The Black Sheep FR
EE af ... li te ke r s th ta at bb o in ne g th kid re wo ed n ud 't b es e .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 4 9/19/12 - 9/26/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
A Little Bus of Horrors: Riding the #1 CATA
justin gawel wrote this
You’re cold, wet, and reeking of barf. Indeed, you’re a walking Denny’s Grand Slam as you stumble out of a house party at the crack of dawn. One glance around and you’re having an, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore” moment as the harsh reality sets in that, for some reason, you’re in Lansing. Your iPhone is missing, but don’t worry, there’s an Armenian man on the corner selling Nokias out of his falafel and jewelry cart. You debate buying one to call for a ride, but the mane of dark knuckle hair curling around his gold ring sends you heading in the other direction, despite his claim that, “It’eez good deal, bro.” A street sign indicates that this is Michigan Avenue and there, in the distance, barreling towards you from downtown is your fate. Yup, it’s the CATA #1 bus. You feared this day would come, you prayed that it wouldn’t, but here you are with only a dollar in your pocket and dried puke on your face. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. The bus pulls up, and right away you notice that despite the “vomiting vagabond” look you’re sporting, you are still by far the most attractive person on the bus at a solid 6.5/10. The tubby bus driver (a staunch 2/10) cranes their lack of a neck and mutters something to you - immediately sending you into flashbacks of that recurring dream where you’re a prisoner in Jabba the Hutt's palace. You pay this troll its toll and lumber to a seat that appears to have the least amount of bodily fluids and old food on it. Hopefully, the ride is uneventful and you can just sit here, undisturbed, contemplating the horrible life choices that brought you to this point. A woman whose dental coverage clearly ran out years ago moves to the seat behind you. She dons multiple winter coats and boots, despite the sixty-degree temperature. She asks if you remember the times she used to take care of you as a baby. She claims, “Oh, Tasha remember you. Momma call up ol’ Tasha, said she needed me.” You return your focus to the window, hoping she will recognize the social cue, but sadly, Brody isn’t in sight yet. Tasha loses interest in you when something shiny catches her eye. The driver stops and a man with an eye-patch and cane shuffles aboard. His lack of depth perception turns his attempt to pay the driver into a comical affair, but that’s where the
What Your Favorite MSU Dairy Store Ice Cream Flavor Says About You
humor stops with this one. He sits down and glances at you while you desperately look away and try to avoid the uneven eye contact at all costs.
from a pile of dingleberries, is the Brody bus stop. You pull the cord and breathe a sigh of relief as the bus grinds to a halt as you stumble off.
The bus swerves and everyone except the old man grabs on to something. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out, just a dirty, brown liquid that dribbles down his shirt. A look of embarrassment washes over his face briefly, but he reaches in his pocket and fishes out an unwrapped Jolly Rancher that he extends in his grotesque fingers towards you. You glance around for any shred of hope and there, like a phoenix rising
You arrive back to your dorm scarred, and crawl up in a ball on your futon. The horrific memories of your experience start flooding back and you can’t take it anymore. You furiously search your apartment for the nearest hot pocket or revolver to put in your mouth—desperate for anything to numb your post-traumatic stress. But you find nothing… nothing but a strange, subtle yearning to get back on the #1 CATA…
what’s inside
The Girlfriend's Guide to Fantasy Sports
Sweaty People Problems
wow, that was a mouthful.
The flex position isn't what you think it is, ladies.
Other than the fact they'll die hot and alone because they're disgusting.
page 4
page 7
page 10
page three d a o l n w o D heep Mobile App S The Black ! e e r f y l e m o s e w a o s it’s
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
n’t xcept you do e , d n e k e e w st t that party la Download our app to stay a t o g u o y p u om. he free c ames, share stair’s bathro g p g u in e Kind of like t k h n t ri d in t t s u late our app o s articles. cials, get the u e o p ri s a r il a h b have to wash r s u u o p f m all o ll the best ca , catch up on e rs u o c updated on a f o , d y pictures an and send part
oid r d n A d n a hone P i r o f obile e l m b p a e l i e a h v s k A ac search bl
Sexy Anagrams
Cereals Any Nite
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Rally Rye Hip Nip last week’s answers
Sofia Vergara & Asthon Kutcher
Fact: Girls who make their own beer pong tables get +3 sexy points. (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
word of the week Bravadon’t:
An act of heroism meant to impress, resulting in embarrassing failure for the person in question. “Patrick’s had an act of bravadon’t when he broke his leg by jumping off of the roof.”
page 4
theblacksheeponline.com
What Your Favorite MSU Dairy Store Ice Cream Flavor Says About You Zoë Kremke wrote this Ah, the MSU Dairy Store: a place for fun, frolicking, and ridiculously fattening ice cream. Everyone has his or her own favorite flavor, but have you ever stopped to think about what yours may imply about your personality? It’s pretty amazing, actually, what ice cream flavors can tell you about a person. It’s like a mood ring: a completely scientifically accurate depiction of the innermost corners of your soul. Let’s take a look at some of MSU’s flavors and the people who love ‘em. Banana Chock-Eye Chunk has a tendency to draw the crazies. Nope, not the fun “uncle with a drinking problem” kind of crazy. These are the folks covered in tin foil, rambling about the apocalypse by the freeway. After all, who in their right mind picks banana? Is it good? Yes. Is it good in comparison to all the other sugary goodness you could be getting? No. Even with the chocolate chunks, nobody could possibly justify this choice. Though it certainly justifies the idiom, “You’ve gone bananas.” Now, Pistachio Nut only attracts one kind of person: that guy on the bus. You all know, the creepy guy standing at the back staring at you with his hand in his pocket. Yup, that’s him, just licking the cone way too slowly and trying to make eye contact. Watch out for these old man-pervsters, they really can’t be trusted. Everyone knows that the normal flavor choice for any self-respecting senior citizen is Butter Pecan. So as soon as you hear the Pistachio Nut ordered, steer clear, because it’s a dead giveaway that freakshow's on the loose.
This next one flies under the radar, and with good reason. Vanilla Bean seems so innocent; nobody would expect that it’s the preferred flavor of most serial killers. Anyone eating this safe of a flavor has got to be hiding something. You name it - Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, the Ice Truck Killer from Dexter - they all love vanilla ice cream, so be careful. Note: If they put chocolate fudge topping on the vanilla ice cream, any chance that they are a serial killer is instantly negated. Serial killers just don’t eat chocolate. Nobody could ever be unhappy enough to kill someone if they’re eating chocolate. Hippies, flower children, and people who vote for Ralph Nader have a tendency to gravitate towards the Maize-NBerry flavor. Yes, it’s intended for the hated Wolverines, but really it’s the color of innocent sunflowers, the summer sun, and free love. The swirl of berry just adds to the psychedelic effect that all those paisley-wearing kids are drawn to these days. Whether they’re playing sweet, sweet melodies on their guitars, or becoming one with Mother Gaea by dancing along the Red Cedar, Maize-N-Berry’s happy-go-lucky look jives with their groovy vibe, man. Orange Sherbet brings the mad scientist’s out of the woodwork. The bright color, the intense scent—it basically looks like something right out of your six-year-old self’s Dr. Dreadful’s Food Laboratory. Wacky scienticians, with their hair sticking out in every direction, their expression frazzled
from working on impossible equations all day, and their hands shaking for a sketchy reason nobody’s really sure about. It is they, and only they who step up and mumble-order the sherbet. It’s the one frivolity they possess, and it might just be what they need to jump-start their next big discovery. Okay, it probably won’t, but it’s nice to know that your average mad scientist eats ice cream, too. So keep an eye out for these lovely MSU Dairy Store patrons the next time you head out on your late-night, sweet-binge trip. Well, minus those vanilla-ordering axe murderers. Maybe just stay away from them and the Pistachio Nut-balls who keep asking you to find the keys in their pocket, and you’re golden. Enjoy!
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The Black Sheep Presidential Debate alex everardwrote this
Greetings readers and registered voters. The Black Sheep has invited Incumbent President Barack Obama and GOP challenger Mitt Romney to join us as at our first official presidential debate. Since Michigan is a key battleground state in this year’s election, both Obama and Romney agreed to sit down with us and discuss the tough issues. The text that follows consists of their unfiltered responses (We told them this was all “off-the-record” and we’d consult their PR people for official statements…gotcha!)
TBS: Eloquently put, Mr. President. Mr. Romney, your turn. Romney: Well, you see, America is like a company. And I’m like the boss. I’m good at being the boss. I was born a boss. Seriously, I fired my first worker at the age of four. How does this help the economy grow? Simple: outsource our debt. It may sound far-fetched, but if we fire enough people in America, there will be room in the private sector to bring in foreign workers. Then, once they’re here, we deport them (after paying them 1/3 of American wages). Now we will have effectively saddled foreign workers with our American debt, and then deported them back to their native lands, thus erasing all of our debt. Paul Ryan gets the credit for that plan, but I’m behind it 100%. TBS: Interesting. Next question: How will you help the average college student to graduate and find a job? Obama: This is an easy one. I demanded that Congress not raise Stafford Loan Interest rates to double their previous figures this summer and they responded, keeping loan rates down for the average student. Romney: I’m sorry, can you repeat the question? What is a “loan”? Is the “L” silent? TBS: Never mind, moving on. What do you consider to be the biggest mistake of your political career?
Ways To Disappoint Your Parents We’ve only been here three weeks, but most of you have already received three to four “WTF?!” texts from your parents. The cause behind these texts may vary from a naughty picture on Facebook to mooning Mrs. Lou Anna K. Simon, but here are the top ten ways you’ll end up turning your parent’s frowns even less upside down. Also, for the record, The Black Sheep would commend anyone for mooning el presidente—that sultry mistress needs a little exposure. 10. Drunk-dial them: It’s 3 a.m. and your “sober driver” is anything but. Naturally, you call the only ride you know will come and pick you up. One problem, they’re 400 miles away and have been in bed since 7:30. Oh well, hopefully good ol’ Alzheimer’s will take care of this little gaff before Mom and Dad write their wills.
The Black Sheep: Okay, one of the most crucial issues this year has been the economy. Barack, since you killed Osama, you get to answer first. How will you keep America on the road to full, robust recovery? Obama: (Signature Obama Pause) Well, that is a good question. I believe the answer is complex, but I will do my best to summarize my plan, which is: Keep balling so hard motherfuckers wanna fine us. Allow me to remind my fellow Americans that it’s not about how much you spend, but what you spend that shit on. My predecessor, George W. Bush, chose to spend nearly a trillie on two dumbass wars. That was not only cray, but also detrimental to the progressive movement of our country. I chose to ball-out on a stimulus and several other crucial bailouts that helped both the most ballin’ Americans and the least ballin’ Americans. And I stand by my choice as the economy continues to grow.
The Top 10
page 7
9. Everyone at the bar knows your name: This isn’t Cheers. Your parents realize this when you insist on eating at Richard’s All American Café’ during their campus visit. They now send you weekly flyers for AA groups.
Obama: I believe my biggest mistake was not throwing suicide doors on Air Force One. Romney: I regret not having more than one wife. It was stupid of me, really. I mean, my religion allows it, and I’ve made millions off of next-to-free labor. I could have had one wife doing speeches, one signing babies’ faces, and the other managing my $20 Million dollar buy-in fantasy football team. TBS: How do you feel about health care in America? Obama: Ask the Supreme Court. The actual Supreme Court, the one with Justices, not the basketball court I installed in the White House and named the Supreme Court. Romney: I hate Obama’s plan, people should definitely pay for health care even if they’re poor. In fact, my father taught me that poor people are the ones who should pay the most. Money is for rich people. TBS: Admirable. Final question: Barack, what would be the first action of your second term and Mitt, what would be your first act as president? Obama: I would actually quite smoking cigarettes. I told the American people I quit during my second year, but do you really think you can navigate an entire nation away from a Depression, save the auto industry and kill Osama Bin Laden without smoking a square every now and then? Romney: I would pretty much repeal everything Obama has done so far. Oh, and I’d make the White House way bigger. I can’t imagine how people live in such a tiny car elevatorless shack. One bowling alley? Do I look homeless to you?
8. Your STD test is sent to the billing address: Yeah, you said it would “just be this one time,” but it feels so much better when you live dangerously! The backlash happens when your results from Olin get mailed to your home address and your parents get to finally have “the talk” with you at the ripe old age of twenty-one. 7. The casino trip: You watched Rounders or Twenty-One and thought, “Hey, that could be me.” Nope, you’re not that good at cards and Ed Norton will always be prettier than you—both things that constantly disappoint Mom and Pop. Especially when you try to convince them that rent is due twice a month. 6. Your refrigerator mold collection: You’re mom bites her tongue, but that doesn’t stop her from vomiting when she witnesses the bacteria colony thriving in what was once edible food. That’ll teach her to expect basic levels of human hygiene from you! 5. Moon El Presidente Simon: D.I.F.S.—Do It For the Story; and also do it for your parents getting to see pictures of your pasty, freckled ass all over the news. 4. Race the police: Your parents will be fast and furious when they find out you owe a couple hundred bucks for trying to drag race down Burcham. 3. Leave your progress report out: Daddy doesn’t appreciate shelling out $25K a year for a GPA lower than your BAC last Tuesday night. 2. Show them your class schedule: Way to do Pops proud: taking Bowling, Weightlifting, Zombie Apocalypse Survival, and Economics of Sports - ensuring you’ll never get a real job and be forever financially reliant on him. 1. Flaunt your tolerance for booze at Thanksgiving: Your parents may be embarrassed that their nineteenyear-old can drink them under the table, and they should be embarrassed, but for their own lack of tolerance. Seriously, what happened to the mom I knew who did laundry every night because the fifth of schnapps was hidden in the hamper?
Garrison Rasmuesen wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve asked Siri on the iPhone? "What’s the Spanish word of the day?"- Alex G., Freshman
"Where’s the best place to dump a dead body?" - Max B., Senior
"After dropping my phone in my beer, I asked her if she liked how wet she was!" - Shelby I., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
page 7
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports Hannah Borland wrote this Ladies, if you’re lucky enough to have a man who puts up with both your complete lack of personality and utter reliance on him to drive you everywhere - congratulations. Pat yourself on the back for being eh, hot enough, and put down the Cosmo that’s telling you how to properly caress his balls. Seriously. If you’re brave and/or trashed enough to shackle yourself to one guy for more than the time it takes to get him to buy you a drink, the last place you should take advice from is women’s magazines. Indeed, if you want to take on the challenge of keeping a man happy, there is one, and only one question you need to ask yourself. And you better answer with an affirming jumping high-five! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!? Or baseball. Or basketball. Or pro bass fishing, if your guy is in Farmhouse. Face it, your man has a lot of fantasies, but did you know that not all of them are about you? At least .317% of them are sports-related. Specifically, having his own fantasy team. Note that you can’t be a member of this team. So how do you navigate this confusing world of mythical RBIs and make-believe second downs? How can you make sure you own stake in his little you-less sanctuary that is fantasy sports? By following our Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports, silly. Pro Tip 1: Show up at his draft party. Draft parties are totes boring sausage fests with way too many confusing numbers and statistics. Your guy will want nothing to do with it anymore after the first round when Aaron Rodgers, Sidney Crosby, or Kobe Bryant has already been drafted to Team Master Chief. Get your sweet, yoga ass over there to sit on his lap and keep him entertained through the boring hours of beer, wings, and icky male bonding. Pro Tip 2: Give him lots of advice on whom to put in on his game nights. Everybody knows that good-looking guys are more talented, nicer, and better at foreplay than ugly guys. So when your sweetie wants to have a total cave troll play for his team tonight, it’s your job to stop him! The sweet, cinnamon baby face of Blake Griffin must mean that he’s better than that bearded
jack-o-lantern LeBron James. Plus “power forward” sounds so much manlier than “small forward.” Pro Tip 3: Trash text the guys in his league. Strike fear into the hearts of your boo’s opponents by letting them know that they are going down hard—you know, like you when you want a new purse. Just a simple, “Ur team sucks! Get a girlfriend loser!” should do it. This tip is so effective that it will cause the entire league to stop talking to your man out of what we can only assume to be sheer terror. Pro Tip 4: Withhold sex unless he wins his match up. Fantasy sports are as important to guys as graduating college, so you need to show him you take his team as seriously as he does. If his guys aren’t scoring, he isn’t scoring. Trust us; he’ll appreciate this spirited dedication to his success and coital condemnation of his failure. Fantasy sports are not for the faint of heart. The next time you make eye contact with a guy over your Brody Square sushi that shows how worldly and daring you are, think twice. Ask yourself, “Will this end badly, with me sobbing and praying to the porcelain god while his suitemates do the pee dance? Or will it lead to me making him into a fantasy player with possibly the best record ever?” That may be a question you’d never thought you’d ask yourself, but follow our tips and you can make this season be his “fantasy come true.” Princess Leia costume not included.
IT’S LATE, IT’S LOUD, AND YOU NEED
A DUB NOW!
Thanks to our awesome Android App and online ordering system, you can quickly and easily place your favorite post-party order right from the comforts of that awesome red chair. Don’t forget the fries!
MENNASJOINT.COM
115 ALBERT AVE | 517-351-DUBS 4790 S HAGADORN RD | 517-324-DUBS
SCAN THE QR CODE TO DOWNLOAD OUR ANDROID APP TODAY!
VOTED #1 PLACE TO TAN! OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK | FREE PARKING WE ACCEPT SPARTAN CASH!
VIPTANNING.COM FIND US ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER!
Available Here!
DOWNLOAD OUR APP AND GET THESE SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE! MORE BARS COMING EVERY WEEK!
1215 EAST GRAND RIVER AVENUE | EAST LANSING | (517) 332-4847
The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.
$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
SPECIAL NIGHT
WED, 9/19 THURS, 9/20 FRI, 9/21
TUES: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's Wednesday $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Daily Specials: Monday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 - Pints $3.50 $2.50 – Call Long Drinks Islands Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
6 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints 3P.M. BURGER BASH $3.00-–8P.M. Well Drinks $1 Burgers Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Saturday$1 9pm-Close 27 $3.50 – All Pints (excludes top shelf liqours) $3.00 – Well Drinks 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING Sunday All Day $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Miller MimosasLt, Coors Lt, $3.00 – Pints Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands Shots $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
9pm – Close Every Day
½ Off – Potato Skins Come Party! The Week's Over, Hush Puppies & Onion Rings
SUNDAY: $3 Bloody Marys Thursday Friday Saturday $3 Mimosas 31 1 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $3.00 ALL Draft Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $8 Burger and Pint Special 7
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
14 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
SAT, 9/22
ITS A GREAT DAY TO BE A SPARTAN! $3.50 All Flavored Vodka's $3.50 Captain Morgans $3 Wells and Domestic Beers $3 Soco Lime, $3 Kamikaze Shots DJ BIG MIKE
15
1/2 Off Night The Ice Boxers DJ Juan Trevino
16
22 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
23 STAR FARM
LADIES NIGHT! 28 Little Black 29 Dress Vodkas 30 $3.50 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats $3.50 Pints $3 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
Dublin Square Irish Pub
Rd Lt, Miller Lite, $3.50 Pints327ofAbbott Coors East Lansing MI 48823 Labatt Blue Light For More Information Contact Us: $3.50 Well Liquor (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net DJ Donnie D Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
9
The Whirly Birds
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
21 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
8
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb
$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats
Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
SUN, 9/23
Sundays are for Detroit Lions Football!
$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
MON, 9/24
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
TUES, 9/25
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
WED, 9/26
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
LOOK FRESH THIS FALL! REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE SLEEK LOOKS - BIG SEXY - CURLY SEXY - HEALTHY SEXY - SOLUTION - AMERICAN CREW - TOTAL RESULTS - BED HEAD - JOICO - PAUL MITCHELL -REDKEN - BIOLAGE - SLEEK LOOKS
USE THE PASSWORD “TAILGATING” TO GET A HAIRCUT FOR ONLY $8.99!
205 M.A.C AVE | (517) 897-1499 2843 E. GRAND RIVER | (517) 332-5477
Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
go green, go white! Specials run open-close 7 days a week
SPECIAL NIGHT
18+ Night! Doors open at 10
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 9/19
Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 9/20
TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 9/21
THURSDAY: Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
Go Green! Go White!
All Out Saturdays $3 Long Island $2 PBR and Keystone Drafts Late Night French Toast Sticks
Come try our Green Meanie!
Country Night $1 Pints 6-8 P.M.
$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 9/23
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 9/24
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 9/25
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 9/26
Happy Hour Tue-Sun 6-9 P.M. $2 Everything Bar Crawl? Contact Marc@elevatedendeavors.com
1/2 OFF NIGHT!
18+ Night! Doors open at 10
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $6 Spartan Spirits $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
SAT, 9/22
DOWNLOAD OUR APP AND GET THESE SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE! MORE BARS COMING EVERY WEEK!
The Bar Grid
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Sweaty People Problems Andrew Rickerman wrote this So you’re a sweaty person. No, not the kind who slightly perspires from their lower back after a “comfortable” jog (there is no such thing) or marginally “pits-out” in a 120 degree lecture hall. You envy these people, and most certainly detest them due to their uncanny ability to deal with physical exertion and heat. At least we do here at The Black Sheep. If you get sweaty the way we get sweaty, then the mere thought of moving—let alone that half hour trek to Akers in 80% humidity - is utterly horrifying because of your awareness to the likely outcomes: shame, possible pruniness, and the need to change your dampened shirt. Our staff is full of compassion and good intentions, so we want to help everybody deal with their eternally moist skin. These tips will not eliminate soaking through clothing as your body’s hobby, that’s inevitable. But they will help you survive the last few sticky weeks of school (and über-heated winters) with some sense of dignity left intact. Your Living Space: Whether your domain is some decaying house, a dilapidated apartment or—God forbid—the dorms, odds are it’ll be hotter than a camel’s dusty sphincter. So our advice for this area is two-fold. First, invest in as many fans as your outlets will allow. Your microwave is useless (we know you have Menna’s on speed-dial) and you definitely don’t need that shiny new lamp – it only adds to the inferno, and seriously, in the immortal words of Smash Mouth “You might as well be walkin’ on the sun.” Second, wear nothing. Eh, lets change that to “limit your clothing.” Nobody likes fresh squeezed body-juice all over their futon (by that I mean sweat, get your mind out of the gutter), so make sure you have some whitey-tighties on at the very least - no one likes an unabashed sweatster. Hopefully, after stripping down, any hot living quarters will begin to feel somewhat bearable. (Editor’s note: I enjoy sprawling out on the futon in my whitey-tighties with a nice tall glass of milk. Attracts the vag, if you know what I’m sayin’.) Getting Around Campus: There’s always that one guy who looks as if he just ran the Boston Marathon in any large lecture hall. It’s a sad sight and uncomfortable for everyone involved, especially when he starts dripping on you. Strive to not be this person. To avoid this scenario, map out your routes to class based upon which buildings have air conditioning,
and be sure to provide yourself some ample time for cool-down pit-stops. By the time you mosey into your suffocating classroom, you’ll be refreshed and eager to learn, while your counterparts sweat like a bunch of “sick” girls at the OBGYN. Oh, you say there aren’t any air-conditioned buildings en route to your class? Well, that’s nothing a midday nap in the climate-controlled library can’t fix. Also of note: hand dryers. Down the shirt, on your pits, down your drawers – air that shit out. Going Out: Lucky for you, it should be cooler once you venture out for the evening’s festivities. On top of rocking as little clothing as possible, you should pick up a delightful little habit called smoking. What better excuse to escape a sweltering house party than going to light up outside? A cool breeze is made even more enjoyable when fill your lungs with tar at the same time! This gives you the opportunity to befriend any other Marlboro Man wannabes/fellow sweat-chiefs, and be able to look like a cooler person now that you smoke! Your teeth and lungs will be stained, but you’ll save yourself from staining somebody’s couch with your swass. Finally, if all else fails, embrace your nastiness. When you sweat you release pheromones, and these guys essentially ask potential partners, “where you finna to sleep tonight, baby?” So even though you’re wet and stinky and look like an all around vile individual, at least you’re giving off the right inSTINKtual signals.
page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week lindsay b. harrison roadhouse Age: 23
Best hangover cure: Another shot of Jameson.
Nickname: Blazin’ Major: Sports Marketing Relationship status: In a relationship Best old time bar sing along: Sweet Caroline Favorite type of liquor: Jameson Ideal predrinking meal: A case and a fifth. Describe your typical customer: Dickbags
the drinking game
across the bridge Feeling lucky? This game takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! It also requires little thought and physical movement. As that weird-looking chick from The Hunger Games says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.” What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and your brew of choice. Number of Players: Two or more. Just make sure you have enough cards! Level of Intoxication: If you’re lucky, you’ll get tipsy. If you’re unlucky, you’ll black out. How to Play: - Deal ten cards face down in a straight line for your “bridge.” - One player starts the game by flipping the first card. - If the card is a 2 through 10, the player can move on to flipping the next card. - If the flipped card is a face card (jack, queen, king or ace), the player must drink (one second for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king, and four for an ace). - The player must also add cards onto the end of your bridge (one for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king and four for an ace). - The next player flips their next card and continues the game in the same fashion. The Game Ends When: One player stumbles all the way across the bridge. In that case, shuffle the cards and start over.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Personal theme song: "Hell on Wheels" by Eric Church. Craziest place you’ve hooked up: On a kayak on the 4th of July in broad daylight. Rockstar you want to party with: Zeppelin Favorite drunk food: Cheese. I’d rather have boys buy me cheese than roses. Favorite sex position: All of them.
Recipe for Disaster
impost0r cinnastix You’re at the peak of your “munchies stage” and you’re craving Domino’s Cinnastix, however you’re too lazy to get off your ass and walk to a Domino’s. Then you realize your pocket full of dollar bills is now just a pocket full of bad decisions and the aroma of stripper perfume. What do you do? Make these Impostor Cinnastix, that’s what! What You’ll Need: Bread, butter, sugar, cinnamon, milk, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: If you’re on a diet, just stop reading now. Let’s Get Baked: - Lay pieces of bread onto a piece of foil. - Microwave ¼ cup of butter. - Spread the butter across your pieces of bread. - Mix 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar in a bowl. - Sprinkle your cinnamon sugar on top of your bread. - Let your bread bake in the oven for 10 minutes on 150 degrees. - In a separate bowl, mix ¼ cup of melted butter with ¼ tablespoon of milk and 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar. - Mix well until it looks like icing. - Take your bread out of the oven and let cool. - Drizzle your icing on top of your bread. Bring these with you to the bars and sell them for five bucks a piece to those drunken girls who “need something to absorb the obscene amount of alcohol they drank.” Yeah, good luck with that.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
Point / Counter Point:
Fall TV Shows 666 Park Avenue (ABC)
Ben and Kate (FOX)
Q: A young couple moves into a “too good to be true” apartment complex, and if you haven’t figured it out already from the spoon-fed title, it’s haunted. Who cares about a plot when the preview shows people being sucked into the walls by spirits or committing suicide off the edge of the building? It looks like nothing new, just the same old “whipping out an old book to find out the dragon insignia in the shitter is an evil omen” run-around. Just move you assholes. Problem solved.
Q: Ben is played by Academy Award-winning Nat Foxan, and his older sister Kate is played by Dakota Johnson. Ben is the lovable, awkward man-child, and Kate is the uptight but quirky single mom “trying to make ends meet.” While on the surface this looks like a pretty typical setup, Ben will walk the line of getting under your skin and being endearing/funny perfectly - if you can keep your eyes off his mangled grill, that is.
B: “A streetwise lawyer born and raised in New Jersey joins a posh New York City law firm, where she must defend her clients while surviving her colleagues’ skepticism and her Italian family’s constant interruptions.” In other words, a paint-by-numbers drama full of over-the-top stereotypes. WHAT-A? YOU NO LOVE-A YA MOMMA’S SPICY MEAT-A-BALL NO MORE NOW YOU A BIG CITY GIRL? GABBAGOO!!!
B: The only upside this show offers is the offthe-charts awkwardness potential. Roommate comedies thrive off of tired odd couple tropes, so when it comes time for Ben and Kate to do, “the single mom gets laid” episode, having Ben say, “I can’t believe I had to hear you during sex last night, you cried harder than when dad spanked you,” will be fun for the whole family.
Q: Get over yourself. If people aren’t constantly reminded of stereotypes, how will we ever know when to judge one another? How will our kids know how to walk the line between “playing it by the book” and “getting their hands dirty once in a while”? A bully beats them up – do they give the perp a few cheap shots before turning him in? We need these shows, Brendan, not everyone can paint without numbers.
B: Ah, but Quinn, don’t you see that the producers are taking horror to a whole new level? Because this family leveraged all their assets to afford their Manhattan apartment, they can’t move without dealing with a citizen’s greatest fear: The IRS. Certainly this show is just an extended metaphor for the plight of the American homeowner in the post-recession real estate horrorscape.
The New Normal (FOX)
Chicago Fire (nbc)
B: Listen up, Hollywood. If your best idea for convincing closed-minded people in flyover states that two dudes getting hitched is okay is a shitty sitcom about a gay couple adopting a baby, we as a nation have much larger problems.
B: A show. About firefighters. In Chicago. Produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, this show promises to have the firefighters discover a fire, threaten it without evidence, get frustrated, find a new fire, question it, only to find that it was the first fire’s fault the whole time right when there’s like, three minutes left in each episode. In 2015 prepare for spinoffs Chicago Fire: Lake Forest and Chicago Fire: Aurora.
Q: How else do you want them to represent this classic struggle? People in Hollywood are progressive and better looking, everyone else is backwards and old. If sitcoms aren’t the beacon of change in this country, then yes, we as a nation have much larger problems. I look forward to Digger & Greene the unlikely law partnership of the son of an Oil Baron and a UC Berkeley hippie.
Q: Did you want this to be about the Chicago Fire soccer team, or Mrs. O’Leary? It’s called ESPN, Brendan, and they air US Soccer matches at least twice a year. No, this procedural drama is about a bunch of sexy firefighters (modeled after real Chicago firefighters), putting out fires and taking their shirts off. GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL (in my pants).
Made in Jersey (CBS)
Just like the World Masturbation Championships, the fall TV schedule offers different strokes for different folks. With such a wide breadth of programming, it’s smarrt-- nay-- necessary to have qualified experts breaking down which new shows you should spend time watching this fall. Sadly, we don’t have any experts. Hell, we can barely afford pants. We do have two editors, though. So, we made Quinn and Brendan debate the merits of eight shows debuting this fall.
Malibu Country (abc)
Q: So this is just Reba right? They are trying to say it’s not, but the lead role is Reba McEntire playing “A mother of two kids, and a once country music sensation trying to get her foot back in the door.” Our only hope is that this show is very dark – Reba moves her family to Malibu, but fails to jumpstart her music career. She delves deep into depression and huffing computer dusters, only to accidentally microwave her youngest daughter in the season finale. B: God, then the second season opens up with Reba getting off on a technicality, only now she has a taste for blood. At night she roams the streets of Malibu, committing random acts of violence on unsuspecting rich couples. Thankfully, the Malibu PD have just the man for the case, a grizzled old cop (Jeff Foxworthy) who’s only days away from retirement. He’s following the trail of blood…and it’s on her hands.
The Mindy Project (FOX) Animal Practice (nbc) B: Ah, a show actually worthy of excitement. After years of seasoning on The Office, Mindy Kaling gets her opportunity to shine. Though The Office may be a shell of its former self, it’s the Bill Walsh of TV shows, spawning disciples that have created current great, Parks and Recreation. Kaling doesn’t rely on any crutches -- like her gender or ethnicity -- to be funny, so don’t expect any terrible CBS-quality jokes about how hard it is to have one’s period in a sari. Q: Kelly is annoying, and this seems to be the same character. A female OBGYN with a “unique persona” trying to navigate her personal and professional life? She’s a rom-com aficionado? Give Creed from The Office his own show. Please.
Q: As much as one would hate to see anything replace the current NBC lineup, this show might be decent. Whether or not it was the psychotic clusterfu*ck that was the closing ceremonies it aired after, the pilot seemed okay. We really like Justin Kirk (Andy from Weeds) and this show looks like that same character with a mix of Dr. House, but in a veterinary. B: Eh, the dialogue in this show is ruff-er than tree BARK!
the interview
menomena
Portland indie rockers Menomena are releasing a new album, Moms, on September 18th before kicking off a nationwide tour. Because they have moms, and we have moms, and you have moms, we thought it would be a wise decision to talk to them. But not about their moms, though. That stuff’s personal, man. Catch them in Chicago on October 19th, at the Metro. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When starting a new album, what mindset do you put yourself in? Justin Harris: We’ve never put ourselves in the mindset, like, we’re making a concept album. On Moms in particular, early on there was a theme, at least, and it gives us a chance to think about issues that you want to write about. But again, it’s not a concept album my any means. TBS: You guys often introduce new instruments into your music. Is that your attempt to create a specific sound you’re looking for, or just a challenge to yourself? Justin: A lot of the time it’s, “How do we make that sound?” TBS: Have you ever had an experience where it just didn’t work? Justin: Yeah, definitely. [Laughs] There might be a couple of times on this album where we’re not sure if it’ll work or not. TBS: There’s democracy behind your songwriting, when do you know you have a finished song? Justin: For us, it’s the person who started writing a song who decides when the song is done. For me, over the years I’ve become familiar with the process. When I start playing something, I see it getting better, and eventually I just knowing when it’s done. TBS: You guys go to great lengths to recreate how your album sounds live on stage. Why? Justin: I don’t know, we started off early on thinking that’s what you do. You create your music on stage. Sure, it won’t sound exactly the same, but it’s really important to make sure the signatures of the songs are recreated on stage. TBS: With all that stuff going on, how much practice gets into making sure you can perform without screwing something up? Justin: A lot. We spend a lot of individual time working on getting to that point. On one of our songs on the last album I was supposed to be able to play this sax part and this bass part while on stage. Then I handed over the sax part to someone else, but it turns out my body wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t do one without the other, because I had trained my body to do both. It was an interesting realization for me. TBS: So how do you strike the balance between doing all that and still having a sense of showmanship? Justin: It’s something I struggle with daily. There’s a big part of me that wishes I could just go up there and play my instruments, but there’s an element of showmanship that’s necessary in a live show. The more we play songs, the easier it is to incorporate that kind of stuff as part of the show. At the same time, it helps that we have a really animated drummer. [Laughs] TBS: What kind of music are you interested in that your fans wouldn’t assume you’re interested in? Justin: Man, I wish I could ask [band mate] Danny Siem, he listens to a much wider variety of music than I do. I went to the symphony last weekend with a friend of mine, and it got me thinking about symphonics. TBS: What would you consider your greatest athletic achievement? Justin: Hmm, it’s been many years. I pitched a no-hitter in high school.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
the perks of being a wallflower in theaters - 9/21 Based on the 1999 uber-emotional (albeit, spot-on) novel by Stephen Chbosky, Perks tells the tale of self-proclaimed wallflower Charlie (Logan Lerman), an incoming high school freshman. The first-person narrative takes us through his highs and lows of adolescence, from the freeing feeling of being infinite to his rocky pursuit of his friend's sister (Emma Watson). no doubt - push and shove in store - 9/25 Sure, Gwen Stefani has released two solo albums in the past decade that were so successful that that shit was bananas. But the group has a whole hasn't released an album since 2001's Rock Steady, and these Californians have been hard at work on their latest album since 2010. Push and Shove, their sixth studio album, features beat geniuses Diplo and Major Lazer. Check out "Settle Down" and "Push and Shove."
brickleberry 9/25 @ 10:30pm on comedyy central If you watched Tosh.0 last season, you know a thing or two about the new animated series from the disturbed yet hilarious mind of comedian Daniel Tosh. With celebrities galore doing the voiceovers of these national park forest rangers, we're looking forward to a new animated comedy that is one part Parks and Rec and one part South Park.
the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Wedding destination: • Dominican Republic • Dom Peditro, Brazil • Domino’s Pizza • Downtown Des Moines
type of cake: • Vegan Pomegranate • Cookie Cake • Oreo Ice Cream Cake • Your Sister’s Leftovers
career path: • Italian Chef • Telemarketer • Crab Fisherman • Car Wash Cashier
Token drunken attendee: • Mother of the Groom • Grandfather of the Bride • Maid of Honor • Midlife Crisis Priest
Honeymoon adventure: • Hammock Camping • Rain Forest Exploration • Jamaica, Queens • Mt. Everest
midlife crisis: • Buys Mercedes Convertible • Face tattoo • Plastic Surgery ala Heidi Montag • Mike’s Hard Lemonade Addict
Wedding entree: • Spaghetti • Chef Boyardee Ravioli • AYCE Soup & Salad • Frozen Lasagna
Pet acquired: • Bottle-nosed Dolphin • Common Marmoset • Maine Coon Kitten • Lice
Claim to Fame: • EDM Sensation • Becomes Facebook CEO • Breeds Kangaroos • Stops World Hunger
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
VOTED #1 PLACE TO TAN!
Where else can you tan for $1 a day? OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK | FREE PARKING SINGLE SESSIONS, MONTH UNLIMITED, MEMBERSHIPS, GROUP PACKAGES AND MORE AVAILABLE WE ACCEPT SPARTAN CASH!
Available Here! All beds and stand-ups, 12 minutes or less
VIPTANNING.COM
FIND US ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER!
1215 EAST GRAND RIVER AVENUE EAST LANSING | (517) 332-4847
more play less pay
scan & like
now leasing for fall 2013 • apply @ abbottpl.com
free CATA bus pass included + resort-style amenities + private bedrooms + individual leases + fully furnished
abbottpl.com // 517.324.9880 // 2501 Abbot Rd // text “ABBOTTPL” to 39649 SEE OFFICE FOR DETAILS | STANDARD TEXT RATES APPLY