Michigan State - Issue 6 - 2/13/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FRE FRI E... LI DAY KE H .W H O O W YO WA N TS U A R E TO P THIS A RT Y?

Vol. 10, Issue 6

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

2/13/14 - 2/19/14

A VALENTINES DAY MESSAGE

FROM BRUCE THE HORSE COP, HORSE TOM WHITE WROTE THIS

Bruce the Horse Cop, Horse, here, citizens. How’s spring semester coming along, pals? Fred, are you doing well in your biology class? Ha, I bet! Well, keep at it, guy. And Charlie, I know organic chemistry can be tricky but keep your chin up, slugger. You know, I never thought I would say it, humans, but I miss seeing your drunken, rosy faces stumbling around on Saturday mornings for football games. I miss you bellowing hate speeches at anyone not in MSU gear, your “Holy shit! It’s a horse!” comments. Hell, I even miss the scabby, vagrant fingers of the co-op kids petting my face because they’re too high to tailgate. Just kidding. You can always count on Bruce the Horse Cop, Horse for three things: bringing the pain, top-notch horse puns, and the enforcing an absolutely zero tolerance, “no undergrad nonsense” policy. I do all of these things and more at a very relaxed trot, because there ain’t no sense in getting all worked up over the shit you kids think is “cool” and “acceptable.” And with Saint Valentine’s Day coming up, I’m back to remind you all that ole’ Brucey and Officer Jones are back in the saddle again — nailed it — and looking to bust some ass. So while you chumps are shacking up, getting all hot and heavy with foreplay, or dressing up as Wizard Mickey Mouse then quizzing each other on how to spell words while reaching your climax and venturing into opposite dark corners to flick your respective beans or franks while maintaining sultry eye contact, just know you better keep that behind closed doors and off my streets. I will not stand for the likes of you trying to get it on in the bushes. It’s cold out, and as much as my bitter horse heart would love to see you suffer frostbite on your naughty bits, it’s against everything I stand for to allow you grimy creatures to expose yourself in public. It’s nasty, upsetting, and trust me, you don’t want anyone comparing your shriveled up ginger root to Bruce the Horse Cop, Horse’s cock. In fact, the only thing I dislike more than not being able to bite those douche-kings mincing around campus with their floppy-tongued Timberland boots and Beats by Dre that scream shitty electronic music that sounds like a toaster filled with pennies crashing down a mountain of tin foil, is P.D.A. Why would you deem it appropriate to get funky where everyone can see you? You humans have no self-respect, and it’s

repulsive. Just the idea of your weird, soft bodies tangling together in some dark alley corner is enough to make me say neighhh and horsevomit into the nearest available freshman’s North Face. So, you so-called “Spartans,” let this be your warning, the Captain of Clam Blocking, the Magistrate of Mood Kill, the Admiral of Ass

Prevention, Bruce the Horse Cop, Horse, is looking for you. I’ll be out there stopping more people from getting laid than dirty buttholes do, because when I go after something, I mean business. Saddle up, Officer Jones; it’s going to be a bumpy ride of busting horny chumps before you can even say, “bust a nut.” Happy Valentine’s Day, you pack of hated hooligans. Better watch your back.

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TOP 10: MOVES TO NOT WATCH ON VALENTINE’S DAY

HOW TO TAKE YOUR BEST ASS PICTURE

THE INNER MONOLOGUE OF CUPID

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THE

TOP

TEN

MOVIES TO NOT WATCH ON VALENTINE’S DAY GAVIN OMARA WROTE THIS

So, you want to stay in this Valentine’s Day? Maybe make some dinner, pour a couple glasses of wine and enjoy a nice movie. But what movie should you watch? The Notebook, a classic love story, which you’ve probably seen multiple times. How about a feel good romantic comedy, like When Harry Met Sally or Crazy, Stupid, Love? Now, that would really get the mood going. Hell, maybe you’ll just throw in porn and see where that takes you. Whatever you do, if you’re in the mood for a laid back kind of evening on Valentine’s Day, do not, we repeat, do not watch anything from the following list of films. They’ll kill your boner faster than walking in on your grandma while masturbating. Warning, spoilers have been included to strengthen our argument. You’ll thank us in the end. 10.) Million Dollar Baby: A movie about a championship boxing match that ends pretty quick, because Hilary Swank’s bitch of an opponent sucker punches her, which causes her to break her neck. What happens next? We are forced to witness Clint Eastwood crying, and who wants to see Clint Eastwood cry, ever? The happy ending? There is no happy ending, just emptiness and a shaken worldview.

THE LINGERIE PLAYBOOK ZOË KREMKE WROTE THIS

It’s that time of year where the ladies pull out all of the red, pink, and white stops to look as dazzling as possible in hopes of wowing their significant other—or casual hookup—on Valentine’s Day night. Now, with all the media out there promoting what’s “sultry,” “sexy,” or our favorite “too hot to handle,” it’s easy to get lost in a sea of lace, frills, and g-strings. But just because some model in a magazine is telling you that you should wear angel wings doesn’t necessarily make it a good plan. So, fellow She Spartans, here’s a little playbook to guide you through what’s what this V-Day.

“THIS LOOK WILL [RETURN] HIM TO HIS CHILDHOOD, WHEN ALL HE WANTED WAS A STRONG, FEMALE MOTHER FIGURE.” Lace Anything: All right, this seems classic enough. Safe with a hint of sex appeal. Is that what you’re going for? Yeah? Good. You nailed it. But Valentine’s Day just isn’t about playing it safe. It’s about mixing it up. So rather than just lace panties, why not do a full-on lace outfit. We’re talking see-through lace leggings. It’s bound to be a hit with the folks at No Thai! Now, remember that lace isn’t as comfy as those rainbow-printed cotton undies you sport to your Monday 8 a.m. so plan accordingly. And by that we mean prepare for chaffing by bringing along a deodorant stick to slather up with when things get dicey. Hello Kitty Bra and Panty Set: Now we’re getting somewhere. Want to say, “I’m feisty, a little weird, and down for some kinky anime shenanigans”? Then this is the look for you. Hello Kitty will provide you with the innocence factor while still enacting your dude’s Freudian complex, returning him to his

childhood, when all he wanted was a strong, female mother figure. And bing, bam, boom, you’re officially good to dive into the sack, no weird strip show required. Full-Body Parka: Decide that you actually want a weird strip show to take place? It’s cool; we’ve got that option covered as well. The full body parka is your perfect opportunity to get a little freaky. Picture yourself as kind of a sexy Antarctic scientist, trying to discover new alien life, kill polar bears, or whatever the hell it is those scientists are doing down there. That’ll put you in character, and now your fella’s not only getting a strip tease, he’s getting role-play. So more points to you, girl. Knee-Length Skirt: Nothing says dedication like modesty, and maybe that’s exactly what you need to convey this time of year. Want your guy to know you’re not about that yuppie slut life of showing off your goods to other men? Then prove it by not even showing them off to him when you’re both on a nice dinner and a movie date. Wear a skirt that hits your knees (at least), leaving pretty much everything to the imagination. He’ll appreciate the effort you put in to covering up. End your evening by parting ways without inviting him home with you to further prove that he means so much more than just physical interaction to you. Yeah, he’ll love that.

9.) The Passion of the Christ: We all knew Mel Gibson was a little crazy when he continually buried his tomahawk into that redcoat in The Patroit. But did he really have to show Jesus getting tortured for over two hours? Complete with creepy devil baby thing, we’d steer clear of this one. 8.) The Human Centipede: If you don’t know the premise of this movie, it’s about a mad scientist who sews tourists’ asses to other tourists’ mouths creating a “centipede.” Pretty much because he’s a sick bastard who wants to watch dudes fart into another girl’s mouth. Seriously, that’s the whole movie. Your Valentine will run screaming if you suggest this movie, especially if you say it’s “kinky.” 7.) (500) Days of Summer: It starts to shape up as a really great movie: Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levett are perfect matches; they’re definitely going to end up with each other, right? Nope, after 400 some odd days, Zooey gives Gordie the middle finger and goes on to bang another guy. Thus, this movie takes a giant, steaming dump all over the concept of true love. 6.) Old Yeller: An enjoyably classic tale about a boy and his dog… that is, until the boy has to go out back and shoot the dog in the face, with a shotgun, because it has rabies. Suggesting this movie for Valentine’s Day is almost worse than Human Centipede. 5.) Friends With Benefits: All this movie really does is give you unrealistic expectations about finding someone as good looking as Mila Kunis or Justin Timberlake to casually have sex with. No use lying to yourself, it’s unhealthy, and your Valentine will surely take the hint… then leave. 4.) Jack & Jill: Even though there’s nothing really violent, sad, or depressing about it, this is just a really terrible movie. Hollywood keeps trying to recreate Mrs. Doubtfire but they never will. Ever. Having a bad taste in movies isn’t a good reason to break up with someone, but if you suggest this movie, it might be. 3.) Norbit: Even worse than Jack & Jill, and we don’t really feel that any more needs to be said about it. Except that it’s wildly offputting, and you should just watch The Nutty Professor and get the same, albeit mediocre, experience. 2.) Schindler’s List: Yes it’s a phenomenal movie, but one you might want to keep out of your DVD player this Valentine’s Day. It’s kind of a buzz kill, and don’t you want to feel cute and fuzzy on the inside for once? And if there’s anything we’ve learned from Seinfeld, it’s that making out during Schindler’s List is frowned upon. 1.) Requiem For a Dream: Oh, drugs and promiscuous sex amongst a group of young New Yorkers? Sounds hot and steamy! You know, it is hot and steamy, until the heroine leads to prostitution and the complete destruction of everyone’s lives. Surely that’ll get the mood going straight into the bedroom.

See? There are so many more options out there than your run-of-the-mill thigh highs and heels. Don’t be intimidated, fellow señoritas. It doesn’t take much to shake things up in all the best ways. And when you’ve had a successful evening of crazy Valentine’s Day cuddling and movie watching, you can tell Victoria you have your own damn secret, and that you’re not sharing with anybody.

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The Black Sheep Advises Against:

Valentine’s Day Edition JACK HARDER WROTE THIS

With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, there are a few things that you guys and gals should definitely avoid doing; cer tain actions any self-respecting individual should avoid like the plague, especially on such a charged day. Take note, Spartans, and we’ll guide you through this heart-and-chocolate infested hellhole they call a holiday. Whatever you do, don’t tweet a picture with an inanimate object saying it’s your Valentine. There is nothing less original that taking a selfie with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s Death by Chocolate and letting everyone know that it is, in fact, your Valentine. You absolutely do not need to do that, as it is basically

guaranteed that your desperate single friends will hit that shit with a favorite or RT, and do you really want that kind of press? Also if you’re considering taking your selfies with a fifth of vodka, Netflix, or assorted pets, please think twice before cementing your loneliness into the internet. . Your roommate has a solid relationship, and you may begin to feel that the way they’re leaving you out of the fun is unbelievably selfish. But, believe us, snuggling between the beautiful couple on the couch as they watch Crazy, Stupid, Love, then plugging in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back directly afterward just so you can quote the greatest “I love

you” moment of all time, is a colossal error. And no, don’t buy your roommate’s significant other a huge-ass teddy bear “just to show that you care about the success of their relationship.” On a similar note, don’t submit yourself to MSU Crushes. You may think that there’s only one true way to let everyone know you’re truly “wife material.” But you’re wildly misinformed. Nobody actually finds their significant other on MSU Crushes, and most of the submissions (like yours) are fake. And while you’re not submitting “sexy” cryptic messages to MSU Crushes, let’s go ahead and not “work the angles” on sexy Snapchats. People might tell you this is the time to

do so, that your angles are your best advantage on this V-Day, but don’t believe them. Those people are just as lonely and depressed as you, and after binging Meg Ryan movies for the last 48 hours might think sending an assortment of nude romantic poses in a Snapchat story to all your contacts is a good idea. It’s not. You may get mail, but it will be in the form of a Notice to Appear for sending a picture of your penis gently laid upon a wine bottle with poorlydrawn hearts to your chemistry TA from freshman year. And, finally, you could always participate in some A-grade Edward Forty Hands with chocolate syrup. A lonely night with

a box of Franzia is nice, but following that with two bottles of Hershey’s Syrup taped to your hands until the bitter end is a golden way to celebrate a day devoted to romance and bad decisions. If possible, get someone to capture the moment for your Instagram feed. This is an actual opportunity to use the Kelvin filter. People may deem this as desperate, but

we deem it as innovative.. However, proceed with caution. You’re going to crave ice cream afterwards. It’s like a horrible If You Give a Mouse a Cookie scenario that can’t be avoided. Valentine’s Day is tough, guys, and it’s so easy to fall into the trap of desperate misery. But, stand strong, fellow warriors. We will fight this battle together,

and we will do it without making asses of ourselves. So, heed our advice, and know that you’ve totally got this V-Day on lock. And if all else fails, just masturbate. The only one who’s truly good enough to be your valentine is you, so you may as well celebrate that by showing yourself a good time. There’s nothing healthier than a little selflove.

HOW TO TAKE YOUR BEST ASS PICTURE HALIE WOODY WROTE THIS

Taking a quality picture of your ass is a very underrated skill, and it’s time you learn to do the damn thing so you can have something hot and sexy to give to your Valentine(s).

The first step in getting the most bootylicious booty pic is considering what you’re wearing on that apple bottom of yours. So when you settle in to snap your booty picture, avoid using Aunt

Flow’s granny panties. Nobody wants to see those, so tuck them away in your drawer. You want to show off your cheeks’ full potential, so boy shorts with some lace are perfect. It says, “I like you, and I want you to touch my butt, but I don’t like you enough to do you, so dream on.” Which is the perfect way to approach your Valentine this year. If you really want to show off the rump roast that’s cooking in the back, you shall pay homage to Sisqo and buy some dental floss. This says you are confident that you have an Emmy awardwinning ass and you want your valentine to jerk it to this image until he has it etched in his mind’s eye for eternity. Disturbing? Maybe. Memorable? Definitely. If you’re trying to get some dope dick, and are willing to lay it all out on the table, you can take a bare ass picture with no undies at all. This says you’re serious about pursuing a night of getting banged out, and pretending that you love one another just to fill the void of your sad, lonely, real life. Whatever kind of feels you’re feeling this Valentine’s Day, what you want your ass shot to say is up to your creative discretion. Now, taking the actual picture is obviously the most important part. Angles are key. You’re going

to want to turn the front-facing camera on, and if you don’t have a front facing phone, you need to get a real job, and get with the 21st century. Make sure the lighting in the room is a sultry, candlelight sort of feel. Not too bright, but not too dim, just enough to get a good emphasis on all the junk in the trunk. The way you hold the camera is also important. You want to get all up under that ass almost like taking a picture up someone’s skirt. This will create a nice, firm, plump-looking bottom. Having trouble? Just pretend you’re a pervy middle school kiddo. Get in character and you won’t feel as weird. If you want to take one “not so up close and personal,” you’re not slutty enough and are clearly in the wrong place. It’s Valentine’s Day, you’ve got to give up the goods else be single forever. The last step in making this a real valentine is to print out the ass-selfie and turn it into a card. Draw out a heart shape stencil to trace along the picture, making sure to get as much of your butt inside the stencil. Then cut out the heart shaped bum and fold it in half where the ass crack is. Fill the inside with whatever lame, sappy message your little heart desires (easy on the butt sex-innuendo) and BAM! You just made the perfect adult valentine. If you’re a self-less whore, make extra copies and spread that fat ass of yours around to everyone. Cupid would be proud, and so will your parents.

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THE INNER MONOLOGUE

OF CUPID MICHELLE DANAJ WROTE THIS

Here we go again, thought Cupid bitterly as he took another swig of Popov. Valentine’s Day: the sappiest day of the year. But it’s all a load of horse shit. The cards that take hours to pick out get thrown away, the chocolates sit in a box to rot, the flowers die in a couple of days and most people are left with broken hearts and wasted time. Cupid took out his bow, lazily shot it into the distance, and downed another shot. About a mile away, he heard a man scream, “Ow!” and knew a woman was about to fall in love with him. “What a bunch of suckers,” he muttered. Most days, Cupid spent his days utterly inebriated because he couldn’t stand the thought of more people falling in love. He knew if he quit he’d have mess on his hands with the Bureau of Saintly Affairs — payroll would get involved, as well as training a replacement, and it would be a huge pain in the butt. After all, if Cupid didn’t make people fall in love, then the human population would shrivel up and die. But that didn’t mean that he had to like his job. Screw Valentine’s Day, all of these people with their hearts and candies and phony “I love you”s. This was Saint Valentines’ day after all, how the hell did I get roped into this? Where is he in this whole mess of things? But Cupid does what he’s told and makes his quota of arrows shot each year, knowing he’s just another cog in the machine of human evolution. People don’t actually realize the bullshit I churn out every year, Cupid thought, sending another arrow in whatever direction They fall for a pair of blue eyes, fluttering lashes and a chiseled torso, and before they realize it, they’re spending all their money on this other person, all of their free time with them, and they become completely removed from the outside world. They give up on all of their hopes and dreams because they are “in love” and where does it get them? They lose their independence, and before they know it, they’re poppin’ out kids and wondering where their lives went. It’s sickening. Most nights, Cupid ends up screaming from the rooftops at all of the love-struck people: “You oblivious mortals! There’s more out there than love! There’s self-fulfillment and being able to make a difference in the world! Why can’t you see that? Don’t you know they’ll just break your heart by cheating on you with the Easter Bunny?” This particular Valentine’s Day, though, just as Cupid was about to go on his nightly rampage against all that is love in the world, he noticed a small pink card next to his almost-empty bottle of Smirnoff. It had “Cupid” written on it in a curly, cursive text. Wary, he opened it, and read, “Hey big guy. If you’re not doing anything later, you should come visit me and I’ll tell you what love is really about ;) –Aphrodite” The note sobered Cupid up real quick. He had never thought about someone actually wanting to be with him before, especially after the blue-eyed Helen of Troy crushed his soul. It made him rethink the whole love thing. Maybe I could actually get into this, he thought, as he got ready for the best night of his life. Maybe I was wrong about love after all.

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It’s February 14th... Happy Halloween, Everyone! MOLLY BURFORD WROTE THIS Valentine’s Day tends to get a bad rep for singling out, well, singles and making those who are not FB official feel like they’re doing something wrong. But fret not, because there is a holiday out there that includes everyone and anyone — Halloween! October 31st is the perfect holiday, and to honor it this February 14th not-at-all-passive aggressive Valentine’s Day boycott, we’ve come up with some reasons it tops Valentine’s Day. Firstly, Halloween offers a wider variety of candy than Valentine’s Day ever will. Unless you’re happily taken, chances are you will not be receiving any options of chocolate this coming Friday, unless the offer is coming from a man in a van. And in that case, we hope you all know to say, “No,” or at least, “What kind of candy?” On Halloween, you can go door-to-door and demand candy from strangers who are obligated to give it to you. And there is more than just chocolate-Twizzlers licorice, gum, Smarties, and Dum Dum suckers are all fair game — even if you’re alone and crying! Next up, everyone knows Halloween is an alcohol-fueled shitshow where things tend to get a little weird. While on V-Day couples just sit at some fancy restaurant and sip on some fine wine, on Halloween you drink that juice from the bottle with your best friends and run around East Lansing making terrible decisions. If that doesn’t sound better than a quiet dinner, then we don’t know what does. Valentine’s Day designates one day and to only a select few. Halloween, on the other hand, offers three to four days of fun and frivolity for all. That sounds better to us. Why “party” in a fancy dress for an evening with some

guy who claims to adore your smile when you can have a multi-day festivity with goofy banana costumes? Speaking of goofy banana costumes, the best part of Halloween is the costumes. On Valentine’s Day, you have to put together a cute little outfit where you look cute for your boyfriend and cute for the overpriced restaurant where you will wait two hours for a cute table with the other cute couples who are equally miserable in their cute dress shoes. On Halloween, you throw together a risqué costume, look hot and do so without being judged. Or you can dress up as a Wookie and be considered awesome by all. Anything goes, and that’s the beauty of Halloween. Finally, Valentine’s Day is nothing but a Hallmark holiday where you waste your hard-earned beer money on your significant other, who won’t like your gift anyway. On Halloween, you can spend that money you would’ve blown on your GF/BF on your drink, your perfect costume, and any late night food you’re in the mood to eat. What a better use of your resources – spending money on things that make you happy, instead of things that make Hallmark money. Based on this evidence, clearly Valentine’s Day cannot match the superiority that is Halloween. So this Friday, party like it’s Halloween, dress up as a slutty pirate, and forget that you’re single. And, for those of you who are going to go out on cute dates, just know you will not have as good a time as those of us partaking in February Halloween, because you suck, love is dead and panty hose are legitimately awful.

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Five words to describe the current state of your checking account: I have a checking account?

Relationship Status: Taken Major: Business Favorite Drink: Blue Motherfucker Favorite Shot: Red Headed Slut Disgusting Drink: Concrete Mixer Who was the best bar patron you’ve ever had?: Paul and Keith. Super awesome dudes, they’re coop guys. What drink best encapsulates your dancing style?: Bahama Mama.

Bill of What Up Dawg

DRINKING GAME You’re Alone and No One Loves You Campus will be alive with lovers this Valentine’s Day, and if you found the brownie ball recipe to your right, chances are you’re still single. Find another unloved friend of yours (or play the game alone, like you do every day) and wander around campus with your favorite bottle of booze. What You’ll Need: Alcohol and sadness. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be crying by the end of the night. How to Play: - Get your alcohol ready to go in whichever sneaky way your prefer—leftover Jimmy John’s cup, water bottle, brown paper bag, etc. - Wander around campus and take a drink for the following: - A girl trying to look strong as she buys a pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the grocery store (drink twice if it’s Chunky Monkey). - A girl being an ungrateful bitch and whining to her boyfriend. - A boy hurrying down the street with a bouquet of flowers (drink twice for an oversized teddy bear). - Two bros together putting on a façade of happiness; you know they’re dead inside. - Someone buying a card without even reading it. - People waiting to be seated at a not-so-romantic restaurant. - Someone using the phrase “Singles Awareness Day.” - A couple that has one member way hotter than his or her partner. - Every time you see a couple passionately kiss (drink twice for an ass grab). - Every time you hear someone say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have!” - A couple having a fight in a public place. - Finish your drink if you see someone being proposed to. The Game Ends When: Your liquor is gone and you decide to go buy yourself some Chunky Monkey too.

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Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: The loft.

If you had to compete in one thing to save the earth, what would that thing be?: DJ the Olympics. What euphemism for sex is your favorite and why?: Doin’ it dawgy style. For obvious reasons. What’s something you believe in that other people think you’re crazy for believing?: I believe in What Up Dawg. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s fucking hilarious. Everybody needs a little comedy in your life.

RECIPE for DISASTER Boyfriend Brownie Balls Alone this Valentine’s Day? Who needs love when you can date food instead? This recipe is the perfect combination of chocolate, cookie dough and more chocolate. Your lady parts may not be getting lucky any time soon, but your mouth sure is! What You’ll Need: 3/4 cup butter (softened), 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 cup white sugar, 2 tbsp milk, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 2 cups flour, 2 cups mini chocolate chips, 1 box of fudge brownie mix, and 1 package of chocolate almond bark Cook Time: 2 hours Fatty Factor: Calories don’t count when you’re sad. Let’s Get Baked: - In a bowl, mix together the butter and sugars until it’s all nice and creamy. - Slowly add in the milk and vanilla extract until combined. - Add in the flour and a tiny pinch of salt. Mix until you have some smooth dough. - Line a baking sheet with foil and make sure there’s room in your freezer for these bad boys. - Scoop out tablespoon-sized balls of dough

and place them on the sheet. Put them in the freezer for about an hour to harden. - While your balls are blue-ing, make your brownies per the directions on the box. You might need some eggs and oil. When they’re done, let them cool before going onto the next step. - Remove the frozen balls from the freezer. - Cut the cooled brownies into small squares and flatten them in your hands. - Put a cookie dough ball in the middle of each brownie square and wrap the brownie around it. - Once all the balls are covered, put them back in your freezer for another 30 minutes. - Melt the chocolate bark over the stove, being careful not to burn it or let it boil. Heat it up just enough so the chocolate melts. - Take the balls out of the freezer and dip them in the melted bark with a fork, making sure they’re completely covered. Then sprinkle chocolate chips on top! - Put them in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up, then dig in! This is the one and only time you’ll thoroughly enjoy having balls in your mouth.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Same as It Ever Was...

Valentine’s Day Cards Revisited Scurried away in a box somewhere in a parent’s basement is a collection of a childhood memories-- artifacts of days gone by. Among them, certainly, are Valentine’s Day cards, issues school-wide at a set time for fairness to all. These Valentine’s Day cards are brief snapshots of who one was then, but these snapshots also reveal who this person who was, now is. The Black Sheep has dug up six Valentine’s Day cards from our staffers’ past, and not surprisingly, they tell the story of who these weirdos are now.

Dependent Dave

Self-Lovin’ Stephen

How Dave Was Raised: His teddy bear, Bobo, was wrapped in a safety blanket, which was tied to a rope, which led to his parents’ bedroom. If he pulled, it would ring a bell. Mom and dad would both come running, because they didn’t want to take Dave to the hospital for hyperventilation… again.

How Stephen Was Raised: Steve was an only child whose vigorously religious parents didn’t show much affection. Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings, they say, and without TV or friends, Stephen was oftentimes left alone to entertain himself.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Crippling anxiety led to Dave being homeschooled by second grade. He was the star of the basketball team, though, and they went undefeated against their arch-rivals, the Invisibles. Heck, they shut ‘em out 14-0! Where Dave is Now: The wife jumped ship after Dave followed her on a business trip to Atlanta, but the last six months in therapy have worked wonders for Dave. Plus, he’s pretty sure his therapist has a thing for him — she always answers his calls in the middle of the night, and she’s always asking him about his feelings.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sure, Stephen didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t need any. At school he’d prefer to work alone, and during recess he’d play hide-and-go-seek with himself in one of the bathroom stalls. Stephen didn’t need attention from others, he had himself, a playroom that locked from the inside, and an imagination that would make a 15-year-old jealous. Where Stephen is Now: There were thousands of people out there just like Stephen, and he knew it was a safe bet. After making a small fortune on the futures stock of Jergens’ new So Soft: For Him lotion, Stephen retired to a lovely suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. With a T1 connection and admin privileges on six different pornography torrent sites, his only interaction with humans these days is when he talks to the Jimmy John’s delivery man through the door. “The money’s in the mail box,” he grunts, “leave the Totally Tuna on the doorstep.”

Swingin’ Sally How Sally Was Raised: One time Sally’s babysitter had an emergency, and she had to drop Sally and her brother off back at Sally’s parents’ place. It was weird—Sally thought they were out of town, but here were 10 cars up and down the block! When she walked inside her mom told her dad that the swing in the basement was broken. Sally wasn’t allowed in the basement, though. Why couldn’t she sit in the swing? What 3rd Grade Was Like: Tim left Sarah, then

Politically Correct Corey How Corey Was Raised: All the other kids could go crying to their mommies, but Corey was forced to have “open tear dialogue” twice a week with a “parental advisor.” What 3rd Grade Was Like: During gym class Corey would often self-eliminate himself from dodge ball matches, fearing he might be forced to make some non-PC decisions about who he should hit with a ball. Sure, Martha may be a

Billy left Diane, then Corey left Tanya, then Eric left Molly, then Aaron left Bethany, then Robert left Suzy, then Sally realized the power she had over the opposite sex. It turned into a game of Pokémen, she had to catch them all. Where Sally is Now: After years of meticulously pouring through the Craigslist casual encounters section, Sally lives happily with her man-harem in warm and sunny Austin, Texas. The quirky eight-some all enjoy each other’s company during the day, but when the lights go out at night it’s a sausage party, and she’s the buns.

little overweight and asthmatic, but is an easy kill worth the weight on his conscience, knowing he’d be responsible for a hip replacement she might need when she’s 80? Where Corey is Now: Corey currently lives in Portland with his life-partner Sasha and their two-year-old daughter, Milanesa. When Corey isn’t spending his free time writing freelance opinion pieces promoting the abolishment of gender-specific pronouns, he can be found assembling cruelty-free cardboard shelves in his soon-to-be open paleo-vegan neighborhood grocery.

Sam the Stalker How Sam Was Raised: Sam spent many hours in timeout, both at home and at school. He grew to enjoy being present without participating in most situations. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sam’s favorite times at school were when all the 3rd grade classes would swap classrooms to learn different subjects. Every day from noon to one he sat in Sarah Mason’s seat. One day he found her di-

Bondage Ben How Ben Was Raised: Ben grew up with four rowdy older brothers and a mom “physical” enough to handle them. It wasn’t often that he got attention from her, but when he did, she made sure he didn’t act out again. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Ben kept quiet for the most part, but was oftentimes found to be the sneaky instigator behind playground fights. If the teacher ever sided with Ben, his

ary in the desk, one day he smelled her mittens, and one day he found her address. Where Sam is Now: Sam lives a quiet life in Tallahassee, Florida. During the day he works at as a deliveryman whose daily route just so happens to include Sarah Mason’s work, home, favorite restaurant, hair dresser, grocery store, coffee shop and a certain tree outside her bathroom. He lives with his dog Rex and an amorphous collection of blond hair, chewing gum, and semen in his basement, named Sarah.

attacker was left angry and confused. “You don’t understand,” they’d plead, “he was literally asking for it!” Where Ben is Now: Right now Ben is being sat on by a 250-lb, latex and leather-clad shewoman in a dimly-lit, unfurnished basement. With one last exhale he’ll be on the brink of unconsciousness, and though “ganana brabber” is his safe word, he has yet to say it. Instead, his final breath is spent on “yes mamma!” while Big Bertha whips his thighs with a small cane and cranks the Rob Zombie.

s s e u G the

the crossword ACROSS: 3) The drummer of The Roots. 5) Legendary drag queen famous for saying, “You better work.” 6) Eccentric, blinged-out pianist. 7) Most famous Icelandic performer. 8) Producer and rapper, also the name of a shoe brand. 9) This massive basketball player often goes by just his first name. 11) This singer went by just a symbol at one point. 13) High-end Italian fashion company. 15) His first and middle name was Wolfgang Amadeus. 16) “Yo dog, I heard you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive.” 19) Italian model with gorgeous hair.

famous one-word people 4) “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” 5) Her instagram name is badgalriri. 10) Blue Ivy’s mother. 11) Famous Native American associated with the colonial settlement of Jamestown, Virginia. 12) The best-selling female recording artist of all time. 14) This “L.E.S. Artistes” real name is Santi White. 17) He’s got two turntables and a microphone. 18) The breakout star of D12.

DOWN: 1) This rapper biggest hit was 2006’s “Ridin’.” 2) Lead singer of The Smiths.

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