The Black Sheep
FR la EE. ce .. l d ike to t ot ha sie t p ro eyo ll te po p.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 9 10/24/12 -10/31/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
Ghost Hunters: MSU Edition Hannah Borland wrote this
October 24, 2012 - Three experts of paranormal phenomena entered Mason Hall to conduct an investigation. Only one of them made it out. Below: the story MSU doesn’t want you to read. Note: all information and dialogue in this report was lifted from the investigators’ shaky night cam recordings of the event. “-got it checked out the other day. It’s chlamydi- are we turning cameras on?” A blonde female Ghost Hunter wearing a large hoodie stops, gesturing to her genitals. “We are,” answers the poorly disguised voice of Magic Johnson, “Ghost Hunter’s Log: October 24, 2012, seven days before Halloween. Outside of Mason Hall at my- I mean- basketball legend Magic Johnson’s alma mater. Reports of disembodied laughter and a mysterious pounding noise, as if someone were trying to escape from a locked room. One death in the building’s history: in the 1970’s a man was trapped in a walk-in freezer. Found four days later when residents retrieved some Burnett’s they had stashed there.” “They had Burnett’s back then?” chimes the third investigator, a male who is suspicious of Johnson’s historical accuracy. He bends as if to tie his shoes, but then seems to think better of it. “Man, of course they had Burnett’s back then! Can we get on with it?” Johnson’s camera focuses on the front door of Mason Hall, which still looks inviting despite the grisly death. One can see the grandeur of the architecture, designed with the assumption that no one there would die next to a bottle of cheap vodka. Johnson begins the walk toward the steps, and by his deep breathing and slight shaking it’s clear that he’s scared witless. Or that he’s an aging ex-athlete with a chronic disease. Nevertheless, the group presses on in to Mason Hall. “What the- all of the lights are on!” Several students look up from their various pursuits at Mr. Johnson’s exclamation. This was unforeseen. Discouraged, the group heads to the walk-in freezer to take electromagnetic readings.
that very few people regularly use. Terrifying.”
on!” She waves Johnson inside, who still stands unmoving.
As the team takes several readings with the meter, they begin to believe that there truly is a haunting in Mason Hall. Then, disembodied laughter rings out from… somewhere. And the power goes out.
“Ugh, fine. I’ll show you there’s nothing to be afraid of.” The male grabs Johnson’s arm and attempts to drag him into the freezer, but is impeded when he trips over his loose shoelaces. In the most impressive move since his retirement began, Johnson slams the door shut on the investigators that he now knows were planning to trap him.
“What the hell was that?!” The female investigator looks disturbed as she swings her camera in the direction of the cackling.
“Hmm,” says the male as he films the door of the operating freezer, “does it feel slightly cooler in this area to you guys, too? I think I might feel something.”
The unidentified male peers through the freezer door, looking for a specter. He then says to Johnson, “Why don’t you go in, check it out? We’ll be, uh, right behind you.”
“Yes,” replies Johnson, “there is definitely activity in this area by the, uh, Pepsi machine.” Johnson then begins to scan the area with an electromagnetic meter for any disturbances. “It is a fact that ghosts like to scare people by causing slight changes in electricity. And magnetism. Detectable only with an instrument
Johnson, now suspicious, shakes his head and passionately intones, “Fuck no.”
An East Lansing Monster Mash
With DJ Frankenstein spinning sick beats all night long!
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“Fine, I’ll go first!” The blonde opens the mysteriously unlocked door and steps inside, “There’s nothing to be afraid of! Come
what’s inside
The Black Sheep Goes Goonies
Our staff goes on the hunt for some buried treasure.
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“Dammit! Let us out, Magic!” the blonde rips off her wig to reveal an irate Tom Brady, while Denard Robinson kicks himself, literally, for not tying his shoelaces. “I can smell a tricky Wolverine from a mile away! Happy Halloween, fuckers!” Footage: Johnson high-fives students outside while evil icicles Brady and Robinson wonder why they ever thought they could trick a Spartan legend.
Halloween Costume Guide: The Skank-o-Meter
how skanky is your costume this year?
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page three ! k e e W e h t f o c i P word of the week Internpreter:
Colloquial term for a career center worker trained in parsing the vague language found in internship job postings. “The internpreter I went to told me that ‘for class credit’ is just a nice way of saying an internship is unpaid.”
Meet The Staff campus managers Ziev Beresh & Justin Gawel
photographer Bailey Paskiewicz
Advertising ManagerS Victoria Bujny, Andrew Meggert Zach Martin, Michael Zalewsky
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Alex Everard, Cody Manthei Phillip Keller, Hannah Borland Zoe Kremke, Garrison Rasmusen Andrew Rickerman, Zach Wyrzykowski, Jess Martinelli distribution manager Cara Stevens
owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers, Evan Stone Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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An East Lansing Monster Mash Phil Keller wrote this Some may say that there’s no place for ghost stories in college, what with all of this focus on logic and reason. And with plenty of scary stories involving cops, empty bags of weed, or journeys to Planned Parenthood, there’s already a lot to fear. But in the spirit of Satan Season, suspend your disbelief and listen to this tale of one kid’s encounter with a real life graveyard smash. Twenty-six fortnights, this Halloween, our protagonist sauntered down M.A.C. The light from the delicious yet grammatically incorrect restaurant, What Up Dawg? illuminated his timely zombie Steve Jobs costume, topped off with a few hits of acid to pay homage to Jobs' wilder years. Before long, the costumed crowds who passed Steve by began to blur together. A parade of slutty cats and bunnies with the (occasionally) topical slutty Occupy Wall Street protester, slutty zombie Muammar Gaddafi, and slutty pre-dead Casey Anthony merged into one, along many-a-thonged monsters. Our hero lost his bearings in the sea of cleavage and fishnet stockings, and found himself utterly lost. It was then that he spotted a peculiar looking house with a familiar siren song emanating that seemed to beckon him in. The night couldn’t get any worse, or any more pants-less, so he decided to give it a shot. The inside of the house was deserted and decked out in the late Victorian Munsters style, with candles, cobwebs, and skulls all about. “They must have spent a fortune at Hobby Lobby,” Steve thought, following the music to the basement. Down under, the party was in full swing and the costumes were more realistic than the decorations. A group of mummies were posted up in the corner, rolling joint after joint of “pharaoh crop” with their extra bandages, while a coven of witches passed around a horizontal mirror and took bumps of dried vampire blood up their long, crooked noses. Awkwardly, the Headless Horseman staggered throughout the party unsuccessfully asking women to suck his pumpkin stem. DJ Wolfman spun his beats in the corner while Frankenstein, a.k.a. Franken-Rhyme, spit some monotone lyrics to a dance floor packed with zombies flawlessly dancing "The Bernie.” It wasn't until Steve saw body parts landing on the dance floor that he realized he had been partying with actual monsters. Terrified, he screamed, “Ahh!, Real monsters!” before pushing
Monologue of a Trick-or-Treater
Jess Martinelli wrote this
through the dance floor and sprinting for the door. He ran out of the house with his pasty, hairy thighs flapping in the cool breeze. The next morning he awoke in a graveyard with a broad array of penises drawn on his face and a bag of Halloween candy with a note inside. The note read, “Thanks for coming to my mash. See you all again next year! As always, B.Y.O.B. (blood) Bwahaha!” – Dracula. Our Steve Jobs, now just another half-costumed walk-of-shamer on November 1st, attempted to retrace his steps, but was unsuccessful. To this day, he swears the house exists. So remember kids, if a stranger comes up to you with dilated pupils giggling and going on about the terrifying Monster Mash he or she apparently came from, just recognize that they are on acid and will try to steal all of your candy.
Okay, it’s my first Halloween in a new city. East Lansing, prepare to be trick-or-treated like never before. I’m going to eat so much candy my parents will probably never want to have anymore children, because I’ll be so sweet! Pirate hat, boots, sword, and empty pillowcase. Looks like I’ve got everything I need to rake in a serious candy haul tonight. “Bye, Mom, I’ll be safe!” Hmm, where to begin? It sounds loud over there. Spartan Street. I’ll start here. Yikes, that first house didn’t count. The lady who opened the door wouldn’t stop laughing when I asked for candy. Instead, she told three more of her friends to “Put down the beer bong and come look at the cute little pirate kid,” before dropping a package of Easy Mac in my bag. I’m pretty sure they must have a pet skunk in there too, because it smelled like that guy my older brother meets behind the gas station who is always talking about “skunk.” Whatever, this next house looks hopeful with all those people on the front lawn. The door’s open, I’ll bet there’s candy in there. Awesome, someone left a bunch of tiny Jell-O cups on this table! Obviously I need to eat at least ten to get my blood sugar back up to a dangerous level. The last three tasted normal, but the first seven tasted like my Aunt Carol smells like after she drinks a bunch of grown-up juice at our Christmas party every year. Whoa, she’s dressed like the ladies on the channel Mom won’t let me watch. Why is Mario kissing Wonder Woman; I wonder what video game that’s from. Where is Princess Peach? Oh, nevermind, she’s lying motionless on the couch. Good thing that kind lumberjack is trying to resuscitate her. Boy, that’s nice of him. However, there’s no real candy at
this house! Doesn’t anyone here understand what Halloween is really about? If there’s no candy here I’m going to the next house. Hold on, is that Ash from Pokémon on the porch? This is my chance to finally meet my hero! Unfortunately he didn’t want to talk about Pokemon at all; he just kind of grumbled that all girls are “b-words” and that “you don’t want to catch something from these b-words.” I don’t totally understand the advice he gave, but I’ll take it. He is a PokéMaster after all. Okay, time to leave. Fortunately, I found this jar of green gummy bears to hold me over. “MJ’s special treats,” hmmm, I wonder what makes them so special? I bet these are like Michael Jordan’s Secret Stuff in Space Jam! Let’s pray to the god of sugar that this next house is a regular, candy-distributing establishment. The next place is quieter and there are only a few people on the porch. Whoa, what the crap, that nurse just barfed! She probably mixed chocolate and gummies. You know what they say: chocolate before gummies, yummy in my tummy; gummies before chocolate, you’re bound to hawk it. That is so nasty, it’s pouring down the lawn like at school when Robbie ate all those crayons before show and tell! I’m throwing in the pillowcase. An hour out here and all I have is this Easy Mac! I hate Halloween in East Lansing. Hold on. I hear them singing “like a lollipop” coming from that house. Neat-o, finally one with candy. The door’s open so I’ll just walk in and—wait, oh no, what is that? What is she doing? Does that Batman have a snakebite on his dingding that that bunny rabbit girl is helping him with? Help! Mom!
The Top 10
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
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ways to scare your friends 10.) Steal Their Car: You know where they keep their keys, so just wait for the target to fall asleep or go to class, move their car to a different location and replace the empty parking spot with broken glass. The empty fifth you just inhaled will work. Once the bomb is dropped they’ll realize their car is gone and you can play along until you explode with laughter, but before you get arrested. 9.) Fake Your Own Death: Assuming that your friends actually give two shits about you, this prank will take them on a Rollercoaster Tycoon ride of emotions. For legal reasons I will not explain this in depth, but a lot of (fake?) blood and Gillette Mach 5 razors will do the trick. 8.) Stage a Break-In: Let’s be honest, the state of your dorm, apartment, cardboard box, or whatever you call a home is usually dirtier than a third-world toilet. So this won’t be too difficult. Hide the expensive stuff: TVs, laptops, iPods, and, of course, any “Lean, Mean, Fat-Grilling Machine,” so your friend really soils his pantaloons.
The Black Sheep Goes Goonies Zachary Wyrzykowski wrote this Recently, The Black Sheep decided that writing newspapers was for suckers and embarked instead on a hunt for the buried treasure of first MSU President “Neck-Beard” Joe Williams. We first learned of this fabled treasure after a visit to a mystically boring building known as the MSU Museum. The curator, flabbergasted by the fact that anyone would actually come to the museum in the first place, directed us to a beat-up treasure map that had been on display for the better part of the century. However, we had to face two trials to obtain said map, for not only did the curator have the social skills of a wolverine, he was also as mischievous as a badger. The first was a rock-paper-scissors game won by Zoë. Her unique sobriety meant she was gifted with ninja-like reflexes. The second trial was what we thought was a riddle but later turned out to be a knock-knock joke about poop. The curator frowned and disappeared in a puff of dust. Map in hand, we donned our pirate hats and with a hearty swig of grog, set off in the direction of the library. The first clue said something about bridging knowledge, so we took a peek under a bridge over the writhing mass of the Red Cedar. After chasing off a few stoners, we were able to find the next clue: a small Spartan statuette. At this point I figured that this quest was bullshit because the “statuette” was actually a discarded Miguel Cabrera bobblehead, but I figured that this was better than studying for midterms, so I kept my mouth shut. Arriving at the actual Spartan statue, we were suddenly face to face with a group sporting pirate caps like our own, but lacking any rum in their blood: the State News staff. Each one looked like Agent Smith from The Matrix, their suits and sport coats dazzling. They turned and told us with one collective, highpitched voice that they too sought the treasure of Neckbeard. They then initiated a round of verbal AP-style swashbuckling, and we responded by drinking them under the table in true pirate-fashion. With our adversaries inebriated beyond any measure of safety, legality, or decency, we stumbled on. At this point, someone
7.) False Pregnancy or STD: Ladies, this is your chance to get back at your man. A text is worth a thousand screams if “I’m pregnant” slides its way in there. As cruel as this may seem, it might bring you both closer together—or completely destroy the relationship. 6.) The Pop-Out: Just like your signature sexual maneuver, pop out from behind a wall, bookshelf, or shower curtain with a bloodcurdling yelp and dodge the punch to your face that comes after.
asked why we were marching around solving clues if we had the map. This delayed insight didn’t surprise anyone, since The Black Sheep’s writers think incalculably better with a few pints of the pure in them. After scrutinizing the map for a few minutes, we deduced that the dotted line led to somewhere in the vicinity of Menna’s.
5.) Fake Stalker: Put those seventh-grade stalking skills to work and follow your friend whenever they’re out. Leave fake voicemails and disturbing messages for them and then, right when they’re about to call the police, cut the power, bust into their room, and enjoy watching poo drop out of their pant legs.
After a failed attempt at kicking down the door, we bold sailors stormed the restaurant. Justin got to work interrogating the manager with a series of incoherent grunts mixed with what sounded like pirate jargon. The manager, scurvy dog as he was, finally broke and informed us that the restaurant used to be a pirate tavern built by Neckbeard himself. It was once a place of mirth, where hearty seamen came for wenches and drowned their sorrows in grog. He then directed us to the mirthy basement.
4.) Straight-Up Murder: Have friends over for Monopoly, Pictionary, or strip Yahtzee, Let an hour or two pass, enabling a comfortable environment to gloss over your guests. Subtly flash a predetermined signal to your roommate and go. Take a run at said roommate, like every D-list horror film killer and tackle them as to hide the knife hitting the chest. Quickly turn to see the looks on your guest’s faces. Take a mental picture, and Bowfinger tag it “Gotcha suckas!”
Stumbling down a cobwebbed stairway, we opened a door to what turned out to be the head, or piss-room if you’re on a schooner. There we mistakenly interrupted a young lad getting his timbers shivered by a local wench. After mumbled apologies, we continued down the stairs and were met with an ancient door, barred by an old-fashioned skeleton-key lock. I remembered the map saying something about finding a key, but Alex quickly solved the problem by chortling “SLOTTTHHHH” then passing out on the door, causing the rotted woodwork to splinter and the rusted hinges to snap. The adjoining room was mostly empty, save for the stale air and a small oaken chest. After a few solid whacks and a healthy amount of sailor-talk, the chest popped open to reveal a small, white scrap of paper: “It is not the destination, but the journey that is the true treasure.” Fuck that. Ziev cried, “This was our time. Our time! After this, I don’t have a home. There had to be riches here, this was our time.” It was a long walk home. Not only because this failure hurt more than stapling your tongue to a wall, but because we were also carrying the cash register we had swiped on the way out of Menna’s. We’d worked hard, and we’d be damned if we were coming home empty-handed.
3) Stage a Kidnapping: Engage the target in your most stimulating story about the genital warts you found on a guinea pig one time at school. Out of nowhere, a Sandusky-esque van with your accomplices in it tears into the intersection and comes to a screeching halt as a masked individual jumps out and Liam Neeson Taken(s) you away. Now sit back and enjoy a very real show, much unlike your last climax. 2.) Expulsion Letter: Now’s your chance to abuse the crap out of your friend’s trust and write a counterfeit expulsion letter using items your friend told you in confidence. The smallest details are of the utmost importance in ushering your friend into insanity. 1.) Surprise Wakeup Call: Buy an air horn or megaphone, sneak into their room at different intervals during sleepytime, and drop the noise bomb like it’s New Year’s Eve at Andy Dick’s house. If the target doesn’t immediately jump out of bed and kick you in the head, you’re not doing it right.
Jess Martinelli wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What are your Hallow’s Eve traditions? "Unless you consider partying a tradition, I don’t really have any." - Chris N., Freshman
"Taking candy from strangers." - Angie G., Freshman
"Carving pumpkins…with my family."- Melissa C., Sophomore
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
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Devil’s Night in east lansing Alex Everard wrote this It’s Halloweekend and you're smashing pumpkins-drunk (the hooligan pastime, not the shitty band). Nothing’s on your mind but completing your checklist of finding and making out with the slutty version of every profession in America (slutty nurse: check; slutty lawyer: check; slutty secretary’s assistant: check; slutty nun: surprisingly, not sure how, but check). Then you spot the Holy Grail of occupations – the slutty magician. You dart across the street to show her your wand in an attempt to hocus poke-her when—GALLOP! You're struck and trampled by a pair of rogue East Lansing Horse Cops. Lying unconscious on the cold pavement, you see a white light before everything goes blurry.
Satan: “Seriously, bro, do you always have to fuckin’ yell? Insidehallucination voice.”
You awake in a lecture hall eerily familiar to Wells B115 with two figures in front of you. One is clearly the Wells Hall Preacher, and your head starts pounding at the thought that he clubbed you and dragged you down to his lair. The other figure is not so identifiable. He’s idling on a Segway with one bumper sticker that reads, “My Other Car is The Chariot Of Fiery Damnation—JK, My Other-Other Car is a Prius” and another that says “Romney-Ryan 2012.” Then it hits you: This is Satan.
Preacher: “REPENT, spilling thy seed, whether in others’ mouths, genitals, or butts prior to the bond of marriage is punishable by eternal suffering!”
Preacher: “No, I am the voice of God and must be resonant!” Satan: "No, you’re not. Everyone knows God lent his voice to Morgan Freeman." You: “Okay, enough you two. Here’s my first question: I like to think I’ve had a good deal of pre-marital sex. What’s your take on this affecting my chances of getting into heaven?”
You: “Fuck. I mean fudge. Okay, you’re up, Bono—I mean, Satan. Sorry, force of habit.”
You: “Why am I here?”
Satan: “I don’t really mind the pre-marital sex thing. I mean, you wrap it up right?”
Satan: “Well, you see—“
You: “Usually. Next question?”
Preacher: “You’re here for living a life of sinful, slutty, and young mistakes! Our God is a vengeful one, but forgiving, and he has allowed you one final chance to save your soul from condemnation.
Satan: “Fair enough.”
Satan: “Basically, G-Unit, sorry—um, God, has sent us to present you a choice and allow you to decide to either continue down your current path, or change your ways.” You: “Uh, all right? So how do I decide?”
You: “Okay, I’m generally pretty hung-over on Sundays. Is church mandatory, preacher?” Preacher: “YES, and foolishly imbibing alcohol will only cloud your vision of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Cease these sinful actions and find God every Sunday!” Satan: “You know, WHP, I just don’t find church that important. People worship me too, you know, but they’re always doing these weird circles in dark basements and I’m all, ‘Guys, go have a picnic. Play
Preacher: “REPENT! You must—“
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You: “I love Pictionary! All right, final question: What is the best part about Heaven and/or Hell. Preacher, you have the clear advantage here; so you first.” Preacher: “Heaven’s a paradise where you bask in God’s eternal light, free of temptation from sex, alcohol, drugs, and debauchery forever!” You: “I kind of like those things though…” Satan: “Hell gets a bad rap. People think I’m down there torturing people, enslaving them, etcetera. That’s not the case though. We have Casual Fridays. We take field trips to the center of the Earth. We have a snack-schedule where people make their favorite snack or bring in donuts on certain days. You have to try Mussolini’s guacamole. It is to DIE for!” You: “Well, to be honest - I hate to say it, but I think I want to - “ You suddenly awake back on the pavement in a daze, surrounded by a girl dressed as a slutty devil and a girl dressed as a slutty Wells Hall Preacher. You awkwardly resume your flirt game with the latter as if nothing happened, realizing that whether the exchange you had was real or not, it will forever remain a Halloween mystery.
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SAT, 10/27
½ Off – Potato $3 Skins SoCo Limes and Kamikazes Hush Puppies $3.50 Captain Morgan & Onion Rings
$3.50 Well Liquor
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SUN, 10/28
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
Sundays are for NFL Football!
$3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special
Happy Hour 3P.M. - 7P.M.: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9P.M. - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4P.M.: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3P.M. -7P.M.: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9P.M. - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts
MON, 10/29
MNF: Lions vs. Bears! $4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
TUES, 10/30
Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots
$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino
Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
WED, 10/31
$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE
1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino
WING WEDNESDAY! $.45 WINGS! Happy Hour: 3P.M. - 7P.M.! 9P.M. to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots
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Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Halloween Party Saturday Night! No Cover, Great Specials, Costume Contest! Go Green! Go White! Specials run all day and night!
SPECIAL NIGHT
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$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 10/24
Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THURS, 10/25
TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama
Happy Hour 4P.M. - 7P.M.: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/ Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 10/26
THURSDAY: Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes
Annual Halloween Party With Extra "Haunted" Specials Tonight!
All Out Saturdays $3 Long Island $2 PBR and Keystone Drafts Late Night French Toast Sticks
Come try our Green Meanie!
Country Night $1 Pints 6-8 P.M.
$2.50 Labatt and Labatt Light Bottles, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian Bottles
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 10/28
Pint Day! $0.25 Off Pints of Labatt and Miller Light $.50 Off All Other Pints $3 Jack Daniels
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 10/29
Big Draft Day! $2.75 24oz Drafts Labatt and Miller Light | $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guiness
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 10/30
Pitcher Day! $1.50 Off All Pitchers
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 10/31
Happy Hour Tue-Sun 6-9 P.M. $2 Everything Bar Crawl? Contact Marc@elevatedendeavors.com
1/2 OFF NIGHT!
18+ Night! Doors open at 10
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands, $5 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
SAT, 10/27
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The Bar Grid
page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Halloween Costume Guide: The Skank-O-Meter Zoe Kremke wrote this With Halloween just around the corner, there’s certainly a lot to look forward to: pumpkin carving, scary movies, and, of course, really slutty costumes! But it’s often hard to tell if a girl’s super skanky costume translates into you getting laid or them having daddy issues. After all, Halloween is the one day of the year when even the most conservative chicks least pretend that they’re up for anything, and manage to do a pretty convincing job. So, how do you tell if she’s a good girl playing bad or if she wants to treat you and lick that Blowpop? Spoiler alert: It’s all in the costume. Level Five: Slutty Monster: This is a dead giveaway for a goodie-two-shoes playing dress up. Honestly, how slutty can Frankenstein or his bride get? The answer is not very. Monsters are scary, no matter how much cleavage you show. Who thinks of zombies and sex simultaneously? Nobody, unless you’re into necrophilia. Nice try, Slutty Ghoul, you’ve been spotted as the straight-edge kid that you are. Level Four: Nurse, Firewoman, or Policewoman: Does she look sexy? More than likely. Is her outfit made entirely of pleather? Probably. But don’t be fooled, no matter how much T & A she’s showing she’s still dressed up as a gainfully employed woman of society. That inner feminist streak that some women have just can’t be hidden no matter how hard they try. She’s probably no Clean Cut Sally, but she’s smarter, and less likely to munch on dudes’ Whoppers while they lick her Bit-O-Honey than your average Hallo-whore.
Level Three: French Maid: This is the level that brings us to official slut status. Your odds of getting some with the French Maid are significantly higher than with the aforementioned Nurse. By wearing this costume, she’s totally broadcasting the right vibes, but be wary. As much of a ho as she may seem, the majority of her body is still covered. Not a great sign, but go for it anyways. Just be sure to approach with necessary caution, she may be into some weird stuff with that feather duster. Level Two: Naughty Schoolgirl: Now we’re getting somewhere. This one is classically not classy. Us ladies are smarter than we’re given credit for, and we know that the schoolgirl look will get us the extra-curriculars we’re after. We know men aren’t idiots, so the ass-skimming skirt and pigtails are a certified win. As soon as she whips out the plaid skirt, it’s a pretty solid sign that she’s open to letting you NutRageous all over her Mounds as she screams in Almond Joy. Level One: Bunny: Let’s be honest, this isn’t a costume. She put on underwear, ears, and a tail, and called it good. This lady DTH (down to hop) into your sack for sure. Think about it. It’s October, which means it’s cold as opposite hell outside. She had the lady balls to tug on a (probably) too-tight corset monstrosity, did her makeup, straightened her hair, and found ears and a tail to pin on. On top of all of that, the woman shaved her legs. That’s a whole lot of effort, friends. She has braved the elements in her “costume,” and that means that she is on one mission and
one mission only. For her dedication, we salute her. She’s definitely on the prowl and ready to have 3 Musketeers (or just three dudes dressed like musketeers) Skor with her in the McDonald’s bathroom. There you have it, folks, the Five Level Skank-O-Meter Guide to having a wild and weird Halloween. Good luck out there, ladies and gentlemen, and here’s to hoping you find your own Level One (or at least a decent Level Two). Or some candy corn.
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bartender of the week devin w. lou and harry's Major: Kinesiology Relationship Status: Taken Nickname: Savage Plans for Halloween? Working! But we get to dress up for themed costume nights…
What deceased person would you like to have a drink with?: Jimi Hendrix. Turn-offs? Bad teeth and bad breath.
Favorite fall drink: Captain and cider.
Favorite part about working in a bar?: Being damn creative.
Best costume you’ve seen?: Bruno
Cats or dogs? Dogs, for sure.
Bar pet peeve?: Not tipping, and trying to land free drinks.
the drinking game
Dance club or dive bar?: Dive bar.
Best pick up line? Leaving ‘Call me Maybe’ on the receipt and not tipping.
Recipe for Disaster
hocus pocus
pumpk’n pudd’n
For anyone who ever had an ounce of a real childhood, October is all about the Thirteen Nights of Halloween on ABC Family. Between sexy high school virgins and Sarah Jessica Parker as a witch, Hocus Pocus is bound to get anyone going.
‘Tis the season for jack o’ lanterns and stealing candy out of the hands of little, helpless children (okay, we’re not that heartless. We leave them a Skittle or two). This will put your excess pumpkins to use, in case you have some leftovers after throwing your pumpkin guts at the neighbors.
What You’ll Need: Beer and Hocus Pocus. Number of Players: As many as you can get. Everyone loves it, shouldn’t be too hard. Level of Intoxication: Great game to a get an early night buzz going. How to Play: - Sit back with some brewskies and watch Hocus Pocus. Anytime something on this list appears in the film, you must drink your beer for a few seconds. - Drink when: - A spell is cast. - Sarah Jessica Parker sings. - Someone mentions a virgin. - The black flame candle is mentioned. - Binks (in cat or human form) says “Emily.” - Max gets bullied. - Bette Midler says “sisters.” - Sarah Jessica Parker flirts. - The magic book’s eye moves. - If someone forgets to drink, they must shotgun a new can of beer. The Game Ends When: Spoiler Alert: The witches turn to stone! Shotgun your last beer, and enjoy the rest of the magical night.
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What You’ll Need: A pumpkin, rice, milk, brown sugar, and ground cinnamon. Cook Time: 45 minutes (but it’s well worth the wait!). Fatty Factor: You’ll get a hell of a sugar high but nothing too serious. Let’s Get Baked: - Combine 1 cup of rice, 3 cups of milk, and 1 cup of brown sugar in a saucepan. - Heat and stir until the mixture boils. - Continue to stir until rice is tender and most of the milk is absorbed. - Mix in a separate bowl 1 cup of mashed pumpkin and 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon. - Take your new mixture and put it into your heated concoction. - Stir in 1/2 cup of milk until it looks like a pudding mixture. - Let cool or chill in a refrigerator. - Once it’s set, dive on in and enjoy! If you’re trying to get real fancy wit’ it, sprinkle some cinnamon, pecans and whipped cream on top. This pudding will make you feel like you just got laid by someone who actually likes and respects you. No more pity sex, ever!
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Hysterically Hilarious Hurried Halloween Habiliment Helper Start!
gender cat/hippie Slutty hooker/ box robot/ risque bizniz neutral ghost ryan locthe
the interview
the hush sound
The Hush Sound is a Chicago rock band that plays music and has also been known to eat food. After going on hiatus in 2009, they recently announced a reunion tour across the Midwest. To celebrate, we deigned to speak with vocalist and guitarist Bob Morris, as well as vocalist and pianist Greta Morgan. They were nice. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: What brought about The Hush Sound doing a reunion tour after being on hiatus for several years? Bob Morris: It was a perfect storm. We were happy just doing shows together once in a while, but our personal lives just all lined up. Greta and I got back in touch, we’ve grown in some cool ways and we’re all excited to play music together again, so we decided to tour. TBS: When you say, “getting back in touch,” what do you mean by that? Like, what to what degree did you guys stay in touch when you were on hiatus? Bob: Stressing about the break, or without the understanding of what we were, there wasn’t that much communication. Time heals all wounds. We realized that there wasn’t anything actually wrong, it was just issues we created ourselves. The day I quit this other band I instinctually called Greta. She’s like family, even if we were mad at each other at some point. Eventually we started hanging out and playing music, and we decided to do a tour. TBS: What’s it like preparing for a tour when you haven’t played music together regularly for several years? Greta Morgan: We take it on a show-by-show basis. We’ve played a few times a year for the past three years. Whether they were private college shows or hometown Chicago shows, we’ve been getting together, rehearsing the songs. Approaching these old songs, we can find something new in an old lyric, something that’s about our lives now. I mean, I wrote most of these songs before I graduated high school, and we put out our last album when I was 18, I think. TBS: So do you ever look back at your songs and say, “What the hell was I thinking?” Bob: Yes, I do think that sometimes. At the same time, when you say something and you’re young, it’s before you’ve seen anything in the world, so it’s this primal, reactionary thing. I think there’s something special about a band’s first album that is hard to replicate, but as you do it again you get better and better at expressing yourself. TBS: Is there anything where it’s just too embarrassing, where it’s just like, “No way we’re doing this song?” Greta: Oh yeah. Bob: Oh yeah. Greta: That’s what I was saying about finding something new about a song. There are a few songs during rehearsal where Bob would say, “There’s no emotion to your vocals,” but it’s hard to flash back to when you’re 16 so you can feel it. Bob would say, “Try it like it’s an instrument—like you’re a trombone player or it’s a flute.” Bob saying that all of a sudden shows you this old thing in a new way and you can find something new in it. TBS: What do you expect to get out of this short tour? Greta: It’s just an experiment to see how much fun we can have touring and playing together. Also, it’s really exciting to reconnect with fans that saw us in 2005 or 2006, their tastes have changed, as have ours. Beyond that, it’s wild to see these kids all grown up with their husbands or wives or kids. It’s a wild transition. Bob: And to your point about music taking on a new meaning, a friend of ours, Eric from Gold Motel (Ed. Note: Greta’s other band) just tweeted about how music you listen to when you’re 14 to 17 sticks with you. I know what he’s talking about—when I listen to some of the punk I listened to growing up, I think “Man, some of this is really awful.” TBS: Yeah, I know an embarrassing amount of KoRn songs. Speaking of touring, what’s the weirdest venue you’ve played in? Bob: We’ve played in a parking lot of Augusta, Georgia when the promoter didn’t have a PA, and a club in Long Island that had glass showers all around the club. Greta: Yeah, it was a strip club turned into a strip club. It was super-weird. When we started we’d play basements, Legion halls and VFWs. TBS: How do you engage with a crowd when you’re on stage? Greta: It’s really up to the band to start the ignition, but whether or not the audience responds in an excited, unguarded way, or if they stand back and just hang out, that determines how a show will go. Bob: And however potent the ecstasy is that we hand out before the show. TBS: Remind me to stop by your show.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
cloud atlas in theaters october 26
This trippy movie starring Tom Hanks and Halle Berry tells a tale of how your individual actions from way back in the day will effect what happens to you (and others) well into the future, even when “you” aren’t around anymore. Equal parts action, mystery, and romance, this film sees actors negotiate different roles in different points in the movie’s history. They’re the same, but different. Whoa, man, this is deep.
the walking dead sunday, october 28 at 9pm on amc
In the third episode of season three Andrea and Michonne are still struggling through the zombie apocalypse, but they do stumble upon a new community of survivors. Now an epic decision needs to be made; should they stay with them via the whole “power in numbers” philosophy, or should they stick with what they know? #zombieproblems
calvin harris - 18 months in stores october 30
18 Months is the third studio release from Scottish DJ and producer Calvin Harris, the same guy who brought you “Feel So Close,” the whimsical tune about the feelings EDM kids get when they take drugs together and go to a Calvin Harris show. His latest single “Sweet Nothing” features the lovely sounds of Florence Welch, which seems appropriate given the title of the song.
play Halloween bingo! Send in pictures that lead to BINGO and win a prize! Email us at bingo@theblacksheeponline.com
Playboy Bunny
Pirate
French Maid
Cheerleader
Nurse
Beer Wench
Firefighter
Toga
Hippie
Cat woman
School Girl
Pilot
Angel
Bumble Bee
Devil
Ladybug
Police Officer
Girl scout
Sailor
Fairy
Cave Girl
Witch
Disney Princess
Jailbird
the classtime Husband: • Rob Zombie • Pinhead • Count von Count • Mike Myers
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
wedding dinner: • BRAAAAAAAAAINS!!! • Franken Berry • The blood of 1,000 babies • Liver, with fava beans and a nice chianti
wife: • Elvira, Mistress of the Dark • Carrie White • Roseanne Barr • Samara Morgan met at: • A pet sematary •Those hills that have eyes • The house at the end of the street • Camp Crystal Lake
Honeymoon Destination: • Sunny Transylvania • A cabin in the woods • Amityville • The Overlook Hotel favorite rom-com: • Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness • Troll 2 • Killer Klowns from Outer Space • The Killer Condom
double date couple: • The Frankensteins • Jack Skellington and Sally • Chucky and his bride • Gomez and Morticia Addams How you die: • By creepy kids • A zombie attack • Becoming possessed • Stabbing. Lots of stabbing. shared tombstone quote: • “ ‘Till death do us fart!” • “We’ll be back.” • “Eh. Have you seen a horror movie?” • “Paging Dr. Frankenstein!”
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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