The Black Sheep FR
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lik e to sho m izz wer o ing do lls with . ti
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 6 10/3/12 -10/10/12
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The Adventures of Broadman Zach Wyrzykowski wrote this
A cool breeze rustles through the pines as multimillionaire businessman, Eli Broad, saunters through campus. Despite being fresh off creating a scholarship fund for underprivileged children who have been victim to erratic horse kicks to the head, Broad still isn’t satisfied. You see, the sun is setting this Friday night. And the students have begun debaucherizing. The roar of the Broadmobile cuts through the noise of subwoofers as Broad speeds down Shaw, chasing down the source of the large “EB” being projected into the sky. He slyly appears behind University President Lou Anna K. Simon. “Evening, Commissioner,” he rumbles. “Hello, Eli, and stop calling me that, I’m not a commissioner. We don’t have time for this. The trustees have decided that transitional housing is such a great idea that they’re going to demolish a third of the residence halls and put three students in every room. They’ve set charges on three halls already, and they’re primed for midnight!” Broad straightens, squaring his jaw. “How dare they. The dorms may be the last bastion of student independence. I held my tongue when they implemented using expired meat in the cafeteria. I gritted my teeth when they started dumping the poo-nami of doody, or rather the “post-cafeteria meat,” from the sick students in The Red Cedar. But this I cannot allow. Does their greed know no limit?” Bored, Simon pressed, “Yes, yes, something like that, bastions and whatnot. Now go stop the explosives!” Before she could finish her bellowing, the Broadmobile had already peeled out and sped away from the scene as if Amanda Bynes were driving. Darting through campus, Broad spots a herd of drunken partiers and hits the brakes. “I say, model youths, what’s the meaning of this?” he shouts out the window. The largest brute stumbles over and leans toward Broad before slurring, “Izz Friday, Papa Smurf, we’s gettin silly.” Taken aback, Broad retorts, “Why aren’t you studying? Why, when I was naught but a lad at this great institution—”, but before he can utter another word the student, clearly inspired, responds by projectile vomiting a mix of vodka, tacos, and gummy bears all over the Broadmobile. Disappointed, Broad speeds off focused again on his first task. “If I were a bomb hidden by a fuck-tard, where would I be?” he thought. Seconds later, Broad is at Hubbard's front entrance, gazing in bewilderment at the large, flashing “BOMB” sign pointing to
From the streets
what looks like a glob of C4 haphazardly stuck on a vintage alarm clock. “Just like Call of Duty,” he snickers, drawing an Xbox controller from his cardigan pocket. He holds down the “X” button and, amazingly, the bomb blinks off. While scampering to the next hall, a cloaked figure catches Broad’s eye. It plunges from the Beaumont Tower with ungodly speed, crumbling the ground below when it hits the sidewalk. A streetlamp reveals the face of super-villain turned Trustee Board Chairman, Joel Ferguson. “You’ll never diffuse all the charges, Broad,” Ferguson taunts. Eight other hooded figures appear, surrounding Broad. “Drat,” curses Broad, “I should’ve expected this!” The nine encircle Broad while he feels his life force, his desire for human decency, and his sex drive begin to drain. “They’re trying to turn me into one of them,” Broad exclaims in a panic.
what’s inside
None of his weapons are effective against the lifesucking board members: not the Broadarang, or the Broad Sword. Not even the Broadesian fighting staffs. However, Broad then has a stroke of genius—he quickly switches to his philanthropy gun and starts wildly firing rolls of money into the air. Distracted, his adversaries scamper off to gather the loot while Broad slips off into the shadows to defuse the bomb. Later, Broad returns to Simon and reports that the dorm has been saved. “Good work, I’m sure the students in all three of those halls give you their deepest gratitude.” “Er, right, three halls,” mumbles Broad before leaping back in the Broadmobile. As he speeds away, Broad turns up the radio to cover the sounds of explosions in the distance. Can't win 'em all, Broadman.
bartender of the week
what new feature are you most looking forward to in the iphone 6?
on a johnny quest for booze
you might have to blow a bro, but it's all worth it, right?
ally f. from the riv likes sideways sex and hates duck farts.
page 6
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page 11
page three
Sexy Anagrams
Credible Sumos
Do you know who these hotties are?
Crane Hotly last week’s answers
Shakira & Chris Hemsworth
Hey girl, you missed your mouth... just a little.
Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Meet The Staff campus managers Ziev Beresh & Justin Gawel
photographer Bailey Paskiewicz
Advertising ManagerS Victoria Bujny, Andrew Meggert Zach Martin, Michael Zalewsky
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli distribution manager Cara Stevens
owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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East Lansing: Cougartown, USA Andrew Rickerman wrote this “God damn crutches,” your mom mutters in disgust as she takes another swig of maple syrup. “If it wasn’t for them, I’d definitely find you a new daddy tonight!” Sadly, this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this infamous line from your mother at a restaurant – especially at this restaurant (Denny’s). “New daddies” have circulated through your home for as long as you can remember, and the shock has long since run its course. Now, said comments elicit a mere shrug. Aunt Bernice responds in comforting fashion, though, “Corrine, will you cut that shit out? College boys don’t exactly drool over a woman who’s just coming off her third bunion surgery of the year - and a fresh back waxing. If anyone is getting laid tonight it’s me.” Ah, yes, if there was ever a woman who had a knack for taking advantage of unsuspecting young men, it was Aunt Bernice, giddy to relive her year-and-a-half of college by getting plastered tonight, and possibly re-enrolling in order to drop out again. Aunt Bernice is usually the cool, gettin’ drunk with you at family reunions-aunt. Not today, though. Discussion at the table starts by covering your life’s usual topics such as, “Who dumped you last?” and “Why don’t you ever come home?” But the conversation rapidly transitions into more stimulating discourse. Like whom the likeliest candidate to be your father is besides, “that ass who doesn’t pay child support,” or the drum tech from the 1990 Guns ‘n Roses concert in Flint. This is family bonding at its best. Denny’s delivers another incredible meal and it is now time to escape these maternal prowlers to your own doings—or so you think. Your mother sweetly slurs, “I just miss my baby! Pleaaase go to one bar with us, only for a little bit.” Aunt Bernice adds matter-of-factly, “We’ll buy you drinks,” and, since alcoholism clearly has a strong foothold in your genes, you can’t say no. Next stop: Richard’s All American Café. You try your best not to stand out, but it’s difficult since your entourage is just a couple of loud, middle-aged lushes. They casually and shamelessly hit on any dude who walks by with little success. Their previously festive attitudes begin to wane and the sulking begins. That is until Aunt Bernice’s favorite Spartan walks through the door. Why it’s none other than Le’Veon Bell. Not only does Bernice enjoy his work on the football field, she has openly stated at every family brunch, wedding, and funeral that she would “love to make a man outta him.”
Step Up (3D), Aunt Bernice - opportunity knocks but once. Bernice downs a shot of liquid courage before approaching him, but once she looks up from nearly puking on the bar she can’t believe her eyes. Your mother is already gyrating and grinding her hips all over him on the dance floor – hooting and hollering and waving her crutch in the air as she uses the other to keep her upright. Le’Veon is apprehensive at first, but after viewing her arsenal of moves his interest spikes. They continue to boogie as Juvenile’s “Back That Ass Up” blares from the speakers while Aunt Bernice watches in disgust from the bar. She stays for a few minutes before ripping one last shot of vodka and salt, then heads back to the Marriott in defeat, as her fallback pickup line of, “Boy, let me see your dick,” seems to have lost the magic it had in her early years. For the sake of Aunt Bernice and your psyche, you attempt a last ditch effort to get your mother to leave, but she’s too busy listening to Le’Veon whisper sweet nothings into her ear. They ignore you, and a few minutes later stumble past you and head for the exit. It looks like you didn’t find your new daddy - your new daddy found you.
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Point-Counterpoint: 2012 Election
The Top 10
page 7
Reasons to Dump Your Significant Other I dedicate this list to my loving girlfriend, Crysta-Kay, who I am mad about (despite having a stripper name). You are my second muse. After whiskey, of course. 10.) You just don’t like them: This happens more often than not. You meet a guy freshman year and he’s a perfect gentleman. Fast-forward to junior year and all he does is sit around eating McDonalds and watching YouTube clips of circus accidents all day. The flame dies, yet the circle of life continues. 9.) They steal the entire bed: Waking up at 4:30 a.m., half of your body off the bed because your partner’s knees are breaking your spine is a problem. Unless they’re doing other things in the bedroom that counteract their stinginess on sheet real estate, drop their ass. 8.) They have herpes: This might sound insensitive, and that’s because it is. A four-month relationship does not justify a lifetime of the love bumps – and don’t pull the “90% of the population has it” line, it doesn’t make us want your mouth anywhere near our respective genitalia, any more. 7.) They won’t let you smoke weed: Even if you don’t smoke weed now, eventually you’ll come around to the dank side. You don’t want the old ball and chain to hold you back once you’ve broken bad. Come to the dank side, sex is better on the dank side.
Alex Everard wrote this Hey there, undecided voter! Oh, you’re decided are you? Well, did you know that Obama was born in a remote region of the rainforest where he was raised by socialist wolves? And that Mitt Romney is trying to rig the election by marrying as many women as possible and ordering them to vote for him? Not so decided now, huh? That’s what we’re here for. From the economy to NASA’s mission to find Planet Lunch, here is The Black Sheep editorial board’s point-counterpoint for this election’s big issues. Point: Barack Obama has brought the economy from the verge of a Second Great Depression where nobody could afford an iPhone back into a “slow-but-steady growth” since he took office in 2008. Counterpoint: He did it while not being a citizen of the United States and thus all the progress we made is imaginary. The raise your dad just got might as well have been in gum. Point: Mitt Romney ran a successful money-company at Bain Capital, which suggests that he is qualified to run both the presidency and the Russian mob. Counterpoint: America is not a company and you can’t fire people who are already unemployed. Point: Barack Obama was responsible for bailing out Detroit automakers, which have since posted record profits, essentially saving the entire Midwest. Romney wrote in the New York Times that he should have, “Let Detroit go bankrupt.” Counterpoint: Few people know that Romney planned to buy Detroit once it was bankrupt, outsource its labor to India and reboot the city as Romney Urban Estates, a city-wide country club, giving back a whopping .02% of profits back to the community in the form of golf balls. Point: As governor of Massachusetts, Romney implemented a health care plan nearly identical to The Affordable Care Act instituted by Obama, suggesting that Romney knows how to reconstruct our nation’s failing health care system as well as the President does. Counterpoint: Mitt Romney is pretending that never happened and vows to repeal Obamacare and replace “Honk For A Free Flu Shot Day” with “Honk For a Stop Being Lazy and Poor Punch in the Neck” on the first day of his presidency.
Point: Barack Obama convinced Congress to keep interest rates on student loans at their current rate last summer, instead of doubling them. Counterpoint: He was super forceful when he did it, and like, didn’t ask nicely and Congress was all like, “Ughh, fine but you’re a dick.” Point: Mitt Romney picked Paul Ryan as his running mate - a young, smart, strapping Republican who kind of looks like a cross between Woody from Toy Story and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Counterpoint: Paul Ryan might as well be a cowboy doll with a pull-string on his back that controls his voice box, because his speeches are actually worse than Romney’s. Point: Barack Obama was actually poor at one point, and in debt from student loans after college. Counterpoint: Can you trust a President who has probably had the dark, desperate, Ramen-diarrhea induced thoughts as you have? Point: Mitt Romney said that “47% of Americans are dependent on the government” and won’t vote for him anyway. He also said that he would have a better shot at winning if he were Latino. Counterpoint: To be fair, when he said “dependent” he meant “use public pools instead of privately owned lakes of Dasani water.” And when he said, “if I were Latino,” he meant, “if I were a Doritos Locos Taco.” It’s true, who wouldn’t vote for a Doritos Loco Taco? Point: Barack Obama attended a fundraiser hosted by Jay-Z and Beyonce in New York. Counterpoint: Mitt Romney bought all 25,000 tickets to Jay-Z’s next concert and burned them in a golden fireplace. There you have it, folks. Everything you need to know about these two candidates to make the informed decision come November. Obama will do whatever it takes to bring the economy back (but he is a socialist from the rainforest); Romney will pay you whatever you want to vote for him. Seriously. Name your price. If you’re still having trouble, just write in “Mark Dantonio” or “Alex Everard” on the ballot.
6.) They eat all of your bacon: Don’t act like there’s not about to be a god damned bacon shortage going on, people! Let your significant other know that if they even think about eating your bacon, you’ll break their neck and bury them in a refrigerator behind that burneddown Wendy’s faster than they can say “Baconator.” 5.) It feels like they are giving you a blowjob with a bag of broken glass: A blowjob is a refined art form that your girl should be at least somewhat versed in. If it feels like she is using a power sander instead of her mouth, you got to call it off. Sorry I’m not sorry, women with sandy mouths. 4.) They don’t like Bill Murray: Not only should you dump this person, but you should ultimately never congregate with them ever again. I mean, have you ever seen Groundhog Day? It’s incredible. 3.) They’ve never seen the movie Groundhog Day: This may be a personal issue, but in terms of film, this movie is in the top three all-time greatest films ever made. Watch it, love it; but certainly don’t ever fall in love with someone who has no intention of seeing it. They might as well have no intention of laughing or breathing. 2.) They’re a meth-addicted prostitute: This may seem like a no-brainer, but at first the thrill of their deviant lifestyle may intrigue you. However, they’ll soon start stealing your money for meth, crank, or catnip. And soon enough, you’re a hardened drug addict wallowing in the sewers of East Lansing (i.e. Rick’s bathroom). 10.) They don’t read The Black Sheep: A sense of humor is one of the first things you should look for in a relationship, and if your lover doesn’t get down with the flock, you shouldn’t get down with them. Now if you’re reading this and also a sexy girl/guy, know that our writing staff is very desperate, lonely, and definitely not a horde of Quasimodo’s who live in the sewers.
Cody Manthei wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What new feature are you most looking forward to in the iPhone 6?
"Friendship." - Nikolai W., Senior
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On a Johnny Quest For Booze Jess Martinelli wrote this Stumbling down the hallway, you’re barely able to see straight, and the smell of dorm carpet and microwavable steak jams into your nostrils. Reaching for the door handle is more of a physical challenge than even the most doubled of dares. After all, you’ve just endured a three-day, amphetamine-riddled study binge for a trifecta of exams scheduled back-toback. Inside the room a nap is the only thing on your mind, besides the obvious yearning to drink your weight in booze as soon as possible. Since the fake ID you made out of Scotch tape, Highlights stickers and an old business card won't work in East Lansing, the question is: how do you procure enough alcohol to effectively drown any PSY 133 knowledge out of your brain? Well, just like your business professors keep preaching: it’s all about networking. Upon awaking from your slumber, you venture over to your sister’s old neighbor’s house because you “Totally forgot to get his number, bro. And, like, the last time you were over you smoked more than a Californian forest fire.” After trying both doors, all lower level windows, and even peeking in his panic room, it’s evident that getting him to buy for you is about as likely as Paramount buying your horror screenplay, Shart Attack: Something’s Bubbling from Below. Still on the prowl for booze, you vigorously scan through your contacts until “Alex from acting class” floats into view. She answers, your voice deepens and you instinctually stick out your chest as if she can see you. “Blah how’s theater blah…so, hey, friend, can you buy for me?” She responds with the choppiest lie ever conceived: “Sorry I can’t, I uh, I just, well, oh yeah, that’s right, I have to take out the trash but someone stole our dumpster so now I’m walking, like, three miles to Old Country Buffet. I know, totally random, right?” She hangs up. What a bitch. You tae-bo out your frustrations on The Red Cedar until you turn to see an elderly woman staring like she’s talking to her cat’s ghost. You debate offering a favor to her in return for her buying you booze - however, you worry that she might die on you while she has your fourteen dollars. Not worth the risk, so you press on.
RIDE YOUR BIKE
One more sober hour will literally be the death of you. As you near a liquor store you suppress the urge to go Ocean’s Eleven on their asses, not with a elaborately clever heist, mind you, but rather just stealing some jugs of wine and running like hell. However, you lean towards the fan-favorite, tried and true, classic “Hey, Mister,” strategy. Leaning against the wall like a ‘50s movie beatnik, you subtlety throw out a “Hey,” to every person that walks into the store. After seven people (and one very sassy seeing-eye dog) intensely ignore your advances, you throw in the towel. Then, out of nowhere, like a light at the end of a blunt, it hits you. Not only do you know someone who can help you in this desperate time of need, but it’s someone that may need you as well. You know, that kid who went to your high school – the one who writes bad poetry and rarely converses with anyone except, of course, SmarterChild. This is that annoying acquaintance that will buy for you just to have fleeting contact with another human being instead of trying to drown themselves in the toilet again. As soon as Suicide Watch comes out of Quality Dairy and hands you that delicious remedy you requested, you run away with the speed of an Usain Bolt-jet engine hybrid. You return to your dorm and reap the spoils of your travels, then continue to delete all the email your parents send with, “You Might Be An Alcoholic If” in the subject line.
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The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.
$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
SPECIAL NIGHT
WED, 10/3 THURS, 10/4 FRI, 10/5
TUES: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's Wednesday $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Daily Specials: Monday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 - Pints $3.50 $2.50 – Call Long Drinks Islands Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
6 $2.00 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Premium Drafts $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 $2.50 – Call Drinks Friday 9pm-Close $3.50 – All Pints 3P.M. BURGER BASH $3.00-–8P.M. Well Drinks $1 Burgers Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Saturday$1 9pm-Close 27 $3.50 – All Pints (excludes top shelf liqours) $3.00 – Well Drinks 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING Sunday All Day $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Miller MimosasLt, Coors Lt, $3.00 – Pints Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands Shots $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
$3 All Drafts, $3 Jack Daniels 9pm – Close Every Day $3 Soco Lime & Kamakaze shots ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush $3 Puppies Wells & Onion Rings DJ BIG MIKE
THURS: LADIES NIGHT! $3.50 Little Black Dress Vodkas Thursday Friday Saturday $3.501 Pints 31 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $3 Well Liquor DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Donnie D 7
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
14 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
SAT, 10/6
ITS A GREAT DAY TO BE A SPARTAN! $3.50 All Flavored Vodka's $3.50 Captain Morgans $3 Wells and Domestic Beers $3 Soco Lime, $3 Kamikaze Shots DJ BIG MIKE
15
1/2 Off Night The Ice Boxers DJ Juan Trevino
16
22 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
23 STAR FARM
LADIES NIGHT! 28 Little Black 29 Dress Vodkas 30 $3.50 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats $3.50 Pints $3 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
Dublin Square Irish Pub
Rd Lt, Miller Lite, $3.50 Pints327ofAbbott Coors East Lansing MI 48823 Labatt Blue Light For More Information Contact Us: $3.50 Well Liquor (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net DJ Donnie D Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
9
The Whirly Birds
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
21 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
8
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)
MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb
$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats
Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
SUN, 10/7
Sundays are for Detroit Lions Football!
$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
MON, 10/8
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
TUES, 10/9
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
WED, 10/10
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
go green, go white! Specials run open-close 7 days a week
SPECIAL NIGHT
18+ Night! Doors open at 10
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 10/3
Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 10/4
TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 10/5
All Out Saturdays $3 Long Island $2 PBR and Keystone Drafts Late Night French Toast Sticks
Come try our Green Meanie!
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
SAT, 10/6
Country Night $1 Pints 6-8 P.M.
$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 10/7
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 10/8
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 10/9
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 10/10
THURSDAY: Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
Happy Hour Tue-Sun 6-9 P.M. $2 Everything Bar Crawl? Contact Marc@elevatedendeavors.com
1/2 OFF NIGHT!
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page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
How to Get Your Roommate to Move Out hannah borland wrote this Are you the type of person who displays geriatric-like behavior? Do you eat dinner at 5:15 p.m., go to bed early, and stay in on the weekends while the rest of us are out reenacting scenes from Jersey Shore? We thought so, and here at The Black Sheep we cater to squares such as your boring self. And you, my dude, are obviously the most geometrically correct square to ever crack open a Seagram’s Escapes Strawberry Daiquiri while playing Call of Duty on a Friday night. Well, at least that’s what your roommate thinks of you. Yes, we know your roommate is that guy or girl who goes out seven days a week to validate themselves, starts drinking at 5:30 a.m. the day before a noon football game, and wakes up your responsible ass every time they stumble in crying and/or farting at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday. We know exactly how many minutes you were late to that exam because you didn’t wake up to your alarm after enduring a night of your roommate banging a thick three-and-a-half. However, we know just how to get rid of your special little snowflake! Method 1: Proudly announce your status as a Jehovah’s Witness, Black Panther, atheist, Tea Partier, necromancer, etc… and never, ever stop talking about it. Hold daily meetings of the applicable group in your digs. People, including your roommate, hate others who actually give a shit about anything that they don’t see in the mirror every morning. Pro: Your roommate will be out of your life completely in less than one week. Con: So will everyone else. Method 2: Write a suicide note and sign it with your roommate’s name. Then nonchalantly leave it by the Spaghetti-O’s encrusted microwave for you roommate to find. For a better effect, casually, and I mean casually, sharpen your hunting knife collection while
“oohing” and “ahhing” over The Walking Dead or Slingblade. Pro: When your roommate goes into hiding, there will be no evidence that she even existed, save for her skeevy silk thong that has been on your kitchen floor for seven weeks. Perhaps her parents can clone her from the herpes still on it. Con: No, that’s not a PACE officer knocking at your door because your car isn’t parked at a perfect 90 degree angle in your driveway. It’s J. Edgar Hoover, and he’s not happy with your finally-wellrested ass. Method 3: Leave gaseous surprises for your roommate all over. We mean farts. No one wants to inhabit a place that perpetually smells like Wal-Mart mixed with Denny’s. Be sneaky about it—you don’t want him to realize that the new “Dude, what the shit is that?” smell is emanating from your balloon knot. If you’re a girl, perfect - you can continue to pretend that nothing comes out of your ass while subtly ripping ones that are more toxic than Agent Orange. Pro: He’ll GTFO, and your stomach won’t make that awkward groaning corpse noise when you have to hold one in. Con: You’ll quickly forget that farting in front of others is socially unacceptable and interrupt Chemistry 251 with a stinky organic reaction of your own. Methane, anyone? Method 4: Call the shit out of her parents. This is a low, low down play. A Blood would light a Crip on fire and eat the ashes before he stooped to calling the rival gang member’s mother, and even then he’d feel bad about it. Don’t do it unless you really mean it, because you’ll be the least honorable person on the streets of East Lansing, a population which includes a man who digs through the garbage for pissed-in returnables. Pro: Either she gets pulled out of school by her parents to have some quality time with Jesus on the farm, or she moves out
because she realizes you’re the biggest goody-two-shoes to ever attend college. Con: See above reference to Willie the Can Man. Get going, oh cursed one. You have knives to sharpen, groups to join, and beans to eat. May you never again live in fear of being ridiculed for only going out four nights a week. And may your next roommate be worthy enough to share your living space…or else.
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bartender of the week ally f. the riv Major: Advertising and Public Relations
asks for something fruity? Cranberry Vodka
Age: 19
Apple or PC? Apple
Nickname: Fiteny
Favorite Sex Position? Sideways
Relationship Status: Single
Best hangover cure: Chocolate shake
Worst Shot: Duck Fart: Kahlua, Crown Royal, Ryan's Irish Cream
Dream Job: PR for the Red Wings
Favorite Craft Brew: Blue Moon What MSU celebrity would you like to have drinks with? Draymond Green One Direction or N*SYNC? N*SYNC Favorite drink to make when a girl
the drinking game
chestbump This game may sound like it’s only made for frat bros, but if you’re a girl who can hold your own when it comes to beer, then feel free to join on in. This game will involve more stinky burps than a roadside truck stop. What You’ll Need: Cups, four ping pong balls, and beer. Number of Players: Four if you want to go hard, more if you actually want to remember your night. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be buying shots for the undercover cops at the bars later on. How to Play: - Have everyone pick a partner and sit across from them around the table. - Every player grabs one beer and divides it up between three cups arranged into a triangle in front of them. If you’re feeling competitive up the ante and play will full cups. - On “Go,” everyone bounces a ping pong ball across the table to their partner. The receiver has to bounce it off his or her chest and get it into one of the cups in front of them. - If your partner succeeds, he or she slides one of the beer cups over to the opponent on the right of them, who now has to chug its contents before continuing bouncing. - After a team has finished all of their cups, one last full beer is placed directly in the middle of the table. The team must double bounce the ball into the cup to win. The Game Ends When: The last beer has been finished and someone spews into the cups in front of them. Drink up, brah!
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What’s the weirdest thing in your purse? Besides the giant blunt? RIV V.I.P. cards. Would you have a threesome and what would be your ideal male to female ratio? Yes - two girls, one guy. Cheers or It’s Always Sunny? It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Cholesterol Toast If you don’t wake up every morning without a craving for greasy delicacies, then something is wrong with you. Just when you thought breakfast toast was just a crunchy piece of burnt bread, we found a recipe to change the world of morning meals. What You’ll Need: About a pound of bacon, bread, and some salt. Cook Time: Ten minutes. Fatty Factor: No amount of Cheerios is going to lower your cholesterol after this. Let’s Get Baked: - Grease up a frying pan and fry up all that bacon on your stove, preferably shirtless after a night of heavy drinking. - After all the bacon stops simmering and popping, remove it from the pan. Drop some bread in the pan with the leftover bacon grease and brown it evenly on both sides. - Once the bread is toasted remove it from the pan and sprinkle both sides with salt. - The way to eat it is up to you. We’re fans of creating a mega bacon weave and sandwiching it between a few slices of our cholesterol toast. Maybe grab some syrup and have some finger food dipping fun? Have 911 and a respirator on standby. You will have trouble breathing and your blood flow may slow down immensely. But it’s super delicious so at least the last thing you eat before you die will be totally worth it.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
the interview
zedd
If you haven’t heard the name Zedd, you have definitely heard his work. At twenty-three, having worked with an ambit of major artists – from Baby Biebs to Skrillex – Zedd has produced several chart-topping beats. Stepping into the spotlight with a full-length album, Clarity, Zedd is an artist worth picking up on (and following on Twitter @Zedd). By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’ve produced and toured with some pretty major artists - do you prefer being behind the scenes producing beats, or working on your own? Zedd: It really depends. I obviously love doing my own music because I don’t have to please anyone with my music. With all my love and respect to my whole team - at the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that I truly love something I did. If I do work for other people, especially major artists, there are so many people you have to make happy - compromises have to be made which I don’t like. At the same time I can try new things out if I work for other people that I would probably not have done for myself. TBS: You released Clarity to iTunes on October 2nd (October 9th everywhere). After a long list of singles and remixes, what made you transition to a full-length album? Zedd: You know, I really like releasing singles because you can put something out right after you finish it, and it’s still fresh and hot. Making a full-length album is very difficult, especially for us DJs who tour 24/7. Making an album is a huge commitment, but it also gives you the chance of expressing yourself in a way that is more detailed than you could ever do it with singles. If you put out a single all the attention is on one track. With an album you can very well show a wider range of yourself, make songs that would probably not be a good single, but a great album track, and fulfill a certain roll in an album - just like the tension is not constantly high in a movie, there’s ups and downs. I’m not talking about fillers; in fact I believe my album doesn’t have any fillers, but tracks can definitely tell a story in a context of an album that singles can’t. TBS: Any track you are particularly excited for on Clarity, or are they all equally awesome? Zedd: It’s very close to impossible to pick my favorite song. “Hourglass” is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written in my whole life and... yeah ... it’s really just the whole album that I’m mostly excited about, more than particular tracks. TBS: How do you describe Clarity in comparison to your past work? Zedd: Well, I think to a certain degree it’s probably a little bit more adult and experienced. Where the focus sometimes has been on making a big club-hit before, the focus on this album is to make music that is so timeless you can listen to it in 30 years and still be proud of the musicality in it. TBS: How do you build songs? Like, how did you come up with mixing Skrillex and The Doors for “Breakin’ a Sweat?” Zedd: Usually I’ll just play around on a keyboard or piano till I come up with the melodic / harmonic part; mostly the chorus or the hook. Then I make the parts around it. With my “Breakn’ A Sweat” remix Skrillex asked me to do a remix so that was a no-brainer for me. TBS: When you play live shows, do you feed off the crowd or do you come in with a strict setlist? Zedd: It’s a good mix of both. I prepare for shows depending on where I play and what type of crowd is expected. But a lot of the times the crowd will be completely different from what you expect, and in that case I switch up things. I have certain routines but there’s never a strict setlist. TBS: Your parents are musicians, and you started studying classic piano at a young age - how has that influenced you? And how much do your parents love your music? Zedd: It influenced me very much because I’ve learned about music theory, and learned to play several instruments – that’s stuff I can use to make music that’s a little different from a lot of other producers. This doesn’t mean they’re better or worse; it’s just different and I like being different. My parents actually like the music! They’ve never listened to electronic music before but they like the “musical” part of my music more than the sound-design aspect. TBS: Of those major artists you’ve worked with, are there any weird similarities you find between them? Like, do Skrillex and Baby Biebs have anything in common that the layman wouldn’t know? Zedd: [Laughs] Well, the biggest similarities are that they all share the same passion: music! Skrillex and Bieber, I’d say, have fairly different personalities but they’re both very passionate about what they do in their own ways. TBS: Your Twitter is pretty hilarious - is that all you? Zedd: [Laughs] Thank you! It is all me - and probably sometimes a little bit too much of “me” but I enjoy not thinking too much about what I say there. TBS: Also on Twitter, your about me is “Shave it up,” what’s that about? Zedd: Illuminati man... It’s all Illuminati! TBS: What’s one thing you can’t tour without? Zedd: I can’t tour without shows! I really can’t!
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Jersey Shore Season 6 Premiere Thursday, Oct. 4 at 10pm on MTV The final season of the cultural phenomenon made up of meatballs and meatheads is coming to a tearful end, the kind that only comes after six shots of vodka annd a drunk dial to mother. The dynamic of the house is different this time, however, with Nicole being 6 months pregnant. How will sober Snooki do in a house full of alcoholic maniacs? We can’t wait to see.
v/h/s In Theaters Oct. 5
This film, comprised of five short films, revolves around a woven narrative of a group of guys who break into a creepy house in search of one particular VHS. They then watch five, each of which is more messed up then the one before, and all terrifying as hell. V/H/S was available on iTunes weeks ago, so take it from us that this is one of the scariest movies you’ll see...except for those movies inside the movies.
mellowhype - numbers out oct. 9 Odd Future members Hodgy Beats and Left Brain team up to form the Los Angeles hip-hop duo MellowHype. With two studio albums already under their belt, not to mention plenty of features on Odd Future and Tyler, the Creator albums, and even a song on the Madden NFL 12 video game, these wacky dudes are certainly on their way to certified success.
mad swag
Would you consider yourself a trill OG? Are you down with that flow, yo? Are you reading this thinking, “Whoever wrote this is painfully white.”? Well, la-tee-dah. More importantly, can you decipher our Mad Swag? Below are several mondegreens - words replacing similar-sounding words - of well-known rap lyrics. Can you figure out what these artists are sayin'? email us the title of the song the lyric is from to madgab@theblacksheeponline. com and if you get them all right, you’ll win a prize!
Lives ab i tch hand ten nude eye
Soup her intend dose egg a ninja sis
Hi loafed win ewe calming beak pop huh
So far ash soak lean
Rapper: Nas
Rapper: Notorious B.I.G
Rapper: Notorious B.I.G
Rapper: Outkast
Hue mice hunch tine
Hi got nigh tee nigh bro blooms
La booty bro Emma moth kin pawn star
Yellow bee distiller orgy
Rapper: Lupe Fiasco
Rapper: Jay-Z
Rapper: Kanye West
Rapper: Dr. Dre
Smock we derriere
Adjust dope lava truck
Icee herb toy French ate in lick an idiot
Doughnut even a views my ache
Rapper: Snoop Dogg
Rapper: Eminem
Rapper: Lil’ Wayne
Rapper: Ice Cube
the classtime
90’s music stars Across
4) Sugar, salt, garlic, pepper, oregano 6) Don’t go burning ex-boyfriend’s houses down. 7) He’s a loser, baby. 9) Blue Ivy’s god mother's. 11) Just like rain on your wedding day. 14) Wake me up when this crossword ends. 16) Mmm, they’re all married with kids now. 18) Not Tyler Perry’s. 20) Titanic pipes.
8) Now she’s dancing with somebody upstairs. 10) Recently toured with the original 80s boy band. 12) Somehow still competes with women half her age. 13) Holds the longest-running #1 song in U.S. history. 15) With certainty. 17) Ladies loved this ripped rapper. 19) 14 minutes and 59 seconds of fame.
Down
1) Bye, bye, bye to all but one, really. 2) Definition of 90s grunge, and plaid. 3) Rocked the bald look very well. 5) The OG white rapper, after Vanilla Ice of course.
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