Michigan State - Issue 4 - 1/30/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

F RAN REE... DOS LIKE DUR SNU ING GGL A P ING OL A WIT RV O RT H EX.

Vol. 10, Issue 4

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

1/29/14 - 2/5/14

THE BLACK SHEEP AND

THE SWEATSHOP MOVEMENT BY: CODY MANTHEI “Enthusiasm is the mother of effort, and without it nothing great was ever achieved.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson It has come to our attention that the pure patriotism that this great country was founded on has begun to crumble around us, cascading down in an avalanche of freeloaders with their pockets empty and their hands out. The value of a hard day’s work is lost on the youth of this country, and is especially lost on those entrenched in the communal ritual we call a university. Not only do these low lives refuse to work, but they fight against those who work to make this great nation of ours the leading global power of what is right and efficient. We are discussing, obviously, the youthful political movement against sweatshops. Sweatshop . . . Democracy. It’s not a coincidence that both of these words have nine letters in them, because it is engrained in our system of democracy and capitalism to strive to be better, to work from the bottom up until you reach the stars — because nothing is better than dying from a lack of oxygen. Frankly, it seems odd that anybody at Michigan State University, or even this heroic country of ours, would stand up against the American Dream. Consider the Apple Corporation, which is a business with roots that extend deep into our culture of freedom. These men are so dedicated to freedom, that they are also one of the leading forces behind the sweatshops’ rights movement, a fantastic organization that knows nothing can be achieved without a little hard work, and maybe a few lost limbs. But you know what comes with these children’s limbs? The iPhone 5S. Look at yours right now! That’s the product of unadulterated patriotism right there. Now crack open a cold one, freedom fighter. Our hearts break for those children like Jimmy* — the ones who have been forced out of work by people trying to “liberate” them. When they see their friends come home from a sixteen-hour day with two cents in their pockets, they must be aflame with covetousness. These children have no hope except the loosely given promise of a capitalist system, God bless it. And with student organizations trying to undermine this hope, we must fight back, we must find a way to eradicate the communists and liberals from our sweatshops and help these children in need. If you give just fifteen dollars a day, we can help keep kids such as Jimmy in the rightful place on the sweatshop floor. Just call 1-(800)-LOU-ANNA-K-IS-FOR-SWEATSHOPS. If you can’t donate, there is still so much that you can do to help the pro

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THE JOY OF MASTURBATING THE FLU AWAY

OUR OWN DR. WAZ TELLS THE SECRETS OF MASTURBATING AWAY ILLNESS.

sweatshop movement that’s sweeping the nation. The most imperative thing you can do to help these kids and keep democracy alive is simple: buy shit. Support the big businesses of this country, keeping buying the new iPads even though they aren’t any different from the last one you purchased just three months ago. Buy that $200 dress you were thinking about, because some little old lady sewed it with her arthritis-riddled hands just for you. Get those new Nikes, the kids who make 3,000 pairs a

day will thank you personally for giving their journey towards democracy meaning. Let’s put MSU on the map, people, and make people know that we won’t stand for injustice. We won’t rest until everybody in the third world works for us. *Name has been changed to avoid the inevitable shame that comes with being unemployed at age five.

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PAGE 9

THE SCIENCE OF THE HANGOVER

BUZZFEED NOSTALGIA THREATENS STUDENT’S LIFE

YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE HUNGOVER (TOO MANY FOUR LOKOS), BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHY?

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h o m o re Colleen, Sop

“Winter CATA bus rides.”

h o m o re Jaclyn, Sop

“Football, because it’s a contact sport.”

o m o re Katie, Soph

“Anything in the medical profession.”

THE

TOP

TEN

REASONS THEY LEFT YOU BY: ZOË KREMKE

Unfortunately, the rosy glow of your newfound college love all but wore off, and now your bang bear has left you in a metaphorical snow bank, cold and alone, for the elusive opportunity to once again be single and wild in college. Now, you might be wondering how this could have happened, because you definitely didn’t see it coming! Here are the top ten reasons that he or she left you:

THE JOY OF MASTURBATING THE FLU AWAY BY: GARRISON RASMUSSEN We’re at that point in the semester when going to class is optional due to temperatures taking an icy dip below zero. While most have an unspoken agreement about this attendance rule, some of our Spartan kin seem to care about the 20% attendance grade and show up to class, not hungover, every so often. And since it is balls-shivering cold outside, those who choose to attend class will likely fall ill and proceed to spread their infection butter on buttholes. Therefore, we present to you a simple, but handy, guide on how to pass the time while being sick. Logically, there are three activities to do while housing the flu. First, you can eat then throw it all up again. Second, you can watch Netflix all the way through, again. Which leads us to the third option, which is masturbation. Show of hands, who has already masturbated twice today? How many since starting this article? Now, who didn’t raise their hand because they’re using it to masturbate right now? People already masturbate daily for its astounding health benefits. 87% of the time, a daily masturbation sesh can help to avoid a trip to the doctor and, subsequently, an inaccurate STD diagnosis. So why not use that science and masturbate the flu away? Clear your body of toxins, release beautiful endorphins, get the blood flowing, and fall back into a deeper nap than Nyquil could ever give you. When you first wake up in the morning, the excellent opportunity for squeezing one off arises. It’s early, and your roommate should

be out and about attempting to fit in and “be successful.” Getting off may prove difficult what with the body aches, uncontrollable coughing, and snot dripping down past your nipples, but luckily we all have a poster of Ryan Gosling shamelessly hanging on the wall that guys and girls alike get a “panties drop” shiver whenever his blue eyes gaze upon you. “Hey girl, I can’t heal your cold, but come on up next to me and I’ll make you feel hot in an instant.” So whip open that laptop, pound the keyboard with keystrokes so familiar you could do hit them in your sleep, then do all those same things to your downstairs parts. The virus may make your body say no at first, but it’ll give in. A few minutes later and you won’t remember ever having the flu, let alone what that pile of Kleenex is doing next to your bed. By now, your brain’s supply of endorphins should be rightfully be spent, and your body should be on a euphoric rush never before achieved. While your mind, heart, and genitalia are telling you to call it quits and go back to sleep, it’s in your favor to make sure this flu is cast off once and for all. So whip out the lube and your crusted over laptop, and give yourself the old Sparty one two. After this sexual explosion occurs, your body will faint, but fear not; you’ll awaken the next morning feeling fit as a fiddle, because even with today’s medical advances, fiddles have proven to be the best measurement of health. Go on out and experience life now, killer. You worked hard to overcome that debilitating disease.

10.) They found your Xena: Warrior Princess fan fiction collection: Contrary to what you apparently think, nothing about having a fan fiction collection of any kind is cool. Xena the Warrior Princess may be a badass babe who kicks ass and takes names on a regular basis, but it’s weird that you have stacks and stacks of obscure fan fiction that cost an arm and a leg buried under your bed. 9.) You suck at making pancakes: Maybe you wowed them with your impressive culinary skills by whipping up some ramen last week, and so when they woke up next to you, accepting your morning breath and bed head, they were probably expecting some type of payoff. No, we’re not talking about a sexual pay off. We’re talking about pancakes. If you burnt those bad boys, it’s likely your partner peaced out before they had to sign on to a long-term relationship of shitty pancakes. 8.) You thought it was okay to take your socks off: At no point in a relationship should you ever take your socks off. That shit should be reserved for the blessed confines of marriage. Nobody wants to see your smelly, fuzzy feet, or your ingrown, yellowing pinky toenail. You should’ve kept those to yourself, friend. 7.) You mentioned that you hate Finding Nemo: Finding Nemo is a beautiful film about a father and a handicapped son finding each other and overcoming all odds. If you so much as hinted at disliking this film, it definitely gave your partner grounds for leaving you, as clearly you have no soul and hate handicapped fish (and people). 6.) Your farts smell offputtingly like flowers: Everyone blows air out their buttholes. But if you let one rip in front of your significant other while snuggling up on your already fart-stained couch, and it smelled oddly like lavender, that’s weird. Nobody wants to be with someone who has inhuman scents escape their body at inopportune moments, especially if it’s unexpected and unexplained. 5.) You say words like “cappuccino” and “spaghetti” with an Italian accent: Come on, bro. You are so clearly not Italian, and you have no right to be parading a fake accent to sound cooler than you actually are. This sort of acting up just screams of egotism, and nobody wants to deal with that for more than five seconds. Your partner stayed quiet out of embarrassment for you, you pretentious freak. 4.) You glare at babies: In what world is it appropriate to glare at a stranger’s baby, unprovoked? That baby has done absolutely nothing to you, and doesn’t deserve to be corrupted by your cynicism. Now, if the baby gave you the stink eye, that’s a different story entirely. 3.) You insist on keeping your baby teeth: It was weird when your mom did it for scrapbooking purposes. It’s weirder now that you’ve hijacked them and kept them in a little box in your dresser. Most people would find those and wonder if you have some random child’s teeth in your room, and oddly enough, it’s almost weirder when they find out that those teeth are actually your own. It screams of unresolved childhood issues, and that’s why they bailed. 2.) You vacuum before 8 a.m.: Although nothing feels better than having a nice, clean carpet to start your day off on the right foot, it’s pretty rude to vacuum at a time that’s designated for sleep. At the very least you could wake the neighbors, and it’s that kind of inconsiderate attitude that landed you with a table for one at No Thai!. 1.) You’re just not that interesting: Maybe they noticed it when they were talking to you after classes, or maybe they caught on to the fact that all you ever wanted to do was watch Breaking Bad and drink a few bedtime beers before falling asleep on the couch. Regardless, if they did the leaving, barring that they were a crazy person, it was probably you, not them. No offense.

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Inner Monologue of An Undergrad Who Sees the Dark Side: Grad School BY: BOB RODRIGUEZ Graduate school: the dark hole where students say goodbye to their hopes and dreams in the pursuit of useless knowledge, circular discussions, and a pointless courseload that is an undergraduate student’s worst nightmare. Enter Frankie Swarez, unsuspecting senior communications major who, with one semester left, tries to find a blow off class in order to reach the twelve credit, full time student sweet spot. Between yoga, Great Lakes sailing, and an online wine class, the credits haven’t quite added up yet… Something like gender studies or East African studies is probably the best bet… some class that doesn’t sound like a real subject he thinks as he continues to scroll through the course list on schedule builder. Religious studies! Perfect! Click, and enrolled. Now to reward myself with a tater tot binge, followed by a nap. His initial excitement quickly fades, when upon the first class he learns he’s made a huge mistake when the professor announces that Religion 475 is the same class as Religion 890. Oh god, oh god, oh god. I’m surrounded by grad students. My life is over. Pretention is all around me. I’m suffocating!

I’m just gonna sit here until this class is over and doodle Muhammads to calm myself down. At least my scribblings will look relevant to the course content. Oh god, I need out of here. Fast forward a month into the semester, and some over-achiever is rambling on about Emile Durkheim and the relevance of functionalism for far too long. Whatever happened to the good ‘ole days when showing up to an ISS class a few times a semester was considered impressive? Now I’m stuck in a class of twenty students where I can’t very well hide in the back of the room and snort chili powder. I have a week to designate this a pass/fail, and then I’m outta here and on my way to a lifelong career in middle management, just like I always dreamt about as a kid. Skating by with a C was all Frankie needed to do, and in a graduate class that still requires quite a bit of attention. But Frankie wasn’t prepared for this — he was still in blow-off mode: Wow. I really like the professor’s beard. I wish I could grow a beard. I probably won’t be able to until I’m well into my thirties. Pugs are so ugly they’re cute. I can’t believe how much weed I smoked yesterday.

Alright we’re a whole fifteen minutes in. I’ll make it out of this alive. I just have to focus on the pictures in the PowerPoint slide. Focus on the attractive beards and black and white photography. I should’ve just taken art history. It’s all paintings of naked chicks and sculpted marble dicks. I would’ve aced that class without breaking a sweat. Damn that tater tot celebration, distracting me from reading the course descriptions. The clock continues to tick while afternoon digestion kicks in. Part of the reason Frankie chose this class was its perfect Thursday-afternoon time slot — late

enough that he could sleep off his Wednesday night bender with a greasy pre-class chicken schwarma wrap on a weekly basis. But again, this was graduate school, and Frankie’s overwhelming nerves didn’t mix well with the schwarma … Oh, Yahweh, Allah, and the twelve apostles… I should not have eaten that chicken schwarma wrap before class. I need to take a dump, like, now. . The sound of an explosive fart finally silences the pedants. Only two and a half months left.

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The Science of

THE HANGOVER BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF

It’s all too familiar. The pounding headache, possible vomiting, definite regret, and the horrible body pains that make it constantly seem like an alien is attempting to escape from beneath your skin. But why, god, why, do you feel this way? ‘Cause you drank too much, dumbass. But beyond that, there’s a hell of a lot of science at work in the toxic wasteland that is your body. So let’s talk about why we’re here. Yes, you were drinking all night. And therefore you were probably been peeing all night. That’s because alcohol is a diuretic. What that means, friends, is that you were pissing out more water than you were taking in. And that brings us to the first cause of your terrible hangover: serious dehydration. Your dehydrated body is very upset with you. In fact, it’s actually stealing water from anywhere it can. Oh, by the way, that includes YOUR BRAIN. This is why you have that pounding headache. Your brain is literally shrinking in an attempt to provide your body with enough water to, you know, function. So remember, water is your best friend during, before, and after a crazy drinking spree. Let’s move on to why every cell in your body is screaming in protest. This is due the way your body processes the things you put inside it. In this case, you have chosen to literally fill it with poison juice. Great job. Your liver goes through a lot of steps to turn that alcohol into harmless, easily expellable acetate. The way that acetate is produced is by these little buggers called glutathione. Unfortunately, you drank more poison than the glutathione can convert at once, and you don’t have enough to fix it. But wait! There’s more! Before the glutathione can make any acetate at all, the alcohol has to be turned into acetaldehyde. Here’s the problem: acetaldehyde is really toxic. Toxic to the tune of twenty times more than the original alcohol! What? That’s terrible. Yes it is terrible and it’s

why you feel terrible. Your body normally has enough glutathione to immediately produce acetate. But since your ass drank a ton, it can’t do that right now. This leaves all that evil acetaldehyde free to torturously tour your body until it can be converted. You are essentially more full of toxic nonsense than you were last night. How crazy bananas is that? Really crazy bananas. Knowing the science of why you feel like shit won’t make you feel better, but using some science to prevent it can. For example, fatty foods aid in slowing alcohol absorption as well as help in preventing stomach irritation. Carbohydrates can even ease nausea. So before you stuff your face with vodka, why not chow down on a slice of Mesa’s mac &and cheese? Fatty foods are amazingly delicious and will keep the tiny pain chickens from running around, pecking at you internally the next day. Also, aspirin (not acetaminophen -- that will piss off your liver more) has been proven to aid in your body’s process of expelling all that booze. After a night of drinking, pop an aspirin and chug some water before bed. You’ll thank us later. Finally, if you’re really desperate to avoid that hangover, avoid dark-colored alcohol and red wine. Dark booze contains more congeners, and those are just some lovely extra toxins to deal with. Although here at The Black Sheep, we feel whiskey is worth it. Well, hasn’t this been fun-ducational! You now know why your body loathes you for your drinking choices, as well as a few ways to attempt to combat the horrible aftermath. We could say “the only true cure for a hangover is to drink less,” but we won’t because that’s just crazy talk. Instead just rely on coffee, water, and good old fashioned determination.

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Buzzfeed Nostalgia Threatens Freshman Student’s College Life BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF Since the beginning of second semester, MSU sophomore Shannon Burkes has become increasingly caught up in ‘90s nostalgia. Sources closest to Burkes report that her sudden blast from the past occurred after she began viewing a series of Buzzfeed articles reminding the 20-year-old about the good old days, back in 1997. “She came back from break a completely different person,” said Burkes’ current roommate, Amanda Fitz. “I was late arriving back at school but when I got here, our room looked like someone’s storage room had exploded.” “There were Beanie Babies covering every inch of the floor along with a few Furbies who were awake and asking for food,” said RA Mindy Calaway. “She apparently spent her book money on copies of The Baby-Sitters Club and replaced all of her supplies with Lisa Frank trapper keepers and gel pens.” Burkes also reportedly hung up dozens of posters featuring past boy bands such

SB PR RE IA NK G

as N’SYNC and 98 Degrees as well as teen heartthrobs Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell.

to be respectful, to which she obliged, until a few moments later in which she proceeded to yell, ‘NOT!’”

“We had heard about Shannon’s recent habits but we didn’t think there was anything wrong with her interest in the past,” said the girl’s father. “It wasn’t until last week that we realized her situation was much more severe.”

Witnesses claim that as Professor Leonard turned his back to write on the chalkboard, Burkes pelted him with multiple Sticky Hands and wads of Big League chewing gum before running out of the lecture hall. Campus police were able to apprehend Burkes a few blocks away as she tried to escape on her Razor scooter.

In a report given by university officials, Burkes was removed for disruption of the educational environment after an incident that occurred last Tuesday during her communication class. In a statement taken by her professor, Burkes was scheduled to present a speech but arrived over 30 minutes late for class. In the 20 minutes she was present, Burkes obsessively whacked a slap bracelet across her wrist and played on her Tamagotchi, disrupting the students in her vicinity. “I’ve never witnessed such a lack of maturity in a female college student,” said Professor Leonard. “I repeatedly asked her

After a recent spike in web traffic to the Buzzfeed website, researchers have been responding to various cases across the country in which college students are experiencing abrupt changes in cognitive and physical behaviors after reading articles posted on the site. “Despite efforts to educate students through more reputable news sites and blogs, college kids today are fixated on Buzzfeed articles, primarily due to their fun GIFs and ease of reading through Top Number lists,” explained psychiatrist

Michael Dunham. Research supports that the popularity of the site is correlated with students focusing their interests and styles towards trendy pages as a way of obtaining positive feedback from their peers. It could also be the reason why Burkes’ demeanor changed so drastically. “In college, students often struggle to find their identity with so many different outlets at their disposal,” stated Dr. Dunham. “Shannon may believe that she reached her peak as a poster child of the

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‘90s and therefore has reverted back to a time where she feels accepted as opposed to the stresses of college.” In light of this new evidence, the university has blocked the use of Buzzfeed on the campus’ network. In order to prevent future occurrences, students are being urged to read actual news instead of blog posts written by nostalgia-driven delusionists. Burkes is currently staying at home under parental supervision as her condition continues to be monitored.

2 0 1 4

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Next Big Rockstar Discovered at Frat Party BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF Cancel the rest of this season’s American Idol, because America’s newest music sensation has been found right here on the MSU campus. Junior Alex Halinski began honing his musical skills last Friday afternoon when he found a guitar under a pile of clothes in his room. “I was looking for my favorite ‘Party With Sluts’ jersey to wear to the gym when I found this guitar underneath all my dirty laundry,” Alex said. “When I saw it originally, I had no clue how it got there. Then I remembered that I stole it from some sissy emo singer an open mic last semester when I was blacked out. I just walked up on stage and ripped it out of his hands. No one even said anything! That’s how you know he sucked.” So what inspired Alex to start actually playing the instrument? “I was thinking to myself, ‘This would be a great way to get laid.’ I knew—even though I don’t know shit about music—that I could score some serious pussy if I learned two or three songs that chicks like. Look at OneRepublic, those dudes blow ass, but I bet you they

get prime pussy every night because they play guitar and girls like what they play. So yeah, tail was definitely the only motivating factor for me.” Halinski made his musical debut later that Friday night at the party held in his fraternity house. Five people attended the concert held in Alex’s room, and the performance was met with high praise and adulation from fans. “OH MY GOD I LOOOOOOOOVE THIS SONG!” remarked freshman Tiffany Hall during Halinski’s performance of the opening riff of Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” Sophomore Jayson Tompkins said, “That guy really hit the nail on the head with his rendition of Green Day’s 'Time of Your Life.' The way he kept missing notes and screwing up the intro riff sounds made him sound exactly like Billie Joe Armstrong. He got pissed when we asked him to play “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and instead started a rendition of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” in the key of B sharp. The creative freedom he takes with these classics isunbelievable. His talents are truly bottomless.”

Sophomore Mary Selvey captured Halinski’s performance on her camera phone and sent the video to everyone on her Snapchat friends list. One of the lucky recipients was Steve Barnett, Chief Executive Officer of Capitol Music Group, who was somehow added to Mary’s list after the app’s hacking earlier this month. “I was excited to receive that Snap from Mary because I was looking forward to seeing more nudes,” said Barnett. “But it ended up being better than tit pics. That grainy, vertically-shot cell phone video showcased a superstar, one that we had to have.” Barnett was so impressed with Halinski’s abilities that he immediately sent him the paperwork for a multi-million dollar record deal. The following day, a hungover Alex Halinski signed on to Capitol Records. When asked about being signed to a label that’s home to such musicians as Katy Perry and Capital Cities, Alex said, “Wait, do I get to meet Katy Perry? Dude, I wanna do a Russian on her so bad!” Capitol Music Group’s executive vice presi-

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dent Michelle Jubelirer issued a statement saying, “With a talent like his, we couldn’t afford NOT to sign Alex to a deal. It would only have been a matter of time before other record labels started banging on his door offering even more lucrative contracts to have him play exclusively for them. And there was no way in hell we were going to let those sons of bitches at Sony Music have a chance at him.” Although things are moving very quickly for Halinski, he’s enjoying the rush and looking forward to his first single, “Three Minutes of Me Playing Nothing but the ‘Smoke on the Water’ Riff,” dropping at the end of January. There are also talks of start-

ing a country-wide tour within the coming weeks. Fame and fortune hasn’t changed Alex, though. He remains grounded by the same values he held in his humble beginnings. “I swear to God, if I don’t get laid tonight I’m quitting,” he said. “I did not put in all this time over the past three days learning these stupid songs to not have sex with hot chicks.” As for the future, Alex says, he’ll probably stick with “this music thing” until he gets bored. “Then I’ll move on to something like target shooting. Yeah, something with guns. Bitches love dudes who pack heat.”

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) American History: What equine-based delivery company existed in the American west in 1860 and 1861? 2) Cartoons: What famous Simpsons character is voiced by Kelsey Grammer? 3) American Universities: What university system’s schools have mascots including the Gauchos, Banana Slugs, Anteaters and Bears? 4) Martial Arts: What throwing and takedown-based martial art’s name literally translates to, “The Gentle Way”? 5) Album Covers: What band’s 16-times platinum self-titled album is better known

MARY CATHERINE, SERVICE CENTER REPRESENTATIVE

DRINKING GAME High School Reunion 2014 Here at The Black Sheep, we like to think that all friendships can stand the test of time. Starting conversations with people you haven’t talked to in years is always awkward and uncomfortable alone, but with a group of friends and liquid conversation enhancers available, it can make for the most fun and entertaining way to get blocked, reported, and hopefully slapped with a “cease and desist” message! What You’ll Need: A group of friends (preferably ones you went to high school with), a laptop, a die, and a god-tier sense of humility. Number of Players: 2+, but the more the merrier. Going alone will cause the game to go from “a blast” to “cripplingly depressing.” Level of Intoxication: Senior prom throwback. How to Play: - One player logs onto Facebook and opens their friends list. Another player must pick an old friend/ stranger from high school currently online to chat up. Roll a die. This will serve as the conversation starter: - If you roll a 1, type: “Hey! It’s been a while, X!” - For a 2: “So, like … why are we not friends anymore???” - For a 3: “Contrary to popular belief, I always thought you were the prettier rose in the thorn bush.” - For a 4: “I know we don’t talk anymore, but I REALLY need to say something…” - For a 5: “Personally, I think Y got heavier. What do you think, X?” - For a 6: “Horsepucky! In angels do we scream ‘breast milk?’ Please, save the children!” - Insert their name in X, insert someone else’s name

in Y. - The conversation must flow naturally. It must not end until each player has had a turn at responding. - If a player fails to respond within 30 seconds/does not elicit a response, they must finish their drink and pass the laptop. - The last player in the rotation may end the conversation if desired. - Once the conversation has ended, everyone finishes their drinks. Someone new must log in to their Facebook, pick a new friend and repeat the process. - Additionally, drink when the “friend”: - Displays disgust - Seems oddly into the conversation - Posts an emoticon - Uses an ellipses - Finish your drinks if you are unfriended during the conversation. The Game Ends When: Whoever’s logged in starts getting paranoid and all white-knighty. Someone’s gotta do it. This game will probably be a big influence in deciding your attendance at the reunion in 10 years. It’ll also be a nice way to clean out your 800+ “friends” list.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

as The Black Album because of its all-black album cover? 6) Famous Quotes: In 1945 who stated, “I am become Death, destroyer of worlds”? 7) Sports: Masahiro Tanaka recently signed a $155 million dollar deal with what sports franchise? 8) Science: What is the difference between an endothermic and exothermic reaction? 9) Movies: There are nine 2014 Oscar Nominations for Best Picture. Name Six. 10) Reality TV: New Bravo! series 100 Days of Summer takes place in this American city.

MC’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Snail Mail 2) Bart 3) U. of California 4) Tai-Chi 5) The Beatles 6) Michael Cera 7) Baseball 8) Internal heat, external heat 9) Silver Linings Playbook, Frozen, Lone Survivor, The Wolf of Wall Street, Saving Mr. Banks 10) Denver, Colorado

1) The Pony Express 2) Sideshow Bob 3) U. of California 4) Judo 5) Metallica 6) Robert Oppenheimer 7) New York Yankees 8) One gives off heat, one takes in heat 9) Her, Nebraska, The Wolf of Wall Street, American Hustle, Captain Phillips, 12 Years a Slave, Gravity, Philomena, Dallas Buyer’s Club 10) Chicago

Mary Catherine’s Score: 1 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Grilled Cheese Pizza You’ve just arrived home after striking out with random potential hookups left and right. Now, in addition to choosing tonight’s “adult entertainment” on your laptop, you’re forced to decide between pizza or grilled cheese to celebrate defeat. Our answer: Why not both? What You’ll Need: 8 slices of bread (yeah, you’re downing a whole one tonight), 1/4 cup of butter, 1/8 teaspoon of garlic powder, 1 teaspoon of Italian seasoning, slices of mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese, and pizza sauce. You can toss pepperoni and other optional goodies in there if you wish. Cook Time: 20 minutes, give or take. Fatty Factor: Depends on your choice of processed foods. If you’re rocking plastic cheese and butter “spread,” be ready to throw your heart a curveball. Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the butter, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning in a small bowl. This is going to be the base spread for all your spices. - If you’re adding any meats like pepperoni, pop them in a microwave to warm them up. - Pre-heat a skillet to medium heat. - Spread your spice-infused butter on one side of a slice of bread and plant it on the skillet. Now deck out the non-butter side with whatever cheeses and meats you want. - Butter up another side of a slice and place it atop the skillet slice, butter side up. - Keep flipping until the insides are all melty and the bread is a toasty brown. - Repeat for all the remaining bread slices, cut the finished “pizzas” in half, and treat yourself to some pizza dipping sauce and a date with hyper-exaggerated videos of what tonight never was. Loneliness never tasted so good. Get used to that flavor too, you’ve got a long, empty life ahead of you.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Justin s e i t i l a e b e i B

the street Now, he’s back on . em st sy e ic st ju What brity dzilla. But what if? ile that is the cele st Go rn ’s tu at e th th t, h ai ug -w ro afire indiscrimin Bieber passed th ur, probably. a, spewing atomic k for a DUI, Justin hr ee ot w M st g la in ed ht ng. One of these fo st fig re ga o, ar n ky g iso in To tt pr ng a ge yi r in te jo tro Af --des e’re certain he’d untold proportions ass in jail? Well, w s hi sit m wreaking havoc of hi g in ak ok at Bieber, m if they threw the bo

Justin Bieber Declares himself part of the aryan Brotherhood As of Friday night, roughly 24 hours after his arrest for impaired drag racing and one hour into the mandatory eight-hour “drying out period” required for all DUI arrests, sources close to Justin Bieber are indicating he has aligned himself with The Aryan Brotherhood. He managed to orchestrate a tweet from behind prison walls, which confirmed his membership in the white supremacist organization:

While it is known that Bieber was planning his retirement shortly after a dip into the R&B genre, his rejection of the genre and its fans comes as a shock to many. However, his nation of Beliebers remains unphased. “It’s like, Justin knows everything. He has such a big heart, and I love love love him so much. So if he thinks blacks, hispanics, Chinese, Jews and whatevers should go [redacted] from a fucking [redacted], then I do too,” said Chelsea Simpson, 13 of California, who retweeted Justin’s sentiments along with 63,000 other teenage fans. The Black Sheep was unable to reach Bieber for comment, besides him telling us to take our “[redacted]loving paper and shove it up [our] virgin assholes.” Further persistence saw Mr. Bieber agree to speak to us through “Hitler’s Taint,” the Miami-Dade Aryan Brotherhood’s chief: “Justin wasn’t happy with how inferior other races made him feel. He found the truth in our ways. He realized societal pressures made him dabble in R&B and thus led to his downfall. Oh yeah, and look at the officers who arrested him -- shocking -- this would have never happened if America weren’t run by a [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].”

Justin Bieber Initiated by the Black Guerilla Family The warden for the Miami-Dade County Jail, Jeremy Caramel, has confirmed with The Black Sheep that Justin Bieber has been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, a multi-state prison gang.

regarding the incident:

The Black Sheep reached out to the Bieber camp, and was granted a brief interview with the multi-platinum pop sensation.

Still, heavy bruising was evident on Bieber’s forearms, indicating he’d seen some physical harm during his time behind bars.

“Y’know man, growing up in Canada, I always had one black friend; now that I’ve been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, I have a lot of black friends. It’s a cracker’s dream come true.”

“Nah, you got it all wrong, bro,” Bieber noted in our The Black Sheep exclusive, “I told Terrence-- he’s the leader-- how much I liked Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise. He, uh, he didn’t like that. I thought all black guys did; I got what I deserved, I guess.”

Within the prison gang community The Black Guerilla Family is well-known for their intense initiation process, one which submits the prospective member to brutal beatings and psychological torture. Bieber had this to say

After mistakenly being booked at the MiamiDade County Women’s Jail, Miami authorities have issued a press release confirming speculation that Canadian singer Justin Bieber has joined the jail’s Lesbian Alliance. “We have spoken with Mr. Bieber,” the release reports, “and as we look to rectify our booking mistake, we understand the young man’s reason for joining the Lesbian Alliance.” “He’s in high demand,” Lesbian Alliance spokesperson Karen LaPosha commented, “there were catcalls from them lousy straights as soon as they saw him enter those barred doors; that coif is impossible to miss.” An anonymous source corroborated LaPosha’s story, “Listen, Justin’s no stranger to a woman’s affection towards him-- he’s been dealing with that for years now, but the ladies in here, they ain’t like the ladies out there. In here, he’s not a toy, he’s a tool. Some of these straight women, they ain’t had a dick in months, or even years. You could drag the bloated corpse of James Gandolfini in here and some’a these ladies would pay half a pack of smokes for a ride.” LaPosha was quick to note that Bieber

has oftentimes struggled to fit in with the Lesbian Alliance: “Yeah, he’s used to getting manicures and pedicures and all of that--listen, most of the women we run with, they don’t even wash their hair with soap, they use lye. When he asked if there was a waxing facility here in jail, one of our members laughed so hard she threw up.” All things considered, the Lesbian Alliance has been a boon for Bieber’s safety. LaPosha left The Black Sheep with this anecdote: “We assigned him two shower guards the other day, both came back saying he looked like a naked 12-year-old male gymnast. Gross, give me a hairy piece of pussy any day.”

We asked Terrence what it was like to have such a visible celebrity join his gang. “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?” the life-sentenced inmate wondered. Still, Beiber’s reasons for joining The Black Guerilla Family remained unclear. When pushed for a concise answer the pop celebrity was quick to reply: “Well, now that I’m in it, I can finally say nig—”

Insisting he get one final word in our “[redacted]loving newspaper,” Hitler’s Taint had this to say “Justin was the final key. In combining Aryan Brotherhood with the dedicated, white-washed masses of Bieber Nation, this country will finally be purified.”

justin Bieber aligns himself with Miami-Dade County Women’s Jail Lesbian Alliance

“Man, when you’re high off your dick on Percocet, you ain’t feelin’ shit. The gauntlet might as well have been a giggle time tickle tunnel.”

The Black Sheep will provide additional updates as this story unfolds.

El Bieber se Alinea con Mexican MAFIA DE LA PRISIÓN de Condado de Miami-Dade Nuevos reportes fuera del sistema penitenciario Miami indican que Justin Bieber de la música pop fama se ha unido a las filas de Mexican Mafia de la Prisión del Condado de Miami-Dade. La pandilla de la prisión desde hace mucho tiempo es conocido por el uso de su poder fuera de los muros de la prisión. Los rumores tienen abundan acerca de por qué señor Bieber se uniría a esta pandilla de prisión en particular, ya que él es de origen Canada. Sin embargo, La Oveja Negro fue directo a la fuente. Señor Bieber dijo a La Oveja Negro fue inmediatamente atraído por Mexican Mafia. “Tienen conexiones, yo,” dijo, y agregó “y entienden la angustia, hombre ... la angustia viene con el ser abandonado por una bella mujer como Selina.” “El corazón del hombre se rompió,” Ricardo Méndez, líder de la Mexican Mafia: Sector de Miami-Dade nos dijo. “Los fuegos de mil soles arde en el corazón de este hombre, y esos incendios fueron extinguidos cuando Selina pisoteó su amor. Estuvimos de luto por él, porque también nosotros adoramos señora Gómez.” Mientras que “El Biebs” puede sufrir una pérdida en la base de fans de esta medida, Mexican Mafia afirma que apoyará cualquier movimiento que hace, e incluso ayudar a encontrar trabajo fuera de la prisión en el cartel de la droga o el auge de la in-

dustria de la música ranchera. “Justin es sólo un muchacho, él es un ser humano, que es el hombre, sino que también es un tigre. Su alma se eleva como un águila, pero su mente está atrapada en una carcasa de plástico de la modernidad. La Mexican Mafia beliebs que prevalecerá contra la angustia de un coño perdona como Selina Gómez y la sociedad mecánica opresiva en la que floreció como una rosa en una caja de concreto. Niño Jesús llora por Bieber, así que lo celebran por hacerse tatuajes de su cara en el cuello “. Ricardo y su factor de están tratando de mover Justin Bieber hacia adelante en las filas de su pandilla, para hacerle frente a su organización. Sin embargo, no se sabe si esta historia de amor va a durar cuando la pena de prisión preliminar de Justin termina en dos horas.

THE SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAME When the Announcers....

During the Halftime Show....

Drink one when they say each other’s name. Drink two when Wilson or Manning is fellated. Drink three when Richard Sherman happens. Drink three each time the weather is noted. Drink five when they mention some NY thing.

Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity. Drink three between each medley. Drink five if a cover happens. Drink five for each guest appearance. Drink ten if a hat change takes place.

When the Team You Are Rooting For... Drink one when they complete a pass. Drink two for a ten-yard run. Drink two for any penalty on the other team. Drink two for any first down your team gets. Drink three for any field goal made.

Drink three for any sack your team causes. Drink four for any turnover your team causes. Drink four for any play over forty yards. Drink ten for any defensive touchdown. Drink ten if a trick play is attempted.

During the Commercials....

In Your Place...

Drink one for every hot babe. Drink three for every beer commercial. Drink four for each company you don’t know. Drink four every time animals are involved. Drink four when an adorable child is featured.

Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey. Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo. Drink three every time someone spills. Drink five when Weed Bowl is mentioned. Drink five if Peyton’s history is mentioned.

the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

The best man is... - Aziz Ansari - Edward Snowden - Stephen Hawking - Kanye West

The biggest mistake she made was… - Making out with the priest - Taking too many selfless - Puking on the wedding rings - Being too hungover to show up

Your signature entree was… - Doritos Locos Tacos - Vegan grilled cheese - Moonshine - Special K and almond milk

He pranks the wedding party by… - Throwing bleach on the outfits - Breaking the brides’ legs - Putting acid in the champagne - Inviting the Punk’d crew to film an episode

Oh hey, look who showed up! - Blue Ivy - Grumpy Cat - George W. Bush - Michael Cera

With a side of… - Organic banana chips - Chocolate ganache - Moonshine - Under-cooked chicken

The maid of honor is... - Courtney Stodden - Khloe Kardashian - Farrah Abraham - Katie Couric

And they brought you the best gift of all: - $100,000,000 - Two passes to Medieval Times in suburban Illinois - A noisy Pomeranian - A clearance rug from Urban Outfitters

And y’all lived happily ever after… - by having multiple affairs - hoarding kitties and puppies - applying chapstick to each other constantly - wearing your sunglasses at night

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