Michigan State - Issue 3 - 1/23/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FRE

Vol. 10, Issue 3

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

E... A P LIKE F OL A RO R V STB O RT I T E EX. IN

1/23/14 - 1/29/14

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN BASKETBALL PLAYS MSU IM TEAM, LOSES 74-31 BY: MSU STAFF The University of Michigan Wolverine basketball squad was overly excited for their game against Michigan State this weekend, and showed up in East Lansing several days early. However, Michigan coach John Beilein was misinformed about the location of the Breslin Center, and directed the bus to pull up at IM West. “I’ve kind of blocked out a lot of memories from the Breslin Center, so I wasn’t really sure where it was located,” Beilein told The Black Sheep in an exclusive interview. “So I typed in ‘basketball court’ to Google Maps, and it took us to IM West. Sure enough there was the court, so we headed to the locker room.” Michigan captain Glenn Robinson III hyped his teammates for a tough game, which he told them was a must-win. “I told our guys that the perception of Michigan State dominating us in basically everything needed to change. I pointed out that State wasn’t even wearing their jerseys, they didn’t take us seriously. It didn’t even seem like anyone was going to show up, not even the score keepers, let alone Coach Izzo himself. It was an insult, and I wanted my team to take that to heart.” Apparently, the fact that Michigan laced up against a team of semi-out of shape, short white guys who wore shirts with “The Izz-Bros” written in permanent marker on them wasn’t clear to the Wolverines until the game was already over. Stefan Elslager, a former high school player and current MSU junior, said his team was unsure of what was happening, but continued to play under

the assumption that the Michigan team was doing some weird promo for the Big Ten Network or just practicing. “They were taking the game like, super seriously,” he said “so we figured it would be a good warm-up to the league tournament this weekend. I mean, some of these guys might play Euroball, it was a pretty neat opportunity for us.” The game started out in Michigan’s favor, with Jordan Morgan hitting a backyard P.I.G.-style behind-the-back shot from the three-point line. “One of their guys was charging toward me, and even though I had about six inches on him, I got scared because the refs — who seemed looked like students themselves — weren’t calling anything,” Morgan said. “So I turned my body away and threw up the ball out of fear. That was probably the highlight of the game for us.” Despite Morgan’s shot, Michigan’s luck soon ran out. The Izz-Bros began running trick play after trick play, and their skill was too much for the team from Ann Arbor. Dominic D’Onofrio, a member of the IzzBros, explained how he was shocked they were actually winning, and that Beilein didn’t even seem concerned with his team’s inability to beat “a bunch of white guys who were kind of hungover.” “We were running Space Jam types of plays,” D’Onofrio said. “I bounced the ball off Nik Stauskas’s head and threw a behind-the-back assist to our center. He literally had four seconds to put up an uncontested layup.”

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TOP 10: HOBBIES OF EAST LANSING SQUIRRELS THERE’S A LOT MORE TO THE COMMON SQUIRREL THAN MEETS THE EYE.

D’Onofrio added that Beilein left the game numerous times to buy snacks from a nearby vending machine. When asked about this, Michigan’s coach explained himself. “Look,” he said, “when you’re watching your team lose terribly, you get hungry. I don’t know what the big deal is, Michigan men shouldn’t need coaching anyway.”

According to Elslager, once the Izz-Bros told the defeated Wolverines that they were just a bunch of students on a subpar rec team, the team from Ann Arbor was confused, then relieved, then a shadow of fear fell over their eyes. “At first I was like, ‘Nice, we haven’t really lost anything yet!’” said Michigan guard Spike Albrecht. “But then it dawned on

me that no one was watching this game, the refs left after three minutes, and the Spartans were all wearing cut-offs… and I started to cry a little.” When Michigan State coach Tom Izzo learned of the news, he was notably unsurprised. “They’ve done this three years in a row now,” he said. “That’s the Michigan Difference.”

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A DIARY ...OF FORBIDDEN LOVE

THE SECRET TO THE SEDUCTIVE SPARTAN

IF CRUSHING ON THAT GLORIOUS PIECE OF MANMEAT THAT IS YOUR TA IS WRONG, THEN YOU DON’T WANNA BE RIGHT.

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ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO TITLE A SONG ABOUT YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING HIGH SCHOOL MOMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED?

Will

“Wrecking Ball”

Antonio

“Got Caught Awkward”

J a c ks o n

“My Mom Does Not Have It Goin’ On”

THE

TOP

TEN

HOBBIES OF EAST LANSING SQUIRRELS BY: ZOË KREMKE

It dawned on us that, despite our everyday interactions with squirrels on campus, we have never really stopped to take a moment and consider what they like to do. Sure they’re adorable little fuzz balls, but what really makes them tick? They’ve remained a mystery to the Michigan State student population, but no longer.

Unsung Heroes

10.) Eating: This may seem like a rather obvious pastime of the squirrels of EL, but there’s a reason for it. Besides it being cold as Margaret Thatcher’s heart outside, squirrels eat to bulk up and ultimately look better. Reverse to how humans view “looking good”, squirrels straight-up prefer to be a little chunky. Have you ever seen a skinny-ass squirrel? They’re incredibly off-putting.

BY: BRENDON WHITE

9.) Digging Through Your Trash: Remember that pregnancy test you threw out last week? Nobody knew about your little scare, or so you thought. Squirrels know all, and secretly lord it over our heads. They spend hours carefully sorting through the garbage bins outside our buildings, just trying to find some dirt on us in case they ever need to use it in a sticky situation. Plus, if they find that half-eaten peanut butter bagel you pitched earlier, bonus.

OF EAST LANSING East Lansing is known for the heroes who’ve graced its beautiful campus. From the likes of Earvin “Magic” Johnson AKA “The King of the Triple-Double”, to the late, great Bubba Smith, MSU has one hell of track record for creating future stars. That being said, many of these future stars go unnoticed as students because their talents are considered unorthodox or dangerous. So despite them having been classified as “unfit to be around small children,” we feel there are a few future stars who deserve kudos. Tyler “The Tugboat” Miller: “The Tugboat,” as you may have guessed, is known for his excessive masturbating habits. It may seem like an unusual obsession, but the sophomore firmly believes that yanking it makes him that much more alert during his sexual ventures with his current girlfriend, who has decided to remain anonymous. Oddly, it also makes him a better listener, as he’s not constantly attempting to get some. Some say he flew too close to the sun when he decided he would challenge the world record for consecutive hours masturbating, but Tyler never backs down from a challenge — he will stroke, fist, and claw his way to the top of the record books one way or another. Randy “The Brainiac” Graves: Randy is known for never giving up his dream of keeping his GPA at an astonishing 2.0. “The Braniac,” just like his fraternity brothers before him, has put the bare minimum into every course he has taken, carefully calculating exactly how many absences he’s permitted and the amount of quizzes he can fail to cement his almost-failing status. Randy is that faceless hero who brings the curve down to its lowest possible point — he lifts the rest of us up as he sinks to the bottom. Sarah “Carpal Tunnel” Moore: No matter what your syllabus texting policy is, Sarah will never put down her 2004 T-Mobile Sidekick. We know what you’re thinking, why a Sidekick? Because Sarah’s therapist fears that if she gets her early-onset arthritis-riddled hands on an iPhone, she will never engage with the outside world. Last October, Sarah broke the immaculate texting record of 35,000 texts in one month with ease, sending an extonsihing 43,322 text messages in a single month. We don’t know who you’re texting young lady, but you make the rest of us look like polite, attentive human beings in comparison. Kyle “The Mop” Walker: “The Mop” was given this nickname ironically by the rest of the custodial staff here at MSU. Kyle, who just celebrated being the first student who is also a janitor, has never actually picked up a mop or any cleaning supply for that matter. Although his air of nonchalance seems anything but put on, Kyle firmly believes that to clean the floors that have been traversed by MSU’s greats such as Magic Johnson and Tyler “The Tugboat” Miller would be nothing short of a crime. As long as he doesn’t inhale too much Lysol, he’ll remain the protector of MSU’s sacred grounds for years to come. It is characters like these that make MSU the shining beacon of diversity it so boldly claims to be at every academic orientation, and we thank the good lord every day that they grace the ground of East Lansing with their presence.

8.) Judging From Higher Ground: Ever caught a squirrel giving you a very squirrely version of the stink eye from a lofty branch as you walk down the Red Cedar River Trail? Yeah, they live for that shit. They judge everything about you—nothing is safe. Your shoes are tacky, that outfit doesn’t match, and they hate your new haircut. Squirrels love nothing better than to feel superior. 7.) Shitting in Unexpected Places: Anything to make your life more difficult. It’s easy to keep your eyes peeled for ice, but you never imagine crossing the grass by Beaumont Tower and stepping into a creepy little pile of squirrel shit. Go figure. Laugh it up, guys. 6.) Bullying Bunny Rabbits: Their one and only true rival in the universal rodent cuteness competition, squirrels will do virtually anything to make bunnies feel self-conscious. Think that’s morning dew when spring rolls around? Nope, the grass is covered in the tears of self-loathing bunnies. 5.) Creating a Super Squirrel: Those funky half-breed squirrels you see scampering around campus are no accident. The black squirrel chilling on the bench with the massive, bushy, red tail? He is the product of generations of squirrels attempting to create one Super Squirrel breed that will one day conquer us all. 4.) Sleeping: Squirrels are huge fans of mid-day naps, it’s why they flock to college campuses. All the shitting, digging, and rabbit hating really tuckers them out, so catching some shuteye in the warmth of a freshly-parked car is a risk worth taking. 3.) Scaring You at Night: After they’ve rested up during the day, they have plenty of energy to scare the shit out of you on your walk home. In their beady little eyes, there isn’t a better feeling than the look on your face when you piss yourself out of raw fear — they drink that fear piss, and they like it. 2.) Looking for Nuts: No, we’re not talking about the kind they eat. Squirrels know how to get down. You think that breeding a Super Squirrel was purely scientific? Wrong. To put it frankly, squirrels enjoy a good bone sesh, and we enjoyed watching them studying their unique mating habits. 1.) Planning World Domination: With the way they multiply, it’s only a matter of time until they create a Super Squirrel. Then it will come as a surprise to no one when their long-lived plan to take over the world goes into effect. Their squirrel poop will slightly change the course of our days as they rain insults down upon our ears. Slowly we’ll all be so depressed and scared to go out at night we’ll all hunker away in caves, leaving the world up for the taking. And god help the bunnies if the squirrels get their way.

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Recent Study: Dorm Homebrew Narrowly Beats Toilet Hooch In Taste and Quality BY: BOB RODRIGUEZ A panel of experts including a stoner from Akers, a homeless man named Charles, and the self-labeled “cool RA” recently gathered to test the quality of what was described as “the homebrewed version of Franzia” against classic hooch. Participants were tested in a single-blind study where the researchers knew which sample was their own, and which sample was the product of a convict with a bad case of methmouth. Two out of three participants preferred the homebrew to the hooch describing its taste as “less vomit-y.” While the researchers were pleased with the diversity of the participants in the study, they expressed concern over potential bias, “We’re pretty sure Charles was just here for the free wine, because he’s been to prison. You know when you’re a kid and your mom feeds you bologna sandwiches, and even though they’re generally pretty gross you’d still take it over the pork products in the cafeteria? The taste of toilet hooch probably just reminded Charles of his young weight-lifting years in the joint.” Ingredients in the homebrew were better than those available in prison kitchens, which may have led to the difference in taste. This was a surprising development, as most of what went into the homebrew was smuggled from MSU cafeterias.

The researchers stated that they “had an in with a Level I cafeteria bro” who smuggled out a gallon of grape juice in exchange for a month’s worth of class notes. The homebrew included sugar packets from a variety of Sparty’s locations. Another component of the mixture was yeast, which in traditional hooch is replaced with moldy bread. When asked where the researchers found yeast, one responded, “Your mom’s vagina… just kidding ,we just Amazon’d it.” The homebrew versus the hooch-making process revealed that the varying procedures might point to some reasonable differences in overall quality. While the prison hooch was made using Saran Wrap to cover the communal prison toilet, the researchers eventually covered gallon jugs with a condom after quickly deflating the idea of using a party balloon. Additionally, the year’s worth of minerals in a sip of MSU dorm water contributed to the yeast’s ability to ferment. Unsurprisingly, prison water proved to be a more pure source of drinking water, and failed to activate the moldy bread yeast at a similar rate to that made by the MSU campus residents. The researchers later revealed to us that they do not plan on expanding the study, stating, “It’s just easier to give a senior twenty bucks to buy us a fifth of Burnett’s. Plus, it’s hard to reach the cubby above our

closets where we store the stuff, since we’re currently using our desk chairs to hold up the beer pong table we made from the bathroom door.” This means that, as unfortunate as it may be for the general public, the budding homebrew tycoons will

not keep producing the grape-flavored delicacy. However, current drug laws indicate that it would be easy enough for any young dreamer to join a legion of prison inmates in the quest to make some fine toilet hooch. For now, it’s best for the general public to stick with the wine that comes in a box.

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A DIARY ...OF

FORBIDDEN LOVE BY: MOLLY BURFORD

Here at The Black Sheep, we are all for respecting privacy. However, when we happen to stumble across your One Direction notebook that doubles as your diary, we cannot help ourselves but pry. We came across this diary entry of a girl in East Lansing. We’re going to recommend that she hit up some more parties with guys her age. We also recommend that her professor consider filing a restraining order. Dear Diary, Unrequited love, an act in which I often partake. I refuse for this time to end up like it did last time— crying into by the library fountain was ugly, despite hiding my tears. But, this time will be different. This time, he will be mine. I first laid eyes on him in ISB 202 and I knew immediately he was the one I had been searching for. I know you’re angry that I haven’t told you about him yet, diary, but I had to be sure he was the one. He’s exactly six inches taller than me, has hair the color of coffee, is toned in all the right places, and has eyes the color of the sexiest ocean, the Indian. He is the perfect representation of man I have been looking for. Dearest diary he may be teaching me biology, but I can assure you there is a lot of chemistry. I make sure I sit in the front row every class, laughing at all his jokes and never breaking eye contact; I swear he smiled at me once. But before I take things to the next level, I have to acknowledge an obstacle that will keep us from being together, and that happens to be the sliver of gold around his left ring finger. Yes, he is not a single man. He has a wife. But, I doubt this will be a difficult thing to overcome. It’s trivial, really, in the grand scheme of things. Diary, I like to believe you are a sentient being, and if you are, please wipe the following clean in case the police are ever to force their eyes upon you.

I have several ideas that could bring my professor and I together. The first would be finding a Ryan Gosling look-a-like to seduce his current whore-ofa-wife, and thus cause a nasty divorce — this way I could comfort him with the tissue he used last week. He would realize how much I cared about him than his old, loose vagina’d wife; it would be so romantic. The next idea I’ve been mulling over is to ace all my tests. That way, he would see the genius I am and want to spend more time with me to further my education. One office visit after another, and he’d turn down the picture of his boorish wife and shitty kids as he takes me in a heat of passion and biology. The third idea is to fail my tests, which would mean I would need some extra help. I could meet during office hours and show him my charming personality, but that wouldn’t be enough. He’d see how much responsibility I took to increase my grades and invite me over to babysit his undeserving kids while he and his wife take separate business trips. One thing leads to another, and let’s just say he’d come home to an empty house, and me, sprawled on top of chocolate-covered IBS 202 books. I know this sounds crazy and unrealistic, and I know you’re thinking “not this again,” diary, but I always promised myself that when I met the man of my dreams, I’d do anything to be with him. I have faith that he and I will work out. I just know it. Every time he takes attendance, I see him linger on my name. Next class, I will gauge the situation, and from there will determine which route to take in order to capture his heart. Will update later. Until next time, Hopelessly Devoted

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The Secret to the Seductive Spartan BY: JACK HARDER It’s common knowledge in the great USA that Michigan State has one of the most attractive student bodies in the history of student bodies. In fact, The Black Sheep at MSU, a completely unbiased source, has ranked East Lansing as the Sexiest College Campus of 2014. With this title, a Rose Bowl championship, and Izzo’s elite squad, 2014 seems to be the year for making lists. But how is it, you may ask, that this campus is so physically appealing? It clearly isn’t something in the water. Ann Arbor is barely 50 miles away, and frankly, those guys are just gross. It appears that Spartans have that special something, that certain x-factor that gives those blessed with it great taste, aesthetic appeal, and a general bad-ass quality that most people gravitate towards. It’s as if Spartans are all a part of the Teen Wolf cast, except a Teen Wolf cast that actually is comprised of talented actors not riddled with Parkinson’s. Most Spartans also forfeit the ability to change into wolves, and instead turn into sex-crazed inebriates upon the sight of the full moon. Many have openly wondered as to where this universal charm and allure found its genesis, so The Black Sheep’s elite scientists finally left Spencer’s and took a gander at this comely conundrum. Reader, the first thing you must understand is that The Black Sheep’s elite scientists claim their titles

SB PR RE IA NK G

very loosely. There is a moderate certainty that at least one of them is majoring in a science-ish field, and they are elite based solely on the fact that they defeated the “Elite Four” in Pokémon Blue. This is your disclaimer. As many of you know, East Lansing is home to a variety of oddly placed high-tech pieces of architecture. A spaceship posing as an art museum, that big orange thing jutting out of Brody Hall, and most importantly, a Cyclotron. While it is common knowledge that the Cyclotron houses a dormant Transformer, The Black Sheep’s finest have discovered something far more consequential. It would appear that it is not the water giving East Lansingites their enchantment, but the air. Whatever the brilliant minds within this enigma of a building are doing, they are producing an airborne chemically-altered compound as a byproduct. Analysis has confirmed the compound to be composed of a healthy blend of chlorine, arsenic, sulfur, and yttrium, among other difficult-topronounce chemicals. This chemical invisibly travels throughout the city limits making the inhabitants’ head hair thicker, body hair lighter and teeth whiter. It imbues its victims with talent and wit, showing no side effects other than a slight increase in alcohol tolerance, sexual stamina, and occasional, poorlytimed Parkinson’s jokes.

With this knowledge, next time you look in the mirror and see that handsome devil or beautiful bombshell staring back at you, know that while you’re inherently really good looking, you can thank the mysterious workings within the annals of Michigan State’s campus for that sassy glint in your eye. Then as you go through your day, make

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Student Frustrated That LinkedIn Still Hasn’t Found Him a Date BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF This past semester a junior chemistry major named Leon Stewart spent all his time perfecting his LinkedIn account. But he wasn’t spending it beefing up his work experience, cropping down his profile picture, or rounding out his network. One glance at Stewart’s profile and one would quickly discover that he thought it was a dating website. A weird, perverted dating site. “Well, I wasn’t having the best of luck with the ladies. It seemed like they all wanted Twizzlers, and I was just a Red Vine. I came across this statistic that said nowadays 20% of couples first meet online. And I figured it was worth giving it a shot because I had pretty much run out of options in the real world,” Stewart confessed. “I was on eHarmony, OkCupid, JDate, ChristianMingle, AmishCrush, BlackPeopleMeet — you name it and I was on it. I had my tentacles in all the digital ponds, grasping for that one fish in the sea.” However, Stewart remained unsuc-

cessful on these sites as well, being matched only with his recently widowed mother, which was obviously out of the question. “When I heard about LinkedIn I didn’t have much hope left. I checked it out and saw everyone just posted pictures of themselves and info about where they live, where they went to school, what they do for a living. You know, all the usual starter questions for a dating profile. I figured I’d give it one last chance.” Shortly after Stewart’s profile was created, there was a confused and disgusted response from many of his classmates. One of his connections, sophomore psychology major Tim Clark said, “Leon’s profile picture was a shirtless selfie of him licking a candy cane. I thought that was weird, but then I started reading. Under ‘Experience’, he wrote a list of girl’s names followed by detailed descriptions of appearance and how far he’d gone with them. It was a bit too

much for me.” Another friend of Stewart, fellow chemistry major Laura Bone, was also appalled at his profile. “In the ‘Education’ category, he credited The Pickup Artist, 50 Shades of Grey, and his MCB 244: Human Anatomy & Physiology class. Under ‘Skills & Expertise’ he listed winking, drinking, candle-lit romancing, salsa dancing, salsa dipping, skinny dipping, skinny double-dipping, salsa double-dipping, strong hands, gentle hands, hands-free ;), listening, glistening, Christening, 2nd base, 3rd base, stealing 3rd base, 3rd base via error/ fielder’s choice, and sacrifice fly. I don’t think he really gets it.” Stewart’s ex-girlfriend and English major Michelle Thompson was contacted with an odd request, “He wanted me to go on LinkedIn and verify that he was skilled in foot massages. I thought it was really strange that he wanted my endorsement. What a weirdo. But I guess that means he’s been thinking

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about me ... and all the great times we had as a couple ... Oh my god, do you think he’d get back together with me?!” Stewart’s one night stand from freshman year, Hillary Pauls, plainly stated the surprising request she received after Stewart activated his profile. “He wanted me to endorse him for fisting.

And no, I didn’t do it.” While Leon Stewart has continued to struggle with his romantic life, he has managed quite a bit of success in the job market. Recruiters around the country have extended job offers his way, noting his exceptionally confident profile and extensive skill set.

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Engaged

world.

Major: Vet Tech

A child’s laughter makes you…: Smile.

Favorite Drink: Mitten Hard Cider Favorite Shot: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Disgusting Drink: Jäger Build a perfect sandwich: Burger with American cheese, beer cheese, bacon, lettuce, mac and cheese. What superpower has the most potential, from a sexual standpoint?: Telepathy.

KRISHA of Hopcat

DRINKING GAME

What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: The ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLaughlin fucking up my whole

What’s the difference between geeks, nerds and dweebs?: The board games they play. Would you rather eat $1.00 in pennies or get a tattoo of a butt on your butt?: Tattoo. If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Peaches I know you are, but what am I?: A ginger. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: For the articles and the pictures of me.

RECIPE for DISASTER

Word Calisthenics

Deep Fried Oreos

Words are what make this world, even when they’re slurred. Without them, a hammer would literally not be a hammer, it’d be a…it’d be something else. Work on your wordplay, with beer!

It’s a few weeks into the new year, and you know damn well that this means that “get fit” resolution is knee-deep in assorted chocolates and sweets that your grandma purposely gave you just to totally screw you over. Luckily, deep frying is always the best answer for shameful weight frustration.

What You’ll Need: Beer, a creative mind. NO ACCOUNTING MAJORS ALLOWED. Number of Players: 2 Level of Intoxication: You’ll go from being a wordsmith to blowing them up into wordsmithereens. How to Play: -Begin by having one player say a 3-letter word. For example, “cat.” -The other player must then name another 3-letter word that begins with the last letter of the previous word. For example, “cat” becomes “tap.” -If a player names a word that both begins and ends with the last letter of the previous word, then the word expands by 1 letter. For example, if “cat” becomes “tot,” then the next word must be 4 letters long and begin with “t.” -This continues until one player cannot name a word of the appropriate length. -No shortened words (“tat” for “tattoo,” for example), abbreviations or proper nouns are allowed. -Words cannot be repeated. -Drink each time a player expands a word by a letter. -Drink each time someone tries to use a word that has already been said. -Drink each time a vulgarity is used. The Game Ends When: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Duh.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You’ll Need: A bag of Oreos, 2 cups of biscuit mix, 2 eggs, 1.5 cups of milk (whole milk, don’t be a pussy), 3 teaspoons of oil, and enough vegetable oil to deep fry a small animal. Cook Time: About 10 minutes Fatty Factor: See: “deep fried.” Let’s Get Baked: - Mash up that biscuit mix with the eggs, milk, and the 3 teaspoons of oil until it’s as smooth as your roommate’s reaction after walking in on him “exploring” himself. - Preheat your deep fryer/pan to about 375° Fahrenheit, or Celsius if you’re feeling a little adventurous.* - Put the Oreos in the batter and soak those suckers up until you can smell the impending dissatisfaction. - Carefully toss the Oreos into the deep fryer/pan. - Once the Oreos are brown on one side, flip them over so the other side gets some action. - Scoop out the Oreos once they’re fried/burnt to your liking and let them cool/drain on a paper towel before shovin’ them in your mouth. It’s probably best to prep this one before you go out for the night. The Black Sheep has only played with a deep fryer once, and that’s all we can really say legally. *Seriously, don’t do that. We think your face looks better when it doesn’t have searing, explosive grease all over it.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS

THE CEREMONIES BY: BRENDAN

“We don’t tend to look at [The Ceremonies] as a band, but instead as

Do you have a sibling? Sure you do. Do you fight like two cats in a wet burlap sack? Duh. Well then, you’ll be shocked to know The Ceremonies—Matt, Michael and Mark—are brothers. In a band. And they’re all alive. That is, unless the fourth brother, Mitch, is buried somewhere. The California trio was nice enough to talk to us about their self-titled EP and upcoming tour, coming soon to a large metropolis near you.

fine art.”

The Black Sheep: How long have you three been playing music together? Matthew Cook: We began playing acoustically—not as an official band—at the start of high school. We were doing a lot of cover songs, playing for fun at local charities and gigs. We started playing officially—as a band—a couple of years later. TBS: Who proposed turning this into a real project? Matthew: I always had bands growing up, and my brothers Mark and Michael would fill in when we had absent band members. As they were finishing high school I was beginning college, and I had some songs written that I wanted to put together. All of a sudden it occurred to us that we had a band right in front of us, and we had never acted on it. TBS: So who decided the roles within the band? Matthew: Since I write the music, I know who is doing what from the get-go. I’ll think in my head, “Mike can do this, and Mark can do this,” but I also think about who can best do what on stage. We don’t have set parameters with who plays what. TBS: How would you describe yourself as a group? Matthew: Sonically, it’s a conglomeration of 80s Manchester new wave instrumentation and arrangement combined with a 60s traditional vocal harmonies with contemporary feel. That’s how we think of The Ceremonies sonically, but we don’t tend to look at it as a band, but instead as fine art. TBS: What do you mean it’s more fine art? Matthew: We think that the notion of a “band” is pigeonholing—that these are artists who sing and dance, it’s an act. It’s a limiting term. We’re more interested in concepts and carrying those out the best way we can. Music is our primary medium for that, but we definitely spend a lot of time painting and writing poems and making videos. The best comparison we can bring up is the Talking Heads and David Byrne. Stop Making Sense is a performance art piece. They integrate props to get your mind going. TBS: Having aspirations that just aren’t musical, how do you

deal with the business side of this? Matthew: We have control over our decisions. That’s something we really love about our labels, Atom Factory and Capitol, they let us make our decisions. For the most part we have a lot of freedom to carry out ideas as we see fit. TBS: How do you guys define success, then, as musicians? Matthew: The answer to that is changing daily. As artists we hope to affect as many people as we can. We hope to alter someone’s mindset, how to have a more open perspective and how to live more genuinely. Numbers on social media are the main medium bands have to see what their demographic is, so that’s what we look at. TBS: What was your creative approach to your self-titled EP, The Ceremonies? Matthew: The EP started with me writing a bunch of songs throughout high school and college—having these ideas in mind and maintaining this sense of childhood wonderment. I wanted to write music about finding sense of childhood within your inner adult. Then we met our producer Danny Garibay, brought him a bunch of those songs, and increased the production value. We decided which ones to put on the EP, and

put it together. TBS: You noted you’re the primary songwriter, but what does a discussion about creative decisions look like? Matthew: It’s been in the later stages. For example, with “Ballroom Bones” I had the demo recorded, and when we brought it to Danny we ended up adding a whole bunch of parts that became integral parts of the song. There’s a guitar line that became a big part of the song, and we decided on that together. Definitely there’s collaboration, but it happens later on. TBS: But how much change can happen when lyrics are a huge component to the tone of a song? Matthew: For sure, lyrics are important. For us, they’re at least 50% of the song—they hold the meaning. As an artistic collective that doesn’t want to be bound to the notion of just being a band, we hold a lot of our meaning in the song itself, which comes from the word. It’s interesting, though, a lot of people are selective listeners who listen more to the music than the words, and for those people there’s a process that has to be carried out where the atmosphere of the song has to match the lyrics. TBS: What goes into translating this live? Do you aim to have it be as close to the studio as you can, or do you want it to sound like the studio? Matthew: I think there are inevitable differences between the live sound and the recording. You have a lot more creative control with recording. We’re not interested in replicating the song on the record as much as we are creating a new experience live. It’s like, every time you read a book, you read it differently. It’s the same book you’re reading, but you paint different imagery in your mind. A song doesn’t have to be all new, but we like to pitch it in a new way. TBS: What’s your stage show like? Matthew: We’re going out on our second tour—this time with Glasvegas—from February to March. It’s not so much us trying to impress the audience as much as it is letting yourself get lost in the music. If you can do that, then the audience will feel like it’s musical theater or something—if you’re into it, the audience will feel it as well. TBS: Then what makes a good show or a bad show? Matthew: I guess just audience reaction. We’re really interested and committed to this idea of performing full-out. I’d rather sing a high note and have my voice crack than be too timid to go for the high note. We’re going for genuine emotion.

GUESS THE LOGO

Can you identify all the logos below? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’ve identified them all correctly, you’ll win a prize!

the crossword famous ash(ley)s ACROSS: 3) What is Ashton Kutcher’s real first name? 5) Ashley was the most popular girl’s name in the early 90s, but was eventually topped by which name? 6) The only daying service that promotes affairs, Ashley what? 7) The day of the week occuring 46 days before Easter, two words. 9) Ash Ketchum is the protagonist in what video game? 11) If you skin is dry, you say it’s what? 13) Ash tree’s scientific name. 16) The lip-syncing sister of Jessica Simpson.

what? 5) The sister’s Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna. 8) Ashley Greene’s Cullen name is the Twilight saga. 10) Not Ashley Olsen, the other one. 12) Ashley Furniture is headquartered in this state. 12) Who plays Ashley Schaeffer on Eastbound & Down? 14) Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. 15) The Emerald ash borer is what kind of insect?

DOWN: 1) Ashley Country is one of many dry counties in this state. 2) Ashley Parker Angel was a member of this 2000’s manufactured boy band. 4) ASH is the American Society of

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