Michigan State - Issue 6 - 9/25/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 11

The Black Sheep

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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 6

IT’S HOMECOMING, AND YOU JUST BOUGHT

A ROOT BEER KEG...NOW WHAT?! Albert Maclin wrote this

Homecoming Weekend calls for more than mediocrity for a student at Michigan State. The green light bulb giveaways and free ice cream at The Rock help add a thrill to the festivities, but we have deeper needs that must be met in order to keep us satisfied. The most important of these needs, obviously, is beer. Based on extensive beer-related surveys and statistics, The Black Sheep has recently concluded that the source of all pleasure in life is, in fact, the keg. Whether your keg’s full of Bud Light or Blue Moon, your homecoming weekend is taking an extreme shift towards the better. But what if you stop by the Big Ten Party Store and accidentally grab the keg reserved for Shaw Hall’s Homecoming Responsibility Hoedown? What if, when you tap that titillating tin tankard, you see sweet, syrupy root beer instead of the Keystone foam you’ve grown to love? Luckily for you, The Black Sheep has some solutions. Option One: Add Good Alcohol: When you see soda, there are two different attitudes you can have. That keg is either full of disappointment, or full of prime chaser. If you have the right mindset, all you have to do is grab a fifth or two of vanilla vodka, serve up some cold, root beer-esque alcoholic beverages, and prepare yourself for a special episode of Girls Gone Wild: Horny Homecoming Hotties to go down in your own home. Option Two: Add Not-So-Good Alcohol: You’ve looked around the house, and

inventory yields a 30-rack of Hamm’s, two boxes of Franzia, and an unidentified brand of cheap tequila in an old water bottle that’s been in your extra backpack since freshman year. Regular root beer isn’t going to get an average-looking person like you laid tonight, though. You’re not even on Homecoming Court, you peasant. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and this situation is calling for some unconventional root beer-y jungle juice. Mix it all, and have no regrets. Don’t ask questions, just close your eyes and believe. Option Three: Just Go With It: If mixing alcohol into this thing is too complicated for you, you can always just enjoy what you’ve got. It’s not getting you intoxicated, but root beer is damn good. Keep in mind that if you don’t say anything, there’s a chance that people won’t even notice that it isn’t alcohol. Imagine the entertainment you’d get seeing your friends stumbling around “wasted” when you know that the only thing they’ve actually consumed is about 1,200 calories worth of processed sugar. Option Four: Head Straight to the Bar: Beer is beer. Root beer is not beer. You need beer, and therefore you’re just not at the right spot. Your priority should be to get to the nearest bar, where alcohol and horny, drunk people are found aplenty. Check out The Black Sheep’s Bar Grid for your plethora of bar options and their drink specials for the week. Another plus: you have a whole keg of root beer that’ll make you the coolest kid at the

Homecoming Parade tomorrow. Option Five: Sell It To A Freshman: The young’uns on campus are salivating over the chance to go to a party that isn’t their parents’ tailgate, and the idea of having a real keg is just too much for their rebellious souls to handle. Take a stroll through the second floor of SnyderPhillips until you find a group that’s

itching to get wild celebrating their first Homecoming in EL. It doesn’t matter if you tell them the keg contains root beer either, because it’s a keg, and the concept here is more important than the content. The best part is you’re technically not selling alcohol to a minor, so it’s probably not even illegal. Homecoming is always full of ups and

downs, but you know that even if a group of the un-MILFiest moms crashes your tailgate, a silver lining can always be found. Whether your keg is filled with Coke or Coors, you can look to the scoreboard and remember that you’re lucky enough to not be a Wyoming Cowboy. Have a great Homecoming, Spartans, and remember to make, uh, somewhat responsible choices.

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SPARTY’S JOURNAL: HOMECOMING VIGILANTE

A DRUNK WHITE GIRL’S JOURNEY TO CONRAD’S

ISIS LEADER TO BE SECRET CHARACTER IN NEW SUPER SMASH BROS. GAME

HE’S WATCH THIS CAMPUS FALL VICTIM TO CHUMPS LONG ENOUGH.

SHE JUST HASN’T HAD HER FILL OF RANCH TODAY.

WARIO HAS NOTHING ON ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.

SEPTEMBER 25th, 2014 - OCTOBER 2nd, 2014

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A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE MISSISSIPPI MEATHOOK “Man, 18-year-olds are starting to look younger and younger.” Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

CABBIN’IT A man or woman who refuses to walk anywhere.

Peter, a total cabbin’it, handed the driver a $5 for the 1/8th mile ride to 7-Eleven.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Nicknamed “The Polar Bear.”

Drives “The Crow’s Nest.”

Based in Kelowna, British Columbia.

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PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS If were stranded on a desert island with only what’s currently in your backpack/purse, what’s the weirdest thing you’d be stuck with?

Matt

“My econ book.”

Aaron

“Bubble wrap.”

Sam

“This beer hat.”

SINFUL SPARTANS

THE TOP TEN Homecoming Weekend Party Guests It’s homecoming weekend at Michigan State University and we’re ready to watch our beloved football team kick the boots off some cowboys. But to really show our spirit for our team, we’re gonna attend some parties. During homecoming weekend, there is a particular species of party-goer who we are bound to stumble into. That’s why we’ve put together this week’s top 10 to fit those guests. 10.) The “I CAN OUTDRINK ALL YOU BITCHES” Guy: He’s the guy who doesn’t get the chance to go out too often, so he’s using homecoming as his excuse to go all out. You can find this dude at the beer pong or flip cup table, talking shit and touting his superior alcohol consumption abilities. He will be wearing a shirt with the sleeves cut off (ala Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). He’s going to beat you in the keg stands, flip more cups than you, and will call “elbows!” whenever he loses in beer pong. 9.) LLC Guy Sneaking Onto Campus: Hey, he’ll be transferring here in a few years anyway. We don’t judge here at MSU. He’s just happy to be here.

The Seven Deadly

Drunk Personalities Halie Woody wrote this

As Spartans, drinking is something we’ve all become shamefully good at. It’s essentially an art form we’ve mastered through tailgating, house parties, prepping for finals, and just about every damn thing you can imagine. Although drinking is something we all take pride in, the drunken personalities we take on after a beer—or 15—aren’t as pride-worthy. If you’re ready to come to terms with what kind of an alchy you are, grab a beer and get to reading below.

The Thief:

6.) Wyoming Fan In Cowboy Boots: Yeah, yeah, we get they’re in the school spirit but damn, dude, you’re not fricking Luke Bryan. You look stupid. This guy will also be wearing a cowboy hat at night.

You’re the kind of drunk everyone loves, not because you’re cool, but because you buy rounds for anyone and everyone. You bust out the credit card. You’re essentially the Oprah Winfrey of East Lansing: “You get a shot! You get a shot! EVERYBODY GETS A SHOT!”

Emotional Mess: The laughingstock at any party is the girl who gets so drunk that she starts openly weeping. Ladies, we’ve all had our moments like this, yet some of us can’t stop being a big crybaby. Typically this kind of drunkard reminisces on memories of the good old days as she realizes how shitty her life is now. That’s when the waterworks pop off.

The Whore:

The Angry Drunk:

Whether you’re a lady whore or a man whore, after you’ve slammed back 10 shots of Fireball you can’t help but feel the fiery passion burning inside your loins. So you must find a willing candidate to lay down some pipe. A little voice inside you says “no don’t do it, keep your dignity!” But the overpowering throbbing in your no-no zone takes over and you succumb to drunken, sloppy coitus.

The angry drunk is the one you really have to look out for. This breed of alcoholic is the type that ends up in jail, all because Mr. Tough Guy represses his daddy issues until he snaps and ends up fist-fighting Sparty in an underground fight club.

After you’ve successfully polished off enough alcohol to kill an elephant, you say to yourself “I can do any goddamn thing I want! I am invincible.” Next thing you know, you try to jump off a roof because your current state of debauchery says, “Hell yeah! Go for it!” The harsh reality of your not-so-invincible self only comes to you after you end up in the hospital with a broken spine.

7.) Pukey Paul: This is the evolution of the ICOAUBG. After ICOAUBG has done his duty in outdrinking all you bitches, he will then proceed to outvomit all you bitches, too. He’ll be gone by midnight.

Big Spender:

The sneakiest of all drunks is the thief. We all know that one jackass who goes to the bar, gets piss drunk and tries to walk out with the pint glasses under his pants. This person develops a false sense that he can get away with stealing just about anything, even your girl.

Mr. Invincible:

8.) The Girl Who Should Really Not Be Wearing Heels (Wyoming Woozy): She’s the Wyoming fan, she’s easy to recognize in her 17-inch stilettos, walking around like a baby giraffe. Since she isn’t used to MSU’s campus, she didn’t bring any other shoes as she thought this piece of attire would be practical. She’ll eventually give up on strutting around in these impractical shoes, then she’ll be barefoot girl.

The Philosopher: You get hit with some notion that you know the meaning to life, or is there really no meaning at all? You pose this upon your fellow partygoers who think you’re either fresh out of a psych ward or the second coming of Christ. Hopefully you have come to terms with what type of drunk monster you transform into with a little guidance from The Black Sheep. If you can’t find where you fit in here then you’re just a lost cause, but we can still drink to that. Cheers!

5.) Guy Who Got Too Drunk at the Tailgate and Now is Getting Double Drunk: This fellow was probably hanging out with ICOAUBG. Now as a party attendee, he has transformed from an average Joe to a sloppy Joe. 4.) Sad Too Old Guy Who Came Back: He graduated in 1999 and still think it’s cool to party like it’s ’99 (which is with the Backstreet Boys). He’ll be rocking a snapback and trying to fit in with all the youngins. It’ll be sad. Eventually he’ll be found in the corner, sipping Miller Lite, looking nostalgic. 3.) Drunk You: You, too, will go through a metamorphosis from cool, calm, and collected to whoever drunk you might be. Just don’t act like #10 or #7; nobody likes that guy, even if it is homecoming weekend. Then you should just go home, amirite? 2.) The Guy Who Looks Like He Belongs on an Episode of Cops: You’ll know him when you see him. This guy looks like he could be a convicted felon on the run. He doesn’t even look like he’s in college! Doesn’t mean he won’t try and fit in, though; word of caution: be afraid. 1.) Your Friendly Neighborhood ELPD: And finally, when the homecoming party goes completely to shit, the ELPD will show up and break it up. Who knows; maybe nobody will be screwed over because guy #2 really was a convicted felon and now maybe they’ll be so glad they found #2 that they might stick around. Molly Burford wrote this

PAGE 6 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

LIFE LESSONS

ASMSU

Free Lawyer

AS EFFECTIVE AS EXPECTED

“I never thought it’d be this bad,” sighed Hugh Melvin, current freshman at MSU and recentlyconvicted felon. “One minute I’m tossing back a drink; the next minute, I’m sitting in the slammer. With the awesome legal team I received from the university, you’d think I’d be in the clear by now. Alas, here I sit in federal prison.” Last Friday, Melvin, an eager freshman eager to join the College of Business at MSU next fall, decided to celebrate his birthday the only way he knew how: moderate drinking in his dorm. Having paid off his RA to stay silent on a Wednesday evening, Melvin had a six-pack of Miller Lite purchased by his older brother. As he cracked open a cold one, two SWAT teams kicked down Melvin’s door, ready to send that wretched excuse for beer back to the sewer from whence it came. Melvin was taken into the station for questioning about such relevant topics as “where he received the alcohol” and “why he would drink such a shitty beer in celebration.” Melvin told us, “I received my free lawyer from ASMSU and he told me to ‘relax, this happens all the time.’ I trusted him enough to know what he was doing.” “That next day, we walked into the courtroom and when the judge was just about to give me an MIP and a $200 fine, my lawyer claimed, ‘OBJECTION!’ and we sat back down.” The Black Sheep sought out Melvin’s lawyer, Bob Wright, to try to get an explanation of his meaningless and delayed objection, but we could only get a statement from his secretary.

She told us that he often would exclaim things like, “I’m sick and tired of those bigwigs, thinking they can walk all over the students, so I was ready to fight more!” and “They think they can throw around such errant charges that never have any backing like ‘MIP,’‘DUI,’ and ‘First Degree Murder,’ but I don’t stand for any of it and this leftist agenda!” Melvin went on to say, “my lawyer decided it’d be a good idea to fight the $200 fine, so he proceeded to blast the judge for poor character, calling him names like ‘Dickshit,’ ‘Poopsicle,’ and ‘Cuntasaurus Rex.” By then, the judge was pretty pissed and called for a five minute recess; my lawyer unnecessarily yelled for a six minute recess after the judge did, but the judge duly ignored him.” “After my lawyer came out of the restroom with his eyes bugged out, his nose red from fury, and a paranoia that a giant owl was going to steal his children, he walked me back into the courtroom. Right when we got back to the desk with the judge glaring at us, a bag of white powder fell out of my lawyer’s pocket. He swiftly accused me of selling him the blow, stuffed the rest of his contents into my pockets, threw his suede jacket at the bailiff and bailed out the window.” As Melvin lamented to us through the bars, he let out a harrowing sigh. “The judge had no choice but to charge me as a cocaine producer and dealer, and sentenced me to 20 years. ASMSU offered another lawyer if I was going to retry the judge’s ruling, but I figured I wanted try and have a family before I was 50, so I politely declined.

Garrison Rasmussen wrote this

SPARTY’S JOURNAL:

Homecoming Vigilante Tom White wrote this

September 25, 2014: Homecoming weekend is almost here. Freshmen barf in the Red Cedar while friends stand by high-fiving and shouting, “We them boys!” The streets are filled with goobers and dill-rods. Sidewalks are drowning in those weird little colorful skateboards that look like they’re made for circus chimps to do tricks with. Tailgating alumni get tipsy after a couple morning beers and start asking anyone without gray knuckle hair for “grass.” It’s time to whip this place into shape for homecoming before it’s too late. I’ve watched this campus fall victim to chumps long enough. It’s gone from a “Bag of Puppies and Butterscotch” feel, to more of an Old Country Buffet after Brady “Bet You I Can Eat That Too” Hoke visits. It’s time to take back this university for the girl who made it to her 10:20 even though she spent 120$

at the bar last night and has a hangover that would make Sean Connery ask for an Advil. For the suave sunva’ guns who take the time to put on real pants before coming to class unlike those sloppy pajama-wearing bastards (excluding Dr. Frederick Pajamas and the entire school of Snuggleology). For the middle-aged guy at the tailgate being real vague about “what he studied” at MSU or even if he “knows how to read,” but is decked out in green and handing out Hamm’s to underage kids so it’s all good.

September 26, 2014: I’m throwing rocks at wolverines in the zoo when I sense a crime against human decency and rush to the auditorium. I burst in and see the problem right away. Ol’ Charlie Chip fingers over there in the back row thinks he can chomp and smack away at his Doritos like some cheesy beaver. Good God, he just jammed his soggy little finger into his cheek pocket to poke at

chip residue, this has gone too far. I grab the bag and reign down crunchy justice on the scumbag’s head, “That’s what I call a snack attack” I say, walking away as he sobs into his nacho-dusted hands reflecting on his sins. The one- liner pun is key in delivering justice.

September 27, 2014: The big day. Spartan Stadium. Wyoming is getting their ass spanked harder than a freshman during a frat initiation. Halftime comes and patches of the student section begin filing out. The shame. I block the exit with my mighty foam chest, “Spartans! Take heart! Do not let your lust for a burrito or sadness about cold fingers extinguish your spirit like you’re some soft batch U of M fan. Drink from my flask of school spirit and Canada House. Get loud—maybe even a bit belligerent—and rub it in these hillbillies’ faces that we’re kicking their ass in football. The crowd cheers. Sparty’s on fire.

From across the stadium the most sinister of all sounds pierces the beautiful mayhem of the student section. A mouth-breather sucking in air like a co-op kid in a hemp field fire. Fans sitting near the criminal squirm with agony at every Napoleon Dynamiteesque breath he takes. This madness must end. I walk by and deliver a crop

dusting with the delicate timing of Zeke the Wonder Dog and the primal ferocity of a Lou Anna K. back rub. It is truly a crop dusting to end all others, “Sorry to… kind of drawing a blank on the puns here actually… uh just don’t be weird and creepy on Homecoming or I’ll come fart on you.” It’s been a long day.

LOCAL NEWS

Alex Everard wrote this

This morning marked a critical moment in the educational career of MSU J-School senior Jasmine Samuels; the moment she realized that a local sports journalist, whom she used to idolize, is actually a total hack.

guy is trash. He makes basic sports observations that are no better or worse—usually worse—than my friends’, but somehow thinks he’s the Golden Boy of Local Sports Journalism. I’m not sure what’s sadder—that title or his career.”

The realization didn’t come without hesitation, according to Samuels. “I was scrolling Twitter and I noticed one of his tweets about the Penn State sanctions being lifted seemed preachy,” she said. “Then I went further down to notice that all of his tweets were just horrible wastes of time.”

Another J-School student, Arjit Patel, stated his grievances. “They say give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you feed him for life, right? Well, give a local sports journalist like that dumb bastard a few thousand followers and you’ve tricked him into thinking he’s done something with his life. You feel me?”

Samuels said she discussed her disdain with several friends, all J-School peers, before reaching her conclusion that aforementioned journalist isn’t really a journalist at all. “I asked a few kids in my 400-level classes if they thought the same thing and they all looked at me as if I asked them if Michigan girls were a bit on the homely side.”

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Cody Matthews, one of Samuels’ friends, recalled reaching a similar conclusion years ago. “Look,” said Matthews, “the

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Patel went on to emphasize the destructive power of low-grade “Twitter fame” and middle-aged, low-grade journalists. “It’s pathetic, really,” he said. “They somehow start to think they can be some kind of moral compass and make snarky comments on whatever political issue ESPN is covering, but in reality no one gives a fuck. You’re never going to be on Around the Horn, bud.” Samuels ultimately blames herself for

creating the very monster she now abhors. “It’s no one’s fault but my own,” she said. “I followed that garbage for years. Years. I even tweeted at him once! Ugh, how embarrassing. Here I am, a senior, and I finally realize he embodies everything our professors warn us about becoming—a writer for some junk website who talks to bored alumni about college sports speculation while somehow thinking he’s doing God’s work.” Ultimately, Samuels and her J-School colleagues used this local journalist as an example of what not to become. “You know I once saw him reply to a tweet from The Black Sheep?” Matthews said. “He took The Black Sheep seriously and tried to troll them. It was painful to watch, like if I handed my Grandma a copy of The Onion without telling her it’s satire and watched her slowly struggle to comprehend. God help me if I’m ever that embarrassingly clueless in a public forum.” As for their future, and the future of sports journalism, these students seem intent on a different path. “First tip for a

successful career in journalism: try being a journalist,” Samuels said. “Second tip: don’t let a couple thousand followers turn you into a poor man’s Skip Bayless. Oh, and always remember that no one, absolutely no one, needs your moral advice.”

Patel agreed, only adding: “I hope he reads this and realizes he should become a stay-at-home dad or work on that Christian mystery novel he’s been putting off. Seriously, quit your day job for the sake of journalism.”

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J-SCHOOL SENIOR REALIZES LOCAL SPORTS JOURNALIST IS ACTUALLY A TOTAL HACK

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Friday 9/26

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A Drunk White Girl’s

Journey at Conrad’s

PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Lauren Masek wrote this

It’s 2 a.m. and you find yourself drunk off your ass, starving. You stumble into Conrad’s in your stiletto heels and miniskirt amongst a mass of other drunk college kids. The line is long, as is expected when fifty people crowd into a restaurant at the same time. You stand with the guy you’re with and spot a man across the room through drunk tunnel vision. You think to yourself, “I think I fucked that guy. Ew.” You begin to realize just how many people in line you’ve either hit on, slept with, or been hit on by. You catch the random loser you’ve brought from the bar checking out another girl and ask, “I’m prettier than her…right?” To which he mumbles “of course.”

your arms folded and feel rage stirring in your stomach, thinking it’s the hurtful sting of rejection, only to realize that it’s something else entirely. You hurry off to the restroom, barely making it in time. When you return, you tell the Conrad’s employees, “Somebody threw up in the bathroom.” They know it was you.

Finally, you reach the front of the line and you’re greeted by an attractive Conrad’s worker. Instead of making polite conversation, you shout as loud and as slurred as possible, “I want Mac Bites!” Of course you do. You follow that up with, “Can I get extra ranch with that?” The employees would have done that anyway — you’re a drunk bitch, drunk bitches love ranch; it’s their main food group. You then order an “OCGT” with ranch — extra ranch — for a “friend” and get upset when the employee rolls his eyes at your drunk dyslexia.

You return to your future hookup just as your number is called. You stride over to the employee you’ve already hit on and look him square in the eye as you say, “I deserve this.” Sure you do; all of that grinding on some guy’s junk really entitled you to something delicious. You tug on that guy’s hand and drag him over to a table. You sit down and say, “I wonder how many calories are in this.” But you follow it immediately with, “I don’t care.” You chow down on that wrap and those Mac Bites like your life depends on it. When it’s time to leave, you shout as loud as possible to the employees, “I love you guys!” They just look at you because, while they’re glad that you enjoyed your food, they honestly have no idea who you are and therefore cannot reciprocate your love. Nevertheless, you mistake their stares for affection and leave feeling happy.

You are physically moved down the line by the guy you’re with. You stand near the grill, watching the Conrad’s employees work. You’re amazed at their speed and shout at the one who is calling out order numbers, “What time do you get off work?” He lets you down easy since he gets hit on several times a night. You stand there with

When you wake up in the morning with a pounding headache and mounting regret as you see a man who can only be categorized as a 5 at best, you come to the realization that you’re missing something. You frantically grab your phone and dial Conrad’s. “I think I left my wallet there last night.” Of course you did.

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BARTENDERS of the WEEK Relationship Status: Complicated and Taken Major: Hospitality business and environmental science Favorite Drink: Jameson Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Duck farts What aspect of bartending are you better than any other bartender at: Being quick and friendly.

LINDSEY & BEN of HARPER’S THE DRINKING GAME

Do you have a drink of your own creation? What’s in it?: Gushers, it’s made from Bacardi Dragon Berry, blue Curacao, sour and cranberry.

Is there a liquor myth you know from personal experience to be false?: Goldschlager does not have real flakes of gold, that will cut your throat. Besides M&M’s, what else melts in your mouth and not in your hand?: Fifty Cent What are granny panties good for?: Periods or laundry day. If we invented a word right now—say… “spladawnt”— what would you say it means?: “Wasted.” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Cuz y’all are fun as shit.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

PACK THE PLACE

COLD SPAGHETTIOS

Alright, we’re about a month into the school year, and your life is starting to fall into a dangerous routine. All you want is to just go back to Syllabus Week and relive your glory days of partying, but now all you find yourself doing is rewatching lectures in your underwear with only Papa John at your side. This is when you realize what you need to break out of the slump: it’s time to pack the place.

Remember all those times as a child when you burnt your G$D D@#N LIP on a bowl of hot SpaghettiOs? Why make the same mistake twice? This week’s Recipe for Disaster will teach you all about fixing your mistakes and making them taste good while you’re at it.

What You’ll Need: An apartment, a cell phone, music, a Tinder account, a lot of booze. Number of Players: Just you and the whole world, baby! Level of Intoxication: Too drunk to realize you’re alone.

What You’ll Need: A can of SpaghettiOs, a microwave (just to look at, longingly), a spoon, bag of ice, a lot of air in your lungs. Fatty Factor: Who cares? It doesn’t hurt anymore!

How to Play: - Realize that you’ve been bored for three weeks, decide to throw a banger. - Start drinking. IMMEDIATELY. - Text everyone you know and tell them to come over. - Lie to everyone who responds and tell them there’s a ton of people already over. - When one person actually shows up, try to make them feel like a party is going on by increasing the volume of your music. - When that person leaves, use Tinder to drunkenly invite strangers over. - When you realize no one is coming – not even your roommates – drink everything you bought for the big party that never happened. - Make a mess so when you wake up you think a bunch of people were there.

Let’s Get Baked: - Open your can of SpaghettiOs and pour the contents in a bowl. - Place cling wrap over the top of the bowl and place it in your microwave. - Unplug your microwave and wait two and a half minutes. - Remove the cling wrap from the SpaghettiOs. -Let the SpaghettiOs cool down for 5-7 minutes. - Place desired number of ice cubes on top of exposed SpaghettiOs. - Drink or chew your bowl of SpaghettiOs.

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning thinking your dream about having people over last night was a reality and you go about your day with a smile on your face.

Did you burn your mouth? Didn’t think so. Look at how you’ve grown!

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BLACK SHEEP ORIGINAL REPORTING

ISIS Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to be Secret Character in New Super Smash Bros. Game PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS hrough an anonymous source at Nintendo, The Black Sheep was able to confirm that Abu Bakr alBaghdadi, the Caliph of the terrorist organization known as the Islamic State, will appear as a secret character in Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 3DS and Wii U. The Islamic State, known colloquially as ISIS or ISIL, is a rebel organization with roots in Iraq as a splinter group from al-Qaeda. Super Smash Brothers, referred to often as SSB, is a video game for children. Known for their brutal techniques and mass executions, ISIS, lead by al-Baghdadi, has taken over much of Iraq and has started to usurp Syria as well, murdering thousands in every town they capture under the guise of Jihad. Known for its use of cartoon characters, Super Smash Bros. is popular with children and young teenagers. Our source has also informed us of the nature of al-Baghdadi’s character. “He’s a horrible man, psychotic. He’s amassed an astounding amount of power in such a short time and his crimes are definitely worthy of international intervention. Oh, like his character in the game? Oh, he’s adorable. He’s like an angry Dr. Mario.” Allegedly his game character will be similar to the character Pokémon Trainer, which doesn’t personally attack other characters, but rather has three Pokémon that do attacks for him. “But instead of Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard, there’s three militants,” our source told us. “One of them is a Fallujah native who was forced to fight for a rebel cause after his city was captured, one is an al-Qaeda defector, and one of them is just fourteen.” For this Easter egg, the developers have reportedly spared no details in making the character as complete and accurate as possible. “Every character has their special attack; the one where you smash the special rainbow-glowing thing and then your character does this crazy thing that kills everyone except for you. So, for him, there’s just a wave of thirty-thousand militants that rush in and capture all the other characters until the end of the game. And that’s just the end of the game. It’s actually not that fun. But then again, neither is Syria.” This story comes in a trend within the gaming community of combining current events into video games. Electronic Arts issued a press release Wednesday regarding an expanded special edition of their August release, Madden 15. The special edition was reported to include a mini-game in the style of Street Fighter, a break from their style of sport-based mode of play, in which players fight as NFL players against their wives. “The Madden franchise has always sought to recreate the true football experience,” the press release read, “and we feel that we could not truly deliver this without allowing players to connect with this crime that runs so rampant throughout the National Football League.”

he gameplay is simple: players relentlessly beat their spouses and partners who have nowhere near the strength to defend themselves against professional athletes while NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, stands there and pretends not to see anything. Popular characters included Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and Ray McDonald. Rumors that OJ Simpson will appear for this addendum are also circulating, but probably won’t be confirmed until release. Players can also play as any of the other NFL players who were arrested for domestic violence since 2009, including Quincy Enunwa, AJ Jefferson, Daryl Washington, Amari Spievey, Leroy Hill, Chris Rainey, Ryan Sands, Bryan Thomas, Chad Johnson, Dez Bryant, Erik Walden, Chris Cook, Brandon Underwood, Kevin Alexander, Philip Merling, Will Smith, Leroy Hill again, Toby McDaniel, Jermaine Phillips, Will Billingsley, Richard Quinn, Shawn Merriman, Quinn Ojinnaka, Cornell Green, and Brandon Marshall. Rockstar Games, which is best known for publishing the Grand Theft Auto franchise, has also been taking similar steps with its upcoming rerelease of GTA V for the PS4 and Xbox One. Rumors circulating gaming magazines and blogs have speculated about drastic changes to the setup of the difficulty of the latest edition.

ate September 18th, Congress approved President Obama’s plan to equip Syrian rebels, possibly leading to another ground insurgency by the U.S. Military in the Middle East. Following the trend, a response from the video game community was quickly offered, but, surprisingly, it was not from any of the multitude of war-based games on the market. Rovio, the company behind the popular phone game Angry Birds, announced at a press conference that it would start the rushed production of Angry Birds: Syria. The premise of the game follows the details of preexisting game with slight changes to fit the insurgency: birds, in a slingshot, attack green cartoon pigs, in structures. One minor alteration will be that as opposed to piles of wood and stone, the cartoon pigs would be hiding within the already-decrepit buildings that constitute Syria’s failing infrastructure. Though the announcement was very recent, a large amount of criticism has befallen the game, citing many flaws in its conception. Less than one hour after the press conference, blogger Michael Douglas released his response, writing “Rovio has not released any details as to the length of the Syria episode, nor has it announced a clear objective. Also, a storyline built on current events like this does not lend itself to a conclusion, which is very necessary for the developers. This is all beside the fact that depicting Muslims as pigs is

“The GTA games always aim to be as realistic as possible, despite the fact that you can punch people until they die in broad daylight and it’s just an average Tuesday,” commented IGN writer, Jason Wright. “So the rumors going around, which possibly could have been leaked by Rockstar itself, is that the difficulty settings will actually have concrete differences on the appearance of both the character and the surroundings.” Essentially, should a player select “hard mode,” the character will have a dark complexion and be born into a much lower socioeconomic class in which crime, discrimination, government negligence, and police brutality run rampant. “It’s an amazing concept,” Wright added. “It’s like the developers were able to come up with a social hierarchy in which youths are systematically put at a disadvantage and judged for these preexisting conditions, thus attracting police attention and unwarranted brutality. I have no idea how they came up with it.” The expanded game is also expected to include an expert-only “Ferguson, Missouri” level, in which the player starts the level with no weapons and four stars (on a scale of one to five, stars are an indication of how “wanted” a player is). “The details on the Ferguson level are honestly pretty fuzzy,” Wright said. “It’s all based on rumor. Allegedly the only weapon you get is a pack of Skittles. Beats me,” he said, shrugging.

offensive not only to their culture but also to the ground insurgents who risk their lives in this mission. The game doesn’t even sound fun.” Despite coming under heavy fire, Rovio has been strong in its position. “Hey, maybe it won’t be fun. But neither is Syria,” said a representative. “The frustration towards us is misplaced. Most of the criticism can be brought down to this: we don’t know how long the project will take, we have no exit strategy, and no one else approves of what we’re doing. When has anyone ever considered these things when entering the Middle East?” It is unclear how long this trend will last, or if it is permanent. Jason Wright said, “The evolving nature of our world means that these real-life events and these fantasy escapes are going to intersect. Who knows what sort of releases we will see in the coming years. Fantasy Congress? A real-life Fallout? The polluted, radiated sky is the limit.” Among this trend, though, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s appearance is by far the largest. The leaked news has been met with overwhelmingly positive praise from casual gamers and writers alike. A representative from ISIS declined to comment.

Quarter

PAGE 14 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PICK YOUR BATTLES

MSU STUDENTS, MOBSTERS, AND PIZZA TYCOON INVOLVED IN

INTRAMURAL FOOTBALL BETTING SCANDAL Justin Sienkowski wrote this

A somber scene descended upon the East Lansing 54B District Court yesterday, as star IM football quarterback Johnny “Cash” Colton and a slew of other MSU student wannabe-athletes were indicted in a campus investigation of a secret IM sports gambling ring here at MSU. Honorable Judge Richard “Dick” Ball charged Colton and the members of his IM football team “Punt Punt Pass” with conspiracy to commit sports bribery, perjury and being pretty big A-holes. Alleged mobster and owner of Georgio’s Gourmet Pizza Georgio “Spendin Cheese” Giacomo and Professor Stan “Scam Man” Richards, teacher of HB 320: Casino and5.5” Management at page ad Operations = 5” w X h MSU, were also charged for their roles in creation of the ring. The arrests were made during a sting operation late Sunday night at Rick’s American Café. After initial confusion regarding the bachelorette party being held at Rick’s and the party’s impression

that members of the ELPD were hired strippers, the police raid found Giacomo and Richards in a smoke-filled back room where they were holding illegal squirrel fights. Sources say police received the tip from a former member of Colton’s squad who was bitter after being cut from the team for being, in Colton’s words, “a little bitch.” The tip was part of a plea bargain deal after the unnamed teammate was reportedly in court for a drunken disorderly conduct charge, which has now been dropped. Allegedly, Giacomo and Richards paid Colton and his teammates up to $216 worth of Conrad’s gift cards to shave points throughout the 2013 IM football season, including the title game. With the Vegas oddsmakers predicting a 35-point win on the part of “Punt Punt Pass” in that game, the stakes were high in a lucrative industry. One play in particular caught the eye of investigators who reviewed the game tape.

“It was first down and 10 yards to go on their own 10-yard line, with their team up by 30. Colton received the snap and immediately ignores the open receiver downfield and instead punts it 35 yards. It didn’t seem odd at the time, but after much deliberation we have concluded that it is in fact a ploy to manipulate the score of the game,” said Detective Roger “Blind Eye” Gaines. The Department of Intermural Play and Slight, Hollow and Insincere Threats, also known as DIPSHIT, has banned all members from ever participating in IM sports again, severely altering the outlook for this spring’s IM indoor volleyball season. MSU Athletic Director Mark “No Nickname Necessary” Hollis had this to say about the incident: “We are very sad that this had to happen. IM football is a tradition that brings joy to many in the MSU community, allowing former high school athletes to relive their glory days as they beat up on freshmen who

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thought it would be fun to start a team with their floormates. Hopefully we can move on from this and restore order to what is the pride of many in the MSU community.”

This scandal marks the largest organized betting scheme in major IM sports since the Crack Rocks scandal of 1996, which saw kickball legend “Shirtless” John Jacobs and his team “Booze on First” throw the championship series in exchange for a kilo of crack cocaine.

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