The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 8, Issue 8 • 2/27/13 - 3/6/13
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rush hour 4: sparty spring break msu staff wrote this
“Come on, Lee, you really think a place called ‘Menna’s Joint’ is gonna have egg drop soup? You too ridiculous sometimes,” says detective Carter, as he takes another bite of his Waui Dub. Inspector Lee defends himself, “Carter, your ignorance shines like bright sunlight through cloud. Menna was ancient Chinese prophet. Menna translated mean ‘lover of egg-drop soup and dubs with much sour cream.’” “Whatever, man. I’ve been workin’ on ma white belt for three months. Don’t you think that’s one of the first things Master Takeashita would have told me?” Lee drops the subject. The prophet Menna is the least of their worries right now; they’re not visiting East Lansing on their spring break for pleasure, or to prepare their livers for St. Patrick’s Day, or to pay homage to the legendary prophet Tom Izzo. No, they’re here to blow a case wide open; this bust could go down as one of the biggest in East Lansing history. They’ve been summoned to take down the local black market ring for artisan handjobs—an operation that’s been a parasite to the greater East Lansing area for decades. There are not many leads, but one thing is clear: those heathens at The State News definitely have a hand, or two, in the lucrative, meaty, and incredibly messy business. After wrapping up their meal, Lee and Carter cautiously stumble down the now-deserted alley behind Grand River, in search of Carter’s lone contact, Willie the Can Man. An exotic metals expert, local bard, and artisan handjbber connoisseur, Willie is just the man to help Lee and Carter break the case. The sound of cans jingling lets them know that Willie can’t be far. “Psst, hey, ya’ll, it’s me, Will—Goddamn, that’s a big raccoon!” Willie exclaims as he jumps out from a bush, his pants at this ankles. “Sorry, y’all caught me at a bad time. Ever since that editor at The State News stopped allowing me to pay with cans, I’ve been left to my own devises for artisan pleasure. And with the students on spring break, even the can game is slowing down. It is what it is; the game is the game, though.”
At that moment, one of Willie’s cans falls out of his trash bag and clangs to the floor. Their cover is blown. As the interns begin to surround them, preparing to eliminate the two by inducing a pleasure stroke: a method of giving a lifetime of orgasms in a passionate artisan wank that’s intended to cause a blood rush no man could survive. They're surrounded, and the penetrating, grouping hands of the interns are very ferocious.
Enticed but skeptical, Carter continues, “Now, wait a minute, maybe we should conduct a little research before we jump to conclusions.”
Just then, Lee busts through the door and begins fending the interns off and making sure to keep their hands as far away from dicks as possible. One by one, Lee took out intern after intern with his Tiger-style, Liquid Sword-style, and Shaolin Shadowboxing.
Willie squirms with pleasure, “Hell yea we should do some research. Either of y’all have six bucks? Carter, I’ll sneak us in. Lee, you keep look out, or just head to Rice Kitchen, or Heartbeats, or whatever.”
Finally, all that is left is the ringleader himself, The State News editor. He fights and fights to grab them and pleasure them into the sweet caress of death, but he is no match for the trio of Lee, Carter, and Willie.
Once inside, Willie takes lead and clings to the shadows. He knows the place better than the inside of a Busch Light can as he navigates the labyrinth and avoids the interns with incredible precision.
They return to the surface as heroes, although no students are around to recognize them as such. East Lansing’s reign of black market artisan handjobs had finally been ended and this exotic pleasure was, once again, free for anyone to enjoy, as God intended.
“Carter, we deep now. We gots to be careful. Them submissive interns, they the labor—they’re the specialists who have nearly perfect the artisan tug session. Just, you know, act natural.”
The Joy of Hissing at Cats Whether felines or old black jazz musicians, all cats deserve to be hissed at.
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Case closed, America.
what'’s inside
Top Ten: Mistakes to Avoid on Spring Break
Spring Break is truly a time for making stories, stains, and sexy mistakes.
page 5
An Open Letter to Jose Cuervo When you venture to Los Tres Amigos, you might just find love in a random place.
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Meet The Staff
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Advertising ManagerS Andrew Meggert, Daniela Pittiglio Nicole Maks, Danan Thomas, Andrew Rickerman Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rassmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli, Meg Enter Thomas Stewart distribution manager Garrison Rasmusen social media manager Alex Everard
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The Joy of Hissing at Cats tom white wrote this Does your disgust for felines cause you to wake up in the middle of the night with a case of rage sweats, bellowing obscenities? Have you ever gotten so angry at a cat rubbing up against you that you threw up? Then welcome, friend, to “The Joy of Hissing at Cats”—the column the New York Times raved is “definitely written in English.” This week we will delve into the most effective ways to inflict maximum physical and psychological harm onto cats. We’ll begin by clearing up a common misconception, cats aren’t quirky and independent—they’re just ignorant little fur goblins that are astonishingly unaware of their surroundings. Luckily, you can exploit their soul-crushing stupidity, which brings us to our first suggestion: traps. It doesn’t take much to trick a cat. With everyday household items, some know-how, plus a pinch of psychotic resentment you can have Mr. Meow-gies everywhere experiencing PTSD in no time. Of course, there are old standbys like the classic “Put cat food in garbage can, wait for cat to enter garbage can, subsequently roll garbage can down rocky hill” technique. And who can forget the ever-reliable “Point laser gun towards edge of a rocky hill, have cat approach edge of rocky hill, push cat down rocky hill” maneuver. These golden oldies never lose their shine! But these old methods might have PETA and everyone on the Internet breaking down your door. Feel free to try out new things, there’s plenty of rocky hills out there and more than one way to push your cat down them. Really, there’s opportunities abound, so get creative! Those creeps are supposed to have nine lives anyways, so swing for the fences, you crazy kids! Don’t limit yourself to physical abuse, you can do more than Chris Brown cats. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel when you’re terrorizing Garfield, and, if done properly, an old fashioned hiss can instill just as much terror in the cold ugly heart of a cat as any trip down a rocky hill. A personal favorite is to give em’ the Clockwork Orange treatment and associate their favorite things with terror to turn that horrible shallow world of theirs upside down. For this one, hide underneath and blanket and leave a cat treat in front of you. When the greedy slob invariably goes for it, burst out of your hate cocoon, like the vengeful butterfly you are, for a vicious hiss that will leave even the most uppity of cats fearing for their life. For you more experienced cat harassers out there, take things to the next level and wildly flail at the cat with T-Rex arms to really convey that predator feeling. In no time at all, your cat will be experiencing Deer Hunter levels of mental scarring. You can inflict emotional damage outside the home as well! Taking cats to the zoo can be as traumatic for them as it is delightful for you. A great, family-friendly Sunday tradition of ours is to round up stray
The Suitemate Shit Saga
Zoë Kremke wrote this
cats and bring them to the zoo where we force the lil’ fart suckers to watch and listen as we hurl insults and old fruits (not the George Takei kind) at the lions and tigers. The shame the cats will feel watching their feline kings and queens get pelted with moldy kiwis does quite a number on their self-esteem. Take away any pride they have and be sure to really chastise those big ol’ pussies (not the Michigan basketball team kind) because nothing quite says, “eat shit and die” like public humiliation. That’s it for now, but make sure to pick up a copy next week as we look into the do’s and don’ts of waterboarding your cat. *Disclaimer: This article is not meant to actually promote human-on-cat violence, so cool your jets, animal rights groups. Go eat more granola, or whatever it is you people do. As exhilarating and emotionally rewarding as these techniques are, sometimes it takes a little more to fully break a cat’s spirit. For the particularly bold and insolent cat in your life, we recommend giving Mr. or Mrs. Kitty a nice kick to their tender little cat ribs. Me-ouch! The Joy of Hissing at Cats is brought to you by PETA.
1:06 p.m.: It’s early afternoon and you’re just rolling in from classes, and, let’s face it, you’ve had to pee like Seabiscuit for the last two hours. The bathrooms in Bessey Hall aren’t exactly “sterile,” so you played the waiting game through that endless lecture like a champ. Not that you mean to loudly toot your own horn, but you can hold a piss like nobody else. So you’re making a beeline for your freshly-cleaned suite bathroom and that white porcelain Mecca of relief. Your pants are halfway down when you flip the lid open on that poo-sucker and see—Mary, Mother of God, what is that? In the toilet that was supposed to be your afternoon refuge sits a shit the size of a loaf of bread. By the way it was falling apart around the edges, it was blatantly obvious that it had been sitting in the now-tainted water for quite some time. How could the culprit just let it sit there? Good thing you’re a bro and handle yourself with some semblance of grace as you zip up your Marty McFly and head to the lobby to use the equally nice, yet far less convenient bathroom. Your suitemate probably just ran to get a chainsaw, because by the size of it, that’s what it was going to take to conquer that monster. 4:12 p.m.: After getting caught in a marathon of Trailer Park Boys for longer than you’d care to admit, you finally crack down on your homework. Of course, since you’ve already started the procrastination streak, you head down to Sparty’s to pick up your combo. Everyone knows you can’t start studying without your Milk Chug, bagel, and cheese stick. The cheese stick is especially crucial because—ah, shit, it’s not crucial at all, you’re procrastinating. You slam your Milk Chug and hit the books. Not fifteen minutes cruises by when your freakish metabolism kicks in and you need the bathroom… now. So you Christoph Waltz in, having basically
forgotten about this afternoon’s incident. When, wouldn’t you know it, the little present your suitemates left for you to discover is still there. At first, this was a little horrifying, but now it’s downright disturbing. The water is literally flushing around the damn thing like it’s a dead rat in a sewer grate. Confrontation is typically something you shy away from whenever possible, but there’s a shit the size of a three-weekold baby in there—it’s time for action. Sure it’s a little awkward, after all you’re telling them a shit is in the toilet and that it sure as, well, shit ain’t yours. They assure you that they’ll take care of it, and you part ways as friends that have just barely been scraped by the awkward situation at hand. 8:58 p.m.: Dinner with friends just wound down, and you’re heading back with the floating fudge pillow stuck in the back of your mind, like a smelly-ass ghost that won’t leave you alone. At first, you resist the urge to check immediately when you get home, based on the notion that you should have more faith in them than that. But you can’t help it; you have to investigate the sewer serpent that’s been chilling in there all day. You casually open the door, totally pretending that all you’re doing is going to take a shower. It’s not entirely clear whom you’re pretending for, but dammit, you are going to hide your shit sleuthing. Listening closely for any sign of the living past your suitemate’s bathroom door, you stealthily lift the lid only to see that it’s still fucking there. In a silent and incredibly pissed off gesture, you throw your towel on the ground. Immediately realizing that that was not a hygienic decision, you re-hang it and valiantly grab the plunger, breaking up the congealed Mississippi mud that’s been simmering in your toilet all day. A hero to all, but mostly just to yourself, you wash your hands and leave that bathroom the bigger person—also, they’re totally going to clean up your mess next time the shit hits the fan on your end.
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The
Top 10
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Mistakes to Avoid on Spring Break
Twitter asks you, “What’s happening?” and this time, oh boy, do you ever have a sub-140-character response that will surely let your 116 followers know exactly what’s happening. “Plane ticket for Puerto Vallarta: Booked! SB 2013, here we come! Wooo! #SpartyOn.” But it’s not all sex-on-the-beach and sunshine, Jimmy Buffet the Third. Pump the brakes and read the Top 10 Spring Break Mistakes to Avoid. 10.) Listening to the Locals: So you’re looking for a place to eat, but mainly a place to drunkenly-Instagram pictures of your plate, and a knock-off fast food joint just isn’t “in-with-the-scene” enough. Listening to the locals (who, keep in mind, quietly hate all of you with a passion) will assure that you get food poisoning from a place called Crusty’s Crawlers and Crustaceans. Oddly enough, a McChicken is your safest bet. 9.) Calling Your Parents: “I’m having the time of my life; I need to call my Mom!” That was the last thing Jamie ever said to her friends before she got her partial-parental scholarship revoked and had to start giving artisan handjobs to pay tuition.
Diary of Disappointment:
8.) Lack of Sunscreen: We don’t care if you’re Albanian, Italian, or just some other bad guy in Taken—use sunscreen. Alcohol dehydrates skin and amplifies the effects of UV rays. Even though climate change, Al Gore, and science haven’t been talked about since Charlie Sheen was a thing, the sun is still burns pretty bright these days. If you’re pale, you’ll inevitably end up looking like a giant, red vagina. If you’re tan, you’ll inevitably look like a wrinkly, peely, bronzed vagina.
Living in a Shitty House on Albert Avenue meg enter wrote this Sunday February 24th 11:16 a.m. Oh, diary, what a week it’s been. I didn’t imagine it to be possible, but this termite-filled, defunct house that was probably built when my grandparents were born has become an even scarier spectacle ever since my five roommates and I found a homeless living in a crawl space under the back porch. I decided to negotiate with him, considering he was freeloading for roughly two months (just an estimation based on the number of Aviator-esque filled piss bottles next to his artistic rendering of a PACE officer), but, when discovered, he yelled out “back to the soup kitchen, muthafuckas!” and waddled off on all fours with the speed of a feral cat. As if our termite problem wasn’t enough, the yard has more holes than that homeless man’s smile. About a hundred moles have invaded our yard, which has resulted in many a house party casualty. Bitches hate moles, especially when they trip over mole-mounds. Since the forty-three dollars my roommates and I have gathered from our checking accounts doesn’t seem to cover the cost of an exterminator, we’re brainstorming alternatives. Currently, the only thing we’ve come up with is dressing up in mole costumes and running around the yard in an attempt to scare off the moles with the threat of bigger, scary moles. Where’s Bill Murray when you need him? The only salvation I have from this place that’s falling apart and smells like a symphonic mix of old, crusty vomit and body odor is living downwind from the Real Life house. Now, I know what you’re thinking, diary, how could living so close to a place that claims to be “a student-led community passionate about connecting people to Jesus Christ” ever be a good thing? Well, let me tell you, apparently part of furthering the work of Jesus Christ is giving out free hot dogs to inebriated college students on weekend nights. After polishing off a fifth of Jack every Friday and Saturday night, like clockwork, I take the thirty-second stroll to the Real Life house and put down about thirty of their moistest, meatiest wieners. Sure, I have to listen to a spiel about how great Jesus Snowboarding Christ is every time, but those dogs are worth the time and the booze-induced church giggles. After last night’s “Indoor Parkour-fest 2013”, I woke up this morning to puke all over the bathtub as I was hungoverly about to “call Uncle Ralph” on the “big porcelain telephone”. I also found three half-dressed sorostitutes sleeping on my floor, unsure of what occurred with them last night, but I’m sure the version I’ll tell will include some big bouncing titties, Cincinnati bow-ties, and pleasure-induced stains of various fluids. My morning will consist of cleaning up puke dried onto upholstery to prepare for a visit from ol’ Granny. That’s not a euphemism for something weird; my old grandma is actually visiting today to make sure I’m not collapsing in on myself like a dying, alcohol-poisoned star. Anne Frankly, I can’t have Granny walking in on passed out bitches, sticky floors, and a scattering of less-than-sanitary red Solo cups. I’ll be back in no time, my dear, dear diary of disappointment. Broke and Battered, Albert Duder
7.) Raw-Dogging: This one should seriously go without saying, but the only necessary things to spend money on over spring break are alcohol and protection. You don’t want the Facebook pics you post after break to be the last ones you’ll ever have without a cold sore. 6.) Giving Out Your Real Name: Rookie mistake—do you really want some rando with whom you only share a love for middle-shelf rum smoothies and the same collegiate break schedule knowing your personal information? Pretty sure this is how they got Manti. 5.) Cheating: If you’re in a relationship, be responsible. Either honor that commitment or break up with that person immediately after you arrive at Booty Beach. Your hangover from spring break will be bad enough without having to listen to a constant stream of tears, blackmail, and threats. 4.) Forgetting You Are Still America-Poor: You might be upper-middle-class, middle-class, or even featherweight-middle-class. Either way, if you go out of the country, you’re going to see some squalor on the way to your resort, and this might result in you feeling like Baby KimYe and popping bottles of Ciroc all over non-English speaking people’s faces. Even if you don’t leave the States, you’ll still be in the south, which is just as bad. Always remember: you’re a college kid; you ate only ramen for two weeks to afford this trip. 3.) Crappy Souvenirs: The only souvenir you should ever buy is a shot glass. This way, you can always remember exactly why smelling tequila makes you want to vomit. 2.) Trying New Drugs: You should totally do drugs if you want on spring break, just nothing you’ve never dabbled in before. Weed? Sure, if you like “Mexican-brick.” Nose candy? If that’s your bag, by all means. But something called “Space Cadet X”? Yeah, that’s how humans get trafficked. 1.) Break At Least One of the Aforementioned Rules: Come on, it’s spring break, is it not? Warning: Choose wisely -- accidentally eating some bad shellfish is just a smidge better situation than bellowing how rich you are while high on Space Cadet X and pouring a tequila sunrise on your soon-to-be kidnappers.
Alex Everard wrote this
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An Open Love Letter to My New Boyfriend, Jose Cuervo Hannah Borland wrote this Hello, or as they say in your native tongue, hola, my delicious new lover. Ever since the love of my life, my fiancée, heartlessly packed his things up and moved out of our casa de romance while I was at work, I truly believed I would be that bespectacled, chubby girl at the bar with her one, also unattractively frumpy, friend for the rest of my life. Whilst crying my eyes out over deeply moving things, such as a half-empty bottle of Axe 2-in-1 and an expired bag of yogurtcovered raisins (vanilla), I knew that I had serious issues with myself to work out before anyone could ever love me again, or vice-versa. Fortunately, my ex was kind enough to list them all in the text he sent me once he had safely moved back in with his mother. “Needs to be heavily medicated” and “eyebrows more tragically shaped than Pauly D’s” I could live with, but I drew the line at “less fun than trying to pass a kidney stone while simultaneously constipated.” I mean, as long as you weren’t the one doing it, it would be kind of funny, right? Anyway, I asked all of my friends what could possibly make me at least a little more fun than a positive STD test coupled with a wicked hangover. They both instantly said, “tequila.” Alas, it was the inception of our glorious romance, Jose—the moment when I realized my life could simply not go on without you in me. After two days of Moose Tracks ice cream, tears, and feverishly fierce masturbation to Eat Pray Love, Thursday night finally rolled around. It brought with it the promise of a second chance at being the girl who has “for a good time call” scrawled in front of her number in
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a bathroom stall. Los Tres Amigos, a place I had never ventured except for take-out orders of fajitas and stomach infections, suddenly looked extremely inviting, as my friend and I climbed out of the cab in the freezing parking lot. It was 8:30 p.m.: middle-aged women and half-off “apps” were abundant. Jose, I admit I started off slow—just a pitcher of lime margaritas with a side of nachos with guacamole and queso. I didn’t want to take things too fast, papacito, for I think that may have been my previous mistake. Perhaps picking out adjacent grave plots in romantic locations is a little too mature for a couple of twenty-twoyear-olds. Two pitchers deep, Jose, and I’ll admit I was thinking about my ex a little bit. Okay, maybe I wasn’t just thinking about him, but also texting him what I can only assume were perfectly spelled and punctuated messages about how the kids we talked about having would never exist and how he would never be able to convince another girl to kind of, maybe, think about having a three-way. I’m sorry, my dear Jose, but at least I drew the line after leaving my seventh voicemails. Never again, I promise. The air was warm, the salsa spicy, and the music loud when we started our third pitcher of lime margaritas. The air was cold, the salsa burned on its way back up, and my head throbbed when that pitcher ended up on my DTN-issued bathroom floor the next morning. Yes, querido, I had what I could only assume was earlyonset morning sickness: the result of the beautiful child we have on the way.
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Our love story began with “the one” leaving me for a life of chicken potpies, early bedtimes, and ugly women with minivans. But it ends with the true love I feel for you every time I lick salt off your rim and get a sour taste in my mouth. And you know what they say about true love: it lasts a nighttime. Yours always, Psychotically Clingy but Keeping the Ring
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My dear Jose, as I know you’re reading this, our one wild, bonita night of passion had culminated, for me, into true love. Never again would I spend a Friday night without you, or dance the salsa without you as my partner. Never again would I be the boring butterface in jeans and a tank top as long as my hands can grasp you tightly. You may not be warm, but you certainly keep me warm at night.
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WED, 2/27 THURS, 2/28 FRI, 3/1 SAT, 3/2
DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks $2 Well Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles 6 7 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks 1/2 Off8 Night $3 Bud Lt Platinum DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Juan Trevino DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car $3Bombs White Gummy Bear Shots Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 DJ BIG MIKE $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks The Ice Boxers 3P.M. - 8P.M. BURGER BASH DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.00 – Bombs $1 Burgers $1 Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Dublin Brew Crew from 7-9 Thursday 9pm-Close (excludes top shelf liqours) Coors Light, 23 $2.50 – Pints 20 21 $2 Wells, $222 8P.M. - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 – Call Drinks Miller Lite, Labatt and PBR Drafts $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands $3 Rumple DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints$2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $3 All Drafts $3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks Daniels DJ Minze (Back Bar) Miller DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 Jack Lite, Labatt DJ Beats Blue Light Sunday All Day SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3.50 Well Liquor $3.00 –Bloody$3 Mary & Mimosas $3.00 – Pints DJ Big Mike DJ Donnie D $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots $3.50 Pints of Pub Dublin Square Irish $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs $3 Domestic Bottles Coors Lt, Miller 327 Abbott Rd Lite, $3.50 Flavored Vodka East Labatt LansingBlue MI 48823 Light 9pm – Close Every Day
$3 SoCo Limes and Kamikazes Captain Morgan
½ Off – Potato Skins $3.50 Hush Puppies & Onion Rings
$3.50 Well Liquor
For More Information Contact Us: DJ Beats (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 Bloody Marys 839863 for specials & updates.
SUN, 3/3
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
Happy Sunday!
$3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9P.M. - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
MON, 3/4
$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
TUES, 3/5
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
WED, 3/6
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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FRI: Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Specials Run 7 Days A Week Open-Close! Go Green!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 2/27
Ladies Night 4-9: Unlimited Grilled Cheese, Pickle and Tomato Soup, $4 Pitchers, 1/2 Shark Bowls Ladies Night 9-cl: $4 Long Islands, $4 Mojitos, $6 Martinis, $6 Bloody Marys
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 2/28
Goombas Pizza Fest! 6 - 9pm: $0.75 Slices of Pizza, $3.50 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands 9 - close: $1.25 Pizza Slices, $5 PBR Pitchers, $3 Long Islands
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 3/1
Martini Night 6-cl! Free Taco Bar $3 Bud Lt & Labatt, NEW $6 Martinis & NEW $6 Bloody Marys $6 Breakfast Buffet 1am-close
Come try our Green Meanie!
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
SAT, 3/2
Book your Barcrawl @ 248.860.7362
$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 3/3
Closed Birthday Group Discounts @ 248.860.7362
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 3/4
NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 3/5
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 3/6
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
21+, NEW HOURS NEW SPECIALS POOL, 9HD TV'S & DARTS GOOMBAS PIZZZA EVERY FRIDAY
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The Bar Grid
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
The black sheep pitches: bear room Cody Manthei wrote this Okay huddle up, network executives; or, take a knee or some shit. Actually, arrange yourself however you like, but listen up—we here at The Black Sheep are pissed and you should be too. But you’re not; you’re just sitting there on Twitter dot com while you pack your fat network faces with drinkable yogurt and paint your fancy network toenails with sex lube when there’s a travesty happening right in front of you. What’s happened to TV? Yeah, you heard us, your television. Out of all the terrible things happening on this planet the one most pressing to us is a serious lack of quality programming from you big wigs over at the cable companies. Now, we know what you’re thinking, that there’s genocide, mass murders, and a serious drug problem within our youth (namely their lack of supply); those have to be worse, right? Wrong. Point is, there’s a problem and we’ve come to fix it. we’ve been cooking up some show ideas that we know would change television for the better. The following are pitch ideas for shows we think America would like to tune in for: #1: This show is called Bear Room. The premise is simple. It’s a game show where we start by putting a bunch of people in a room. Now, it has to be a fairly large room to accommodate for all the running the contestants are about to do, maybe we could rent a gym at a poor elementary school. Then, after we lock the door, we let in a ferocious grizzly that we’ve starved for a week. The winner is the person who isn’t eaten by the end. But, while all of this is happening, there’s an intense gambling process between contestants outside the room, looking through two-way glass. Louie Anderson, of course, will host this show because, frankly, he’s also a hungry bear. #2: Okay this is basically How I Met Your Mother, but the twist is, all the characters are talking cats. The working title I have is How I Met Your Mother But With Talking Cats. Now, this is brilliant, because up until now there has never been a show with a cast composed entirely of cats. Remember Sabrina the Teenage Witch? That garbage had one sassy, chatty pussy, and people ate it up. Plus, Robin? That’s a cat with a bird’s name! On a cat! Oh, the hijinks.
#3: The next one is a reality show about new-age moonshiners, but instead of making grain liquor in the woods, they’re integrating Adderall into fortified wine. Then, they proceed to sell it to middleschoolers in the parking lot behind Olive Garden. It’ll be called Rx Wine Men. It will also follow the law men who try to catch this crooks, although it will be revealed at the end of the first season that all the clips of law enforcement officials were just clips of Clint Eastwood from The Enforcer. Sorry, spoiler alert! #4: Following that will be a show I like to call Are You Smarter Than a Filth Grader. It’s a show where people compete to tell the filthiest, anti-Semitic, insensitive jokes. Also, about halfway through the sixty-eight minute show, you may start to lose interest. But wait, is that David Blaine in the back of the stage? Is he doing street magic stuffs? Oh yes, he definitely is, my friend. Consider your interest piqued. Each week the person who tells the most offensive joke will get one high-five and a pat on the butt from David Blaine. Who’s hosting you ask? None other than a CGI talking couch voiced by the insatiable Gilbert Gottfried. There you have it, the next generation of American television. Just think about how awesome it would be to flip to TBS and catch up with the latest episode of Bear Room instead of just the typical marathon of Tyler Perry marathons.
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page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the week Blake harper's Age: 23
What’s the weirdest thing in your backpack? Uhhh, a calculator.
Major: French Nickname: Sprinkles Relationship status: Single
Craziest place you’ve hooked up? Trampoline
Best TV show bar: Bar Escape
Describe Harpers with a hashtag: #excited
Describe your typical customer: Drunk
Best pick up line: “Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Favorite shot: Rumplemintz
Rockstar you want to party with: The Rolling Stones
Bar pet peeve: Under-aged girls Dance club or dive bar? Dance club
Dream bar to work at: Harper’s
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
It’s that time again to take another classic game from your childhood and rework it into a beautiful piece of art. It’s time for Battleshots. Liam Neeson and Rihanna not included.
Sluts are easy and loved by all, except when they are screwing your significant other. These brownies won’t just bring joyous orgasms to every taste bud in your mouth, they’re also easy to make!
Battleshots
What You’ll Need: 2 pizza boxes, 34 shot glasses, and various alcohol. Number of Players: Just two. Level of Intoxication: If your opponent knows the game, prepare to pass out. How to Play: - On each pizza box, draw two 10x10 grids on the inside top and bottom. Label the horizontal side A through J and the vertical side 1 through 10. - Fill all 34 shot glasses with different liquids (get those cheap plastic ones from Walgreens). They could be vodka, beer, rum, water, milk, juice, whatever you have on hand. Obviously fill more of them with alcohol than anything else. - Sit across from your opponent and open up your box. One by one, opponents select shot glasses to use on their board until both players have 17. - Each player arranges them like the ships in Battleship (one 5-shot glass aircraft carrier, one 4-shot glass battleship, one 3-shot glass submarine, one 3-shot glass destroyer, and one 2-shot glass patrol boat). - Players take turns asking if their opponent has a ship at a spot on the grid. For example, “Do you have a ship on E3?” If the player does, they must take the shot that is on that space. If not, the asking player marks on their empty 10x10 grid that they have already guessed that space and must take a sip of a side drink. - Players alternate turns. - If a player guesses a lot correctly, he does not get another turn. The Game Ends When: One player has sunk all of the other player’s ships. This game is best played when wearing cut-off t-shirts and sweatbands. Crank up some Metallica, too.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Slutty Brownies
What You’ll Need: 1 package of cookie mix, 1 box of brownie mix, the ingredients those mixes require, 1 package of Double Stuf Oreos, a baking pan, and any additional add-ins you want (like chocolate chips, sprinkles, etc.). Cook Time: Just under an hour. Fatty Factor: You’ll be a big ol’ grenade when you’re done with these sweets. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. - Make the cookie dough mix in a large bowl by following the directions on the back. Make them extra gooey by adding a teaspoon or two of vegetable oil. - Spread the prepared cookie mix evenly across the bottom of your pan. - Line up the Oreos in rows over the cookie dough, covering it completely. Don’t use the cracked Oreos; just eat those gems while baking. - In another large bowl make the brownie mix by following its directions. - Pour the brownie mix evenly over the Oreos. - Bake in the oven for 35-40 minutes, and when it’s finished let it cool. - If you have any, sprinkle your extra ingredients across the top of the brownies. - Slice ‘em up and stuff your face! Sluts are like doorknobs, everyone gets a turn! So make sure you share your brownies, fatty.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
Guess this Dress! oscar edition
Who were they? That doesn’t matter. What matters is who they wore. From Gucci to Oscar de la Renta, the glamour shone squarely on these lavish gowns. We’re asking you who wore what. The dresses are pictured below, and the answers are at the bottom of the page. Fab-u-lous.
a
B
c
D
E
F
g
H
Salma Hayek Jennifer Lawrence
Olivia Munn Charlize Theron
Kerry Washington Naomi Watts
answer key
A) Halle Berry B) Kerry Washington C) Charlize Theron D) Adele E) Naomi Watts F) Salma Hayek G) Jennifer Lawrence H) Olivia Munn
celebrity bank
Adele Halle Berry
Over a billion people watched the 85th annual Academy Awards, an audience slightly larger than the reach of The Black Sheep. While Ben Affleck will be sleeping off his champagne hangover for the next month, we know the real winners of the evening were the ladies who dressed to impress.
we interview:
Big Gigantic
Dominic Lalli, saxophone extraordinaire of the acclaimed electronic jam band Big Gigantic (otherwise known simply as Big G) has been playing music his whole life, but when his project with drummer Jeremy Salkin started blowing up in the past two years, all he could really say is, "Wow." Other adjectives mentioned: crazy, overwhelming, fucking crazy, wow (again), funny, wild, and crazy (again). Be sure to check these guys out on tour all summer long, at a venue near you. The Black Sheep: How did you get started with the saxophone? With Big Gigantic? Dominc Lalli: I started playing saxophone in school, in band and all that, and then I ended up going to college and getting my master's degree in, pretty much, jazz performance, classical and jazz. I moved to New York and then Colorado, and started getting into DJs and electronic music. I started getting into producing and writing music, and just sitting in with electronic bands, I just naturally wanted to mix in the saxophone. TBS: So when you were listening to this electronic music, what made you think, "I want to put a saxophone with that?" DL: I had been playing music for so long, and the saxophone is kind of just my voice. It's just what I've always done. So I was producing music and then I wanted to start playing melodies, and then I wanted to do some solo stuff and then improvise over it all. TBS: Big Gigantic's sound is clearly a mesh of many different kinds of music. Who are some of your influences? DL: In the jazz world there's a lot of saxophone players, and I've been influenced by their sound and their song writing. You know, John Coltrane, Wayne Shorter, Miles Davis, Herbie Hancock is a huge influence. I've also been influenced by a lot of hip-hop and R&B, Kanye West and Jay-Z, and I grew up listening to a lot of Run DMC and Beastie Boys. And all the way through Radiohead and more rock and electronic type of stuff. Then, of course, everyone in the electronic world; Derek from Pretty Lights, my buddy Alex from Paper Diamond, Griz, Skrillex, all of those heavyweights. I'm learning from all of those people, and I'm stirring it all up. TBS: Who would be a dream to work with? DL: Herbie Hancock, he's just an amazing piano player. In the 70s he did really funky, spaced-out music with awesome melodies and really cool solo stuff. We're really into the music he writes, in that funky, electronic vein. If you heard some of his stuff, you could definitely hear his influence. TBS: You guys play a lot of festivals. Could you put a finger on some of the craziest? DL: Electronic Forest is definitely one of my favorites, the fans are pretty wild. Ultra last year was pretty wild, too. But seriously, Electric Forest is, like, how I came up throughout this whole thing. A few years ago, when it first started in 2008, when it was called Rothbury, I was playing saxophone for the guitarist of the String Cheese Incident's side project. I was in such awe, it was one of my first times at a festival and I was like, "Wow, I can't believe I'm really here." I ended up sitting in with all these different kinds of bands; it was really epic. The next year was when Big G just kind of got started, and we played Rothbury for free and I did a DJ set in the forest when it was just some boards set up and it was barely an official stage. I had never DJ'd before and I was so nervous and it was so funny. Then we ended up coming back, and last year we closed Saturday night and it was just great. TBS: How surreal was it, when four years ago you're playing on some janky stage to closing Saturday night on the main stage? DL: It's fucking crazy. It's just crazy! This last year, just every festival we played at, from Wakarusa to Bonnaroo, where we gave out thousands of these blow-up saxophones right before we went out, and just seeing all the fans, like, fist-pumping with these saxophones, it's just crazy shit. I've been playing music for so long and in so many different capacities, it's overwhelming in the best way possible. Just going out there and being like, "Wow." It's been a pretty wild ride. TBS: So how do you stay sane when you're touring and playing show after show? DL: I try to stay pretty focused, and keep in mind what's really real, you know, just what I'm working for. I just try to have fun and play music and stay in the moment and enjoy it, just kind of cruise through. TBS: Michelle Obama -- bangs or no bangs? DL: She seems a little emo with the bangs. It's cute though. TBS: Describe your perfect breakfast. DL: I love breakfast. You know, probably an omelette, cheddar cheese, definitely bacon, maybe some avocado. Some toast, coffee, and a large orange juice. TBS: Drink of choice? DL: Maker's Mark and ginger beer. Or ginger beer with tequila.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
21 and Over In Theaters Friday, March 1
Smarty-pants and straitlaced Jeff Chang (Justin Chon) turns 21 the day before a crucial med-school interview. Jeff ends up getting mad drunk with his best friends because, duh, that's just what you do when you turn 21, and a night of "just one quick beer" turns into nakedness, screaming, and all around debauchery. Oops! From the writers of The Hangover, this movie should be at least amusing, if not relatable.
How to Destroy Angels - An Omen Released Tuesday, March 5
In 2009 Trent Rezor decided that Nine Inch Nails should "disappear for a while." Well, like any good addict who thinks they've given up the Perfect Drug, he's found something else in How to Destroy Angels. Fronted by his hot Asian wife, Mariqueen Maandig, similar NIN sounds remain, only, you know, with a hot lead singer. Again, it's NIN sounds with hot Asians involved. We love it long time.
Archer Thursday, March 7 at 10 p.m. EST on FX
In the newest episode of FX's brilliantly subversive dhow, Archer heads to the Mexican border to take care of a notorious coyote. No, he doesn't want the animal exterminated like a cyborg or crocodile, he needs to take care of a bossy immigrant smuggler. But wait, why not keep a few for housekeeping duties? Maybe if there wasn't an ant problem in the office, Mallory would let them use the break area again.
the madlib:
2/
4
3/
25
prepping for a pop show Yes, it’s finally here! I bought my ticket months ago, it only took ___1___ shifts at ___2___and a ___3___ or two to get the money for the tickets, but its going to be sooo awesome. Sure, I may be a ___4___ in college, but I’m the biggest ___5___ fan ever. None of my friends wanted to go, so luckily I can meet up with some fellow fans I met on ___6___. Who cares if they’re ___7___ or getting driven by their mom, who thinks it’s creepy I’m hanging out with them? Whatever, we are total ___8___-fanatics and that’s all that matters! I’ve got my outfit all ready, too. First, ___9___ crop top with ___10___-print fringes that I handmade, totally inspired by ___11___, she’s so perfect! Let’s not forget my ___12___ skinnys with my ___13___ pumps! Oh yeah, and my ___14___ nail decals, yum! My dad said I look like a ___15___ but I told him that I don’t even love him. And what’s a concert without a little ___16___ vodka and Four Loko? I’m fittin’ to get mad hype! I’m going to try to bring some in for my new friends, but I’m having Skype session with my boyfriend from ___17___ before I go, and I might need all the liquid courage I can get to actually talk to him this time! His English isn’t the best, and he sends me ___18___ pics and dead___19___ pics, but that’s a cultural difference, right? Plus I want him to finally hear me sing ___20___ ballads, because I think I could be the next ___21___ and make thousands of dollars. Okay, ___22___-flavored lip gloss? Check! ___23___- perfume? Check! Extra pair of ___24___, in case I meet the band? Check! Well, here goes nothing, hopefully I don’t faint from all this liquor and caffeine!
1) Big Number 2) Shitty Job 3) Sexual Favor 4) Class/Year 5) Current Boy Band 6) Social Media Site 7) Elementary-School Age 8) Person From #5 9) Neon Color 10) Animal 11) Drunk Pop Star 12) Fabric
13) Has-Been Pop Star 14) Dessert 15) Famous Drag Queen 16) Flavor 17) Foreign Country 18) Body Part 19) Animal 20) 90s Pop Star 21) D-list Pop Star 22) Soda 23) Processed Food 24) Type of Underwear
MY Number
foals
Cat Fantastic
ttng
IS your love big Enough? lianne la havas
Youth wasted
the bronx
Dying Breed
slam dunk
While I’m Alive
strfkr
They Told me
sallie ford & the sound outs
Tears over Beers
modern baseball
Shake it off
the spinto band
Mason Jar
k. flay
the wordsearch: crayola colors Antique Brass Aquamarine Beaver Bittersweet Burnt Sienna Electric Lime Forest Green Hot Magenta Jazzberry Jam Lemon Yellow Macaroni and Cheese
Mauvelous Olive Green Periwinkle Pink Sherbert Razzmatazz Robin’s Egg Blue Sea Green Shamrock Sunglow Tickle Me Pink Wisteria
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