Michigan State - Issue 7 - 2/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 10, Issue 7

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

FRE E. PAR .. LIKE TIC IPA ALLLL TIO LL T NP H OIN OSE TS.

2/20/14 - 2/26/14

STUDENT HORRIFIED UPON

VIEWING HIS PERSONAL SEX TAPE GAVIN O’MARA WROTE THIS Local student John Fassbender recently watched a sex tape he made with his girlfriend, and was horrified by what he saw. “It was just a big hot mess,” said Fassbender, “I had no idea our love making looked so gross, there was a lot of things hanging and flapping around.” John had always thought he was a regular pornstar in the bedroom. “My buddies in high school used to call me Ron Jeremy. Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I used to call myself Ron Jeremy. Where I lacked in penis size, I thought that I made up for it in sex moves. Reverse Jack Rabbit, over the shoulder pony-style, the Hulk Hogan power bomb, even the Neil Patrick Harris. When it came to sex positions, my catalogue was bigger than LL Bean’s.” But after seeing the tape, John started to seriously doubt himself. “Could it be I’m not the sex machine I thought I was?” John pondered, “What the hell was I doing twisting my hips like that? I was trying to go for a swirl motion, but ended up looking like John Travolta having a seizure. Also the crying, I don’t remember crying that much.” After a couple more viewings, John started to place the blame on anything but himself. “No, it couldn’t be me, I ooze sex,” John said. “It had to have been the camera. Fucking iPhones, they can’t be trusted to capture the moment. The resolution sucked, it made my pecks look WAY smaller than they really are, I’ve been hammering out 115 on the bench, just killing it lately. And I know it looks like I have a slight beer belly, but I have a 3 pack, trust me, I’ve counted. Multiple times.” But it wasn’t just the camera that was the problem; he listed off almost every excuse that he could think of. “The fluorescent lights made me look really pale, I’m definitely not that pale,” John said. “That bed was too squeaky, man, it sounded like a mouse was getting murdered. And Keeping Up with the Kardashi- I mean Sunday night SportsCenter wasn’t on in the background. I need my pump up videos to properly perform.”

“You know who’s fault this really is? My girlfriend, Jenny’s.” From the evidence on the video, the blame was being unfairly placed by John. Objective viewers of the tape agree that his girlfriend, the aforementioned Jenny, is smoking hot and out of John’s league. Still, he rambled on.

As he scrambled for excuses, things started to get really personal.

“Yeah, its all her fault! Look at her right there! She looks like a beached

whale, she’s supposed to look like Jenna Jameson! She could really afford to lose some weight, too. You know she only has bigger C-Cup boobs, she needs at least a DD. I’d better call her and break it off, I need a girl that can make a porno like a star.” According to many sources, John was last seen drinking a Long Island iced tea by himself in the middle of the dance floor at Rick’s.

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THAT’S SO CO-OP

THE NEED-TO-PEE SEX-IN-THESHOWER DORM DILEMMA

THE COLLEGIATE GENTLEMAN’S GUIDE TO A RIVALRY

BEING A PSYCHIC: THE MOST CO-OP THING YOU CAN DO.

ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY PEE IN THE DORM BATHROOMS.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_MSU • theblacksheeponline.com

A FEW THINGS TO CONSIDER AS A DECENT HUMAN IN A BITTERLY HATEFUL RIVALRY.

THE THE

RIGHT CHOICE. RIGHT CHOICE. GHTCHOICE.

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ILLUSIONAL

GUESS THE MASCOT

@BLACKSHEEP_MSU

To be perceived oneself as sick as a means of justifiably avoiding class.

“Don’t be illusional Bethany,” Maria said, “you only had a coughing fit because it was your turn to hit the bowl.”

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DO YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THIS FAMOUS MEME? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU. FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: UT LONGHORN

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LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: JOHN WATERS

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ON THE STREETS If you could have something named after you, what would it be and why? Cody, Grad Student

“A drink, because I’m all about people having a good time.”

Dan, Junior

“The number ‘7’. Because of ‘Ello Govna’.”

Paul, Junior

“Papa Paul instead of Papa John’s.”

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

SPRING BREAK ALTERNATIVES STAFF WROTE THIS

Hey buddy, we just heard. You’re too broke to go down to Cocoa Beach with your friends for spring break. That’s a real bummer, but cheer up. There are still all kinds of ways to have a good time. So forget about your dead hopes and dreams, and general lack of self-esteem for a moment, and check out these top ten spring break alternatives to learn how to pass the time. 10.) Google the Unanswerable: Do people plow the snow off of train tracks? What’s better: brushing your teeth more often with a cheap brand of toothpaste, or less often with the expensive stuff? Does my mom know that my brother’s gay? These are the kinds of questions that are not only incredibly time consuming to ponder over, but super satisfying to have answered. Who needs to drown in Tahiti tequila when there’s mystery afoot?

THAT’S SO CO-OP ZOË KREMKE WROTE THIS It was a funky fresh day in the coolest co-op at Michigan State, and a few newbies were coming around to tour the digs and maybe sign a lease or whatever. Jill and Marty, the potential leasers, walked through the living room. “Cool… couches?” Jill said, judgment coloring the tone of her voice. “Yeah, they were free. Can never have enough couches,” Tyler, the co-op leader said. The walls were painted with various murals and fallingapart posters. A conspicuous stain took up the better part of the living room carpet. It was a putrid shade of burgundy. The rag-tag group was wandering around, when one of them walked into Sheila’s room in the basement. “Hey, man,” Shelia said, sitting on her bed, “I’m in the middle of a meditation sesh right now.” “Sorry, we didn’t mean to bother you!” the newcomers exclaimed. “Our names are Jill and Marty, and we’re thinking about maybe living here next year? We’re just looking around, seeing what there is to see.” Jill and Marty looked unusually not like college students, but Sheila wasn’t about to judge their lifestyle. That wasn’t what she was about. “Oh, far out. Well, feel free to look around,” Sheila stretched, breaking her Zen, and exposing her hairy armpits. Jill cringed, but Marty was intrigued by her evidently free spirit. Jill elbowed him sharply in the ribcage when she noticed his gaze lingering on Sheila’s dreads, before self-consciously touching her own smooth, brown hair. “So, what do you guys think?” Tyler overzealously asked them, wrapping his arms around both of their shoulders. “Pretty rad, yeah? I just have a good feeling about you guys.”Tyler gently caressed Marty’s face, sensing a bro-like connection already forming between them. Jill and Marty nodded aggressively in agreement. “Would it be a problem if we shared a room? We’re like, really in love,” Marty said, hesitantly reaching for Jill’s hand. She rolled her eyes.

Sheila was confused. Why were they acting so strangely? “Hey, that’s a cool poster you have,” Jill said, turning to Sheila again. “What is that, an electronic music festival?” The words sounded unnatural and robotic coming out of Jill’s mouth, and Marty looked visibly uncomfortable. “Yeah, I’m really into techno. Sometimes I throw one-woman ragers on Tuesday nights. Just with myself, though,” Shelia smiled, standing to formally greet her guests with a group hug that Tyler fully supported. Trapped in the loving embrace of their co-op counterparts, Jill and Marty were unable to escape. Sheila touched her fingertips to her temple, “Oh my god!” She exclaimed, stumbling backward. The room started spinning for her, and she saw a bright flash of light. “They’re narcs!” she yelled to Tyler. Tyler crossed his arms over his skinny chest. “How did you know?” Jill asked, irritated and visibly upset. “I’m a psychic, Jill. I see things other people can’t. Because I’m Sheila, and that’s kind of my thing,” Sheila gestured to herself, as if her point hadn’t been clear enough. “Bro, that’s so not co-op,” Tyler said, shaking his head at Marty. “And to think I was going to trust you to share my habitation space.” Tears welled in Tyler’s eyes, but he stayed strong as he showed Jill and Marty, the world’s worst undercover cops to the door. “We never want to see the likes of you around here again,” Sheila called after them. Tyler returned to her. “Man, Sheila, how come you have to go seeing shit about everybody all the time? I was really ready to have another dude in this house I could relate to,” Tyler said. “What can I say? I can’t change who I am, and the psychic thing’s my gig. Now, would you mind putting this hemp lotion on my feet?” Tyler sighed, but readily agreed. There’s nothing better than hemp lotion and Sheila’s feet to brighten his mood.

9.) Plan a Robbery: You had a plan once. A plan to attend the 2014 Inception Music Festival down in Cancun; you were going to drop molly and dance until your face melted. But the world crushed your plans, so now you’re going to go crush someone else’s; like the immigrant owner of a thriving local business. Spend your off hours putting together a robbery that would make John Dillinger spank himself. Who needs Mexican beaches when you can steal yourself a slice of the American dream? 8.) Take Anti-Depressants: Your friends knew months ago that you were strapped for cash and promised to help you out. But when push came to shove $400 turned out to be just a little too much to loan – and now you’re questioning everything: “do they think I’m a deadbeat? Didn’t they want me to come? Do they even like me?” You could try googling these questions for entertainment value, but introspective quandaries and serious spurns are best remedied by Zoloft. 7.) Build a Fort: Remember when you were a kid and didn’t need booze and bitches to have a good time? Well … can you at least remember how badass it feels to build a fort? Grab some cushions and a floor lamp; it’s going to get all grade school up in here. 6.) Pretend Nothing Bothers You: So your friends all suck and you’re stuck in your sucky town; doesn’t bother you any. Things could be worse; you could be stuck in some other sucky place, like the Congo, pulling blood diamonds out of your ass for some suck bag’s wedding engagement. But then again how much does a roundtrip flight to the Congo cost? Get a DJ, a couple buds, and a malaria shot. Can somebody say spring break 2015? 5.) Hit the Local Bar Scene with Old Pals: There’s bound to be somebody back home in the same predicament as you. It might not be your high school BFF, or your second best high school BFF. But goddammit if all those kids who dropped out in tenth grade ain’t around. 4.) Write a Letter to Your Favorite Communist: Sup Castro, I’ve never really had the time to tell you this, but I think you’re a cool dude. The Bay of Pigs was a pretty fucked up deal, and I guess I wanted to apologize on behalf of JFK. If he were alive today I think he’d totally regret that beef. Anyway, I follow you on Twitter and think you’re a nice man. Perhaps if I’m ever in Cuba we could meet in a villa; it’s never too early to plan a spring break. 3.) Submit New Ideas and Inventions to Big Corporations: Home Depot: I’ve designed a new product for you to carry in your stores. I call it “The BatJack” it’s a stainless steel baseball bat that also acts as a tampon dispenser. I’m sure it’ll get the customers raving. Coca-Cola: Enclosed is the formula for a new Coke flavor that everyone is sure to love; I call it “Coca-Cola Code Red.” It tastes like heaven and smells of angel sweat. 2.) Explore Your Sexuality: Don’t explore everything in between hetero and homosexuality; that’s just lazy and small minded. There are other, more interesting, sexual anomalies to consider. Take object sexuality for example. Instead of clicking to your favorite porn site the next time you masturbate, strip naked and lie face down on top of a pile of Legos. Who knows what’ll happen. 1.) Learn How to Tie a Noose: What’s not to love about nooses? They make for great Christmas and Halloween decorations. Plus, they’re superinexpensive and handy. Wouldn’t your spring break-less life be so much easier if there was a noose in it?

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The Overly-Manly-Man Breakfast of Champions BOB RODRIGUEZ WROTE THIS shake it like you imagine Hamm would shake his ham. Finally, put the product in the freezer for 24-48 hours. We left the jar in the freezer for 24 hours because we didn’t want to overwhelm our delicate palates, so accustomed to pizza rolls and Kraft dinner, with the flavor of sweet, sweet bacon. Who are we kidding… we just didn’t want to wait for the bacon-y, booze-y goodness. Also, Jon Hamm’s penis.

When Ron Swanson was a college dude he required bacon and a brown alcoholic drink before heading off to How to Be a Man 101. If we cynical folk here at TBS enjoy anything at all, bacon and whiskey would definitely make the highly exclusive list. So, here’s how to man up before an 8 a.m. with a baconinfused whiskey, like the greasy animals we all know ourselves to be.

his free time he enjoyed farting and oinking, but feel free to use a pig by any name. A 750mL Mason jar. You know, the kind that hipsters require for fancy party-time schmoozing. Crown Royal Maple, or your favorite whiskey or bourbon. It’s really important to remember here that bottom-shelf liquor sucks, so why not make it better? After all, your bacon deserves the best, and so do you. A coffee filter, and trust us, the one-ply toilet paper method needs to go if you’re eating bacon all day and drinking a fifth of whiskey.

What You’ll Need: Some of that succulent pig meat that will soon become illegal if the Obamas get their way — that’s right, a pound of bacon. Ours came from a farm-raised pig. His name was Hank and in

How To Do It Like a Man: Of course, our baconwhiskey was prepared in only the dirtiest of college kitchens, so we expect nothing less. Fry up that hefty pound of meat slices that are as long as Jon Hamm’s ham. Immediately after you finish, pour the bacon grease into the Mason jar and follow immediately with the whiskey. Seal that bitch up real good and

Whew, okay. Now that the “science” part of the process has been formally explained, we can get back to bacon and dick jokes. Although, if you have to know any kind of science, it might as well be bacon and alcohol science, right? We filtered the product through a French-press, and then through a coffee filter into a decanter to avoid the greasy-mouth-feel associated with a single filtration. But a solid run through a coffee filter into a drive-thru Taco Bell cup should do the job just fine. Plus, a greasy mouth feel is underrated anyways. Ta-da! You have bacon-infused whiskey, and have gone through the appropriate rights of passage that The Black Sheep requires of any MSU man or woman. We’re proud of you. Now, go enjoy the fruits of your labor. Cheers.

The Science: We’ll keep this brief — introductory chemistry was bad enough. Basically, since lipids and water are immiscible, the whiskey will separate into its own layer underneath the freezing fat. Therefore, the fat is not left in the whiskey, but the aromatics associated with the bacon grease are released into the whiskey.

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@MSUBLACKSHEEP Scan to go right to the page! The Bar Grid

y 2010

y – Friday 3-6pm.

stic Pints

Drinks

Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT

Wednesday

Irish Happy Hour: 4-7pm Everyday! (except: Wed.)

$3 Pints of Guinness, Harp, Smithwicks and

Thursday Saturday Bass, $5 CarFriday Bombs, $3 Jameson, Bushmills, 31 1 2 John Powers,

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3 Wells, Half-off Potato DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Global Village Skins, Irish Nachos and Chicken Thumbs

21 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

Friday 2/21

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light Dublin Square Irish Pub 327 Abbott $3.50 WellRdLiquor East Lansing MI 48823 DJ Beats

Saturday 2/22

Go Green! Specials Run Monday-Sunday All Day & Night!

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap w/ Fries 11am to 3 pm $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (Pints and Bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo Cans (all varieties)

Go Green! $2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

$4.99 Any Sub/Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic) 1/2 off Apps 6-11pm, Famous Friday “BOTTOMLESS” Fries w/ purchase of the Famous

Free Small Fry with the purchase of any dawg and drink (ask for it!)

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs, $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Washington Apple Shots, Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

All Day! $2 Domestic Bottles Not Valid on Home Game Days

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees

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Go Green! $3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints, $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

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$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

$3.50DJ Beats (Front Bar) Pints of CoorsSTAR FARM Lt, Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) Lite, Bud Light, Labatt Blue Light, $3.50 Well Liquor, DJ30 28 29 DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Donnie D DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats

For More Information Contact Us: (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net $3 Bloody Marys Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 Mimosas 839863 for specials & updates.

$3 ALL DRAFT PINTS, $3 Jack Daniels, Wells, Domestic Bottles, Soco Lime, Kamakaze

$4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, Long Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the Week, $3 Bacardi Bombs

“BOTTOMLESS” Fries w purchase of the D-Town

Half off apps ALL DAY $4.50 Bloody Mary, $3 Mimosa, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels Breakfast and Beer! Add a domestic pint for $1

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Bud Light, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light, $2 Wells

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Blue Shots

$4.99 Any Sub or Wrap with Fries 11am to 3 pm, $5.50 Patron shots, $4.50 Crown Royal, $4 Jack Daniels, $3 Jameson shots, $3 long Island Islands, $3 Craft Pint of the week, $3 Bacardi Bombs, $6 1/2 pound Burger and Pint (domestic choices) 1/2 off Appetizers 6-11pm

$2 Wells $3 All Pints $4 Pitchers of Labatt DJ Juan Trevino

NO COVER! $2.50 ALL Call Drinks $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

2 Coneys for $2 or 24oz Keystone Light Tallboys for $2!

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino

No Cover! $2.50 Bud Lite and Budweiser Bottles, $2 Wells, $3 White Gummy Bears

All Day Long, all Mega Menu Items for $1 off!! AFTER 6PM: Fill your own mug (must be a mug & must be 32oz or under) of Labatt’s Blue for only $3!

Ladies Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 Coors Light, Miller Lite, Labatt and Bud Light Drafts $3 Bud Light Platinums

Sunday 2/23

Closed - Please call (517) 332-2959 for Bar Crawls Live entertainment 6 nights/week

Monday 2/24

$3.50 All Flavored Vodka $3.50 Captain Drinks $3 Wells & Domestics $3 Soco Lime $5 Spartan Bombs

Tuesday 2/25

$2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

FRIDAY! Free Small Fry with the Purchase of Any Dawg and Drink (ask for it!)

Wed. 2/26

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

SPENCERSKITCHENANDBAR.COM Book Spencer’s for events, bar crawls and fundraisers ! Lowest Beer and Liquor Prices EVERDAY! Highest Quality food and Drinks only at Spencers

Thursday 2/27

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar)

The Whirly Birds LadiesDJ Beats (Front Bar) Night: 1/2 Price Drinks!, $2 DJ Minze (Back Bar) Coors Light, 14 15 Labatt 16 Miller Lite, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) and Bud Light Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3 Bud Light Platinums

Thursday 2/20

THURSDAY: No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

$3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

No Cover! Burger Bash 3-8PM 1/2 off All Wells, Calls, Pints, Bottles, Pitchers, Shots and Bombs

$2.50 ALL Call Drinks, $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Rolling Rock Bottles, $2.50 Call Drinks, $3.50 Long Islands, $2.50 SoCo Lime and Kamikaze shots

AFTER 6PM... Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

AFTER 6PM...Pints of Spartan Green beer for $1!

All Day! $2.50 ALL MICHIGAN BEERS (pints and bottles) $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $0.75 Faygo cans (all varieties)

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All, Our Made in Michigan Wines, $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's, $3 Off Select Appetizers $2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

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THE NEED-TO-PEE SEX-IN-THE-SHOWER

DORM DILEMMA GARRISON RASMUSSEN WROTE THIS

It is 3:00 a.m. You reside on the seventh floor of Hubbard, your muscles are cramping up from the many hours spent enjoying your “personal free time,” and you need to pee like a Wolverine needs a shower. As you soundlessly saunter toward your space of release (no, not that kind of release), you pause as you hear the endless, passionate sounds of two freaks getting geeked in the smallest, most uncomfortable place to have sex imaginable: the suite-style bathroom shower. “Curse you, foul beast!” you scream, casting your fist toward the sky, challenging the deity who so very ungraciously inconvenienced you with not only occupying your place of peace, but also serving a shameful reminder that it is not you getting laid out for yet another evening. Lamenting in the sorrowful space of your entry room, with only a thin door separating you from the untimely relief brewing betwixt your thighs and in your bladder, you find yourself at an impasse. To perform the ultimate cocker blocker and storm through, leaving no prisoners, pissing to your heart’s content? Or to take the high road, risk pulling an incident your three-year-old sister would be ashamed of, the risk of wetting your pantaloons? Your third option is to hope you can hold it until the lobby; and that, fellow Spartans, is the ultimate question we all have to ask ourselves at some point. Weighing your options is rather simple; do you want to be known as the asshole who charged in to that bathroom, uncaring for the ardent love-making being showered in your ear, or would you rather be the idol and piss yourself off instead of the weird D&D nerd that lives next door? Deciding that you no longer care about your image (your non-physical one, at least), you decide that if you quietly sneak in, being no louder than a church mouse, you and your suitemate can both receive happy endings before the sun strikes the horizon. As you twist the knob on the bathroom door, the lock notch pops open, ringing loudly, echoing off your walls. You almost choose a full-scale retreat back into the burrow of your blankets as you hear, “Babe, did you hear that?” You’re one persistent motherfucker however, and stand your ground. As you hear the suction sounds continue shortly afterward, you stick a toe in, keeping the utmost caution. Luckily, since you’re only draining the main vein, the sound should camouflage itself with the steady beat of the shower, hopefully. At this point, you really don’t care. You’ve already made it into the bathroom when suddenly you notice troubling news. “SHIT!” your thoughts scream, not only defining the action you hear, but also your mood as you remember you have to casually pass by the shower to reach your summit. As you’ve already thought this plan out, you’re prepared for the occasional curveball and fashion a lasso from your towels, in order to strike the light switch, the sure fire way to not be exposed as the peeing peeper. As the flickering fluorescence is blackened, you quickly make a break for the toilet, and let fly your built-up rage and spew your fluids into the pearlescent god below. Your suitemate has chosen not to pay attention to the power outage so after 45 seconds of heaven; you casually walk back into your room, content with your moment of cunning wit. As you smile to yourself, you notice the empty Powerade bottle harmlessly sitting on your desk. Rather than cursing your foolishness, you shrug it off. Next time, perhaps.

SB PR RE IA NK G

SB ‘14 COUNTDOWN: LESS THAN 32 DAYS AWAY!

#1 ALON S G N I TANN AMPUS! ON C VOTED

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The Collegiate Gentleman’s Guide to a Rivalry ALEX EVERARD WROTE THIS Make no mistake, one of the most glorious aspects of college life is hating your rivals. Let’s face it, at a school as large and dominant as Michigan State, there are several schools that are considered bitter enemies, but the school down the road takes the cake. Even in the most heated battles, it’s important to remain a Spartan, and Spartans degrade their enemies with class. Here is The Black Sheep’s Gentleman (or woman)’s Guide to a Rivalry. Always wager alcohol: College students like to make ridiculous bets, we get it. But forcing your friend to shave his eyebrows because MSU beat Michigan is a dick move. He goes to Michigan, he’ll already have a hard enough time getting laid. Why not just make him buy you a case instead? Alcohol can be gloriously sipped by the winner and depressingly chugged by the loser. It’s a win-win, and a great way to get your sad, rival-friend happy enough to still go to the bar with you later. Stay (relatively) humble: Sure, Michigan State finished 2nd in the country for dominance in fall sports this year. Sure, we won the Rose Bowl and we’re Final Four University. But stay humble, Spartans. When we dominate a rival, celebrate, but don’t act like you didn’t expect us to win or that we’ve never beaten them before. The prophet Mark Dantonio once said, “Pride comes before the fall”. The troll toll: It seems the art of trolling has been lost on most people. If you end up cursing and smashing your keyboard, you lose. For example, we made fun of UM forward Jordan Morgan on Twitter for his lame handle, “@JustJMo.” He responded, once before the game and once after the game, asking us to call him “boss” when they won. What a douche, right? Right. Here at TBS, we knew we already won as soon as he replied. Why? Because we’re an anonymous Twitter account whose tweets are generally composed while wearing boxers and he’s a D1 college athlete. He might have won the battle, but we’re in his head. It takes two: As painful as this reminder may be, always recall that it takes two schools for a rivalry. We need Michigan and they need us. How would we be able to tell which obese family of 6 at McDonald’s to feel bad for, and which to absolutely hate? Michigan shirts. How would we know our student body is gorgeous? Michigan students. How would we know what a delusional, desperately nostalgic fan base looks like? Michigan football. Respect the players: Whether they’re Spartans or something unfortunate, respect the kids who work hard every day to make the fans — any fans — proud. Heckle away, but don’t ever legitimately think that anyone starting on a B1G team “sucks.” Your IM team went 4-7. These guys could dunk you. Not dunk on you, they could literally dunk you.

Remember you’re friends: We all have friends at rival schools and if you don’t, you probably don’t have many friends. Whether you’re hating Bo Ryan’s satanic face, laughing at Urban Meyer eat pizza, or chucking chicken wings at Brady Hoke’s house—keep in mind that you still love your friends. Some people think that letting hatred of your rival totally engulf your life means you’re a “true fan,” but those people live in their mom’s basement and write death threats to recruits who didn’t choose the school they never even went to. So while you cheer the only true colors on to victory on Sunday, throughout the B1G tourney, and into March, remember what you just read. If you don’t win with class, you don’t really win at all. That being said: fuck Michigan. Fuck Michigan so hard.

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Relationship Status: Single Major: Criminal Justice

BARTENDER

Favorite Drink: Grey Goose pineapple Favorite Shot: Jameson Disgusting Drink: Cement mixer

ROCKSTAR

What liquor, to you, most screams, “I’m a freshman!”?: Well vodka What alcoholic product would make the best perfume?: Rumple Minze

OF THE WEEK

What do you think those guys in Chumbawamba are up to these days?: They’re dead, probably.

Ryanne of Harrison Pub

DRINKING GAME Bar Hop Hide-n-Seek

You’d wear a diaper for a week if…: A free trip

to Australia. If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: Nobody should be able to put your relationship status on there. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with?: Leonardo DiCaprio What did you find out last time you Googled yourself?: I don’t think I have ever googled myself. What’s the deal with airplane food?: It’s disgusting. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To find out fun, interesting things about EL.

RECIPE for DISASTER Stupid Salad

Yeah, drinking in a bar can be fun, but doesn’t it get a little boring after a while? That’s why you need to bar hop across campus. And not only that, but bar hop in style as well. Here’s a game that will keep you interested… and drunk!

You need some brain power before your big exam? You don’t know what kind of food will give you more of that power? Neither do we! We’re not scientists. Going green is probably your safest bet, so get off the couch and light up the grill! You’ve got a stupid salad to make, stupid.

What You’ll Need: A group of friends, $10-15 per person and enough energy to bar hop for a few hours. Number of Players: Preferably at least seven people – one person to hide and six others to split into groups of two or three. Level of Intoxication: Depends on how good of a guesser you are!

What You’ll Need: One package of lettuce (it will look just like a bag of green leaves), one handful of croutons, ¼ pound of grilled chicken (don’t grab a real chicken, they will bite) and a bottle of thousand island dressing. Make sure you only buy one, not a thousand. Stupid. Cook Time: You’ve got nothing but time. Fatty Factor: Lettuce has negative calories.

How to Play: - Meet your friends at your favorite bar on campus. Find a place to sit and order a drink. - Have everyone take out $10-15 and throw it in the middle of the table. - Chug your drinks. First one to finish grabs the money in the pot and heads out to a different bar. - The losers must stay behind and order at least one more drink. - The person with the money hides at another bar on campus, drinking with the money given to him or her. Don’t be a dick, though. Don’t buy rounds for the whole bar. - After waiting 20 minutes and finishing their drinks, the losers must split up into two teams to go out to find the hidden friend. - Every time a team enters a bar to find the person with the pot money, they must order at least one drink while searching there. -The teams continue to search for the missing friend, going from bar to bar on campus. - The person with the pot money is not allowed to leave their bar once they have gone inside.

Let’s Get Baked: - Put the lettuce in the bowl. What are you, stupid? - Warm up a skillet to, like, 7 or 8 or medium-high on your stove or whatever. - Put the slab of chicken on the grill and cook until there’s no more pink on the meat or else you’ll get salmonella (salmonella = puke-ma-nella). - OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THE KNIFE! - Safely use your knife to cut up your grilled chicken and mix it in the bowl with your lettuce and croutons - Pour some thousand island dressing on it, and you’ve got yourself a stew! (You’ll actually have a salad. Stupid.)

The Game Ends When: A team finds the hidden friend and continues to drink away the remaining money in the pot with him or her.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

A normal salad might not be filling on its own, but with the added ingredient of grilled chicken, you should find yourself well on your way to a stuffed evening. If this doesn’t help you pass your test, then we don’t know what will! Maybe studying or going to class might help ... stupid.

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s w e i v r e t n I p e e h S k c a l B e h T

n o s p m o h T y e n r a B : By

The Black Sheep: Early on when you guys were still trying to get your name out there, were promoters apprehensive to book a hip-hop/jazz live electronic act? Jeremy Salken: It was definitely a challenge in the beginning. Both of us had been in groups before so we had a lot of experience looking for promoters, digging through JamBase, looking for venues, and trying to find contacts. We were super lucky that early on we kind of both said to each other that we want to do this right. We didn’t want to pick just any show, we wanted to make sure we’re making the most of any gig we do and that we’re getting in front of the audience that we needed. Kind of along with that, we were lucky to team up with Sound Tribe in the beginning of our career and that got us in front of a crowd that had similar music taste, so we weren’t just in front of random people staring at us like, “What the hell are you doing?” TBS: How has the demographic of your crowds changed since Big Gigantic started touring? JS: Oh man, it’s interesting; it actually got a lot younger. In the beginning the focus was on a lot of over-21 shows. All our shows went from twelve to two or one to three in the morning, we’d play these super late shows. That was the thing, especially opening for Sound Tribe and then doing late nights for them, we’d be playing to these older kids. Then we noticed as EDM got a lot more popular that the age dropped and all the sudden there were freshmen and sophomores in college coming out, then there were high schoolers. As it got younger we started playing earlier to accommodate doing 18+ shows. So, there were things like that, that were sort of techniques we were using to get everyone we could involved, because ultimately we just want to play for everybody that we possibly can. There’s no reason to cut anybody out. It’s been cool to see the younger fanbase come into the genre, ‘cause they’re all really positive. Our shows are some of the first concerts they’ve ever been to, and I think you get a different bond with the band because of that. It’s nothing but love and you guys just wanna have a good time. TBS: Totally. How have you guys evolved your writing process and kept your sound fresh over the years? JS: Dom handles the writing, and while it’s evolved a little bit, it’s always pretty much been the same. He’s really into checking out as many different styles of music as possible, and that’s what we both did on our instruments growing up. We would want to learn a style, or if you were in a group you’d try to play that and mimic it. He’s taken that concept into producing and he’ll hear a tone that Skrillex or Bassnectar or Dylan does, you know anybody really. He’ll be like, “Okay cool. I want to see if I can take that and put my own spin on it and make it my own.” The way he writes, because he’s so knowledgeable with music since he went to school for that is probably a little different than most producers. He has a really heavy knowledge of chords, structure, modes and all those things that evoke different emotions which really helps him write more intricate, emotional songs. Not that one approach is better than the other; we’re just trying to do something new with it. TBS: That’s really the whole point of it, right? Creating something unique to you. JS: Yeah, exactly. The songs evolve and that’s got us psyched about the new album. It’s another evolution of Big G.

TBS: Talking about the next evolution, for your new album The Night is Young did you guys go in with a theme or concept behind it? JS: Not really. It started pretty organically with Dom trying to make these tracks about what he’s feeling at that time, trying to stay true to the Big G sound but also push it forward at the same time. I mean, we’ve been working on it for the last year and a half. He’s really been working on these tracks, we’ve been playing them live for a little bit and tweaking them based on crowd reactions. We’re constantly in the process of evolving the tune and finally we reached a spot where we’re like, “this is good, let’s put it out.” TBS: Big Gigantic’s been around for a while now, it’s essentially a staple in the live electronic scene. How did it feel when you realized that this was something you were going to be able to do as a career? JS: It’s still crazy to me that we’re able to do what we do. When we first went into it, we had both been in bands before and had done pretty much every kind of gig you could do from weddings to jazz clubs, I’ve even played a gig at Target before. When I was doing that I’d make $50 here and there, if I made $100 I was psyched. My reality then was that if I wanted to play music I was going to have to find a job to supplement my income. We were really fortunate that with Big G after about a two year span we realized that this is not only a full time job but a realistic way to support ourselves. Obviously, you have to keep touring to do that. TBS: That’s something I’ve noticed. You guys do some serious touring. On your current tour you’ve got maybe four days off throughout the whole thing.

JS: Yeah, it’s kind of crazy. We’re literally doing like 20-something shows in 25 days, but it’s gonna be really fun. We’re hitting some really good markets, everybody’s psyched and the dates are selling really well. We’re only going for about three and a half weeks so we wanted to make it as action packed as we could and little digs just kept popping up, we have a run of like nine shows back to back. It’s gonna be a good one for sure. TBS: How planned out are your sets since you have the live instruments, sax and drums, to work with? JS: There’s sort of a general outline of that Dom has in his Ableton set, but the way he has Ableton set up he can bounce around between pretty much all of our tracks. So, there isn’t really setlist that a band might have, but there’s an outline that he can adjust depending on what the crowd is into. TBS: On the album’s title track, you guys collaborated with Cherub. How’d that come about? JS: Well those guys have been homies for a while and Dom has worked on tracks of theirs before and we’ve always talked about doing a track with them. This new album just seemed like a perfect time to do something, so we hit those guys up and were really lucky to get them on. I think that track is something people are gonna love. It’s something a little different, we never really do stuff with vocals. TBS: Any news acts coming up that you’re really excited about? JS: Man, there’s so much stuff out there. Cashmere Cat is super dope. Really into Flume, he’s great and definitely pushing boundaries. The guys opening up for us on the tour, Manic Focus and Gladiator, they’re doing some really cool shit. There’s just a lot of good music out there right now.

THIS IS (YO MOMMA) JEOPARDY! Welcome to Jeopardy!, I’m your host, Alex Trebek. Today’s game features a special theme: Yo momma jokes. Can you identify the four categories of yo momma jokes portrayed here? Email us at Jeopardy@theblacksheeponline.com with the four correct categories and you’ll win a prize!

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