kids, now it’s time for the college version. Build a ramp off your roof with a huge jump at the end. Get your sled, snowboard, or skis and hit that mofo hard. First one to make it across the street without a broken bone wins! 1.) Sparty: The holy grail of snow sculptures. While other schools make lumpy-ass snowmen, Spartans have a better model to create. If you take a picture of a well-made Snow Sparty and send it to us, we’ll make sure the world sees it.

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JUST THE TIPS:

Make Your Group Project Family Love You BY: BOB RODRIGUEZ

You noticed way back during syllabus week the dreaded phrase “group project” in that unholy document that lets you know exactly how much class-skipping you can get away with, your syllabus. And if we know anything about college, it’s that group projects are worse than RAs. Group projects are always easier when someone else does all the work for you. Keeping that in mind, TBS has come up with a few suggestions on how to make everyone in your group like you more than Paula Deen likes butter. First things first, personal hygiene is over. The key to making a lasting first impression is to smell like a solid three weeks of body odor. Nothing says I’m going to hardcore sexually fantasize about this person for the rest of the semester like the smell of expired cod fish, cigarette smoke, and unexceptional living standards. Everyone loves stewing in his or her own filth, so don’t be shy. Hot yoga three times a week, sans shower? No problem! Adopting seven incontinent orphan pussycats that need a loving owner? There’s nothing better to have in a onebedroom apartment! By the time your group project deadline nears, you’ll be the envy of all your classmates and able to say with confidence, “Take that, Ke$ha.” You could also try staging a revolution. There’s always that one group member who loves the sound of his or her own voice, but unfortunately this individual is too blinded by self-involvement to understand how dumb they actually are. This person will try to control the group’s behavior, handwriting made up words like “supposably” and “prolifergate” all over a poster board. Make it your job to conspire with the other group members regarding a violent revolt against the cretin dictator. That way you can become the new dictator and tell everyone what to do

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP while you sit back and watch the commoners work. You’ll be popular in no time, respected for both your maturity and strength of character. Plus, like, everyone knows you’re better than the peasants you’ve been assigned to work with, so this is without a doubt the ideal situation for everyone involved. If the opportunity should present itself, borrow money from each group member and “promise” to pay them back. Remember how you felt when that one homeless guy came up to you and asked to borrow twenty dollars? It’s a fact—humans love when strangers ask for money. Even better, we all love loaning money to people we have no personal involvement with. Soon enough, though, your group members will start pestering you to pay them back, and that’s when you’ll seal the deal. Attracting friendly conversation using your personality is overrated, anyway. The best news is that if you never pay them back, they’ll be forced to maintain contact with you for a several solid months until they give up. Who knew making friends was so easy? Oh, that’s right. You did.

Pocket Breathalyzers: A Party Boy’s Party Toy BY: MSU STAFF There are eternal, universal tropes that make the college party scene what it is: the beer pong table, the creepy dude sitting by the music, the excessively drunk people crying on the couch…oh yeah, and the arrogant asshole who thinks he’s the life of the party. We couldn’t do it without you, buddy! What, with your coiffed hair and your Axe body spray, you pop your Polo collar knowingly because you, you sneaky bastard, have a plan to make this night better than ever before. You pull out your prized pocket breathalyzer, stroking your name that you had engraved onto the side, and get ready for the wild ride they call nightlife in East Lansing.

Of course there are many other ways to guarantee respect and camaraderie from your fellow group members—posting a daily selfie on the group project Facebook page, talking about how superior your religion is to that of your fellow group members, and eating with your mouth open, among other things.

BAC 0.0: As you walk into the party, your Sperry’s and shark-tooth necklace immediately catch the eye of everyone in the room. Paired with that glint in your eye, they just scream, “Look how fascinating I am!”Shots inevitably ensue, and more shots follow. Bro, this is so you. You make your first attempt at your breathalyzer as you walk into the kitchen like you own the place. Oh yeah, you’re the boss here. You’re ready for a night of questionable decisions. And this time, you’re not going to cry.

The truth is there is no such thing as a successful group project. Most end in a two to three month period of deep hatred toward humanity despite the shitty or wonderful grade you may have received. However, on the plus side, at least you’ll have yet another reason to have that “round one of grades is over” drink, or seven.

BAC .03: In the kitchen you run into that girl in your WRA class, it’s time to crank up the charm factor. She’s with some of her friends—they’re all stacked except for the fat one you’d totally “jokingly hook up with” after the other four turn you down-- and you know they all want to get with you in the hot tub out back, so you go in for the kill with your signature move:

you begin lecturing them about how they should all be making you a sandwich to prove their worth as women. They immediately disperse, even the fat one, and she probably loves sandwiches! Usually that’s a fail-proof pickup speech when combined with your dashingly handsome good looks and chiseled jaw line. Well, it was chiseled. Here, look at this picture of you in high school! BAC 0.11: You decide all the dudes at this party are totally gay and the girls are hatchetfaces for sure, totally. You post up next to the DJ, forcing your breathalyzer on him. He seems visibly uncomfortable, but hey, if you’re not willing to have a good time, go home, that’s what you always say. He blows a 0.0. He’s lame, but you expected this. As you point and laugh at him while walking away, you swear you hear him mutter, “What an asshole,” under his breath, but you must be mistaken. Nobody ever talks to you that way. BAC 0.19: Attractive females start flocking to you. Well, more so standing there talking to their friends, letting you walk up and talk to them. Like a gazelle to a lion, dude. You’re down for these bitches’ games. Everyone knows you’re the master of mind tricks and seduction. You find yourself with a tall brunette hottie, and even though she keeps saying she should really go find her boyfriend, you persuade her to try your breathalyzer just once under the pretense that you’ll “leave her alone” afterwards. Oh yeah, she’s totally digging on you. She blows barely above a .06. Lame. You blow a 0.28, and after waving off her advice that you should

maybe slow down, you move to kiss her. She slaps you and walks off. You shrug off the blow, convincing yourself that she wasn’t that cute, anyways. Big teeth and shit. You’re the man, you can do better. BAC 0.27: You’ve successfully lived your evening on the wild side thus far, and opt to keep the trend going. But, when you look around, you’re alone at the party. It seems everyone has left, or is avoiding eye contact with you. You look down and your shirt is covered in puke. Hah, hilarious party foul, bro! You leave the lame-sauce shindig and start to drunkenly

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angst-walk around East Lansing. You find yourself in Spartan Stadium with no knowledge of how you got there. You snap-chat your ex-girlfriend, not your best decision, but she should know exactly what a catch she lost. It isn’t long until you stumble into your house, where your roommates are watching TV. “What’s up, losers,” you wave at them. They roll their eyes, saying, “Dude, it’s like, a Tuesday. Did you really go out?”You honestly feel bad for them. They’ll never know what being this awesome feels like.

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The Drunken Heart-to-Heart: How To Deal With Over Sharing MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS

The Bar Grid

January 2010

help you get through the horror of your over share.

You wake up and your head is pounding. A half-eaten piece of pizza lays next to you, your jeans are still on, and for the life of you, you cannot seem to find your dignity--just a typical Saturday morning in East Lansing. Your phone buzzes with a message that reads, “Hey, hope u r doing ok today, girl. I’m always here if u need 2 talk!”

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints

Option One: Deny EVERYTHING Respond to your caring friend’s text with, “That’s sweet. Thanks! I’ll let you know if I ever have a problem. I rarely do, though. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I actually had any drama in my life or talked about it because nothing is really serious enough to be mentioned.”

Ruh roh.

$2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

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Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Wednesday Thursday Everyday! Friday (except: Saturday Wed.) Daily Specials: SATISFACTION SATURDAY! 31 1 2 Monday 9pm-Close

$3 Pints of Guinness, Harp, Smithwicks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints Live DJs All Night Long and Bass, $5 Car Bombs, $3 Jameson, DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks Bushmills, John Powers, Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Pints and $3.50 Calls 6 7 8 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3 Wells, Half-off Potato Skins, Irish Na DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts chos and Chicken Thumbs DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints $3.00 – Well Drinks Sunday All Day $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events 20 B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

Ladies DJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $2 Coors Light, 21 22 23 Miller Lite, Labatt DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Bud Light Platinums

28 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

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Sat. 1/18 Sun. 1/19 Mon. 1/20 Tues. 1/21 Wed. 1/22 Thur. 1/23

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

FREE COVER! $2.50 Beers, Pints, Wells $2.50 Washington Apples, Johnny Vegas, Soco Limes, Kamikazes

29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

FRIDAY: $3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

LADIES NIGHT THURSDAY Live DJ & NO COVER $2.75 Skinnygirl Drinks $2.75 Washington Apples $2.75 Sex On The Beach

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

30 DJ Beats

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott Rd D Donnie East Lansing MI 48823

TGI FRIDAY Live Music! $3.00 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Johnny Vegas and Jager Bombs

For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.

$2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

Go Green! Specials Run Monday-Sunday All Day & Night! Congratulations Spartans Rose Bowl Champs! $2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

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Closed.

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

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Book Harper’s & RUSH Special Events B-Days, Graduation, and Greek Functions!

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Your friend will both drop the subject entirely and come to the conclusion that you were too drunk to have any recollection of your conversation, or she may pursue the topic further and think you could definitely use more heart-to-hearts. If this happens, consider option two.

Last night, you and your new gal pal from ISS were having a drunken heart to heart on the second floor of McDonald’s along with a Big Mac, chicken nuggets, French fries, and impending heart disease. While you were blubbering over your 8th chicken nugget, you happened to reveal a little more about yourself than you would have liked to. Ever. You would not even tell a therapist the shit you disclosed last night and now your new friend knows enough about you to write a Lifetime movie.

Option Two: Become affiliated with a gang. Threaten person with said gang. This is an extreme, but guaranteed method of self-preservation that will definitely shut the second party up. However, be warned, it can also result in potential arrest. If this scares you, you’re a pansy, but go ahead and proceed to option three.

So, what now? Here at The Black Sheep, we acknowledge that saving face is important and are here with several options to

Option Three: Join witness protection program, move. What are you a witness to, exactly? Your own drunken stupidity, that’s what. Join the witness protection program. Move to a remote location with a new identity where you can start fresh. If moving sounds like too much of a hassle, especially after moving into the dorms, option four can be of help to you. Option Four: Hire a PR guy to do damage control. Who doesn’t think they’re cool enough to have their own personal PR team? Well, now your wildest dreams can come true. Hire a PR representative to do damage control on your supposedly wrecked image. They will do things like make witty Facebook statuses, make fake accounts of attractive people to like said statuses, give you a makeover, and a hug when you need one. Or you could always address the problem, as will be seen in option five. Option Five: Hold a press conference with a lawyer present. Hold a press conference at the cafeteria

for anyone who has nothing better to do and answer any questions involving your recent incident. Enlist a lawyer (or well-dressed law student, nobody will be able to tell the difference) to represent you and to support your right to decline answering any questions you do not feel comfortable discussing. AKA all of them. Option Six: Realize it’s not that big of a deal.

Everyone has their nights. Everyone also has their problems. Think your shit is messed up? We can guarantee you that the person you spilled your life story to has done or been through something equally as messed up, or will go through something of that nature eventually. And at least you’re not a cast member of Big Tips Texas, you’ll always have that going for you. So, let it go and stop drinking so much, you damn fish.

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the madlib

BARTENDER of the WEEK

so, about that new years resolution

When the clock struck midnight — well, after the ___1___wore off, like, ___2___days later — I was all about my New Year’s resolution. Because 2014 is the year of change. I’m going to lose ___3___ pounds, I’m going to 4.0 my ___4___ class, I’m going to finally land my dream internship at ___5___, and I’m going to find the love of my life. I thought I’d be able to accomplish all of that in a few months! But here we are, and the past few months haven’t been perfect, but we can’t have it all! So the losing weight thing… yeah, that’s not going to happen. Between my roommate working at ___6___ and my friend having a pass to __7___, I was pretty much screwed. Plus, for Christmas my mom got me a ___8___-of-the-month club, so that’s really nice too.

lowed by ___12___, then some shots of ___13___. By the time we got to the bar, I was 50 shades of ___14___ and ended up staying the night at the celebrity’s assistant’s hotel room. The internship seemed a little out of range after I thought about it for a minute. Since I’m not active in any clubs or organizations, lying about being President of ___15___ and then being interviewed about it wasn’t too smart of me. But through that whole ordeal, I found my calling in studying ___16___, so I’ll chalk that one up to a win.

But one positive is that I’ve found the love of my life! No, not the assistant, but remember the hotel we stayed in? Well I was still tipsy when I stumbled out the next morning, and started flirting with the front desk guy. He took me out to ___17___ for breakAnd the whole doing-well-in-school thing. I missed fast that day, and it’s been love ever since! He even my first exam because ___9___ was doing a public- proposed… we’re getting married in ___18___! Yay, ity appearance at ___10___ and I wasn’t about to 2014!!! miss that. My roommates and I played ___11___, fol-

1) Booze 2) Small number 3) Significant number 4) Major 5) Major Corporation 6) Late-night food spot 7) Awesome on-campus cafeteria 8) Sugary cereal 9) D-List celebrity 10) Campus bar 11) Drinking game 12) A different drinking game 13) Cheap liquor 14) Slang for intoxicated 15) Your major’s biggest club 16) Notoriously easy major 17) Chain fast food restaurant 18) Summer month

Relationship Status: Single, gladly. Major: Criminal Justice. Favorite Drink: Guinness shandy, only brewed here. Favorite Shot: Flaming Jäger bomb. Disgusting Drink: The first time I ever made a dry martini, it tasted like cat piss. What subculture are you secretly infatuated with?: Ghosts. Invent a holiday, what would it celebrate?: Anti-Valentine’s Day. Why do birds fall in love?: The size of their beaks. Vaguely threaten your worst enemy.: I swear the worst divorce on you. What element on the periodic table best describes you: H2O because I’m tasteless. What’s the last lie you told?: I told a girl I was busy when I wasn’t. Are you always this insufferable?: No, just for this survey.

JEFF of Spencer’s

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Questions

Easy Pizza Casserole

You always think you want to play Truth or Dare, mostly because you really hope to see Jennifer’s sweet ta-tas because you’re a big ole’ perv. When it gets down to the traumatic truths or the drop-trou dares, no one does it, no matter how drunk they are. So play Questions, where you get to be a little bit more of a coward until the booze kicks in, and even then you can continue being a big wuss.

Make this easy casserole one afternoon so your roommates have a hot, delicious dinner when they come home from class, and watch the good karma just roll in.

What You Need: Beer or mixed drinks, a solid imagination, and all of the friends. Players: Two would work, but the more the merrier. Level of Intoxication: Betsy might cry when she says she doesn’t know what a money shot is, but that might just be because she’s a sensitive drunk.

N O W HIRIN W

G ! ETING | PROMO TIONS |

RITING | MARK

APPLY ONLINE AT

SALES

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s interesting and gives you insight into the goofy things people think.

How to Play: - Everyone grabs a beer or makes a mixed drink, something that you can drink a lot of without getting too crazy too quickly (like, don’t use shots). - One person is deemed the Questioner. The Questioner addresses another player by name and poses a yes or no question, which they must answer without hesitation. - Get creative with your questions, which can transcend all categories. Anything from “Have you ever had sex?” to “Do you approve of what that bigot from Duck Dynasty said about gay people?” works in this game. - The answerer then becomes the Questioner and must ask another player a question immediately. - Repeating questions in not allowed, nor is laughing before answering or asking to repeat the question. - The first person to violate any of the rules has to take a drink. That person then becomes the first Questioner of the next round. The Game Ends When: Bill questions Betsy: “Do you want to have sex right now?” Hey guys, she’s going to find out what a money shot is!

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What You Need: 2 pouches of buttermilk biscuit mix, 1 cup of water, 1 jar of pizza sauce, 1 package of pepperoni, 2 cups (or more… probably more, definitely more) of shredded mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup(s) of any other pizza toppings you’d like (we suggest pickled jalapeños). Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s homemade -- that has to count for something! Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Spray a 13x9-inch glass baking dish with cooking spray. - In a bowl, stir your biscuit mix and water until soft dough forms. - Drop half of the dough by spoonfuls evenly in the bottom of the baking dish. The dough probably won’t completely cover the bottom of the dish, but don’t stress. - Drizzle about 1 cup of pizza sauce over the dough. Arrange 1/2 of the pepperoni slices (and any additional toppings you’d like) evenly over the sauce. Top with a handful of cheese. - Repeat layers with remaining dough, pizza sauce, pepperoni and cheese. - Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown. Cut into squares and serve with leftover keg beer. If you’re being super smart you’ll make one of these puppies while you’re pre-gaming, so when you get home from the bar you’ll have your pizza in less time then calling the stoned pizza man. You’re welcome for all the love your roommates will give you.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS The Makers of

: D A D O T C O

H C T A C T S E I L DAD By: Quinn

The Black Sheep: You’re bringing comedy to a new medium in video games. Was your initiative from the beginning to make a game as wacky and slapstick as it is challenging, or did that come together with Octodad? Phil Tibitoski: Really, we were just trying to make something new and weird – something that hasn’t been done before. A lot of us had only really just met each other on the first game, so a lot of it was just finding out that we’re all --at least we think-- pretty funny and weird people. And so the humor just came out through there, and choosing Octodad as the project to go for was obvious because we’re all pretty funny, and we figured we’d have fun working on it. TBS: So how did the idea of controlling an octopus who’s trying to play off being a human come up? Phil: The original idea behind Octodad as a concept is a meld of Being John Malkovich — being in someone’s head and controlling them, in really small, weird movements, kind of micromanaging — and a game called Jurassic Park Trespasser, which is this first person Jurassic Park-themed game where you have a lot control over the character’s arm, and it’s all physics based, but it just ended up being this hilarious disaster rather than a cool feature. So we took those two ideas and combined them. Originally you were an alien or an octopus inside an android’s head, but from there we spit around ideas and thought “Why don’t we just put the octopus in a suit?” because it would be funnier and more weird. And we all just ran with that with “Well what if he has a family, and since they don’t know he’s an octopus he has to act like a normal human, trying to keep from revealing himself to them and the rest of the world?” TBS: How did you create a control scheme that would both work and fit the awkward sloppin’ around of Octodad? Phil: We prototyped a bunch of different ways to do it — whether he just dragged his feet around or mimicked how an octopus would actually walk on land. Eventually we found a way that allowed for full free movement. You only raise or lower the arms when you want them to, and then for the legs it’s like a marionette where you hold his leg and move it to a position, then when you release it drops. So when we figured out how to do both upper and lower body, we decided to make it into more of an adventure or story game.

TBS: Testing the game had to be infinitely more frustrating than playing the perfected version, how many times did someone have to go like, take a walk? Phil: There was one time our advisor was playing through an early vertical slice of the game, and by the time he was done it took him 45 minutes — something that took us like a few minutes. And we were like “Yay, you won!” because there wasn’t really an ending, but he was like “No. I’ve lost. I’ve lost 45 minutes of my life.” So we went through a lot of iterations as to what feels good or is too frustrating, or not frustrating enough. If you play a first person shooter or whatever, you can then go and play any version of those games and get the gist on how to run around and play. With our game everyone starts from square one and has to learn themselves. With Octodad: Dadliest Catch we did a good job of doing that within the first 2 minutes, and after that everyone pretty much gets it.

TBS: Being a physics-based game where basically anything in a room can be knocked around, were there any points where you stopped and thought “Oh shit, we’re in over our heads here”? Phil: That happens pretty much everyday, where one of us will be like “Oh God what have we done? What are we doing here?” Especially because it’s kind of a big thing for us to go after for our first commercial game — wholly 3D, physics-based puzzle-adventure action-ish game. But that’s also why it’s taken us a couple years to get where it’s at now. And we still have some problems from time to time, but really with this sort of game it ends up being more in our favor than anything, because it’s usually a funny thing that happens if anything does go awry. TBS: What’s new in Octodad: Dadliest Catch? Phil: Well, in the first game you were confined to his house, but in Octodad: Dadliest Catch you actually venture out into the world, like an aquarium or a grocery store, and you’re more involved with people in the public rather than just your family. Your family is a lot easier on you in understanding how weird you are, but the public isn’t as forgiving, so the suspicion this time around is much more brutal in getting to your level or completing the tasks you set out to do. So if you’re in the grocery store and you knock over a whole shelf of cereal and there are people watching you, your suspicion levels will raise more than if you were at home and bowl over your wife’s flowers, and the circumstances are much more dire. We also have a full story. The first game’s story was done in the last two weeks of development just to tie the levels together and make sense of the game — whereas this one we have fully animated 3D cut scenes in the game, among other things. The production value has gone way up and the controls, although you control him in the same way, are a lot smoother now. It’s just as weird and awkward as it was before, but we got rid of a lot of bugs.

We chatted with Phil Tibitoski, President and CEO of Young Horses, the award-winning indie game designers behind Octodad and the upcoming Octodad: Dadliest Catch. In the Octodad video game, one sloppily attempts to control an octopus who’s posing as a man. Check out more at OctodadGame.com, and follow the designers @YoungHorses on Twitter.

TBS: Does he get any closer to completing his “Important Mission”? Phil: Yeah, we better explain Octodad’s priorities, and why he’s doing what he’s doing… where he comes from and how he came to the position he’s in. But there’s still a lot of mystery left up to the fans to try to think of how the hell this happened, because we think it’s funny to hear people’s interpretations.

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DRINKIN’ SNOWMEN There are 10 beer bottles in this sea of snowmen. Can you find them all? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’ve identified them all correctly, you’ll win a prize!

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