Volume 11
The Black Sheep
you Free get ! Hon you est r w ly, l i-fi. ike Not how eve n so rry.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 8
Naked Professor Memorial Run Planned by Students Baer Woods wrote this A group of students are planning to honor the second anniversary of the ex-MSU professor who stripped naked and ran through Anthony Hall on October 1, 2012 while screaming and ranting by joining together and recreating his descent into madness. “We were deeply affected that day. We want all of campus to remember it and to share in the celebration together,” claimed criminal justice major Max Roeske. “The university doesn’t do a good enough job of remembering this holiday, and we’re looking to change that.” However, not everyone around Michigan State is on board with this naked run. “I’m anticipating this being all dudes and fat chicks,” said marketing major Steve Brengman. “There is not going to be a single hot chick there, and I’m not looking to see a bunch of fatties and dicks flopping in the wind. Besides, streaking up and down Stoddard is basically a weekly occurrence with my crew. We go really hard, y’know?” The Michigan State Police is also taking a stand against this rally. “Streaking is illegal and those arrested or found to be part of this naked run will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” Michigan State University Police spokesperson Gary Melbuth said in a statement. “We plan on having our elite task force of horse cops, bike cops, mall cops and rent-a-cops on duty. So be warned, possible streakers.” However, organizers are not worried about police presence. “Considering that after the professor’s run two years ago there was a formal complaint filed to the police about their response time, we aren’t too worried about any police presence,” said Roeske. “We’re actually hoping that the officers will understand our plight, get in the nude, and start running with us. You never know.” “We’ve had mostly positive reactions to the run,” said Roeske. “We think the event will properly memorialize this event in Michigan State’s history.” If all goes well, the group plans on making this a recurring event. “If the turnout exceeds expectations, we hope we can extend this event into a yearly occurrence to expand the outreach,” said Roeske. “You know, we’re here to inform.”
Making this event a tradition isn’t the only thing that the group is hoping for. “Our biggest goal is to expand this run onto other campuses who have had similar events in their school’s history, starting with other schools around the Big Ten,” claimed Roeske. “And even bigger than that, we hope that one year in the future the ex-professor will join us. That would truly give the former professor the recognition he deserves.” The professor was not available to comment.
So far the Facebook invite group has 4 confirmed attendees with 2 maybes and 786 nos, which, according to Roeske is more than they had hoped for. The run is scheduled to take place next Monday at noon. Anyone who has more questions should tweet at @MSUNudeProfessorRun or email nakedprofessorrun@gmail.com. “We’re ecstatic over the turn-out and are hoping that we get more attendees,” said Roeske. “This event is looking like it’s going to be one to remember, and we’re excited for all the events in the future.
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BULLSH*T DETECTOR: ESPN PUTS MSU STUDENT SECTION ON BLAST
BLACK SHEEP TIPS: HOW TO AVOID GETTING A TICKET FROM PACE
WE INTERVIEW: BIZZY BONE OF BONE THUGS-N-HARMONY
APPARENTLY WE DON’T CARE FOR GOOD OL’ FASHION FOOTBALL BROUGHT TO YOU BY AT&T.
FOLLOW OUR FOUR-STEP PROCESS TO TRY TO SAVE SOME GREEN.
CHECK THEM OUT AT THE KALAMAZOO STATE THEATER ON OCTOBER 17TH.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_MSU OCTOBER 9th, 2014 - OCTOBER 16th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A FEW MORE WAYS
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BEAT OUR CAPTION!
TO KILL SOME TIME.
THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!
THE WAYWARD WAYNE “Finally, we can be together,” Karen whispered to Brian, moments after the Space Supreme Court struck down laws banning inter-Kingdom marriages. Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
WORD of the WEEK
REMARKETABLE Anything sold purely because of its nostalgic value.
Lenny paid a handsome $35 for a remarketable Saved by the Bell t-shirt—the show came out before he was even born.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Is considered an expert on sneakers.
2
Recently lost 75 pounds.
3
Began working at a pawn shop at age 21.
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ON THE STREETS What do you think will be the most overused Halloween costume this year? ZOE “Slutty Frozen characters.”
BECCA “Teen Wolf characters.”
LINSEY “Typical slutty nurse.”
06
IT’S ART, ASSHOLE
THE TOP TEN Ways MSU Should Spend
Bike Ticket Revenue Michigan State has decided enough is enough, and will start giving out fines for those who ride their bikes on the sidewalk. Since about 99% of students are guilty of this heinous crime, MSU is lookin’ to make some fat cash. We’re here to ensure that dough is wisely spent. 10.) R. Kelly: If MSU is trying to promote “One Community,” they should think about what brings people together. Obviously, the answer is R. Kelly’s 2003 banger, “Ignition (Remix).” If MSU installed a speaker in every classroom that played this party anthem on repeat, every single Spartan would feel hot and fresh out the kitchen. 9.) Wi-Fi: For some unknown reason, the Wi-FI signal in every building is as strong as Michigan’s offense. With all this cash, the least MSU could do is upgrade their 2004 wireless network with something a little more modern.
University Captures Rogue Sidewalk Chalker Albert Maclin wrote this Michigan State’s campus is full of brilliant works of art: the Sparty statue, the red twirly thing outside of SnyPhi, even the Eli Broad Art Museum has some redeemable artistic qualities. Whether you look to the sky or the ground, there’s always something to see. Cast your eyes to the floor while walking Grand River and you’re likely to see the deep red works of Pakistani floral art peppering the pathway. If you’re the more involved type, you may also have the good fortune to see various clubs and church groups advertising their meeting times in colorful chalk writings across the cement. Each group’s anonymous heroes, wielding buckets of sidewalk chalk, wander the campus, free of charge, illuminating the lackluster concrete all for the benefit of you, the casual walker. This philanthropy has always been fine and dandy– until just recently. Last week, Michigan State University captured and reprimanded a sidewalk chalk artist who evidently decided that his inner thoughts, which were far more explicit and sexual than any organization’s schedule, needed to be unveiled in a way that was more public than his Yik Yak account. While his name and the organization that he belonged to (plot twist: it wasn’t The Black Sheep) have elected to remain unnamed, his actions were anything but obscure. Sidewalks, statues, the walls of brick buildings: nothing was safe from this rogue chalkwriter’s wrath. Penises of all shapes and sizes littered Michigan State’s campus, coming to a climax at his greatest work of art: a colossal phallus that spanned the whole Benefactor’s Plaza. Take note that while the word “climax” was correctly used in the previous sentence to indicate a centerpiece, that the artwork was also depicted at a point in time where the subject was reaching a rather intense orgasm.
The university, while usually uncooperative with our (granted, extremely unreasonable) requests, reluctantly agreed to speak to The Black Sheep about the culprit’s actions: “We just feel lucky that it rained,” a spokesperson explained. “The things I saw that night scarred my corneas forever. If you thought the Benefactor’s Plaza was bad, you should’ve seen the front of the Hannah Administration Building.” He stopped talking and shivered, his eyes bulging with an intense fear as if he had just seen a nude Brady Hoke. After some coercing, our friend continued. “It was dark out, and the Hannah statue had been decorated with a gray hooded sweatshirt. The hood was up, and a pair of cheap sunglasses covered the statue’s eyes. There was also a fake white mustache and beard pasted on the statue’s face. The last part, I’ll admit, makes me extremely uncomfortable.” He paused again, finally whispering, “on the sidewalk, in enormous letters, was written the phrase ‘fuck her right in the pussy.’ This was elaborate, and a far too intense for my feeble heart… I hope I never have to see anything like it again.” Arguably the most interesting event in this chalker’s dramatic night was the way he was captured. His sidewalk art, devious to say the least, led him to more creative methods of mischievousness. The morning after producing his works of art, he was detained after trying to sell his TA a bag of ground-up chalk, claiming it was “super-cocaine.” Clearly he didn’t follow the proper protocol in selling your TA drugs, and was reported. Rookie. While his reign quickly came to an end, the rogue chalker’s work will go down in infamy. The university has asked us to implore our readers that copycat criminals are totally not cool, and that future sidewalk dick-drawing should please be conducted off of campus property.
8.) Condoms: This new bike law intends to promote safety, but turns a blind eye to an even bigger health risk: STDs. While there are tons of people riding bikes on the sidewalks, even more people are doing the dirty. If Michigan State gave out more free condoms, they’d really have our backs-- and our fronts. 7.) Real Concerts: Wiz Khalifa with Juicy J? Macklemore? Is MSU serious with this shit? We’ve really been getting the shaft lately. With the mad cash the bike law will bring in, maybe someone who doesn’t suck could come to East Lansing. Remember, Tupac, Pearl Jam, and Dave Chappelle have all played at the Breslin Center. Jesus. 6.) Legit Bike Lanes: The very least Michigan State could do is make the bike lanes rideable. That narrow little strip is a death wish for bikers with all those convertibles whipping around. If the sidewalk is illegal, and the street is deadly, what on earth are bikers supposed to do? 5.) MSU Brew: MSU Brew already has a nice ring to it. Spartans love their social lubricant and everyone would buy beer endorsed by Sparty. It doesn’t even have to be that good, just better than Keystone Ice. 4.) Made-to-Burn Couches: We can’t help it if the best way to celebrate is setting fire to furniture. MSU could tap into this unfulfilled market and sell cheap couches for the students to set ablaze! 3.) Free CATA Bus: Even without the new bike enforcement, CATA should be free for how big this campus is. Having to spend $100 on a bus pass to save yourself from death (or bike fines) is just insulting. The least MSU could do for its students is foot the bill for the bus.
2.) Addition to Spartan Stadium: It is annoying as hell that U of M boasts its “Big House” seating stats. Nothing would make us Spartans feel even better about ourselves than taking the title of “Biggest Stadium” from those pretentious pricks. 1.) Free Tickets: The truth is that no one cares whether they’re biking on the street or the sidewalk. There will be so many fines that everyone’s sure to get pissed off and shit. If the university randomly announced that all students could get in to sporting events for free, people would forget about the bikes and the bullshit and think, “Wow, this bike rule is shitty, but let’s get throwed and go to the game.” MSU Staff wrote this
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SORRY NOT SORRY
Breaking up
Dear Breakdance Club,
with the
breakdance club Lauren Masek wrote this
There’s so much I want to say to you, but I’m not sure where I should begin. Should I start by telling you that I love your club? Or that I can’t wait to spend my next few years at MSU with you? If I said either of those things, I’m afraid they would be lies. While I’m glad that you want me to join your club so badly, the truth is I signed up for many clubs at Sparticipation that I’ll never join. I got caught up in the moment, and there was so much free swag going around that I signed up for nearly everything. The numbers would probably impress you. I hit the Paranormal Society, the Role-Playing Association, and Spartan Board Gamers; and did you hear there’s a Jedi Council? You seem really nice, and I’m sure you could be a lot of fun, but I just want to pursue my other options - like ones that I can actually pull off. I remember when we began seeing each other back in September. It was a whirlwind. I approached your table, being pushed along by a large group of students behind me, and signed my email and name like I had done fifty times already. Part of me will think of you often; all of the fond memories of me receiving your emails and getting upset at the sheer amount of them, or the time I accidentally opened one and was almost persuaded into coming to a session. I want to thank you for the lovely day at Sparticipation and the free flyer that you gave me, even though it quickly ended up in the Yakeley recycling bin. Since we can’t be together, at least we shared that moment. We both put our best foot forward—as if to downrock-- but didn’t actually reveal our true selves. In all honesty, I can’t dance, like at all; I can’t even do the Sprinkler or the Robot. You will want me to do much more than that as a member of the Breakdance Club, and I just can’t handle the pressure. I’ll keep that free Frisbee you gave me, though. It’s awful quality, but makes a great dinner plate when I don’t eat in Landon caf. As with many college relationships, and also my ex-boyfriend’s sexual performance, this was extremely short lived. I suppose it just wasn’t meant to be. I tried to view our relationship through a permanent lens, but I could only see it through a temporary one — so short I don’t even know why it started in the first place. Other people will end up making you happy and I hope you find that happiness. I’m sorry it couldn’t work out between us, but I’m just so much happier spending my Tuesdays from 5-7 watching Netflix. This relationship has never worked for me, nor will it ever. I will stick with my IM soccer team, Spartan Ski Club, and the Pre-Law Society because those are things I’m actually capable of doing and doing well. Also, the Ski Club gave me a cool shirt and they invite me to great parties. So in conclusion, no, I do not want to come to your sessions. Please stop emailing me. I do not wish to hear from you again. I hope you understand there’s always next year. Sincerely, Someone Who Now Hates You
The Black Sheep Bullsh*t Detector: ESPN Puts MSU Student Section on Blast Robert Kelly wrote this
After an absurdly amazing weekend in college football, which included eleven Top 25 ranked teams taking losses, ESPN still found time to bash our student section. The front page of ESPN.com showcased Athletic Director Mark Hollis’ discontent with the student section for Saturday’s game. According to ESPN we’re just some classically spoiled millennial fans. “KIDS THESE DAYS WITH THEIR CELL PHONES DON’T CARE FOR GOOD OL’ FASHION FOOTBALL BROUGHT TO YOU BY AT&T®.” While it would be wrong to completely condone the lack of second half student attendance at the game on Saturday, the amount of blame and criticism towards MSU students for this needs to be addressed. Students buy tickets to have fun, by no means should they be held responsible to stay, let alone for the outcome of the game. That’d be like Larry Flynt complaining that no one sticks around to see the endings of his movies. After the Nebraska win, Mark Hollis took to Twitter, like any
passive aggressive angry white girl would, and proceeded to exclaim his “embarrassment” for the “southeast corner.” After not even mentioning the student section by name, Hollis’ initial attempt to separate himself from the “issue” was slightly saved by his next tweet that seemed to take some responsibility for the lack of participation. However, if Hollis’ Twitter activism is his attempt to look hip and young then he’s doing a good job. He probably had to Google search “Subtweeting” to make sure he was doing it right. Retweet Magic Johnson and tell us about your day if you please, but if you want to put the student section on blast, could you at least explore some type of formality? The student section was important enough to be put under this criticism but only important enough for your
Twitter account? We see you. Let’s pause, and take a trip down memory lane to the Andrew Maxwell days of 2012. MSU football took on a depleted Iowa team, on Homecoming, in the freezing rain. The Spartans went into halftime with a 7 point lead and about an equal number of students cheering them into the locker room. After going on to lose the game in overtime, no one blamed the student section. Fast forward two years and a Rose Bowl win later – now our student section is getting bashed by our own Athletic Director and ESPN for not completely devoting over 5 hours to a rainy, cold, seemingly blow-out game? Everyone with tickets appreciates where Dantonio has taken this program, but the time and money students and all fans put into the program should not be
taken for granted. Michigan State is willing to sell more than 13,000 season tickets to students and that is AWESOME. One of the great things about State is you don’t have to Sanduskyville Paternoville your way to tickets like other Big Ten schools. However, if you do the math, students are spending around 2 MILLION dollars each season on the “southeast corner.”We added $175 to our insurmountable student loan debt so we could watch our unpaid classmates play for you, we don’t owe you anything more. Sorry for the embarrassment Hollis, but let us know how the inside of the new locker room we paid for smells. The bottom line is that it was cold and raining, it was Saturday night and students have other obligations, like going to Rick’s and not standing in the cold rain. Don’t say we didn’t stick around because the stadium has shitty wifi, you idiots. The second half play calling when the game was in complete MSU control wasn’t super exciting (As ExCiTiNg As
OuR CeLl PhoNes~!~), it was cold and raining. We’re human. I like watching Shilique Calhoun throw Nebraska players six feet under the ground as much as the next guy, but come on, we post the bar specials on here for a reason. If the students that left the game feel remorse, don’t show it for Mark Hollis or ESPN or angry Spartan fans that didn’t spend 4 hours in 40 degree rain that night. The only reasonable reaction that came from the game were the players who expressed the gratitude and enjoyment that they receive from a section full fellow students, but took full
responsibility for the second half collapse. By no means are we saying the students shouldn’t have left, but don’t let ESPN smugly imply we don’t appreciate football and “only care about [our] cellphones” while they sit in your warm box seats/studio with each other’s thumbs up your butts and collect millions of dollars off the students on the field and in the stands. If Hollis wants to make changes to increase how full his football stadium looks on national television, he can lineup 90 minutes before kickoff outside the “southeast corner” and have a chat.
Broadman Meets Batman Sparty Shadows wrote this As you’ve probably read on the internet during class, Batman vs. Superman is filming in Michigan and a casting call has been open to MSU students, suggesting there will be on-campus filming. While most know that there have been extensive Ben Affleck sightings in Detroit, The Black Sheep has uncovered a copy of the script. In it, there is one huge surprise that all Spartans will rejoice upon discovering: Broadman returns. That’s right, nerds! Eli Broad aka “Broadman” will make a cameo in this blockbuster film. We won’t make you wait any longer, below is a script excerpt from the scene: EXT: Detroit, night Batman flees from danger; hops on I-96 in the Batmobile as rain pours from the heavens. There are no other cars on the road. BATMAN: (Talking to self) There’s only one place I can go. The only place I was ever happy. The last place they would expect to find me… Batmobile, take me back to college. The Batmobile guns into top gear— aerial shot of car zooming down highway.
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EXT: East Lansing, same night Batman sits perched atop Beaumont Tower, looking down on a quiet, rain-soaked East Lansing. The storm has subsided but rumbles of thunder can still be heard in the distance. A loud crack of thunder lets out as a bullet flies from the darkness, striking
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Batman in the shoulder and knocking him to the ground. BATMAN: Argh. Dammit! Where are you!? Who are you!?
into the middle of East Circle Drive. Brandon fights back with a sharp right hook, tossing Batman against the Broad Museum’s front entrance.
BRANDON: You’re strong, but I’m stronger, Batman! I’ve been Batman peers into the darkness, seeing nothing, but injecting experimental steroids stolen from the feeling immense danger. university medical building. We’re the leaders and best at being assholes, don’t you know!? UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: I’m the Director of Death, Batman! I’ve already got Brandon kicks Batman through the doors of the Superman tied up to a big ol’ brick of kryptonite, Broad Museum and into a secret chamber where would you like to join him in my chamber? Superman sits, slumped over and weakening next to a large brick of kryptonite. Dave Brandon, Michigan’s exiled Athletic Director, emerges from the shadows wearing a tattered suit BATMAN : with a blood-stained, tacky Michigan tie. His eyes You couldn’t handle losing, could you? You are bloodshot with anger and his skin has hardened couldn’t take the embarrassment like a man… from experimental steroid use. BRANDON: DIRECTOR OF DEATH: ENOUGH! Now it’s time for both of you super I’m going to do to you what I did to Michigan’s heroes to become super… dead. football program, Batman! You and Superman are going to fight to the death in the Big House in MYSERIOUS VOICE: front of all my maize minions. That’ll fill the seats, Well that was fucking lame. it has to! They must come for that! There will be no survivors! Broadman comes flying from the ceiling out of an explosion of $100 bills, wielding a copper BATMAN: spear made by an ancient Roman sculptor and I knew you were turning, you son of a bitch. I a Spartan helmet crafted by Leonidas himself. knew it after the sky-writing debacle. You’re a dark soul, Brandon. But I’ve got a bright idea for you… BROADMAN: I think it’s time you’ve had a taste of Spartan Batman throws huge uppercut, knocking Brandon strength. It starts here!
Broadman punches Brandon in the mouth, blood spatters an Andy Warhol painting. Brandon falls to the ground, crying. BROADMAN: Oh, no, Davey Boy! You got blood on my Warhol?! That’s worth more than your precious football program and your life combined! Looks like you’re going to have to pay up. Broadman continues to kick the shit out of Brandon, lightning strikes in the distance and rain begins to pour once again. Batman regains strength and unties Superman from the kryptonite. BATMAN: Broadman, I—I thought you were retired. I didn’t know you—
BROADMAN: Didn’t know I still had it in me? You think I’m going to let some weasel kill the two best superheroes of all time? Not on my Rolex watch. BATMAN: Let me get in on this. Batman drop-kicks Brandon roughly 20 yards. Superman regains his strength, looks up to see Batman and Broadman beating Brandon to a pulp. Camera zooms in on Superman’s face, freckled with blood and dirt. SUPERMAN: Victory for MSU. Victory for justice. Victory for all things right. Roll credits, baby!
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CRAFT DRAFT
SHOTS
TWO HEARTED ALE - BELL'S BREWERY, 7.0% American and businesses, call (517) 351-5296 IPA (Kalamazoo, MI) $4 CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH - Rumchata, Fireball BLUE MOON - COORS BREWING, 5.4% Witbier
$5 Drafts (6-11PM) $2 (Colorado) Domestic $2 Wells (6-11PM)
GUINNESS - 4.2% Irish Dry Stout (Ireland ANGRY ORCHARD - SAM ADAMS, Hard Cider (Massachusetts)
$4 Bombs,
$3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks, $2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) 80oz Domestic Draft Tower $13 $2 Washington Apple Shots, HUMA-LUPA-LICIOUS SHORT'S BREWING, 6.9% Purchase a Tower or Bucket and $2 Wells (6-11PM) Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Royal, Apple WASHINGTON APPLE - Crown American IPA (Bellair, MI) $4 HACKER-PSCHORR - HACKER-PSCHORR, 5.3% hefeweizen (Germany) $5
get $2 off of your food tab! Schapps, Cranberry 5 Free Line Dance Lessons @ 7:30pm CIROC BOMB - 6
Clark Manson Live in Concert!
Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
Go Green! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Pre-
HONEYLICIOUS - Baileys Vanilla, Cinna-twist FAT TIRE AMBER ALE - NEW BELGIUM BREWING, 5.2% 18 & up Welcome, miumSmirnoff Pitchers, $5 16oz5Long Islands, / Red Ale (Colorado) $5 $6 for 21+ & $8 for 18-20 $0.50American Beer,Amber $4.50 Long Islands, Cover $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, JAMESON - 5
$6 34oz Mixed Drinks for Ladies All and $2.50 Bombs (2pm-8pm) LAGUNITAS - American IPA | 6.20% ABV California, Night! Free shuttle from campus dorms United States $5 and businesses, call (517) 351-5296 CURIOUS TRAVELER SHANDY - THE TRAVELLER BEER CO., 4.4% Fruit Beer (Vermont) $5
$5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines, $12.95 Surf N Turf, $2 off All Veggie Entrees
COCKTAILS $3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints,
$3 16oz, Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas, Closed BLOODY MARY - Kettle one juice,Pitchers, $3.50 Oasis $6 vodka, Oasistomato Margarita Follow ushoreradish, on hot sauce, ground pepper 7 Margarita Glasses, $2 Well Whiskey Twitter @WBLansing $5juice, Off mint Kabob Combos For Two MASTER MOJITO -BacardiDrinks, Rum, lime leaves,
MILLER LITE - 1/2 MillerOff Brewing Co.Light Lager | 4.17% ABV Sunday Day! Wisconsin, United States $3 BUD LIGHT - Anheuser-Busch Light Lager | 4.20% ABV Missouri, United States $3 LABATT BLUE - Labatt Brewing Company Ltd. American Adjunct Lager | 5.00% ABV Ontario, Canada $3
BEER BOTTLES
AMSTEL LIGHT 4 BUD LIGHT 3 BUDWEISER 3 BUD LIGHT PLATINUM 4 $2 Domestic (6-11PM) COORS LIGHT Drafts 3 CORONA 4 $2 Wells (6-11PM) CORONA LIGHT 4 DOS EQUIS 4 HEINEKEN 4 HEINEKEN LIGHT 4 LABATT BLUE 3 LABATT LIGHT 3 NEW $2 BLUE Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) CASTLE BROWN 4 RED$2 STRIPE 4 Wells (6-11PM) NEGRA MODELO 4 Half Off Selected Craft Beer Pints MIKES HARD 4 MICHELOB LIGHT 3 M.G.D 3 REDDS APPLE 3 MILLER LIGHT 3 VANDERMILLS CIDER 6 $2 Domestic Drafts MOLSON CANADIAN 3 (6-11PM)
$2 Wells (6-11PM)
& $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
simple syrup, club soda 7
SPECIAL NIGHT
4
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, RANCHER Electronic DanceJOLLY Party, 18+ - Amaretto, Melon Schapps, Sprite 4 $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, Nightly Drink JAGER Specials BOMB - Jagermeister, Red Bull 5 Schawarma Sand$3.50 Beef Free Shuttle from Campus, $5 PATRON 7 wiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads, Call (517)-351-5296 $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
MACH 5 - Crown royal, Rumpleminze, Fireball, Bacardi Pure Country Friday! No Cover Charge ALL DAY IPA - FOUNDERS BREWING, 4.7% / Imperial IPA 151, Jagermeister (LIMIT 2) 8$2 Domestic Pints & (Grand Rapids, MI) $4 5 Domestic Bottles in a Bucket $13
$2 Domestic Drafts (6-11PM) $2 Wells (6-11PM)
The Bar Grid
SATURDAY: Clark Manson Live in
Concert! 18 & up Welcome, SATURDAY: CARAMEL APPLE - Crown Royal, Apple Schnapps, Butterscotch Specials run Monday SOFT PARADE - SHORT'S BREWING, 9.0% Fruit BeerCover $6 for 21+ & $8 for 18-20 $0.50(Bellair, Beer, $4.50 Long Islands, Schnapps 4 $6 34oz MI) $5 Mixed Drinks for Ladies All Sunday All Day & Night! and $2.50 Bombs (2pm-8pm) JOHNNY VEGAS -Tequila, Watermelon Schnapps, Red Bull, 5 Night! Free shuttle from campus dorms
6pm - 10pm
9/16/2014 2:56:24 PM
PIMMS PLEASE - Pimms, and Sprite on the rocks 6
$2 Domestic Bottles, $3 Premium/ Closed Micro/Craft Bottles, $4 Featured MartiSTATE BOMB Goldschlager, Baileys dropped in beer 6 Check out nis, $2.50 Glasses of House Wine, whiskeybarrelsaloon.net $6 Julio, 1/2 Lbs. & ANAJEO SPICY MARGARITA - Don GrandCheeseburger Marnier, lime juice, simple syrup, chili powder 9 for concert updates! Falafurger Combo CARRIE BRADSHAW - Citrus Flavored Vodka,orange liqueur, cranberry juice, lime 8 $3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and
Pints), $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses
Closed TOP SHELF LONG ISLAND -of CÎROC, Don Julio, All, Our MadeCaptain in Michigan Wines, Coke, sourof mix 8 $6 Pitchers Oasis Mai Tai's, Check out our foodMorgan, menuTanqueray, online!Grand Marnier, $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's,
MARTINI ON THE ROCKS - Grey Goose, dry Vermouth, bitters, lemon peel 8 $3 Off Select Appetizers
WHISKEY SOUR - Crown Royal, lemon juice, simple syrup $2 Off Pitchers Of Beer, $5 616oz Sicilian
College Night, 18+ Long Islands, $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers, 7 & Booze, CITY - Vanilla rum, Vernors Discounted CoverROCK w/ College IDvodka, spiced $3 All Mediterranean Beer $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Free Shuttle from Campus, Mediterranean Wines, $2.49 Falafel SandCall (517)-351-5296 wiches, $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
MARTINIS
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells, Electronic Dance Party, 18+ $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints, GUMMY BEAR - Raspberry vodka, peach schnapps, splash Nightly Drink ofSpecials sour and sprite 7 $3.50 Beef Schawarma SandwichFree Shuttle from Campus, es, $5.50 Falafel Salads & DIRTY MARTINI - Grey goose, dry vermouth, olive juice in Call (517)-351-5296 $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads a chilled martini glass 8
TRAY CATERING FROM 10 TO 1,000. ANY EVENT
Thursday 10/9 Friday 10/10 Saturday 10/11 Sunday 10/12 Monday 10/13 Tuesday 10/14 Wednesday 10/15 Thursday 10/16
PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
TIPS N’ TRICKS
STEP 1: Approach the PACE officer calmly. Do not tell him that the car under examination is yours. Compliment their uniform and strike up small talk such as “Wow, it must have taken years of training to learn to be a PACE officer,” or “Thank you for your service to the community,” which are obvious bald-faced lies. While you flatter the officer, say “Whoa, look at that car without a permit over there!” Then, when he isn’t looking insert a few quarters into the meter. When the officer looks back and sees the now-in-use meter, shout “Alakazam!” and get in the car to drive away. Fear not, slow pokes, if you are caught there is still hope, as long as you follow step two.
How to Avoid Getting a Ticket from Pace Here in East Lansing, the Parking and Code Enforcement, better known as PACE, is like the Kanye West of law enforcement: both think they are more important than they are and both like to exact vengeance on the helpless. Many a time a quick trip to pick up the pair of sunglasses you left in your friend’s dorm room has turned into a bank account-emptying run-in with PACE. With more than 38,000 parking tickets issued in 2012, and $1.9 million in ticket revenue for East Lansing ( how’s that for some hard-hitting journalism?), it’s no wonder that the Earth’s forests are disappearing. If you truly “Go Green,” then you’ll follow these four easy steps to help prevent the vanishing of both yours and the world’s green.
STEP 3: The time for words is over. Run and do a bad-ass slide across the hood of your car, hop in the driver seat and Paul Walker that bitch out of there. Running from a PACE officer shouldn’t be the most difficult task in the world, seeing as their job is to track down stationary objects. If you can time the stoplight at the corner of Grand River and Hagadorn just perfect, the PACE officer chasing you will be stuck there for so long you could watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy and still get away. If all those nights playing Beerio Kart weren’t sufficient in improving your driving skills and you still can’t shake that meter maid, then you are left with only one choice.
STEP 2:
STEP 4:
If you get caught attempting to prolong the meter, immediately drop to your knees and grovel. You must play to his false sense of dominance. Something along the lines of “Oh please all-powerful PACE, please have mercy on my pitiful existence” should do the trick. For added effect, make up a story about how your parents neglected you as a child and never taught you important life lessons like where it’s acceptable to park. Or for those who are foreign, or can do a good accent, say that you will be deported back if you rack up another parking ticket. If they still won’t budge, or if you have too much selfrespect, then it’s time for step three.
Head to Canada. PACE surely will have your license plate number by now, so there’s no turning back. Sever all contact with your loved ones. Start a life in the Great Blue North wilderness, trapping beavers as a means for survival. Congratulations! You have successfully evaded a parking ticket from PACE, and all you had to do was give up your life as you know it. Now take that money you saved, cash in the exchange rate and get belligerently drunk and slur some Canucks. You earned it! Justin Sienkowski wrote this
visit the whiskey barrel to see rising country stars!
LIVE! OCTOBER 11th 21+: $6 | 18-20: $8
WALKER McGUIRE LIVE! OCTOBER 18th
weekly specials
21+: $6 | 18-20: $8
UPCOMING CONCERTS! 10/11: CLARK MANSON (18+) 10/18: WALKER McGUIRE (18+)
WEDNESDAY: 18+ College Night, Free Shuttle, Discounted Cover w/ College ID H THURSDAY: Electronic Night, 18+ H FRIDAY: Pure Country, 21+ H SATURDAY: Country Ladies Night: $6 34oz Mixed Drinks for Ladies! Live Music!
410 S. CLIPPERT ST., LANSING • FREE SHUTTLE! CALL TO SCHEDULE (517) 351-5296 • LIKE US ON FACEBOOK & FOLLOW US ON TWITTER
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Major: Bartending Favorite Drink: Great Lakes cocktail • Favorite Shot: Jameson Disgusting Drink: Cinnamon tequila If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Fireball, so everything is nice and sticky.
solve?: My broken heart
Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: Be gentle.
Which Taco Bell item best represents your personality, and why?: Cheesy Gordita Crunch because it never actually looks as good as it does in pictures.
What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: Dweeb
BART of BEGGAR’S THE DRINKING GAME
SMACK THE BARTENDER Look at that arrogant buttface, sitting over there behind the bar atop his little throne, counting his tips, and acting like he owns the place. It’s time to show him what’s up. You’re the king of this bar, not him. Or maybe you’re just really drunk. Who cares? Dude, you can totally take him. What You’ll Need: A strong hand and a weak bartender. Number of players: Just you, the bartender, and whoever is in your way. Level of intoxication: Enough to slap the bartender. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: Blind
To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom, five minutes.”?: Jennifer Lawrence
Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: Jimmy Houston and his mom wears army boots.
Is there anything a good ole’ fashioned karate chop doesn’t
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Wait, people read that?
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
FRIED McDOUBLE Alright, it’s time to polish the turd. You’ve ordered a McDouble and have the instant regret of filling your body with 90% grease and 10% loss of self-respect. It’s time to double the McDouble and fry that bad boy like it’s never been fried before – because it hasn’t. You’re a health-hazard revolutionary. You’re a savior. You’re the first person to fry and try a McDouble. What You’ll Need: $1 and some loose change because of tax (thanks, Obama), patience, minimal athletic skill, the will to discover what’s on the other side of life. Fatty Factor: You’ve already walked inside a McDonald’s, what do you care?
How to play: - Start drinking with your friends at home, then go out. - Get to the bar and hone in on your desired target. - Stare the bartender down from across the bar, make sure he knows you’re on to him. - With every move he makes, counteract with a disruptive bar tactic (yelling, smashing glass). You need to prove your dominance as the alpha drunk and let him know who’s boss. - Approach the bar with caution (he may be on to you with all the yelling). - Whisper your drink order so he leans in close. - When he leans in close, whisper “I GOTCH’YA” into his ear. - SLAP HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.
Let’s Get Baked: - Suffer through the shit storm that is McDonald’s customer service and order a McDouble. - If you’re lucky enough to receive what you’ve ordered, remove the paper wrapping. - Yell in a foreign language and hop over the customer service desk. - Approach the fry cook and confiscate their uniform. - Now you’re in disguise. Toss your McDouble into the fryer and wait 90 seconds until it’s done. - Pour as much salt as possible on your McDouble and eat in one bite while you run away from the restaurant manager. - Shit in the restaurant lobby and demand a free coupon.
The Game Ends When: You slap the bartender in the face and run away as fast as you can. Combine this game with the fried McDouble recipe for maximum marathon training.
Now that you’ve mastered a regular visit at McDonald’s, check up next week when we make a shake out of a 20-piece McNugget.
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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS:
Though it’s not quite the first of the month, Bizzy Bone of Bone Thugs-n-Harmony fame was nice enough to do a quick phone interview from his palatial estate out in sunny California. He was watching Constantine, but YOU can watch him performing with the rest of Bone Thugs at the Kalamazoo State Theater on October 17th. Brendan wrote this
The Black Sheep: So where are you guys on your tour? Bizzy Bone: We’ve been on the road for about two-and-a-half years, soon we’re embarking on a world tour for the next three, four years. We’re wrapping up in the states right now. Let’s get this party started, man! TBS: Our audience was being born when you guys first hit. How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you before? Bizzy: Oh man, we have a great light show, and a live, energetic performance. Our DJ keeps the crowd hyped. When we bring the live band with us, it steps it up a notch as well. It’s a different variation of show, depending on what we want to do. They’re just all that. TBS: Having been on tour so long, how do you keep putting up with one another? Bizzy: To be honest with you, it’s about being grateful. When you’ve been in the business 20 years, you’ve seen the ups and the downs, bro; the highs and the lows; the bounce-backs and the fallbacks. You’ve fallen down a few times before you’ve gotten up. So you’re grateful for each other. To continue to brand something we built and for the people who still want to see it and hear our stories, it’s super-terrific. That’s how we do it, being grateful for one another. TBS: When you’re on stage do you ever worry about stepping on each other’s toes? Bizzy: Bro, bro. When we get around each other, we know how to waltz around each other. We grew up with each other, we had to sleep in the same house as each other, we know each other’s habits, we know when each other gets irritated. We already know that. The waltz isn’t a problem. We’re totally pro on that, bro-bro. TBS: How did you get your very unique flow? Bizzy: I started off when I was young singing, mimicking songs on the radio. I’d make voices off the television, cartoons. There was guy who used to come on late at night—they called him the Night Owl—and then there was Wolfman Jack—this was back in Ohio—and I had to be 2 or 3 years old. It started with the voices, then it came on with the harmony, then the rapping. It was continuing practice around my people. Practice makes perfect. To this day I still practice. I’ll look at the sun over the mountains and practice like I used to back when I had nothin’. TBS: And that same 20 years you’re still making music, how do you make sure the creative well doesn’t dry up? Bizzy: I mean, someone people aren’t like artists; the true definition of an artist isn’t “I want to do this to be rich and famous,” it’s to do something that makes an impact on the world in art. Like, Beethoven, the well doesn’t go dry. I wake up, I listen to music. I listen to music all day. I study it. I live it. It’s what I do. Bring that back to Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, five more guys, you never lose out. Then, take into consideration Flesh-n-Bone did 10 years. He missed a decade of Rolexes, so on and so forth. He missed that whole 10 years, then he brought energy back to us. Our vibrance is just swirlin’. TBS: So then how is your creative approach different when you’re working on a solo piece, versus something with Bone? Bizzy: Hey man, that’s a part of the learning process. I was just speaking with one of my producers about it. He was saying, “You know what, B? The way you lay down chorus lines with the group, you should lay it down for yourself as well.” I used to differentiate my solo career and what defined me as a human being and as a person with my music. I’ve always separated it—now, the same songs I do with my crew are the same songs I want to do for me when I’m doing something solo. TBS: When on tour how do you make sure the days don’t blur together, or do they? Bizzy: When you get older and you’re planning to touch not just certain states, but certain countries and providences, and you need to get overseas you know to get your butt back on the bus, get to the hotel, get some sleep. You need some time to do that or you won’t be able to make it the next twenty days in a row. So yeah, you get time to yourself, but you learn to take that time to rest your body. You’re only human and there’s only so much you can do. When you’re a superstar you need to know when to lay your superstar self down so you can be live on stage the next night. If you want to have a 20-year career you need to take care of yourself. TBS: So what do you do in your downtime? Bizzy: Yeah man, I’m into what new phone is out, new technology, reading, making plans for the near future and what to add to the shows. My life revolves around Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, my family, taking care of my children while I’m out here working. I don’t get to see my kids very often, but I get to financially hold them down while I’m out here. That’s what my life revolves around. I don’t need much, I’ve accumulated a lot of toys in my time, if I can keep those toys clean and still be able to take care of my responsibilities, that’s what I’m on. TBS: 20 years doing this, how has the music industry changed? Bizzy: It’s been some cool on certain things. It’s changed, man. I met Eazy-E at 16 years old. They were just starting to use computers then. Now you can download music for free. Downloads have been going on for fifteen years now, it’s just accepted. But, it’s brought up the visibility of the artist, and now touring is at an all-time high. Now, the place with the industry is going with it. Brothers like Two Chainz, brothers like Jay Z, 42 or 43 years old in this game. Back in the day you got to a certain age in hip-hop you couldn’t rap no more. It’s a great time for hip-hop and Bone Thugs-n-Harmony in general.
Quarter
PAGE 14 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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THE BEST EAST LANSING BARS FOR WATCHING MSU AWAY GAMES Addie wrote this Home games are the time to drink outside and pass out on your lawn. Away games are the time to stay warm in a bar and watch the game all the way through. So with our beloved Spartans hitting the road to West Lafayette this weekend The Black Sheep has developed a kick-ass list of the great bars in East Lansing to spend your away games.
your goal of eventually conquering the shot wheel.
The Riv: One of the many great things about The Riv is all the games they have to play. While our boys are slaughtering Purdue, you can slaughter your ad Purdouche page = 5” grad w Xstudent 5.5”brother h in some darts or some pool.
Hopcat: Going to Hopcat for an away game rocks. With over 100 beers on tap (even Hamm’s!!!) everybody gets what they want-- including a Spartan win.
PT’s: Legend says that one afternoon, two members of The Black Sheep did every shot on the shot wheel and walked out alive. We don’t recommend doing it all in one day, but hitting up PT’s for away games can help achieve
Dublin: For that classic pub feel with the drinks and food to match, Dublin is where it’s at. We don’t have the Fighting Irish on our schedule this year, so we can enjoy delicious Irish treats guilt-free during any game on the schedule.
Harper’s: Cuddle up with a Spartan Wheat (or your other favorite Harper’s brew) and wait for Mike Sadler’s booty to walk on the field and make the game. Crunchy’s: Buckets of food. Let us repeat that: Buckets. Of. Food. So many kinds of sliders, burgers, and beers, you may
be too distracted to watch the game, so go for the Indiana game, you won’t miss much. Peanut Barrel: The Peanut Barrel is an awesome spot for people who love MSU. It’s a great place to stop when your dad comes down so you can hear about how he made out with Cindy Kazinski over by the dartboard. Woody’s: Sometimes you want something a little healthier with your Spartan football game. Woody’s is perfect for that. Snack on some meat pie, cheese pie or dip into your favorite type of hummus while those creeps in Maryland eat softshell crab. Gross. Peppino’s: If pizza is your choice game food, Peppino’s is a no-brainer. Buffalo chicken pizza, chicken Alfredo pizza, good ol’ meat lovers, or you can build
HARPER’S
HAMBURGER HEAVEN
2
$
ALL-YOU CAN-EAT
Hamburgers Hot Dogs French Fries Salad Bar
Thursday 2-10 PM
All Draft Pints HEAVENLY $2.00 $2.50 Soco Limes, Kamis, LI’s SPECIALS $3.00 Dbles, Shots & Bombs
your own pizza and be in game day heaven.
drunk enough to guess the words to the Alma Mater on your walk home.
Buffalo Wild Wings: B-Dubs is obviously the place to get wings, get ‘em sweet, get ‘em mouth-murdering hot, whatever you’re into, you’ll get them here. And with so many games on, you can watch the Spartans beat the Boilermakes and then watch the slap-fight between the Nittany Lions and the Wolverines.
Rick’s: After a solid win, Rick’s is the place to go to celebrate. Or on the rare occasion that we lose a game, still head over to Rick’s and shake it ‘til you forget there was even a game that day.
Stateside Deli: The Saturday special is 50¢ Keystone from 4p.m. to midnight. Hello, night games. You can easily get
Don’t spend the away games at home studying quietly on your futon, go out and make some beautiful memories with your friends at each and every one of these bars this football season—it’s The Black Sheep’s challenge to you.
The only relevant shirts for football season
FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY - RICH HOMIE D
comes with a FREE Koozie! - blacksheepswag.com
THE SIMPSONS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 3) The owner of the Kwik-E-Mart, last name. 7) The twins in Bart’s class, with purple hair and pale skin. 11) The family’s pet cats.
13) The family’s pet dog is whose Little Helper? 14) Skinner 15) The spokes-mascot for Duff Beer.
DOWN: 1) The Sunday School teacher, Ms. What? 2) The youngest of the Simpsons. 4) Ned Flanders’s deceased wife. 5) The cool elementary school bus driver. 6) Sideshow Bob’s Italian wife. 7) The last name of the owner of Moe’s Tavern. 8) The cartoon cat and mouse, two words. 9) Springfield Chief of Police, two words. 10) Mr. Burn’s personal assistant. 11) The town The Simpsons takes place in. 12) Lisa’s instrument of choice.
15
YO U R H O U S I N G S E A R C H STA R T S H E R E J O I N U S AT T H E
MSU
HOUSING FAIR OCTOBER 9 • 11-4PM THE MSU UNION
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KINDLE FIRE APPLY ONLINE TODAY @ ABBOTTPL.COM Fees & prizes subject to change. Limited time only. See office for details.